Feeling SO much better !

For the first time in a few weeks i am feeling lighter...not as in weight but as in thoughts in my brain. Went to PT tonite....we did about 10 minutes of boxing and then me and Fiona got talking...she was asking me how i was feeling about the feedback in relation to the 40 kilos...and i was explaining that this week i have found out numerous friends/work mates have joined ww or thinking about it and have been talking to me about it coming and tellin me how much they have lost and questions relating to it....and fiona used a different term in relationship to "inspiration" she called me a role model..i was saying that (and i was explaining this to jody the other nite) that im not doing anything that millions of healthy people do and thats eat right and exercise and as Fiona said...yes everyone knows that but people see you as a role model cos you made a choice about not doing the opposite anymore and you got up and made the changes...and now cos people have seen you do it they are seeing u as a role model and wanting to do what your doing, she then went on to explain...it doesnt change my journey...and i have no responsibility for their journey....but i may have led to some people taking the first step to getting healthy. That to me has a whole different perspective on it. We then also talked about my self confidence...i explained how things we did initially instrength training were "functional" things we do in day to day life now we are not. And while my lil voice inside my head tells me "you cant do pushups" or "you cant do the TRX" fionas perspective is different...as she explained she wont get me to do something im not physicially capable of and for her its more about whether ill have the confidence to do it more so then being physically able. She also said and if you can't do something its no biggie...we just take a step back and come back to it later...she then said if your not ready for the TRX now we can come back to it...but i was like no no no i wanna keep trying it. In the end she did say while we talked half the session she thought it was a important chat cos it allows her to know where i am at.

The annoying thing is the scales have gone up...i know ive been spot on this week so im not freaking out...they had gone up by 900 grams this morning. And something strange has been happening the last few days which may or may not be related. This week im working 8-4 so i have breakfast in my first break which is at 10am then lunch is at noon. I have been having my 3 weetbix at 10am no drama....but come noon im feeling nauseas....yesterday i was so nauseaus i didnt eat which meant i ended up eating most on my calories late afternoon/evening which may have led partly to the 900 grams gain....then today the nauseas came again....so i made sure i ate and had soemthing i like (ham, cheese and tomato toasted sandwich) by the time i got back on the phones after lunch i felt worse....the nauseas was worse...come 3pm ish i start feeling fine again. I've never had this before so its all very weird. Of course i then said to the boys....being the goof i am...i think im pregnant LOL....then i was like i think k-rudds stimulation on monday got me pregnant...and then of course all the jokes about the thought of me being pregnant got very funny...(prolly didnt help when i kept saying lady with baby coming thru! LOL) anyway they told me i have no maternal instincts ! And of course i kept saying me having k-rudds baby will push mel gibsons drama off the gossip pages ! LOL was all very funny...but damn the nauseaus.

Okies off to have a warm shower and then watch Law N Order...have a good nite all

oh well good planning and we are not too busy today - YAY ! So relieved cos i was really dreading today hehe

I think i am now comfortable with coming to the conclusion that a lot of my issues lately is just self confidence. When i started training with Fiona altho they were hard exercises at the time they were all doable...they were stepping up and down off steppers...doing squats...lunges etc...sure they were hard but my brain knew they were doable. Lately tho its all stepped up a bit...the pushups against the bar (my brain knows i cant do pushups) the TRX which scares the crap out of me...in someways even when overweight we do squats etc in daily activity...trust me hanging like i do from the TRX i dont do in my daily life...so i lack confidence and feel out of my comfort zone which makes me feel weird and makes me feel like a loser and so the catch 22 situation occurs. Yes i also am finding it weird getting attention but i think the thing that impacts me, that scares me the most is fear of not being able to do these things. Fiona knows how i feel and im sure she prolly even realises a lot of it is just my self confidence. The funny thing is several friends have joined ww lately lol tuesday nite i was talking to my friend Dayne and she suddenly says "we joined ww" lol...i was stunned and then she started asking me how do you manage to eat all your points...so we chatted a lil. Then this morning i am at my desk and jenny one of the girls here who joined ww a few weeks ago comes over to me and is like i lost 1.1 kilos this week ! So its funny kinda like people are coming to me cos i guess they see its working for me? Then i was standing in the office and tony and michael were both talking and looking at me and im like what? and michael comes over (michael whose my old team leader and who i ADORE !) comes over and hes like we were saying how uve lost more weight hehe so all good

My jeans are really getting looser ! So my hips and stomach must be shrinking...the top i wore yesterday i need mum to alter cos its huge on me and showing way to much boobage yesterday LOL

Tonite it is PT YAY boxing tonite...my legs especially my left leg are still sore from tuesday nite. I think cos she noticed haha that when she tells me to go to the "weeping wall of woe" as she calls it and i start in a squat position i was kinda creeping up so she was having me go in a much lower squat position so that left inner thigh is a bit of a killer at the moment.

I think saturday afternoon i will prolly go wander down rundle mall...i wanna go to katies cheapie area i just need to buy some tshirts and at least one pair of pants for the gym...i was there in there regular priced section the other day and saw some real nice work out pants but ill try to get the cheaper ones since i wont be wearing em too long anyways. The tshirt im wearing today is one i got for $9.95 from katies and i feel so thin in it especially across the shoulder area...its nice not always feeling like a heffer LOL

Okies people off i go...few more hours of work before its home timeeeeeeeeeeeee

I doubt i will manage to do a post tomorrow. Mumbai has a election on tomorrow and the government has declared it a public holiday and its illegal for anyone to go to work...so our mumbai call centre will prolly have no staff so will be busy busy.

I feel happy today. Im excited about the hotel on saturday nite...I emailed Jaimee to see if she wants to go out for some dinner saturday nite and she was all for that so i will see her that nite for some yummy food. Always love catching up with Jaimee (shes the blonde in the pic on my page) not only is she a looker LOL but she has the wickedest sense of humour of anyone i know so always entertaining.

I rang the gym this morning to change some appointment times and her royal hawtness answered the phone ! Dayam that put a smile on my face....see sexi women can still perk me up! LOL Then i said to the boys at lunch...i just rang the gym and her royal hawtness answered the phone that has so perked me up...and scott goes...is she as hot as jillian? Im like she comes damn close....then he says...are you thinking about them having a fight over you right now? LOL i was like i wasnt but damn i am now !

I am noticing im even happier the last few days with the customers at work...funny how weight loss and how u feel about it has a flow on effect. I was talking at work today about the gym and what not...and i was saying "i love my PT sessions" then i thought later wow its like a while since i've said i love those sessions...why was i suddenly deciding i was not loving them? Was Fiona spot on when she said last week...i think your trying to punish yourself? The more i think about the stuff the more i think i wish i could get back to how i was a month ago then i get frustrated...and then i start to feel like a loser for feeling like this in the first place...even tho i know (thanks to fiona lol) that this is all just part of the fact that yes i am human and while it would be nice to cut off my brain and all its thinkin...bottom line...its something we all do.

Im trying to download Jillians radio show and its being a ass grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hilton Hotel Adelaide here I come...

...yes babeeeeee saturday nite i will be spending it in the luxury of the hilton hotel. (the one in victoria square for all you adelaidians) i decided to do that as my "reward" for my 40 kilos. I went onto lastminute.com.au and bought one of their "secret hotels" and then they email you and tell you where you are staying ... so very ecstatic about the hilton...photos of it look GORGEOUS but i of course will take more photos while there.

No PT sessions today i am thinking about going into the gym and doing body balance at 6.30pm but undecided yet...knowing my lazy ass ill prolly opt for a nite at home. Tomorrow nite i have PT again and then presuming the weather is ok on friday nite we are going to the wheaty (we sit in their beer garden) and then wooo hooo saturday nite at the hotel.

My arms were sore yesterday when i raised them...today theyre sore even when i dont raise them ! LOL bloody hell..hope they arent as sore tomorrow as its boxing again and ill be a pathetic weakling hehe

Not a lot else going on...have a fab hump day all

Tired tired tired

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG i was a TERROR at work today lmfaooooooooooooo i think the whole team wished i would shut up ! I musta been in a hell of a good mood

Went to PT tonite...OMG she is trying to kill me im sure of it ! I firstly did 25 minutes on the treadmill..(go me) gradient was on 7 and speed 3.4 and my heart rate was up over 140. Then we did boxing...she told me i had a good right hook tonite lol (my right hook) my right hook has been one punch that i have never been too good at, normally every session its like put your elbow up...so was good that she was impressed with that. At the end i was like so ready for a nap...anyways so fiona is stretching me...heres how the conversation between me and fiona went...

