Friday, June 20, 2008

So since my big longggggggggggggggg post a few days ago i been thinking. I kept wondering why i still go into voodoo and chat...partly i do it cos occassionally i enjoy it. Was in their lastnight but was quite good was talking to someone ive known for many years whose from South Africa and we were discussing lesbian movies/books...anywaysssssssssssssss so after i left that post....I was really wondering why i still go in there...sure a percentage of it comes down to purely it is a habit but why else? And the only thing i can come too is i do it in case Ang messages me....can you even believe that could be the case? I mean its 4 friggin years or whatever...but then the more i think about it the more it makes sense. See me and Ang were friends for like 6 years before we got truly was a great friendship...she had this great wisdom with people...i use to always tell her she was like a old soul in a young body...she had a real good understanding of how people think and so for that reason i often talked to her about problems or things going on...after we broke up a year or so later we lost the friendship and we have no contact at all anymore. I amde a few attempts but they were pretty futile...and so that does make me sad but maybe thats why i do it? Its not really the relationship i miss with her but the friendship. And I wonder if the impact with her rolls over to my life now...its very funny how my life is different post ang to pre ang...before Ang i had a numerous emotional relationships with people i met online...i enjoyed the company...the indepth chats we would have. Since then not only havent i got involved online (but that said its not only cos of this i want someone in real) but even when it comes to the fussiest bitch as well...i am attracted to butch friend felicity doesnt even contemplate introducing me to anyone unless they are butch...and then the girls over the last few years that have been potential in real...well 90% have been to short...or they been from the wrong socio economic group or ... or.... or.... so is that me not settling for the first person who comes along or is that me just coming up with excuses not to get involved...which of course gets rid of the risk of being hurt or rejection...or is it i want a ANG NUMBER 2? and if they dont remind me of her im not interested? The reason I posted this today...was it had been on my mind...then i read Jaxxs journal this morning and she made a post that is along the lines altho different...and that was about self esteem and so reading that made me realise we allcop this in some way (well single girls i guess lol) then again...theres the aspect...if i stay fat...have the perfect excuse for never having another someways i wonder if i just dunt want to severe those ties to ang even tho there are NO ties to her anymore...when i think back to the relationship i often think it was perfect....and in a lot of ways it was...especially when she was here...but the last few months it definitely wasnt...and there were quite obviously issues we both had...i need to let go...and if i meet someone or someone messages me in pink sofa actually give them a chance before deciding nope would never work. Beofre i decide theyre to slim, too pretty, too short, dont work enuff etc etc etc

Foodwise i been spot on...was exactly 27 points yesterday which was great. Ive really beeen finding it all fine. Im taking the view of avoiding rabbit food and eating foods i like but in a low fat way. Tonight I am going to make a low fat fried rice. Ive also bought lots of different low point snacks so i am getting plenty of variety which is good. Well okies nearly lunch time - time to go eat =]

1 comment:

Shrinking Tardie said...

Kazz - sounds like you've answered a bunch of your own questions in this post!

Good to hear the food is going good - don't think too much about the relationship bit - think about fixing you...and it will happen. You're gorgeous on the inside and the've just got to believe it.