Well time for some changes...today I have sat here and read my journal entries from january and febuary 2007, and gawd I just sounded so happy...talking about walks, and the movies, and books i was reading, and planning with my meals and what i noticed is i said that i am not going into chat as much...so...i think its time to stop talking and start doing. First thing when i get home today I am moving the laptop...currently its sitting in my lounge room. And whenever watching tv or whatever i pull it up on my lap and im in chat...so first off it is going into the study where it should have been all this time. Next im going to stop going into chat for a while...which in some ways i feel kinda bad cos i know there are some people in there who are close to me etc and they will be disappointed but i really need to focus on me. I will still do my graphics and obviously use the internet but im going to cut back on the chat (im making a committment now no voodoo or halsoft for 4 weeks...jody u see me in their kick my ass ok?) This is gonna be kinda hard but i need to do it i need to look around and see that their are other things to do...even watching some tv has got to be better and get me out of that lil box. But also i need to start just being more active...even reading...cooking...things before that i got enjoyment out of...i think this is prolly one of the biggest things that blocks me being successful...cos when i was successful i didnt go into chat much...it simply wasnt a focus ! I am waiting for a email from fernwood...I spoke to the girl today she told me she wants to speak to a trainer and also the manager and then they will email me with what they can offer me. I have told her I do have a appointment at contours today and Id like that info before going to contours. My gut tells me to do this right and go to fernwood...so that is what im really waiting for at the moment. The other thing is just to get back to healthy eating...i shopped last nite bought lots of healhy food...monday i will make up a big batch of vegetable soup. i also bought a blender last night so i can start making some yummii smoothies in the morning. Well not a lot else to say just waiting to hear back from fernwood...regardless next week...there will be exercise a happening !



UPDATE : fernwood just emailed me...and they are going to give me a FREE session EVERY week with the dietician ! Im going in on monday to have a big chat to them about it all...im very excited, after I finished work today...i went to the book store...bought me a new karin slaughter book and picked up fasta pasta for dinner and THEN walked home...30 minute walk done and dusted ! im excited ! Okies now this computer is being switched off....have a good weekend all !

Well Ive been a slackass this week eh? Thats what 4 days off will do to ya lol. Now as to whats happening on the exercise front...after waiting for fernwood to follow up on whether they would give me some free PT sessions..well i am STILL waiting for the final reply...4 days later...so that lack of interest on their part..airlies post about curves...contours being only 3 streets away and ringing contours and they were more then happy to give me a free session tomorrow...I decided that I will give them a chance...so will go there after work tomorrow at 5.30pm and see how it goes...

Whilst off work this week I did check my emails and woooo hooo won yet another award LOL...this time it was the superstar award for july and gave me another 10000 wish list points (go me) and then checked the emails again today and saw my team has won a team award (very hard to win won of these) which then gives our team half a day off work plus $450 for a event...so will have something fun coming up.

Was looking at HBC today and not only did ajay say she had been to a meeting with channel 10 where she had been worried she mite lose her job but instead walked away with some exciting news,...(god im curious what that means!) but they are going to be running a biggest loser comp on her site with real prizes with state winners etc...so thats something else that can help me to motivate..

Today went and bought a blender so i can make lots of yummii smoothies for breakfast.

Okies not much else to say...sure ill be back after I been to contours tomorrow nite - have a good friday all !

Well ive partly made some decisions. After a few emails with nat (the exercise goddess) and a lil more research...i realise now this whole time the focus should have been on a healthy & fit life and not the scales. I have decided i am going to join the gym n i am leaning towards fernwood with using the online coach. I am just debating still between contour n fernwood. As I did pay out fernwood I have emailed them to see what they can offer me...contour is closer but is only a circuit...i tell u i am terrible at making decisions like this...on a 20 minute interval i change my mind between gyms lol...anyway we will wait n see how i feel tomorrow. Tomorrow I am off again and have the docs appointment....apart from that not much else on for the day. Me n jaimee at work have also decided in our 15 minute breaks (we have 2 per day) we are gonna go out for a walk...so thats a good idea too. Not a great lot else going on....just me n my brain thinking thinking thinking


Enjoy alll

So I left a post on the HBC forum...and got a response...ive put the post down the bottom...what he says makes COMPLETE sense...i wish when id been going to fernwood i had been on this forum and read this post then. I think the scales completely screw with my head too much. I also need to get out of this thought process that diet alone will have me losing weight. So now my head is in full think mode...I need to come to some decisions and STICK by them....so basically he is saying following the wendy program...whether i do this by points or calories...having high and low days...the other thing is really work on getting into a complete gym focus. I have joined gyms so many times...i think contours is the easy way...and maybe its a good way for a few months while i build up my fitness? But fernwood is good for the whole range of things...getting to classes and having weights and cardio...also the ability to buy PT sessions if i want. Working and going to the gym is a long day to me...and my lazy side says i cant be bothered...but yanno what? I cant be bothered with things staying as they are ! I dont even enjoy the junk food. I had my one on one at work today and my boss said to me "you look healthier you have colour back in your face" so the drinking water and eating healthy is helping....i just have to get thru my head it isnt about numbers of the scales. I really need to take measurements...and maybe even throwout the scales completely...and put the focus on a healthy body...anyways any feedback like always is SO SO welcome...i have a lot of thinking to do !

I have another 2.5 hours to go then 4 days off. Im off to the doc on tuesday and hopefully will start to get the counselling organised cos I think thats another vital part I need...ok off i go...below is what the PT said.


Hi Kazz,

Firstly, great job on the 37 kilos. Secondly, hang in there, because you have shown you can do it.

Sue, Aimee and Sandra have offered great advice.

As the girls on here know, I am a big advocate for weight training, backed up by proper cardio and good nutrition, as opposed to straight out dieting and weight loss.

Body composition (fat, muscle, water ..) is most important, this means, build muscle, burn fat, so you look and feel good, while placing less emphasis on the scales.

When you have the weight to lose, consistency is the key. And yes, it can take months, and even years to drop the kilos the right way, so they don’t come back.

1200 calories is ludicrous for your daily intake needs and will only lead to muscle wastage and fluid loss – making it even more difficult to burn fat, which leads to even more weight.

Using Sue’s equations, work out your average daily needs and drop down by minimum 500 on a few days, 750 one day and cycle between so you keep your body working and guessing.

Yes, your metabolism will slow with age, but by building muscle and eating consistently, you can give it a bit of a rev.

The keys to a simple and successful program are:

Eat 5 -6 medium size meals a day every 3 hours
Drink a couple of L of water each day
2 – 3 weights sessions to start with, following each session with 30 minutes cardio
3 cardio sessions a week including aerobics classes.
A loss of 500g per week is a good start

ALLOW YOUR BODY TO RESPOND – AT LEAST 6 WEEKS ARE REQUIRED.

Hope this helped - let me know how you go

All the best,

Ads
BBT

Well some good news ! My working times have changed so the latest I finish now is 8pm ! omg thats like normal...i am so glad this last lot of working till 11pm and then the next week starting at 8.30am really knocked me around. So i can pretty much once this new roster starts (25/8) set me a bedtime of 11pm and really get into a routing with that. A lot at work arent happy but i say hell yeh...take the weekend work away from us too lol...will have to wait and see if that ever happens !

I have made a appointment with a new doctor for tuesday. I wanna talk to him about counselling and my weight loss. And get a good idea of what he/she thinks i should be doing. I also went to the contours website and saw they give away a free 3 day trial. The nearest contours to me is about 3 streets away so I filled out the form for the free pass.

Also logging my food in on HBC's website...and all looking good in regards to that !

Okies not a lot else to say...I do feel rather good that I am putting some actions into place - im outta here !

Gotta love emotional eating eh? After yesterdays gain then my brain going in overdrive I ended up eating crap most of today. Tonight I decided to get back on to thinks and just had a chick, low fat cheese and baby spinich leaves sandwich (trust me I prolly didnt even need this !) So where am i at...welllllllllllllllllllllll I have decided a couple of things....one i really think i need counselling i think ive known that for a while...and there isprolly even a part of me still apprehensive...but i did email a psychologist from pink sofa and i think i will go to the doctor...but a NEW doctor...theres one locally so i think next week when i have my days off i will go and have a chat. Im also thinking about a lot of things...but one thing i am thinking about is my surname....in a nutshell when my mum married her second husband me and my sister changed our surname to his surname. My sister has since married. But this is something thats been on my mind for quite a while and i just feel changing my surname was a unwise decision...of course changing my surname may cause my mum not to be too happy....and that in all honesty if it wasnt for my mum i would change it back...it is something i wanna do...but if i do it...its something i need to tread carefully about doing. We will have to wait and see.

I have decided to stop going to ww and i am going to use the healthybodyclub and see how i go. Its only $22.50 for 3 months...includes a food diary like i mentioned yesterday, i like their forums. So we will see how it goes...sticking to 2000 calories today. Funny after all this talk about exercise fernwood emailed me today with a advert for a gym membership from $9.95 per month which was kinda funny.

Okies off i go....time to go get organised for bed...ill weigh in tomorrow morning with my scales and then every wednesday morning !

Too much thinking...