F : are you feeling dizzy?
Me : no
F : are u feeling nauseaus?
Me : No
F : So your not going to throw up? (laughing)
Me : Sorry to disappoint but no (im laughing too)
F : no i dont want you sick but i do want you buggered
Me: Mission accomplished

We talked a lil about that damn TRX she just reinforced i CAN do this its just a fear and guess what im human? So i will have fears. She was then asking me...is this whole thing i am going thru because i dont know how to take a compliment? Do i feel like i owe the person something when they compliment me? So i explained a lil more about how always in my life i have never followed thru with things...when i feel uncomfortable i give up....anyway she pretty much said your human karyn and she was like trust me..your not strange for what your going thru its actually common....you just have to keep doing. Talking to her always seems to help....as seems when i start to say how i am feeling about something she gets it (prolly seen it in others before i guess) and she is usually pretty accurate on how different things make me feel. We also decided we will do boxing monday and thursday night and weights on tuesday nite...to break it up shes not too concerned basically said she doesnt want me doing the boxing on both monday and tuesday nites.

Okies...i NEED to go have a warm shower as im bloody freezing before House starts...have a good nite all !

Just a tad of news

Well I do have some news,,,the first bit is ... I reached 40 kilos. 40.1 kilos to be exact. Actually I weighed yesterday morning...saw i had hit 40.1 kilos but really wanted to keep it to myself. When I went to PT last nite i told fiona n she was like have you blabbed it across facebook yet? i was like no and i normally do...she decided thats cos of the whole "expectations" thing i think its also about being so scared of failing and the fact im actually not...is confusing the crap out of me. Anyway decided that if i continue to keep it to myself for one thing i am not acknowledging that i did it and also i am allowing the whole head game to control me. so there we have it...yep did it...now onto getting under 130 kilos and working towards 45 kilos.

Bit annoyed with myself at the moment. When at PT last nite i of course had to do that damn TRX anyway over the weekend i had thought about it and thought i wont look up at where its bolted to the wall and this worked fine...BUT THEN she said okay this time we will do it lower...this freaked me out...im scared shitless of this contraption...i couldnt even see how i could get into the start position...once she advised a trick to do this...i did it...but of course i was now looking at where it was bolted...i did it but i struggled...and ended up saying "i cant do this" and fiona was like yes you can you just did...and i said i am not strong enough for it...she was like you can...its just fear. She was like i am going to get out all the specifics on this so u can see it in black and white LOL...but i was a bit annoyed that i said "i can't" to her when i first started training with her i swore i wouldnt say no, i cant or miss sessions...The rest of the session went well.

K-Rudd stimulated me ! (is it bad if i say it felt good too? lol) but anyways..we discussed the 3rd PT session per week...(which i bought today YAY !) anyways we decided to do the 3rd session as boxing since i like it...she said we can do different cardio but she wants to make sure its something I enjoy...so boxing works for me.

This weekend i am going shopping for some new gym clothes. I am desperate for some leggings...nothing flash just want some plain black ones...and a few new tshirts.

Anyways not much else to say...all else is good. Still dealing with the mental demons but slowly getting there

well had a lovely relaxing day yestereday. Watched biggest loser US...marley n me (omg so good but made me cry), the castle (awesome!) and my best friends girl (blah) Then went out to dinner with my mum, her hubby and his mum. Lets just say...next time ill go out with just mum for lunch...lol

The scales are moving along nicely. Amazing when I stop stressing, eating right and getting in some exercise what can happen. I will weigh in tomorrow morning....then the goal is to reach 40 kilos the monday after. Its completely doable...2 boxing sessions this week should help that along lol. I feel incredibly focussed at the moment...a lot of this is taking everyone else out of the picture and focussing purely on what i can control.

Last nite at dinner i had the greek lamb salad. My mum had schnitzel coated in cheese and also ordered this turkish bread COATED in oil, mustard, cheese and parsley. I said cut me a piece off please...her hubby is like have the whole piece...i was sitting there thinking seriously you THINK i should eat that WHOLE piece??? so i said no i want just a small piece...i placed it on a serviette on my plate and oil just seeped out onto the serviette...was it nice? no but once upon a time ago i woulda loved it...but it really did nothing for me. The greel lamb salad was delicious...had this dressing that was quite thick that was on the side i had some of it and was yummy but left at least 50% off it...it also had boccichinni all yum and tasted delish.

Today another quiet day....finishing off the washing...and gonna settle down and watch a movie in a bit...have a fab day chickadees ;)

Saturday

I just watched this weeks episode of the biggest loser US version (bet ur all in shock there !) anyway jillian (mmm) was talking to one of her players...this player is down to 177 pounds,,,toned....wins most of the challenges...has never been below the yellow line and is female...anyway they were having a heart to heart and she was saying she is scared and jillian was like...hello this is what succeeding is all about...embrace it and shes right...instead of thinking all about how i am going to fail and what i cant do...i should just be revelling in the great feeling of how good it feels to succeed. So am i succeeding? I think yes...i may not be succeeding at goal YET but each week i succeed...my body is healthier then a week ago cos of the healthy food i put into it this week...the additional exercise i did this week...no i cant run on the treadmills...and yeh im prolly slow at somethings and find some exercises hard and somethings in that gym that fiona has me do but as she pointed out the other nite...there have been many things at the gym i said "i can't" about .... yet i've done and usually done them pretty well (i think heh) and when i have done with each 6 week program i have completed i should not be just thinking...ok next program....i should be reflecting more on wow tick i succeeded at that. Mentally i am doing so much better but im still having those doubts (often as im lying in bed at nite as i try to sleep) but im really trying to focus on what she said that i cant control the others i can only control me...and she is so right...i can only control the food going in me...how hard at i work at the gym...and how positive i say...they are all things in my control. So in that sense i am feeling rather good.

Yesterday i walked into works cafeteria to get my daily tim tam LOL (they sell single biscuits and its my daily treat) anyway mel our admin head honcho was there and she was like "karyn you are losing a truckload of weight lately" mwuahahahahahhahaha ! of course my pathetic answer? "I'm trying" ... I'm not trying i am bloody doing...and the next time someone compliments me on my weight loss i am gonna say..."thanks..i know...its going great guns !"

TOM made its arrival yesterday just as expected...do i know my body or what? the very interesting things is its only 4.5 weeks since my last TOM now for someone who has PCOS this is great news...i remember at 170 kilos where i didnt have a cycle for 7 months...now im getting close to a 28 day cycle....while i dont relish it (or the mood swings) the way its behaving for me now is another indicator of how healthy i am getting.

i am going to do PT monday, tuesday and thursday this week (i had a spare session) and then when k-rudd pays me which would be nice if it was this week ill buy a 10 week PT pack. Which i am very excited about. Fiona said the other week each time you see me you get happier...and shes right each session i get some type of feedback on how im doing...each session reminds me while im not the best performer in the gym...i am markedly improved...we all have our weaks and our strengths...and if i was gonna say something i seem to be doing well at is upper body strength i notice that more each week. I notice the muscles building in my arms (and if i know you in real and i havent raved about my arms and made you feel them then your one of the lucky few LOL)

Today i am having a lovely lazy day in bed ;) I just watched biggest loser...and im about to watch Marley & me now...i also have hannah montana (haha richard wilkins said it is good !), the castle, stepbrothers, changling, get smart, 7 pounds, my best friends girl,vicky christina barcelona, sisterhood of the travelling pants 2 to watch lol so plenty of viewing...then this arvo i will go do my walk and tonite i am going out for dinner with my mum and co for dinner. Hopefully we go to the reepham and i can have the greek lamb salad which i last had on my birthday and loved !

Hope everyone has a great saturday ! Be nice to yourselves =] and dont forget to spare a thought for all those women and men who serve in our armed services and have served out country here, in other countries or in war...i know i will be ... especially thinking of my dad xox

Decision has been made...

...so yep...I am going to be doing a 3rd PT session per week thanks to k-rudds stimulation LOL once i get the money i will buy 2 packs of 10 weeks....then in june when i get my bonus ill buy another pack of 10 which will see me thru to early january :) Fiona can fit me in at 7pm on monday nights which works really well...my plan is to see her monday, tuesday and thursdays. Do body balance on wednesdays...and body pump on saturdays. This would give me 2 weight sessions per week, 2 cardio sessions per week and 1 stretching and flexibility session per week. I just get so much out of the PT session and since i have the money it seems kinda silly not to utilise it for this. So will prolly buy the first pack on thursday nite (ill get it out of my pay packet if k-rudd hasnt stimulated me by then heh) so that is the plan...by the time they run out at christmas time hopefully my weight has dropped enough that i dont get all the pain i currently do on the treadmill. And so i would possibly drop back to two sessions then...or possibly keep it going. But anyway i feel very good about this decision.

