Thursday, May 21, 2015

Getting that desire back and being genuinely happy

Funny thing happened....I am getting my desire to write back :) I am finding in my days lots of thoughts are popping into my head, things I recognise as things I should focus or on "a-ha" things and I keep thinking I must write that down....and yanno I tried the you tube thing but honestly I am a much better writer ;)

So yes, I have that desire back and am going to write more regularly....not necessarily everyday but definitely more frequently.

So I weighed in yesterday. Not sure if I have explained this before...I weigh in at home in the morning and thats the weight i "log", simply cos i have minimum clothing on, on a empty stomach and just been to the toilet. Then on wednesday evenings I have a food coaching session where I discuss my week etc, I then weigh in so log that number at Fernwood and also see my body fat percent. So yesterday morning i weighed in and lost 400 grams taking me down to 120.9 kilos (those "teens" are getting closer) and also lost 400 grams on Laurens (my food coaches) scales...so yay for consistency :)

Today I have been off work sick, stuck in bed. And while I havent felt great I have felt happy (let me explain this contradiction!) Yes my head hurt. But what I have noticed more over the last few weeks is I feel happy on the inside. By that I mean genuinely happy. I mean I have felt "happy" plenty of times before...You put on a smile for everyone and you tell yourself you live a good life and there is not much you can complain about....but you are not genuinely happy. You know right at that moment you may not be grieving a loved one, dealing with a sick child, have employment insecurity or anything like that so you SHOULD be happy. Society and the media etc tells us we should be happy...but we have to convince ourselves. This is NOTHING like that. I don't have to convince myself. And there is a lightness internally...it is like a lot of heavy weight (not in the physical sense but emotional sense) I was harboring and carrying around with me. And I genuinely can feel happy and smile, and truly smile not be fake.

What is it that makes me so happy? My gawd that is hard to say. I think sometimes things come down to timing. I felt in myself it was time to move on from mums passing. I mean it was 2.5 years ago and I just remember one day thinking how she wouldnt want this. I remember when mum died and I weighed about 85 kilos at the time. And a day or two later my sister and I were in the car driving and my sister told me how mum had worried about my weight and how it was good that before she died she saw me at a healthy weight living a healthy life, then my sister turned around and said "you gain the weight back she will kill you" it was a light hearted moment,,,,,at a very bizarre time in our lives. Of course I then proceeded to put on over 40 kilos over the next 2.5 years. But a few months ago I kinda just woke up, and just realised I dont want this to consume me for the rest of my life. I know how to do this, I want to lose the weight, get healthy, build some nice good muscle, get back to running (not this year....maybe next year) and live that healthy life I had embraced. I wanted to take control back instead of being sad for myself for sadness that had occurred which is unfortunately part of life.

Now I feel in control. I have mentioned my support systems previously and I honestly think I got very lucky....and timing just worked really well. I love how I feel at the moment. Sure I am not 79 kilos yet but yanno what???? I am also not 127.1 kilos! I am feeling a lil better about myself each day, losing the anxiety that is known as the gym LOL....I am feeling like I deserve to be there...like its a place I belong.

I am very focused on my short term goal of 117 kilos by June 20 and still VERY focused on being under 100 kilos by my birthday....I truly believe I can do that or get very close that that.

1 comment:

Tranquility road said...

So happy you are finding that happy place
Your mum would be proud I'm sure xx