Time at home with nothing but 4 walls is great for thinking. As i said this morning i have been struggling. Tonite i have been sitting here reading my posts from earlier in the year and i have come to some conclusions. I went to the gym eating program for accountability...i do primarily think there eating plan is restrictive but on the same hand it works. What i need to do is take back control. I have been trying to eat vegetables lately and not eating that many meals i really enjoy (thats my first mistake) i have to eat what i like....doesnt mean every meal i have to love but the majority i need to enjoy or i wont stick to things. They have of course given me a food plan. And i like that with them i get weighed, body fat weighed and monthly measurements...so i plan to continue...but i am gonna do weight watchers. Next pay day ill sign up for online but still go see the dieticians at the gym for my accountability. Maybe its not ideal but i think it will work for me.

The rest of the week (next 3 days) i am going to rest...come saturday its a big clean up in the house and getting very organised. Monday the new furniture arrives and then i will FINALLY have a lounge suite again (3 weeks without one has been way too long!) and i think that has partly made my lazy cos im kinda stuck in my bedroom when at home.

The other thing i noticed .... some of the things i use to do i havent been doing...i havent been doing my graphics...i havent been playing backgammon. I have been going hard at the gym and i think with the way i am i have thrown myself completely into it without getting a balance and thats my focus. And its not that i think i need to go anyless...but just do those things that are fun in my spare time.

Come monday morning smack bang back on track...that nite i have a PT session at 7pm and i then have a session tuesday morning at 9.45am. I know this is just a lil bump in the journey...i feel much better now ive made the decision of the path to take...i prolly wont be back to post until monday or tuesday so dont get concerned if there is no post lol

Struggling

Yup...there it is i am struggling. The last month has been stressful - family stresses, stressing over the gym, trouble sleeping at nite...and these other things i think have taken away the focus from where my focus should be.

I got TOM this morning and was cramping badly and works a/c was playing up and was freezing which prolly made the cramping worse (i was wearing two tops and a jacket and still freezing) so i knicked off to the doctor, firstly he wants me back on metformin - cos yes i dont take enuff tablets now as it is ! He also talked to me about my weight loss...he thinks i am doing the right things but if it stalls or i stop he said i need to think about surgery. He also put me back onto metformin i told him last time i took it i retained fluid...and the doctor stressed to me in no uncertain terms that the medicationis necessary...and that there is no question that i am insulin resistant.

Anyway yes i have been struggling and more importantly then that my motivation has just disappeared. Today after the docs i came home and slept for 3 or 4 hours...woke up...and felt the most alert ive felt for a while...and then have spent most of the evening thinking. I think whats happened is other stuff has over taken my brain...i normally do a lot of self talk...i tell myself this is my priority, that getting fit and healthy is my hobby, that i love the gym etc etc but with everything that has been going on lately i havent been doing that. What with family stress, the drama over the gym, and just being so damn tired...the gym has dropped in the priority list. I have cancelled the gym for the rest of this week, i am going to rest the rest of this week, lots of early nites...My holidays start 3pm on friday, and my aim is to be back at the gym on saturday morning. I really just want to do some self talk over the next few days. Then whilst on holidays next week i am going to focus on getting my butt to the gym...working hard...and enjoying it again.

Monday June 29

Gawd its monday morning and way to early to be at work :( If i laid down on a bed right now im sure i'd zonk out lol. Did the EA active game again yesterday morning...was really good and i can feel it in my legs a bit which is good, all those squats and lunges i am guessing.

Well yes i did go meet that girl from the pink sofa yesterday and it all went rather well. She is very nice and she does seem interested in me (by the time i got home yesterday afternoon she had sent me a text saying she had a lovely time and thinks i am a lovely woman...and then also left me a message online pretty much saying the same thing) i think at the very least we will become friends altho i get the feeling if i asked her out she would go out. I am only tentative about that mostly because she has not come out, and has only really started to realise recently she likes women and so as i came out 5-6 years ago and past that stage of things...i think that would prolly be a issue (mostly on my side i am guessing)

Back into everything weight loss wise, i was better over the weekend compared to late last week but still not completely on track. But back into it this morning, my weetbix and banana is already eaten and i have water on my desk. Tonite i have PT, im hoping fiona mite text me to say she has a earlier time today as i would really like a early nite tonite.

Okay not too much else going on...have a good day all

Saturday June 27

Well today truly is a much better day. I am still having trouble getting to sleep some nites and this happened again last nite but once i did fall asleep i slept good...i slept thru till just after midday today lol and didnt get up till 1pm...its been lovely and relaxing. I then got up did some vaccuuming and then did my EA active....i love that game ! I did day 1 of the 30 day challenge...burnt over 400 calories according to my heart rate monitor and most importantly had fun while doing it...its much better then working out to a dvd.

