Monday!

So today I woke and my calves and hips were tired...bless their cotton socks for what they did to carry this body up the hill yesterday! :) So I smsd tania and said no to walking today....then as the morning went on my calves started to feel tight...so I thought no to Body Pump LOL...but I did go to PT I wasnt COMPLETELY slack. Really I know its not being slack...but ensuring I dont injure myself or burn out. So i went to the gym...10 minutes on the bike and then I did my PT session...which we did 4 rounds off....first round was 21 reps...second round 18 reps....third round was 15 reps and fourth round was 12 reps. And there was 5 different exercises....pushups, tricep dips, punching jabs with dumbbells,lat pull down, bicep curls and then 1 minute on the rower. I was sweating like it was nobodys business! The fastest time I did the row in was 210 metres in 1 minute :)

Then got home and tania messaged me to see if I wanted to go to savers (a humungous second hand store) which of course I said yes too...and came home with 9 items of clothing from...go me!

Yanno one of the things that bug me with eating well/dieting......is if I eat anything thats high in sodium my weight fluctuates....so no only do I watch calories, how much protein and carbs, how processed something is i ALSO watch sodium. There are a lot of foods I just dont have because of sodium...some prime examples are taco seasoning and soup. Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I have been watching fitness channels lately on you tube and NONE of them seem to watch their sodium....and some of them eat ridiculously large amounts of sodium....then today....one said something that kinda clicked with me....and the comment was "i dont pay attention to sodium because i drink enough water"

Now I suck at drinking water (like a lot of us)....so I am gonna head to the store when i wake tomorrow and buy some large bottles of water and try and drink 3 litres. I wont do it tho on weigh in day cos i weigh in at the gym in the evening and I want to keep that consistent...havent drunk much water previously so I still wont on those days. So yes...no need to post drink your water kazz it will help the sodium/water retention...I know this :)

Tomorrow the plan is to get to froot with tania to our favourite lil cafe and then we will do a walk....but as we are doing pump on wednesday and the hallett cove boardwalk on thursday....we are planning just a small 5km walk....a nice FLAT one hahah to rest our muscles but get out and get moving :)

Enjoy your week all!

Climbing just a lil hill

Tania and I today went walking up Wynn Vale Road. Its a hill, but a gradual hill for approx 2.5km...I didnt think it would be too bad lol...I was WRONG! We last to the 1.5km mark and then had to walk back. It was hard work! I mean I felt like I am kinda fit walking up it but it was certainly a workout and a short but good one. It took us from memory to walk up it and back 41 minutes. And I burnt 320 calories. So I am sitting at 1400 calories burnt for the week :)

Sadly tho the scales have gone up gradually over the last few days! I have not been off track with my eating so I know I havent gained "fat" I did have bacon and eggs for breakfast yesterday morning then I made a crustless quiche with bacon in it....so it may be partly sodium. I must admit it is a lil disappointing, my losses havent been big and I am okay with that I know I am doing it a healthy, sustainable way but I wish I did see more results. But I know the answer is I am feeling better mentally and physically...slowly clothes are fitting me better...so it really is a case of suck it up princess and get on with ur chit! LOL

Tomorrow Tania is coming over and then we are doing a easy walk into Nth Adelaide and back again...its flat...its easy...45 minutes and we should be done. Then at lunch time I will go into the gym for my BIG workout....45 minutes pump, 45 minutes body balance and PT session with Stacey :)

Not a heck of a lot else going on!

Saturday and this weeks workout plan :)

So this morning I went walking with Tania down Semaphore Beach. We walked 8.5km, had a yummy breakfast of bacon, toast and scrambled eggs, before I came home and collapsed! lol I am hoping to break 15,000 steps for the day...the goal was 20,000 but I was kinda slack LOL.

Tania and I did discuss our workouts this week and this is what we decided on:

sunday: Walk up wynn vale drive...its a very steep hill apparantly LOL
Monday: In the morning we are going to walk for about a hour. Then I will be doing 45 mins body pump + 45 minutes body balance + 30 minutes PT session...this will surely test me! LOL
tuesday: Early morning walk (i think) and 30 minute group PT session at lunchtime
wednesday: body pump + PT
thursday: Hallett Cover boardwalk
friday: work out for about a hour at the gym (thinking upper body to give our legs a recovery day)
Saturday: Snake pit
Sunday : Morialta falls

Mostly we are doing walking. so the workout we do friday will be a upper body one to give our legs a recovery day.

I am thinking it may be time to focus more on my macros. I have been sticking to my calories religiously,,,,,macros not so much! When I was smaller and ate 1800 calories...I had a fat and protein macro to meet as a minimum. So I had to at least eat this....70 grams of fat and 130 grams of protein....the remainder is carbs.....but wants suppose to go over 158 grams of carbs...which all feels reasonable and do able...without any crazy stuff! I just looked at my eating for today...Im not too far off it actually....so just some minor adjustments.

Tonight I made a crustless quiche....so good! I saw someone make it on one of the fitness channels on you tube....loved it....its got bacon so a lil high in sodium....but its a pretty high protein for the calories.

As of this morning I was up 400 grams up from wednesday mornings weigh in....so may struggle for a loss this week! :( Fingers crossed...will keep doing what I am doing and hopefully I wont be too disappointed - enjoy your weekend all!

Slowly overcoming the food addiction :)

So awhile ago....like maybe january, I bought some skinny cow ice cream cookies. I bought them home, opened the box,....a hour later they were ALL gone. I came to the conclusion I just couldn't have them in the house. And it wasn't just them...it was cheese....chocolate...anyway Ive had cheese in the house for a few weeks and it hasnt bothered me. So a few weeks ago i bought some peanut butter icecream....it is still unopen in the freezer. Anyway last night I thought....lets see how I go with skinny cow ice cream in the house again. Bought a pack of the vanilla ones...opened it....had one....the rest are still in the fridge :) Today I bought another box of them lol caramel ones....and then I also bought a bag of caramello bears....had one caramello bear...the rest are in the fridge ;)

I really feel I am starting to get the food addiction under control. I wouldnt be worried too much about any food in the house being a temptation these days. I remember reading many times in Sean Andersons blog (check daily diary of a winning loser on the list on the right) about how he had a calorie budget and once it is gone its gone.

And thats how I am feeling more and more. It doesnt matter whats in the fridge....cos the scales going down is way more important then any food.

Tomorrow Tania and I are going walking....planning to walk 4km....stop for brunch then walk another 4km...so all up 8km :)

As I am off from work for a week we are planning a big exercise week! We are planning it tomorrow so I will update you all on it later.

Its been a good, happy, laugh filled day....enjoy your weekend all :)

Getting that desire back and being genuinely happy

Funny thing happened....I am getting my desire to write back :) I am finding in my days lots of thoughts are popping into my head, things I recognise as things I should focus or on "a-ha" things and I keep thinking I must write that down....and yanno I tried the you tube thing but honestly I am a much better writer ;)

So yes, I have that desire back and am going to write more regularly....not necessarily everyday but definitely more frequently.

So I weighed in yesterday. Not sure if I have explained this before...I weigh in at home in the morning and thats the weight i "log", simply cos i have minimum clothing on, on a empty stomach and just been to the toilet. Then on wednesday evenings I have a food coaching session where I discuss my week etc, I then weigh in so log that number at Fernwood and also see my body fat percent. So yesterday morning i weighed in and lost 400 grams taking me down to 120.9 kilos (those "teens" are getting closer) and also lost 400 grams on Laurens (my food coaches) scales...so yay for consistency :)

Today I have been off work sick, stuck in bed. And while I havent felt great I have felt happy (let me explain this contradiction!) Yes my head hurt. But what I have noticed more over the last few weeks is I feel happy on the inside. By that I mean genuinely happy. I mean I have felt "happy" plenty of times before...You put on a smile for everyone and you tell yourself you live a good life and there is not much you can complain about....but you are not genuinely happy. You know right at that moment you may not be grieving a loved one, dealing with a sick child, have employment insecurity or anything like that so you SHOULD be happy. Society and the media etc tells us we should be happy...but we have to convince ourselves. This is NOTHING like that. I don't have to convince myself. And there is a lightness internally...it is like a lot of heavy weight (not in the physical sense but emotional sense) I was harboring and carrying around with me. And I genuinely can feel happy and smile, and truly smile not be fake.

What is it that makes me so happy? My gawd that is hard to say. I think sometimes things come down to timing. I felt in myself it was time to move on from mums passing. I mean it was 2.5 years ago and I just remember one day thinking how she wouldnt want this. I remember when mum died and I weighed about 85 kilos at the time. And a day or two later my sister and I were in the car driving and my sister told me how mum had worried about my weight and how it was good that before she died she saw me at a healthy weight living a healthy life, then my sister turned around and said "you gain the weight back she will kill you" it was a light hearted moment,,,,,at a very bizarre time in our lives. Of course I then proceeded to put on over 40 kilos over the next 2.5 years. But a few months ago I kinda just woke up, and just realised I dont want this to consume me for the rest of my life. I know how to do this, I want to lose the weight, get healthy, build some nice good muscle, get back to running (not this year....maybe next year) and live that healthy life I had embraced. I wanted to take control back instead of being sad for myself for sadness that had occurred which is unfortunately part of life.

Now I feel in control. I have mentioned my support systems previously and I honestly think I got very lucky....and timing just worked really well. I love how I feel at the moment. Sure I am not 79 kilos yet but yanno what???? I am also not 127.1 kilos! I am feeling a lil better about myself each day, losing the anxiety that is known as the gym LOL....I am feeling like I deserve to be there...like its a place I belong.