The scales dropped today ! yay :) they dropped by 600 grams in fact...so im now at 133.6 kilos...so 2.7 kilos to hit that bloody 40 kilos...and im determined to do that over the next few weeks. The gym is closed tomorrow and despite this bloody wet weather i will do a 3.5km walk each day (hopefully my feet handle it)

Its funny to think 5 days ago i was thinking oh i need a break lol...its funny how much i enjoy the gym sessions...and how after how good about myself i feel.

Hope everyone has a nice day...and lets hear it for thnak gawd its friday - oh and k-rudd and his stimulus package LOL

Focussedddddddddddddddd

Well im pondering something...something good...i wont say what it is yet ill prolly decide over the next day or two. But its something i wanna decide on my own with no outside input...its partly dependant on Fiona...so waiting for some info from her...but it is all GOOD so no worries hehe

Well my gawd I only JUST made it to the gym tonite...like literally...the session was at 6pm and i walked in at 6pm and i still had to change my shoes and go to the loo ! lol But anyway made it by the skin of my teeth. And yet again she kicked my ass. LOL...after every combo she had me leaning against a wall in a squat position(which Fiona decided is called the wall of woe haha) and i would do either 30 or 50 fast jabs or upper cuts then i'd do a combo then back to the wall again. At one point she said...okies we gonna do this combo 10 times but add 6 right kicks each time (thats 60 kicks people !) anyway she said it and then i groaned lol and she said one day when i say that you wont groan. She said ... you use to groan at everything....now u dont....i said...yeh just mostly and she was like no you dont. Anyways she then told me that todays session was at a intermediate level :) and she's real happy too with the fact im not getting those giddy spells anymore ... so everything is really going good in that area.

When i walked into the gym sarah was on the desk (who i spoke to on mmonday when i cancelled the pt sessions) and she was like twice in one week karyn? haha...think that was a hint...lazy ass i am ! I have only been here twice this week....so i need to increase that.

It is a really nice feeling to feel focussed again...to have stopped thinking that its "too hard" that its just me doing what ive been doing the past 4 months.

Jo - thanks for your comments - altho i dont comment yours often, yours is one i read daily ! ;)

Doing good..

Well a good day so far today. TOM is not far from arriving...im sure it will appear in the next 24 hours. Funny how i use to dread it now cos i know ill lose some fluid im like hell yeh bring it on...just wait till after PT tonite to arrive and i will be happy. I have to dash after work tonite Fiona just texted she can see me at 6pm (much better then 7.30pm!) but its gonna be a challenge...normally i finish at 5pm...im at the bus stop jsut before 5.10pm and its all good...but its been raining...and i walk across a paddock and a lil dirt track which is prolly gonne be muddy and slow me down (and hopefully not slip me up!) Id prefer to wear my gym shoes for that dash but i dont wanna get mud on them...doubt the gym would appreciate that LOL

Foodwise ive been very good since tuesday...so day 3 now. Funny how before i went back to the gym i couldnt get back on track but voila been very good since.

My mum has been driving me nuts lately...we talk via skype and message after message she would fail to reply too for like a week...then she sent me a message and well i kinda ignored it ;) blah im not gonna be treated like a doormat anymore...anyway last nite she asked me to meet her for lunch which i couldnt do but instead ill go out for dinner with her and her hubby saturday nite..so in my own lil way i think i accomplished something lol

My water has been lacking a bit as i sit here drinking my pepsi max lol so will have to start getting stuck more into that. But i have stomach cramps a bit today so i will think about that in the next day or so.

Mentally i feel much better...i know i can do this thats not debatable whenever i eat right and exercise the scales generally move in the right direction. For the moment i will keep plodding along as i am...when the gym runs there next challenge (they run 3-4 per year) i mite look at doing one...altho ive got a feeling the next is their military miss bootcamp so mite be something i couldnt cope with but i mite look at doing one of them...i prolly shoulda done the one theyre doing now but its too late...they basically "earn points" for attending the gym, doing classes, losing weight etc...prolly woulda been a good motivator...oh well maybe next time. I am still pondering the bloody goal Fiona wants me thinking about. I tried to do a push up last nite hahah how hilarious that woulda been to watch...i tried twice first time i started to lower and my arms just collapsed LOL the second time i think maybe i lowered myself 2 centimetres lol quite the damn weakling i am haha I prolly need to set more of a plan...of attending the gym and making sure im doing the right sort of balance of things (ie ensuring i am doing enuff cardio) mite be something i will discuss with her.

Okies have a good day all...lets pray i make it to the gym on time lol

Oh my goodness

...what a day ! I split my bloody pants ! hahaha omg i can laugh now but geesh...my friend david at work had to come over and sat ur pants are ripped LOL...right down my ass ! My boss ended up driving me home so i could go change lol and my whole team found it all incredibly funny...lol The boys thought it was incredibly funny that yesterday i was saying i dont want attention and today my ass was hanging out of my trousers LOL

All else is going good. I feel like a new person today. I am quite conscious that everything is not all of a sudden perfect but keep reminding myself what Fiona said and that its all about how i let it control me. Foodwise yesterday i was under calories and today im on track so far and WILL be for the rest of the day. What the hell would I do without fiona? LOL I am also still bloody pondering what to set as a 6 week goal...anyone got any great ideas? I was thinking maybe something related to the treadmill...but i just dont know...i cant set it as comng to the gym as she wants it based on competency ... the only other thing i thought of was pushups...but i dont want her to laugh it me when i suggest it hehe I think she was thinking away from cardio equipment and things more towards weights etc

Tonight i am having my low fat carbonara for dinner which i love and settling down to watch house...someone dies...omg i hope i dont cry :(

Not a lot else going on...just focused and marking this down as another day on track :)

Part Two !

Well gawd so damn glad i went to the gym ! Firstly i got there and did 22 minutes on that damn treadmill....just did it didnt focus on whether i'd fall or not. Then fiona came over and got me and we talked for about 15 minutes...she said she thought i was trying to self sabotage myself and she understood where i was coming from and not wanting the attention i am currently getting. As she said i cant control what others say i can only control how i react and currently i am allowing this stuff to control me and basically people will say what they will but when it comes to this stuff i need to build a bubble around me and let it bounce off me and basically my mind simply needs to catch up with my weight loss. We also decided that from now we will regularly have a session where we talk to make sure we are both on the same wavelength. She also wants me to set some 6 week goals...that are related to competencies in the gym...i have no idea what i could set as a goal apart from maybe pushups? Anyway she wants me to have a think about that. Then we actually did some exercises lol we did "planks" with a fitball...my stomach hurts right now altho TOM is due so not sure if its the that or the exercises. Then we did these exercises with a TRX..here is a pic of it cept i actually stand holding onto it and lean back and then have to pull myself up with my arms...to say it is scary is the understatement of the year...i was quite convinced it was not gonna hold my weight...but i somehow managed it...i also did lunges and sumo squats on a balance mat thing. Anyway im feeling better i was totally on track today...in the team meeting they ordered chicken, hot chips, pasta salad and coke. I had said can yas buy me a bread roll too...so just me got a bread roll...and i had a piece of chicken and ate that..much better option then those hot chips (altho they looked delish !) so a good day all round...back into it....heres to tomorrow....oh n btw i was 135.6 kilos yesterday morning and 134.3 this morning...hopefully back at 133 kilos by next monday

Feeling better...

Well i feel a lil better today...amazing what a relatively decent nites sleep can do altho i did wake at 5.20am tossing and turning. I had one email last nite that really got my head a lil more fixated..and that was pretty much put the thoughts out of your head...head down bum up. By the time i had recieved that email i had already decided to rebook my appointments with fiona. And fiona last nite texted me and basically said maybe we need to talk more in our sessions to avoid this happening and for me to let her know more about what i need from her - im not sure of the answer to that as i already think shes great and so appreciatve of all she has done for me. Its not that we dont talk obviously we do...but i think cos of the type of person i am i just dont open up. Partly i think...shes there to train me in exercise and thats it...i mean we can all sit there and moan and whatever but it doesnt really get us anywhere. Anyway we are going to talk tonite...she did say she wondered if i am trying to punish myself. I also talked to the boys at lunchtime today and i was explaining that i havent been the centre of attention before ive been left to my own devices...now thats changing...whether its someone trying to pick me up as happened saturday nite...or someone saying how wonderful they think i have done or what...im just not use to it...the logical part of my brain knows that people are doing/saying is out of the goodness of their heart...but when you have pretty much been ignored....for so many years to suddenly be getting attention is uncomfortable...i actually dont know what to say....and the other thing is...i still have so far to go...there is that lil insecure part of my brain that thinks...theyre ridiculing me even tho my logical part knows theyre not and its just plain scary. Anyway i will chat to fiona tonite about it. I am nervous about tonight i feel silly for cancelling the appointments and then rebooking them in and i know fiona is prolly gonna want to discuss stuff id prolly prefer to not discuss

Our team won $50 to spend on our team meeting today so they are ordering chicken, chips, pasta salad. I will have some of the chicken with no skin but thats all.i still have about 600 calories left and im having subway for dinner so that should work out fine. My only focus today was to get thru the day under calories and do the PT session...anything else is a bonus and so far that seems to be going to plan.