Food wise has been much better today (last few days have been horendous lol). The other weird thing is TOM is a week late which i am thinking is cos i have been stressed...and to a degree still am (not about the gym tho just the family situation) I have to just get thru this week (i have a 6.30am start two days this week ugh) but come 3.30pm friday arvo i am on leave for 9 days and freaking cant wait. My sister and her family are apparantly going to be down for 5 of those days, my new lounge room furniture arrives and fiona and eve and me are going to work on that plan, so my whole intention is to get everything back on track and relax and rest so when i go back to work and my gym routine the week after i am not tired...that i am focused and all is going good.

I just watched the movie "he's just not that into you" such a cute movie!

Tomorrow i am meeting someone i have been chatting to a lil off the pink sofa...its not a date or anything...but possibly its the start of a new friendship we will wait and see.

Okies off i go all...have a good saturday nite !

Friday June 26

Well today is a better day. I went to the gym last nite, admittedly i considered not going, i also considered taking a break for a few week and also considered just chucking it all in, but in the end decided to go and see what happens. So me and fiona go in the small RPM room and we start talking she basically said she takes some blame for what has happened (altho i disagreed) basically at this point she has said her and eve simply want to help me to reach my goals and not worry about it all...when im on holidays they are planning to do one session with fiona and eve where a plan will be made on reaching my goals...which will be based on what i want and not what they want. But once thats done everyone will know what i am aiming for and their place within it. Then as we were talking i started getting really hot and next thing i was like i need to sit down lol i am all dizzy LOL so the stress all got to me lol Anyway fiona also said it could partly be a personality clash...as im quite laid back and so i think i get on with fiona good cos she is the same whereas eve is very in your face and bouncy and bubbly. Anyway fiona said eve will only be upset that she has confused and she said knowing eve as she does she will apologise and then things will move on. So i do feel better about things today. I think it is time tho for me to control things more...so i had thought maybe ill take a few days off from the gym. But u know what? That wont get me to my goals...i need to do some reevaluating and stop worrying about everyone else...and that includes with the cardio equipment and the gym classes...no one in those gym classes deserves to be there anymore then me...so the more i think of it tomorrow i will go do body pump. I also bought the EA active game yesterday. I love it what i have played of it so far (ran out of time this morning) The only thing where i may run into some trouble is your suppose to wear the leg strap at the top of your thigh but mine doesnt fit so i have been wearing it just above my knee. But i really enjoyed it...its good the whole exercise mixed in with some games. So i am sure i will play that a bit more this weekend.

Okies have a good weekend all =]


*********************

Oh and a further update...just got a email from eve (the dietician) am just gonna paste it here cos i am a lazy bitch lol

Hi Karyn,

How are you? I hope your week is going well. It's Friday so you know what that means . .
. it's almost the weekend!! YAY!! I had a chat with Coralie yesterday and we spoke about
some feedback you had and I just wanted to say thanks, I really appreciate knowing how
you're feeling and where you're at with everything. It's really important that
you feel comfortable and that we are helping you in the best way possible.

I look forward to seeing you next Wednesday for I have allocated half an hour if that's
going to work for you; I have 6 - 6.30pm free? I thought it might be a good chance for us to
chat and start again fresh. How would you feel about that?

I hope you enjoy your weekend and I look forward to seeing you next Wednesday,


So yep feeling better

Thursday June 25

Yesterday i talked about what im thinking about the gym and the dietician with a bunch of friends at work...one friend said you need to tell her to back off and just deal with ur diet stuff and leave the exercise stuff to fiona...another said....maybe talk to someone at the gym not involved. I am not a confrontational person...more i will stick my head in the sand kind of person. So yesterday i rang the gym hoping to speak to Coralie the manager, she wasnt available so i spoke to Jenna and explained the conflicting advice i am getting and that i am not happy being pressured into working out 7 days per week, i also cancelled my session with eve till its sorted out...cos now that i have broached it i feel it could kinda get confrontational. Anyway Jenna said she would talk to coralie about it, at this stage i havent heard anything from coralie which i am guessing would be cos coralie wants to discuss it with fiona as well as eve. So right at this moment i am kinda in limbo. I am still eating to their diet plan but i did tell them part of me thinks i shoulda stuck with weight watchers. I rang the weight watchers centre in the myer centre as well and made a time for saturday but i may cancel that depending what and IF i hear from the gym. I do have a session with fiona tonite and i know eve is their till 6pm so am a lil concerned about that as i dont want to run into her till this is sorted out. Well i just rang the gym and coralie the manager answered and cant say i am overly happy with the response. She told me she doesnt really want to get involved, she is going to speak to both fiona and eve and she suggested the 3 of us sit down and work things out. She told me her concern is not treating fiona or eve as her subordinate and she wants them to feel empowered to deal with this decision...and okay thats great and all YAY for them...but for me it leaves me feeling about things and kinda makes me feel that as the client i am having to FIX this issue and personally fiona has done NOTHING wrong quite the opposite...so i dont even really understand why the issue is involving fiona....the issue is that eve oversteps the boundary...ugh so peeved about it all. And i think the more im thinking about it...and the issue that its arising i just dont wanna deal with eve...surely she is gonna be thinking...that i caused her issues. So right at the moment im feeling like "ugh" about everything and really wondering what to do.