I am very focused on my short term goal of 117 kilos by June 20 and still VERY focused on being under 100 kilos by my birthday....I truly believe I can do that or get very close that that.

Weigh in and a recap of the week :)

A week with no posts.....what a slackass! ;)

Things are going great. I am trying now to remember what has happened this week. I didnt do PT monday night and Stacey couldnt do it wednesday night so ended up doing a double PT session on tuesday night. It was a challenging session! It was a 50 session, so basically she had a whole list of exercises that I had to do 50 reps of....as well as that i had to do 500 metres on cross trainer, bike, rower and treadmill. And then at the end of it I had to climb up all 7 flights of stairs :)

After initially buying a heart rate monitor that had a internal wiring issue...I got a new one wednesday night. Its a Suunto 5....i love it :) Does exactly what i want and need...counts calories and thats it  lol.

Wednesday was a exciting day cos I also got my new iphone! Upgraded to a iphone 6....super happy with it :)

Wednesday was also weigh in day. By my scales at home I had dropped 600 grams (I take this as my official weigh in result) and on Laurens scales I had dropped 400 grams and 1% body fat. Then we discussed how its time now to increase my exercise. Lauren said....I will add it into mine and Staceys diary and if you are not here by 5.15pm each night we will call you LOL....now they prolly wont as they are very busy....but just having that threat there has helped....thursday night I went and did body pump and a 5km cycle and then friday i went in and did a 10km cycle and 10 minutes on the cross trainer. (Unfortunately i did twinge something in my lower back on thursday night in pump....so I am being a bit careful with that...I can still do most things....just need to be careful with squats and no crunches for a bit) The other thing...and for this I am a super lucky gal :) Lauren as a gift to me has added functional fit to my contract at no cost. Functional fit is group PT. So she told me we really want you to succeed and you are one of our top level clients so its a gift from us :) So next week when off work i will go and do a lunch time session of that. I really am at a very supportive gym and think I have completely lucked out with my trainer and food coach :)

Thursday and friday nothing much happened...gymmed it both days...so good accomplishing days. And this weekend I have given my back a rest. Tomorrow back to the gym for PT i have already messaged Stacey to let her know about my back.

The scales again this week are moving in the right direction, but I am cautious how this week will go as I have thrown myself into the gym it can sometimes take a bit for the body to settle into that.

Also the other good news is I have been on track for 5 weeks yesterday! Woo hoo I truly feel back now. This is the best and longest I have done on track for a few years....happy happy gal :)

Late Weigh in result :)

I really am due to post!

Things are going good. I havent even told you all last weeks weigh in results :) It was good!

As most who read this know I have PCOS and last week I had my cycle...I can normally gain up to 3 kilos the week of my cycle. Weigh in day was on day 2 of my cycle and I actually LOST. Which was huge to me cos its rare...I was kinda dreading getting on the scales wednesday morning LOL. But I did manage a 300 gram loss which put me at 121.9 kilos.

I was still sitting at eating 1900 calories. My food coach is very happy with how things are going, as am I, but I do feel my cals are still too high, but the concern is just dropping them quickly may lead to me relapsing. So we are being very sensible about it all :) She said to give it a couple of days and see what happens if no real movement then drop to 1800 calories. So I dropped down yesterday so we will see what happens. If there is no real movement on the scales that is not the end of the world but will prolly stay at this calorie level for a couple of weeks before lowering any further.

My PT sessions are going good. They have some weight training too them....mostly body weight stuff but some stuff with dumbbells/medicine balls etc but mostly cardio base...but I think thats what I need at this stage so that is good. This week one session was Tabata and one session was a circuit and none of the cardio has involved the treadmill so more then happy with that LOL. We did a lil stair climbing too! And we all know I like my stairs....I might actually start going back to the footy club and climbling the stadium stairs on the weekends like i use too.

Head space wise I feel in a very good place....and even though at this stage I havent lost weight at a super fast pace I am cool with that. I have done this before...I know getting the healthy habits in place is the first step...the losses will come with time....and it is not so much about how much I weigh today....its about how much I weigh and my body shape/ability to do stuff in 18 months that will be important. That said tho...since I got back on track....and its now been 4 weeks I have not had one gain...I had one week I stayed the same...and the rest of the week I have had losses...which just indicates I am being consistent.

I pulled out some of my favourite tops (mostly Lorna Jane and Running Bare) and have put them aside....they are in various sizes...so I have 10 "goal tops" to shrink into ;)

The first one is a tank top...it fits at the moment but its too tight....hopefully before long I will be able to wear it when working out (sooooooo long since I have worn a tank top!)

I also noticed I dont have many LJ clothes in size large or extra large.....so I think I will have to remedy that! haha....will have to go look at their website and pick out a few things to shrink into!

Tomorrow will be a challenging day...we have a work function at the festival centre with food and drink included. I am there from 9.30am till 1pm....so right over lunch time...I will no doubt eat something there...but not being able to plan for it is not so fun! But I will just having breakfast before hand....and try to make some good choices!

Not much else going on...so now its time to visit Lorna Janes site ;)

Calorie Cycling

So I talked about lowering calories and calorie cycling on my last post. I decided to wait till wednesday before doing anything. My scales have since stayed the same...and got to look at the good side of things...eating 1900 calories and I am not gaining and that is a lot of food. But yesterday decided it is time for the calorie cycling to recommence. Ive talked about calorie cycling for years, it walked brilliantly when I lost weight before, over the last few years I have tried many times but had been so off track calorie cycling had no chance LOL. But now I have been on track for 3.5 weeks...I think its time. So my calories over the week will look like this:

monday: 1700
tuesday: 1500
wednesday: 1400
thursday: 1700
friday: 1300
saturday: 1900
sunday: 1400

Its significantly lower cals then i am currently eating...it averages out to 1557 cals a day. But when I went back and looked at cals I was eating last time at this weight...I was doing 1600 cals and exercising a LOT .... i am only doing 3 exercise sessions a week at the moment (2 PT sessions and 1 walk on the weekends)

The exercise deal does need tackling but I am so slack with it...Im not quite in the exercise groove. My gym does offer function fit training which is basically group PT sessions...for $20 a week (I think thats the price) I have considered doing the for accountability...but would worry it would be beyond me just yet.

I am not overly concerned because last time I lost weight I eventually caught the exercise bug...wish I could catch it again!!!

Not much else going on - have a good day all :)

Goals and stuff

So I have had a great weekend :) Went out for dinner last night....below is pics of what I ate....entree was 6 mini dim sims and then main was barramundi with bok choy and snow peas. And yes I ate all the vegies! ;)

This morning we went down Semaphore Beach and did a 7km walk before going out for breakfast.

My friend Tanias birthday is in June and she is planning a night out towards the end of June so I have set the goal to get down to 117 kilos by then, and then hopefully 112 kilos by end of august. We are also doing a 30 day squat challenge. We are on day 3 of it....today was 60 squats...they are all done and dusted! This week we have also agreed to drink 1 litre of water per day....so I am determined to do that. :)

Work tomorrow and PT tomorrow night. Have a good week all :)

Late weigh in results

So I weighed in on wednesday and lost 1.5 kilos. Since then the scales have fluctuated up by a kilo. But that is far from stopping me :) I have decided to drop my calories to 1600 calories. This may be too low but I will see how I go....if I find it too low I will add a extra 100 calories....so this week is a trial week!

The funny thing is I have been tracking my food....filling out my main meals and snacks and realising i have 300 cals left over and needing to find foods to eat....not cos I am hungry or need the food...just cos thats the number i had aimed for and its for this reason I think I will be fine on 1500-1600 calories.

I am finding more and more food is featuring less in my days. Its not what I am incessently thinking about. Normally when I go out for dinner....I plan for a entree, a main and a hot chocolate after. Tonight I am going out for dinner and I will have just the main meal....I dont feel the need for a huge meal. My exercise still isnt perfect but im improving :) Ive done two PT sessions with Stacey this week and am finding her a great trainer. We did boxing both sessions this week, and as we know ive always loved boxing so thats been great. I feel I have the right support systems at the gym in place now which is good. The next step is to start doing some classes! I am still walking with Tania each weekend. She is a great support and I know I am for her too so the walks work out great :) Tomorrow we are doing another walk!

I feel incredible :)

The title is a big statement - but soooooooooo true!!

I feel fantastic at the moment. I am eating my 1900 calories....my scales are moving nicely and I fitted in some yummy things like a fingerbun, bacon and eggs and toast, 3 serves of bread this week and still the scales are moving :) (they were my treats over a week not all in one day lol)

Ive mentioned how I go walking with my friend Tania on weekends. Tania and I are turning out to be such a good support to each other, we are similar weights altho Tania is nearing 20 kilos lost, our walks tend to be photo opportunities, talks about nutrition, mindset and exercise....some crazy ridiculous silly moments and then you add some exercise in the fresh air too it....what could be better????