Well not happy ! Woke up this morning and jumped on the scales...and am up 400 grams. After showing a loss of 1.4 kilos a few days ago i wasnt impressed. So i didnt go to ww i just cant bring myself to go when I know i am going to have a loss. So now my brain is in overdrive over a few things...one is i am now noticing since i have returned every second week i am having a gain. Which makes no sense to me. I did everything i should yesterda...drank 1.8 litres of water...the only thing i can think was different is i had a focacia and didnt realise till after it had some type of mustard flavoured sauce on it...by the time i ate it the cafeteria at work was closed so i couldnt even ask to see the bottle to see what was in it (suspect it prolly wasnt good cos it was yummy lol)...now my brain is like the only other thing i ate that i ahvent eaten over the last few weeks is yesterday morning i ate crumpets. (only 2) so after i weighed in i went to my emails and there was a email from ajay from the healthybodyclub asking for a survey to be done and then i decided out of curiousity to look at her site (the site i previously looked at that was $160 to join) so i nosied around and saw she had a 3 month membership for $22 and so thought bugger it ill join...so there is a introuductory after you sign up of things she suggests and of course she suggests exercise...including cardio & weight bearing...so now my brain is thinking and prolly over thinking...i am so scared of gyms due to the fact ive never had success with them...i think if i went and i lost it would be a different story...now im glad i quit fernwood it was way too expensive ($280 a month !) but there is a contours that is a 10 minute walk if that from my place that im now starting to think maybe i should consider...its only $59 a month big difference and from what i see on their sites theres bikes and treadmills as well as the weights...but there is a part of me that would be scared that going to a gym would COMPLETELY stall me...then i think maybe i should hire a treadmill...but theyre not small contraptiions and i really dont have the room for one. so now my head is in a state of confusion,,,and then again maybe i should just accept that every 2nd week ill have a gain? I mean bottom line i am doing much better then i have for a long time with not losing every week im not throwing the towel in...im actually liking drinking water lately and downing it easily...im eating vegetable soup each day...okies me and my over thinking brain are out of here ! enjoy all !


*****************************

Its later now and i am in think overdrive still lol...im starting to realise i wanna embrace this...when i think about it my food is good...im really eating well...better then ever....my water intake has always sucked but its so good now...i truly am finding it so easy to down 1.2-1.8 litres a day...but my daily activity hasnt changed...exercise hasnt been there...and even my days have encompassed sitting on the lounge more then anything...i need and more importantly want to embrace the whole change which i havent before...i know i need to do this now....and i need to not jsut with exercise but with my day i run my day need to be more active...doing more...cutting back on my time online i suspect...but more so then think i need to stop being lazy or sitting on the internet or whatever i need to focus on what i am going to DO...on the positive things even if they dont feel positive. Lately life has started to feel very much like work...eat...sleep and thats about it....nothing to feel excited about .... its all very ho hum...so i do need to get some excitement back in my life...maybe joining contours is the way to go as i would at least meet local people as well as being doing something thats not just eat sleep and work...okies more to think about off to work for now !

***************************************

Gawd im back again can you believe it? My brain is seriously in overdrive today. Ive spent a fair bit of time on the the healthybodyclub.com today and must admit i am impressed with it...their forums chit all over the ww forums...not only do they stick to the topic of weight loss they have lots of experts on the forums...they have a psychologist, fitness trainer and dietician that ajay has on staff that answer queries. So anyway i posted on their about my dilemas on the exercise one...someone answered and said i should be eating about 2000 calories based on my stats...(which is how much the biggest loser club told me i should be eating too incidently) so whilst today i was under 27 points....when i put it into their diary system it came up as just over 2300 calories...it also breaks it up and shows you what proportion is carbs - protein and fats and nearly 1000 calories i have eaten today has been carbs ! They also suggest to try walking 30 minutes per day initially so i think i will start doing that.

My brain is also in overdrive about something else...which i wasnt gonna post but i need to make sense of it. I live alone...and as most know i go into chat. Now .... there is definitely a aspect of my life that is lonely and the living alone compounded with doing crazy shift work really does make it hard to meet people. So in a sense i do really on my chat program....in it i have numerous friends...and i do get some enjoyment from it...anyway quite a few months ago i met someone on their who wasnt local. We would chat...i found her easy to chat with and all was good...i liked her and liked her company. Anyway late last week...she told me she has a "interest" in me...is keen to know me better...i was like...well ok...yeh sure we can get to know each other better....i didnt really see any harm in it...yes its not someone who is here in my real (but lets face it long time since i have had someone in my real) but yanno its some companionship except the fact that i now feel like somethings wrong...and i know im gonna now need to tell her...ok your nice and all but thats that...which is fine im not after some relationship online but it does make me wonder why i get like that? Have i hermitted myself so much and become so independent that being close to someone scares the bejeezus out of me? I mean since ang ive not been close to anyone online or in real...so...i dunno...its a weird feeling and not a feeling i like....okies seriously no more posting today ! off to do some more work ! lol

Well another week starts...how exciting LOL...this is a long week for me...i work 4 days...have wednesday off then work another 4 days...but happily i have monday-thursday off next week. I am planning to go into katies on one of those days and buy some new clothes. They have 2 levels and on the top level they have reduced items (sometimes as cheap as $5 a item) so will prolly do that one day, a bit of baking and just some relaxing pottering around the house.

Weigh in tomorrow and am expecting a nice solid loss - how good will this be - 2 losses in a row ! GO ME !!! so fingers crossed a loss does appear on those scales and of course as long as the loss is at least 200 grams I will hit 5 kilos and if its 600 grams or more I will be under 150 kilos woooo hoooo !!! so we will see how it goes.

Not a lot else going on except work, sleeping and eating LOL

PS nat - id love that chicken and corn soup recipe if you could send it to me ! thanks !

Okies off to do some work !

vegetable soup !!!!

OMFG !!!! Right about now I am in total shock...yesterday i made vegetable soup from the 1st ww book but also added spinich too it...I whipped it thru the blender so was just a thick soup but no chunky bits, bought it to work today and ate it and enjoyed it ! OMFG IM STUNNED ! Those who dont know I have awful terrible vegetable phobias (erm corn, peas and beans pop in ur mouth yanno!) I never eat vegetables I will chop up capsicum and mushies and onions in a pasta dish and ill have pasta dishes with spinich in it but thats it....so anyway made the soup...went to heat it at lunch time and said to everyone while eating lunch...watch me pull faces...well damn I liked it ! It was so damn nice...this is such a HUGE deal for me...vegetables have always been my demon...and yes they were all blended but i got the vitamins ! I am a happy girl ! okies off I go...felt like shouting this news from the rooftops hehe

Well damn proud right about now ! Wanted kfc tonite...gawd I so could freaking taste that chicken dripping in oil melting in my mouth lol but I resisted and instead pulled out steggles chicken breast fillets and a lil ww ice cream. So feeling very proud took a sneak peak at the scales and well we know I fluctuate all over the place...lol...but things are looking good...lets hope it stays at this till at least tuesday i sooooooooo wanna get under 150 kilos and reach my first 5 kilos since going back to ww this week.

On my day off today and has been lovelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slept in till 8.15am then got up...and just spent the day at home...Ive been so tired this week. Going from 11pm finishes to being at work 8.30am has knocked me around so that sleep in was very welcome. Tomorrow morning when I wake I am going to do the grocery shopping...I already have a shopping list written, have been thru my recipe books so have all the ingredinets on my list for a couple of recipes out of the STGTBT books and also gonna get recipes to make a big pot of the point free soup...so I can make more of a effort to get my vegies in each day. I bought some lovely bread rolls from coles this week...they were brown...with pumpkin, sunflower seeds and rye so yummii hopefully I can get some more this week...and I can have them with the soup for lunch this week.

Okies people off I go ... if not before I will be back monday night/tuesday with my weigh in result !

1.4 kilos !!!!

yay babeeee hows that for a nice solid loss ! It actually would have been a lot lower except i drank 2 litres of water today and weighed in this evening but suffice to say i was very happy after weeks of stupid fluctuating. So I am now at a total loss altogether of 20.4 kilos and 4.8 kilos since i went back to ww. The other good news is my leader is changing on tuesday mornings ! My fave leader is gonna be taking over the tuesday morning so im wrapped with that. I had to go to the monday evening meeting this week....and gawd i hated it...the LEADER discussed movies...and kept bringing up that sex for 30 minutes is 6 points....i just thought the whole meeting was rowdy and really more could have been gotten out of those 30 minutes. But anyways...most of my meetings will be with christina (yay) okies off for some dinner !

Todays Ramblings

Okay those who know me know i am pretty stubborn...i have certain "laws" i go by in my life...and as dr phil would say their deal breakers. That said i can be an opinionated ass when i want to be...and i make no apologies for that. I debated and debated over whether to write this post then thought nah shove it its my blog ill say what i damn well please *smirks*

Anyways as you may have gathered by the title i have a bee in my bonnet about something. Have you ever noticed when we start losing weight some become the all know all on weight loss? How many times have i posted on ww forums...something along the lines of im struggling but still here...to have some lil upstart who has just got back from their first meeting having lost a few kilos and then decides to tell ME what i should be doing ! Now im not a great know all either but i have managed to lose and keep off to date nearly 20 kilos so i dont think the whole newbie approach of telling me what to do will work (oh the number of times i have to click the X on the ww forums so i dont get me and my mouth in trouble lol) its also even those who have been doing it awhile...successful or mildly successful or whatever we suddenly think we can tell others what they are doing wrong...and that we have been there so we KNOW they havent been honest with themselves...ok people heres my thoughts...its NOT simply input vs output...yes a huge amount of it is the food you put in your mouth....but what about medications people may be taking? what about ill advice they may be getting? dealing with emotional issues? real life stresses? where your head is at? i know scientifically it is simply about what u put in ur mouth but we all know sooooo much can impact this weight loss. If you are doing well with your weight loss...hurrah, terrific i am so so so glad for you (honestly i am !) but remember we shouldnt judge till we have walked a mile in someone elses shoes. Now altho i am not taking this personally....simply dont judge someone else...no one knows what i am going thru just like i dont know what someone else is going thru. Being tolerant is a wonderful quality and while u may be doing great today can you GUARANTEE you will be in 6 months time?