Onto other things i am a bit sore since the weights workout the other nite...sore shoulders, thighs and butt - musta been a good workout ! Tonite we have boxing...so be good to up the cardio...okies off i go.

Wednesday June 24

Well monday nite i was suppose to go to the gym for PT with fiona. Monday nite came along and i didnt want to go...i was tired, it was wet and cold outside...i felt drained and to be perfectly honest all i wanted to do was cook a nice dinner and crawl into bed. So i rang the gym...my dietician answered the phone...and was like wats wrong? im like nothings wrong just am tired and want a nite off...she was like i think you should come in, if you miss one session you will do it again and this isnt getting to the goals you want...10 minutes later she was still at me to come in...i said ill think about it and call back in if i dont go. Of course altho she made me feel guilty and made me think im losing my focus to be honest. Anyway last nite i went into the gym...walked in and my dietician was on the desk (ugh) anyway so she says to me ... was last nites decision not to come in a educated one...and i was like...well yeh i think so LOL

Anyway then fiona came and got me for our session and she says...ok eve told me something about u not coming in last nite but i didnt really follow...so i explained...im tired...i have long days...i have had some stress recently which has led to me not sleeping well...eve (the dietician) has wanted me exercising 7 days a week and i dont feel like i get much downtime between exercising and running a house and maybe a lil bit of a social life...its not leaving much time for anything. Firstly fiona said she completely understood in regards to eve saying i need to workout 7 days a week...she wants to change things so its not "eve said i had to" and have me drive my exercise plan to what "karyn wants to do"...she also said she doesnt care that i missed monday nite and the reasons i said arent excuses they are just the way things are. So after talking to her i felt much better and already today i feel more motivated, i have to see eve tonite...so not sure what i will say about everything...i am guessing fiona will chat to her but fiona is off today so wont have occurred before i see her. Am i regretting doing the gyms plan? Maybe...i think the eating plan is great and works for me...the issue is that eve is studying towards becoming a personal trainer and personally i feel its crossing the line as in my exercise advice etc should come from fiona in my opinion otherwise i am getting conflicting ways of doing things...currently there is no other dietician at the gym or i would be ringing up the manager to talk to her and transferring to the other dietician...so ill see how things go over the next few weeks i think the big thing for me is the conflict of information. In the back of my mind i am starting to think i did make a mistake and maybe i shoulda just stuck with weight watchers.

My PT session went really well tho, we started a new program she hd me doing arm rows on this machine .... we started at 25 kilos ! Then she upped to 30 kilos and i prolly coulda gone higher and fiona was like thats insane that on the first week of the program you are doing 25 and 30 kilos...i am getting strong gurlies ! We also did these damn squats where one leg is on a step...fiona was telling me her trainer had her doing them today too lol they were a killer. And the other good thing was another 306 calories burnt ! YAY

Okies off i go !

Just tired

I'm tired...not tired like i need a nap...but just feeling drained. Attending the gym after work 4 days per week (and the travelling to the city each day) i just feel tired and bored of it all and a lil over it even. Now i realise i cant suddenly stop going to the gym. Altho that said i didnt go tonite. But i will be back at it tomorrow. I have 2 weeks to go and i have 9 days off work...i will reorganise all my gym sessions that week so that they are during the day...i can have some sleep ins plus time in the evenings for me. Early tonite i was thinking well 6 months in maybe its time for me to struggle? I rang the gym and my bloody dietician answered the phone and wanted to know why i was cancelling...ten minutes later i managed to get off the phone...the other thing is im bored with my warm ups...im bored with 30 minutes on the cycle. I think i should be doing some classes...i think my thinking is still at 150 kilos and 170 kilos...i need to kind of realise that im no longer those weights and i am in fact 20 kilos under 150 kilos.

Monday June 22

Had a lovely day yesterday. In the morning i finished watching will & grace and then went to fellinis for lunch with tania which was super nice and yummii as per usual !

Saturday nite i was suppose to go out with robyn....well lo and behold (ni surprise really) she messages me last week to say she cant afford to go out - im like okay fine. Then on saturday i find out she went out with some friends of mine saturday nite ! So last nite i said...what did you do on the weekend and she is like "oh went to the mars bar saturday nite but didnt drink" holy hell and she said it with not a conscience in the world...next time she says lets go out...im just gonna say no i think its fine we leave it as is.

