Friday, April 23, 2010

I was on some forum recently...cant remember if it was 3fatchicks or ww or where (i read so much on the internet it could have been anywhere hehe!) anyway it was a thread talking about psychologists and whether it was a necessary aspect for weight loss. It reminded me how not that long ago (2 years ago maybe)i thought i needed counselling...i have various issues from my childhood...i have a mother who made decisions that i think were wrong and not in mine and my sisters best interest. I also had what i realised now was a slightly dysfunctional relationship with my mum. I had ALWAYS tried to please my mum...i could never lie to her....if i did something wrong i would tell her (i even told her the first time i had sex!) i thought my mum could do no wrong...anything i was pondering if mum gave a differing opinion...well then my opinion was wrong! Then a few years ago...i started to realise that maybe she wasnt thinking as highly of my opinion as hers....I knew being a lesbian she had issues with that...and i think it was the first time something that was such a integral part of me which she couldnt even pretend to support. When i suddenly realised my mum is not perfect...she doesnt know all...and when i accepted hell yeh she made some mistakes...i could step back...and put some blame on to her instead of thinking there must be something wrong with me...cos my mum would never do wrong. Stepping back was the best thing in the world for me...gone was contacting mum several times a day...suddenly i was doing my thing in my way....i didnt run every decision past fact i dont run any decisions past her these days...i might mention it after the fact...but they are my decisions....i need to live with them....good or bad. Being a lesbian there is a huge part of my life my mum doesnt want to know about it...and that also is her choice...she makes her own decisions and she will live with that not ashamed...and should she ever open herself up to that part of my life i will happily share it...but i dont think i am wrong...i think i am doing what makes me happy....and if i dont make me happy for myself by myself....then i will never be happy while in a room full of people. So now i had stepped away....was making my own decisions...then i had a family drama (over my sexuality) this led to me taking a big step back from my mum and her husband. It wasnt a easy choice to make but i realised it was a necessary adults we have the ability to choose who is part of our lives...good or bad...i knew if i was ever going to have a chance at being happy i needed to step back from them.

Nowadays things have improved....i dont argue with my mums hubby (he likes to rile me up) so every time he discusses politics...or is racist....i go off into lala land lol...i see my mum every few months....either when my sister is down or i arrange to meet mum for lunch...i dont call her every day (i rarely call her) i send the occassional message on skype...all these things i came to conclusions by myself...initially they were hard...because of the type of person i am....i dont like confrontation and i let others make me feel guilty...but this was important not only to my life but also my weight i am at a nice steady place...i dont feel aggression over stuff from my past cos i now have controlled the now and future.

Last nite i posted on FB im gonna do body pump twice this week...there it is in black and white! Fiona saw it and said she will have her spies out...i feel confident i can do those classes without too much drama...will soon find out anyway!

Tomorrow is weigh in...fingers crossed for a nice solid even considering walking to the gym tomorrow (i then have a double PT session) i must be feeling better! lol

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