Pic Update

Okies i did take a new pic today...i think i can really see a difference...maybe its not as obvious when you look at the picture...but when i put on these pants and top today i was ecstatic at how i looked.




And if you wanna see previous pics you can go
here

JODY

gertie gertie poo...i know u been online to read my journal (im not really a stalker haha!) message me on msn or email me....i miss you chicka and hope all is okay xox

Saturday May 30

What a fab start to the day ! Hugeeeeeeeeee sleep in...pure luxury....i had the most bizarre dream last nite...there was some chick i liked (just for something new haha) anyway i was with my friends and she was wearing this tight red satin dress and was teaching me some dance...then...i was telling robyn and dayne i need to go meet her...and i had to go to the train station to catch a train to central station (which is in sydney for gawds sake !) then i got to the train station and all the elevators and escalators went down only so i couldnt figure out how to get to the station hahah...bizarre im a weirdo what can i say.

Anyway yesterday at work I got a email from the head of the head of the head of the head honchos of the company i work for haha anyway some staff got selected to attend this strategy "thing" on april 12 at the national wine centre (*wink wink) at hickinbotham hall (i think its at the botanical gardens) anyways so i clicked on the invite and it says "dress: casual business attire" eek! I wear jeans and sneakers to work and i dont think they would see that as appropriate hahha so this morning i walked up to target with the goal of looking for some dress pants and even more so crossing my fingers i can find some to fit over my fat ass lol so anyway i picked up some....real nice ones...thick matterial so they hang real nice...no elastic waist band...now i currently wear size 26 jeans altho they are very loose so i picked up size 24 but not convinced i would fit into size 24 i also picked up size 26 well ta daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa size 24 fitted ! They are firm fitting (altho not tight) but they fit and they look nice ! And i got the ones i wanted not the ones i had to have cos they were the only ones that fitted :) My first size 24 pants weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee so very very excited ! And even better they were reduced from $49.99 to $24.99 so even bigger bonus. I then also bought the twilight book...i dunno if i will get into it cos not sure its my type of book but everyone is raving about it so thought i would give it a try.

I am about to get off here and relax with some dvds...i got my new ones from quickflix and i got two more acropolis now dvds YAY so hope u all have a fab saturday...i know i will..

Friday May 29

AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING WORKOUT ! Last nite went to the gym (how unique for me eh? lol) Anyway so i did 30 minutes on the bike at level 4 think monday i will up that level to 5 then fiona came and got me for our workout and to do the new program. Two good things happened...firstly she had a step about half a metre high and while holding weights i had to step up on it then drop one foot back then lift it back on the step and do it 12 times...so anyway i did it and fiona is like hows your heart rate? i was like okay...she was very impressed said its running out of breath is what normally gets people with this exercise and just shows how much my fitness improves. Then she had me sit in front of the weight cable machine on a fitball doing chest press. Now she was like you are going to wobble so i will stand in front of you and if you fall off i will grab the weights. So i get on the ball...no wobbling...do the chest press...still no wobbling HAHA! So shes like ok we need to make this more unstable....so she puts this mat (kinda like a sofa cushion) under my feet and says this will make you more unstable...so i sit down do it again and STILL dont wobble ! lmfaooooooooooooo the word out of fionas mouth was "amazing"...she was then saying to remember in the beginning when you hated the fitball? So to say she was impressed is the understatement of the year...yay yay yay. I then also discussed about the wii with her and she thinks it would be good to incorporate in my life as a additional way of being more active (she actually thinks i should join a sporting group or something but thats another story lol) so thats it the decision has been made i am getting the wii so another two weeks and i will get it. I then went looking at games for it (hehe) my sister also told me about one called my personal trainer which looked rather good and there is also some dance ones that teach you dance moves etc. Fiona was saying even just doing the sports game if you really put effort in i will be getting a workout anyway (she said she played the tennis one so much it hurt to raise her arm when she first got it lol)

She was then telling me how the staff at the gym are working on a display... apparantly (and i did not know this before hand) a lot of the personal trainers have lost a lot of weight. Fiona said some of the journeys are really interesting. And she was saying she herself had lost 28 kilos. So apparantly they are all digging up there old photos so that should be interesting and gives u a different perspective cos i always imagined that fiona had ALWAYS been fit and toned and super healthy.

My sister texted me this morning with a photo of my niece on her FIRST day of school...amazing...can remember when she was just learning to sit up. But she has been busting to go to school for so long so i can imagine she is very excited today...my sister said she wanted to sleep with her backpack last nite hahahah.

I still have a touch of a sore throat...but throat lozenges seem to be keeping it at bay. This weekend i wont be doing heaps. I think sunday arvo may be at the wheaty. Tomorrow i plan on watching dvds and at some point taking the mutts for a walk. Not much else going on...tonite i will hopefully get off my ass and do 30 minutes of Jillians DVD

Have a good friday all xox

Thursday May 28

Well was i counting down the days till i go back to my normal job just yesterday? They went and bloody extended my time doing this job lol so i am now here till the end of next week. Which i have now had to madly text fiona as i had changed my PT to during the day on monday so hopefully i can still get in for a evening time on monday.

Last nite went and weighed in and lost 1.2 kilos :) Cos i am weighing at nite and in clothes and on different scales i was 134.5 last week and 133.3 this week so its all moving and thats the main thing. Turns out i was down on calories a lil...when it said one fruit serve i thought one mandarin lol turns out 2 mandarins is one fruit serve so was down a bit, but we think i was eating too many nuts. So no nuts this week an extra fruit (im gonna start looking like a piece of fruit LOL) and i get desert one nite during the week.

Woke up this morning still feeling a lil off colour. Actually felt like i was gonna throw up and my nose is running...but since arriving at work that all seems to have settled down.

We get our bonus 2 weeks today yayyyyyyyyyyyy heart rate monitor here i come ! Plus i am thinking about getting a wii. I am going to ask what fionas thoughts are. Basically eve wants me exercising every day. Now 4 days per week i am at the gym, i usually walk one day per week (i dont walk every day due to my heel) and last week the other 2 days i did exercise dvds. So i am going to ask fiona her thought on the wii and whether that would be okay or if its better i just stick to the dvds if she says yeh the wii is a good option i mite get the wii with the ea sports game which everyone is raving about on the ww forum and its a cardio one so mite be the way to go, but fiona may say stick to dvds, altho shes always saying doing something i enjoy is important so she may say go for the wii LOL have i confused u all yet?

Mum rang last nite and i told her i am going to leave you $40 and throw out all the crap food in this house LOL she was like that seems like such a waste...but i had told eve about it and she was like...its not worth the risk so i will smash all the food to pieces and crumble it and ditch it LOL

Okies not much else going on and work calls...enjoy ur day all

Wednesday May 27

Well i am feeling much better today, am back at work altho my eyes are still a lil sore and my nose still a bit yucky but im all ok =]

Only 3 days left off this job i have been doing woooooooooo hoooooooooooo roll on the end of the week i am more then happy to go back to my normal job next week....i am still waiting to hear whether i have a 3 or 4 day weekend...fingers crossed its a 4 day weekend.