Okies off i go..

Sighs

I dont wanna make this post but my head is about to explode and the only thing i can think is maybe if i put this down in writing i will make some sense.

I slept awful last nite...woke up numerous time and also woke up dehydrated....reason for that? The crap eating ive been doing since saturday nite. Woke up...climbed into the shower ad just thought to myself .... ive lost my drive. At work today i could barely concentrate on work....and david even came up to me and asked why are u so quiet today..

So lets see...im scared...its as simple of that. im scared of going unde 130 kilos...im scared of losing me. In some ways i like the fat girl, im comfortable in me and comfortable with the expectations of me (which is prolly very little) I dont wanna be anyones inspiration, i dont wanna be th girl who people point at and say look how much shes lost. I wanna live in my quiet comfortable lil world. I havent been fit and healthy since i was a teenager...i am scared of the social side of losing the weight...whether its girls or friendships or what and the expectations others would have of me. I have always quit when it go too hard...whether it was ballet esteidfords...completing year 12...getting a drivers licence...its always been easier to quit and return to things....without the expectations of others.

This morning i texted fiona and said im gonna take a break and not come to the gym for a few weeks...and then i rang the gym and cancelled this weeks appointments...now i wonder if i did the right thing. Have i sealed my fate to put the weight back on...is it just something i should be persisting with eating within my calories doing all my gym sessions...and just leaving it up to fate as to whether I am successful or not...i am completely at a loss as to what to do ... maybe i should just ring up the gym and rebook in appointments...or maybe the break is the best idea

A Change Is In The Winds

Firstly, let me say what I am about to say here has nothing to do with any messages I recieved today. But i am at a crucial point in my journey...this decision is based on the last few weeks and also based on something which I have been discussing with fiona about that happened several weeks ago. I need to make some decisions...I need to get accountability back...and i need to work out for myself how i am going to do that, and not be influenced by others after all this is my journey and I am in control of it. I am not giving up or anything similar...quite the opposite. I dont know when I will post again...certainly not within the next 24 hours. For the moment...commenting has also been turned off on my journal. Have a fab productive week all.

Uh oh....

I have what feels like a hangover...its not a hangover from alcohol(didnt drink last nite) but i think it is a hangovr from the food i put into my body yesterday :(

So Jaimee picked me up and was like omg you have a waist ! lol then she was like zapatas (mexican restuarant) or pink pig (sells a lot of pig funnily enuff! lol) so i thought pink pig mite be the better option...so we get there...and i look at the menu...and i see devilled chicken wings on a bed of rice...so i ordered those....well they came out and there was like 10 chicken wings or something ridiculous on the plate...holy crap i of course didnt eat them all and they were yummy but incredibly spicy so i KNOW very high in sodium and there was a bit of oil too...then jaimee says...how about dessert? lol so i did :( i had a apple struedel was delish and not a huge piece. Was a really nice dinnerwas great just sitting around chatting to her. We then went to Ryans birthday which was at some bar neither of us had heard of before and we stayed like a hour lol. At one point this girl comes up to me (she was a lesbian) and says...can i borrow this chair...and me being me not really paying attention i go sure...take it...and th girl turns around and says....if you get bored come join us...lol...now i wasnt really paying attention jaimee swears she was directing it at me...after the girl leaves jaimee is like...the lesians dont leave u alone do they? lol (major exaggeration there) and then heres the best news jaimee is going to be doing a 14 day trial at my gym and may even join it ! She is on holidays the first week of may so gonna do the trial then and gonna try and go at times i go so we can do some workouts and maybe some classes together...that would be so cool...so im very very excited about that.

So my scales this morning have jumped up 2.6 kilos - ooops ! A lot of that will be flui retention so its a walk today...and being fanatical about my food for the next few days...have a good day all

I'm SO happy !

About a month ago i mentioned on my journal a top i saw at katies...it was so pretty and feminine,,,,and it didnt just hang...it came done...was gathered at the hips then had a lil bit of a skirt type to it...i loved it....was $60 tho and i wasnt sure it would look any good on me. Anyway as i have Ryans birthday tonite....i thought i will go into katies and see if they have it still...so i wandered around the regular priced stuff...couldnt see it...went up to the top floor where all the reduced stuff is...looking thru rack after rack thinking it wont be here and i dont see anything else i like...when i spotted the material......so whipped over to it...my gawd theres only one...what size dammit...size 22 .... omgggggggg -prays- so i dash off to the dressing room...and it FITS ! but the best news? it was only $24.95! i also bought a pink tshirt for $9.95 hehe so happy...and its not a tight fit...it fits nice...if they had other sizes i mite have tried on a size 20...so it was all totally exciting and i cannot wait to wear it tonite.

Then i went to the gym...did 15 minutes on the treadmill...just as fiona asked...did level 3.4 and a incline of 6.5 my heart rate was at 130's so i obviously need the incline even higher (hope i dont slide off the bloody thing) then i did 15 minutes on the fat burner program at level 5 on the bike....then *drumroll* i listened to jody and tried the epileptical machine....save your applause people i only lasted 2 minutes LOL...but i will work on that and build it up.

I will try and take a pic tonite and upload it tomorrow....have a good saturday all !

Fridayyyyyyyyy

Well finished work at 3pm then scooted off to the grocery store and did the shopping...im loving how when i cut out the processed crap the bill drops down...i bought lots of meat, fresh fruit, vegetables and even a biggest loser pedometer (counts calories expended apparantly) and all for less then $140 yay :)

I discoverred something today...i dont have to turn on my side when entering toilet cubicles now so i fit in ;) front on baby and i pretty much do it with ease.

After the shopping i thought RIGHT time to sort out my wardrobe a lil so i finally went thru it and grabbed out some clothes i know no longer fit me...so will pop them on ebay tomorrow...hopefully make a lil cash.

Dinner tonite was low fat pasta carbonara yum yum...I am about to go have a shower then while watching biggest loser i will have my apples, sultanasand low fat cream for dessert.

Tomorrow i am gyming it in the morning...tomorrow nite i am going to Ryans birthday. Me and Jaimee are meeting up before hand and planning to go out to dinner before hand...Ryan being the anal gay boi he is told jaimee we have to be their 9am sharp ! I said to jaimee...why do the blow up dolls arrive at 9.05pm hehe cant wait to see his sassy butt...havent seen him for nearly 3 months.

Okies have a fab friday nite...im off to get in the shower to warm this body of mine up !

RIGHT....action jackson !

Over the last 2 weeks or so my head has played major games...i felt pressured...i was starting to feel pressured by some peoples expectations, i was putting myself under pressure by thinking im nearly under 130 i MUST go take driving lessons (something which the process scares me andthe thought of failure scares me), i MUST go take a holiday and try and fit my ass in a plane seat, why if i am nerly under 130 why am i still wearing size 26's (yes they are getting loose tho), fiona wanting me to start using the treadmill has been worrying me...what if i cant handle the incline high enuff to get my heart rate up...what if i roll my ankle...what if i fall??? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? but after giving myself a good talking too ;) what if i dont fall??? I hadnt been thinking about that...i had been purely thinking i am going to fall....what the hell? As fiona said...im focussed, positive and as she said this week....i can do more then i think....im not a weakling ive proven this week after week in my sessions with her...i may out of habit think i cant do this and i cant do that but in reality i CAN... i may at times be slower...or not as strong...and other times i may be strong...i mite even be fast...but i seriously have done awesome at the gym...after thinking 15 steps on a stepper would kill me 8 months ago to doing pushups on a bar...i CAN do it...when i started training with fiona i promised myself i wont say can't, no or miss sessions....and guess what? I dont do any of these things...(drives her a lil nutty sometimes i think cos i will never tell her if something hurts...i refuse to use pain as a excuse in our sessions) and yes i am getting close to being under 130....the official weigh in this morning was 133 kilos....but guess what??? its a number ! thats it....i refuse to allow that damn number negative or positive be a controlling factor on my mental state...i have been doing the whole poor pity me thing for the last few weeks and especially the last few days...my only focus over the next few weeks is gonna be conquering that damn treadmill...i will go buy a ankle support bandage tomorrow...and saturday i will do body pump followed by a minimum of 20 minutes on the treadmill...i will go slow....but i will work on that incline with the aim getting my heart rate aroun 150 on a constant basis. Sunday i will do my 3.5km walk. My diet is going to continue as it has been with the limited process foods. I am going to skip felicitys birthday tomorrow nite...and ill see about ryans birthday saturday nite (i will prolly go to this one presuming i feel fine). Its time to take control again...enough of being pathetic kazz...time to kick some ass...