A number of years ago i met a lady online her name is C anyways she is one of the wisest women i ever met...anyway one day i got into a disput with a friend of hers who was bi....basically telling this woman she was confused cos she didnt identify as either gay or straight...now i come to that reasoning cos while coming out i did for a short period of time identify myself as bi till i came to the conclusion u dumb broad u never wanna be with a guy again so just come on out and admit ur a lesbian lol anyway C pulled me aside...and talked to me....that just cos i didnt fully understand a bi woman didnt make them confused it simply made ME confused on the bisexual lifestyle. There are so many difference in life...from someone who is obese...to annorexic...to back white yellow...lesbian...straight...transgender...rich...poor...intelligent..etc etc etc...and one of the greatest personality traits one can have is tolerance...so next time someone isnt doing as well as you or just going about it in a different....dont judge...sit back...listen...you may learn a thing or two. When i first came out i never thought i be attracted to "butch" women...but guess what? I am...the book i am reading at the moment is about a butch woman who as she grew up people would say is she a boy or a girl? she identifies as a he-she...anyway she has a girlfriend in my book and she has decided to take male hormones...and her girlfriend has broken up with her over this....because as the gf says by being with a man (ok a transgendered man) she is giving up her lifestyle as a lesbian...its a real interesting question. If i met someone who decided to take male hormones....would i stay with them? is it like how missy higgins says that "love is fluid" and i would stay with the person cos no matter what i would still love them or the fact id be giving up my identity such a big factor i couldnt do it? Okies gawd i ramble...this is just crap going on in my head so thought id put it down in writing


PS this post is aimed at NO ONE so dont leave defensive comments...and remember this is MY blog...my outlet...so ... simply respect that

okies...over and out (does a army salute !)

Decision time...

Well a quick post before I head off to get ready for work. After much thinking and reading posts on ww forum...i have decided i am going to stop taking metformin for a month and see what happens weightloss wise. I am a couple of kilos lighter then about 5 weeks ago but considering i lost 2.9 kilos the first week thats not good enuff to me. Im convinced the metformin has restricted my weight loss. I also take my last antibiotic on monday so next week will have a decent chance of weight loss. I have a dentist appointment at noon on thursday so hopefully that will sort out the tooth drama. I am also planning to start walking around the block daily as off tomorrow (working till 11pm tonight so cant tonight lol)

Its friday today yayyyyyyyyyy its been a long weekend and we have been real busy...n that combined with working till 11pm every nite im more then ready for a couple of days off...ok off i go....have a good weekend all !

So ugh what a few days...at work last night got called into the office...there they laid out a spreadsheet of my sickleave since i started working at the company...they turned around and said whilst this year my sick leave has been better they had noticed there was some patterns to it...i pointed out to them when i go to ww my sick leave is less and when i got taken off the fixed roster to a rotating roster that made it really hard. So they have told me i can do shift swaps to try and make sure i can get to ww each week. I wasnt in trouble or anything like that they were merely wanting to know what they could do to help me. I also mentioned i prolly need some counselling and they reminded me that work does offer some free counselling sessions...we can have 4 sessions per year so i think i am going to go there and maybe they can suggest on the counselling side what i should do.

Was reading jaxxs entry today was interesting...altho it reminds me of my frustration...apart from the last 2 days my eating has been spot on...altho over the weekend i underate while my mouth was sore...yet i simply seem to fluctuate...this could be due to the fact im on painkillers, antibiotic and metformin. I also havent been exercising...so i think thats where i need to pick up. Ive been drinking 2 litres of water per day (altho not going to the toilet heaps which makes me think i am retaining fluid) i need to start to get off my ass and even this week ive used my sore mouth as a excuse not to exercise (oh have i mentioned i hate exercise? lol) i bought a gym mat last week and i do have the biggest loser dvd and i think i should start doing the dvd...i suspect too much jumping may hurt my mouth but the rest i should be able to do.

I have started rereading dr phils book...im going to very slowly read thru it all and make sure i really take it in. The bit i was reading last nite was all about relaxing and letting go of "i have to lose weight" and coming to the conclusion that i "want to lose weight - that i desire to lose weight" i really do relate to this...cos i completely stress over the scales. I will always weigh daily cos it DOES motivate me but its a double edged sword cos it can frustrate the chit out of me too...so i need to start relaxing more...maybe just think about it all 5 minutes morning and night in a relaxful way.

Im also gonna alter my breakfast a lil...ive been having 2 crumpets for breakfast each day...but i think i mite go back to my weet bix and see how that goes...anyways enuff for today...enoy ur nite all =]

Well was starting to think the abscess was healing nicely. Slept so well last nite and went without painkillers for about 9 hours...even woke during the nite and there was no pain...but this afternoon my jaw is rather sore. The scales have jumped back up showing a gain of around 500 grams...this could be due to the antibiotics and all the medication in my system or the lack of food ive eaten the last couple of days.So far ive only eaten 12.5 points...im going to cook up a nice big bowl of spaghetti bolognaise and ill have some cheese on top and that will push me well over 20 points and a lot closer to what i should be (only ate 16 points yesterday and most of that was bread as its easy for me to eat) but we will keep persevering...the one thing im impressed with is thru all this ive still stuck to the plan. Ive eaten nothing bad in the last 3 weeks and 5 days except for a croissant....which was the morning i went out for coffee with tracy and laura so im rather impressed. Once this tooth drama is resolved (once the antibiotics finish ill go to the dentist...i forsee a bill and a filling in my future lol) Once that is over and done with imma get on with exercising i have my biggest loser dvd and i bought a exercise mat...so no excuses. I have thursday and friday off work next week so ill prolly try and get into the dentist thursday morning.

Ok not a lot else going on...off i go...mite have to go watch a lil more L word lol

Got a dayam abscess

Yep...got a damn abscess in my mouth. Thursday nite i had a toothache,,,,went to sleep....woke up was fine, then yesterday went to eat my lunch a couple of bites into it im in tears and such bad pain. So I rang around trying to get in to a dentist...which of course i couldnt...so out of desperation i made a appointment with my doc hoping for some pain killers. He had a look and said its a abscess,,,,gave me painkillers and antibiotics. I had a pretty restless nice till the 3rd dose of pain killers kicked in....then managed to get some decent sleep. Today its not too bad altho im due now for another dose of pain killers and am starting to feel it. But nowhere near as sore as yesterday.

Weight wise the scales have gone down...so i should be heading for a loss...id say what i think but last time i did the ww scales didnt agree with me so we will wait and see lol Did discuss my weight with the doc. explained all the fluctuatin etc. If after a couple of more months if its not moving....they are going to refer me to a endocrinologist/metabolic dietician...so for now staying on the metformin and staying on plan =]

Okies...a short post....i need more meds and am sleepy...

Well im trying to get my head in the right place....well i kinda thing it is...i spent a lot of time yesterday reading up on metformin (tried to ask on the ww forum about anyone having issues with it n fluid retention but the thread didnt stay on topic...so i did a lot of reading at www.3fatchicks.com which has a section of their forum dedicated to PCOS...i rang and made a appointment with the doc on saturday but im gonna ring back today and ask for a appointment with a female doctor. I am really wondering if I should be taking metformin the doctor was pretty full on about me taking it...but last time i had my insulin tested (only about 3 months ago) i was in the normal range...when i read up on it one of the side effects CAN be weight gain and fluid retention. I took it a couple of years ago but i was taking it in a different way then...i was taking it several times a day...now im taking a slow release one once a day...but i am wondering if maybe i should just not be taking it. The scales are still up by 1.5 kilos today...after lots of reading last nite and thinking Ive kinda come to the conclusion that first off I need to focus on my PCOS. I tend to not take it into account...and I never really think about whats the best thing to do for my PCOS. I know there are some good books out on PCOS with one I know is specifically aimed at the right kind of foods for with PCOS so i am going to go to the bookstore tomorrow and see i I can grab it. I am then going to read it and integrate it with my ww...i may have to look at going on core i suspect. But I will do this one step at a time...firstly I will get the book and then see the doctor and discuss it...its very frustrating to think I am paying ww and eating well and yet gaining. I do sometimes wonder if its my age or what...i cant help but think there is something thats not right....cos this is very similar to what happened at the gym...so anyway ill discuss it with the doc and see what happens from there.

Well im not happy...yesterday when i weighed in and had the lost...i thought yay im on the right track as i didnt manage a series of losses while at the gym. I drank all my water last nite...but noticed i didnt get up during the nite going to the toilet as i prolly should have... i also noticed i got some stomach cramps last nite so my guess is TOM is on the way...but anyway i weighedhis morning n i have gone up by 1.7 kilos...so right about now im feeling very frustrated...well i decided to do a lil research on the metformin and found this website which says one of the side effects is fluid retention AND weight gain ! UGH this is beyond frustrating cos whilst i take these meds i get less desire to eat carbohydrate foods and im rather good with my eating and not snacking etc...but if its giving me fluid retention that really does my head in....i mite give it another week see how i go...(cos its possibly from TOM as well) and see what happens...mite have to go back to the docs and discuss it. Okies thats all today just needed to vent

Well the good news is i weighed in and had a loss...lost 500 grams...which isnt great but bottom line it is a loss and I do need to remember its while i was on leave from work. I stayed for the meeting and feel very focused again which all is good. One of the ladies there today was raving about the ww kitchen scales...and swears by them...said its one of the best investments she has made so may need to get them.

Was so friggin freezing here in Adelaide last nite...i got up in the middle of the night chucked on my dressing gown and then went back to sleep. I think tonite when i go home...ill take my lil heater into my bedroom...turn it on close the door and leave it for 30 minutes or so before going to bed that way it will hopefully be nice and warm.

