Friday, April 09, 2010

I'm a rockstar!

last nite at the gym i was talking to fiona and was saying about the "sausage roll drama" and how i pigged out on them...and she turned around to me and said "what is the plan going to be with your cooking that this doesnt happen again?" not a big question but it was a question that made me go...this is what i have missed and what i need...i need that person whose just on my side 30 minutes at a time 3 times a week...where i can give myself to my journey and focus purely on that. The answer of course was quite simple...dont make those types of things unless i am taking a plate of food somewhere (just like i am doing tomorrow!) But it again reminded me of yet another reason why i wouldnt give up fionas PT sessions for all the money in the world. I was thinking coming home on the bus last nite...and this may sound weird...that as well as the gym and all its benefits i like that this is something i go and do....that no one else in my world has any involvement in...is that weird? It seems kinda selfish...but i love that its just my place...that no one i work with or family or friends are there...im not gonna have someone walk up to me and say "hi kazz" ... no one to intrude on my time there and no one to distract me...its really a time where its COMPLETELY about me...and i can give me and my journey 100% of myself...mentally, emotionally and physically.

And with this whole journey and the whole mentality that comes along with it....for a long time i have just thought "when will the losses stop" "when will i give up on this journey" i may not have verbalised it but i certainly have thought about it...it hasnt seemed that "me" the 170+ kilo girl...could honestly get down to 76 kilos...i mean why would i ? I had 94.9 kilos to lose...i had doctors tell me at the very MOST you can expect to get down to 100 kilos...im the girl who sucked at athletics. Im the girl who hated cross country running...that was scared to catch a cricket ball when dad threw one to me...sure i did ballet...and i liked it...and even tho now as a adult i know ballet is a "strong exercise" where you need a strong body...i never saw it as that in the past. It was a place to go chat with friends...dance to some music... What i am starting to realise is i am strong. Fiona constantly tells me i do some of the biggest weights of a lot of her clients...i run...i box...i even manage to do that bloody TRX contraption (which i have again tomorrow UGH) and while sure i may not be about to go to the olympics...im hardly a slouch at the gym.....i dont think i will ever star at these things...but ill certainly consistently work to better myself...after all the only competition i am in is with myself. I have successfully lost 50 kilos...its time to just accept "darn hell i rock at this weight loss/fitness gig"...ive done awesome...a slight bump in the road the last few weeks but im continuing to do awesome. I have seen so many people come and go with the weight loss thing...not many i have seen lose 50 kilos...and while it isnt a competition...its about darn time i think "you are a rockstar" cos i am...i know i am...ive known it for a long time...but to put it out there and acknowledge it to others is kinda scary...what if i fail down the track after ive told people i am a rockstar? Well i will flippin pick myself up and get on with it...i cant fail at this cos i have already succeeded....sure i can stumble...but i can also dust myself and get back on track. So enuff with my depreciating attitude of myself...i may still have weight to lose but im no longer the "fat girl" stuck in a corner unable to do anything...instead im the getting slimmer girl who has work hard to get her life back and will continue to do so....and whilst doing it im gonna acknowledge how good i am...whilst still working my lil ass off....

Time to resign a new contract for the gym this week...

Oh and did i mention "im a rockstar!"

5 comments:

Katali said...

Yeeeah! Yes you ARE! I'm glad in such a good frame of mind! :)

Martine (email: mdally@internode.on.net) said...

About time, I am so glad you are acknowledging what you are doing and am accepting that what you have achieved so far is great. With the sausage roll situation, you have come so far in the journey but like us all we have still alot to learn, controlling things like sausage rolls we have to learn to control - suggestion - allocate the amount you want to eat and put them in the freezer, you can always reheat them in the oven !

JustJo said...

Holy crap! That post bought tears to my eyes! You can finally see what we have been looking at all along!! You ARE a Rockstar!! Awesome stuff :)

Andrea said...

Freaking Awesome Kazz - how your mind has shifted in such an amazing way!!! I'm going to take some of this with me and stop being so hard on myself!

Andrea xx

Suz said...

umm, hell yeah you are gonna get to goal! glad to see you feeling freaking invincible...if anyone deserves an ego, it's you! all the best for next weigh in!!!