SIZE 16!!!!

April 2006



Today April 30




OMG seriously what a freaking day! I went out this morning as was meeting mum for lunch...finally went and banked the bond refund cheque and then thought id go look for some warmer clothes as i have nothing warm really that fits for work :( so i go to best n less...grab a size 18 top from the plus size section and put it over the cardigan i am wearing...OMG ITS TOO BIG!!! So i venture to the normal section...pick up a size 16...and holy hell it fits...its a firm fit...but it fits....so i try another 3 tops...ALL FIT...so i rush to the counter and buy all four LOL...then i go to target...not to the plus size section...the normal section...pull a size 16 top out...put it on...OMFG it wasnt a fluke it fits too! I ended up buying 2 tops both size 16...so i now have in my cupboard six size 16 tops...all fit me...i am stunned...im amazed....suddenly the girl who weighed 170 + kilos is wearing size 16!!! And omg how much cheaper are the smaller clothes? I spent $92 and got 6 tops. This was the exact motivation i needed...im one size of size FOURTEEN people !!! holy crap!!! hehe you couldnt bring my mood down today if you tried im one happy happy girl!

Oh im in pain! Yesterdays session was obviously more intense then i realised...sore butt cheeks...front upper thighs...and sore arms. So i thought ok maybe body pump today isnt such a good idea...so i thought i would go for my 6km walk instead...a small section (about 10 minutes worth) is uphill...so i start marching uphill...and i was really trying to work on my time so i was going fast...2/3 of the way into it my right ankle starts killing me...it continued to hurt till i got to a flat surface then it appeared ok again till i got to another path on a angle...again it started hurting...argh so freaking annoying. Obviously when im not keeping it on a flat surface its putting it under too much pressure...which is making me think for one thing to go see a physio...the other is that i may have to stick to the treadmill for a while (funny it didnt hurt at all yesterday whilst running) so now i have a achey foot which i iced earlier...but it still feels achey/tired. Friday is my day off so i will rest it and i think go into athletes foot and get some new shoes. Then it should be fine for body pump. The good news was i burnt 511 calories with that walk.

The scales have been very nice to me this week...i hope they keep going this way and i can record a nice solid loss on saturday morning.

Fiona has dropped a few hints via FB about doing RPM...lol...i really get the idea she thinks i should be doing it...i know its a huge calorie burn...maybe its time to "suck it up princess" let my butt get adjusted to the awful bike seats and try it. There is a beginner RPM class on wednesday nite...maybe ill go to it...see what i do for my trainer hehe (ok for me too!)

Not much else going on...yummii yiros for dinner tonite ... gotta love my high calorie days! Have a good thursday all =]

I am seriously amazed by the number of people on the ww forums...who go on there and say "i ate this and this and this and now i feel bad" and its always the same people...stop having crap in ur house then people! Stop whining like a child seeking attention! Whilst i get the boards are there for support...these people who repetively do it are doing it for validation...for attention...and people give them attention. I never use the boards like that...im a big girl...i dont need or want anyones validation...what i do want is for myself to know im doing the best i can...and if i do slip up...ill get over it and move on. Okies off my soap box now! lol

Went to the gym today...did about 25 minutes on the treadmill with me doing 1 minute intervals with running at 6km -rawr- handled it quite fine...considering im still coughing i am rather impressed...then i did a hour or maybe a lil over of core and weights with fiona. I was seriously sweating...altho i suspect that is related to the cold...but i did burn 914 calories and when the majority of the session wasnt cardio thats pretty damn impressive.

Then fiona says ... so whats your plans? Once i realise she is wanting to know what my plans are whilst she is in sydney...im like...well im "endeavouring" to do body pump on thursday and saturday...the key word is endevouring...as i told her thats not a committment but a aim! lol But i am thinking now...i did weights today so maybe i should not do pump tomorrow...i will think about that...maybe ill just go in and do may cardio stuff tomorrow...and pump on saturday...and then fiona goes....i mite take a laptop with me to check up on you...better yet i mite just message you each day so you can give me a update on what your doing LOL ahhhhhhhhh theres no escape! lol

I need to get back into things tho...so the weeks i work monday - friday...i wont gym it friday and sunday...on the weeks i work weekends i wont gym it sat & sun...but i certainly need to start doing 5 days a week. And no point waiting...nothing like the present! So maybe ill still do body pump tomorrow...sure it wont be the end of the world...ill do some cardio after...then body pump on saturday with some cardio again. Then monday nite maybe ill try body jam...tuesday ill do body pump...wednesday body balance and thursday ms fiona is back...sounds like a good plan...now to see if i go thru with it ! lol

OK off to go get warm and settle down with lunch and dr phil - enjoy all!

I am amazed how TOM arriving gets my head in the right place and cravings for just "food" gone!

I read Jos blog about her weekend away...and i must say i am completely in awe of her :) I wont gush too much...but the fact she is in a healthy weight range, went on a weekend like she did, is now considering of not doing weekly weigh ins (that seems incomprehendable to me!) and the way she has all her life together is amazing...amazing to read her journey.

I have been thinking about my next goal...i have no big event planned at the moment...but i think when i get my bonus (in about 7 weeks time)i am gonna go gym clothes shopping...not at target or big w or anywhere...but like nike or adidas gear...prolly wont fit me but a nice outfit or two will be something to work towards.

Tomorrow i have double PT then i dont have another session with fiona for a week :( she is off in sydney...so gonna have to get off my butt and gym it all by my lil ownsome. Thursday and saturday i am planning to do body pump. And i will do those classes. Tomorrow i will prolly just do the PT session as its that time of month and so my iron levels usually are lowered at this point and i get dizzy spells easy. That sounds like a excuse eh? Maybe ill do some interval running after the session and see how i go but if i get dizzy ill take it easy.