I had my first PT session with Stacey tonight and I finally feel like I have all the support in place to be successful. I have my food coaching with Lauren and I love her sessions...Stacey was telling me tonight that Lauren has had a lot of success with past clients. The session with Stacey went really well....we did boxing....she asked me if I do the boxing classes I was like I dont think im fit enough at the moment...she was like you look like you are doing pretty good lol. There is a 45 minute boxing class on friday evening so I might give it a try....Ill just go at my own place. I also have a few PT sessions owing so she is going to look at me doing some double PT sessions. The session went great tho and I really feel like i have the right fit....finally :)

As to me feeling incredible? Its so true....its not just cos the scales are moving....I feel like I am in a good routine...ive not binged for 17 days... my eating has been really good and now I am starting to get into the gym. Tomorrow I am going to the gym....will do 20 minutes on the cross trainer and 20 minutes on the treadmill...nothing crazy....just getting my routine going :)

Sunday April 26

The whole concept of "spend your time with people who build you up, not drag you down" has been coming up for me lately. Its something I truly believe in. I see it for example on my journal a bit. When I initially created this blog in April 2006 I created it for myself...no one else. I expected a few friends would prolly read it but thats it....miraculously I built up quite a following. My journey (especially previously not so much now) became very public...with that comes peoples opinions. As much as I get some fantastic, positive support from this journal - I have also had over the years some judgemental, questioning comments. I realise people may not think I do it the "corrrect way" (in other words THEIR way). I am more then educated on nutrition so will completely do this MY way. Recently something came up with a friend of mine and she felt the need to explain her actions to someone....I saw this and my first thought to her was "you owe no one a explaination" you can do whatever you please. I am now going to apply that thinking to my journal. So if someone leaves a judgemental, questioning comment about MY journey - I wont be replying. I may delete the comment then again I may not. I am not just applying this thinking to my journal but every aspect to my life...and in all honesty its generally how I work anyway I am pretty strong minded. I spent years trying to please my mum, but trying to please ANYONE but myself are days of the past.

In relation to my journey, things are going well :) I started my journey eating 2000 calories. The reason for this was to find the range where I can eat the most food whilst still losing weight. Last week I maintained. As of friday I dropped my calories to 1900 calories...I will give this 7-10 days before deciding if I need to go down to 1800 calories. I am so on track at the moment that I am not overly concerned by the scales...I know they will move with time and this is the smartest, healthiest way for me to do this.

I feel very in the zone and this will only improve with time. Tomorrow I do my first PT session with Stacey, which I am looking forward too. Yesterday I did a 6km walk with Tania and this morning a 2.4km walk (just a baby walk as it then started to rain! :( ) My aim for this week is to stick to 1900 calories, watching my sodium and increasing my exercise....my aim is 4 sessions between now and next saturday night....so I have 2 PT sessions planned and will need to attend the gym two other days (maybe tuesday and thursday and have friday as a rest day)

Hopefully the scales will start moving soon....regardless I am so happy that I am now on to day 16 of no binging and eating for 80% of the time...really nutrient dense foods :)

Tuesday April 21

After sundays post I really started to think about the situation with the trainer. As someone said to me "you know if its the right trainer after the first session", so I ended up emailing one of the owners at the gym and said I didnt think it was the right fit and even that I thought to maybe leave PT for the moment. She replied back saying she didnt want me to give up PT and that the co-owner is actually a trainer and that they would like me to try a session with her. So I have spoken to her, and advised what my goals are what my injuries are. So I have booked in with her for monday and wednesday nights starting next week :)

After I finished work on Sunday me and my friend Tania headed down to Semaphore Beach and did a 10.75km walk. It was very kewl and then followed it up with dinner with Tania :)

My eating is going good...altho I overate on bacon and cheese on saturday night....oops! That lead to a 3 kilo gain over night (obviously sodium)....since then the scales have only dropped back a kilos...so I was still up by about 800 grams this morning from last weeks weigh in, my sodium levels today have been very low (which is normal for me) so i hope there is a significant drop overnight...will be interesting...cos even if I dont lose in weight on the scales...I have a funny feeling the body fat will drop.

Im also about to start taking some supplements that fernwood sells....heres a link on them : Fernwood Goddess Range so will get them hopefully thursday night.

Okies not much else going on...weigh in tomorrow...thats it :)

Sunday April 19

Today I am doing overtime...in fact I am a hour into the overtime...not too busy so far!

Last night I lazed around watching season 1 of melrose place (the original series) I watched the first 4 episodes and then skipped ahead to episode 15 when Jo joined the show...she was/is a hottie so was keen to get up to there lol.

So I am working till 3.30pm today. Then Tania is picking me up and we are going down to Semaphore to go walking and to have some dinner. I bought a vivofit the other day, cannot remember if I mentioned that on here or not (I went away from fitbit because I wanted one I can wear on my wrist and I dont like the clasp on fitbit and plus when I get back into running I wanna buy a Garmin running HRM so this made sense)

So the step goal on the vivofit for today (it varies depending on past usage) is 6419 steps, which I should easily hit...I am sitting at 916 steps at the moment...but am planning to go out walking in my first break.

The more I think about it the more I want my focus to be on cardio. So that is a aim this week to really focus on that and get that up with a mix of walking, stairs and cross trainer.

I think I also mentioned previously that I started with a new trainer as my old trainer left the gym. She is a nice girl, but as of yet I am not quite convinced yet it will work. I will give it a month or so and if I dont feel its the right fit I will let them know. Its hard to tell from one session if it will work or not and whether you will "click" with them. I have been thinking if it doesnt work out maybe I will cancel the PT and just stick to gym classes, cos lets face it the key at the moment for me is cardio. Part of the issue will be what timing she has available as well...this week she could do 7pm on tuesday or 6.30pm on monday....I opted for monday as since I am finishing work at 3.30pm I dont really wanna hang around the gym till 7pm....but monday is a good night for doing classes at the gym (they have body balance and boxing on mondays) so a better option is to do classes on a monday. But Ill see how this all pans out. Its a lot of money to spend ($76 a week) if the times dont work great. Id ultimately prefer to get into the gym do my cardio or a class and then head home at a decent hour, especially in winter. I dont want to look like I am all over the place to the gym tho, cos I will admit part of me is just tempted to cancel PT...but I need to give it a true go.

Not a lot else going on...looks like a nice day outside! Enjoy your sunday all :)

Saturday April 18

Well its the weekend! YAY :) But actually I am working tomorrow lol...they were offering overtime so I took up the opportunity. So working 7.30am-3.30pm and we get a quarterly bonus this week so will be a nice pay packet (which is good as I need a new winter jacket!)

I took a progress photo today. First time I have done that for a long, long time. (Funnily I didnt take pics as I was gaining weight lol) So here it is with my original before pic...so as of this morning I am 122.6 kilos which puts me at a total loss of 50.5 kilos since the original start of this journey...and leaves me 42.6 kilos to lose to get to my total goal! But to be honest...total loss is currently is 50.5 kilos....my current focus is simply to get to 55 kilos lost....so 4.5 kilos to go....so current goal is simply 118.1 kilos :)

Progress Photo - April 18 2015

I woke up VERY sore this morning....thursday nights PT session is catching up with me! lol...I mean...so sore....getting out of bed was a struggle...lol....so no exercise for me today....tomorrow I am going walking with Tania. Which brings me to what I want to focus on....and that is CARDIO. Ill be doing weights in my PT sessions....and one or two body pump classes a week...ill hopefully do at least one body balance class a week (two on good weeks) but rest of the time I want to focus on cardio. And even tho I wanna focus on cardio I am dreading it lol. At my weight...and with having lost so much fitness cardio is a struggle. Starting monday I will do one lot of the 7 flights of stairs at the gym....I mean initially it doesnt matter how many times i try or stop for a rest...as long as I am doing....Ill also then do 20 minutes on the cross trainer (I did manage 20 minutes thursday night so its just to slowly increase the level I am on) and also 20 minutes incline walking in the treadmill ... I will leave that at 7% incline but slowly work on increasing the speed. Hopefully after a few weeks my fitness has improved enough that I can start to look at doing boxing (the gym has classes for this monday and friday evenings and its something I have always enjoyed) So my aim for this week is:

sunday : walking with tania

monday : my cardio workout plus a PT session

tuesday : RPM

wednesday : my cardio workout plus a food coaching session

thursday : PT session plus 20 minutes cross trainer

friday : 

saturday : gym closed

sunday : my cardio workout

Tonight I am making my low fat version of pasta carbonara....so looking forward to it!! yum yum!

Enjoy your saturday night

BTW a vlog on foods I like eating coming up on my you tube this evening Kazzs You Tube Channel

Time for a update, eh?

Well definitely time for a update :)

I got back on track last saturday and ive been doing awesomeeeeeeeeeeeee! Its funny how its just kinda all clicked all of a sudden.

Last saturday morning i was 127.1 kilos and 51.7% fat. On wednesday morning I was 123.7 kilos and this morning was actually 122.9 kilos wooo hoooo!! Ive been eating 2000 calories a day...but i am eating very clean....and i think thats whats allowing me to eat so much but still lose...ill give some examples of what i am eating (and may do a vlog on this at some stage)

So breakfast has been the same day in and day out but I love it....I soak some oats in hot water...then add peanut butter, banana and sultanas....so yummy....I swear its the highlight of my day.

Lunch has been mostly roast chicken breast and quinoa and brown rice mix....and i add either sultanas or pineapple to it (I have eaten NO bread since i got back on track)
Some days if I am at home for lunch i make a "breakfast pizza"....so i throw a soft wrap in the oven to crisp it...then i cook bacon, spring onion, mushrooms....then mix 100 grams of egg whites and 2 whole eggs add that to the bacon mix and cook it....then i did the cripy wrap....throw the eggs/bacon mix on top then add 25 grams of low fat cheese...so yummy!