Day one of the star challenge i was very good with my water altho i got up way to friggin many times during the nite for my liking. Am about to start on the water now...I know its late but if i start earlier i end up going to the toilet 50 million times and people at work think im weird lol

Not a great deal else to say...have a good day all =]

Well ive been slack eh? But back to work today plus first day for the star challenge...so completely on track ! i took a sneak peak at the scales this morning and i should register of a loss close to a kilo this week...hopefully i will manage to exceed a kilo...which is definitely a step in the right direction. Ive drank 750 mls of water and have another 750 mls to drink before the day is over.

The book im reading at the moment is awesome...its called butch stone blues and about a lesbian in the 60's/70's with all the political stuff including the aspect of racial segregation im really enjoying reading it.

We got a new computer program at work today and i think my head is ready to explode ! Will be so glad to go home tonite. Anyway not much else to say...time to head off and finish dinner...will be back tomorrow with my weigh in results =]

Well i been a damn slack ass eh? Actually i rarely write in my journal from home...usually always at work so its not something i tend to do at home. Holidays are not great for weight loss i decided LOL im so good at work...i have my schedule and have to stick to it...breaks at specific times and are generally 2 hours apart but at home that goes out the window, and when you throw in lunch at other peoples houses, and morning tea and delectable coffee shops it doesnt quite go to plan. The scales show im up about 500 grams from after my first week on ww...and im not stressing. I havent pigged out...eaten no take away (except for a chicken ceaser baguette and a croissant) so considering ive been on holidays i dont think ive been too bad. What has prolly really killed me is i made low fat muffins.2.5 points each...which is fine if you have ONE...but being at home...especially in the afternoon instead of grabbing the banana for one point been grabbing them LOL. But back to work monday...same day the star team challenge starts...so back to the routine and to focussing.

I did do my biggest loser dvd the other nite...lasted a whole 9 minutes and 20 seconds before i got woozy. But i want to start doing that more regularly. Havent done a lot else altho i did see a recipe by iian hewitson which im gonna try next weekend (have to grab a few ingredients) but am gonna change it a lil

Oh and miss adorable turns 4 on tuesday ! so big happy to her...posting her present on monday so it should arrive just in time for tuesday...okies off i go....enjoy all

well how did i go today? Well i didnt go ! No i havent given up or gone on a binge or anything....on my scales at home last week i weight 150.8 kilos...before i ate dinner last nite i weighed 150.0 i was thinking wooo hooo then i ate dinner...and being the nuerotic wwer i am weighed again before bed and was 152.1 ! I knew then i had eaten something wrong...and was right...id had bacon DUH !!! of course thats high in salt...so when i woke this morning i was 151 kilos...and i so didnt wanna go in and have a gain...so decided not to weigh in and ill go out to the salisbury meeting on saturday and weigh in there....this will teach me. Been very good again today and the books i ordered finally arrived ! So i can get them off to my niece in time for her birthday. Anyway gonna keep this short as i have the start of a migraine...have just taken panadeine forte...i expect to be unable to keep my eyes open within about 30 minutes...enjoy ur day all =]

Well day one of my week off and I must admit I have been completely lazy. Woke up to rain bucketing down thinking what a great day to have off. Ive then pretty much not done a lot LOL...watched tv...played on the puter...and not a hell of a lot else ! Last nite at work a email popped in my inbox to say i had won a "spot" award it was for team work and for the work i been doing with one of the guys in my team to help him increase his calls per hour. so it was 2500 wishlist points...which means i have enuff for a $100 voucher...so think ill save that for when i get to 10 kilos lost since rejoining ww.

Did you notice the star team link on my journal? Its a challenge to focus on your goals for 12 weeks...click on the link and check it out...so ive registered for that...also on the link ive added the girl who is running it her jounral which is full of core point food...check it out too...im gonna have to try the pineapple rings...theyd be nice as a treat with some icecream

Ive been good again today...im hopeful of a small loss...so dont expect miracles when i post my loss tomorrow but fingers crossd I reach at least reach 100 grams.

Well yay, being real careful with the sodium seems to be working, i was around the same weight as i was last week today when i weighed in this morning. I have tracked my food for today including dinner and still have 8 points left ! My team leader just told me she has bought popcorn and her popcorn machine in...so glad ive got points left plus i will prolly have a crumpet when i get home...should still leave me a point or two over.

I feel much better about the whole weight loss thing for a few days there i was thinking here we go its just like at the gym again...but thankfully that doesnt seem to be the case.

Had a bit of a funny episode this morning...im asleep...wake up to a woman moaning LOL the guy next door musta picked up a filly last nite and was getting some action lol and well obviously my walls arent as sound proof as i thought ! So mental note...IF i ever meet someone i will need to set up a bed in the other room. lol so interesting start to the day. Then i get up and after lucnh get ready for work...i get on the bus...have my mp3 player in my ear playing...get on the bus n theres this goth chick with a million face piercing with a radio just playing it...not with earphones attached just playing it on the damn bus ! Was so loud i could hear it over my mp3 player which was on full LOL

Well its 2.36pm i work till 10pm then wooo hooo a week off. Cannot wait altho of course tomorrow morning ill be busy ringing around sorting out the bank drama.

Ok off i go...if i dont post tomorrow ill be back on tuesday with my weigh in results =]

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Up at 6.15am this morning which is too bloody early in my opinion. Tomorrow Im not starting work till 9am so yep i get a bit of a sleep in...at least till 7.30am. Was going to go grocery shopping last nite but my pay wasnt in my account before i left work to go hom...walked in the door and the money was in my account...but by that point i was in a warm house and didnt desire to go out again. So I finish work at 4pm today and will then head out and do some.

All else is going good...just desperate for a nice sleep in. After reading Airlies post I think i will set the ww scales as my reward for losing 5 kilos...they are $100 but i think theyd be worth spending the money on.

2 days after today till Im on leave YAY...one WHOLE week off...and yesterday my friend laura messaged me so i am catching up with her and tracy on thursday for morning tea...so will monday, tuesday and wednesday i will have to save a couple of points each day so i can get a nice hot chocolate and some raisin toast.

Okies gotta get to do some actual work...have a good day all =]

Well another day ontrack. This morning i checked the scales and they were about 100 grams up but i got a sneaky suspicion its from the sodium in the weight watchers potato bakes...will have to check the ingredient list on them tonight. I am not eating them often...but its still good to know why the fluctuation (altho not obsessing lol)

Last night my suburb had a power outage...getting a bit over them to be honest...its the 5th one ive had since i moved into the premises in january major pain in the ass...specially when it happens at dinner time.

Im starting to seriously think about getting the ww kitchen scales...theyre expensive but thered be no cheating with my portions and would be a long term investment. Someone on the ww forum mentioned they had struggled then got them and realised how wrong their portion sizes were and since then have lost regularly.

My sister and the kids might be coming down to adelaide in september for the royal show...so have put in for some leave then so fingers crossed i get that. i also have a week off next week. The maintenance guys are suppose to be coming to do some retiling and fix the toilet...but i still havent heard from either...if i dont hear anything by tomorrow afternoon ill have to call the land agent back again

Not a lot else going on....shopping nite tonite...another 3 days and im on leave YaY...have a good day all

Well another good day so far...Yesterday I ended up with saving 3 points...which is pretty damn good since it was on my day off and i tend to pick on days off. Today I am going to try and eat spot on with my points...I dont really wanna save too many cos it doesnt really help the cause that much unless I am saving the points for a specific reason. I am definitely noticing the side effects from the metaformin...so diet coke can no longer be drank (thank gawd for pepsi). So far its only the diet coke that seems to be affecting me ... so that I can handle.

Everything else is going good...I feel pretty happy and relaxed about everything. Quite a relief with getting a loss yesterday and now its down to business for this week again...but i have no worries there.

Okies off to do some work =]

2.9 kilos babeeeeeeeeeee....

yep thats right !!! I really wasnt expecting that big a loss...I figured it would be around 1.5 kilos altho I was hoping to reach 2 kilos. So I am very very happy...I feel a sense of relief that yes I can lose weight...Im not too old this can be done. (for those yanks out there thats 6.38 pounds. The other exciting news is that the best weight watchers leader in SA (in my damn honest opinion) took the meeting today...shes great...shes my older leader very very motivating...i wish she took our meeting all the time.

Well I had been thinking yay me...no side effects from the metaformin...but im starting to get the side effects...but i know they will only last a few weeks. But I think the meds are helping I dont think i am having high and low sugar levels which is the idea of them.

Not a lot else has gone on today...Im djing tonite...and I think i mite even do my biggest loser beginners exercise dvd in a minute....have a good day all =]

Love days off...mmmm

Well today I am off and tomorrow and I am having a lovely relaxing day ! I have a load of laundry on....dishes are done and Ive tidied up. So now I am relaxing. Just watched dr phil and oprah is just starting now. Its been very nice, played in a couple of gammon tourneys....food wise..another spot on day so far...still have 13 1/2 points left and i have already had lunch.

Was reading the latest slimming & health magazine last nite and i noticed something interesting...all the makeovers stories....on their new menu plans....everyone of them was eating protein shakes. 2 of the ladies went to the same personal trainer so dunno if that was why....but was interested ....

Yesterday i had my bi-monthly one on one session and my team leader put on the report "karyn needs to make sure she looks after herself maximise her attendance" eek ! Wasnt said badly or anything but it certainly puts another light on the fact i HAVE to do this.

The new top i bought a few weeks ago I wore yesterday is a lil looser around my tummy...its not huge on me but certainly is a lil looser which is a good sign. I was reading something the other day that said when changing ur life so make one change every 3 weeks...so all ive done this week is focus on points...not on exercise...not on water...not on anything else...and thats gonna be the focus for another two weeks and then i am going to start to include a LIL exercise.