I didnt go to my session with my nutritionist lol gawd im a slack b*tch...but i still have a cold/allergies...and i wasnt gonna weigh in due to it being TOM so i just didnt go in ... prolly should have called - oops! lol

I do feel refocused i know i need to get on with things...if the allergies are still playing up by thursday ill go see the doc they are prolly the only thing holding me back at the moment. Im ready to keep going...to focus purely on me and aim for the next goal which is to get under 120 kilos (this weekend hopefully) and then working towards 55 kilos lost. Getting under 100 kilos is in my grasp...theres still a lot of work to be done but i can see it now...for a long time it was the ultimate...getting to 100 kilos was going to be the goal...i now realise thats not the end of the journey i have a lot lot further to go...and i am completely convinced i can do this. That i dont doubt.

Well TOM arrived today...thank gawd...yesterday i was PMSIng with my eating and with my moods so im glad to have TOM and a explaination for that. Last nite i was very much "im over this health kick" lol...i swear i go a lil insane the 24 hours before TOM arrives. I have a lil stomach cramp and still a lil sore throat. So have taken the anti-histamines so hopefully that will start to take some effect.

Today i have a appointment with the dietician and ill do some interval training and the cross trainer and rower. Fiona talked to me recently about not going too hard the first few days of my cycle (as i have low iron) so will do that but thats all. Tomorrow i have a double PT session. I wont weigh in with the nutritionist today tho cos of my cycle...it can wait till next week.

I have decided to cut my calories back by 100 calories per day...which takes me down to a daily average of 1685 calories...will give this 3-4 weeks go to see how the losses go. While losing half a kilo a week is fine...with my current weight i dont think it really is enuff....so fingers crossed maybe this slight cut back to my calories will help.

Not too much else to say...have a good day all!

So woke with a blocked nose again this morning! Argh!!! Just as i think i am getting rid of it it goes and visits me again. So this arvo i was suppose to go out for drinks for Ryans bday but have skipped it as they arent till 3pm and they are drinking outside...and as its not a work nite im guessing the drinking will go into the evening so thought its better i try and keep my body at a decent temperature and get over this once and for all. Tonite tho i think a blanket on the bed to go with my quilt.

Just went to the shops...im not really a biscuit eater but had a desire for some *winks* so anyway i found these paradise more-ish macadamia cookies...2 for 107 calories (packet says 97 calories but i trust calorie king a fraction more lol) anyway they were delishus...but have hidden them LOL had 3...no more now till tomorrow!

Ive been playing some backgammon today online...havent played it for so long and its something i use to play and enjoy quite a bit...strategic games like that are not only good for the brain cells also good for depression...PLUS I dont even think about the fridge when playing lol. I even installed psp on my puter again today...maybe ill think about getting into the graphics again down the track.

Made a yummi tuna and cheese frittata for lunch today (had it with some barley) so yummy and such a filling meal for 400 calories...AND a big dose of vegetables to go with it :)

I did contemplate going on a big walk but with this cold dont think thats overly wise...mite pull out the wii in a bit and play on that for a while tho. Mostly i think if i rest today and tomorrow then hopefully i can do a real hard cardio workout on tuesday. Something i am realising is i really need to get stuck into my own workouts again...the interval running and stair climbing helped enormously and while i will call them "the stupid cross trainer and rower" they inevitably will help me. Just need to get into a routine with them all.

But for now off to watch a movie "The girl with the dragon tattoo" its based on a swedish trilogy...am planning to buy the books this week! Enjoy all =]

Weight in results

Weighed in this morning...i have lost another 600 grams (seems to be the number i generally lose lol) so i am now down to 120.3 kilos. Had PT This morning...a double session we did 45 minutes of boxing before i got a bit lightheaded ... i actually coped with it much better then i expected...i thought id be a coughing mess...fiona didnt have me running but lots of combos...pushups against the wall...mountain climbers against a step and squats. And i was a rather sweaty mess. We then did a lil core stuff (ouch!) before she stretched me out. 685 calories burnt considering we made a point to keep my heart rate down today not a bad effort at all! lol

This coming week fiona is off to sydney for a fitness convention/seminar thingy when she comes back she wants us to sit down and do a planning session...i am presuming just to set some goals...and work out how best to use the 3 PT sessions per week and maybe even she may be wanting to put the hard word on me for my own workouts LOL she said she thinks she will prolly come back with a heap of ideas...so uh oh look out kazz!

She gave me a compliment today...she said...yes people notice your hips are reducing or whatever but what is more obvious is your glow...you have a sparkle in your eyes...your skin is clear...your happy....and thats whats important to us (speaking from the gyms perspective) she said the nutritionist said to her the other day...i really like whats going on here....and she was apparantly pointing to her face...so fiona was saying its more about the glow etc...not sure if i explained that well but was a nice compliment! lol

TOM is due...another reason why i was more then happy with the 600 grams weight loss i am expecting it any day...so it can just hurry itself to visit me so it can hurry itself to say goodbye too! lol

Tonite i am splashing out making a pasta dish with salami...salamis a good old way to get my calories up its like 200+ calories for a lousy 50 grams...wholly hell...but since today is my 2600 calories that all works fine! Ok off i go :)

I was on some forum recently...cant remember if it was 3fatchicks or ww or where (i read so much on the internet it could have been anywhere hehe!) anyway it was a thread talking about psychologists and whether it was a necessary aspect for weight loss. It reminded me how not that long ago (2 years ago maybe)i thought i needed counselling...i have various issues from my childhood...i have a mother who made decisions that i think were wrong and not in mine and my sisters best interest. I also had what i realised now was a slightly dysfunctional relationship with my mum. I had ALWAYS tried to please my mum...i could never lie to her....if i did something wrong i would tell her (i even told her the first time i had sex!) i thought my mum could do no wrong...anything i was pondering if mum gave a differing opinion...well then my opinion was wrong! Then a few years ago...i started to realise that maybe she wasnt thinking as highly of my opinion as hers....I knew being a lesbian she had issues with that...and i think it was the first time something that was such a integral part of me which she couldnt even pretend to support. When i suddenly realised my mum is not perfect...she doesnt know all...and when i accepted hell yeh she made some mistakes...i could step back...and put some blame on to her instead of thinking there must be something wrong with me...cos my mum would never do wrong. Stepping back was the best thing in the world for me...gone was contacting mum several times a day...suddenly i was doing my thing in my way....i didnt run every decision past her...in fact i dont run any decisions past her these days...i might mention it after the fact...but they are my decisions....i need to live with them....good or bad. Being a lesbian there is a huge part of my life my mum doesnt want to know about it...and that also is her choice...she makes her own decisions and she will live with that consequence...im not ashamed...and should she ever open herself up to that part of my life i will happily share it...but i dont think i am wrong...i think i am doing what makes me happy....and if i dont make me happy for myself by myself....then i will never be happy while in a room full of people. So now i had stepped away....was making my own decisions...then i had a family drama (over my sexuality) this led to me taking a big step back from my mum and her husband. It wasnt a easy choice to make but i realised it was a necessary step...as adults we have the ability to choose who is part of our lives...good or bad...i knew if i was ever going to have a chance at being happy i needed to step back from them.