Dinner...i either make a smoothie (greek yoghurt, almond milk, frozen banana, PB2chocolate, chocolate protein powder) or more chicken and rice (lol)....or make a home made kebab...take a wrap which i hear in a pan...then add home made tzatiki, roasted chicken breast (which i put a lemon thyme seasoning on it) and salad....super yummy and clean....low in sodium

My snacks are things like quest bars, greek yoghurt with flavoured protein powder added to it, occassional freddo frog, 1 date and 3 walnut pieces, smoothie, protein icecream (whey whip)

The only thing i eat on occassion that is high sodium is the bacon....

I buy egg whites in a container (coles sell them in the fridge near the processed meats)...ive been using the plain one but today picked up one that has spinach and feta added to it....i might try a omlette of that on a wrap tomorrow.

I am also back at the gym...doing food coaching and did my first PT session with my new trainer last night (the previous trainer has left the gym)...i didnt go tonight altho tomorrow i will....my aim is to go the 2 days i do PT, 1 day i do food coaching and saturday mornings.....thats 4 days a week which for the moment i think is fine. This sunday tho i am working and after work i am going walking with tania.

I did do a vlog the other day too...ive linked it here....lemme know what you think....if you want to see more...no you dont wanna see more..what topics or type of vlogs you would like to see...

Finding the passion

When I was successful with my weight loss all those years ago, one of the key things with why I was successful was it wasnt just a "diet"....it was my hobby, my passion. When big things in my life happened (dealing with a death in my family) I lost that....I lost my way...and was simply trying to get thru my day without awful visions my mind came up with of last moments, I lost it and I dont think for a long time it even occurred to me I lost it. For many months now I have been aware of this and I have wondered "how do I get that back?"

Going back a few weeks ago....I was in a rut...I really wasnt in the zone....I was going thru the steps cos I felt thats what everyone else expected. I knew I wasnt going to be successful with this mindset...so I emailed the gym said can you put my membership on hold....they emailed me back and asked if everything was okay....my response was:

"....my headspace in relation to exercise and eating well etc....I dont seem to have the right head space (which is partly why I signed up for food coaching)....I have a few good days then a few bad days so I am hoping a week or so of not focusing on it I might get the drive back :)"

At first I did nothing...I ate bad....was completely lazy....spent lots of time watching netflix. Slowly I was starting to get the drive back...over the weekend I thought...I might go on you tube and see if i can find any decent weight loss docs. Initially I found one documentary on this woman who went from being pregnant to a fitness model....a good 1 hour documentary....which I realised was used to try and sell her "plan". A day or later I did a search on you tube again searching "weight loss transformations" I found a couple of good ones...then I found one called obesetobeast...man...i was addicted! I watched this channel for hours! I came home from work today....watched more of his channel...then thru a link on his channel found another one called "Fit men cook" omg more addicted! And I have only watched 3 of his videos so far lol...suddenly i realised that interest was still there...I still enjoy watching about nutrition and peoples fitness journeys....I just needed to realise it is no longer 2006 and mediums change. I have kept this blog going for a longggggggggggg time...its been going for 9 years now....but lets be honest blogging isnt one of the great social network mediums these days. So back tracking a lil bit. A few days ago I emailed the gym and asked if my membership could be reactivated as of 16.4. The owner of the gym called me, explained my trainer had left the gym and I would be doing food coaching with her and she could see me on the 15th.

After watching you tube this week I knew what I wanted...I want this...I dont want it cos its expected of me...I want to become a strong warrior (noticed not a skinny warrior ;)) First thing I did was email the company I have in the past used for protein powder (www.aplussupplements.com.au), advising them how much weight I want to lose, how I normally eat my protein powder and what protein powder would they recommend? I also then asked them about pre workout supplements...they wrote back very quickly...recommended 3 different protein powders and also recommended a pre workout...when i looked at the pre workout....there was a few things that made me keen on it. One it isnt the type the causes sleep issues or makes you jittery, two...it has green tea in it three...elevates your metabolism....four...provides vital minerals and vitamins such as fatty acids...five .... surpresses appetite somewhat six...its also suppose to be a mood enhancer too....So i order both it and the protein powder....which I should receive both early next week.

I then knew I needed to pick a start date. From that date....thats it....on track. I have also messaged someone who has helped me in the past working out my calories and macros. I wont be eating less then 1800 calories...but as I have gained weight I want to make sure thats enough. I was never a fan of 1200 calorie diets...in fact I detested them (sorry all the michelle bridges fans!) im not saying i wont do 1200 cals at any point...but at close to 130 kilos....1200 calories is the last thing I need! My focus is to eat as much as I can while still losing weight and seeing body shape changes. At the most I think he will suggest my calories be 2000.....which sounds a lot...but when i was a lil under 90 kilos I would eat 1800 cals and would see big changes in my body shape eating that and focusing on my macros!

Ive decided also with this new journey (and lets face it...its different to before and I dont want to rest on my laurels) I want my focus to be on instagram, you tube and facebook. I am considering changing my name from "kazzs journey" the reason for this? Well im honestly thinking long term....when I lost my weight before...opportunities came my way....I just never felt I capitalised on them. In the past Thats Life has told me they would like to do another story if I got to goal...there are so many opportunities that could come my way from....(and this is way in the future!) from writing ebooks (on my journey, my tips etc)....creating tshirts with my logo...maybe way way way down the track doing some sort of coaching or motivational support....maybe a site which could go in who knows what direction....so (and I am getting to my point! lol) whilst I realise "Kazzs Journey" has a bit of a following I dont think its a great title for something like that...it needs to be something more thats identifiable as me, that is more of a logo...motto...and not merely my name. I would like to decide on one of these and then start to get myself out in the social networking world under this new identity (so ie you tube, facebook, instagram and possibly blog altho I think if i do a blog i will try and workout word press! So if anyone has any helpful hints send them my way! I want to become much more involved...cos this IS my hobby....I want to learn about graphics (I can do some basic stuff)....learn web design....learn video editing..this is no longer a "diet" its not even a "lifestyle" its back to it being my passion! ;)

In relation to you tube and instagram thats prolly my initial focus. And will start to play with that on saturday (which is day 1 for getting back on track!) My plan is saturday I will video parts of my day...video my weigh in....and video my food.

Down the track I will do videos on topics...i will try and "interview" different friends on weight loss journeys or weight loss champions...and maybe way way way down the track even podcasts might be a thing!

So now that I have got that out there! LOL I need to think about this new identity....I would love to hear all your suggestions! I want it to be something thats very me, thats unique and catchy. Something that captures what I am about (and I will stress again that is to become someone who is fit, healthy,glowing, strong....not someone skinny with lil energy)

So some of my thoughts are:

Fluffytofabulous
ProteinPrincess
Fluffy2fit
Porky2Princess
Sheddingthefluffyme
Formerfluffball
The strength in me
Bestversionofme
championofchange
Successwithstrength
strengthandsuccess
persistancenotperfection

Id really love a identity that uses the word strength or strong in it....I also kinda like the word fluffy (in case you hadnt gathered LOL) anyway if you have any thoughts let me know!

Important Thoughts

Well stuff has happened! LOL

I had a mild gall bladder attack...which is left me struggling to sleep at night as well as pain. Ive spent 2+ days straight in bed. Its 7pm and I am ready for sleep now!

I had a call from the gym last night....and my trainer who i had only had for a few weeks has left the gym :( So i havent been to the gym for a few weeks as I didnt feel I was in the right head space, but I am returning on april 15....so a week today! Ill do a food coaching session that night....first one...and then on thursday night I will do PT with the new trainer.

Ive spent quite a few hours watching you tube over the last few days. Its really given me the drive back. And the drive to build a strong body...not a skinny body ;)

Ive also been thinking a lot about what happened when i was at my lowest then lost the plot. And yanno there were a couple of things that I realise I need to be very aware of otherwise the same thing will happen when I get back there. The first is...I am not going to stop losing at any weight till I get to the weight i AM happy with. When I lost the weight before I got lots of comments like "you are not going to lose anymore are you?" "your face is too skinny" "you dont look healthy"

This was me when I was at my smallest. Do I look unhealthy? Nope. Do I look too skinny ? Nope? In all honesty i think i looked fanfreakingtastic....yep I still had weight to lose off my tummy and thighs...but I looked gooooooooooooooooooooood! Lesson learnt....this time I will not stop till I am at the weight i want! Till I can look at me and go..."yep i am finished" (in the weight loss department that is)

The other thing was i had a lot of people giving their opinion on whether i was going to have skin surgery. People were very pushy of what they thought I should go thru....of what pain/financial strain/recovery time I should go thru. I am not saying I wont have surgery when at goal and I am not saying I will...but you know...if someone had a big nose you wouldnt go to them telling them that they are crazy if they dont have nose job....that they are not complete if they dont have surgery. IF i have surgery....it will be my decision...I will put it out there simply for the time needed off work and the financial cost (and remembering i have no family support where i live) the chance of me having it done is very unlikely....but it will not take away from my journey....it will not take away from me living my best life....it will simply be how it is....purely a cosmetic issue....my scars which I am choosing to keep. I feel very strongly that this time i will not allow ANYONE to push me on this topic.

I am getting on track 110% as of saturday...food coaching and back to the gym on wednesday...I am so ready to do this and finish this journey once and for all.

Happy Easter Monday all :)

Well....todays plans fell apart. I was planning to go out to lunch and to see The Sugar Film....but my cycle arrived and I ended up with bad cramps so I bailed. I was super disappointed as i have been SO eager to see this film...i WILL see it at some point!