Tonite i am off to the gym for weigh in...i have been real good ,,,,, till yesterday ! LOL when i am sick i am never overly good with food. I didnt eat till about 2pm and by then i was starving of course...and ended up having a yiros, and i may have found some yummii biscuits in my mums house (gawd damn i told her to hide them !) oh well was only one day and i am back on track today have already drunk 600 mls of water. After i see eve i will do 30 minutes on the bike as well.

Okies nothing else to say...have a good day all

Tuesday May 26

I didnt work today. Woke up during the night coughing and really wasnt feeling so good when i woke and due to my history with bronchitis decided to err on the side of caution. Went to the docs who checked the lump on my back i mentioned a few weeks ago...he agreed its just a fat deposit...makes me wonder how many other fatty deposits i am going to find as i keep losing weight. He then checked me over told me i am congested...gave me some antibiotics in case it doesnt clear in the next day or two...i think tho with a early nite and keeping warm today i should be okay tomorrow. So i skipped the gym rang up bright and early at 6.20am this morning and cancelled it and fiona texted me this arvo to check i was okay (what a good trainer!) Last nites boxing session was full on as always and tomorrow nite is weigh in nite....fingers crossed (on my mums scales i sneaked under 130 kilos this morning but have no idea how that will relate to the gyms scales so we will wait and see)

Jaimee (the blonde in the big pic on my page) messaged me today to ask me to go wedding dress shopping with her ! Yes she is engaged...so thats another nice goal to aim for to be able to wear a nice dress to her wedding in april next year. And wedding dress shopping sounds good...as i told her not like i am about to do that for myself LOL...she is also >this< close to joined my gym hehe told her they are giving away adidas shoes if you join at the moment would love if she joined would be great to have a workout buddy even if we could only manage it once or twice a week.

And its now only 5 weeks till i go to streaky so have been starting to think about that. Even wondering if maybe i should fly,,,,but they are lil planes...and i'd be worried about fitting in their darn seats...mite have to email my sister and get details for the airline that flies there. Okies off i go...time to make some spaghetti bolognaise

Monday May 25

Well been a few days eh? Friday nite i ended up with a very swollen finger, was so swollen kept waking me up and i could actually feel the blood pumping thru it. I tend to occassionally get thise infections on my nails which cause this...so after using the cream on it over the weekend its much better. Its still a lil swollen but not sore at all. Over the weekend i was incredibly lazy and spent most of it watching dvds...3 episodes of L word, 5 acropolis now episodes, my best friends wedding, and father of the bride 1 & 2. Was really nice and relaxing.

Foodwise i was spot on, went out for dinner last nite to the pub...never a good option...but i ordered a hamburger with NO CHIPS was very impressed with me.

Then we went and picked up all my stuff and over to mums since i am there for the next 10 nites. Walked into their house they had had their heater on while out at dinner...there house was like a oven ! OMG its the first nite in ages i have slept with my legs uncovered cos i was so bloody hot. Their taxi to the airport left at 4.45am...i said to mum...dont wake me...so wat does she do? When the taxi turns out she yells out "iannnnn" then says "bye karyn" lmfaooooooooooooo so i was very sleepy this morning ... always hard the first nite or two sleeping somewhere else.

I have decided i am going to give the treadmill a bit of a break. My planter fastisis in my right foot has got worse over the last week or so...so back to the bike. Tonight I have PT just for something new lol...and its boxing tonite so looking forward to that.

OK not much else to say...only another few days till i weigh in again which should be interesting...have a good day all xox

Friday May 22

Well TOM arrived today 29 days after last cycle started my god thats like what someone who doesnt have PCOS should expect and i dont think EVER in my life has that happened. Normally i also have cramps for the 2 weeks leading up to it...i had the odd cramp yesterday that was it and no mood swing...wow im amazed :)

Did PT last nite and it was weights and the last session for the current program. At one point we were doing the boxing moves with dumbbells and when i started doing these i was using 3 kilo dumbbells anyway fiona hands them to me and im thinking chit these weigh a ton so i look on the end where the weight limit is and they say 7 kilos apparantly i glared at fiona when i saw that LOL she was like that look was practically a swear word LOL But anyway im glad this program is over i was never fan of that damn TRX plus i had the neck injury (that said it doesnt mean the TRX wont feature in the next program lol)

Completely on track yesterday...only thing i didnt do was eat the yoghurt and thats cos i forgot to bring it to work but have bought it in today as well as my nuts/seeds so all is good LOL

I am so desperate for a sleep in and so glad tomorrow is a day off. I am gonna go into the gym but as its open till 2pm i am going to sleep in then gym it. Quick flix sent me new dvds yesterday...L word series 4 (the first 4 eps) and acropolis now series 2 (the first 6 eps i think) so i will be sitting down and definitely having some downtime with them this weekend.

DAMN just realised i missed medium last nite :(

Well not much else to say have a good friday all xox

Thursday May 21

I am a lil over work at the moment. I am not doing my normal job for the past few weeks and till the end of next week i have been working in our customer relations group. Which is fine the problem is every customer is grumpy and bitchy and its wearing thin. I will be so glad when the end of next week comes and this stint comes to a end.

Went to the gym last nite and saw eve. Was very interesting. She weighed and measured me and was no real surprises there. Then she also checked my body fat levels. Now last year when i was doing the slim program i was only working out once a week (lazy ass i was) and my body fat over 3-4 months only dropped .8% since then it has dropped 5.5% wooo hooo so previously it was over 55% its now down to 49.5% so was very very happy with that and as eve pointed out obviously the exercise is working.

Then we worked out a plan for this week for exercise and food. So food wise she wants me to change a few things...no tim tams :( a piece of fruit with breakfast, lunch and morning tea. Also some cucumber sticks and humus with my sandwich at lunch. A yoghurt and nuts as well for my mid morning snack (altho i forgot them both today argh after i sat there measuring out the nuts last nite lol) and as i have been eating tim tams in my afternoon break and do like the slim shakes a chocolate slim shake for my afternoon snack. Exercise she wants me exercising 30 minutes minimum every day so the plan we decided on is :

Thursday : PT weights and 30 minutes cardio
Friday : 30 minutes of Jillians DVD
Saturday: 40 minutes cardio at gym
Sunday : 30 minute walk
Monday : PT boxing and 30 minutes cardio
Tuesday : PT weights and 30 minutes cardio
Wednesday : 30 minutes cardio.

Then with those food changes plus the exercise she will see what results i get on the scales next week and see if we need to modify things from there.

Turns out i am house sitting next week for about 11 days. My mums hubby his brother in law is quite sick and while they were planning a holiday to queensland some time in june or july they have now bought it forward as not sure if he will make it (kerry FYI if you havent spoken to mum is big les) he has dementia so quite sad...but anyway i can sleep for quite a few days in peace no listening to the snoring next door LOL i will still pop home once or twice to check mail etc. But a change is as good as a holiday but i am sure i will be more then ready to go home after 10-11 days.

