Sunday, February 08, 2015

Taking me back

This is a post which has prolly been coming on since the day I started this blog. Ive touched on these topics previously but decided for my moving its better I really put everything down in detail and move on.

We all have things happen in life...which are transforming....they shape our thoughts and then of course our actions.

I was always a healthy child. Never any weight issues, never any true issues, I mostly led a idyllic childhood. I took ballet classes, we never really wanted for much and our family life was happy.

In 1981 my dad got sick. He was diagnosed with mouth cancer. The day they realised he was sick, I left for school that morning and dad had plans to go to the dentist. He went to the dentist and the dentist looked in his mouth and said he couldnt touch his mouth and was sent directly to the hospital. Initially dad was in hospital (a army hospital) while the biopsy was done. Once the diagnosis was done he was transferred to Sydney hospital to have radiation treatment. We would visit the hospital on sundays. I remember being told everyone on the ward was "terminal" but not really understanding that. Dad was also on chemo at the time and his lil stand with the drip etc he had named "old shep" (after the song). I remember the drive in, and I remember being in the ward and I remember being more intrigued by the guy who had swollowed fishing hooks more so then what was really going on with dad - i just didnt understand the enormity of it all. After about 8 weeks dad was sent back to the originial hospital. This hospital was about a 30 minute drive from our house. My dad was in the army and the army supplied a car and driver to drive mum to the hospital twice a day. We use to go visit every evening and on the weekends twice a day. I found it a stressful situation, whilst I wanted to visit the hospital and see my dad it still frustrated me that I had to spend so much time in a hospital. This was when I first started to emotionally eat. I started to gain some weight but I was so skinny to begin with I was still well and truly slim and trim. I remember in those days at school eating a apple turnover for lunch AND a meat pie (go work out those calories! lol) My biggest memory of that period time is one saturday afternoon where we had to go to the hospital. Now remember I was at days involved school, homework, visit hospital (which involved one hour travelling there and back) then two hospital visits on saturday and sundays (so each day 2 hours stuck in a car). I remember this one saturday I just refused to go. We had a swingset out the back and just plain refused.  So mum went,....locked the door and I was stuck in our backyard for about 3 hours lol.

One of the saddest things about this period of time which truly breaks my heart happened about 3 weeks before dad died. Having had mouth cancer when the cancer spread it did also spread to his brain which obviously affected his thoughts. Anyway this one day a few weeks before he died...he was in hospital and I walked in wearing a white dress...he got so upset...yelling telling me to go away....saying he wanted the nurse away. Turned out he thought I was a nurse and I was coming to take him away, his mind was in such a state where he didnt realise he was actually in hospital. After that because Dad became so upset the doctor recommended I not visit again. That was a hard pill to swallow, even though I resented the hospital I now resented that I couldnt visit.

A few weeks later, my dad passed away. His family came down for the funeral. Dad has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. His mum also came down for the funeral. I dont remember a lot about the funeral. I remember I wore a blue dress, and I remember sitting in the chapel. I dont really remember anything from the rest of that day till later that night. I remember being in bed and i think I was reading. I was wearing my nightie. I dont remember him walking in (and I am not going to say who "he" is) I just remember him suddenly being in my bed and squeezing my breast and the next thing I looked up and (thankfully) my sister was at the bedroom door. I remember nothing else. The next day I told mum, she didnt believe me. I let the subject drop, but I knew it was true.

This event didnt make me gay. I knew I was gay from the time I was about 10 ;) I simply put it behind one wanted to believe me so why discuss it?

3 months later we moved to Adelaide. Mum had a friend here in Adelaide....she was going thru a separation and had a daughter and son and also a foster daughter. And it somehow got decided we would move in with them till mum bought a house. A few weeks after arriving mum met someone (who she eventually married) this led to me being unhappy for a number of years. At 17 before completing my schooling I had not only quit school but also moved out of home. At the time I just wanted peace. The person my mum married I would describe as "judgemental" he definitely believed a womans place is in the kitchen. I remember him calling me a "feminist" and that was in his eyes a negative thing, I remember him saying "you walk like you work as a wharfie" his comments did nothing to help my self worth in fact it damaged it. I guess I was seen as the black sheep of the family...he saw me as spoilt...and I think he didnt like that...this is a very skim the surface of that relationship....if i am going to be honest (and thats what this post is about) and this is what the final straw for me was.....he hit me once and bruised the back of my thighs. I remember once clothes shopping and him telling mum what clothes to buy me...hello....ill be wearing them? Its a big issue with me....its hard to have self worth when for years you are told you are not that good, you dont behave well, you dont walk right, you cannot pick out suitable clothes etc etc.

This led to my relationship with my mum my entire life being strained. She always sided with him and I guess I can understand that to a degree...she was sharing a house and life with would have added a layer of tension to her life if she backed me up. But in all honesty, I believe there were times she should have dealt with some uncomfortableness and backed me up. When I was most successful with my weight loss was when I made a conscious point to not make my relationship with my mum or him to be a very low priority. I put myself as my number one focus. I refused to allow myself to step into that situation. And it worked. I did awesome.

I seemed to have lost my desire for weight loss after mum passed away. I havent understood it. When mum passed away it was hard. Our relationship was far from perfect altho when she became sick i think things improved. Mums death was completely unexpected. I think there has prolly been a sense of guilt. Did i do the wrong thing? Did i not do everything i could to enable us to have a good relationship with mum? If i am truthfully honest it wasnt a situation I could improve. Sometimes we just have to do whats best for ourselves. Should I feel guilty/bad that it wasnt perfect? Or did it make me less because I didnt have a perfect relationship with mum? No. Plain and simple I actually did the right thing. I stood up for myself, I knew certain behaviours werent appropriate and I didnt encourage them or allow anyone to think it was acceptable to treat me that way. Plain and simple there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the fact I am gay. There is nothing wrong with how I walk, how I dress, or how I do everything. Cos its kazz's way to do things. I am a strong woman, i am opinionated but i also know when to shut my mouth....I make absolutely no apologies for the person I am....I think i am pretty damn cool and anyone who doesnt think that needs out of my life. I have self worth and will continue to build this life I want, my goal still is to meet someone and have that great love of my life, to spend quality time with my friends and to not hide or feel shame for any part of my life. And to wear clothes i want! bahaha! If I look back on it...and this is the first time I have realised this..I am proud of how I dealt with lots of things in my past..and I will continue to be proud of how i do things....

This week i will weigh in....accept whatever weight it is....and move on....weight watchers is the program for me....and I cannot wait to slowly see my progress!


Tania Driver said...

OMG! OMG! I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you! You've started "unravelling that thread" hun, keep going, you are an amazing, strong, inspirational person and I'm proud to call you a friend!

JustJo said...

Wow! I guess it just goes to show that no one ever knows what we have gone through/are going through! Well done to you for making the decision to talk about it - good stuff!

donna said...

Wow awesome of you for sharing that with us kazz and proud of you. Life is far too short to think what if I....... Just be you and be proud of what you have made of your life and continue on your journey your way ��