Very sad situation has occurred and i am incredibly distraught over it (hehe) her royal hawtness has quit the gym..sad sad sad...whats the point of me going to the gym anymore hehe :)

Foodwise been very good...i am hoping i will slide back under 130 kilos this week...fingers crossed ! Tonite i have boxing. I have actually been thinking about going back to doing classes. I havent done any since i hurt my neck...nor have i been on the eleptical trainer. I know why...i feel like such a dork in the classes...like i dont belong...personal training is fine cos its just me no comparison to others...but damn on the cardio equipment and in fitness classes i feel like such a dork and i really wish i could get over that so i could do more variety at the gym.

Not a lot else to say and well its just about lunchtime ! Must head off! xox

Saturday June 20

Firstly before i forget when i trained with fiona the other nite we did the final week of the current program and then she asked me....so next program anything you wanna work on? So *gulp* i said to work towards pushups...omg what have i let myself into????

Anyway last nite i played 30 minutes of tennis while wearing my heart rate monitor - hardly worth the bother on a exercise perspective it burnt a whole 70 calories over 30 minutes...wackado! Today i did a upper body workout with the "my personal trainer" game which was a lot more respectable. I burnt 270 calories in 30 minute and 40% of that was fat burning. I didnt get my heart rate as high as i did when working out with fiona which is not surprising. I didnt mind that game...the first 10 minutes was cardio which is what i prolly struggle with the most. The last 20 minutes was hand weights and plies and pushups against the wall and crunches....all things that i cope fine with. But i will do it again tomorrow. It also has cardio workouts, lower body, yoga and flaxibility. Mite do flexibility or yoga tomorrow. And i also think this week i will get EA action, i keep hearing rave reviews about it my only concern is if i struggle too much with it.

Today i have had a completely lazy day...slept in till 8.30am watched some acropolis now, wills & grace (still gonna watch them this evening) and some 2 and a half men (love that show !)Tonight for dinner i am making my low fat carbonara.

Have decided over xmas i am going to take about 3 weeks off work. From about December 30 thru till about 25th january. Why? Well for one week i have not gone out and celebrated new years eve for proly 10 years or more...last year i had to be at work at 7am on new years day and robyn kept texting me all nite saying come to the party i am at lol so i am determined this year if plans come up...ill be out and about ! Also i am gonna go to Sydney for 4-5 days. An old school friend who recently got in contact with me i'd like to go see and meet her baby before its not a baby anymore lol plus just some spoiling me time!

Tomorrow i "think" i am going to lunch with Tania which will be nice always good having our catchups. Apart from that not too much else going on....but lets not forget...only 2 weeks till i am on leave and 2 weeks on monday till my new lounge suite and entertainment centre arrive !

Oh and in case u missed it i ate mashed pumpkin mixed with mashde potato...wasnt a huge amount of pumpkin but was some....and the aim is now to keep increasing that...ok off to cook dinner...enjoy all xox

Friday June 19

WOW i am super impressed at the moment. Yesterday i was feeling very blah about things (TOM is due any day now so i suspect it was just hormonal) anyway dragged my ass to the gym...and used my heart rate monitor. Super impressive! It showed in 39 minutes i burnt 423 calories...25% of that was body fat burnt...my average heart rate was 74% and the maximum was 94%. Fiona was really impressed...especially that my heart rate got right up there but my recovery was good. Fiona was like i cant wait to get u into boxing with the heart rate monitor. Tonight i am planning to spend the evening doing my wii...will be interesting to see the calories burnt playing tennis on it.

I slept so good last nite. Seems like every 2nd or 3rd nite i have a awesome sleep and then i feel much better the next day. And today being friday i am feeling really good. Tomorrow i will sleep in and i am even contemplating going to the gym - i havent been to the gym on saturday for at least a month, but i may venture in and do a class...i always feel so self conscious in them which is why i seem to avoid the classes lol

Eve wants me to make some vegetable fritters this weekend so will give them a whirl tomorrow hopefully i like them.

Okies not much else to say - have a good day all

Thursday June 18

Ive been a lil slack over the last few days with updating...no reason but pure slackness. Weighed in last nite and gained 1.4 kilos. dammit...the annoying thing is it doesnt really match my scales and so i am wondering if my scales are not being very accurate anymore...so i wont weigh in again this week and see how it all goes next wednesday night. The other thing is ive discoverred that there is sodium ascorbate in it which i am figuring will make me retain a lil bit and i am guessing this will make me retain till my body settles down a bit with these meds.

Foodwise i have been really good since saturday...even had some vegetable soup at lunch yesterday and a mouthful of greenbeans on monday nite ! lol I get my fruit and vegetables delivered and when i did the order yesterday even ordered some pumpkin! Wholly hell i did...im gonna tomorrow nite cut a cube off...yes just a cube lol and boil it and mash it with my potatos and see if that will help me to increase my vegies.

Gawd I added a old friend on to facebook yesterday (jody was chubbs) and who the hell is in her friends list??? No one else but bloomin ang. So today i instead gave her my email addy and said id need to remove her as a friend LOL last thing i need to see is posts by ang.

