Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Weigh in result :)

So was weigh in day....and i lost 1.5 kilos :) So last week i lost 2.5 4 kilos in 2 weeks - cannot complain about that. So the food side of things is going pretty damn good...the exercise not so much LOL....which is a combination of a few things. One we have had some 40+ temperature days .... two....since i got back on track i have been sooooooooooooo tired ..... its thinking i may have to start taking a multivitamin and partly cos im a chicken lol. When i did that 45 minute pump was a struggle to get thru it....i just dont have the endurance if a 45 minute class is a struggle can only imagine a 60 minute also unsure yet what to do. I think cardio at this point is what i really need....but the treadmill scares me....i hate the bike....and well i can only last 10 minutes on the xtrainer. I just need a plan at this stage. Tomorrow I have PT and at this stage not sure about saturday as i just checked....supposed to be 34 on saturday and with it being 37 the day before .... ugh....i dont always wanna cancel on fiona but i also dont want to do a session that is horrid cos of the weather and then stop doing the sessions.

Ive been having a slight issue with bleeding nose lately. In the last 10 days i have had 3....always occurs within about 5 minutes of waking. The first 2 times i put it down to the heat....but it happened this morning again and definitely not hot weird.

Not much else going plans this weekend....gonna be a quiet one!

Enjoy all :)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Giving yourself permission to enjoy life...

I mentioned a few posts back that i have a calmness about me lately. And then this morning I was thinking about different facets of my, friends, my eating, being back at fernwood and i thought to myself i feel happy...and i feel allowed to be happy.

Allowed to be happy? This relates to grieving...i have mentioned previously for a lot of the past 2.5 years i have been in denial about my mums passing. And when I say that I mean I have not had that moment when I crumpled down to the ground and sobbed my heart out. I am not someone who talks about this stuff....i see other people who lose loved ones and its all over facebook...its bought up constantly ..... but thats not me. So while I havent had that "broke down" moment....I have not been in denial about the actuality of it all. It is a very present thought of that phone call from my sister telling me mum had passed away, of walking up the street to mums house knowing she had passed away and seeing cop cars and ambulance...the knock of the door of the coroner turning up....of walking out of that house alone knowing i will never walk back in there with her there....those (and more) are ever present thoughts. Im a logical person and i relive those moments and am sure I will forever.

Thru this whole process i never thought i was denying myself being happy...mums funeral was held on the tuesday....i was back at work on the wednesday....i went about things trying to be all business and things were as they had always been. Cos thats me....that ms tough exterior logical.

Mums funeral was held 8 days after she passed away (delayed as it had to go thru the coroner and they were busy) and the weekend before the funeral....after a week of funeral planning...on the friday night we had dinner and then it was decided we would get on with normal life (as much as you can) the next day....i remember my sister, her hubby and kids and i went to the royal show. I remember one specific moment at the show i was standing there with my sister and nephews were on some ride and we were watching them. And my thought was this is wrong, how can we be doing something fun considering what has happened. I remember being consumed by the thoughts out of how out of place this was....that day i was very much stuck in my head. I think a huge part of this was not knowing what is expected....lets face it there is no set of guidelines over what to do and how to behave when someone passes. I think in that moment I got it in my head that "fun" was wrong...that yes i needed to go about life and earn a living....but my goals for this happy, healthy social life needed to take a was not the time for those. And I feel finally, finally i am giving my permission to live the happiest life i can, to go after my goals, and truly put mum at someone once told me ....the best way to honour her is to live your best and healthiest life....and this is true....but more importantly....i am now giving myself permission to do this for me.....not cos others expect me to do it, and not cos i feel obligated out of honouring anyones memory (even tho i do honour not just mum but my dad and lil sister) but im doing it purely and simple cos its what i want, its what i need, and i am 110% back in living my life, by my rules, in my way, for most importantly one

RIP mum x

Friday, February 20, 2015

Wrap up of my week :)

Well what a week!! Sunday morning i weighed 119.5 kilos. Tania and i went walking around the torrens on sunday morning, bright and early but it was so hot we only walked for a hour and then went out to breakfast ;)

Monday was day 1 back at the gym! Went in and signed up (unbeknown to me it was my personal trainer getting me to sign the paper work!) I went and firstly jumped on the cross trainer...and nearly died. It was a struggle and really killed my calves. Then i went and did a 45 minute body pump...boy what a struggle. I dont think its the weights themselves that is the struggle but my endurance. The next couple of days specifically wednesday i was in insane pain! Tuesday night i went to a RPM class....which killed my ass lol....but that was not too bad admittedly. I could still do all the cycling while standing....but i certainly felt it in my quads.