Nowadays things have improved....i dont argue with my mums hubby (he likes to rile me up) so every time he discusses politics...or is racist....i go off into lala land lol...i see my mum every few months....either when my sister is down or i arrange to meet mum for lunch...i dont call her every day (i rarely call her) i send the occassional message on skype...all these things i came to conclusions by myself...initially they were hard...because of the type of person i am....i dont like confrontation and i let others make me feel guilty...but this was important not only to my life but also my weight loss...now i am at a nice steady place...i dont feel aggression over stuff from my past cos i now have controlled the now and future.

Last nite i posted on FB im gonna do body pump twice this week...there it is in black and white! Fiona saw it and said she will have her spies out...i feel confident i can do those classes without too much drama...will soon find out anyway!

Tomorrow is weigh in...fingers crossed for a nice solid loss...im even considering walking to the gym tomorrow (i then have a double PT session) i must be feeling better! lol

I started this journey back in 2006...i got the flu which had led to bronchitis and i ended off work for 7 weeks. It was a horrible time in my life...it was the first time i really had to face my weight being a real issue...and i realised if i didnt change my ways i would prolly end up confined to my home if things didnt change...thats when this become a "life or death situation". So the past few days i have been....my allergies playing up plus a virus...one day in bed and majority of the head cold symptoms are gone...just a slight runny nose...my throat is still a lil scrathy and im still coughing a lil...but apart from that i feel quite good. So its a stark reminder of how things have improved....

Tuesday when i went to the gym i jumped on the xtrainer....i struggled because of the headcold but i didnt notice my legs didnt seem to struggle as much to cope...so i really wanna focus on doing that for longer and increasing the level. The other thing i wanna do is focus on my interval training. Last time i ran i managed to do it at 6 kmph...i wanna get that improved to at least 8kmph.

So i will be back at the gym on saturday...ill prolly say to fiona just core and weights work on saturday...but hopefully by monday i will be ready to get stuck back into the cardio work.

Im really thinking i also need to set myself a challenge...to attend 4 classes in may...since body pump is the one i am most confident with maybe i just need to force myself to do that class and with time it will stop being such a big drama...and then i can start to expand. Looking at the timetable since i have next week off...i could do body pump thursday and saturday (fiona is in sydney for 5 days from thursday so i have no PT anyway...so maybe its the perfect time to try?)

ok off i go!

Well im still battling this bloody cold! That said tho my nose seems to have cleared up heaps and no headache...but i am coughing :( i only have to work tomorrow and then i have a week off to get over it properly. Tonite i would normally have PT but ive cancelled it...hopefully by saturday ill be much better....fiona has said she can prolly train me in a double PT session but will depend on how im feeling. While a day or two of relaxing is kinda nice...and back in the day i woulda loved it....but it bores the crap out of me these days! im use to now constantly being on the go...so this sucks ! lol

Kinda handy that i have all the movies fiona gave me lol watched sunshine cleaning yesterday which was rather good...mite watch the dead girl today.

Nothing really else to say as being in bed all day is hardly exciting! Enjoy all!

Ive either got a horrid head cold or my allergies are playing up. The back of my mouth has been sore since yesterday arvo and my nose is blocked and my hearing not great at the moment...not a great mix for at the gym! I did 10 minutes on the cross trainer and with a blocked nose that sucked! lol Altho it didnt feel as hard on my legs so maybe i am improving...i was doing it as intervals on level 3...30 seconds with arms and legs then 30 seconds with just legs...somehow i survived it. Then i did about 30 minutes on the treadmill...not fun when i keep sneezing! lol so tonite really wasnt the wisest trying to do a cardio workout. Anyway then went in and saw the nutritionist and she did my measurements and i lost 10 centimetres in the last month (not bad considering my gym membership was on hold for 2 weeks!) and 4 centimetres came off my hips...1 cm of my bust (yes theres the proof...the girls are shrinking!)...1 centimetre of both my upper and lower thigh and big news...1 centimetre of my arms...its hard to lose of the arms so losing 1 centimetre is pretty damn awesome and im really glad to see those hips are shrinking :)

I forgot my exciting news yesterday too...i was in katies and i wandered over to the normal section yes NORMAL not the autograph section...and saw this cute lil button up cardigan....the largest size was 2XL tried it on....fitted me...but i thought i can prolly fit in the next size down...so i try the L and it fit! Wholly crap. Theres no way i could fit into normal size in the pants etc section...but yay the tops! That was very exciting (plus they are bloomin cheaper!)

Okies me and my horrid head cold and off to bed...hope i manage to sleep...ni all!

Will you ever do fitness classes?

So there was a conversation between me and fiona last nite...it went like this

fiona : When are you doing the cycle class?
me : When did i say i would do a cycle class?
fiona : you told sarah you would she dobbed on you
me : oh yeh
fiona : or did you say that to her just to shut her up?
me : yeh kinda
fiona : its one class you wouldnt have to worry about co-ordination etc
me: i would like to do the class cos i get that its a good calorie burn but....
fiona : will you ever do fitness classes?
me : maybe...
fiona : is this a personality thing or a competance thing?
me : good question

I really wish i had the confidence to do the classes...fiona made the comment people are going to be too concerned about their own tiredness to worry about what you are or arent doing...and i get that...but yanno in all honesty i dont think thats the issue i think its more ME...that i compare myself to everyone else and then end up feeling like a idiot...plus....im not good at walking into a group of people...i guess in that sense im shy plus still have the mentality of being the fat girl.