So busy this weekend...i wanna get the living room sorted out and dusted and chit...then i need to pack and make sure i pack properly so i have everything i need while at mums (thank god i can take my lap top this time !) and also some grocery shopping on sunday to ensure she has everything i need in the house.

Tomorrow is my "work anniversary" been with the company 8 years...only another 2 years and i can get my dayam long service leave...bring it on lol xox

Wednesday May 20

While fiona was stretching me last nite we had a interesting conversation and i will preface this by saying until about 10-11 weeks ago i use to get dizzy in every session, in the end i didnt even need to tell fiona she could see it in my face...anyway here was the conversation...

Fiona : are you okay?
Me : Yes i am alright
Fiona : Your always alright lately I kinda miss the days where you had your dizzy spells and had to sit down thruout the sessions
Me : I don't
Fiona : So much has changed since then for you
Me : yeh it has and its not even really that long ago

Its one of those conversations where regardless of what the scales say or even your clothes say you realise your BODY is telling you that you are winning. Add to that fiona said last nite you don't get red in the face as quick as you use to from exertion its all good :)

The other day my friend joe (gay boi) says to me...you need new bras love LOL im like what? hes like they are too big for you now. Anyway so this morning i am getting dressed now on gym days i "double bra" i wear a normal bra with a sports bra over the top (yes i know i am a strange creature) so anyway put on the normal bra and gawd damn joe is right theres a bit of room in the cups...the sports bra is only a 20D (my normal one is a 22DD) and when i put it on over the top i noticed it now fits me perfectly so i am thinking joe is right and its time to go down a bra size. Now i am pretty sure in my house i have a D cup bra SOMEWHERE just gotta find it LOL

So tonite i see eve...YAY will be so good to get weighed and measured and get that accountability back. I wont do a work out cos once i have seen her i wanna stop at the local grocery store and pick up some groceries so busy nite tonite (just for something different lol)

Boxing went well last nite...altho she was very mean as per usual ;) cardio wise she is really killing me in those sessions there is no doubt she is getting my heart rate up where it needs to be.

Everything else is good...thank gawd its wednesday and hump day...i am so ready for a sleep in this weekend

AND OMG !!!! i nearly forgot ! US biggest loser is on channel 10 starting this week after rove ! I saw the commercial last nite and tried to figure out which season...i know its not season 3...im thinking it was series 4...but yay yay yay a weekly dose of jill ;)

Tuesday 19th May

Did weights last nite. We have decided now one week i will do weights - boxing - weights and the following week boxing - weights - boxing. Which means i am pretty sure this thursday will be the final session of this current weights program. Last nite i went the lowest i have been on the TRX was bloody hard but i did it so thats the main thing :)

Did talk to fiona about what i should do on wednesday nites and saturdays. She doesnt wanna give me firm directions cos she thinks its more important i just enjoy it. The only real criteria she sat down was cardio and minimum of 30 minutes. She also wants me constantly challenging myself with it so whether its speed or gradient levels and as she said once i get the heart rate monitor that will be easier to keep a eye on. She has also sent me some links to check for the heart rate monitors. Altho i am pretty sure i will get the FT40. She doesnt want me getting the basic one as she said in a gym environment its too easy to pick up other peoples heart rate. But the FT40 seems to work and that one not only looks nice but would cost after discount around $280.00.

Today i have training for about 5 hours of the day YAY dealing with difficult customers lol. Then tonite boxing. And tomorrow nite see the dietician which i am so glad about. As i have simply been keeping a food diary this week i really havent been great with my food (saying just keep a food diary is like a green light for me) So will be very glad that tomorrow nite ill get weighed and measured and me and eve will work out a food plan for the week ! YAY and start really focusing

I walked in to work today and my boss was like those jeans are getting really baggy...i was like I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ! LOL the funny thing is a few weeks ago i bought a pair of long black leggings for the gym...tried them on at the time....fitted but i thought my thighs look too huge in them. Anyway yesterday morning couldnt be bothered shaving my legs so i thought bugger it i'll wear them (didnt retry them on tho) so they have a really thin barely there waist band which is really strange for me...anyway they are a lil loose for me now...that combined with the lil waist band i was quite convinced the darn things were gonna fall down LOL thankfully they didnt.

Okies well off to do a hour or so off work before this training...have a good day all xox

Start of a new week

Well its a new week ! Chit these weekends fly by way to fast. As per usual PT with fiona tonite...not sure what we are doing will be boxing or the strength program. Spent quite a bit of time yesterday researching polar HRM's. I narrowed it down to 3 models : F7, FT40 & FT60. I think tho I will go for the FT40 one, which the RRP is $349 so with fionas discount i should get for about $280 which works for me. It has everything I want plus its nice looking but I will prolly run it past fiona anyway to see if she thinks thats the model to go for.

I was busy doing lots of housework yesterday, amazingly the kitchen is now all organised and not one bloody dirty dish in the sink i am impressed LOL. The worst was trying to get all my bloody clothes dry. But i had enough dry to get thru today so thats the main thing. We will worry about tomorrow at about 9pm tonite LOL.

My neck/head are heaps better. I havent taken pain killers since thursday. I do feel it slightly at times but nothing major at all. So it healed a lot quicker then the doc said (he said 4-6 weeks) and i hurt it 2 weeks ago last saturday. So the plan is to tell fiona to do the normal program and see how it goes.

Not much else to report...have a good day all

Housework break...

Well i am on a "house work break" hehe so decided to update. Lots been happening here. and first thing is i got a new puter ! OMG so happy with it. My last one was a laptop too but was 18.4 inches weighed a ton and travelling with it was just rediculous. This one is 15.4 inches and when i go to my sisters in July it is the perfect size that i can travel with it. Plus as i am always moving it around the house it is great having one that is so light. It has everything my last one had except not a high definition screen (i only really watched downloaded tv series on it so thats not important) and a extra gig of ram and a larger hard drive so more then happy. So most of yesterday was spent getting it and setting it up.

Today is the big housework day...i really think im blonde sometimes for the 18 months ive lived here i have bitched about the fact that my clothes airer takes up room in my living room...today im like ummmm why dont i put it in the spare room???? lmfaoooooooooo i cant believe how dense i am...so its up there now heater on drying the towels...and i have all my jeans washing at the moment.

Have been doing some thinking...and i think i am gonna talk to fiona about getting something more concrete to do on wednesday nites and saturday. Currently on saturdays i do whatever but i dont really have a game plan...and i think it would prolly be more advantageous if i really work it out so saturdays has a definite plan...and the same on wednesday nites...i will do a workout after seeing eve...so i will talk to fiona and see what she thinks i should do those two days to work in with everything else i am doing.