Okies off to watch oprah...enjoy all !

Don't quit...keep playing...

Saw this on the net today...thought it was cute and apt

"Don't quit . . keep playing."
The concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered her child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the Steinway on stage. To her horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.' At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, moved to the piano, & whispered in the boy's ear, 'Don't quit.... keep playing.' Then, leaning over, he reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played. So the next time you want to give up
Remember..."Don't quit . . keep playing."

Off to sleep...ni ni all

Well sunday morning 8.37am and i am at work. But it is our "friday" so its all good. Come 4pm i then have two days off. I havent had two days off together for about 3 weeks so am really looking forward to the time off.

Had another weirdo dream last night...dreamt i was pregnant (think we would call that the immaculate conception lol) anyway i was huge big big tummy didnt know when i was due so i asked a friend when i was due and she was like in 3 months...and then i had to move house while pregnant and i was moving on august 11 but i realised i didnt have any baby stuff so i rang my mum to buy me a nappy bucket, cot and pram at garage sales and mum said i cant ill be at streaky bay till sunday so wont be going to garage sales LOL - i did want it was a weird dream.

Last nite i was bored so went to bed at friggin 8.30pm...so i went to my bedroom with a magazine...switched the tv on...but it didnt come on...so i thought oh shit its dead (not that its a big drama i bought it from a garage sale and its worked for about 5 years at least lol) anyway so i read for a bit...then rolled over to fall asleep...and just falling asleep when the tv turned itself on and football came raring out...scared the crap out of me !

Tomorrow on my day off im planning to go thru my recipe books to figure out some recipes to make over the next few weeks. I am also planning to make some low fat muffins. So looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning...but ill prolly wake at some ungodly hour - blah.

Foodwise was spot on with 27 points again yesterday...so another good day. Sneaked a peak at the scales and i will definitely have a loss...so thats good news...not a huge loss...but still a loss.

Oh and remember the jeans that were bruising my stomach they were so tight? Well at work i was leaving them unbuttoned....now theyre still tight but yesterday they stayed buttoned up the entire day YAY

okies off i go...enjoy all

So since my big longggggggggggggggg post a few days ago i been thinking. I kept wondering why i still go into voodoo and chat...partly i do it cos occassionally i enjoy it. Was in their lastnight but was quite good was talking to someone ive known for many years whose from South Africa and we were discussing lesbian movies/books...anywaysssssssssssssss so after i left that post....I was really wondering why i still go in there...sure a percentage of it comes down to purely it is a habit but why else? And the only thing i can come too is i do it in case Ang messages me....can you even believe that could be the case? I mean its 4 friggin years or whatever...but then the more i think about it the more it makes sense. See me and Ang were friends for like 6 years before we got together...it truly was a great friendship...she had this great wisdom with people...i use to always tell her she was like a old soul in a young body...she had a real good understanding of how people think and so for that reason i often talked to her about problems or things going on...after we broke up a year or so later we lost the friendship and we have no contact at all anymore. I amde a few attempts but they were pretty futile...and so that does make me sad but maybe thats why i do it? Its not really the relationship i miss with her but the friendship. And I wonder if the impact with her rolls over to my life now...its very funny how my life is different post ang to pre ang...before Ang i had a numerous emotional relationships with people i met online...i enjoyed the company...the indepth chats we would have. Since then not only havent i got involved online (but that said its not only cos of this i want someone in real) but even when it comes to real...im the fussiest bitch as well...i am attracted to butch girls...my friend felicity doesnt even contemplate introducing me to anyone unless they are butch...and then the girls over the last few years that have been potential in real...well 90% have been to short...or they been from the wrong socio economic group or ... or.... or.... so is that me not settling for the first person who comes along or is that me just coming up with excuses not to get involved...which of course gets rid of the risk of being hurt or rejection...or is it i want a ANG NUMBER 2? and if they dont remind me of her im not interested? The reason I posted this today...was it had been on my mind...then i read Jaxxs journal this morning and she made a post that is along the lines altho different...and that was about self esteem and so reading that made me realise we allcop this in some way (well single girls i guess lol) then again...theres the aspect...if i stay fat...have the perfect excuse for never having another relationship...in someways i wonder if i just dunt want to severe those ties to ang even tho there are NO ties to her anymore...when i think back to the relationship i often think it was perfect....and in a lot of ways it was...especially when she was here...but the last few months it definitely wasnt...and there were quite obviously issues we both had...i need to let go...and if i meet someone or someone messages me in pink sofa actually give them a chance before deciding nope would never work. Beofre i decide theyre to slim, too pretty, too short, dont work enuff etc etc etc

Foodwise i been spot on...was exactly 27 points yesterday which was great. Ive really beeen finding it all fine. Im taking the view of avoiding rabbit food and eating foods i like but in a low fat way. Tonight I am going to make a low fat fried rice. Ive also bought lots of different low point snacks so i am getting plenty of variety which is good. Well okies nearly lunch time - time to go eat =]

Well...half the team is off work today or gone home early...they all seem to have some kind of virus which is giving them dizzy spells and nausea and several have been off work for a week with it...fingers crossed i dont get it. 2 More went home today with it.

Food wise been really good...its after lunch and i have a 11.5 points left...am having a ww meal for dinner tonite...and a muesli bar this afternoon and that will leave me with just a few points...so can have a couple of cookies tonite after dinner.

I did jump on my scales this morning and they seem to be heading in the right direction altho i dont know how reliable they are so will have to wait and see. Anyway not much else to write 3.5 hours of work then off home and having a early nite tonite - take care all

Well wasnt gonna post today but wanted to check a couple of journals i read each day and one in particular inspired. Jaxx i find you so inspiring and the way you reset your goals...its amazing to think we were a similar weight and now look at where you are !

Anyway today was my day off...1 day off in 9...UGH...so i didnt do a lot. I havent had 2 days off together for several weeks and i really feel like i need a couple of days together off. I have monday and tuesday off...and cannot wait. I have had a good day food wise...very impressed since it was a day off and that tends to be my bad times....but i was spot on 27 points....and yesterday had 1;5 points left over so that is good. I had a home made baked potato for dinner and tuna bake for dinner...all yum yum. I am trying to avoid having just salad sandwiches every day for lunch....instead my plan is to eat foods i like but in a low fat way.

My DVDs arrived today...so i now have lots of viewing...i got 3 series of L word, if these walls could talk 1 & 2 and season 1 of the ellen sitcom. So think my days off may involve some dvd watching along with house work LOL

Im still undecided about pink sofa...i prolly should just renew it for a year.

Okies its late time for some sleep...nite all

Well I went back ! And really am glad ..it was all quite painless (apart from stepping on the scales) and its all been relatively easy just sliding back into it today. The first few days are normally hard for me but todays been quite a breeze to be honest. I have 1.5 points left over for the day and think I will save them. yay me =]

I did ramble on a lot yesterday didnt i? Once I get going I can type forever and a day. Thanks for your support as always nat - and jody thanks for your comments...theyre too damn nice tho !!! LOL...just kidding...and omg imagine if we lived near each how cool would that be? and yep we would definitely laugh the pounds off.

There is not a lot else to say...just glad i had a good day today...and looking forward to another good day tomorrow !