Last nite during PT we were doing mountain climbers...they are done in the kick boxing class fiona runs...but the issue is...you do 30 seconds of boxing at a bag then 30 seconds down on the ground doing pushups or mountain climbers then back up again doing some type of punch at the bag...the whole getting up and getting down is sooooooooo hard for me...i hate it..so i seem to finally be okay with mountain climbers so fiona was trying to get me to go down and do the exercise and then get back up...really wasnt working lol...i dunno if its just my old bones...my fat stomach getting in the way BUT i really cant imagine being able to ever do this with ease lol

Anyway thats all for today..enjoy

One more pic

One more pic from last nite...going left to right front is martine, dee, tina and behind left to right is shazzy, tania, jo and me :)

So last nite was a really good nite with the Adelaide ww girls. We went to this pub which has like a outdoor courtyard. I had the yummiest meal...a entree of warm pita bread with a dip of basil and pine nuts and then for my main i had szuechin duck salad...as it was my high calorie day i went there with 1380 calories to eat...it was a delishus meal. Got home about 10.30pm was a nice nite out. Add to that i burnt 430 calories at the gym yesterday it was all good.

I am really impressed with the new photo (see previous post) i have to finally admit when looking at that pic i can see me getting smaller. Altho when i look in the mirror i dont see it as much...but its simply further proof what i am doing is working. And the last month of so it has stalled a lil but really time to up the ante and get stuck into all of this. Tomorrow nite i have PT and it is core/agility and i will have time before i see fiona to do my running/stairs/xtrainer and rower...so i will...lol....hopefully i wont be too spent by the time i am ready for my session with her.

Pic Update

Just a quick pic update...i will be back later for a proper post...but as sitting spot on 50 kilos this pic update is significant :) so the before pic is me at 170+ kilos...and then last nite at 120.9 kilos :)

So as a follow on from this mornings post ;) I weighed in! yay lost 600 grams...i am now sitting spot on 120.9 kilos...which means i am exactly back at 50 kilos lost (110 pounds for the yanks out there) im happy about that...what with lack of sleep...going back on antidepressents and everything else this week thats a more then suitable result :)

Tonite i am going out for dinner with the WW girls...only really had one top that mostly fits but its a summer top so not really suitable for tonite...so wandered over to city chic. Must say the quality of their materials are soooooooooooo good....told the girl i wanted a top which accentuates my waist (all these years i thought my cleavage was my best asset...discovering its actually my waist!) Anyway so tried on a few...the one i liked the best was a size "L" and it fitted but i prolly could have got into a size "M" they unfortunately didnt have that size...but its a really nice top and has a tie at the back so i can tighten that as i shrink! lol

Then i went to the gym.....did 30 minutes on the treadmill and noticed if i went too fast the back of my lower leg hurt...i noticed it when i was moving too and at the time it had a lump...so fiona comes and gets me...and im telling her about it and shes giving me this look that clearly says "oh no!" haha....turns out what i was describing is exactly how another client described some pain....and she had the same lump and it was her achilles...now obviously fiona cant diagnose me but she said what i was describing was too similar to her other client...(and this client ended up needing 6 months of intensive physio cos she ignored it when it started!) so fiona is gonna get some research this girl had on it and also the exercises this girl was given...as fiona said even if its not that the exercises are to stop my calf etc getting tight so i will only benefit from it. If its still giving me grief in a few weeks times she wants me to go see one of the physios who work at the gym (they have their own practices but fiona says she trusts them more and they will have more of a understanding of my fitness program combined with this issue) so we will see how that goes.

I apologised to fiona for making her worry too LOL...she was kewl tho she was like it is fine as long as you are happy now....she then said when she has put so much time working with someone she can get the answers fast when she needs too....and i guess thats the thing...we are working towards it together...my successes are her successes too

Well the last 24 hours has been a lil drama filled for something different! lol Earlier this week i signed up for a new gym contract...i was quoted a price and i was like kewl...anyway very late thursday nite...i realised for each PT session per week they only give u 45 sessions for the year...so...i should be getting credited for 156 sessions but the way they do it i was only getting 135 sessions...so anyway yesterday morning i ring the gym and speak to one of the girls...and she is like yes it drops the price and allows for time off, public holidays etc...and then i asked what if i wanna cancel in the cooling off period...and she was like ring later and speak to kate. So at this point i was really unsure what to do...if i did 3 sessions per week every week of the year id be short 7 weeks of sessions...so i was like thinking ok i do 3 sessions per week till the end of the year then 2 a week...or do i cancel the contract and pay for 1 PT session per week via a contract and for the rest just buy 10 week PT packs...i had no idea what to do...so i was mulling over stuff...when suddenly i get a text...from fiona lol....she had simply been told i was thinking of cancelling the contract :( so i get this text saying "karyn what is going on dude? i hate to think your this unhappy" so i texted back and explained that it was nothing to do with her or her sessions i just expected i would have sessions for 52 weeks of the contract...so fiona was like "ahhh i had nearly had a heart attack when amy said you werent happy with things" lol...as this was a admin thing seriously didnt even expect her to hear about it...anyway she was like i will talk to kate to get something sorted out for u...so a series of messages later...and they have done me a special deal for me only LOL so basically i would need to buy a pack of 20 sessions to bring me up to scratch...and buying them via a package is like $42 a session or something...so instead...they have offered me them at the price on my contract so $33 each...giving me a free one...and instead of paying them up front or other 5 direct debits like people normally have to do...they said cos im such a good client etc they feel i should get a lil bit better treatment (seriously im one of the few if not the only clients doing 3 sessions per week!)so i get to pay those sessions off over 26 direct debits (so a fullyear) and so it works out only a additional $25 a fortnite. PHEW now i know i have 3 sessions per week every week until june next year. So its all sorted and i feel much much better =]

Must admit thursday nite i didnt sleep well and then yesterday it played on my mind (once again) that im not focused enuff...im eating fine (if anything maybe under eating a lil) and exercising yet in my mind im frustrated with myself cos my mindset isnt focused enuff...not so bothered by it today (amazing what a good nites sleep does) but it seems soon as i miss out on some sleep it plays on my mind big time.