So ive mostly spent the day in bed (with a couple of panadeine forte)...thankfully TV1 had a seinfeld marathon (which I am STILL watching ;))

I had a good food day again :) 2 days ago i was 127 kilos .... this morning i was 124.9 kilos. Ive been thinking a lot about how i want to focus on weight work this time with my weight loss. I feel rather motivated about it. But i had put my gym membership on hold for 4 weeks....and wasnt due to go back till April 30 but contemplating writing to them and going back on april 16. I hadnt felt like I was in the right head space...and I am glad I took a break....I think by the time I go back I will have that exercise desire.

Back to work tomorrow..only a 4 day week which is nice...but the next 3 weeks I have 7.30am starts which is earlier then I am use too which means setting my alarm for 5.30am...this may kill me haha!

Have a good night all :)

A good day :)

So after yesterdays posts i got a few messages about "your not a failure till you stop trying etc" for me...stating what I did yesterday was important. I need to be open and honest about this journey...I have not been successful in weight loss for 2.5 years so it was very important to put it out there.

Today has been a pretty good day, I wanted to stick to 1700 calories, and i ate 1673 calories, in that i ate lots of good foods....yoghurt, blueberries, goji berries, almonds, spinach, tomatos, peanut butter, banana, cheese - so lots of good nutritional foods in there ! :)

I didnt exercise but im not to stressed about that...i had a good eating day so I am happy with that. I put my gym membership on hold for 4 weeks....I may go back after 2 weeks....still contemplating that. Will make a decision over the next week or so.

One thing I didnt mention on yesterdays post is how I have stopped taking care of me. When I was doing well every second saturday after the gym I would go get my eyebrows waxed....last time i had them waxed? The day I went and saw Jillian....that was last October...nearly 6 months ago! I have been slack about even shaving my arms and legs (that may be TMI),,,,,this morning tho the pits and legs got a good going over hahaha! I noticed today....on the bottom layers of my hair i have some really nice honey streaks....im actually thinking about having it done thru my hair but thicker and more on the top layer.

Not much else to say ;)

New beginnings...

So first things first, yes my journal has a new look! I felt it was time for new beginnings and a different look...im not very good with blogger but wanted a cleaner look...I was going to go for a white background....but I kinda like this....its clean and crisp....if people find the font hard to read please let me know!

Today i woke with a cold...blooming running nose and chit....and have slept on and off for a lot of the day. I then had eaten a pile of carbs...went to the grocery store....and got dizzy ..... its not the cold....its my sugar levels prolly at some ridiculous amount from all the carbs. Tonight I sat down and watched fat, sick and nearly dead 2. I found this such a good documentary. I had seen the first one but found this one much more enlightening. There is a bigger focus in it on the psychological side of why we choose junk food over vegetables. I would definitely recommend it. If you have netflix its on there to watch.

It also discussed how when things arent going good we hide. I think I have felt a pressure to still be "the weight loss queen" as I feel thats how people see me...and i have tried emit that but on the inside i feel more like "the weight loss failure" There is two very separate weight loss journeys 2006-2012 and the next journey starts now. I need to look at this fresh and I need to step out of hiding and be more willing to take on support. In my real life some of my weight watchers friends more regularly and I am hoping to embrace that even more. I need to update here more regularly and on my facebook group. I need to be vulnerable enough to take support and advice.

I thankfully went shopping today bought lots of greek yoghurt, sultanas, pumpkin seeds, ham, bananas, peanut butter, spinach tomatos etc etc. I feel tomorrow is a fresh start...weigh in tomorrow morning...go for a walk....get some housework done. And i will take a "before" pic which I will upload here.

Enjoy easter sunday all :)

Foxy Challenge - Day 6

So day 6 and the thing I am finding most interesting is how my cravings have subsided. I think this comes down to one primary thing....restricting bread and eating better grains. I have still had things like soft wraps, barley, oats....so im still having good grains but not eating bread or eating a lot less I think has a lot to do with my cravings subsiding. So since monday I have eaten 4 slices of bread...it actually wasnt part of the foxy menu plan....but considering the bread-aholic i normally am I am very happy with that.

This morning I went to body pump. It was a hour long class. And it felt a lot better then when I did pump 4 weeks ago....so I really feel my endurance is improving....no difference in the weights....but I just felt I coped better.

Tomorrow I am working...just doing some overtime for making up when i was sick the week before last.....jsut working 10 till 4.30pm and I will go for a walk in the evening. Today and thursday I rolled out my calve and it seems to be helping my achilles....the big test will be how it copes walking tomorrow. Then monday I am off...I will go in and do pump and balance at lunch time and then a PT session of weights that night....its a lot in one day but I dont get week days off often so might as well make the most of it.

Enjoy your saturday night all :)

Foxy Challenge - Day 5

Well today has been a good and bad day. Up to about 3pm my eating was not good. Come lunchtime I realised I need the accountability of weighing in front of someone so I have signed up for food coaching....starting April 8. I then started thinking about my latest excuse "im not fit enough for the gym" so time to just get thru it all even if i dont enjoy it currently. So tomorrow morning i am going to the gym and doing body pump and body balance.

Next weeks fitness plans are:

Monday:pump and balance (lunchtime) + pt weights (evening)
tuesday: RPM
wednesday:6km walk
thursday: PT boxing
friday:pump (im going to try and make that) if not 45 minutes on treadmill
saturday:rest day
sunday:7km walk with tania

I have found some food combos i have rather liked on this challenge. My fave breakfast is greek yoghurt, goji berris and almonds. A fave snack has also been a banana and 12 almonds. I just have to keep working on making good choices everyday.

Foxy Challenge - Day 4

Well things are going very well so far!! Food has all been on point and most importantly my mindset feels really good. I feel a sense of ease...im not sure if its the anti depressents starting to work (I am sure that is part of it) ....and its making me realise how good my life actually is :)  I think I am more proud of the mindset more then anything!

I had PT tonight... we did boxing and I could feel my fitness is improving. It was a real solid workout but I felt very capable...even Hayley commented how well I did tonight...she did mention I barely grumbled LOL I then told her I weighed this morning (I am down 2.5 kilos from monday) she turned around to me and said "you will win" i was like lol...I dont come to the gym enough to win...she then told me at her last gym....the top 3 members in the foxy challenge were all her clients lol *pressure*

As I think I have mentioned before i am not concerned with "getting the most points" in this challenge...what i am interested in is creating habits....getting back to clean eating like i use to do...and work towards getting to goal weight. The only real competition is with myself being better today when I was yesterday :)

Thanks for reading all! :)

Foxy Challenge - Day 2

Well day 2 of the challenge is nearly over :) This morning I was 2.1 kilos down....yay! I have stuck the gym....only thing I didnt do .... was LOL....they came around work with lindt chocolate balls....i freaking love those things! lol So i did have 2....(158 calories total)...then they came around with malteezers which I said no too. But I feel very impressed with me.

I havent been to the gym as much as I could I guess. There is a point component for gym attendance...Im not too focused on that tho....I am only concerned with getting weight loss results :) For me its not about a competition (well apart from the competition with myself)....this is a stepping stone for getting to goal for me. Its setting down habits so I can continue to be healthy for the rest of my life.

A pic of tonights dinner....mexican beef salad :)

Foxy Challenge - Day 1

So day 1 went a treat! Im impressed with me :) I took before pics and weighed in....126.1 kilos - eek! I am hoping to be 122.1 kilos or lower next monday morning.

I stuck to the food 110% it was all pretty delishus. Then went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the bike and then a PT session with hayley. It was mostly weights and then right at the end we did some HIIT on the rower....5 minutes.....30 seconds going hard...then 30 seconds slower....and repeat for 5 minutes lol...it was killing my legs and lungs the last minute! lol

Tomorrows plan is hopefully i will make it in time for RPM...if i dont make it a time i will prolly do pump or just walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes (dependant on how sore i am)

I also drank in excess of 2 litres of water....and lived in the toilet hahaha...i even told my boss cos i was worried he would think i was just nicking off to the toilet to bludge LOL.

Also the goal for the end of the 12 weeks is 12 kilos lost. So the aim is 114 kilos :)

Preparation

So tomorrow is day 1 of the foxy challenge and I am all prepared! All food bought....protein balls made....snacks prepared.....lunch organised. Exercise plan organised.

I am completely pumped and my headspace I believe is in the right space. It will be a big week this week...I am hoping to fit in some overtime as well as get to the gym at least 4-5 times this week...so its going to be a busy week!!

I have taken the before photos. Tomorrow morning is weigh in day. My goal for the first week is to lose 4 kilos...will have to be 120% on track for that and I will be.

Have a fantabulous healthy week all :)

Anxiety

So I have had a rough few days.

I have thought for a while I need to be back on antidepressants and prolly need to see a therapist. When I say a "while" I mean prolly over the last 6 months. But over the last 6-8 weeks I felt the time had come. The reason was not the weight gain, but more about my attitudes, wanting to hermit away, lacking interest in anything too much.

Anyway over the weekend I had a lil financial glitch. It was nothing overly major. But it flared my anxiety up to the point monday morning I woke up with sore eyes and a headache so I called into work sick. Monday night I barely slept. I rang the back tuesday morning....got it sorted out (where they told me it was highly unlikely to be a issue) and then as often happens when stress starts to leave me i got a migraine. I then had to go to the doctors....I turn up at the doctors and i am literally sweating...my tshirt is actually damp and i feel like i am going to faint. I felt awful. My doctor wanted me to take the week off....but I cannot afford that so compromised and said i would have today off but go back on thursday. He has put me back on zoloft, and i have a appointment on the 23rd to set up a mental health care plan to set up appointments with a therapist/psychologist.

