I have said it numerous times before (altho not recently) food is a addiction. I am addicted to food, no different to a alcoholic. When I was 173 kilos I was addicted and when I was 80 kilos I was still addicted (altho it was controlled)....pure and simply I will always be addicted.
And my thought process on this needs to change. I have been trying to remember my first memory of food. And for some people this may not surprise them LOL. My first memory is me in a car....no idea whose car...my dad was in the car and I have no idea who else (mum wasnt tho) and the car was full. And we were going to pick up some food. Bet you cannot guess where from?....mmmhmmm KFC it is literally my earliest memory. I know it was before we lived in Sydney so I was 7 or younger. I remember the smell and the big bucket of chicken and whilst I dont remember eating it....all I remember is us in the car park getting it. I was super excited.
Some of my memories of food are good and some are bad. I remember dinner times....and not in a good way! Dinner was always a challenge cos I hate vegetables. I dont like peas, carrots, brussel sprouts, pumpkin, cabbage, cauliflower....and that was pretty the vegetables mum cooked...boiled. I would sit there for hours at the table playing with my food. I spent so much time at the dinner table that when I struggled learning my times tables mum wrote them up on a piece of cardboard and stuck them on the back of the kitchen door so I could either eat or stare at the times tables (and I dont think its any huge surprise that im awesome at multiplying these days lol) I really tested my mums patience. I remember one night her telling me, since you cannot eat your dinner properly you can eat your dinner in the laundry with the cat LOL So I stayed in the laundry...there was a upright freezer I let my meal sit on and I played with the cat for half an hour....way better then sitting at the dining room table haha ;) That attempt by mum was a huge fail.
Sunday nights we had a routine. My sister and I were always called in from playing at 4pm. We had baths, hair was washed and dried and then we had a roast dinner. This was the worst night of the week cos there was always roast pumpkin. OMG the smell was attrocious. I remember at one point (and this went on for a few weeks) sunday arvos I would always start coughing (sniggers) i would have my bath...getting into my pjs and dressing gown...and for this terrible cough I would get tissues which i would stick in my pocket. At the table I would then lay out the tissues on my lap and whenever mum or dad werent looking I would take food place them in a tissue and roll the tissues up and place them in my pocket so I could throw them down the loo later LOL
For the not so great cooked vegetables mum was a fantastic cook of treat foods. We never had chips etc in the house (altho at times arnotts assorted family packs would make it in, dad loved scotch finger biscuits lol) there was always everything from devils foodcake, to melting moments to caramel slice to cupcakes....all homemade and all freaking delicious! On the fridge there were 2 orange tupperware containers....they sat on top of each other and this is where a lot of the treats were kept. Often after dinner i would sneak out of my bedroom or pretend to go to the toilet and would be up on tip toes trying to quietly open one of these containers to sneak a treat out. Prolly as many times as I managed to do it without mum knowing...I got caught as many times. Instead of being something accessible the treats became like gold, something I could never have enough off. And still today, i see these patterns. I hate dinner. Ive convinced myself I not only dislike vegetables but most meats. Truthfully i dont mind some vegetables, I dont mind mushrooms, capsicum, onion, tomatos, baby spinach. I use to love lamb cutlets as a kid but never have lamb now....never have pork....and have convinced myself i am bored of chicken. Getting my dinners down pat is something i need to work on. Meat and salad is prolly the initial focus.
I remember when at my biggest I hated eating in front of people. It was a shame, cos no matter what you ate it was wrong. If i ate bad foods I thought people would think "no wonder she is so fat" and if i ate good, healthy foods i thought people thought "who is she kidding we know she will go home and stuff her face"
When I was smaller i loved that i could eat out with no judgement. It was even like i was eating bad foods when out in a way to stick my finger at anyone judging me. I could do it. It didnt matter whether it was a apple or a fast food burger i could do it without any judgement. And yanno i wanted to be that person who believed food didnt control me. By the end i didnt want to miss out any more....I wanted to be normal and especially at work when they bought food around (which happens at times) i didnt want to be the odd one out who said no....i wanted to be normal....but by saying yes to all these food offerings that came around...i again don't feel normal...I lost that
It is time for me to control the food and not allow the food to control me.
What honestly works for me?
Keeping occupied - when I spend hours in front of the tv I am not occupied...I am bored cos I have nothing better to do and one of the biggest causes of my over eating is boredom. I have mentioned it before when I made healthy living my hobby I was successful. Tomorrow in the morning I am planning to do housework and in the afternoon I will duck into town I went to go and wander thru the bookstore and get some new books.
But its not just books, updating my blog with authentic posts regularly...not just posts of "i ate 1600 calories today" but more about how I am feeling and all I am doing. Where my head is at and being 100% accurate with my journey.
I remember years ago being told if you want to be fit and healthy you have to act fit and healthy. So even if you aren't running marathons you act as a fit person. What does that mean to me? Having water on me ALL the time,.....not just sitting at my desk during my breaks at work...having skin that glows...reading the latest runners magazine...saying no to crap food.....putting out positive vibes in life
Avoiding foods that I cannot resist. Yanno that saying "one is too many and 1000 is never enough"? There are some foods I just have to ban, its what I did when I lost the weight before:
*Absolutely no bakery foods....no pies, pastie, donuts, cakes etc in the house or when out
*No deep fried foods...no fried fish, no "crispy" anything in restuarants, not hot chips etc
*Minimal processed meats...preferably only turkey or chicken....no bacon, kabana, salami, metwurst etc
*No low fat products apart from skim milk and mayonnaise
*No cheese apart from feta in the house....I can have a cheese sandwich when out but none to be bought into the house
*No fruit toast, croissants, white bread
So what can I have then? There is actually a palethero of foods I can eat:
oats and protein powder
weetbix and chia seeds and honey
Multigrain sandwich with turkey or chicken, may and salad
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)
Rice/barley/quinoa with chicken, vegetables
Lamb, chicken, pork and salad/feta/avocado/semi dried tomatos or roasted vegetables
yiros (saturday night treat)
Eggs on toast
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)
Home made protein balls
Bounce protein balls (once a week)
bananas and tahini
home made muffins
skim hot chocolate
Another thing that I realise is a trigger is the cafe at work. Its on the floor I work on and its too tempting. I walk past it in the morning and can smell bacon, and i go in during the day and theres hot food, cakes, chocolate, etc etc so I am literally going to avoid it (they will think i have died or something haha!) I will enter the building a different way....I can avoid it if I make the effort....it will mean tho being very organised with my lunch and snacks and having no diet coke at work....just water...so nothing that cannot be done. Restricting my diet coke to just at home is a good idea too.
This may seem like rambling...it prolly is....but things feel clearer in my head. Im not positive on continuing weight watchers, i dont like the weekly points and I really want to get away from processed foods....I know you can do ww without them...but yanno you walk in a meeting and there they are (plus sometimes with those tech sections at the meeting it feels like a bit of a sales pitch) so I will see how I go this week.
Monday I rejoin the gym...I think that will help me pretending to act like a fit person even if i am not just yet! Have a good night all :)