I watched the US finale of biggest loser this morning and guess who was on it???? BOB AND TIFFANY ! They were in the audience and spoke a lil and they showed there before pics. And jill was saying last week on her radio show...the finale is held tuesday nite and her and bob start series 8 on thursday ! so prolly another 2-3 months and i will have another series to watch lol i will have to make do with jillians radio show between now and then.

And omg i am realising today its 7 weeks till i go to streaky again ! WOW thats coming up fast...i'd really like to be 125 kilos by then so fingers crossed and time to work this butt to ensure i get there. It will be nice taking that bus trip at a smaller size...hopefully i will be about 20 kilos or so smaller by then.

I had such a traumatic time trying to change light bulbs earlier LOL...i had 4 to change...2 i did successfully...one globe i broke and is half stuck in the socket :( and one i couldnt get the cover back on hahahahhah i swear i am hopeless with this kinda chit....im a disgrace to the lesbian lifestyle LOL...okies back to the house work...have a fab arvo all...xox

Fridayyyyyyyyyyyy

Trained last nite. We did boxing with some resistance thrown in it (like pushups on my knees against a step and lunges and squats) she puffed my lil butt out but cos she was throwing resistance in it not as much as tuesday night. Then as we were taking off the gloves etc fiona says "heart rate monitor" i was like mmmm i had been thinking about getting one and eve mentioned it last nite too (anyone getting the idea that i am destined to buy one? LOL) anyway fiona said id like you to have one so it can beep if we get your heart rate too high. So i told her when i get my bonus mid june i will get one, so between now and then i need to research them (anyone got one that would recommend? I need one that alerts when the heart rate gets too high, and my understanding with the calories burnt is you can get ones that break up how many calories are burning energy (food you just ate) and how much is burning fat stores (so body fat) - nat i think you have one?) Anyway as fiona is a personal trainer she gets 20% off them so she will get it for me once i decide which one.

We were also talking about what gadget boi said to me yesterday (refer previous post) and she was saying while for me its seemed quite gradual...especially for someone who doesnt see me often the changes are quite drastic which is why i get such comments. As i explained i am starting to realise i am not seen so much anymore as the "fat lazy girl" which is a interesting concept in itself, altho in MY mind i still often see myself as 171 kilos...i still expect i am going to break chairs etc...not that i am worrying or obsessing about it...just aware.

The other good thing was when getting ready for the gym last nite i wore a pair of workout pants i hadnt worn for a few weeks and i was a lil stunned by how loose they felt YAY.

And of course its FRIDAYYYYYYYYY yay im so looking forward to this weekend. Not cos i am doing anything exciting (in fact have no social plans) but cos i get to relax and do very little lol. I have quite a bit of stuff to get done around the house and i wanna get the kitchen more organised. But i plan on some time playing online, doing some reading, watching & listening to some jillian *perks* and reading my book as well as my womens health magazine. So it all sounds good to me. And i must admit i am rather looking forward to going home after work tonite and doing not a hell of a lot LOL mite have to venture into the pink sofa and catch up with the gurlies.

Okies time to do some work...4.30pm hurry up LOL .... enjoy all xox

Oh and what i nearly forgot ! Fiona had me jumping last nite ! I was doing where u have one foot in front and one foot behind and then jump and swap the feet position scissor jumps or something she called them and when i did them she got all excited cos she was like you told me you would never do them LOL i think she felt incredibly clever that she got me to do them LOL we also did some jumps where on the side i do these big steps going from one side of the room to the other jumping while i did it LOL she was very impressed (and all i could think was thank gawd i double bra-d today ! LOL

Oh My Goodness !

I just walked past a guy i work with...(now known as gadget boi) who i see occassionally around the office...anyway he walked past me with a friend of his and said "omg you are fading away" haha ! OMG and my response? Well im trying to fade away lmfaooooooooo then he was like everytime I see you you look completely different these days...!!! wow so nice hearing that but it is still kinda hard to hear...fiona said the other day...do you feel like you owe someone something when they compliment you and in that moment talking to gadget boi i did....he knows me as being a boistrous pain in the ass...but i was all like "uhhh thanks" LOL

Thursdayyyyyyyyyyyy

Yay its thursday which means its nearly friday ;) Tonight I have PT with fiona...I am guessing she will do more leg work. My neck is really improving tho. Just one pain killer each of the last 2 days. My head feels perfectly fine so far today...i have been really dutiful in heat packing it every night (should i say after i have done that and its still warm with these cold nites i have used it like a hot water bottle LOL...i so need a hot water bottle) I wont do much cardio before i see fiona tonite...prolly only 10 minutes or so as she has got me in earlier then normal and i will have time to then scoot off and get the grocery shopping done so i dont have to do it friday nite.

I was downstairs at work in my break earlier talking to some friends (ok 3 gay bois LOL) anyway one michael who is my old team leader was saying look at how much weight karyn has lost...and my friend jason who has been away from work for 6 months was like omg i know look at her face its tiny ! LOL i so had to laugh. Then tony who has seen me eat tim tams lately was like...your not falling off the wagon are you? (As i was standing there eating a low fat scone LOL) im like no no...im being good still...saw the dietician last nite. Anyways so then jason says to me you need to get a wii fit...and i was like when on earth would i have time for that? I leave for work at 7am currently...from work i go straight to the gym...workout for a hour...go home shower, eat & cook dinner and then crawl into bed and watch tv for 30 minutes or so. This week i havent even thought about downloading Jillians radio show or US biggest loser ! Not that i am complaining mind you i am very happy with where things are at at the moment. And this is partly what i was explaining to eve last nite that previously i saw visits to the gym as a "chore" something i really had to talk myself into doing. I would often think...gawd i dont wanna gym it tonite i wanna go home and relax and not "lose" my evening...now i look forward to the gym...its like my home away from home (really wonder sometimes if i should just set up a bed there) but when i get home from the gym and have had dinner etc im not thinking chit i hate the gym and hate that i have limited relaxation time. Quite the opposite...i am thinking how happy i am with where life is at the moment...im already looking forward to my next session with fiona. The antidepressents have helped me so much...its not quite 2 weeks and i feel like i am back to where i was 8 weeks ago as in my head space. Taking those tablets and taking them regulary has just had such a flip to my thinking process. I know a lot of people think you shouldnt take meds for depression and i know my mum is a bit suss on me taking them but there is no getting away how much better and focussed i am on my life when im taking them. And its always a super nice feeling when you just feel happy and content. The other thing that was interesting talking to eve (whose my dietician) last nite...was i forgot how nice it is to just talk to someone...who can give feedback who has non personal experience on the different issues. I have always believed negativity breeds negativity...and so when i have gone thru issues (like the recent lack of self confidence issue) there were others off the ww forum going thru something similar...and without being rude to anyone...whilst i did offer support to those people it was something i was conscious off that i didnt want to get too "chatty" about it with them cos it prolly for ALL of us would have made the issue worse and not actually gain anything...and thats prolly why it was my discussions with fiona that head more impact then anything. The good thing with eve is she has always wanted to talk a lot about my head space and where i am at with my thinking so its just another advantage to seeing her again.