I got my heart rate monitor tuesday night and tonite is the first real nite of testing it out. So will be interesting to see how many calories get burnt. Its quite a nifty lil contraption...so was expensive but hopefully well worth it.

I am soooooooooo desperate for this weekend and a huge sleep in ! I have had so much trouble falling asleep this week and been so tired every morning blah

Okies nothing else of excitement going on...so off i go...toodles xox

Tuesday June 16

Isn't it funny how peoples perceptions of you start to change as you lose weight. We have a receptionist here...never spoke to me before a month ago. Yesterday i am leaving work she comes out in the reception area and was like "i got told i need to see your haircut, twirl around for me" so weird .... now im not jsut a fat blimp i guess i am acceptable to her lol

I am just amazed...i grew up in sydney and like most kids had a best friend, her name was kerrie and we knew each other from grade 3 but became best friends in year 7, and her family i was really close too there home became a bit of a retreat for me when dad was sick. Anyway as we got older and we moved away me and kerrie grew apart but i became good friends with her younger sister...well her younger sister added me as a friend on facebook today and she is now married and with a baby (i knew about the marriage but the baby was a surprise!) Ill be looking forward to chatting to her.

Went to the gym last nite...since i have gone back to the gyms eating program Fiona has taken a very keen interest in my diet. Anyway i told her about my adversity to vegetables and things that pop in my mouth lol then of course last nite i told her about the blood test results, her son had very bad anaemia so she is quite educated on it. So then anyway she was like i think i will talk to eve (my dietician) about all of this and come up with a plan...she seems to think if i eat a certain vegetable 20 times by the end i will have adjusted to it LOL i dont think she realises how bad i am or what she is letting herself into.

With luck fiona may also go and get my heart rate monitor today YAY will be interesting to see if that helps me.

Robyn cancelled our plans for this weekend. LOL i am thinking they arent gonna happen thats fine....

Okies not much else...enjoy xox

Monday June 15

Lawd monday morning already!

The hair got cut and is rather short...I am still adjusting to it the photo i uploaded on face book doesnt really look how it is now ive adjusted to doing it myself and its so weird seeing so much of my face but i am sure i will adjust.

Yesterday i spent most the day in bed...truly...i was tired and my hip is aching a lot (REALLY sore today cant wait for fiona to streth me out tonite) actually my joints especialy my hips and thighs been hurting a lot the last month or so but i put it down to old age haha now i realise its to do with the iron levels. I also now have a explaination for all the bloody bruises on my legs and why i bruised so much when i had the blood test.

This weekend is starting to look busy, friday nite is a grrls nite at mojo west but robyn is having a clothes party so i may go to her place, i looked at the catalogue online and some nice clothes by the looks of it.

Today im working till 5pm then off to the gym for PT .... weights i am presuming.

After my bad eating on friday this morning I am still 1.4 kilos of last weeks weigh in ... LOL i think i am headed for another gain ! CRIPES ! LOL oh well nothing i can do about that. I have been spot on tho saturday and sunday. Last nite i made a pizza on pita bread i had baked a chicken breast with cajun seasoning put that on it with semi dried tomatos, capsicum, mushrooms, onion, pineapple and cheese - was to die for ! So freaking yummii ! Tonite i am gonna have a marinated steak with mashed potato and beetroot and tomato - yeh i know its weird to eat salad in winter but i dont eat many vegetables so its the price i pay !

OKies off to do some work xox

Saturday June 13

Well well well firstly yesterday i was BAD no other way to put it. It involved pastries and cakes at the work do followed by mcdonalds - eek ! But whats done is done no point griping over it now. Last nite i set up the wii! OMG so addicted ! i love the tennis and i also got this game tv show king party which i love lol its like a cross between who wants to be a millionaire and wheel of fortune.

This morning i headed off to the docs to get my blood test results fully expecting them to say everythings improved your doing great ! Alas that wasnt quite how it went lol firstly my liver results improved he thinks theres no issue with my liver except a fatty liver which will continue to improve with my weight loss. My iron levels are a different story...my iron should be between 9 and 27 it is sitting at 7 which is what it was last time...my saturation level which shoudl be between 10 and 55 and was 10 last time is now 9 but the one they are concerned about is my ferritin which should be between 15 and 150...last time it was 15 it has now dropped down to 8 and the doc told me im now iron defficient which he thinks is related to my PCOS and the fact as ive lost weight my periods have become more and more regular and i am losing too much blood. So i am now on iron supplements plus the pill (last time i went on the pill i bled for 7 weeks which is not what they obviously want so this may be trial and error) anyway if it doesnt improve in 3 months the they want to insert a IUD i am SO not wanting that to be done it isnt funny so fingers crossed the pill and the iron supplements help.