Wednesday i did some overtime at work so no gym.....and thursday i had my first PT session with my new trainer. The PT session went really good....we discussed my huge list of past and current injuries/issues lol....and my goals....which i told her to be down to 80 kilos by mid next year, i also told her about how i havent been exercising for pretty much 4 months because of my health....I found her really good...she told me she is all about open communication and if there is something i really dont want to do to tell i feel much better then i did with the previous trainer. We did some weight stuff which i didnt feel particularly weak at....when we did core exercise she asked me to do some crunches....and was impressed....she was like....thats not a crunch your exceeding that lol its a sit up. She said my core strength is good. We also did some step ups....that was a struggle....its definitely cardio things that im struggling with. She then told me she thinks i am the perfect candidate for the foxy challenge (which i had been thinking of doing)...since i am getting back into the gym and also have weight loss goals. Its a bit different this year and especially cos it has some components on mind set i think i will definitely do it. :) Ill sign up this week.

As to what the scales did? After being 119.5 kilos on sunday I was up to 120 kilos on wednesday morning (weigh in day) which meant a 2.5 kilo loss....but then thursday morning i was up to 120.2 and this morning 120.2 kilos again. I am not too concerned always when i start working out i struggle to lose on the scales. So there may be a slight gain on the scales this week...but whilst the scales may (and prolly will stall) thats the time you usually see body shape changes.

I have to say eating has been spot on...ive been super impressed with me :)

This weekend its suppose to be 40 degrees both saturday and sunday! eek! id like to go do body pump tomorrow morning but i dunno in that heat, Saturday night i am going out with tania, martine and tina to my fave restuarant "moonsoon" I bought a new top to wear...ill snap a pic tomorrow night....sunday morning me and tania may go up for it....will depend on tania....she may feel its too hot!

Have a good weekend all! :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Oh the pain...

Well i woke this morning and thought....ehhh im not too sore. But as the day progressed i of course got sorer! lol I did go to the gym tonight (so nice being back at a gym i feel comfortable at!) i did 10 minutes on the treadmill and then a 45 minute RPM class. I was planning to go tomorrow night (ooops sorry tania!) but i am going to do some overtime instead. thursday night i will go in for the first PT session with the new trainer and then friday night ill do a body pump :)

I will weigh in tomorrow morning. I was 119.5 kilos on sunday morning...this morning i was 119.9 kilos but that would just be fluid retention from body pump, with my current muscle soreness i would definitely definitely be retaining some fluid. But i know i will have a loss....just depends how much.

Foodwise i have been so spot on its been ridiculous! And not only spot on but minimal processed foods :)

Im in a very nice spot on the is weight loss feels controlled again....been socialising a lil bit more....all good!

Enjoy your night all :)

Monday, February 16, 2015

Back into it all

Well today was the day I truly got back on track. After so many months of back injury, illness, waiting for the time I could rejoin Fernwood. I went back today. It felt good. Kinda like going home lol. A lot of members I saw I didnt recognise but there were certainly ones I have seen around the gym in the past.

I signed a new contract then went and set up for body pump and jumped on the cross trainer and O...M...G i nearly died! 5 minutes and i was sweating thinking i cannot last much longer....and that was only at level 5 lol.....i used to do 25 minutes at level 10 as a warm up. I then jumped on the treadmill for 10 minutes, at a speed of 3.5 and a incline of 7% (since I was about to go do a class I didnt wanna over do it in the first 15 minutes lol) I then went and did body pump. The last time I did a body pump class would be at LEAST 9 months ago. I was fine with the movements, the choreography but omg my endurance and strength just sucks haha. I used the smallest weights...EVEN for the squat track lol. I could feel my hamstrings and chest muscles hurting in the can only imagine how sore they will be tomorrow!