Today I feel better. I still have a slight headache...but I am up not in bed...doing a few bits and pieces....so needs to be a big focus on my mental health. By focusing on that I think my physical health will improve too. So takes at the most 3 weeks to be effective....if not effective after 3 weeks i will double the dose.

Through out this...miraculously my eating has been better then ever (lol) and I think the foxy challenge has come at just the right time. Exercise for my mental health is going to be more important then ever.

I will be glad to be going back to work tomorrow...Getting back and being busy will help. As I have had a few sick days Ill try and do some overtime next week...not this week or weekend ill alow myself to recover...but the following weekend i have a 3 day weekend so i will prolly work on the saturday.

My focus has changed...

I took the week off from "dieting". I have no idea what the scales say...but will weigh in tomorrow morning. The thing is something has changed.

I had coffee with Martine this afternoon, I was explaining the foxy challenge starts on the 16th (a week tomorrow). I am getting back on track as of tomorrow. And between now and the end of the foxy challenge I want to get under 110 kilos...(I suspect thats about 15 kilos) but more important then that I want to get to the point of being fit enough of doing 2 group fitness classes (body pump and body balance) one after another....thats the aim. I know from experience...if I focus on the fitness the rest will click into action too. I am still very focused on being double digits by xmas time.

I feel a lot of emotional stuff I have put into perspective in recent weeks. There is nothing I have done in my past I regret....and I cannot control anyone elses actions....if anyone else did anything I didnt like...well that was their option to do...nothing i can do about those ... they are actions they had to live with....Im a good person....in a good place in my life....with my focus, my passion...to become the healthiest and fittest lesbian I can be LOL....things are good and will only get better!

Weigh in

Today is turning out to be a good day :) No work today so i slept in. I wasnt hungry when i woke so breakfast was just a banana and peanut butter (yum!). For lunch i made a low point version of carbonara which I have made many times before its from the site http://adashofflavour.blogspot.com.au/ and yummy...i also beefed up the vegies content by adding baby spinach to it...it was super yummy. That site belongs to a friend Jo...i havent looked at it for a long time...think i need to get back to checking it out more regularly!

Then I prepped some chicken. Took a chicken breast...sliced it vertically and horizontally to give me 4 pieces....and then marinated it in lemon juice, garlic, salt, cracked peppercorns....i made it the other week too...super yummy. I will bag 3 of them up and put them in the freezer for later in the week or next week...and one piece ill have tonight in a salad with spinach, semi dried tomatos, feta, avocado and cucumber.......yum yum :)

I feel good today....in a good place....hopefully it is the start of things.

Tomorrow night PT session....its not till 7pm...so i think ill go in do RPM....then do the PT session...i think i can handle that and am planning to go out for a 5km walk this afternoon/evening....slowly, slowly i am increasing my exercise....it will be a long road to getting it back to where it was a few years ago.

Oh nearly forgot..i was 122.6 kilos on the scales this morning....hopefully it will be a improved number by next monday :)

Light Bulb Moment

One of the problems with a blog...is sometimes you worry about writing certain things that are in your mind....you know you want to get these thoughts out of your head and down on paper so you can move on....what I am about to tell u all....ive only ever discussed with one person (fiona)...and i dont post this to hurt anyones feelings....there is no right or wrong in this situation....it merely is what it is....

A couple of my friends are starting to see psychologists. Anyway I was out for a walk tonight and was thinking about what would be discussed if i went and saw a psychologist (and this includes a lightbulb moment!) and decided the conversation would go something along these lines:

Therapist : So what brings you to therapy?
Me: I want to lose my weight, get to goal and stay there
Therapist: Have you lose weight before?
Me: Yes i lost 94 kilos but then in 2012 i started to gain weight
Therapist: Why did you start to gain weight again? Did anything happen in 2012?

(Would i make a good psychologist????) Well lots happened in 2012....mum got sick and passed away. But a lil bit before that....about 3 or 4 weeks before mum got sick....i was over at mums....she turned around and told me....we redid our wills the other day (her and her husband)....i was like oh yeah? She then tells me...on both mine and my husbands will....your younger sister and your younger stepbrother will be the executor. To say I was a bit shocked was a understatement. I get that....they picked one person from each side of the families...(altho i dont get why me and my sister werent mums executor and the boys be the executor of his will), but as the oldest daughter that was shocking. Made no sense to me. I live the closest to their house...i AM the eldest daughter ...now dont get me wrong if that situation comes along i dont desire to make decisions following a death, it wasnt cos i wanted control. It was more what it symbolised. Ive always been the black sheep of the family, the one who is gay, the one who isnt as social, the one who is fat blah blah blah the list goes on. Ive mentioned before in the past that i often feel like i am separate from human life.....and im kinda floating above watching everyone go about their life...having relationships, buying homes, going on holidays, having families, having social lifes etc etc and I dont feel i am ever a part of these things. I think when mum told me this it cemented a lil bit more about my lack of self worth....I mean....if your own mothers chooses to believe others over you, support others over you, why would you think anyone else would think any better of you. It reminded me that no matter how much weight i lost....i still didnt have the family relationships i would like.

But you know....time has passed....as mad as i was at the time....i would know like to simply have that as a issue....and not that mums will has now been dealt with.

I cannot change what happened...as is always said....the only thing we can control is how we react.

My work day was good today. Although i didnt get to sleep till after 1.30am ARGH thankfully (or not) as i am working on saturday i have tomorrow off. (I am getting rostered on a lot of saturdays at the moment....its good money so im not complaining) So tonight i am planning to sit down and plan out my meals until sunday. Tomorrow morning i plan to sleep in and then head into the gym and do 45 minutes of cardio (15 minutes on bike, 15 minutes on treadmill and aim for 15 minutes on cross trainer) then will go shopping then come down and prepare meals and snacks for the week.

I also plan to be a lot more present on instagram....heres to a good week all :)

Truth.

Im writing on a blog and surely that means I am being truthful right? Well yes and no. I think its easy to tell your version of the truth when you skim the surface.

Do I always tell the utmost truth on here? Prolly not. There are many times the posts could go deeper...but out of lazyness or choice they simply dont. For that reason its something I really want to focus on....not just posting more regularly but more truthfully/deeper.

So how are things going? Well weight loss wise I am the same I was at the start of the year....ive gone down....ive gone up...and down again and up again. Ive been very up in the air about "the plan"...we all need a plan...a plan that works for you and you alone. Now I signed up for the foxy challenge...ive seen the menu plans....they are very clean eating and the meals look good. There program works around body type...im a pear shape....so theoretically you should eat about 40% protein. I have popped them into my fitness pal....and they vary between 1200-1400 calories.....do i think thats enough food at 120 kilos? Prolly not...especially if exercising. I am tho very keen for their workout routines and the mindset information. Im definitely planning on mostly following the foxy eating plan as per the meals etc (altho i tend to be that person who cannot follow a specific eating plan....i like to have some say in what i eat so i wont say ill eat to their plan EVERY day) to boost the food I will prolly just do things like have a extra protein shake etc.

When i think about tracking my food it comes down to two options. Weight watchers and my fitness pal. I like myfitnesspal cos i KNOW calories...i get them....i can easily add the calories from my Heart rate monitor.....i can monitor my sodium levels...macros etc...it works pretty damn good.  The advantage of weight watchers the BIGGEST advantage of it is the support network,.....whether its their magazine, meetings, instagram i find the support network great (that said i hate their "tech sessions" in meetings cos its a thinly veiled marketing section which is fooling no one!) With my fitness pal i calorie cycle...my leader has mentioned i can cycle points....and yes i must admit i am considering going back to weight watchers and combining it with the foxy challenge. Im also considering doing two PT sessions a week for the 12 weeks of the foxy challenge. The other negative about weight watchers is i tend to get into the thought of "oh its a weight watchers product i can eat it" even tho i know i struggle to lose and control my appetite if im not eating unprocessed foods.

I really want to be successful at this weight loss gig...there are so many things i want in my life i dont have currently. I am sitting on the sidelines when what i want is to be travelling, enjoying a social life, a partner, new experiences (eg scuba diving, adventure sports etc etc) I want to not only be confident but have the fit, healthy glow I had a few years ago...and theres only one way ill get that....and thats by applying myself.

Weigh in result :)

So was weigh in day....and i lost 1.5 kilos :) So last week i lost 2.5 kilos..so 4 kilos in 2 weeks - cannot complain about that. So the food side of things is going pretty damn good...the exercise not so much LOL....which is a combination of a few things. One we have had some 40+ temperature days .... two....since i got back on track i have been sooooooooooooo tired ..... its ridiculous...im thinking i may have to start taking a multivitamin and partly cos im a chicken lol. When i did that 45 minute pump class....it was a struggle to get thru it....i just dont have the endurance anymore....so if a 45 minute class is a struggle can only imagine a 60 minute class.....im also unsure yet what to do. I think cardio at this point is what i really need....but the treadmill scares me....i hate the bike....and well i can only last 10 minutes on the xtrainer. I just need a plan at this stage. Tomorrow I have PT and at this stage not sure about saturday as i just checked....supposed to be 34 on saturday and with it being 37 the day before .... ugh....i dont always wanna cancel on fiona but i also dont want to do a session that is horrid cos of the weather and then stop doing the sessions.

Ive been having a slight issue with bleeding nose lately. In the last 10 days i have had 3....always occurs within about 5 minutes of waking. The first 2 times i put it down to the heat....but it happened this morning again and definitely not hot today...so weird.

