Friday, May 30, 2008

So I was reading jaxxs journal today and she left quite a heartfelt post when reading it could see its a time which if i was in her shoes could make me to give up losing weight if i was doing well. So then i got thinking...why when id done so well for 6 months...did i falter and give up? Why after months of striving to lose weight...and being happy did i suddenly give it up? why did i falter? i mean i didnt falter for a week or two...its grown into 12 months of inconsistency and not following thru with the plan...ive constantly used joining the gym as thats where everything went pear shaped...but was it really that? Or something else...part of it i think...has to do with my self confidence. Yanno...if i cant meet a partner at size 26...well ok...that works....thats completely logical in my brain...i havent met a partner cos im fat...ok thats nice we can parcel that away in a lil box which makes sense. But what if i got down to size 16 and unable to meet a partner or worse a size 10 or 12...what does that say about me? Is it that im ugly? is it cos i got a suck ass personality? or is it just the luck of the draw? Ive made no secret that finding a partner was a huge motivational factor for me...im tired of living alone and being alone...while i dont need someone...it would make me so much happier to have someone to share it with...the more i think it...the more i thinkits easier to cope with not having a partner while fat...ive got the perfect excuse for being single. Does that make sense? I truly am babbling lol...and its a huge factor....that chick i saw last weekend at the dance that i thought was cute...if i was a size 16 i wouda approached her....but at this size i feel like if i do that th person would basically laugh in my face. Yanno then i think...but I snagged ang...so i must have something going for me right? or is that cos i got to know her online for so many years that i coulda looked like a witch by the time we met she woulda still loved me...then again i dated mel...and she liked me...and told me us not continuing was not cos of my size...and i remember her telling me i had a cute smile...but still...she wanted out...and i know its only one person....but sill makes me wonder i know...i realise tho getting back to weight loss...i cant not keep going...i need to...apart from the fact i need to too prolong my life...my chance at truly meeting someone will be impacted by my size and how i feel about myself. I just have to get this in my head..and understand that the more weight i lose...the more my chances of meeting someone will increase...altho its not a guarantee...

Got the party tomorrow nite...getting rather nervous...most dont know im gay and im dreading the "do you have a boyfriend kazz" questions...dont really wanna be telling people im gay while at my friends party. Okies enuff off for some dinner !

5 comments:

Shrinking Tardie said...

Hey mate,

I believe that we all wear a fat suit for a purpose...it's once we nail that purpose that we can embrace real, lasting changes. That was the final piece of my puzzle last year - the purpose.

Now it serves no purpose because I've addressed the issue.

So I get where you're coming from. The fat is just an excuse, like the gym, or not being able to get to meetings, or not having time to do this and that yada yada yada. NOT being judgemental, cause Lord knows I've done it in the past.

Once the reason becomes clear I think it becomes significantly easier to be accepting of ourselves as we are - and move forward.

But that's just my $2.00 worth!

Love Nat

PS - Enjoy the party.

Tania said...

Interesting theories Kazz! I agree that hiding behind the weight can be a very valid excuse for us for things that go wrong - we take away that excuse and what if suddenly there's another reason that we didn't want to face? I've been through that many times and it was a HUGE stumbling block first time round in my journey that made me struggle with the 20kg loss barrier!

I personally believe that the weight is an impact on finding a partner but not because of how you look. I think it has more to do with how it makes you feel about yourself and people pick up on that - i.e. if you're happy with your body, your life etc it shows and makes you the sort of person people want to be around - likewise if the opposite is true you put out more of a negative vibe!

I think you just have to keep doing what works - if you need a break, take a break, if you need to change things then that's exactly what you should do, but in the long run as long as you keep trying you'll get there eventually.

Jody said...

Hmmmm Ok what do I say here?? Do I go for my typical..."Let me pick on my buddy to get her to smile" Nahhhhhhhhh not today, I read your post today and if I could I wrap these ole arms around you and give you a big ole hug.

First off I want to thank you for being honest with all of us and sharing. That's hard to do, Karyn.

Second, I guess your attitude behind the moniter should transfer to your real life...cus I know you and the confidence you show me and "go to hell" attitude you have if someone doesn't like you would sure come in handy eh?? LOL Like I say your confidence online needs to transfer to your real persona.

Now third and most likely last. (for today at least) Is simply this. You and I have been online friends for going on 8yrs...wow!! I fell in love with you for many reasons, probably for many of the same reasons we remain friends to this day. You have a wonderful personality, you make me laugh. I totally love your attitude and your strengths and yes my dear you have MANY strengths!!! Those strengths have pulled me up many times.
Any lady that would open their eyes enough to see the beauty you hold outside AND inside is one hell of a lucky lady. Guess what I'm trying to tell you, you have it all, your are the real deal!!

I love you my dear Karyn, always have and always will.

Jody said...

Hmmmm Ok what do I say here?? Do I go for my typical..."Let me pick on my buddy to get her to smile" Nahhhhhhhhh not today, I read your post today and if I could I wrap these ole arms around you and give you a big ole hug.

First off I want to thank you for being honest with all of us and sharing. That's hard to do, Karyn.

Second, I guess your attitude behind the moniter should transfer to your real life...cus I know you and the confidence you show me and "go to hell" attitude you have if someone doesn't like you would sure come in handy eh?? LOL Like I say your confidence online needs to transfer to your real persona.

Now third and most likely last. (for today at least) Is simply this. You and I have been online friends for going on 8yrs...wow!! I fell in love with you for many reasons, probably for many of the same reasons we remain friends to this day. You have a wonderful personality, you make me laugh. I totally love your attitude and your strengths and yes my dear you have MANY strengths!!! Those strengths have pulled me up many times.
Any lady that would open their eyes enough to see the beauty you hold outside AND inside is one hell of a lucky lady. Guess what I'm trying to tell you, you have it all, your are the real deal!!

I love you my dear Karyn, always have and always will.

Jody said...

Oooops...guess I got happy with the send button..lol Sorry for the double posts.