Monday, June 16, 2008

Reclaiming my life

So...who am i? As most who read my journal or know a thinker...when i was with ang would drive her nuts and She often told me I overthink things. But today and the last few days i really been wondering about a few things. You see in some ways I am all these different people...with family im actually relatively mum remarried when i was in my teens and so that of course involves a step me theyre not "my family" to me always my family will be my mum, my dad and my 2 sisters. My memories of my childhood dont revolve around the family life once mum met her now hubby. They are all "sydney" where i lived from 7 till i was nearly 15. That is the true definition of family to me...of course now...i have a brother in law who completely is family and 2 adorable nephews and a gorgeous niece. I adore the 3 of them, its interesting tho...boys are so different to girls, the boys are not so wanting cuddles etc they are all into their dvds and computer games where as my niece LOVES attention. She loves cuddles, and sitting on your lap or next to you reading a book...she also loves telling you to be quiet if you dare talk while dora is on LOL. Anyway i got sidetracked...when my mum met my stepdad i was 15 had just started at a new school...and within a year or so met a great bunch of friends. I never really embraced family life with the stepfamily...cos for one i was 15 by then...getting independant...then i met this group of friends and they were like a second family. We were all quite drugs really (well the occassional person smoked marijuana but never me and i never viewed that as evil) about the most dangerous thing we ever did was go meet sailors down at port adelaide (and yes i did go down with them and even snagged myself a sailor one time but thats a story for another day LOL) so anyway cos of this i never knew the "stepfamily" really well so i am reserved in that sense. I hid that i was gay for so long that in some ways i was another person to them...and that still applies to a degree ... my mum doesnt like hearing about girls in some ways theres this huge segment of my life she knows nothing about. At work im another person...who am i? Prolly the place i am the truest...i have 2 great friends there....Joe and Ryan...(who i call josephine and deidre) they are both gay...and cos we are all gay we just have complete acceptance of each other. Our friends in the team all accept the fact were gay too ... my friend jamie (a female) will often say when a break is coming up "lesbian chat today?" so we head off outside and do a bit of girl talk...occassionally we drag one or two of the boys along. At work im sassy, smart mouth, sarcastic, happy, just a real happy say what i think person. I think sometimes they wish I just shut up at work...but its outlet specially as i live alone...i get there and sometimes its just blah blah blah. Then there is online...which there are various places i venture online...theres the ww forum...which i guess is a place where my vulnerabilities are profile shows my weight...theres been numerous posts over the years...about not losing...about airplane seats not fitting...about how miserable my life is as a "fat girl"...i know one or two people there but im not in the "clique" and thats fine...while ive met some great people there...its not really my thing...then there are 3 chat programs...firstly theres halsoft...which is where i play gammon...i have a group of friends on there whove always known im a lesbian...ive got a great friend kel there whose a aussie...who i call my lovah gurl...shes into graphics too and likes lame music like me and thats what our friendship is based on. Ive known her for years...and we might not talk for months then we do and its all back to how it was...halsoft to me is not a addiction...its fun...gammon keeps me away from the fridge...i get to dj thru there...all is pretty good. Then there is voodoo..."gawd at voodoo !!!" this place is a addiction and to be honest i dont really understand why...there are some people in there ive known for 8-10 dear friend (yes you jody i know ur reading this) who if the world of voodoo was cut off shes the only one i would NEED to keep in touch with...and well she barely chats...and most of our contact is via msn or via email. So i go in there...and chat in this room...well actually as has been mentioned to me several times this week...i dont chat so much...i seem to observe...its a strange room with a real motley lot...theres some real nice people in it...then there are some guys who like assertaining that they are females and refer to themselves as shemales...theres guys pretending to be bi/lesbian women...and occassionally theres someone why do i go there? in some ways i dont friggin know...i mean i live by its company...its in this program i met my big love (which ended rather dismally i must admit LOL)...a lot of the time my "avatar" is in the room but im in my browser...reading ww forums, doing graphics, reading or reading why go in there? I know part of it is cos i live alone and it is company...another part is when i do manage to get close to someone in there i enjoy the companionship and emotional closeness...but its like anything online it has that level of bitchiness and drama...what do I REALLY get out of it? I end up wasting a lot of time...getting the odd level of drama...occassionally a bit of ego boost when other chats might message me and say they like me etc...but it does nothing to REALLY enhance my real life. The other chat program is pink sofa...i wish i could integrate myself more in here...yanno ive met a couple of girls from there in real life...and those occassions didnt go great...while i have made some friends in not part of the clique...and maybe also the fact that its a lil more threatening n daunting...the girls im msot likely to meet are here in adelaide or neighbouring states...n i guess thats daunting and scary cos i always look at their profiles and think nuh theyre too skinny it wouldnt work out or theyre too pretty it wouldnt work...i really dont take any chances. My susscription for pink sofa is it expired actually ... part of me thinks...go buy a year subscription...and focus 110% for 12 months on getting the life i want...reclaiming it going back to ww tomorrow morning but its not just about weight loss...its about getting me back...sure i can be happy as a fat chick...but am i truly happy and am i reaching my full potential of happiness? If i compare being in a wonderful relationship with a woman...where life is good and i ahve a social life with dinner dates and movies etc or being fat, sluggish, too tired to do anything to productive...sticking stuck in a cyber world with my KFC deep down i know which will make me wont be the easier option but it is the option i need to dedicate myself too...i think i need to get rid of those chat programs...rejoin pink sofa...update my profile and go in the chat room and the social functions and get my eating and healthy lifestyle COMPLETELY on track...i know i can do it...and tomorrow is day 1 of reclaiming my life...


Shrinking Tardie said...

Two words.

Yay You!

Love Nat (who also doesn't consider herself a part of the WW clique)

Jody said...

Wow, I'm getting addicted to reading your blog! You're almost as exciting as Perez

Another deep soul searching post. You amaze me with how honest you are. Not only to yourself, but to the rest of the world that would read your blog. I now wish that you would open up to yourself. I know down deep your ready to commit yourself to doing things that will make you healthy, happy and confident enough to be that person you are in be that person in "real"

Commit to yourself to eat healthy, exercise...etc, but don't go overboard. Hell, chicka you're not out to run a marathon, a triathalon. Just take one day at a time. Just be that "Lil Engine that could" Chugga chugga choo choo!!

I wish there was a way you and I could do this all together, cus I know the two of us would have a blast and probably laugh our pounds off. Yes, I'm a "yank" I have no idea of grams etc.

Anyway, I'm now in sunny Florida, so maybe with time changes etc. we can finally catch up or something.

I love you, Karyn...and thanks for sharing "who you are"