Not much else going on....no plans this weekend....gonna be a quiet one!

Enjoy all :)

Giving yourself permission to enjoy life...

I mentioned a few posts back that i have a calmness about me lately. And then this morning I was thinking about different facets of my life...work, friends, my eating, being back at fernwood and i thought to myself i feel happy...and i feel allowed to be happy.

Allowed to be happy? This relates to grieving...i have mentioned previously for a lot of the past 2.5 years i have been in denial about my mums passing. And when I say that I mean I have not had that moment when I crumpled down to the ground and sobbed my heart out. I am not someone who talks about this stuff....i see other people who lose loved ones and its all over facebook...its bought up constantly ..... but thats not me. So while I havent had that "broke down" moment....I have not been in denial about the actuality of it all. It is a very present thought of that phone call from my sister telling me mum had passed away, of walking up the street to mums house knowing she had passed away and seeing cop cars and ambulance...the knock of the door of the coroner turning up....of walking out of that house alone knowing i will never walk back in there with her there....those (and more) are ever present thoughts. Im a logical person and i relive those moments and am sure I will forever.

Thru this whole process i never thought i was denying myself being happy...mums funeral was held on the tuesday....i was back at work on the wednesday....i went about things trying to be all business and things were as they had always been. Cos thats me....that ms tough exterior logical.

Mums funeral was held 8 days after she passed away (delayed as it had to go thru the coroner and they were busy) and the weekend before the funeral....after a week of funeral planning...on the friday night we had dinner and then it was decided we would get on with normal life (as much as you can) the next day....i remember my sister, her hubby and kids and i went to the royal show. I remember one specific moment at the show i was standing there with my sister and neice....my nephews were on some ride and we were watching them. And my thought was this is wrong, how can we be doing something fun considering what has happened. I remember being consumed by the thoughts out of how out of place this was....that day i was very much stuck in my head. I think a huge part of this was not knowing what is expected....lets face it there is no set of guidelines over what to do and how to behave when someone passes. I think in that moment I got it in my head that "fun" was wrong...that yes i needed to go about life and earn a living....but my goals for this happy, healthy social life needed to take a backseat.....now was not the time for those. And I feel finally, finally i am giving my permission to live the happiest life i can, to go after my goals, and truly put mum at rest....as someone once told me ....the best way to honour her is to live your best and healthiest life....and this is true....but more importantly....i am now giving myself permission to do this for me.....not cos others expect me to do it, and not cos i feel obligated out of honouring anyones memory (even tho i do honour not just mum but my dad and lil sister) but im doing it purely and simple cos its what i want, its what i need, and i am 110% back in living my life, by my rules, in my way, for most importantly one person....me

RIP mum x

Wrap up of my week :)

Well what a week!! Sunday morning i weighed 119.5 kilos. Tania and i went walking around the torrens on sunday morning, bright and early but it was so hot we only walked for a hour and then went out to breakfast ;)

Monday was day 1 back at the gym! Went in and signed up (unbeknown to me it was my personal trainer getting me to sign the paper work!) I went and firstly jumped on the cross trainer...and nearly died. It was a struggle and really killed my calves. Then i went and did a 45 minute body pump...boy what a struggle. I dont think its the weights themselves that is the struggle but my endurance. The next couple of days specifically wednesday i was in insane pain! Tuesday night i went to a RPM class....which killed my ass lol....but that was not too bad admittedly. I could still do all the cycling while standing....but i certainly felt it in my quads.

Wednesday i did some overtime at work so no gym.....and thursday i had my first PT session with my new trainer. The PT session went really good....we discussed my huge list of past and current injuries/issues lol....and my goals....which i told her to be down to 80 kilos by mid next year, i also told her about how i havent been exercising for pretty much 4 months because of my health....I found her really good...she told me she is all about open communication and if there is something i really dont want to do to tell her....so i feel much better then i did with the previous trainer. We did some weight stuff which i didnt feel particularly weak at....when we did core exercise she asked me to do some crunches....and was impressed....she was like....thats not a crunch your exceeding that lol its a sit up. She said my core strength is good. We also did some step ups....that was a struggle....its definitely cardio things that im struggling with. She then told me she thinks i am the perfect candidate for the foxy challenge (which i had been thinking of doing)...since i am getting back into the gym and also have weight loss goals. Its a bit different this year and especially cos it has some components on mind set i think i will definitely do it. :) Ill sign up this week.

As to what the scales did? After being 119.5 kilos on sunday I was up to 120 kilos on wednesday morning (weigh in day) which meant a 2.5 kilo loss....but then thursday morning i was up to 120.2 and this morning 120.2 kilos again. I am not too concerned always when i start working out i struggle to lose on the scales. So there may be a slight gain on the scales this week...but whilst the scales may (and prolly will stall) thats the time you usually see body shape changes.

I have to say too.....my eating has been spot on...ive been super impressed with me :)

This weekend its suppose to be 40 degrees both saturday and sunday! eek! id like to go do body pump tomorrow morning but i dunno in that heat, Saturday night i am going out with tania, martine and tina to my fave restuarant "moonsoon" I bought a new top to wear...ill snap a pic tomorrow night....sunday morning me and tania may go walking....im up for it....will depend on tania....she may feel its too hot!

Have a good weekend all! :)

Oh the pain...

Well i woke this morning and thought....ehhh im not too sore. But as the day progressed i of course got sorer! lol I did go to the gym tonight (so nice being back at a gym i feel comfortable at!) i did 10 minutes on the treadmill and then a 45 minute RPM class. I was planning to go tomorrow night (ooops sorry tania!) but i am going to do some overtime instead. thursday night i will go in for the first PT session with the new trainer and then friday night ill do a body pump :)

I will weigh in tomorrow morning. I was 119.5 kilos on sunday morning...this morning i was 119.9 kilos but that would just be fluid retention from body pump, with my current muscle soreness i would definitely definitely be retaining some fluid. But i know i will have a loss....just depends how much.

Foodwise i have been so spot on its been ridiculous! And not only spot on but minimal processed foods :)

Im in a very nice spot on the moment....work is good....my weight loss feels controlled again....been socialising a lil bit more....all good!

Enjoy your night all :)

Back into it all

Well today was the day I truly got back on track. After so many months of back injury, illness, waiting for the time I could rejoin Fernwood. I went back today. It felt good. Kinda like going home lol. A lot of members I saw I didnt recognise but there were certainly ones I have seen around the gym in the past.

I signed a new contract then went and set up for body pump and jumped on the cross trainer and O...M...G i nearly died! 5 minutes and i was sweating thinking i cannot last much longer....and that was only at level 5 lol.....i used to do 25 minutes at level 10 as a warm up. I then jumped on the treadmill for 10 minutes, at a speed of 3.5 and a incline of 7% (since I was about to go do a class I didnt wanna over do it in the first 15 minutes lol) I then went and did body pump. The last time I did a body pump class would be at LEAST 9 months ago. I was fine with the movements, the choreography but omg my endurance and strength just sucks haha. I used the smallest weights...EVEN for the squat track lol. I could feel my hamstrings and chest muscles hurting in the class...so can only imagine how sore they will be tomorrow!

After the gym I stopped in at the health food store and they had quest bars! OMG super excited!! Thats the first time I have seen them in a shop in adelaide....and they even had the peanut butter supreme flavour :)

I exepected this afternoon to be tired....but I got home and was all energetic, did some house work and washing. Now i feel a bit sleepy and i am guessing i will prolly sleep as heavy as crap tonight!! haha all feels good :)

Tomorrow I am going to do a RPM class. My aim this week is to work out every day even just a 45 minute class....most important thing is just to get the routine happening...I will do my first PT session with the new trainer on thursday too!

Enjoy ur monday all :)

Too damn hot!

So after two days of calorie cycling i am down 3 kilos....O.M.G :) Just two days of doing well has put me in a much better head space!

Yesterday was forecast to be 41 degrees so i told fiona no PT session....tania wanted to go walking this morning...it was forecast to be 39 degrees and would be no running and we decided to meet at 8am so thought that would be no drama. HAHA! Was nearly 32 degrees at 7am! We did go....but only walked 45 minutes instead of 90 minutes. It was warm but it was worth it for the company.

After the walk we went to what is becoming a regular place for breakfast....where we both eat the same thing lol....bacon and eggs on toast.....yum yum! So worth it....works out to 624 calories but so worth it...i could always skip the bacon...but its kinda worth it! lol Must admit while we were eating breakfast at one point i got a bit funny feeling...only lasted for a minute or so.....and im guessing was either the heat....or suddenly eating some sugar (the bread)

Tomorrow I am rejoining fernwood....must admit I am incredibly nervous about it. After the poor previous experience there is that worry...am i making the right decision....but i cannot get past ive never felt as comfortable at any other gym. That said...I dont feel real comfortable there LOL.....but its better then at a big or both genders gym. Back to feeling nervous etc in that gym environment ..... but with time that should improve.

Tonights dinner...i am cooking some chicken breast and having it with a salad with baby spinach, cucumber, mushrooms, avocado and feta....yum yum :)

Enjoy your monday all!

Back to calorie cycling :)

Yesterdays post and thinking must have done something cos i have been awesome with my food today. Even went to the shop with a shopping list and walked out with nothing extra ;)

I decided to count calories and today is a lower calorie day...1400 calories....ive tracked everything i plan to eat....dinner will be chicken, roasted cherry tomatos and feta followed by 35 grams of dark chocolate. I am sure I will stay on track. Why am i sure? Cos i am focusing on breaking the food addiction.