Today i have PT...weights....then im gonna do the C25k workout and then ill do the bloomin cross trainer and rower :( im gonna try and do the C25k all the runs at 6km which is fast for me (remember i have a very dodgy ankle and bad knees) previosuly i have only run at 4.5km....but i did one interval last week at 6km and whilst it buggered the hell out of me it didnt feel any worse on my joints so i will give that a whirl this week.

Tonite off to dinner with the ww girls...have checked out the menu...saturdays are my high calories (2600 calories) so i will be fine...as that is HEAPS of calories lol

okies off i go have a good day all !

Double PT!! hehe fiona texted me last nite to say she had scheduled me in for a double PT session...she knows im a glutton for punishment ;) Normally thursday nite should be boxing...but who knows what we will end up doing...altho...boxing for a hour will be a possibility. OH and i did TEN pushups last nite...im definitely getting lower with them...last time i tried which was last year sometime...i managed TWO and wasnt getting very low. But we have been doing lots of work on strengthening my shoulders, arms and chest and apparantly its paying off! I could not have done one more but wow i was pretty impressed with that.

Foodwise things have been good altho the scales were a bit all over the place...as monday and tuesday i barely ate so the scales dropped down to 120.4 kilos but then i ate normal yesterday and they jumped up to 121.2 kilos...

Went to the gym tonite...got there was warming up on the treadmill and sarah comes over and says come do a cycle class karyn...i was like...i cant i got PT...then fiona came over and got me...we did a full on workout...about 50 minutes of boxing...and i was sweating my lil ass off and then we did 3 minutes of interval training on the xtrainer and then a nice long stretch! Then as i left sarah says to me...next time come do RPM karyn...lol...so told her i mite...mite have to check out when classes are cos lets be honest cycle and RPM classes would really kick up those calories burnt. Then as i walked out the gym my nutritionist was at the front desk and we were talking and then she said i think u have got smaller on your top half...i was like i do feel like i am smaller altho the scales havent really moved with everything thats gone on in the last month...so tuesday nite she will measure me

Then i rang the landagent of the old property today AND my full bond is being returned...which is a huge relief...they said they put the paper work in on the 7th....but i still havent seen a cheque...so will have to follow up with the bond place tomorrow...yay $720 coming my way lol...so yep things are on the up !

Well i am starting to feel better. After only sleeping a couple of hours sunday nite i was feeling like a zombie. But last nite i was asleep at 8.30pm and slept thru till 7am! I am still a lil tired today...so another early nite tonite then hopefully then tiredness will settle down. I feel better already...not really thinking about too much of anything which works perfectly for me! lol

Last nite i got some very exciting news! For those who dont know my dad died when i was 14, after he died we lost contact with family members...(thats another story in itself!) anyway my sister made contact a few years ago...and i did recently with one of my aunties and one of my cousins. Anyway my aunti messaged me last nite and said if her and my other aunty come over would i meet up with them? I of course said yes! So they are now coming down the weekend of may 22, i will also be meeting up with my cousin who i havent seen since i was at least 7 plus my sister and nephew may fly over for it - all very exciting!

Anyway not much else going on...super early nite for me tonite...enjoy all!

Well let me preface this post by saying...i know just stopping antidepressents is never wise and the fall can be very hard...so no need to post kazz you shouldnt have done that...I KNOW...but...lol....sometimes i never learn ;)

So heres the story...since ive moved to the new place i havent felt focussed...ive felt jacked at other people getting in to relationships and out drinking whilst im busting a gut at the gym...sure ive hit 50 kilos...but in reality to get to where i REALLY wanna end up i still have 53 kilos to go...and since moving ive been mostly good with my food...and since back at the gym been real good with my exercise...but i just dont feel like myself. Combine that with the fact my contract for the gym is due to expire in a few weeks...i spent a real bad nite last nite. Where it kinda in my head just exploded...i would have been lucky to get 3 hours sleep...and the whole time i was remembering a conversation from the day before with Jody where she said "have you gone off your meds cos you dont seem like your normal self" (and gawd damn i hate when she is right!) Anyway after barely sleeping...i got up in a zombie state...went to work...minute i got in the car ryan was like whats wrong? Anyway he got snapped at a few times lol...anyway i lasted half an hour at work and i knew i wouldnt get thru the day so i went to the docs...had a long talk to the doc...this time they have decided to put me on a lower dose which makes me feel better...so i have a script for one month then go back. Then tonite knowing that one of the best things for depression is the gym i headed off there. Me and fiona had a big chat...she actually looked at it completely different (of course!) she was like you were really worried before you moved it would take you months to get back on track...and your reigning it in within a few weeks. She also said from her experience people on big weight loss journals seem to go in these cycles...but as she pointed out i reign them in a lot better then i use too. So my aim is not to obsess over the fact im not "100% focussed" im gonna keep doing what im doing eating good and exercising...and hopefully once the meds kick in i will in a few weeks time just be where i need and want to be.

That said i nearly didnt post this post but i felt i needed to be honest....but i may be quiet for a few days...as my focus is just gonna be on catching up on sleep, exercise and some good eating.

1100 calories burnt - not bad !

Well yesterday turned out to be a real big GYM day. I actually worked out for a hour and 50 minutes in the end lol...i did my 7 flights of stairs ... 10 minutes walking on the treadmill...weights session with fiona...then week 1 day 1 of the C25k program...then 10 minutes on the cross trainer and 5 minutes on the rower! PHEW! 1100 calories burnt tho :) so i have burnt 2000 calories in 3 days thats a damn decent effort. Of course this morning tho i have woke up quite stiff and sore,,,,my lower shoulders hurt as well as my upper thighs. So this arvo i will head out for a walk to stretch those leg muscles.