This weekend i am planning on LOTS of organisation occuring ! Last weekend with my neck being so sore and the weekend before being at the hotel...very limited stuff has been done around the house and it is starting to resemble a brothel lol so i need to do lots of organising...LOTS of washing...i wanna clear out the kitchen cupboards and go thru my spices as well as lots of them i have had since the day i moved in which is nearly 18 months ago so im pretty sure some need to be thrown out. Also of course i FINALLY plan to sit down and watch the US finale of biggest loser & Jillians radio show for last week...i also wanna relax a bit and get stuck into my book i bought a couple of weeks ago.

Okies ive really rambled LOL off to do some work enjoy all xox

Well i did it ! Signed up for the gyms food plan and saw the dietician tonite! Hows that for speedy service? Anyway so i went in and saw eve,,,,firstly she asked me whats been going on food wise since i stopped slimplicity last november and then she asked me what are my goals? I explained its not about the scales anymore...if its a choice between being size 14 and fit and toned and healthy or a size 10 and not toned and healthy...i want the size 14. Its not about being skinny anymore...its about being healthy. To say she was stunned by how my goals and perceptions have changed over the last 6 months is the understatement of the year....she was like your headis in such a good place. We also talked about how i still see myself as 171 kilos and that i do wonder if 130 kilos is a bit of a barrier for me. She also talked to me about heart rate monitor about taking a much more scientific approach and working out with my calories burnt...what is energy being burnt and what is fat stores being burnt. Anyway for this week she doesnt want me changing anything just to keep a food diary and eat as i have been. Next week her and i will sit down and work out a plan together...basically doing the same plan as before but with a twist...part of this i know is planning a "treat" meal in each week or fortnight. Not kfc or anything like that...something that fits into my calories...but something that i consider a special meal to help reduce boredom and feeling like im missing out. Also next week she will weigh and measure me .... we also decided weekly weigh ins and weekly body fat measurements. After thinking about this decision for the last 5 weeks or so im very confident i have made the right decision...i feel so completely motivated and confident that in a few weeks time i will be under 130 kilos. Okay my head is hurting (tends to hurt quite a bit by the end of the day) so im off to get my heat pack and climb into bed and watch house....xox

After much to-ing and fro-ing about what to do about my eating I have decided i am going to return to the gyms program. Its basically what I am eating now except they will want me increasing my fruit and dairy in my afteroon snack. I really need that accountability of the weekly weigh ins as well as the measurements. I called the gym this morning and found out wednesdays 6.15pm are available (and the good thing with this is...i am going to be attending the gym another day so whilst i am in there mite as well do another workout), i am calling back during my lunch break to speak to the membership gal and just organise it...enough fart assing around just time to get stuck into everything.

By the time i went to bed last nite my legs were aching ! My upper thighs and hips felt quite sore...and even tho they arent sore today even sitting here my thighs feel tired so they must have got one hell of a work out. My neck is quite good again...slight headache but nothing like it has been...im quite convinced sleeping on my stomach was worsening the issue...now that i am making sure i am sleeping on my side or back it seems much better when i wake. Yesterday I only had one pain killer all day and considering i had 3 pain killers on monday thats awesome. Hopefully i will start to slowly get all these chemicals out of my system.

Gawd this morning i went to the bus stop...had poured with rain earlier but the seat looked dry altho i could see some new grafitti on it. Sat down...then the bus came n i arrived at work. Looked at my hand...oh chit theres green paint on my hands (same colour as the new grafitti!) oh chit please not be on my jeans...so i raced to the toilets...and YEP lovely amounts of green on my ass...lol...luckily it mostly came out relatively easy with just water...but dayam LOL if i am not ripping my pants so my ass is hanging out im running around with green chit on my ass LOL

okies thats enuff of the kazz dramas for one day lol...have a good day all xox

PS tania can you send me a email? I reformatted and lost your email addy which is why i havent replied to your last one.

OMG such a good workout !

I just had to write about how good tonites workout was. We did boxing..and fiona mainly had me doing leg stuff. She had me doing this combo...was 5 knee kicks with my left leg, 5 with with my right leg, 5 high kicks with my left leg then 5 with my right leg...then 10 pairs of upper cuts and 5 squats...then next round it was 10 of each followed by 8 upper cuts and 4 squats...and this went on till i was doing 25 left knee kicks...25 right knee kicks...25 left high kicks then 25 on my right leg...omg i was dying ! I was puffing and panting like the stray dog down the road...i told her at this point she is mean! LOL anyway at the end she told me my fitness level has improved in bounds...and that i dont have a low level of fitness anymore...she then said she has never had any client do that many before and i am now the bench mark ! So was a good good session....then she gave me a massage she said my neck and shoulders are really tight...but it was a good session...and i feel so focused and back on track it isnt funny....have a good nite xox

Look no hands....

yup on the treadmill no hands last nite wooo hooo...man its a lil bit harder on your butt cheeks when you don't hold on eh? So i did like a speed of 3.8 and a gradient of 7.5 for just over 30 minutes and burnt over 300 calories. Then Fiona came and got me and we discussed my neck and headaches (LOL she asked me if my headaches were from hot chips LOL - she knows i get migraines from MSG LOL) after explaining noooooooo we did strength training but she modified some of the exercises or i did lower weights...so i prolly didnt get as much as normal out of it but its still a workout and as i explained to her my concern is if i just take a couple of weeks of the gym its getting back into a routine. Today I have woken and my head feels quite good...i think when i am making sure that i am sleeping on my back and not my stomach the pain seems better the next day. So will text fiona over the next hour or so to let her know ill be in tonight.

Everything else is going good...on track yesterday which was good...so far today ive taken no pain killers and i'd prefer to avoid them if possible.

Spoke briefly to robyn last nite and she said "we have to organise that get together soon" lol...so seems she wants to catch up so mite have suggest a nite out soon.

Okies off to do some work xox

My neck is prolly a lil sorer today then yesterday but still not too bad. I've taken a pain killer and is fine now. I am going to gym it tonite and see how I go. If its worse tomorrow I will then miss the gym for the rest of the week if not I will just go with the flow. But that said I am really eager to get back and get into it...i only missed 5 days and feels like a lifetime since i was there LOL

Went out for dinner last nite with mum and co. Bought her a nice bunch of flowers with tulips, and iris's etc. Had a warm lamb salad for dinner...was ok nothing too flash - certainly not like the last lamb salad i had.

Tomorrow nite is the final episode of the US biggest loser...cant wait...get to see Jillian looking like a girl LOL always hot.

I am doing a different job at work for the next 2 weeks. Just registering complaints...not actually having to resolve the whole issue so quite different what i am use to. But the good thing is its monday - friday 8.30am-4.30pm so a bit of routine and as i was due to go back on to working weekends this week im more then happy...and basically means i only have to work one full weekend out of 8...and i am on leave for at least one or two weekends of the next lot of weekends so woooo hoooo....normality.