After the gym I stopped in at the health food store and they had quest bars! OMG super excited!! Thats the first time I have seen them in a shop in adelaide....and they even had the peanut butter supreme flavour :)

I exepected this afternoon to be tired....but I got home and was all energetic, did some house work and washing. Now i feel a bit sleepy and i am guessing i will prolly sleep as heavy as crap tonight!! haha all feels good :)

Tomorrow I am going to do a RPM class. My aim this week is to work out every day even just a 45 minute class....most important thing is just to get the routine happening...I will do my first PT session with the new trainer on thursday too!

Enjoy ur monday all :)

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Too damn hot!

So after two days of calorie cycling i am down 3 kilos....O.M.G :) Just two days of doing well has put me in a much better head space!

Yesterday was forecast to be 41 degrees so i told fiona no PT session....tania wanted to go walking this was forecast to be 39 degrees and would be no running and we decided to meet at 8am so thought that would be no drama. HAHA! Was nearly 32 degrees at 7am! We did go....but only walked 45 minutes instead of 90 minutes. It was warm but it was worth it for the company.

After the walk we went to what is becoming a regular place for breakfast....where we both eat the same thing lol....bacon and eggs on toast.....yum yum! So worth out to 624 calories but so worth it...i could always skip the bacon...but its kinda worth it! lol Must admit while we were eating breakfast at one point i got a bit funny feeling...only lasted for a minute or so.....and im guessing was either the heat....or suddenly eating some sugar (the bread)

Tomorrow I am rejoining fernwood....must admit I am incredibly nervous about it. After the poor previous experience there is that i making the right decision....but i cannot get past ive never felt as comfortable at any other gym. That said...I dont feel real comfortable there LOL.....but its better then at a big or both genders gym. Back to feeling nervous etc in that gym environment ..... but with time that should improve.

Tonights dinner...i am cooking some chicken breast and having it with a salad with baby spinach, cucumber, mushrooms, avocado and feta....yum yum :)

Enjoy your monday all!

Friday, February 13, 2015

Back to calorie cycling :)

Yesterdays post and thinking must have done something cos i have been awesome with my food today. Even went to the shop with a shopping list and walked out with nothing extra ;)

I decided to count calories and today is a lower calorie day...1400 calories....ive tracked everything i plan to eat....dinner will be chicken, roasted cherry tomatos and feta followed by 35 grams of dark chocolate. I am sure I will stay on track. Why am i sure? Cos i am focusing on breaking the food addiction.

Today has been a lazy guessing cutting out so much crap i will prolly go thru some withdrawals so kinda good the next few days ill be home, if i have headaches etc i can just nap.

Ive noticed some pain at the back of my foot.Not exactly pain but tightness...I think its my i have started to do some calve stretches.

So monday back to the gym :) ill be doing a 45 minute body pump thinking of doing a body balance class straight after too..just not sure how my body will cope. So next weeks workouts will look like this:

monday: body pump
tuesday: RPM (and maybe body pump)
thursday: PT
friday: body pump
saturday: running with fiona (maybe body balance too)
sunday: 7km walk with fiona

More then calorie burning....the focus this week is to create a new routine. None of those classes freak me out so I should be will be interesting to see how I cope with the different classes tho lol

Have a good friday all :)

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Food Addiction and other ramblings

I have said it numerous times before (altho not recently) food is a addiction. I am addicted to food, no different to a alcoholic. When I was 173 kilos I was addicted and when I was 80 kilos I was still addicted (altho it was controlled)....pure and simply I will always be addicted.

And my thought process on this needs to change. I have been trying to remember my first memory of food. And for some people this may not surprise them LOL. My first memory is me in a idea whose dad was in the car and I have no idea who else (mum wasnt tho) and the car was full. And we were going to pick up some food. Bet you cannot guess where from?....mmmhmmm KFC it is literally my earliest memory. I know it was before we lived in Sydney so I was 7 or younger. I remember the smell and the big bucket of chicken and whilst I dont remember eating it....all I remember is us in the car park getting it. I was super excited.