Adelaide Girls

Is anyone interested in doing the 4km Mothers day classic walk? Its on sunday May 10...if anyones interested leave me a comment or email me at princesskaryn@optusnet.com.au I am interested in doing it but not on my lonesome here is a link with some info about the adelaide one click here maybe if a few of us gals did it we could do lunch afterwards?

Uh oh got a virus

So im home today...lets go back to yesterday....finished work at 3pm and headed home...debated should i or shouldnt i go for a walk....anyway decided yes so walked 3.58 kms...took me about 50 minutes and when i got home i was dead...i was tired, sweaty and my feet hurt...but i only had 10 minutes before i had to go and shower and get ready for the gym...i woulda loved to skip it...i was so tired but i went...anyway got there...and was there 30 minutes early...so i got on the bike and cycled at a VERY slow place. Then I did my PT session...i was dragging ass...i was so tired. But I did do the session...when we did the single rows ... which im doing 15 kilos fiona was like karyn i didnt even expect u would do weights this heavy ! lol then we did the stabilising exercise which is standng on these things heres a link so theres 2 of them next too each other...thn i stand one foot on each and do squats...initially i did them in front of a bar to hold on too...then she said...try and take ur hands off the bar...i was like i dont think thats possible...so fiona got on them and did them and so i was like oh okay it is doable....so then i tried taking my hands off the bar...and it seemed to go okay....so anywayyyyyyy (gawd i ramble) she puts the half ball things in the middle of the gym with nothing to hold on to but her arm lol now so i get up and start doing them and shes like....u can hold on to my arm if u need too...grabbing onto it isnt a sign of weakness...but guess what? I did it ! In the first series of them (i do 12 squats each set) i did lose my balance once and stepped off....the second set i again lost my balance but without stepping off or grabbing fionas arm i did rebalance myself...and fiona was sooooooo impressed....she was like thats the best thing we have accomplished this 6 weeks...that has so much impact then the higher weights...she then said...i hope that has put a tick in the column in ur brain where u think u cant do things but u actually can lol.

THEN she saidso when are u coming to the gym this week? I was like...well...ive been walking outdoors more but i will come and do bodypump on saturday....so she was like....why arent u using the treadmill? I said...i hate it...it petrifies me...she is like is this about balance? i said im CONVINCED i am gonna roll over my ankle and fall down and smack my face...so she said...i dont care if u dont use the treadmill cos it doesnt float ur boat...but i dont want u not using it out of fear .... so she was like i want you to start using the treadmill again...going slower but with a higher gradient...so im like okay (altho i think i was giving those gawd damn treadmills a filthy look lol) then as i was walking out of the gym she said...dont forget...treadmill on a incline lol...so guess i gotta use that damn treadmill?

Anyways so i then left....and i swear i was gonna throw up...i felt so ill...i didnt even have the energy to put my mp3 player on...so i came home and pretty much went straight to bed. This morning i still feel lethargic...so i went to the docs...he puts my name in the computer and a pop up comes up saying "abnormal bloodtest" so he has a look and tells me my ESR is high (googled it and its to do with plasma in ur blood cell and from what i gathered tends to suggest inflamation) so anyway i tell him how im feeling and i say i think i over did it yesterday...so he is like...no i think u have a virus but u feel worse cos of the exercise...he said i dont want u to cut back on the exercise...but at the same time remember the toll it can take. So he has told me to leave exercise till the end of the week...so i wont exercise today and tomorrow and then i will go to the gym friday nite,,,,,with the plan of 20 minutes on the goddamn treadmill...20 minutes on the bike....5 minutes on the rower...then SOMEONE (jody) has suggested recently i try to start working up the epileptical trainer...i have done it recently on level ZERO and i last one minute LOL i will aim on friday for TWO minutes...lets take things slowly LOL The rest of the day i am planning to rest,,,,and make suretomorrow i am feeling great...have a good day all

Dies...

I have completely overdone it today to the point where i walked out of the gym and felt like i was going to throw up. I know overdoing it has affected my iron levels...i feel just like i did 5 weeks ago...so i will leave this short and sweet...i need sleep...and some food..nite all

Sleepy...

Well worked till 8pm last nite went home, had dinner was in bed by just before 10pm and what happens? The damn neighbours decide its the perfect time for a domestic...which would have been fine except I had to start work at 7am this morning...so I am a lil tired today, but im made of tuff stuff i'll survive it. I finish work at 3pm then heading home and out for my 3.58km walk then home to cook some dinner so its ready for when i get home from the gym and then off to the gym for my PT session. Thankfully tomorrow i dont work till noon so the princess can have a sleep in lol.

Yesterday afternoon i was walking in the office and my boss was a few steps behond me then called out to me and said "is that calf muscles i can see?" now not sure my calves feel the same to me...but it is a good thought lol bring it on lol

Its 7.40am and i have already downed 600 mls of water ... another 1200 mls and i will be done for the day (have u gathered im not a huge water fan?)

This weekend is going to be a busy one. Friday nite is felicitys bday celebrations...its at mojo west which just gets way too crowded for my liking...so i will go in stay for a couple of hours but i ahve every intention of being home by 10.30pm LOL...saturday morning i am planning to do body pump followed by body balance and then saturday nite is Ryans birthday which i am going to with Jaimee...i have invited Leigh as well but havent checked with her if she is still planning to come along.

Good ole tom is coming to visit me again soon...had the occassional stomach pain yesterday and its back again today so im guessing will get it in the next week or so...so will have to be very careful and also if those scales start to fluctuate remember its cos of TOM

Not too much else to say...off to do some work...hurry up 3pm LOL

Easter Monday...

Well goodness me easter is over for me as I am back at work. I bought a book in in the hope it may be quiet but I may have jinxed myself as I have just heard a whisper we are busy :(

Slept in till 10am, i did wake at 7.30am...normal weighing time and the scales said 133.9 ! So if things continue thruout the week (and dont fluctuate blah) i may be headed for a very nice loss this week.

Didnt exercise this morning...my shoulder is still sore (really getting over it now) I will tell fiona tomorrow nite and with luck she may concentrate on it when she gives me my massage ;) Of course tomorrow nite is my last week in my current program...she told me a few things she was planning to get me to do last week for this week lol so think i may end up a lil sore.

Theres really not too much else to say - oh except tania - grand junction road are u crazy woman??? And yes a sunday get together sounds good...i have the next 4 sundays free then work the next 3 (thnk the first one is weekend starting may 17) then another 4 sundays off...so lemme know what works for you...okies off i go !

******************************

I have been sitting here reading threads over at jillians site...one has me very interested and its a thread on jills new book. Basically the essence of her new book is eat organic, cut out chemicals and your hormones will balance out and you will master your metabolism. I ahve been listening to jills show for a while now and slowly been doing it without really realising it, i always eat free range eggs, the ham i get from foodland is organic. Basically in jills book which i am hoping to get this week...its a case of if it doesnt ahve a mother or grow in the ground...dont eat it. Do i think i could make small changes over a period of time and do this? In all honesty no...there are somethings i just wont give up...but i think there are lots of ways where it can be improved with myself. I really have not been eating much processed foods lately. Prolly the most processed (apart from yesterdays easter egg lol) is bread or my vita weets. But not having all the ww snack type foods i havent missed in all honesty, s piece of cheese as a snack or my stewed apples...i love love love. And i figure if i find foods that i love in these guidelines then it will work. For the first time ever i have used over a dozen eggs in less then 14 days. Normally i would only buy a 6 pack of eggs and that would last me a month...but i do like them and they are filling and surprise surprise not processed hehe. I really adore the tip top 9 grain bread with pumpkin seeds...its one of the yummiest breads i think i have ever had, so i am loving eating them too. But that said there are some things i wont give up. I NEED my pepsi max i know i said ages ago i would give it up...but guess what? no can do i dont think you need to cut EVERYTHING out and regardless i am still eating so much better then 4 months ago. I was sitting here earlier and looking and the part of my legs above my knees...they are looking slimmer...my upper thighs are still huge but i am seeing some changes which is so very exciting.