Reclaiming my life

So...who am i? As most who read my journal or know me...im a thinker...when i was with ang would drive her nuts and She often told me I overthink things. But today and the last few days i really been wondering about a few things. You see in some ways I am all these different people...with family im actually relatively reserved...my mum remarried when i was in my teens and so that of course involves a step family...to me theyre not "my family" to me always my family will be my mum, my dad and my 2 sisters. My memories of my childhood dont revolve around the family life once mum met her now hubby. They are all "sydney" where i lived from 7 till i was nearly 15. That is the true definition of family to me...of course now...i have a brother in law who completely is family and 2 adorable nephews and a gorgeous niece. I adore the 3 of them, its interesting tho...boys are so different to girls, the boys are not so wanting cuddles etc they are all into their dvds and computer games where as my niece LOVES attention. She loves cuddles, and sitting on your lap or next to you reading a book...she also loves telling you to be quiet if you dare talk while dora is on LOL. Anyway i got sidetracked...when my mum met my stepdad i was 15 had just started at a new school...and within a year or so met a great bunch of friends. I never really embraced family life with the stepfamily...cos for one i was 15 by then...getting independant...then i met this group of friends and they were like a second family. We were all quite innocent...no drugs really (well the occassional person smoked marijuana but never me and i never viewed that as evil) about the most dangerous thing we ever did was go meet sailors down at port adelaide (and yes i did go down with them and even snagged myself a sailor one time but thats a story for another day LOL) so anyway cos of this i never knew the "stepfamily" really well so i am reserved in that sense. I hid that i was gay for so long that in some ways i was another person to them...and that still applies to a degree ... my mum doesnt like hearing about girls etc...so in some ways theres this huge segment of my life she knows nothing about. At work im another person...who am i? Prolly the place i am the truest...i have 2 great friends there....Joe and Ryan...(who i call josephine and deidre) they are both gay...and cos we are all gay we just have complete acceptance of each other. Our friends in the team all accept the fact were gay too ... my friend jamie (a female) will often say when a break is coming up "lesbian chat today?" so we head off outside and do a bit of girl talk...occassionally we drag one or two of the boys along. At work im sassy, smart mouth, sarcastic, happy, jokester...im just a real happy say what i think person. I think sometimes they wish I just shut up at work...but its outlet specially as i live alone...i get there and sometimes its just blah blah blah. Then there is online...which there are various places i venture online...theres the ww forum...which i guess is a place where my vulnerabilities are laid...my profile shows my weight...theres been numerous posts over the years...about not losing...about airplane seats not fitting...about how miserable my life is as a "fat girl"...i know one or two people there but im not in the "clique" and thats fine...while ive met some great people there...its not really my thing...then there are 3 chat programs...firstly theres halsoft...which is where i play gammon...i have a group of friends on there whove always known im a lesbian...ive got a great friend kel there whose a aussie...who i call my lovah gurl...shes into graphics too and likes lame music like me and thats what our friendship is based on. Ive known her for years...and we might not talk for months then we do and its all back to how it was...halsoft to me is not a addiction...its fun...gammon keeps me away from the fridge...i get to dj thru there...all is pretty good. Then there is voodoo..."gawd at voodoo !!!" this place is a addiction and to be honest i dont really understand why...there are some people in there ive known for 8-10 years...one dear friend (yes you jody i know ur reading this) who if the world of voodoo was cut off shes the only one i would NEED to keep in touch with...and well she barely chats...and most of our contact is via msn or via email. So i go in there...and chat in this room...well actually as has been mentioned to me several times this week...i dont chat so much...i seem to observe...its a strange room with a real motley lot...theres some real nice people in it...then there are some guys who like assertaining that they are females and refer to themselves as shemales...theres guys pretending to be bi/lesbian women...and occassionally theres someone genuine...so why do i go there? in some ways i dont friggin know...i mean i live by myself...so its company...its in this program i met my big love (which ended rather dismally i must admit LOL)...a lot of the time my "avatar" is in the room but im in my browser...reading ww forums, doing graphics, reading news.com.au or reading blogs...so why go in there? I know part of it is cos i live alone and it is company...another part is when i do manage to get close to someone in there i enjoy the companionship and emotional closeness...but its like anything online it has that level of bitchiness and drama...what do I REALLY get out of it? I end up wasting a lot of time...getting the odd level of drama...occassionally a bit of ego boost when other chats might message me and say they like me etc...but it does nothing to REALLY enhance my real life. The other chat program is pink sofa...i wish i could integrate myself more in here...yanno ive met a couple of girls from there in real life...and those occassions didnt go great...while i have made some friends in there...im not part of the clique...and maybe also the fact that its a lil more threatening n daunting...the girls im msot likely to meet are here in adelaide or neighbouring states...n i guess thats daunting and scary cos i always look at their profiles and think nuh theyre too skinny it wouldnt work out or theyre too pretty it wouldnt work...i really dont take any chances. My susscription for pink sofa is up...today it expired actually ... part of me thinks...go buy a year subscription...and focus 110% for 12 months on getting the life i want...reclaiming it back......im going back to ww tomorrow morning but its not just about weight loss...its about getting me back...sure i can be happy as a fat chick...but am i truly happy and am i reaching my full potential of happiness? If i compare being in a wonderful relationship with a woman...where life is good and i ahve a social life with dinner dates and movies etc or being fat, sluggish, too tired to do anything to productive...sticking stuck in a cyber world with my KFC deep down i know which will make me happier...it wont be the easier option but it is the option i need to dedicate myself too...i think i need to get rid of those chat programs...rejoin pink sofa...update my profile and go in the chat room and the social functions and get my eating and healthy lifestyle COMPLETELY on track...i know i can do it...and tomorrow is day 1 of reclaiming my life...

Well gawd I swear I did a post yesterday but its nowhere to be seen and not even as a draft so the poltergeists musta stolen it...lets hope this one goes thru.

Its 8.19am on a sunday morning and I am at work,,,ot so bad,....i finish at 4.30pm today and then dont work till 2pm tomorrow which wooo hooo means a sleep in. Altho Ill prolly wake with the birds LOL As I am working tomorrow evening I cant go to ww till tuesday morning...but that kinda works better...its the same leader but the group is smaller...the monday night meeting here is SO busy .. its horrid LOL

Went to target the other day and they had series, 1,2 and 3 of L word !! OMG was so excited...and they were on special...reduced form $69.99 to $46.99 so I grabbed all 3. I also bought on ebay if these walls could talk 1 & 2, and series one of the ellen sitcom so over the next few weeks or so ill get a few deliveries. I also bought the book "butch stone blues" and when i bought it i also bought my niece a couple of books ... anyone remember "a duck named ping" im so excited to give her that book. I also bought the beginners biggest loser workout dvd which is suppose to below impact so that should help me out too as i get refocused

Was asked to goout with some girls from pink sofa friday nite...to see the band redhead and then to the ed but i gotta be at work at 8am on saturday morning so need to skip it =[

I feel good today...i feel "free" ive had some worries the past few weeks...firstly i was stressed over the inspection and then thursday i had a run in with someone at work...but spoke to my manager about it yesterday (other person spoke to me completely inappropriately) and i feel much better now. so feels like a real weight has lifted off me.

Tongiht or tomorrow morning i am gonna make up some pita bread pizzas to freeze

Oh I got my puter settings right too so i am doing my graphics again which is great...such a good creative outlet

Okies off i go to start my work day - enjoy all :)

So its pay day today...not really...pay dya "officially" is friday for us...but mines normally in my bank account by about 3.30pm on thursday. Today is a special payday tho as its our BONUS pay packet...nice big one ! I hope its in by 5pm as i would like to go do the grocery shopping after work tonite...but ive got a sneaky suspicion it may not be thru till about 1am. Whilst getting the place organised for the inspection realised there are some things i need ... so tomorrow gonna buy toilet mats for both toilets...bath mat...door mats for the back and front door...a BLOODY electric blanket as im very cold at night and of course...most likely the WII. I was perusing ebay last nite and they have series one and series four of ellens sitcom tv show on there so mite purchase them and i also wanna buy the book "butch stone blues".

Ive also been looking at some digital scrapbooking sites...im kinda good with computer graphics programs and they look rather kewl...only thing is when i do fonts on my computer with vista they come out blurry even tho all my settings are correct...mite sit down and play around with the fonts tomorrow at some point and see if i can work it out...that or maybe i need to upgrade my graphics program. Im using psp 7 LOL which has been around a trillion years....so maybe i should bite the bullet and get psp 10. ooo well just got a email that the book i want which has been sitting in the shopping cart at this book site for a week or so if i purchase today will get $10.00 off it so think theres the incentive to buy it !

I think with this cooler weather too i mite pull out the ole cross stitch. Im getting kinda blah about sitting in front of a computer and wanting to do other things lately...so going back to ww on monday i will be cooking more...but mum gave me a while ago a gorgeous cross stitch of these teddy bear....so think i mite pull it out and get started on it...i have so many hanging hooks in my place would be a nice one to do...would also like to do a kitchen type one for in the kitchen too...mite have to go on to ebay to check that out lol...okies off i go people (i am suppose to be at work after all !) LOL

Well the inspection is over ! YaY she was very impressed....wrote me a note (when i wasnt looking) that said the unit looks fantastic and she said as she was leaving everything is perfect. She admired my photos of my nephews lol...and now a few things will get fixed...the bottom floor toilets has a leak so they will fix that and they are also gonna reseal the tiling in the upstairs bedroom...and they are also gonna send out a guy to do a maintenance on the a/c. I swear to god u turn the a/c on and it sounds like a airplane is taking off...so thats all good ! YaY

Okies this is bad...remember i said my size 26 jeans are skin tight? Well...i looked in the mirror today ( not something i do often) and i noticed all across my stomach i have yellow bruising....now when i say the jeans are skin tight...around my waist they really are (to the point at work i undo the button - eep !) so yes something has to change...last night when i came home...there was a promo from ww in my letter box..to join and get a free book...so done deal (not that i was debating...but now a additional incentive for that first meeting)

Im really over the ww forums...i dont even wanna go to them anymore seeing the religious content thats been there lately...maybe its me....but...its not what i wanna see there. Anyway i wont get on my soapbox...less said the better i think

Enjoy ue day all

wow posting 2 days in a row =] Working today and earning double time and a half...gotta love public holidays...and its been relatively quiet which is nice. I finish at 4.30pm then gotta head home and do some more cleaning...just gonna do a clean of the kitchen...mop the floors and the clean the oven...as well as dust the lounge room and vacumm it...that will have the bottom floor all ready for the inspection. Then tomorrow night...clean the bedroom...and the bathroom and vac and THEN only thing left is to sweep under the carport and the lil backyard courtyard...easy peasy...all done.

Im rethinking the wii...im still planning to get it but maybe not straight away...i really need a new sofa...mine i got second hand...its all grubby and ive had it 5 years now so really thinking its outlived its "secondhandness" i also wanna buy a pantry cupboard for the kitchen....and i figured i can always put the wii on layby...im so worried it would be fun for a week and then id lose interest and they are so damn expensive...so will wait and see.

Had a ww meal for lunch today...so slowly starting to make some good choices....altho next monday night is D nite. Whilst i plan to committ 110% to ww from next monday i dunno if i will get all back into the forums. I still visit daily...but theyve turned very dramatique and whilst im sure they will die down...i cant imagine its that helpful to me...i dont often post on the going under 150 thread as a lot of the chit chat is about kids and of course i have none. I popped into the going under 80's thread and whilst i dont "belong" there they seemed more in tune with me as i didnt see much "kid chat" nothing wrong with kid chat of course...but not something i can really relate too.

Okies off i go for some work...

Superstrange dream last nite...i dreamt i was out "somwhere" i was wearing shorts...and my legs were not shaved LOL anyway this chick threw boiling water over the back of one of my legs...and i was left with this huge red mark which then started to scar and scab...then me and whoever i was with were sitting on these outdoor chairs and this woman comes by...she was gorgeous...black hair...vamp looking and she was saying she is the matrix and she drives people home and i was saying oi yay im gettin her to drive me home

OMG so weirdddddddddddddddd does anyone decipher dreams??? wouldnt mind knowing what that crazy ramble all meant.

