Light Bulb Moment

One of the problems with a blog...is sometimes you worry about writing certain things that are in your mind....you know you want to get these thoughts out of your head and down on paper so you can move on....what I am about to tell u all....ive only ever discussed with one person (fiona)...and i dont post this to hurt anyones feelings....there is no right or wrong in this situation....it merely is what it is....

A couple of my friends are starting to see psychologists. Anyway I was out for a walk tonight and was thinking about what would be discussed if i went and saw a psychologist (and this includes a lightbulb moment!) and decided the conversation would go something along these lines:

Therapist : So what brings you to therapy?
Me: I want to lose my weight, get to goal and stay there
Therapist: Have you lose weight before?
Me: Yes i lost 94 kilos but then in 2012 i started to gain weight
Therapist: Why did you start to gain weight again? Did anything happen in 2012?

(Would i make a good psychologist????) Well lots happened in 2012....mum got sick and passed away. But a lil bit before that....about 3 or 4 weeks before mum got sick....i was over at mums....she turned around and told me....we redid our wills the other day (her and her husband)....i was like oh yeah? She then tells me...on both mine and my husbands will....your younger sister and your younger stepbrother will be the executor. To say I was a bit shocked was a understatement. I get that....they picked one person from each side of the families...(altho i dont get why me and my sister werent mums executor and the boys be the executor of his will), but as the oldest daughter that was shocking. Made no sense to me. I live the closest to their house...i AM the eldest daughter ...now dont get me wrong if that situation comes along i dont desire to make decisions following a death, it wasnt cos i wanted control. It was more what it symbolised. Ive always been the black sheep of the family, the one who is gay, the one who isnt as social, the one who is fat blah blah blah the list goes on. Ive mentioned before in the past that i often feel like i am separate from human life.....and im kinda floating above watching everyone go about their life...having relationships, buying homes, going on holidays, having families, having social lifes etc etc and I dont feel i am ever a part of these things. I think when mum told me this it cemented a lil bit more about my lack of self worth....I mean....if your own mothers chooses to believe others over you, support others over you, why would you think anyone else would think any better of you. It reminded me that no matter how much weight i lost....i still didnt have the family relationships i would like.

But you know....time has passed....as mad as i was at the time....i would know like to simply have that as a issue....and not that mums will has now been dealt with.

I cannot change what happened...as is always said....the only thing we can control is how we react.

My work day was good today. Although i didnt get to sleep till after 1.30am ARGH thankfully (or not) as i am working on saturday i have tomorrow off. (I am getting rostered on a lot of saturdays at the moment....its good money so im not complaining) So tonight i am planning to sit down and plan out my meals until sunday. Tomorrow morning i plan to sleep in and then head into the gym and do 45 minutes of cardio (15 minutes on bike, 15 minutes on treadmill and aim for 15 minutes on cross trainer) then will go shopping then come down and prepare meals and snacks for the week.

I also plan to be a lot more present on instagram....heres to a good week all :)