I just had the craziest conversation with my boss. She asked me if i am still doing ww...i explained now im doing calories..and she asked how many? i was like 1764 calories today presently and she is like...i need to lose weight but the only way i can lose weight is to eat under 500 calories....OMG people seriously how stupid can some people be ! Then i said well 1700 calories i dont eat that much really...im like a scrambled egg with a slice of toast for breakfast, ham sandwich 4 lunch, 4 vitaweets, plus my dinner...and she goes....that sounds like a lot of food. REALLY???? Its not a lot of food...its a healthy amount of food...big bloody difference...she dieted many years ago i remember she just ate salad and soup...and then ended up in hospital sick as a dog surprise surprise. So anyway i was like noooooooooo you gotta eat at least 1200 calories. She then asked me about my gym...turns out she is thinking about trying my gym out (just what i need seeing my boss at the gym !) Seriously with all the info on healthy eating why do people say they can only lose weight if they eat 500 calories or less. Okies...steps off my soap box lol off to a meeting....enjoy

So dayam proud...

...without even realising it....I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week...every day except wednesday...I have NEVER done that before...and you know what? It wasnt that hard ! Fitting walks in on the days I cant get to the gym is working really weall for me. And speaking of walks...my sweaty revolting self just got home from a 3.58km walk (for those who know my place...i walked from my place to regency road and back again -dies)... omg i feel so buggered right now...but so good and glad. I am sure fiona is gonna ask what exercise i did this weekend due to our chat last week.....wait till i tell her i walked every day...yay me !

I have been rather good today...the gym emailed us yesterday said...have one medium egg or one hot cross bun..so i had one egg...the gym said i COULD ! LOL And i dont feel guilty at all...im completely embracing this healthy lifestyle...and its all about moderation.

I found a new addiction :( and no its not chocolate ! lol but that damn uno game on facebook...just like the real thing i freaking love it haha

I am working tomorrow and need to dig up a book...im sure we will be quiet being easter monday...but look out tuesday...we will be flat out like a lizard drinking.

Tonite for dinner i am making a favourite meal of pesto pasta havent had it inso long with a lil bit of feta cheese followed by my current fave after dinner snack....stewed apples with sultanas heated with some light cream yum yum

Okies off i go....i feel uno calling me haha but shhhhhhhhhhh dont tell no one ;)

Happy birthday.....

...to my journal ! 3 Years ago today I started my journal...did I seriously think I would still be writing in it and still focused on this journey 3 years later?? Nah not really lol but i AM so its great.

My shoulder is still sore...im seriously pissed i so wanted to go to the gym today and do body pump or body balance but i am worried about making it worse. So i am doing the heating pad thing at the moment...i need it to be better by tuesday....other wise if i dont go to PT fiona will think Im not going cos im ditching the gym and have lost my focus...so NEEDS to get better.

Onto some good news...i lost 1.2 kilos this week ! YAY taking me down to 134.4kilos and total loss of 36.5 kilos (just got over 80 pounds jody !) Yesterday i did do my walk i thought it was 1.72kilometres but was actually 1.72 miles...did it in about 36 minutes dunno if thats good or not...but the good news is my foot has no additional pain. So since i prolly wont go to the gym...i will go for a walk...the one im going today is 1.99 miles or maybe i should use today to go to the pool? Its a thought but i dont think im brave enough for the pool lol If I do the walk today...its 2.8 kilometres...not bad since for the virtual triathlon I wanted to do 3 kilometres...on the treadmill at the gym i can only manage about 1.5 kilometres...but thats prolly cos i have a gradient on it (better for my heel) still im impressed.

The other nite during PT....me and fiona were using one of the fitness rooms which is huge and we were alone...then her royal hawtness comes in...turns the music on and was singing and whatever....and fiona asks do i wanna go elsewhere....im like thinking...are u crazy? hahah ;)

Happy Easter

Well I feel much better today ! (altho the scales are fluctuating like a crazy woman) Have been pottering around the house doing dishes etc..one load of washing done...second one on at the moment so relatively productive.

I feel much better in my mindset again thankfully...onwards and downwards...and bugger everyone else ;) what fiona said last nite (i didnt post all) was exactly what i needed to hear)

My upper back is a lil sore today ... yesterday while sliding on my skirt i think i jiggled wrong...so put a lil deep heat on it earlier and seems better so far. That was crazy wearing that skirt and new knickers yesterday...those knickers will take some getting use too...and well the skirt and being lady like did my head in LOL

I am just cooking a baked potato at the moment...this afternoon I am going on my 1.72km walk...and tomorrow i will be at the gym...if my back is ok i will do body pump...if not i will aim for 1.7km on treadmill...3kmon bike and 800 metres on treadmill.

My gym charged me incorrectly this week...they should have charged me eithr $170 or $188 but they charged me $106...i know it was around this pay i was suppose to be starting my new contract...which means would be $170 if they only take out $106 next pay day ill ring em and tell em...i dont wanna rip em off nor do i want a big bill 6 months down the track ! All else is going well hopefully my back settles down as i have had a headache since yesterday...which i am guessing is related to my back.

Fingers crossed for a loss tomorrow...considering its been a wacky week with my mindset...any loss i will be happy with.

I had a good talking too...

...by Fiona....went to the gym tonite....did the boxing session handled it quite easily. Then at the end of the session we got talking...i told her what had prompted my self doubt (was a couple of comments by a couple of people but im not gonna go into the comments) anyway...fiona starts saying wonder why these people think they have the right to put u under pressure or be negative about your journey...then she was like...notice im talking about them not u? Then she told me what i prolly already knew but i guess i needed to hear it...she just reiterated to me this is my journey....and regardless of the gym, fitness levels, weight loss...whatever...my life is headed where i want it. She then said...every time u see me u get a bit happier...your positive...your doing well...your getting fitter...and that i am the one in control of my weight loss journey not anyone else...and i guess i lost that thought in the last 24 hours that i only let someone else control it if i allow them too. Then she was like so even tho i am away most of next what days are u coming in wednesday and thursday...so i told her....and she was like...good i mite be in sydney but i will have my spies out keeping me up to date on ur whereabouts lol so all in all im glad i spoke to her...just needed to get it straight in my head.

Tomorrow i am going to try a walk...not a long walk...just 1.72km to be exact

Thats about all...just about to call it a nite...

Uh oh....

I wasnt planning to do a post today, about the only thing I was planning to do was text fiona and say i wasnt going to make it to the gym tonite. I dunno what happened but i had a "blah" nite...i dunno whether its the realisation of having lost nearly 40 kilos or being under 130 kilos or me just being me and just having a down time...(i do have em at times im not always ms positivity lol) I ended up cooking a packet of lite microwave popcorn with that bloody popcorn butter that is so high in salt its not funny and of course i went up a kilo over nite...self sabotage at its best? It was weird I even started thinking...with me only doing oen PT session next week....maybe this is a good time for a break from the gym...then i started thinking with this 3 days off i have after tomorrow perfect time for me to not exercise and just think (which for me usually means overthink) today....im trying not to focus on it all...and just DO. Hopefully whatever hump my mind is on at the moment i will get over.

On to other things....who is wearing size 22-24 knickers - yes ME. They are cute...like boy ones ... think theyre called boy short legs or something...its so nice not to be wearing granny undies tho ! LOL when i got them i unfolded them and thought oh they are too small...so was a lovely surprise when they fitted. The other thing is ...i am wearing a SKIRT yes ME lol its taking some adjusting tho...being lady like is hard...the skirt sits just about my knees with a split and well...yanno holding your legs closed is actually hard work ! lol So with these new knickers (which feel strange and I am having to adjust regularly) plus this skirt...its all very very strange.

But yes I am off to the gym...hopefully my session with fiona and kicking and punching will help me get me refocused completely. Not that I am off track...I am on track just not focused like i normally am.

