Monday, April 20, 2009

Sighs

I dont wanna make this post but my head is about to explode and the only thing i can think is maybe if i put this down in writing i will make some sense.

I slept awful last nite...woke up numerous time and also woke up dehydrated....reason for that? The crap eating ive been doing since saturday nite. Woke up...climbed into the shower ad just thought to myself .... ive lost my drive. At work today i could barely concentrate on work....and david even came up to me and asked why are u so quiet today..

So lets see...im scared...its as simple of that. im scared of going unde 130 kilos...im scared of losing me. In some ways i like the fat girl, im comfortable in me and comfortable with the expectations of me (which is prolly very little) I dont wanna be anyones inspiration, i dont wanna be th girl who people point at and say look how much shes lost. I wanna live in my quiet comfortable lil world. I havent been fit and healthy since i was a teenager...i am scared of the social side of losing the weight...whether its girls or friendships or what and the expectations others would have of me. I have always quit when it go too hard...whether it was ballet esteidfords...completing year 12...getting a drivers licence...its always been easier to quit and return to things....without the expectations of others.

This morning i texted fiona and said im gonna take a break and not come to the gym for a few weeks...and then i rang the gym and cancelled this weeks appointments...now i wonder if i did the right thing. Have i sealed my fate to put the weight back on...is it just something i should be persisting with eating within my calories doing all my gym sessions...and just leaving it up to fate as to whether I am successful or not...i am completely at a loss as to what to do ... maybe i should just ring up the gym and rebook in appointments...or maybe the break is the best idea

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

Kazz, darlin', I understand why you're scared. So much of the time, what we look like makes up who we are, and changing one so much is daunting.

But challenge is how we grow -- how we learn about ourselves. If you don't feel up to going to the gym for a few weeks, go walking. Or even just try to maintain while you get ready for the next push.

Don't be afraid of losing weight. The girl underneath is the same girl, regardless of how much you weigh, you may simply be more able to do active things.

Obviously, only you can make the choice about what is best, but if you take a 'break', don't give up. Continue to stay aware, try to stay active, enjoy everything...it's worth it.

I'm sorry that you're so down, and I know you say you don't want to be anyone's inspiration but that's why you are -- people aren't inspired by those who have it easy, they're inspired by people like themselves who just keep going...

Let us know what you decide. We're thinking of you!