I mentioned a few posts back that i have a calmness about me lately. And then this morning I was thinking about different facets of my life...work, friends, my eating, being back at fernwood and i thought to myself i feel happy...and i feel allowed to be happy.
Allowed to be happy? This relates to grieving...i have mentioned previously for a lot of the past 2.5 years i have been in denial about my mums passing. And when I say that I mean I have not had that moment when I crumpled down to the ground and sobbed my heart out. I am not someone who talks about this stuff....i see other people who lose loved ones and its all over facebook...its bought up constantly ..... but thats not me. So while I havent had that "broke down" moment....I have not been in denial about the actuality of it all. It is a very present thought of that phone call from my sister telling me mum had passed away, of walking up the street to mums house knowing she had passed away and seeing cop cars and ambulance...the knock of the door of the coroner turning up....of walking out of that house alone knowing i will never walk back in there with her there....those (and more) are ever present thoughts. Im a logical person and i relive those moments and am sure I will forever.
Thru this whole process i never thought i was denying myself being happy...mums funeral was held on the tuesday....i was back at work on the wednesday....i went about things trying to be all business and things were as they had always been. Cos thats me....that ms tough exterior logical.
Mums funeral was held 8 days after she passed away (delayed as it had to go thru the coroner and they were busy) and the weekend before the funeral....after a week of funeral planning...on the friday night we had dinner and then it was decided we would get on with normal life (as much as you can) the next day....i remember my sister, her hubby and kids and i went to the royal show. I remember one specific moment at the show i was standing there with my sister and neice....my nephews were on some ride and we were watching them. And my thought was this is wrong, how can we be doing something fun considering what has happened. I remember being consumed by the thoughts out of how out of place this was....that day i was very much stuck in my head. I think a huge part of this was not knowing what is expected....lets face it there is no set of guidelines over what to do and how to behave when someone passes. I think in that moment I got it in my head that "fun" was wrong...that yes i needed to go about life and earn a living....but my goals for this happy, healthy social life needed to take a backseat.....now was not the time for those. And I feel finally, finally i am giving my permission to live the happiest life i can, to go after my goals, and truly put mum at rest....as someone once told me ....the best way to honour her is to live your best and healthiest life....and this is true....but more importantly....i am now giving myself permission to do this for me.....not cos others expect me to do it, and not cos i feel obligated out of honouring anyones memory (even tho i do honour not just mum but my dad and lil sister) but im doing it purely and simple cos its what i want, its what i need, and i am 110% back in living my life, by my rules, in my way, for most importantly one person....me
RIP mum x