Have a good easter all

Wednesday

Well feel like I have a bit of a cold...sore ear, foggy head. I was just saying about it to someone at work and they were like oh u are gonna be sick over easter...i was like no i wont...i have a new immune system - i dont get sick no more ! lol (i wont mention he asked if i bought my new one on ebay hehe) so im getting the soothers into me today and once i get home tonite gonna snuggle under my quilt and have chicken soup for dinner and hopefully kick what ever germ i got in the ass ! So today is be kind to kazz day and anyone who isnt i will beat up lol just kiddinggggggggggggg

I was doing some reading last nite on different treadmill workouts etc and i discoverred that walking on the treadill on a incline is good for planter fasttisis no wonder i dont get pain when on the treadmill as i pretty much always have some incline due to the fact im scared shitless of the treadmill and going fast lol

Chocolate just landed on my desk in the form of two eggs and a rabbit ! My good ness...226 calories for 40 grams...and theres 160 grams....so i think tonite i will be breaking it up into bags of 40 grams.

Okies off i go...im sure im suppose to be doing some kind of work here today hehe ! toodles !

Gym day !

I am feeling so good today...jumped on my scales as per normal and i wont jinx myself by saying what the scales said but i am headed for a really good loss this week. I think calories works perfectly for me and specially that with each time i log my weight it readjusts my calories, also i think the fact with calorie king i am trying to really focus on getting 30% protein and 40% carbs is really helping too...I havent once hit 30% of protein but my protein has increased so it must have been very low before. And with the scales showing a decent loss its made me think...holy hell im getting close to 40 kilos lost and more importantly getting close to being under 130 kilos. Weighing 129.9 kilos or less seems a dream...seems unbelievable...last time i was around that weight is at least 7 years ago...that seems LIGHT...i know it isnt...but to me that seems so normal and so much lights...i mean it seems amazing to me to think i weighed in at 150.8 kilos in late december and by saturday i should be under 134 kilos...thats amazing.

Its not just starting to think under 130 kilos....i never in a million years woulda thought i wanted to run or wanted to do pushups...but guess what? I do! Running the process of it....seems so freeing...to do pushups ... i would feel so strong...i know both these things are still a long way away...fiona has told me we are working towards doing push ups...and i am guessing in the next program which we will start in 2 weeks will have me attempting a step closer to them. I tried last nite just being in the position of being on my toes andholding myself on my arms....the interesting thing was...not only was it hard....but i knew my posture was wrong...she has been drilling that into me at our sessions and i knew my ass was too high in the air (lovely visual I know lol)...ive been reading on some sites about starting running too..i know on biggest loser they run when bigger then me...but theres no way id try it at the moment...but when i get down to around 125 kilos...i may be tempted to try and work towards that...at that point i may talk to fiona...and get some guidance...

The other funny thing is most the time i have confidence i can do this stuff...but occassionally i loose it...this morning i was thinking about the pushups...and suddenly unconsciously my brain overtook me....and i was my old self thinking i cant do this...i'm a weakling...i don't belong at the gym...im not sure what set it off...but...i very quickly shook my head and walked out of the room and thought...course i can...but it shows u...u cant get cocky and i rally need to continually work on my self belief in regards to this. I did ballet as a kid but i always sucked at athletics type things...i couldnt run...i hated cross country days...and athletic days...and i think those feelings of as a teenager come over me...but i didnt care back then...i had no desire to run or whatever but i actually desire to be strong and fit now....and i have NEVER ever had that desire before lil own whilst on any weight loss journey...and thats what makes me KNOW this time is different.

I posted a thread on the ww forum yesterday saying lets do a virtual triathlon (yes i POSTED it lol dont die of shock!) anyway so i suggested by the last week in may we do 3km's on the bike, 3kms walking and 2kms rowing. So today off to the gym i went....i cycled at level 5 3kms in 6.17 minutes...i then went on the treadmill...ive not done a lot of walking remember,,,i upped the incline to 2 and the speed got up to 4.3 and i did 1.5kms in just under 23 minutes...i off course will try and build this up to 3kms by end of may...and then i did 600 metres on the rower which i obviously need to build on as well. When walking my heart rate was at 140-145 which was great but the funniest thing is i did it after the bike and was sweating like mad...anyway some sweat fell on my eyelash hhahahahha omg do u know how annoying that is? lol and cos im so scared of the treadmill i didnt wanna wipe it LOL

Anyway back to work tomorrow...for two days anyways LOL...then a 3 day weekend wooo hooooo

PS jody 3kms is 1.864113576712 Miles and 2kms is 1.2427423844747 Miles (hows that for accuracy ! LOL)

Day off YAY!

My gawd it was freezing this morning...even had to pull out my dressing gown...which i noticed doesnt gape ! Fits me rather nicely. Got on the scales...and woot i was a kilo lower then i was on saturday ! I am so happy i think i may be over this lil fluctuation and may even get under 134 kilos by saturday which would be awesome.

Went to the gym this morning...had a PT session...fiona told me next week as its the last week of the current program she is going to push me to the edge - this does not sound good ! Specially as she was kicking my ass today anyway...she increased the single rows to 15 kilos ! holy hell ! I was doing 7 kilos only 4 weeks ago... She also had me coming up on my toes when i come out of my one legged squats....im expecting very sore calves tomorrow ! lol Turns out she is having 6 days off next week so i will only get one PT session and we decided to not rearrange a time for it but instead leave it in reserve for the next time my weight slows down we can then do a hour of boxing (gawd forbid - her suggestion !) to help kick the weight loss along.

Tomorrow i am planning to do a lunch time class of body balance and then im off to the book shop and fingers crossed jillians book is in.

I stopped into katies today and saw this gorgeous top. I have two birthdays coming up on the weekend of the 17th...Ryans and felicitys so i need at least one new top...it was really cute and girlie...just a bit worried it may make me look hippy but when i go in tomorrow i mite try it on and then make a decision. I also need to buy some boots...I would LOVE some knee high ones but i suspect my calves may be too big for that.

Tonite i am having tacos ! I dont have them often cos the seasoning has a lot of sodium but with this cold weather it seems like a goer to me hehe

I was surfing the net this morning...found some gorgeous images of one of my long time fave models...shes a french gal...laetitia casta...stunning stunning to have a body like hers would be awesome (and yes jody these were NEW images so she must have modelled recently) she has the best bustline and and like a 10-12 body...nice nice heh

Okies just about dinner time...need to get cooking the tacos...enjoy all

Another NSV

Well I had a bit of a NSV (non scale victory) last nite..when my sister was here last she was driving my mums hubbys car...anyway i got in the front passenger seat and the seat belt did up WOOT! At the time i thought oh the seat must be back further then normal or something. Then last nite got in the taxi to go home...sat in the back seat and tried the seat belt - IT DID UP ! This morning...same thing IT DID UP ! omg i know it sounds weird but this is exciting...another step closer to being normal...i am paranoid enuff in cars without the fear of a accident when im not wearing a seatbelt...so thats really nice that i can feel safer in the cars now.

Was a bit strange with daylight savings ending...the good news is the scales dropped 500 grams over nite ! This was the closest i had come to my calories (should be on 1770 i have been having up to about 1600 most days but yesterday managed 1700 calories) so im gonna try and keep the calories between 1700 and 1770 and see if that helps...i am just hoping tomorrow im 135.1 or lower....that will mean i may be on the road to stopping fluctuating.

Today I am working (joy o joy lol) hurry up 8pm as I am then off for 2 days...YAY and apart from PT n gym visits i dont have too much planned.

Okies off to do some work enjoy ur sunday all

Oh I'm sad....

...I have this tshirt...it was Angs and when she initially went home she left it behind for me....is a ralph lauren tshirt anyway initially i packed it away in my "ang box" and it stayed there for several years then last year i pulled it out and it was firm fitting, anyway this shirt has been my guage, it now fits me so nicely, its loose without being too loose....plenty of room to move but you can still easily see my body shape in it (which i am guessing helps fiona), its also the shirt which when im on those damn bikes thinking can i last another 10 minutes that i look down at and think u betch i can...but ive just noticed its got a hole :( Part of me thinks ok time to wash it up pack it away where it belongs (its one top i would never get rid off) another part of me says just wear a black tank top under it and keep wearing it...so so sad..cos really good tshirts are so hard to get especially in large sizes...and well lol when you score a tshirt for free which is ralph lauren no less who am i to complain ! LOL...maybe its time to pack it away...mite go up to target this week and look for some new ones

Its saturday !

Weighed in this morning and lost 800 grams so quite impressed about that. I have been fluctuating quite a bit this week...my weight this morning was 135.6, but its been up and down each day this week varying between 135.2 and 135.8, but im not concerned...i know im working out, i know my eating has been good...only thing lacking until a couple of days ago is my water but im back onto that. I am noticing whenever i have a day where i eat a bit of processed food i pick a bit...days where i am sticking to mostly processed foods that doesnt happen...hmmm...

I am finding jillian michaels forum not very friendly...i think in all honesty the WW forum is much friendlier !