Tomorrow is a holiday here...im working....double time and a half - go me ! then the monday after im off to join ww....i so need to get back...right now im hating how ive let things go...not only have i been sick twice in two months....i feel heavy...its becoming a effort to lug me around...my clothes are too tight...my jeans are even too tight directly above my knees...ive got rashes...i generally feel crap and remember WHY i joined ww in the first place. This weekend i started eating better...altho not thinking about points...just eating foods with vitamins etc in them. Tonight i am plannng to have a nice bowl of spaghetti bolognaise.

The inspection of my unit is wednesday and everythings pretty organised just gotta do a few last things and clean my bedroom (which ill do tonight while watching big brother...will prolly take me all of 10 minutes LOL) Im glad tho everything is organised thats really helpful with ww if u ask me...and since i moved in this is prolly the first time things been organised.

I think i need to put a R rating on my journal....someone on the ww commented they went to someones journal and it was obscene...thought mmmmm thats gotta be mine ! lol os if u r of a frail mind...dont read it...im tired of corrupting people lol

Okies off i go...have a good weekend all

Okay before i write anything i gotta thank all for the posts that were left and emails i recieved following my last post. As I told you jody u gawd damn made me cry...altho u were pretty spot on...

well damn im sick. All my sinus's are blocked and my head feels like its going to explode. Anyway so i go to the doc...its a doc i aint seen before and he zeros in on the fact i have PCOS...starts asking me if ive ever had kids...or wanted kids....anyway...in a very tactful way he starts telling me first that i need to get back on to metaformin and that by not taking it im increasing my chance of getting diabetes. Then he says "your BMI needs attending too" --- thats a nice way of saying u need to lose weight LOL. Anyway it was a fairly intense discussion with even lap band surgery bein bought up....he has told me i have to give ww a real go...i need to committ a full 12 months of exercising and following ww and taking metaformin, and if after that if i have not lost weight i need to seriously consider the surgery. Ive never been a fan of the surgery...but what he said made sense....he didnt sit there and go...oh lets do it tomorrow...his big emphasis was on the metaformin but its made me realise this really isnt a choice...and as the doc said for me its not even about looking good anymore,,,it is truly about adding years to my life.

So monday week i will be back at weight watchers. (this coming week is a holiday here) and i am determined to focus on it 110% i also need to reclaim my life and get that life i want

The party saturday was really good. Was great seeing everyone altho i was a bit stunned by how aged one or two looked, makes me realise im not aging too bad at all. Anyway the group of us did have a photo taken and i will post it once i get a copy of it. Oh and had my hair done ! Looks so different is a very dark brown...a caramel colour with just the odd strand of goldish colour...looks very different and taking a bit to get use to. Its also layered a lot more but i really like it.

Back to work friday hopefully this damn sinus will be gone then ! okies off i go need some more sleep....

So I was reading jaxxs journal today and she left quite a heartfelt post when reading it could see its a time which if i was in her shoes could make me to give up losing weight if i was doing well. So then i got thinking...why when id done so well for 6 months...did i falter and give up? Why after months of striving to lose weight...and being happy did i suddenly give it up? why did i falter? i mean i didnt falter for a week or two...its grown into 12 months of inconsistency and not following thru with the plan...ive constantly used joining the gym as thats where everything went pear shaped...but was it really that? Or something else...part of it i think...has to do with my self confidence. Yanno...if i cant meet a partner at size 26...well ok...that works....thats completely logical in my brain...i havent met a partner cos im fat...ok thats nice we can parcel that away in a lil box which makes sense. But what if i got down to size 16 and unable to meet a partner or worse a size 10 or 12...what does that say about me? Is it that im ugly? is it cos i got a suck ass personality? or is it just the luck of the draw? Ive made no secret that finding a partner was a huge motivational factor for me...im tired of living alone and being alone...while i dont need someone...it would make me so much happier to have someone to share it with...the more i think it...the more i thinkits easier to cope with not having a partner while fat...ive got the perfect excuse for being single. Does that make sense? I truly am babbling lol...and its a huge factor....that chick i saw last weekend at the dance that i thought was cute...if i was a size 16 i wouda approached her....but at this size i feel like if i do that th person would basically laugh in my face. Yanno then i think...but I snagged ang...so i must have something going for me right? or is that cos i got to know her online for so many years that i coulda looked like a witch by the time we met she woulda still loved me...then again i dated mel...and she liked me...and told me us not continuing was not cos of my size...and i remember her telling me i had a cute smile...but still...she wanted out...and i know its only one person....but sill makes me wonder i know...i realise tho getting back to weight loss...i cant not keep going...i need to...apart from the fact i need to too prolong my life...my chance at truly meeting someone will be impacted by my size and how i feel about myself. I just have to get this in my head..and understand that the more weight i lose...the more my chances of meeting someone will increase...altho its not a guarantee...

Got the party tomorrow nite...getting rather nervous...most dont know im gay and im dreading the "do you have a boyfriend kazz" questions...dont really wanna be telling people im gay while at my friends party. Okies enuff off for some dinner !

16th june !!! write that date down...cos im going back to ww on that date...if i dont im gonna end up putting all the weight back on and i so dont want that. I went shopping today and had to buy size 26 ! Like holy crap...thats just pathetic...and the crazy thing is i dont even enjoy eating the crap food (well except for salt & pepper chicken which i discovered recently) but yanno its blah...and im noticing things like im thirsty all the time...ive had 3 damn migraines in the last 2 weeks...and i feel sluggish so another couple of weeks i think i will have this completely out of my system. i miss that good healthy feeling. plus im gonna buy the nintendo wii so hopefully i will exercise and enjoy it. So today i bought 2 pairs of jeans...a top in size 24 which is too small (ugh) so need to swap that over for a size 26...a new bra...some boots...necklace...bracelet...and socks. I am really looking forward to the party saturday night...hopefully some photos will get taken...and i can post them next week (like the damn lesbian i am i dont take a handbag when i go out so nowhere to carry a camera LOL)

Found out today we got new staff on monday and one of the newbies...ill be taking under my wing...this is the second time ive got to do this...i like doing coaching and this kinda stuff so thats great. Saturday arvo i am getting my hair done...getting rid of the blonde streaks and gonna get it layered more...fingers crossed it ends up looking good.

Okies another early morning tomorrow (damn these 7.30am starts) so off i go...ni ni all =]

Well i have had another migraine ugh. I think its from the computer screens at work...the doctor thinks so too...thankfully on the weekend we are getting new flat screens at work which should resolve the issue.

I am starting to get the desire back to get on track...im gonna wait another 2 weeks then give it some serious thought. I have decided tho to cancel my gym membership...when i think back my weight loss was better when i was doing exercise at home. But on that note with my bonus which i get on the 12th june i am going to buy a nintendo wii ! I know theyre expensive but...they are fun and could get me off my butt and enjoying myself. I got a email tonight to say my $300 coles myer voucher arrived at work today too ! So will get it tomorrow and will buy some new clothes with it and this weekend i am going to get my hair recoloured...im gonna go to like a caramel colour...im tired of having it blonded all the time. Im gonna get it layered a lot more too. Hopefully will look nice.

In the lesbian world...theres labelling which i guess happens everwhere...the main labels are butch and femme...altho there are others like dyke, queer etc Anyways Ive always thought i fell SLIGHTLY to the femme side...not overly cos im not overly gurly anyway i did this buch/femme test and this was the result:

Your score placed you in the category of Soft Androgyne. This is the "steel magnolia" type. You may also wish to review Strong Femme and Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 41 and 47 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your group is a large part of the 35-45 age group for the most part and has a wide mix of genders and orientations.

For most of your life and social interaction, you don't really see yourself as either butch or femme, but if pressed into a corner, you react more femme than butch. You prefer to seek aid rather than solve your problems on your own, and prefer to give aid rather than to encourage someone to stand on their own feet. You're fairly well balanced over all, with the occasional weakness you haven't quite yet conquered.

Education is important to you, as you see knowledge as a key to independence and freedom, and you tend to have a higher educational level than your peers, either formally or by self-teaching. You read a lot, and a varied assortment of genres, enjoying cartoons as much as heavy psych drama. Biography, however, bores you. You like historical anecdotes but are not very good at memorizing dates, having a more general sense of time.

Your home is a roof for you and not a showplace. Order is optional. You cook if you have to and are efficient at it but really don't like to bother. You prefer to be fed. You like small dogs or big cats and the occasional hamster.

You enjoy a fairly strong butch for a partner, along the lines of a Feminist or Classic Butch, and take on other Androgynes as friends. Family is not terribly important to you, and odds are good you came from a home where that was not the primary issue. You may have a good, but distant relation with your family, or may not be in touch at all, but it's pretty certain you don't live with them unless you have to, or in the same city.

I tell you this is such a good description of me (well except for the part about biographies boring me...i actually enjoy em) I always thought thats where i fall in the whole stream of it. Was rather interesting even if it was just some fun lol

OKies off i go !

Oh what a nite !