Then i went furniture shopping ! I bought a 2 seater sofa in a chocolate brown colour which is soooooooooo dayam comfy (and i figured 2 seater if i meet someone then they HAVE to sit close to me lol) and a chocolate brown entertainment unit with a glass door which is frosted. Here is a link to a picture of it and here is a pic of the lounge suite, i got the 2 seater as my lounge room is quite small but i love it...they had some really nice cherry cushions which i mite go back and buy to sit on it so nice !

Okies..back to the wii followed by my hair appointment this afternoon...bye all !

Friday June 12

Well its barely after 7am....i have a few minutes before David comes pick me up so im sitting on my steps trying to quickly update this. Yesterday turned out being a day of very different compliments...when i finished work i was walking around the building and walked past Cain who I prolly havent seen for like a year and im like "hi Cain" and he was like OMG how much weight have you lost? lmfao ! Then i went to the gym and Coralie (the manager) was on the desk and said...eve tells me your doing really well...i was like "ugh well i put on this week" she was like yeh but its all about consistency....she then asked me how i am feeling and i was like real good...i feel the difference..and she was like so glad to hear that....THEN fiona and i are doing boxing...and she is literally killing me and she says....you are my guinea pig i test the combos for boxing on you...i was like gee thanks lol...and she said oh thats a compliment i test them on you cos i know you can do them...she was like thats the highest compliment !

I then after bought my wii and also the game "my personal trainer" i read up on it last nite...it sounds real good...gives u a fitness test and then every 10 days gives u another...combined with how well u do on the fitness test and what you want to do (upper body, lower body, resistance, flexibility, weight loss - obviously i will do weight loss) and then it does a program for u and no day do u do the same program...tomorrow i will get the EA active and possibly jillians workout...

Anyway david will be here shortly and i need to go to this event at the botanical gardens...have a good day all ! Its friday YAY

Thursday June 11

Its bonus day ! YAY! I put out the last piece of furniture i needed to get rid of last nite. My house looks so weird as got rid of stuff from the kitchen and lounge room so theres all this space. But of course when you remove furniture u discover how dusty and how much crap is underneath the furniture, plus i have dvds all over the place from me emptying out the entertainment unit...so tomorrow nites job is to tidy and vaccuum and then hopefully set up my WII! YAY how exciting !

Tomorrow i have the strategy event with work to go too so get to wear my new pants and top oooh la la la !

My scales dropped 400 grams this morning so still going in the right direction and which of course makes me suspect if i got on the gyms scales now i would be back under 130 kilos lol im really not stressed over the gain last nite...live and learn people !

Hopefully my bonus and pay is in my account by the time i go to the gym tonight so i can pay fiona for the heart rate monitor...and then hopefully i will get it early next week. The other good thing was i rang the tax dept the other day to find out how much i still owed on my tax dept i was thinking pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee no more then $600 well wackado ! Its only $177 so yay i will get that paid off tonite...such a huge relief (considering i owed $6000 at one time !)

Tonight we are doing boxing...i havent done any boxing for over a week and somehow i suspect this may kick my ass tonite...lol...ok have a good day all xox

Oh and jaxx - well done on getting approved i am really happy for you :)

Weigh In

Okies lets get it out there - i GAINED. yep i did. Does it mean the journey is over? Does it mean the week was a waste? Does it mean i am ready to slit my wrists? nah not at all ! Firstly i gained 800 grams taking me to 130.1 kilos. When i think in retrospect i did have a few days this week which were emotionally stressful (but yay for me i didnt resort to food !), when i was house sitting they had these bowls there they were like asian soup bowls....and i only had only bowl each nite for dinner....then i came home to my huge maxwell & williams bowls and well...yeh my portions may have increased...i also ate a greek banquet...i also had throaties thruout the week...and TWO hot chocolates on saturday...plus im not convinced last weigh in was correct and i DID tell my dietician that ! lmfao. So thats fine...onto this week....life is pretty dandy ! I am about to go shopping for new furniture for my lounge room weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (3 seater sofa and small entertainment unit), i just recieved a email from fiona confirming she still gets the 20% discount on the heart rate monitors so will pay her for that tomorrow (I am getting the FT40) and tomorrow nite i am getting a WII ! Sure i am still girlfriend less but in a lot of ways im not quite ready for that yet anyways but im getting closer to that everyday baby ! oh yeh ! and i am getting my hair chopped off on saturday ! So now if the rash and bruising from the blood test will go away life will be close to damn perfect ! Okies off i go...enjoy all...

Wednesday June 10

Well I was one sick puppy last nite :( Just as i was leaving work i got very hot and a headache by the time i got into town i was feeling like i was going to throw up. But being the glutton for punishment i still went to the gym. Fiona said...wanna do boxing or weights? I was like well I dont wanna throw up on you so lets go for weights LOL. And she was VERY mean...at one point she said are you about to have a dummy spit and throw a tantrum at me? hahhahaa. When i did the fitbill exercise doing the chest press she had me doing 13.75 kilos on each arm while sitting on the fitball and she said to me i cant do this weight while sitting on the fitball...i said "oh rubbish" she was like no serious you beat me at this one LOL Anyway i then came home and was in bed by 7.20pm. And slept thru till i woke this morning...i still didnt feel great this morning so i didnt go to work...i did go and get my blood test done so i have a appointment to get those results on saturday morning.