Okies off i go to do some work ... xox

Sooooooooo happy

I am one happy girl today ! Yesterday i laid in bed heat packing my neck and head all day. This morning I woke and its about 90% better. I feel so happy...i have a very slight headache on the top of my head...but at the back of my head (which was the worst pain) and above my eye the pain is a million times better. And i am convinced the fact my body is stronger then it was a year ago is whats helped me to recover. The fact my doctor said it would take 4-6 weeks and i have improved so much in 9 days is really amazing. And now im like so excited to get back into everything ! Yep i ate crappy the last few days...and over the next few days i will continue to heat pack my neck and let these pain killers leave my body. I am so looking forward to getting back to that gym and training with fiona. The antidepressents have started to take effect...i know i can do this...hell everytime i think about fionas response and how stunned she was about the trx last week I know i can do this - im excited again about all of this...this whole journey.

Friday nite max messaged me....asked me if i would go on a blind date. And then preceeded to tell me about this chick she wanted me to meet....LOL...i am SO not the blind date type of person plus i dont trust maxs taste LOL so told her no. Then last nite...i hear my phone....run downstairs to grab it and theres a message from robyn "hey you never on msn anymore anyway was thinkin i still owe you a nite out sometime so if you wanna let me know" Now i wasnt aware she owed me a nite out lol...so being the dork i am i replied back saying...okies sounds good yeh we should organise a get together...to which she replied "lemme know when and i will be there" now i dunno cos i really am dense at this chit...maybe shes hinting at something or maybe its just as friends...time will tell i guess. Then i went into pink sofa chat which i havent been in there in MONTHS my friend Dayne was there...telling me theres a golden dance in a couple of weeks so will prolly go to that...then i said to her oh i have uploaded a new pic (the pic of me in my size 20 top) so dayne had a look and she was like OMG kazz so amazing LOL so that all felt pretty good.

Of course it is mothers day today...if mum is going out for dinner tonite ill tag along will go out and get some flowers shortly...but as per usual she isnt answering my messages ! Damn annoying woman she is sometimes.

OKies i am gonna go watch some more friends DVDs...and then do a lil dance cos my necks soooooooooooooooooo much better....enjoy ur day all ! xox

Right at this very moment my head and neck feel pretty dandy. I have been resting it today (ie lying in bed watching dvds lol) i dunno if its really better or its just the wunderful pain killers and heating pad taking effect but its nice having no headache right at this precise moment. The problem with painkillers is they make you drowsy and when drowsy your resolve isnt as strong as usual. And i am suffering from this after 4 days of these painkillers...so not only do i want my neck better but i want these pain killers out of my system...its ridiculous...and i am so over it all and so over not feeling like myself it isnt funny. The one good thing is my self doubt has gone YAY for me. I have still been ummming and ahhhhing about what to do about my eating. I have come to the conclusion i NEED weigh ins...if you havent noticed i have not regularly updated my weight lately and thats merely cos i have no accountability. I am very tempted to sign up for the gyms plan and do their plan while counting points. Theres no getting away from the accountability with their plan...weekly measurements...weekly body fat measurements and monthly body size measurements...that my friends is the most complete picture of any weight loss program i know. I have been looking thru their plan today....and i have been wondering if of late ive been undereating (i was discussing this with kerry at work yesterday that im always around 250 calories under the number of calories jillian suggests and about 450 calories under what calorie king suggests) The gyms plan has a lil more dairy in the afternoon snack then what i eat...and considering my low iron thats not exactly a bad thing...and really thats the main difference between how i am eating now and if i was following their plan. And of course i keep thinking the gym will think im a nutcase for wanting to try their plan again lol. Weight watcher meetings are out of the question its just not possible for me to get to a meeting with all my PT sessions. I did ask on the ww forum about the myer centre ww visits...but someone commented that their is a lack of privacy and well i dont exactly want the world to know my weight. But bottom line i keep coming back to "the gym will give me the overall view"

Regardless of how my neck is on monday im going back to the gym...but ill be a lil careful...for warmups ill only use the treadmill...my neck always feels better when im out walking so that will be fine. When i did boxing last week with fiona i felt good too...best i'd felt all day so in reality i dont think its aggrevating it...and the strength training...i will be careful with that but to be honest i did everything last week and at no point did i think "ow" maybe i just have to suck it up for a few weeks and deal with being drowsy until my neck and head heals properly.

Well off to lay down some more...enjoy all

I am still having issues with my neck/head. I have had a headache pretty constantly since last saturday in 2 spots...one just above my right eye and the other is the back of my head just above my neck on the right side. It was a lil better this morning i THINK but not sure if it was really any better or just me and my wishful thinking. I have 47 minutes left of work and then over 2 days dedicated to helping my neck get better. I am not gonna be online much this weekend the doc said typing doesnt help as it does use the muscles i hurt...so i am planning on sleeping, reading, watching dvds, hot packing my head and taking the tablets and hopefully with luck on monday it will be better otherwise i am really worried i may have to skip the gym for at least a week and that scares the beejuzus out of me...not only would i prolly lose a lot of fitness it would break my routine...i am at a point where i look forward to the gym and dont have to go thru the whole "will i or wont i" attend. Plus there is a level of motivation i get from attending the gym. If its no better by mid next week i will look at getting some physio for it...but i'd prefer to avoid physio.

I am also so tired which i am guessing is cos of all the meds in my system, the pain killers have a drowsy affect and now two days later its impacting me.

I am also still thinking about my eating. I think i do need more accountability. It comes down to two options...either attend one on one sessions in the myer centre, which costs $21.95 per week. Or i can attend the gym...which i think is about $32 per fortnight. The bonus with the gym is it does more of a overall picture (ie does body fat, measurements and weight) of course i could do my measurements but i live alone and so not so easy to do them accurately. So i need to decide on this. Specially as the doc did say my neck could take 4-6 weeks to heal and so my diet may suddenly become more important. Whether ww or the gyms plan i pretty much eat the same thing (i basically follow the gyms plan now and align it with points/calories) So anyway thats where i am at...cross your fingers my neck and head start feeling better soon im gonna be a real disappointed princess if i have to cancel next weeks gym sessions !

Million Paws Walk

Any of you Adelaide Girls interested in doing the million paws walk? My gym is participating and I have just found out I am not workign the weekend its on (17th May) Anyone interested in joining me? Leave me a message if you are and I'll speak to Fiona on monday to get all the details on how we register. (I am pretty sure the walk is around the Torrens)

Well my head and neck are still hurting. I ended up not working yesterday went to the docs...its apparantly a muscle fusion or somehting for the muscle going into my skull. I took mersyndol yesterday which knocked me out and i slept close to 6 hours. Today it feels a lil better. I texted fiona last nite to say i wont be in till monday, think if i have a break for a few days it hopefully may help. The doc said it could take 4-6 weeks to heal but i hope it doesnt...i'm missing the gym already !