The crazy thing is my scales have gone up again. So as off this morning they are sitting as 121.7 kilos. Now i know the first few days you increase exercise your body will hold on to fluid. But there is also the question about my calories. I cut them back to 1450 calories as i didnt feel losses averaging 600 grams was enuff...but realistically....600 grams per week would have me at goal next june. I think where the battle in my head is...that i keep thinking "im still 120+ kilos i should be losing more". So i actually left a post on the calorie counting forum i go to and most said i was really leaving myself very lil room to move as i get closer to goal. So i have decided to go back to 1800 calories...if i have 3 losses in a row that are 500 grams or less then i will cut back to say 1650 nothing too dramatic.

I tried to make the raspberry & choc brownies yesterday they were VERY unsuccessful so i threw them out. Instead i made the chicken, semi dried tomato and rocket sausage rolls. I took them to mums...i come out to where the food is and my 8 year old nephew says "who made the sausage rolls they are great" hehe so anyway last nite mum had up for offerings crumbed chicken pieces, marinated roast chicken with skin, garlic bread, filo pastries, sausages, potato bake, etc....i took 4 of my sausage rolls and a serving of a green salad ;) Then dessert came...apple crumble and icecream (!!!) ack...apple crumble would have to be one of my favourite desserts...mum used to make it for us growing up and her version was to die for and is PERFECT with vanilla icecream...luckily this was not home made so not as tempting so i said no and sat there drinking my pepsi max lol so i thought i did really well.

Then miss 5 wanted me to get down on the floor and play dolls...lol...so we did that...im going over again tonite for dinner (more sausage rolls i think lol) and im guessing more doll playing.

Today ... well its nearly 11am and i am still being lazy in bed! lol Will get up once this is finished and do some housework and maybe some more unpacking...before i head off for a walk and then this arvo hopefully i can relax some.

Okies have a fab sunday all...off i go!

PS i will post the recipe for the sausage rolls on the food journal later today!

I'm a rockstar!

last nite at the gym i was talking to fiona and was saying about the "sausage roll drama" and how i pigged out on them...and she turned around to me and said "what is the plan going to be with your cooking that this doesnt happen again?" not a big question but it was a question that made me go...this is what i have missed and what i need...i need that person whose just on my side 30 minutes at a time 3 times a week...where i can give myself to my journey and focus purely on that. The answer of course was quite simple...dont make those types of things unless i am taking a plate of food somewhere (just like i am doing tomorrow!) But it again reminded me of yet another reason why i wouldnt give up fionas PT sessions for all the money in the world. I was thinking coming home on the bus last nite...and this may sound weird...that as well as the gym and all its benefits i like that this is something i go and do....that no one else in my world has any involvement in...is that weird? It seems kinda selfish...but i love that its just my place...that no one i work with or family or friends are there...im not gonna have someone walk up to me and say "hi kazz" ... no one to intrude on my time there and no one to distract me...its really a time where its COMPLETELY about me...and i can give me and my journey 100% of myself...mentally, emotionally and physically.

And with this whole journey and the whole mentality that comes along with it....for a long time i have just thought "when will the losses stop" "when will i give up on this journey" i may not have verbalised it but i certainly have thought about it...it hasnt seemed that "me" the 170+ kilo girl...could honestly get down to 76 kilos...i mean why would i ? I had 94.9 kilos to lose...i had doctors tell me at the very MOST you can expect to get down to 100 kilos...im the girl who sucked at athletics. Im the girl who hated cross country running...that was scared to catch a cricket ball when dad threw one to me...sure i did ballet...and i liked it...and even tho now as a adult i know ballet is a "strong exercise" where you need a strong body...i never saw it as that in the past. It was a place to go chat with friends...dance to some music... What i am starting to realise is i am strong. Fiona constantly tells me i do some of the biggest weights of a lot of her clients...i run...i box...i even manage to do that bloody TRX contraption (which i have again tomorrow UGH) and while sure i may not be about to go to the olympics...im hardly a slouch at the gym.....i dont think i will ever star at these things...but ill certainly consistently work to better myself...after all the only competition i am in is with myself. I have successfully lost 50 kilos...its time to just accept "darn hell i rock at this weight loss/fitness gig"...ive done awesome...a slight bump in the road the last few weeks but im continuing to do awesome. I have seen so many people come and go with the weight loss thing...not many i have seen lose 50 kilos...and while it isnt a competition...its about darn time i think "you are a rockstar" cos i am...i know i am...ive known it for a long time...but to put it out there and acknowledge it to others is kinda scary...what if i fail down the track after ive told people i am a rockstar? Well i will flippin pick myself up and get on with it...i cant fail at this cos i have already succeeded....sure i can stumble...but i can also dust myself and get back on track. So enuff with my depreciating attitude of myself...i may still have weight to lose but im no longer the "fat girl" stuck in a corner unable to do anything...instead im the getting slimmer girl who has work hard to get her life back and will continue to do so....and whilst doing it im gonna acknowledge how good i am...whilst still working my lil ass off....

Time to resign a new contract for the gym this week...

Oh and did i mention "im a rockstar!"

Well went to the gym! And i burnt 971 calories! holy hell :) So i climbed my 7 flights of stairs 2 stairs at a time not holding on to the rails...then did 20 minutes of relatively slow walking...then did my 30 minutes of boxing...then 10 minutes at level 3 on the xtrainer and then 5 minutes on the rower. Not bad 971 calories in 90 minutes. During PT i told fiona i had considered giving the gym up....but i didnt go into why except saying i had got into a habit of not attending. Fionas response was i know where u live! lol anway even tho i felt quite alien at the gym tonite and my body didnt seem to move quite as good as normal...i am glad i went...i realised i missed having fiona there to bounce thoughts of. But just to clarify im definitely not giving up...compromising with going out on friday nites wouldnt really work cos i know ill wanna drink and that wont help...i have every intention of focusing 100% on this for 12 months...then maybe after that i will be close enuff to goal to cut back to two PT sessions per week. But in all honesty i still need 3 sessions per week. Anyway another good day....i was set for 1600 calories today and i ate 1650 calories...but considering how many calories burnt i dont think thats a issue lol

Off i go...this princess needs some sleep!