Last weekend i put out all my "excess furniture" yanno all the crap you seem to gather? And as i need a new lounge suite...the lounge suite went out too...i have only one chair in the lounge room but it goes out tonite for tomorrow mornings collection. The lounge room looks so spacious its bizarre. Next is the challenge of going shopping for new furniture...i know what i want in my brain...so just need to find the furniture. I will hopefully find what i want over the next few weeks for delivery whilst i am on holidays. I will then have a lovely lounge room and if i invite people in it wont be a big deal cos it will look lovely ! And more importantly if i meet someone i can have them over ;) also i am buying my wii tomorrow nite ! omg so excited ! Toys r us has a package with the console, mario brothers tennis and wii sports plus some accessories and also they have the EA action for $74.95 and eb games have said they will match the prices...so i will be getting them from EB Games tomorrow nite YAY

Feeling better this afternoon and will duck into the gym to weigh in and then head back home...no working out or anything...then a nice early nite.

Tuesday June 9

Its toooooooooooooosday lol. Yesterday i was incredibly lazy and spent most of the day watching sex in the city episodes and playing bejewelled on facebook lol. I got a email from the gym on the weekend. They are offering a new service of motivational one on one sessions. They are with the gyms manager...you do one session for a hour then 4 or 5 15 minute sessions, unless fiona suggests i utilise them now i wont do them yet ill wait till i am struggling (bound to happen at some point), they also have hired a physiotherapist to do pilate classes so thats good too.

Today im back on the phones after 4.5 weeks of not being on them...i feel like a fish out of water ! PLUS i am sitting at someone elses desk who has like a trillion toys on this desk ugh its gonna give me nitemares lol

Jumped on the scales this morning .... all looking good ... i should be headed towards a loss this week...i dont care if i only lose 100 grams after losing 4 kilos last week i am not gonna expect a good loss...400 grams would be nice as that would put me under 129 kilos.

I finish at 4pm today and then i am headed off to the gym...30 minutes on that damn bike plus a session with fiona which i think will be weights.

Not much else going on...have a good day all xox

Oh and if anyone wants to see me being incredibly maternal with Tanias baby - go here to check out the pics from the Long Weekend on Jo's journal

Sunday June 7

Had a lovely day yesterday. Picked up my phone in the morning, then just after lunch tania picked me up and we went into town to meet up with jo,tina,sam and martine off the ww forums. After a hot chocolate and a couple of hours of chit chat it was off home to do a quick change and redo the make up before heading out to dinner. Dinner was at a greek restuarant called Eros and while the decor etc of Eros wasnt that flash the food was delicious. It ended up being a very early nite tho and i was home by 8.30pm (sorry tina and girls i didnt meet up with yas later)

Today I am having a very lazy day ;) i have a potato baking in the oven as we speak for lunch. And I just went out and bought the ingredients to make vegetable fritters...yes me ! VEGETABLE fritters...the vegies are all grated so should be fine...my dietician wants me to eat 2 per day as a way to increase my vegie intake so we will see how that goes. Not much else happening...i am about to go and dig up a dvd or two to watch. Have a great sunday all

Saturday June 6

Well i finally had some good stuff happen YAY! Firstly I walked into work yesterday and my boss told me she had emailed me a job she thinks i mite be interested in. Its in the mobile billing department...doing back end admin work as well as billing enquiries..AND its monday to friday so no weekend work ! Applications close on thursday and I am going to apply for it so will work on that this weekend. Then i was sitting at my desk and dan comes up to me hands me a piece of paper with a mobile phone number and a guys number and i am like whats that? And dan is like he has your mobile ! OMG i coulda kissed him on the spot hahahahhha i was very lucky..it ended up with another taxi driver who tried calling people in my contact list...anyway he rang dan...and dan asked who else was in the phone and worked it out for there. So at 9am this morning i go and pick up the phone and by this evening the phone will be working again. Then when i came home from work i played around with my phone connection on the wall and TA DA internet is back and working ! woooo hoooooooooo.

The other big news is i am planning a holiday in july, this is dependant on the job i am applying for but i am looking into flying up to the gold coast for 4 or 5 days. I have been there once before and that was about 15 years ago. I went with a friend and she drove me nuts and i always said i wanted to go back by myself so presuming work doesnt suggest i cancel my leave if i get this job i will be going there in the first week in July. I emailed flight centre to work out some packages for me once i get them i will check online and see what the cheapest is i can get it. But there are some awesome deals...i saw one hotel with a gym...$125 for 3 nites which also includes a $10 voucher for the buffet breakfast each morning as well as a $25 voucher to go towards a massage or facial. I have also looked into a hot air balloon ride while up there...its $195 and includes a champagne breakfast...how cool does that sound????