Some of my memories of food are good and some are bad. I remember dinner times....and not in a good way! Dinner was always a challenge cos I hate vegetables. I dont like peas, carrots, brussel sprouts, pumpkin, cabbage, cauliflower....and that was pretty the vegetables mum cooked...boiled. I would sit there for hours at the table playing with my food. I spent so much time at the dinner table that when I struggled learning my times tables mum wrote them up on a piece of cardboard and stuck them on the back of the kitchen door so I could either eat or stare at the times tables (and I dont think its any huge surprise that im awesome at multiplying these days lol) I really tested my mums patience. I remember one night her telling me, since you cannot eat your dinner properly you can eat your dinner in the laundry with the cat LOL So I stayed in the laundry...there was a upright freezer I let my meal sit on and I played with the cat for half an hour....way better then sitting at the dining room table haha ;) That attempt by mum was a huge fail.

Sunday nights we had a routine. My sister and I were always called in from playing at 4pm. We had baths, hair was washed and dried and then we had a roast dinner. This was the worst night of the week cos there was always roast pumpkin. OMG the smell was attrocious. I remember at one point (and this went on for a few weeks) sunday arvos I would always start coughing (sniggers) i would have my bath...getting into my pjs and dressing gown...and for this terrible cough I would get tissues which i would stick in my pocket. At the table I would then lay out the tissues on my lap and whenever mum or dad werent looking I would take food place them in a tissue and roll the tissues up and place them in my pocket so I could throw them down the loo later LOL

For the not so great cooked vegetables mum was a fantastic cook of treat foods. We never had chips etc in the house (altho at times arnotts assorted family packs would make it in, dad loved scotch finger biscuits lol) there was always everything from devils foodcake, to melting moments to caramel slice to cupcakes....all homemade and all freaking delicious! On the fridge there were 2 orange tupperware containers....they sat on top of each other and this is where a lot of the treats were kept. Often after dinner i would sneak out of my bedroom or pretend to go to the toilet and would be up on tip toes trying to quietly open one of these containers to sneak a treat out. Prolly as many times as I managed to do it without mum knowing...I got caught as many times. Instead of being something accessible the treats became like gold, something I could never have enough off. And still today, i see these patterns. I hate dinner. Ive convinced myself I not only dislike vegetables but most meats. Truthfully i dont mind some vegetables, I dont mind mushrooms, capsicum, onion, tomatos, baby spinach. I use to love lamb cutlets as a kid but never have lamb now....never have pork....and have convinced myself i am bored of chicken. Getting my dinners down pat is something i need to work on. Meat and salad is prolly the initial focus.

I remember when at my biggest I hated eating in front of people. It was a shame, cos no matter what you ate it was wrong. If i ate bad foods I thought people would think "no wonder she is so fat" and if i ate good, healthy foods i thought people thought "who is she kidding we know she will go home and stuff her face"

When I was smaller i loved that i could eat out with no judgement. It was even like i was eating bad foods when out in a way to stick my finger at anyone judging me. I could do it. It didnt matter whether it was a apple or a fast food burger i could do it without any judgement. And yanno i wanted to be that person who believed food didnt control me. By the end i didnt want to miss out any more....I wanted to be normal and especially at work when they bought food around (which happens at times) i didnt want to be the odd one out who said no....i wanted to be normal....but by saying yes to all these food offerings that came around...i again don't feel normal...I lost that

It is time for me to control the food and not allow the food to control me.

What honestly works for me?

Keeping occupied - when I spend hours in front of the tv I am not occupied...I am bored cos I have nothing better to do and one of the biggest causes of my over eating is boredom. I have mentioned it before when I made healthy living my hobby I was successful. Tomorrow in the morning I am planning to do housework and in the afternoon I will duck into town I went to go and wander thru the bookstore and get some new books.

But its not just books, updating my blog with authentic posts regularly...not just posts of "i ate 1600 calories today" but more about how I am feeling and all I am doing. Where my head is at and being 100% accurate with my journey.

