I've had a bad night. I was all fine...went to the grocery store and did the shopping came home and weighed myself before dinner as I do every nite. Normally the last week or so when i have done this over this week....each day my weight has gone up a lil. 4 days ago it was 131.9 tonite its 132.9...WHAT THE HELL??? ive eaten nothing wrong. I've eaten nothing high in sodium. I've drunk my water...what is going on. When I told Fiona about hitting the 40 kilos on monday...i told her i didnt want to tell anyone for fear of not staying over the 40 kilos...but i also knew till i acknowledged it wouldnt be able to appreciate what i achieved. So i posted it. Since ive done that the scales have steadily gone up. Which I completely do not understand. I have exercised. I have eaten well. I have drank my water. Yet the scales have gone up. I got so friggin upset...and was completely focussed on "i cannot do this" i just cant...i was feeling like i did when i trained with teri...where it felt useless and i just wanted to give up, and so i did give up. I was thinking i cant do this, my body is incapable...i hate how in the last month or so i have lost it...yes i am still eating right...but i simply dont feel i can do it. Logically my brain knows of course i must be able to but my heart, my emotions, my mind doesn't believe it. And i know i need to believe it.
I need to go back to ww and the points system. I dont know calories well enough...i have been 100-200 calories under some days but i really dont know how bad that is? I understand points...its still me eating the same food...its just a different way of tracking...the calorie king website has been down for most of the day,,,,ive never known that with the ww site...my one concern is with ww i see all the ww products and start eating more of their products cos im doing "weight watchers" but theyre food is full of artificial sweeteners and processed and thats not what i want so i have to continually stay on top of this. Yes when i wake tomorrow i will prolly have put on 900 grams at least. Why i dont know...but im gonna weigh and measure myself and get online ww going again. And i am going to track my food religiously ( i have been altho today obviously i didnt with calorie king being down) Someone wise has been talking about self talk on their journal recently...and what she says is right...i can do this...ive proven i am strong, capable, focused...i need to keep reminding myself of this. I need to just keep doing. I am determined this time no matter what I am going to do this...i am going to lose this small gain...and then get under 130 kilos and then keep going.
I dont want people reading this post and feeling sorry for me, or feeling they know whats best for me, this is my issue...for me to do in my very own way...i am far from giving up its not even a consideration. But this journal is mine and whilst part of me wrote this and then felt i couldnt post it i am going too.
And with that :
* I love the gym and all it has given me and will continue to give me
* I love feeling healthy,not feeling bloated and knowing even tho i have the start of a cold it wont develop into anything much cos my immune system is so much better
* I love how strong my arms feel, rubbing my calves and feeling the muscle develop and how my clothes are becoming looser.
* I love that for the first time in at least 5 years i bought a size 20 top today and i will be wearing it to the gym in the morning
* I love how strong I am becoming and will continue to become
* I love me and the life I am slowly getting.