Well i sat down last to write a post but got distracted with dinner and big brother LOL. Had a great weekend...went to the golden dance...had a blast...was this chick there sexii as hell...so perved her most of the night but being the chicken chit i am i didnt go over and say hi *blah* but danced had a few drinks was a really great nite (altho i did have a lil hangover yesterday morning LOL)

This coming weekend I have a 40th to go to saturday nite...and think im gonna get my hair down and have it recoloured a caramel colour...bit over the blonde streaks as my hair grows so fast the roots come thru so quickly. Anyway saturday nite is a friend I went to schools 40th most of our friends are going but i have not seen most for 5-10 years....so going to be a very interesting night. Its a 80's themed party so i plan just dancing the whole nite lol

This morning i started work at 7.30am which meant i needed to set my alarm for 5.45am...what did this dork do? yep u better believe it...set it for 6.45am..got up wandered around the house for a few minutes then thought i shit im suppose to be at work in 40 minutes....so ended up being a huge rush and having to catch a taxi to work

Thanks for all the comments about me taking a break from WW...i expected to get lots of "are you insane? get back on the ww horse today!" but im already starting to think about losing weight ... im not gonna rush it...im gonna make sure im totally in the right head space before i get back into it but i suspect by late june i will be in the right place. And thanks nicole for your message that was sweet of you :)

Well this is a post I really debated over whether to post or not...i am over weightloss...completely completely over it...im tired of counting points, scales, worrying about whether ive had a loss or not..stressing over if i havent loss then why not. Im also tired of all the money ive spent on it over the last 2 years. I mean I am really glad and proud I lost the initial 34 kilos...but right now im done...i need a break from it all...and i know most people are thinking well thats it shes gonna put all her weight back on...hopefully i wont but im also making no headway with the way things are at the moment. Initially I thought just dont post...end of story. But Ive decided to keep the journal going and hopefully in time something will click and i will get my head in the right place to lose the weight. So i will keep posting but it will be very minimal if any weight loss talk.

Ok other stuff...was in a slight bingle last nite...was in a taxi and the taxi driver hit a cyclist...wasnt pleasant but the cyclist didnt appear too injured and the taxi driver took him to hospital so would presume all is ok.

Looking forward to the golden dance...meeting twinkz there and theres another 4 girls we know who will be there as well and this morning i had a message on the sofa from a girl who asked if I minded if she comes across and says hi...to which of course i said ... of course come on over ! LOL gawd what a tart i can be.

Im really dying for this weekend...this week just has seemed sooooooooooooo long and i am really over it and really need a couple of days away and some goddamn sleep ins ! I am hanging out for saturday morning for a good long sleep in.

Okies not a lot else going on...enjoy all =]

Wow 2 days running updating the journal...amazing. Last nite i wasnt so good...i crumbled and had kfc...but thats it...no more unless it fits in to my points...my only aim right now is to get thru today and stick to the points.

Last nite went into the pink sofa and spoke to a couple of girls who i was suppose to meet up with the same nite i went out to the grange hotel. Anyway M the chick i met up with for coffee met them....so they asked me how did it go with u and M ... i was like shes a nice enough gal but there was no chemistry...well their impression was she was weird...apparantly one of the girls she kept probing her on her sex life and she kept staring at anohter girl...all very weird ... so glad I gave her a wide bypass.

Had my 12 month report for work done...was a good result altho I thought I deserved a slightly higher mark...but cant complain...i will still get enough to pay off most or all of the tax bill

Okies off I go...

Well im a goddamn slack ass eh? But I rejoined ww online today. I was debating over doing it online vs meetings...but when i looked at the success of jaxx and nat who dont go to meetings i thought bugger it i can do it without meetings too. So im trying not too put too much pressure on myself...just focus on staying within my points this week...hopefully that will lead to a nice healthy loss...and that I can then build on it. Finally got my new mobile...o0o its flash its a nokia 6500...very nice...but i didnt have numbers saved to the sim card so have lost a lot of phone numbers...oh well.

Came into work today and I had been nominated for a spot award...so won some more wishlist points...got 10000 points last week too..(which have converted to a $300 myer voucher which should get in the next week or two) Then i can go shopping and buy some new clothes...im desperate for some new bras...and some new clothes would be nice. This weekend i have to wash and pack up the clothes that no longer fit that I am giving to tracy as well.

Bought some marinated yiros chicken at the butchers last week. So will cook them up tonight...and then have a home made yiros with some oven fries for dinner. Should be a lot less points then getting one from a take away store plus no garlic sauce.

This weekend is the golden dance and me and felicity are going...havent been to one in ages so should be a lot of fun.

Well enough for today,,,promise i will update more regularly...im off to play with my new phone LOL

So I have been missing in action and the truth of the matter i spat it this week with the whole weight loss thing and at myself to be honest. The scales went up a lil this week (now in my rationale mind i know its prolly fluid...mostly cos TTOM is due but also my left foot has a tight feeling so im pretty sure im retaining) but after the last month with my attempts at the gym i just spat it. Was sick of the scales...was sick of feeling the obligation of going to the gym and the diet and everything remotely healthy has flown out the window. So i am now debating...ive come to the conclusion the fernwod diet is not aimed at someone with 70 kilos to lose nor do they have the answers for someone with 70 kilos to lose. So i am going to go back to what I know what works and what my intuition tells me is the right thing to do and thats ww. Now its just a case of deciding whether to attempt to do it online or whether to attend meetings.We have a new roster at work coming in from june 1 which would mean 2 out of 6 weeks i could not attend a monday night meeting...but those weeks i could attend a tuesday morning meeting...part of me is thinking....give it a go online for a week and see how i go...if all goes to plan...then keep at it online (as it is cheaper that way) until it doesnt work then attend the meetings...another part of me knows i need the accountability of the meetings...so decisions decisions. I wont lie this week i have changed my mind daily on how i should tackle this...everything from have a break from scales nd everything that goes along with it...to celebrity slim....to biggest loser club...to lite n easy. The bad thing is too...i simply didnt turn up for my appointments at the gym this week...they tried contacting me...but i didnt answer the phone (on purpose lol) honestly...i think i need to simply get some losses on the board...and get my confidence back in regards to that...cos after this last month i have started to doubt if i can do this....maybe now im 40 my metabolism is too stuffed up...but realistically i know i can do this but i think i need to keep it simple and introduce things slowly. So firstly i will simply get back on to ww follow the points...then once i have gained some losses...i will introduce some exercising. Not walking cos i just think my feet arent cut out for it....prolly get some dvds (like the biggest loser beginners one) and just do that....and also my walk away the pounds...just do it simple like i did 18 months ago when it all worked fo me. In time i will go back to the gym but i wanna introduce it slowly cos right at the moment the thought of going to the gym repulses me. So not giving up...more going with my intuition.

Friday we had our "ignite roadshow" for work...so basically everyone was off the phone by 12.45 pm and we headed down to west beach shores to this function room where basically there was like a 45 minute speach...then they let us run free...they had a room with "3 minute angels" who were giving massages, another room which had about 10 consoles set up (and i had no idea what i was doing with them ! lol) and then there was food and drinks for free. Then after that we went to the grange hotel for dinner...OMG yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i had rigatoni with chicken, ricotta, spinach, and sun dried tomato...was the yummiest pasta meal i have had in so long.

And I have a few nites out coming up..on the 24th is the next golden dance and me and felicity are going...and on the 31st is tracys 40th...tracy and i went to school together...and lots of people went to school with will be going so should be very very interesting nite LOL

Okies...off i go

A few revelations...

Well the last few days have been a few revelations...so lets see...firstly my puter has been a bitch lately...so friday nite i thought ill reformat it and clean it up...well reformatted it and it wouldnt install java...then wouldnt install all the updates...so by saturday morning I had had enuff and was at the puter store getting a new one...to organise everything and for them then to say...oh we dont have it in stock...do u wanna pick it up from another store? So off into the city i go to grab it. Anyway I get it home and its gorgeousssssssssssssssssssssss its a laptop...for all the geeks its got a 18 inch screen...3GB ram...320 GB hard drive, vista (obviously). finger print ID, 5.1 surround sound, tv tuner, high definition resolution screen, the screen is absolutely stunning to look at. I truly have a crush on it ! Cant wait to get a few L word episodes to watch on it LOL it also came with a voip phone and a remote control ! omg how techie am i????

So then yesterday afternoon i headed off for the "date"...which has really got me thinking...she was a nice gal...said a few things which i found weird and bottom line i just didnt feel there was chemistry there. Then I started thinking about stuff...I think a huge thing about it and my weight loss journey the goal was to get a gf...and I am not saying I dont want a gf...but there is prolly a relatively good chance I will be single...now I dont say that in a bad or megative or victim way...but what I realise by thinking that is yes ok that maybe the case but thats still no reason not to have a wow of a time. The focus needs to be really on enjoying life as it is...and to be honest right now id prefer to be single...and id prefer to just concentrate on making friends and getting healthy. Really what I want is company to go out to movies, dinner, the occassional pub night etc...Im not a huge person for the "scene" i really am a homebody...so the focus is no longer on getting a relationship but the focus is on building my social life and my happiness by getting healthy...dunno if that all makes sense...think it made a lot more sense in my head LOL

Off to the gym in the morning ... i been slack about it later....i get scared of falling off the treadmill...i really have to concentrate and have had some near misses so that puts me off...i prefer going when theres not many there. Id also like to do some classes but dunno if i would cope with them.

Well off to watch big brother...enjoy...............................

Went to see jenna my dietician today and the good news was my trainer teri had already spoken to her. Jenna had worked out my BMR is 12000kj and i was only having 5000 kj so they have put me on to their highest plan which is 7300 kj. It was good knowing teri had spoken to her cos i realise im not their only client but makes me feel like more then a number. Today i work 1pm-9pm then i am on leave for 10 days. Tomorrows a busy day...off to the gym in the morning...then off to do grocery shopping and eyebrows be waxed followed by a hair appointment at 1.45pm. Will have to set the recorder to tape TBL tonight. Okies just a quick one as busy busy...gotta go get dinner organised for work tonite...have a good day all :)