I remember years ago being told if you want to be fit and healthy you have to act fit and healthy. So even if you aren't running marathons you act as a fit person. What does that mean to me? Having water on me ALL the time,.....not just sitting at my desk during my breaks at work...having skin that glows...reading the latest runners magazine...saying no to crap food.....putting out positive vibes in life

Avoiding foods that I cannot resist. Yanno that saying "one is too many and 1000 is never enough"? There are some foods I just have to ban, its what I did when I lost the weight before:

*Absolutely no bakery pies, pastie, donuts, cakes etc in the house or when out
*No deep fried fried fish, no "crispy" anything in restuarants, not hot chips etc
*Minimal processed meats...preferably only turkey or bacon, kabana, salami, metwurst etc
*No low fat products apart from skim milk and mayonnaise
*No cheese apart from feta in the house....I can have a cheese sandwich when out but none to be bought into the house
*No fruit toast, croissants, white bread

So what can I have then? There is actually a palethero of foods I can eat:

oats and protein powder
weetbix and chia seeds and honey

Multigrain sandwich with turkey or chicken, may and salad
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)
Rice/barley/quinoa with chicken, vegetables

Lamb, chicken, pork and salad/feta/avocado/semi dried tomatos or roasted vegetables
yiros (saturday night treat)
Eggs on toast
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)

Home made protein balls
Bounce protein balls (once a week)
bananas and tahini
protein shakes
home made muffins
skim hot chocolate

Another thing that I realise is a trigger is the cafe at work. Its on the floor I work on and its too tempting. I walk past it in the morning and can smell bacon, and i go in during the day and theres hot food, cakes, chocolate, etc etc so I am literally going to avoid it (they will think i have died or something haha!) I will enter the building a different way....I can avoid it if I make the will mean tho being very organised with my lunch and snacks and having no diet coke at work....just nothing that cannot be done. Restricting my diet coke to just at home is a good idea too.

This may seem like prolly is....but things feel clearer in my head. Im not positive on continuing weight watchers, i dont like the weekly points and I really want to get away from processed foods....I know you can do ww without them...but yanno you walk in a meeting and there they are (plus sometimes with those tech sections at the meeting it feels like a bit of a sales pitch) so I will see how I go this week.

Monday I rejoin the gym...I think that will help me pretending to act like a fit person even if i am not just yet! Have a good night all :)

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Weigh in results and dating :)

Weighed in last night and lost 500 grams - considering I had my cycle last week I was happy with that. The countdown is on now...6 days till I rejoin the gym, I know once that is happening things will really start happening ! :)

I was on pink sofa (a lesbian networking site) today, and I saw a comment where someone said "why do some people you never forget". It got me thinking about Ang (my first girlfriend and only serious partner). When we broke up (many years ago lol) it broke my heart....and I didn't cope well. In fact that was the first time I recognised I suffered from depression. Anyway in the aftermath of our breakup I swore...never again. I will never allow someone to have the negative impact on me she had. But would I choose to forget that relationship? NO. Now looking back I am grateful for it, I had a lot of firsts with Ang, I had a lot of good times, I also had a lot of frustrations lol...I am was not a perfect relationship but it was ours.

After many years of not dating, back in 2011 when I was near goal I stepped out into the dating world. I dated someone, she really had no interest in anything serious and it was very up and down because of that. After that at like 44 years old I decided I was too old for that emotional roller coaster that dating can you lead you on. And for many years I haven't. I have wondered if deciding I am no longer dating is part of what led me to gain weight. I mean if you aren't going to have a social life what are you going to do? Yep sit on the lounge and make friends with food. Of course there is MORE to life then dating! lol but it was a big part of my goal, my dream for getting to my goal weight.

I think tho, I am ready again to start to dip my toe into the dating pool!

Sunday, February 08, 2015

Taking me back

This is a post which has prolly been coming on since the day I started this blog. Ive touched on these topics previously but decided for my moving its better I really put everything down in detail and move on.

We all have things happen in life...which are transforming....they shape our thoughts and then of course our actions.