Scales were up at 131.4 this morning but im not concerned. I havent eaten anything wrong and possibly its related to all the painkillers in my system at the moment. I finish work at 3pm today and the plan is to simply go home take another couple of mersyndol and go to bed hopefully with luck it will be better tomorrow. If next week its still bad Ill look at seeing a physio.

Nothing else to say...enjoy your day all

A smiley face day

Well a good day was had by kazz ! Apart from my neck drama...the neck itself is not too bad...just feels tired but my head still hurts a lot. Ive been using a heat pack on it...using diflam (which i dont think helps at all) and using panadeine extra strength (which made me very sleepy at work lol) If its no better tomorrow i will go back to the doctors after work i think 5 days with a headache is long enough.

Went to the gym...did 25 minutes on the treadmill gradient of 7.5 and speed of 3.7 and i only held on with one hand ! super impressed ! Then fiona came over and got me...we did the LAT pull down....and we did 35 kilos....and then fiona goes...rate that 1 to 10 on how hard it was....i go deathly quiet....shes like stop thinking about the best answer to make this easy LOL ... so im like uhhhh 14? lol then i was like nah 6-7 i guess...so i then did 40 kilos...rather impressive...then after killing me with squats and lunges shes like....okay TRX time...then she goes....we really need theme music for as you walk up to it LOL...so anyway i was determined to do it...last week i fart assed around so much even before i started saying i cant get into position blah blah blah...anyway i didnt say much...just grabbed the thing and did it...didnt stop once...was hard but was completely doable...then i finish and fiona is like...okay what has changed? LOL She was like how did u just flip the switch and do that? So i told her....im just not worrying about everything...im not thinking about what i can do....more about what i HAVE to do...she was like...it was just like you knew you gotta do it and just did it....and then she drew a lil smiley face on my program chart LOL Anyway she was really happy with how i went...and i was wrapped. Yanno this morning i stepped on those scales...and i was 130.6 kilos...so i knew i was back on track....but more then anything after tonight...i know my HEAD is back on track...and its not just me fiona saw that too so rawr yay

Anyway enuff for tonite...enjoy your wednesday all !

Monday...

Well im starting to feel a lil bit of "me" coming back. Not because of the meds but simply cos i think i took some control back and im not obsessing about chit. Really the hotel visit couldnt have come at a better time...i had close to 24 hours in a different environment where i didnt obsess on chit...instead i watched Law & Order and read my book...and just kept thinking what a lucky gal i am. And ive been making it a point to not "delve" in deep to my thoughts too much. And must say last nite i felt a bit like the old me (which is a huge relief) and with that stress going...guess what those dayam scales said when i jumped on em this arvo???? 130.8 kilos...put a big damn smile on my face...and so im now convinced stress for me anyway does impact the scales.

My neck is starting to get better altho i still have the headaches. Went to the docs today and he told me i can actually use difflam antiflamatories as theres no ibuprofen in it...(thank gawd) so ive been taking that and the panadeine....and i can feel it starting to feel better.

My sleep is still pretty disruptive but i am sure once the meds kick in that will settle down. I am even starting to feel confident on the treadmill.

Okies just wanted to post something short to let all know im good and not fallen off the wagon lol (its nice not feeling the need to post several times per day in the manic way i was last week)

Enjoy all

A lovely weekend

Well I am home ! I have had a wonderful, relaxing time. Lets back track...saturday morning first thing i went to the docs...after a shake of his head he wrote me a script...he wants me on the meds for 6 months then i will go back and they will look at a program of taking me off them slowly. Once i got that script in my hand...i felt better...part of me knew something had gone on for my attitude and self belief to change all of a sudden (and i am sure fiona thought the same thing) and i am even amazed at myself over the last few weeks i didnt put 2 and 2 together. And while friday nite wasnt nice...im glad it happened so i clicked and did a bit of a homer simpson "Doh". Anyway i then went to the gym...and did 40 minutes on the treadmill ! OMG i was dying...lol i was on a gradient of 7 and speed of 4.2 and i actually burnt 485 calories which i thought was pretty damn impressive. I then went on the eleptical...now ive never managed more then 2 minutes...got over 2 minutes and was thinking go me and i think i can last to 5 minutes when suddenly i got a very strange sensation up the right side of my neck....so i stopped....and i still have a ache today from it. I have been taking panadeine extra strength since it happened (i cant take anti flammatories as i dont react good to ibuprofen) its not a sharp pain at all more like a dull kinda tired ache. Shortly i am gonna go have a short and deep heat it and see how it goes. Hopefully tomorrow its better as I have PT but im sure fiona you work around it. Then i went and did a lil shopping...bought some black leggings (which make my fat thighs look gross :() And then i took my sisters suggestion of splurging on a book...wandered around borders (local book store here) for quite a while...lots of books i wanted lol i could spend a fortune there ! But i found one of my fave authors (karin slaughter) has 3 new books out so i bought one of them. Then FINALLY it was time to go to the hotel...can we say GORGEOUS...the staff were all lovely (especially when i struggled finding my room lol) i got to my room (see photo below) it was a king deluxe room...just gorgeous all fitted out lovely...a big widescreen HD tv...comfy beds with HUGE pillows...i was all happy....a hour later i was thinking damn i dont wanna go out tonite and leave this room LOL so i didnt ! Well actually Jaimee rolled her ankle while on a run yesterday (great twosome we are eh?) and so she was staying home to ice it and rest it. Anyway so i room-serviced dinner. And the best news was they had a low calorie menu which they gave u all the nutritional values for. So i ordered a mediterranean chicken salad which was 199 calories. And was delish it was truly so yummy...i also discoverred (oh-oh) a tim tam in the mini bar LOL i rang mum and was like that tim tam wont last the nite ! LOL lucky for me i know they are 97 calories...so my salad, tim tam and a banana for dinner lol. This morning i had breakfast in bed which was just cornflakes (they didnt have weetbix) with skim milk.

The only real problem was the neighbours i had which i didnt hear at all except at 2am when the guy from what i heard locked the girl out of the room LOL so at that point i just ended up putting foxtel on ;)

I must say i walked out of that hotel feeling relaxed...enjoying the sunshine.

I did take some photos of me too...one is when i first got there yesterday so looking not so fab in my gym gear...the other is before i left the hotel this morning in my SIZE TWENTY top...i like the photos (im not looking all glam so dont expect that) but i guess a lil disappointed as theres not much difference from the photos in march. My face looks a lil slimmer but i think thats cos my hair is pulled back...but still im getting there bit by bit. I hope everyone has a fab sunday.