Yesterday everything went good...i ate 1251 calories...again i woke up a heap of times to go to the loo ... but the scales mvoed down nicely again this morning so is all good...this morning i was over my 50 kilos lost which was nice!

In relation to my gym vs social life i think a big part of it is just the break i have had from the gym. I missed it the first few days....but then i got into a routine of no gym...and to be honest laziness has prolly occurred. I think in a week or two time i will be back in my normal groove. Its not like i dont go out at all i do...its mostly the friday nites i dont do...and i know i would drink...and that really does me no favours...and really my weight loss is still really at a "saving my life" stage...so my thought is completely focus 150% on this for 12 months...by then i would hope i am under 90 kilos...and i can pull back a lil to 2 PT sessions per week. Its all just about where my focus is i think, and with that...gym TONITE! I think once i get back into it i will be much more focused

Have a good day all :)

Well today is going good ! Yesterday i did stick to the 1400 calories. Interestingly altho i didnt increase my fluid intake i woke up twice during the nite for a toilet stop and then ta-da the scales had gone down by 700 grams over nite :)

Today i have been on 1300 calories and with dinner i have eaten 1241 calories...which has worked perfectly. Tomorrow i have a whopping 1600 calories yay :) And since its back to gym nite might even treat myself to a yiros for dinner.

I have a confession to make i was considering quitting the gym :( i had a 24 hour period where i was really second guessing some stuff. Dont get me wrong i really do enjoy the gym...i love how strong it makes me and how its changing my body...but sometimes i sit back and i see all my friends going out on friday nites (i have PT sat mornings so i avoid going out friday nites)... they are having a good time...drinking their alcohol etc and hooking up with gfs...and that was one of my goals...to at least go on a date! lol or even better get myself a relationship...so here for the last year i decided to really focus...havent gone out too much...no drinking...and dont get me wrong i am satisfied with what i have accomplished...and i do feel better about myself...but i sometimes feel im busting my gut doing what i need to do but it just feels those "goals" are still a million miles away. I was telling my friends Joe and Ryan about it today and Joe was like...you quit the gym and i will give you a good slapping! lol Of course i got my head a bit straighter on...and get i just really need to focus on this cos its more then just about a partner its about saving my life too. My contract for the gym is up in about 4 weeks time...so i will really need to make some decisions in relation to that.

Okies off i go!

Well today all went really well! I was on 1400 calories today and i ate 1351 calories woot! I did feel a lil hungry prior to my meals...but not overly hungry so right at the moment i think the calories work. Tomorrow is a 1200 calorie day. But i dont think that will be a issue at all. I did a 30 minute walk tonite...i really noticed that my heart rate just doesnt get high anymore from plain old walking...it sat between 55%-61% and i didnt even burn 180 calories...prolly not overly surprising cos i know i am much fitter then i use to be. But lol at the gym...i dont consider myself doing a "workout" unless im at 65% or higher...and of course 170 calories is a long way of 450 calories per day...but thats ok ... thursday is when everything will really kick up a notch exercise wise.

Saturday nite mum invited me over for dinner...there will be 5 kids there and 7 adults...argh....lemme explain my mums house is not kid friendly! The thought of 5 kids...is a lil insane...but its a chance to see my sister..and prolly better then sitting home saturday nite ;) anyway so i said to mum "whats for dinner?" she was like "finger food...like quiche...but there will be a green salad!" oh lucky me...rabbit food! lol...so...if i do go think ill make some stuff to take...was thinking ill make more sausage rolls...but this time for the filling..chicken mince, and semi dried tomatos ...somes yummy eh? I could have a couple with salad and leave the remainders at mums! I also thought ill make a chocolate and cherry brownies...i have a recipe for them...167 calories each...again ill only leave a few here...and rest can stay at mums. Saturday is a high calorie day (1800 calories) so i could work in a few of the sausage rolls and one brownie.

Funny i found out today robyns is in a relationship now....so the 2 girls a lil over a year ago i was interested in...have gone on and got in a relationship...and me...still bloody single! ugh

Okies off i go time for NCIS!

Rethinking...

My god...post number 3 for the day! After my earlier post about increasing calories...i was like...ok kewl...2100 calories per day. I wasnt too concerned because i knew it fitted into what most of the calculators online say. Anyway food wise was good at work...then went to mums for dinner...i asked mum to roast a tomato...she was cooking turkey and i also took barley salad with me. Then when i got to mums I discoverred she had a bowl of mini easter eggs...and my brain "they are only 32 calories and i have 2100 calories!"..8 mini eggs later...and my brain is really thinking...how slack did i just get? I ate a pile of friggin empty calories for a few moments of nice tasting...while chocolate may have some good antioxidents...there is nothing nutritional in them...nothing to help build my muscles...nothing to help my body perform better. Anyway after dinner mum offered icecream which i declined. Came home...looking for Jillians book (obviously packed away) so i pulled out michelle bridges book and went to calorie calculations. Now lets honestly think about this...first week of the year i weight 134.4 kilos....on that basis i had worked out i could eat 1800 calories..that 12 kilo difference whilst not huge has made a huge difference to how many calories i can bank on earning as part of exercise per day. Back then in 70 minutes i could easily burn 700 calories or more. Now as my weight has dropped i am looking at i can guarantee over the week 450 calories per day. Whilst i have still lost relatively consistantly...no wonder the numbers had dwindled! duh! So i sat down with calculator in hand....and uh-oh to lose a kilo per week she says 1400 calories per day (quite different to 2100 calories) I want to lose a kilo per week...of course i am happy with any loss...but if i was to be happy with what i wanna aim for it would be 1400 calories. So then it was to work out my cycling off calories ensuring monday, thursday and saturday are my high calorie days...i did that pretty successfully i think:

tuesday 1400
wednesday 1300
thursday 1600
friday 1200
saturday 1800
sunday 1300
monday 1600