I was always a healthy child. Never any weight issues, never any true issues, I mostly led a idyllic childhood. I took ballet classes, we never really wanted for much and our family life was happy.

In 1981 my dad got sick. He was diagnosed with mouth cancer. The day they realised he was sick, I left for school that morning and dad had plans to go to the dentist. He went to the dentist and the dentist looked in his mouth and said he couldnt touch his mouth and was sent directly to the hospital. Initially dad was in hospital (a army hospital) while the biopsy was done. Once the diagnosis was done he was transferred to Sydney hospital to have radiation treatment. We would visit the hospital on sundays. I remember being told everyone on the ward was "terminal" but not really understanding that. Dad was also on chemo at the time and his lil stand with the drip etc he had named "old shep" (after the song). I remember the drive in, and I remember being in the ward and I remember being more intrigued by the guy who had swollowed fishing hooks more so then what was really going on with dad - i just didnt understand the enormity of it all. After about 8 weeks dad was sent back to the originial hospital. This hospital was about a 30 minute drive from our house. My dad was in the army and the army supplied a car and driver to drive mum to the hospital twice a day. We use to go visit every evening and on the weekends twice a day. I found it a stressful situation, whilst I wanted to visit the hospital and see my dad it still frustrated me that I had to spend so much time in a hospital. This was when I first started to emotionally eat. I started to gain some weight but I was so skinny to begin with I was still well and truly slim and trim. I remember in those days at school eating a apple turnover for lunch AND a meat pie (go work out those calories! lol) My biggest memory of that period time is one saturday afternoon where we had to go to the hospital. Now remember I was at days involved school, homework, visit hospital (which involved one hour travelling there and back) then two hospital visits on saturday and sundays (so each day 2 hours stuck in a car). I remember this one saturday I just refused to go. We had a swingset out the back and just plain refused.  So mum went,....locked the door and I was stuck in our backyard for about 3 hours lol.

One of the saddest things about this period of time which truly breaks my heart happened about 3 weeks before dad died. Having had mouth cancer when the cancer spread it did also spread to his brain which obviously affected his thoughts. Anyway this one day a few weeks before he died...he was in hospital and I walked in wearing a white dress...he got so upset...yelling telling me to go away....saying he wanted the nurse away. Turned out he thought I was a nurse and I was coming to take him away, his mind was in such a state where he didnt realise he was actually in hospital. After that because Dad became so upset the doctor recommended I not visit again. That was a hard pill to swallow, even though I resented the hospital I now resented that I couldnt visit.

A few weeks later, my dad passed away. His family came down for the funeral. Dad has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. His mum also came down for the funeral. I dont remember a lot about the funeral. I remember I wore a blue dress, and I remember sitting in the chapel. I dont really remember anything from the rest of that day till later that night. I remember being in bed and i think I was reading. I was wearing my nightie. I dont remember him walking in (and I am not going to say who "he" is) I just remember him suddenly being in my bed and squeezing my breast and the next thing I looked up and (thankfully) my sister was at the bedroom door. I remember nothing else. The next day I told mum, she didnt believe me. I let the subject drop, but I knew it was true.

This event didnt make me gay. I knew I was gay from the time I was about 10 ;) I simply put it behind one wanted to believe me so why discuss it?

3 months later we moved to Adelaide. Mum had a friend here in Adelaide....she was going thru a separation and had a daughter and son and also a foster daughter. And it somehow got decided we would move in with them till mum bought a house. A few weeks after arriving mum met someone (who she eventually married) this led to me being unhappy for a number of years. At 17 before completing my schooling I had not only quit school but also moved out of home. At the time I just wanted peace. The person my mum married I would describe as "judgemental" he definitely believed a womans place is in the kitchen. I remember him calling me a "feminist" and that was in his eyes a negative thing, I remember him saying "you walk like you work as a wharfie" his comments did nothing to help my self worth in fact it damaged it. I guess I was seen as the black sheep of the family...he saw me as spoilt...and I think he didnt like that...this is a very skim the surface of that relationship....if i am going to be honest (and thats what this post is about) and this is what the final straw for me was.....he hit me once and bruised the back of my thighs. I remember once clothes shopping and him telling mum what clothes to buy me...hello....ill be wearing them? Its a big issue with me....its hard to have self worth when for years you are told you are not that good, you dont behave well, you dont walk right, you cannot pick out suitable clothes etc etc.