May 3 - In my size 20 top =]



May 2 - After the gym



Late March 2009



December 30 2008



The Beginning



My hotel room

A-ha moment

Well its a new day. I have not had the best nites sleep but maybe it was a productive sleep. After my lil spazz out last nite. Something which had been in the back of my mind and i had been trying to ignore the last few weeks popped up and wouldnt budge :) I stopped taking my depression meds in febuary (ok theres a a-ha moment). Why did i stop taking them? No real reason i ran out of them and just didnt refill the script, i felt i was in control, i was doing awesome...life seemed pretty grand so obviously the depression had just disappeared right? i was cured right??? WRONG i was silly to stop taking those meds. So soon as 9am arrives im ringing my doc to try and get in to see him and i am pretty sure ill walk out of his office with a script. I do have a script here for the meds but i think its best i talk to the doc and not just recommence them. So i did get on the scales this morning...and a gain of 1.2 kilos...so im sitting spot on 132 kilos. When i look back...no i havent eaten anything wrong and maybe i have even under eaten (remember the nauseas i was having? which btw im pretty sure was the milk i was having with my weetbix which i changed yesterday and had no nauseas ;)) But i have been stressing, its all been completely occupying my mind...and the mind is a powerful tool...i know i havent slept as good as normal so these stress levels and the under eating MAY have had some impact on it all. So big deal im sitting at 132 kilos....im not gonna give up, im gonna get those meds and keep on doing what im doing, (And tania yes i do think WAY too much and that i was thinking so much shouldve told me several weeks ago to get back to the docs) Hopefully i get in for a appointment this morning. At this point i wont sign up for ww...im still undecided. I really need to put a lot of thought into what i need. Do i need the accountability of the overall picture which i would get with the gyms program (they weigh your body weight and body fat weekly and measurements monthly) or do i not need that and can do ww online? (im not gonna do ww meetings...as it takes 2 buses to get to my local meetings plus a taxi home...plus im not the meeting "type") but i honestly think the most important thing right now is the medication. Once i have been to the docs i will go into the gym and do a workout and then off to the hilton. Wont lie last nite i was thinking im not going (whilst having my lil meltdown lol) i was cursing myself at wasting my money. But tania and tina your both right the scales arent the whole picture and i KNOW that...gawd i say that all the time.

Theres not too much else to say....i think once ive been to the docs and said out loud yeh i need the meds and get the meds filled i will feel like ive taken a step in the right direction and then will attack that damn treadmill.

Oh and Nat? Yep we have a deal ;) I will reply to your email tomorrow

I love me.

I've had a bad night. I was all fine...went to the grocery store and did the shopping came home and weighed myself before dinner as I do every nite. Normally the last week or so when i have done this over this week....each day my weight has gone up a lil. 4 days ago it was 131.9 tonite its 132.9...WHAT THE HELL??? ive eaten nothing wrong. I've eaten nothing high in sodium. I've drunk my water...what is going on. When I told Fiona about hitting the 40 kilos on monday...i told her i didnt want to tell anyone for fear of not staying over the 40 kilos...but i also knew till i acknowledged it wouldnt be able to appreciate what i achieved. So i posted it. Since ive done that the scales have steadily gone up. Which I completely do not understand. I have exercised. I have eaten well. I have drank my water. Yet the scales have gone up. I got so friggin upset...and was completely focussed on "i cannot do this" i just cant...i was feeling like i did when i trained with teri...where it felt useless and i just wanted to give up, and so i did give up. I was thinking i cant do this, my body is incapable...i hate how in the last month or so i have lost it...yes i am still eating right...but i simply dont feel i can do it. Logically my brain knows of course i must be able to but my heart, my emotions, my mind doesn't believe it. And i know i need to believe it.

I need to go back to ww and the points system. I dont know calories well enough...i have been 100-200 calories under some days but i really dont know how bad that is? I understand points...its still me eating the same food...its just a different way of tracking...the calorie king website has been down for most of the day,,,,ive never known that with the ww site...my one concern is with ww i see all the ww products and start eating more of their products cos im doing "weight watchers" but theyre food is full of artificial sweeteners and processed and thats not what i want so i have to continually stay on top of this. Yes when i wake tomorrow i will prolly have put on 900 grams at least. Why i dont know...but im gonna weigh and measure myself and get online ww going again. And i am going to track my food religiously ( i have been altho today obviously i didnt with calorie king being down) Someone wise has been talking about self talk on their journal recently...and what she says is right...i can do this...ive proven i am strong, capable, focused...i need to keep reminding myself of this. I need to just keep doing. I am determined this time no matter what I am going to do this...i am going to lose this small gain...and then get under 130 kilos and then keep going.

I dont want people reading this post and feeling sorry for me, or feeling they know whats best for me, this is my issue...for me to do in my very own way...i am far from giving up its not even a consideration. But this journal is mine and whilst part of me wrote this and then felt i couldnt post it i am going too.

And with that :

* I love the gym and all it has given me and will continue to give me
* I love feeling healthy,not feeling bloated and knowing even tho i have the start of a cold it wont develop into anything much cos my immune system is so much better
* I love how strong my arms feel, rubbing my calves and feeling the muscle develop and how my clothes are becoming looser.
* I love that for the first time in at least 5 years i bought a size 20 top today and i will be wearing it to the gym in the morning
* I love how strong I am becoming and will continue to become
* I love me and the life I am slowly getting.

Went to bed with Jillian last nite..

...!yes i did ! well her radio show on my mp3 anyway. Anyway it was interesting as she was talking about emotional demons (how is that for timing?) and she was saying if when you are on this journey if you don't have doubts, or issues come up then you are in denial and you are eventually going to repeat your same patterns again and again. As uncomfortable and unsettling as it is...having insecurities and doubts and questions while on this journey means your ALIVE it means your thinking and pulling back the layers and that it is actually what you need to do to be successful at this. She was also like some days i dont wanna get out of bed and some days im the happiest girl on the planet those highs and lows are what make us alive. I always think I have to be perfect and show people i am perfect and happy and bubbly so its very different to hear its normal to have those up and down days.

Nat wrote on her blog yesterdyay about setting goals. Now I have 4 weeks left of the current program Fiona has me on. Most of what we are doing in the program i am fine with ... boxing movements while holding weights, lunges and squats on the stability mat, LAT pull down machine, fit ball stomach exercises and the TRX. Now the LAT pull down we did in a previous program...and i got to 40 kilos...last week we did 35 kilos...it would be pretty damn awesome to get up to 60 kilos, the other thing is the TRX...im not gonna swear about it or call it a torture device as Nat called it (and yes it is that suspension apparatus Nat) im gonna look at it in a positive light, i wont look up when i do it next and i will expect fiona to make me go lower on it each time and i will master it. I really really wanna do it this week and not feel ridiculous and like a fool. I am just gonna try and take deep breaths not rush it and do it. I want by the end of this period of time for Fiona to say okies TRX time and me to just go "okay" not..."oh chit is there a way of getting out of this?" lol The other thing i wanna do is work on that damn eleptical trainer ! I wanna build it up to 10 minutes...so Nat you can hold me to that :)

Anyway on to better and more exciting stuff ! Tonite i am off to the wheaty for a few drinks (or a few diet cokes as the case will be for me). Tomorrow i am planning to go into the gym around lunch time...just do some cardio then i will grab some lunch then off to the hilton hotel to check in - so excited !

Have a good friday all !