Today has been a lazy day...im guessing cutting out so much crap i will prolly go thru some withdrawals so kinda good the next few days ill be home, if i have headaches etc i can just nap.

Ive noticed some pain at the back of my foot.Not exactly pain but tightness...I think its my achilles....so i have started to do some calve stretches.

So monday back to the gym :) ill be doing a 45 minute body pump class...im thinking of doing a body balance class straight after too..just not sure how my body will cope. So next weeks workouts will look like this:

monday: body pump
tuesday: RPM (and maybe body pump)
wednesday:RPM
thursday: PT
friday: body pump
saturday: running with fiona (maybe body balance too)
sunday: 7km walk with fiona

More then calorie burning....the focus this week is to create a new routine. None of those classes freak me out so I should be fine...it will be interesting to see how I cope with the different classes tho lol

Have a good friday all :)

Food Addiction and other ramblings

I have said it numerous times before (altho not recently) food is a addiction. I am addicted to food, no different to a alcoholic. When I was 173 kilos I was addicted and when I was 80 kilos I was still addicted (altho it was controlled)....pure and simply I will always be addicted.

And my thought process on this needs to change. I have been trying to remember my first memory of food. And for some people this may not surprise them LOL. My first memory is me in a car....no idea whose car...my dad was in the car and I have no idea who else (mum wasnt tho) and the car was full. And we were going to pick up some food. Bet you cannot guess where from?....mmmhmmm KFC it is literally my earliest memory. I know it was before we lived in Sydney so I was 7 or younger. I remember the smell and the big bucket of chicken and whilst I dont remember eating it....all I remember is us in the car park getting it. I was super excited.

Some of my memories of food are good and some are bad. I remember dinner times....and not in a good way! Dinner was always a challenge cos I hate vegetables. I dont like peas, carrots, brussel sprouts, pumpkin, cabbage, cauliflower....and that was pretty the vegetables mum cooked...boiled. I would sit there for hours at the table playing with my food. I spent so much time at the dinner table that when I struggled learning my times tables mum wrote them up on a piece of cardboard and stuck them on the back of the kitchen door so I could either eat or stare at the times tables (and I dont think its any huge surprise that im awesome at multiplying these days lol) I really tested my mums patience. I remember one night her telling me, since you cannot eat your dinner properly you can eat your dinner in the laundry with the cat LOL So I stayed in the laundry...there was a upright freezer I let my meal sit on and I played with the cat for half an hour....way better then sitting at the dining room table haha ;) That attempt by mum was a huge fail.

Sunday nights we had a routine. My sister and I were always called in from playing at 4pm. We had baths, hair was washed and dried and then we had a roast dinner. This was the worst night of the week cos there was always roast pumpkin. OMG the smell was attrocious. I remember at one point (and this went on for a few weeks) sunday arvos I would always start coughing (sniggers) i would have my bath...getting into my pjs and dressing gown...and for this terrible cough I would get tissues which i would stick in my pocket. At the table I would then lay out the tissues on my lap and whenever mum or dad werent looking I would take food place them in a tissue and roll the tissues up and place them in my pocket so I could throw them down the loo later LOL

For the not so great cooked vegetables mum was a fantastic cook of treat foods. We never had chips etc in the house (altho at times arnotts assorted family packs would make it in, dad loved scotch finger biscuits lol) there was always everything from devils foodcake, to melting moments to caramel slice to cupcakes....all homemade and all freaking delicious! On the fridge there were 2 orange tupperware containers....they sat on top of each other and this is where a lot of the treats were kept. Often after dinner i would sneak out of my bedroom or pretend to go to the toilet and would be up on tip toes trying to quietly open one of these containers to sneak a treat out. Prolly as many times as I managed to do it without mum knowing...I got caught as many times. Instead of being something accessible the treats became like gold, something I could never have enough off. And still today, i see these patterns. I hate dinner. Ive convinced myself I not only dislike vegetables but most meats. Truthfully i dont mind some vegetables, I dont mind mushrooms, capsicum, onion, tomatos, baby spinach. I use to love lamb cutlets as a kid but never have lamb now....never have pork....and have convinced myself i am bored of chicken. Getting my dinners down pat is something i need to work on. Meat and salad is prolly the initial focus.

I remember when at my biggest I hated eating in front of people. It was a shame, cos no matter what you ate it was wrong. If i ate bad foods I thought people would think "no wonder she is so fat" and if i ate good, healthy foods i thought people thought "who is she kidding we know she will go home and stuff her face"

When I was smaller i loved that i could eat out with no judgement. It was even like i was eating bad foods when out in a way to stick my finger at anyone judging me. I could do it. It didnt matter whether it was a apple or a fast food burger i could do it without any judgement. And yanno i wanted to be that person who believed food didnt control me. By the end i didnt want to miss out any more....I wanted to be normal and especially at work when they bought food around (which happens at times) i didnt want to be the odd one out who said no....i wanted to be normal....but by saying yes to all these food offerings that came around...i again don't feel normal...I lost that

It is time for me to control the food and not allow the food to control me.

What honestly works for me?

Keeping occupied - when I spend hours in front of the tv I am not occupied...I am bored cos I have nothing better to do and one of the biggest causes of my over eating is boredom. I have mentioned it before when I made healthy living my hobby I was successful. Tomorrow in the morning I am planning to do housework and in the afternoon I will duck into town I went to go and wander thru the bookstore and get some new books.

But its not just books, updating my blog with authentic posts regularly...not just posts of "i ate 1600 calories today" but more about how I am feeling and all I am doing. Where my head is at and being 100% accurate with my journey.

I remember years ago being told if you want to be fit and healthy you have to act fit and healthy. So even if you aren't running marathons you act as a fit person. What does that mean to me? Having water on me ALL the time,.....not just sitting at my desk during my breaks at work...having skin that glows...reading the latest runners magazine...saying no to crap food.....putting out positive vibes in life

Avoiding foods that I cannot resist. Yanno that saying "one is too many and 1000 is never enough"? There are some foods I just have to ban, its what I did when I lost the weight before:

*Absolutely no bakery foods....no pies, pastie, donuts, cakes etc in the house or when out
*No deep fried foods...no fried fish, no "crispy" anything in restuarants, not hot chips etc
*Minimal processed meats...preferably only turkey or chicken....no bacon, kabana, salami, metwurst etc
*No low fat products apart from skim milk and mayonnaise
*No cheese apart from feta in the house....I can have a cheese sandwich when out but none to be bought into the house
*No fruit toast, croissants, white bread

So what can I have then? There is actually a palethero of foods I can eat:

Breakfast:
oats and protein powder
eggs
weetbix and chia seeds and honey

lunch:
Multigrain sandwich with turkey or chicken, may and salad
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)
Rice/barley/quinoa with chicken, vegetables
soup
Salad

Dinner:
Lamb, chicken, pork and salad/feta/avocado/semi dried tomatos or roasted vegetables
yiros (saturday night treat)
Eggs on toast
Sumo Salad (maximum once per week)

Snacks:
Home made protein balls
Bounce protein balls (once a week)
bananas and tahini
fruit
yoghurt
protein shakes
home made muffins
skim hot chocolate


Another thing that I realise is a trigger is the cafe at work. Its on the floor I work on and its too tempting. I walk past it in the morning and can smell bacon, and i go in during the day and theres hot food, cakes, chocolate, etc etc so I am literally going to avoid it (they will think i have died or something haha!) I will enter the building a different way....I can avoid it if I make the effort....it will mean tho being very organised with my lunch and snacks and having no diet coke at work....just water...so nothing that cannot be done. Restricting my diet coke to just at home is a good idea too.

This may seem like rambling...it prolly is....but things feel clearer in my head. Im not positive on continuing weight watchers, i dont like the weekly points and I really want to get away from processed foods....I know you can do ww without them...but yanno you walk in a meeting and there they are (plus sometimes with those tech sections at the meeting it feels like a bit of a sales pitch) so I will see how I go this week.

Monday I rejoin the gym...I think that will help me pretending to act like a fit person even if i am not just yet! Have a good night all :)

Weigh in results and dating :)

Weighed in last night and lost 500 grams - considering I had my cycle last week I was happy with that. The countdown is on now...6 days till I rejoin the gym, I know once that is happening things will really start happening ! :)

I was on pink sofa (a lesbian networking site) today, and I saw a comment where someone said "why do some people you never forget". It got me thinking about Ang (my first girlfriend and only serious partner). When we broke up (many years ago lol) it broke my heart....and I didn't cope well. In fact that was the first time I recognised I suffered from depression. Anyway in the aftermath of our breakup I swore...never again. I will never allow someone to have the negative impact on me she had. But would I choose to forget that relationship? NO. Now looking back I am grateful for it, I had a lot of firsts with Ang, I had a lot of good times, I also had a lot of frustrations lol...I am realistic...it was not a perfect relationship but it was ours.

After many years of not dating, back in 2011 when I was near goal I stepped out into the dating world. I dated someone, she really had no interest in anything serious and it was very up and down because of that. After that at like 44 years old I decided I was too old for that emotional roller coaster that dating can you lead you on. And for many years I haven't. I have wondered if deciding I am no longer dating is part of what led me to gain weight. I mean if you aren't going to have a social life what are you going to do? Yep sit on the lounge and make friends with food. Of course there is MORE to life then dating! lol but it was a big part of my goal, my dream for getting to my goal weight.

I think tho, I am ready again to start to dip my toe into the dating pool!