This led to my relationship with my mum my entire life being strained. She always sided with him and I guess I can understand that to a degree...she was sharing a house and life with would have added a layer of tension to her life if she backed me up. But in all honesty, I believe there were times she should have dealt with some uncomfortableness and backed me up. When I was most successful with my weight loss was when I made a conscious point to not make my relationship with my mum or him to be a very low priority. I put myself as my number one focus. I refused to allow myself to step into that situation. And it worked. I did awesome.

I seemed to have lost my desire for weight loss after mum passed away. I havent understood it. When mum passed away it was hard. Our relationship was far from perfect altho when she became sick i think things improved. Mums death was completely unexpected. I think there has prolly been a sense of guilt. Did i do the wrong thing? Did i not do everything i could to enable us to have a good relationship with mum? If i am truthfully honest it wasnt a situation I could improve. Sometimes we just have to do whats best for ourselves. Should I feel guilty/bad that it wasnt perfect? Or did it make me less because I didnt have a perfect relationship with mum? No. Plain and simple I actually did the right thing. I stood up for myself, I knew certain behaviours werent appropriate and I didnt encourage them or allow anyone to think it was acceptable to treat me that way. Plain and simple there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the fact I am gay. There is nothing wrong with how I walk, how I dress, or how I do everything. Cos its kazz's way to do things. I am a strong woman, i am opinionated but i also know when to shut my mouth....I make absolutely no apologies for the person I am....I think i am pretty damn cool and anyone who doesnt think that needs out of my life. I have self worth and will continue to build this life I want, my goal still is to meet someone and have that great love of my life, to spend quality time with my friends and to not hide or feel shame for any part of my life. And to wear clothes i want! bahaha! If I look back on it...and this is the first time I have realised this..I am proud of how I dealt with lots of things in my past..and I will continue to be proud of how i do things....

This week i will weigh in....accept whatever weight it is....and move on....weight watchers is the program for me....and I cannot wait to slowly see my progress!

Saturday, February 07, 2015


So I have made a decision. I am still gonna do ww (i honestly feel its a very good and simple system) but I am not going to go to meetings for a few weeks. I fully intend to go back to them....but with this second recent gain i dont want the mental challenge of knowing i am having a negative weigh in.

Tomorrow morning i will weigh in....and will weigh in on sundays for a few weeks. I am 100% committed to this journey....but i want weight watchers to be a positive experience. So i will do it online....still track....the week after this next one i am back to the gym and i think this will make a huge difference. I need the gym...simple as that. Im honestly in a better mindset...I want this....and am determined...I guess tho I just gotta do things my own way. So the first goal is to get back to ww....i am guessing it will only be 2-3 weeks away......i just want to string a few losses together and feel i can do this and not go into meetings feeling like a "failure"

I will be back tomorrow afternoon with my weigh in results.

Friday, February 06, 2015

Blessed :)

So I got my cycle yesterday...i have had really bad cramps for a few days and todays i even considered not working cos they were so bad (but i did go to work) and my scales are up like 3.7 kilos! Argh! So annoying...I know its fluid and I know its part of PCOS but still frustrating.

This would normally be a case of bugger this and throwing the rest of the week in the bin but i have felt more on track today then any other day this week.

I think I often focus on the negative. The negative of having lost both parents, having no family close by etc etc. But i was thinking about it today and truthfully i am blessed. I am blessed to be in the financial situation to be able to invest in my health, blessed to have the time to focus on my health, i have some fabulous and supportive friends...and those "friends" who dont fall into that category i am blessed to be able to recognise it. Its all about perspective. So i am in a good happy place today :)

The weather is stinking hot...37 here today...39 tomorrow....i plan to stay indoors till i head out for dinner tomorrow night!

Off I go have a fab weekend all :)

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Thursday 5th February 2015

So i was gonna come post everyday and havent eh? (thanks for the reminder Jaxx!)