The last 2 days have been pretty shitty food wise and it does worry me a lil cos i know when i moved a couple of years ago it took me months and months to get back into things. While i havent vocalised it (well cept to fiona) this has been one of my concerns. That i will have trouble getting into the focus i previously had. I know if i was to mention this to fiona (which i did before i move) she would tell me to just focus on today and stop being so hard on myself. Easier said then done. I do truly believe her influence and the impact the gym has affects this a lot for me. I have 2 days left before i go back to the gym. I should be home by about 5.15pm tomorrow nite...so when i get home first thing i will do is chuck on my workout gear and head out for a walk. Nothing ground breaking cos im not sure how long it will be light...but will aim for a 30 minute walk the next two days, then back to the gym thursday. As its now heading towards winter and evening walks arent really doable i will aim to go to the gym most if not all week nites. I need to start doing what i say...i said to ryan just today i want the next 12 months to completely focus on my weight loss...not clothes or going out or anything else...then a few hours later im eating chocolate...INSANE (that said i still plan to socialise etc but healthy living is the number one focus)

So tomorrow being tuesday my number one aim is to stick to 1400 calories and 30 minute walk. 400 calories per meal plus one snack of 200 calories...completely doable. I will report back in tomorrow nite to let you all know if it was a success or not!

I have decided to up my calories this week. This is something i have pondered for a while. My losses this year have been good...but the fact most websites recommend i eat higher then i have been has always been in the back of my mind. If i can eat more and maintain my losses or even increase them then id be insane not too as it will give me more room to move at different points where I struggle in the future. Of course this could fall into a pile of poo when i realise i am eating too much...i will watch the scales carefully over the week. At the very worst ill maintain and i dont really think thats a drama...scales are not what its about for me...whilst i love the numbers dropping...if in this week returning to the gym i simply maintained i would be fine cos i know getting back into exercise and doing a couple of hard sessions (which thursday and saturday they will be) my body may be saying "what the hell?" this week anyway...and sometimes i just love knowing its not about the scales...its about fitness levels etc.

That said im busting to get out their and do my weight program again...and do a good thorough workout of boxing. Also thursday nite i will do the first session of C25K.

Ok off i go

Sausage rolls are evil :(

Yes they are! They are yummy as crap (the Thai pork ones i made) but they are very moreish and for the girl who loves bakery goods they really are not good in my house. When i get home from work tonite i am throwing the remainder out.

This easter is caught me out a bit. I havent done a big shop of filling up the freezer yet...there is not one piece of meat in the freezer...last nite really wasnt a good "healthy eating day" not the end of the world...but i ate too many of those blasted sausage rolls. And whilst eating them i was sitting there thinking i NEED the gym and fiona so bad lol i dunno what it is about the gym but it gives me more motivation then anything else does. I know the minute i walk in there things will fall into place...that said i lost 3.6 kilos last week and hopeful i will still have a loss this week. But in all honesty its not about the losses...i want that full focus i have when at the gym...in case i havent mentioned it lately...i love the gym lol...there is no way i could do this journey without it...i know plenty do and good for u if ur one of them...but we are all different and i am very aware of how essential the gym is to me journey...and im ready to get back in there and back to the state of thinking fiona is mean lol

Went out for a lovely lunch yesterday. At a place called wild thyme which is a organic cafe ... was real nice...only thing was i ended up with the runs (from the orange juice i think). I also managed to buy quinoa there so i will have to try that one nite soon.

Today i am working...bit of a bummer working on a public holiday...but awesome money so i will deal with it...tonite i am off to see my sister, niece, nephews and co...have a good easter monday all!

Progress pics update

I must say i am rather impressed with these pics (if u ignore the tummy sticking out!) AMazing what 3.5 years can do...its been a long hard slog and i still have a long way to go but im so proud that i have stuck it out when the going was tuff...these pics just prove that im on the right track..ill be back for a longer post later!

OK i have FINALLY set up a recipe blog and the first recipe is on it...Thai Pork Sausage Rolls...so make sure you visit and lemme know if you enjoy the recipes!

kazzs Recipe Blog

Im Back!

Well yes my journal is back here...sorry to confuse the crap out of everyone...but i had mucked around with the old journal for several hours with no luck at fixing the problem.

Had a good day today....made the baked barramundi...heres a pic



The dinner was super yummi...and only worked out too 325 calories. I marinated the vegies in olive oil, garlic, basil and pepper. The fish i sliced some lemons which i put on alfoil...then placed the fish....put some pepper, thyme, lemon juice and olives on it then wrapped it in the alfoil and let it sit in the fridge for several hours ... then i cooked it by placing it straight into a wok...didnt even take 5 minutes to cook and was delish. The vegies i did on the george foreman grill.

I have cleaned the top floor of the old unit today....only have a lil bit left to do...and then move the garden pots down here and i am done! I may actually have this all finished by this time tomorrow...gawd that will be the best news.

SIX sleeps and im back at the gym i am SOOOOOOOOOOO Ready to get refocussed and start to trounce this exercise and do more work towards toning this bod of mine.I tried on some size 18 pants today with a black t shirt size 20...admittedly the pants have stretch to them...but yanno i looked in the mirror and thought i almost look "normal" in a lot of things in my life i wanna be anything but normal! lol But this was a nice feeling and just testament to the hard work over the last 3 years.

Tomorrow i am also off to get my eyebrows waxed.....i havent had them done for gawd knows how long (yes jody i know u are prolly saying "wax those damn things and u will lose a couple of pounds" lol) its nice to know i can spend some money on me again. Oh and i am gonna buy some chocolate too! But im gonna hunt for some that is 70% cocoa or more as thats better for you - have a good easter saturday all!