Ive just managed to wing a shift swap for good friday YAY which means i have monday and tuesday off...work wednesday and thursday then friday, saturday and sunday off ! Wooot ! Im practically like a normal person haha

Just waiting on a text message from fiona at the moment...i wanna do PT during the day on monday or tuesday during the day instead of a evening session this week...no use being out in this dark (since daylight savings ends tonite)

My manager mary just came back to work today after 3 weeks away anyway she just said to me she can really tell a difference in me just in the last 3 weeks...she said my body shape has changed more and can see it a lot on my waist and shoulders...so despite the scales not exactly playing along with me...what im doing is obviously working ! So is all good...okies off to do some work....enjoy all

La la la la

Seriously i want a sleep in ! LOL i am so looking forward to tomorrows sleep in. Just got a text from fiona...she looked at the photos and her response was "OMG! photos are amazing" hehe

Tonight after work i am off grocery shopping, im hoping i make it to the chemist in time i wanna buy a strap for my ankle...its not that its injured or anything but it feels weak when im on the treadmill which makes me think i am going to roll over on it...so even tho it may be psychological i wanna try and take that worry out.

Depending what time i wake tomorrow i may go do RPM but im tired so i need a good sleep in so may not make it. Monday and tuesday I am off...so monday I am planning to go to the lunch time class of body pump and tuesday i have my PT session in the evening. Apart from that dont have a real lot to do on my days off, altho i may venture down to the gardening store. The other thing i need to do and keep putting off is i really need to start sorting out my clothes ! LOL Any stuff thats too large but good quality Ill wash up nice and put on ebay anything not in good condition will get ditched.

I did ask Leigh if she wants to go to Ryans bday with me (strictly as friends!)so appears she is going to come out for a few drinks that weekend !

That was one ass kicking...

...except I wasnt doing the kicking ! LOL OMG fiona kickedddddddd my ass tonite...i got to the gym early...did 15 minutes on level 4 on the bike (highest level i had previously done) followed by 8 minutes at level 5. Then we went and did the boxing session...every week the boxing is getting harder...between the combos fiona had me running up and down on a step i think for like 45 seconds or something OMG i was dying hahahah.... she was like do u wanna drink or cold flannel (being the hero i like to think i am im like no) by about 15 minutes when she asked me i was like pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee !!! Then she was like reminding me i need to drink my water lol i kinda think if i can get thru this session with no water or cold flannel well im a hero and not focussing on the fact i need to stay hydrated. At the end of the session she asked if i was happy with the level we are going at...she said..I am happy with it but if your not happy we can step it up LOL my gawd ! I was dying...I think i may have looked at her like she was talking alien speak hahahhah. I somehow suspect the scales should move tomorrow morning too ! like holy crap...lol. When i walked into the gym today sarah was on the desk (the girl who introduced me to the body pump trainer on saturday) and she was like how was ur first body pump class? Well i told her i preferred it to RPM LOL and then she talked to me a bit and was saying doing the smaller weights will be a good complement to the resistance training i do with fiona...then coralie the manager came out and sarahs like...karyn did her first body pump class on saturday...and coralie was like how did it go? i was like i was a lil sore in my shoulders but not too bad...shes like yeh cos your already conditioned to weights...and then she was like your a machine hahahahha (slight exageration im thinking !) But a good nite at the gym...and do yas get why i love my gym??? So damn supportive

I thought a lil more about the needing more protein...i think i will add a slice of low fat cheese to my sandwich and i think i will also buy some cheese triangles and have with some sultanas as a snack. That should bring my calories up without eating crap food...and eating things i like !

And Anita - thank you for a lovely comment =] its always surprising who finds my journal and that I dont ALWAYS seem like a raving lunatic lol

Oh getting up early after 10 days off is not so easy LOL. Thankfully tomorrow is my last early for a few days...sat and sunday i start at noon and then monday and tuesday i am off...so YAY.

The scales were up 800 grams this morning...not sure why...i ate nothing wrong yesterday...i was very warm over nite and still felt like it when i woke so im guessing maybe its some fluid retention...but i dont care i know im on track. Tonight i have a PT session of boxing...last week i remember there were several points where i felt like i was dying...hopefully that doesnt occur tonite lol i'd actually like to kick ass tonite ! I am pondering over my food a lil....ive noticed a difference since back at work...as ive said before im trying to get my calories break up be 40% carbs, 30% fat and 30% protein. Which when i was at home worked as i'd have a scrambled egg with spinich and cheese for breakfast and maybe a slice of toast and then lunch would be a baked potato or a sandwich. But since being back at work my breakfast has changed to 3 weetbix...which means by the time ive had lunch my carbs are at 60%...so i am pondering about whether to start to bring in a raw egg and some cheese and chuck it in the microwave for a few minutes to make a scrambled egg...not really how i like my scrambled eggs lol but it might be doable. Anyone got any other ideas for protein that i can eat at work? My only other thought is maybe try a protein shake for breakfast a couple of times per week...maybe even fernwoods drink...i use to like it and its very rich in vitamins and minerals. So decisions decisions

Not much else to say...busy day at work...enjoy all !

Back to it all !

Well here i am back at work...

Mystery number one ! Who left me a sweet lil note on my desk ! Someone came in to check their payslip and left me a lil note saying they couldnt believe the day they came in was the day i was off...i was like who left this note ! Cos of course its unsigned ... ive got it down to 2 people...one is a guy whose on a 5 month career break and one is a guy who is transferring to sydney...both adore me (of course! LOL) but no matter who was very sweet!

I came into work today and there was one of those lil wrist bands on my desk...and it says on it "we believe anythings possible" and its so funny cos jillian said this quote the other day which was "impossible is my favourite word" so they kinda go together.

No gym today...having a rest...my shoulder muscles are quite sore. Tomorrow nite i have my boxing PT session. And I am hoping they arent sore by then otherwise i am gonna be quite pathetic lol

I am really liking the counting calories still not once since i have been doing them have i got close to going over my calories...i have not eaten much processed food which helps as well of course...yesterday i even had a slice of swiss cheese on my sandwich (yummmmmmmmmm) and i still came in about 150 calories under points. The scales are moving so i am not going to get too concerned that im 150 calories under. Must admit its nice having the routine back...my breaks are rostered at work so i cant just mindlessly eat at my desk. So im always great for that 2 hours or so between each break, and today i finish work at 4pm, which is nice.

I have written myself completely off the ww site...im not gonna sit here and dribble some chit about my thoughts (dont wanna offend anyone lol) im moving on from ww...it was a great basis for this journey...but i think i have taken a step further then ever before...ive neverstarted to develop muscles...whilst initially it was i wanna look hot going out...now one of the desires is too look hot at the gym in some cute SLEEVELESS workout gear lol...my old manager who i ADORE michael just stopped by my desk (and hes a health nut) and he asked me what is motivating me...and i hadnt really thought too much about that recently...and then i said...u know the better i do .... the more i wanna do...initially it was attempt number 50,000 at weight loss...but now its a combination of things...i want my health...i want a stunning figure...i want to be able to do actual pushups...i wanna be able to run on the treadmill...these are all things that are long ways off but which im working towards...fiona said the other day after we did pushups against the bar...yanno u will be doing them on the floor soon enuff...and i was like yeh i knew that was coming lol...and i want that...i like getting into those resistance sessions and just DOING...the first week or two of the program i prolly stuff around a bit and i think thats me using defence mechanisms to get over the fact of what she wants me to do. The one legged squats i thought she was insane...now theyre hard and she wants me doing them lower but i can do them ofcourse...when i do the single rows know with the free weight i am lifting 12.5 kilos with one lil arm lol we started at 7 kilos...ive increased it by 5.5 kilos...and she even said normally we increase by 1.5 kilos at a time ... this time she just shifted it up by 2.5 kilos taking me too the grand 12.5 kilos...do u get the feeling i like these sessions? That i like feeling strong lol I do its awesome and it is finally clicking to me why others like it so much, Sure i am not a huge fan of sitting on the bike or treadmill but the resistance training is pretty damn awesome and unfortunately the boxing just kills me ! Last week she stood on a bench with her hands up high...and said 10 jabs on each arm (this by itself was enuff to kill me) then she lowered her hands and said ok another 10 with each arm...and after i did that and was ready to crumble in a heap she was like...okies now do all that another 4 times LOL...im not a huge fan of cardio...sweating is not really a thing i like...lol but its bearable in those sessions...okies enuff dribbling about the gym...i hope when i meet my next gf i am as enthralled with her as i am the gym ! LOL...