So how am I going? I am having some good days and some bad days....but the thing that is happening is I am figuring out somethings. Some of these things I have known a long, long time and even written about them on here....but I keep repeating some negative patterns.

So firstly I am realising I always do better when I am "enjoying" my food. While my losses may not have been big when I was regularly eating weight watcher meals for dinner....but i WAS losing. Im not a big meat lover. I eat very few meats...things most people love like bacon, ham etc. I would never eat a steak for I kinda for years while I was successful with my weight loss forced myself to eat chicken most nights. Now I do like chicken...just these days eating it everyday drives me a bit nuts. So the weight watcher meals I am going back to that.

There are key foods I just cannot have in the house....they are peanut butter (i can eat tahini instead), sliced cheese, ice cream treats (like ice cream cookies), no biscuits or chip like foods.

The other thing is for months now I have been going to work and then slothing around watching tv....this is peak time for me. I am perfect with my eating at work....cos I am busy....but once I am not busy when at home I think of food, food, food, food. I need to keep myself busy and a routine. So the GOOD news is....I have organised to rejoin Fernwood! It got sold last year and has new owners and I have spoken on the phone to one of the new owners....and swapped numerous emails about my rejoining. I quit last august because of a issue I had with a previous trainer....that person will no longer be working there after next week...and I will be rejoining on the 16th! I will also be doing one PT session a week at the gym (weights) and then of course continuing my one PT session with fiona on saturdays. So looking at the gym timetable (which I think will possibly change this month at some point) at least for the week starting 16/1 it will look like this:

monday: body pump +weight watchers
tuesday: cardio
thursday: pump + PT (weights)
friday:body pump
saturday:PT (running)
sunday: cardio/walking

Normally mondays will not be a gym day as I normally work then have weight watchers that night but the 16th I am off work. So will go in at lunch time. The plan will prolly change after a few weeks...not only cos their timetable may change but also cos this next few weeks i am finishing work at 3pm.....when i finish later it will be a lil different.

But I have 10 days or so till then .... so i need to start keeping myself occupied after tomorrow night i am going to do a 4.93km walk with a stop over at the footy oval to do 10 flights of the steps...well I was gonna do all I said tomorrow but just realised its gonna be 39 running up stairs ill come home from work eat dinner then after dinner will walk for 6km  but anyway so for the next 10 days:

friday: 6km walk
saturday: workout dvd
sunday: walk around the torrens (between 3.5km and 6km depending how far we walk)
monday: 6km walk
tuesday: level 1 30 day shred
wednesday:level 1 30 day shred
thursday:6km walk
friday:level 1 30 day shred
saturday: PT with fiona
sunday: Rest day

Its going to be between 34 and 39 next ive planned it to try and stay indoors the days its expected to hit 39.

This weekend saturday night i am going out with Martine for dinner...and sunday morning walking with Tania and then out to brunch.....should be a nice balance of keeping balance but still getting some rest time.

Sunday, February 01, 2015


So my disastrous ww week is now officially over! My ww leader/coach is a friend of mine and I told her with not attending last week Ive been so off track. But a new week starts tomorrow and even tho I will have a big gain I will weigh in and draw that line in the sand. My coach is also going to ask to see my tracker next week so I will have some extra accountability!

Its another 2 weeks till I can rejoin fernwood...i KNOW that will give me extra motivation...the gym always has...and I am desperate to get back to it, but I need to wait till one of their staff has left...I do think sometimes join another gym....but fernwood has a unique support system,,,,,which is why I am returning there.

I have decided there are certain foods if i want to be successful I need to keep out of the cheese (except feta), no white bread, no cheesticks, no bacon, no "packaged" freezer icecreams or confectionary. I need to start eating all the yummy fresh foods....just like I use too!

I just got up and threw out all the crap in the kitchen tidy bag full....there was one lean cuisine meal and one ww meal....i didnt throw them out...ill save them for a emergency night.

This aim is to average 10,000 steps a hopefully will hit 70,000 by next sunday night!

I am going to start also updating this blog everynight...and i will include the number on the scales each add that accountability.