Today is going to be a great day ! Shortly i go and pick up my phone then this afternoon i am going for coffee with the ww forum girls then tonite i am going to a greek restuarant called "eros" for a greek banquet with work...work is paying for it wooo hoooo so a cheap nite out for me !

How sad was that about Professor Chris O'Brien? I thought he was such a nice guy on RPA..sad.sad.sad.

Okies off i go,,,,,have a fab saturday all xox

Friday June 5

Well i have had a HUGE emotional nite. Lets see went to the gym last nite...did weights...all went well. Came home...mum was planning to come around and drop a few things off that i had left at their place. Anyway my mums hubby was in the car so i went over and waved and said hiya...anyway when their i had installed msn on their computer...and my email for msn is lesbian.princess anyway i accidently forgot to uninstall it. Anyway so he anyway had a huge issue with the word "lesbian" being on his computer and said "i dont care that your a lesbian but dont want you advertising it and dont want my kids seeing that" (lets understand this the kids are all adults) anyway i ended up walking off while he was still carrying on. But for me its the final straw...completely unsupportive and homophobic ways and im over it. For the last year or so i have contemplated changing my surname back to my dads name (when my mum married her current husband she changed my surname to his) anyway while i wanted to change it i didnt cos i didnt want to hurt mums feelings...but...im beyond it now...i want all connection to him gone...and i want dads surname. So this is something i will look into over the next week or so. So that is my drama of the week. Thats enuff for today...looking forward to the weekend...bring it on...enjoy all

Thursday July 4

Good lawd! The last 24 hours feel exhausting ! As per my previous post i weighed in lost 4 kilos and and now under 130 kilos...i must admit i am slightly worried that the scales were wrong as 4 kilos just seems to much. I questioned eve on them and she was like "im 150% that weight is correct" so will just have to see what happens next week.

THEN i lost my friggin mobile phone ! -cries- i left it in the back of a taxi and the next passengers who got in took it ! The taxi company rang them on their phone and they admitted they have it but everytime i ring it it rings out and now it is switched off grrrrrrrrrrrrrr and on top of that...my internet isnt working ! So i have to fart ass around with that tonite.

Im not sure what to do...as im quite lost without my phone...fiona texts me most training days to alter my times to better phones so i really need it. My mum has a very old phone of mine at her house i mite have to get it back off her...and buy a new sim card, that or ill go looking at phones on the weekend. Plus my home internet isnt working hahahahah lawd what freaking next !

PT tonite with fiona think we are doing weights again.

AND we got our bonus letters today which detail how much our bonus will be next week YAY YAY

Under 130 kilos !

super quick post but had to come spread the good news - i am now officially under 130 kilos...i am now 129.3 kilos and had a massive loss of 4 kilos (8.8 pounds) this week...amazing amazing i cant even put into words how it feels...but right now i am in a place i never thought i would get too and it has just made me realise i CAN DO THIS...i WILL be under 110 kilos come christmas...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Wednesday June 3

Hi ho hi ho its off home tonite i go ! lalalala yayyyyyyyyyyy home to my house with no animals tonite lol. Last nite i was having a shower and the mutts poo'd in my bedroom and then wee'd in the lounge room arghhhhhhhhh bloody buggers ! I think they are severely missing their owners. Tonite after i weigh in i go there, pack up my stuff, feed the animals and then off home i go.

Last nite i didnt end up doing cardio just my 30 minutes of boxing with fiona. She again was saying how my balance has improved...she was saying when i would do kicks before i would be so tentative and now she gets on my case to use a lot of power in my kicks and they are really improved :)

Walked into work this morning and was popping some mail in the mail box at reception when the receptionist turned around and said "you are looking great lately" weeeeeeeeeeee ! I said a big thank you and walked out with a huge grin on my face.

Today i have training from 10am-3pm...bring it on...3/4 of the day with no customers ;)

Tonite i weigh in...i jumped on mums scales this morning and they were looking good...the aim is for 500 gram loss anything over that is a bonus (I have been very good tho so i deserve a good loss!)


okies time for some work...have a good day all xox

Tuesday June 2

I am a dork, a twit, a fool. There it is in black and white. I am really quite mad and annoyed with myself at the moment. I have a ex...her name is ang...we were good friends for about 6 years...got together...were together about 7 months...she lived in america me here...it got too tuff and she wanted some things i wouldnt give...so i broke off the relationship. There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing after the break up and then about 8 months later it completely ended. Anywayyyyyyyyy i really dont miss her as a girlfriend etc...hindsight is a wonderful thing and my gut feelings about certain things were accurate and i realised she was not a healthy person to have in my life. But i have always missed her friendship, and i guess in a way hoped that we would get that friendship back, i even now wonder if the reason i still go in chat at times is in hope she may message me and get that friendship back. Anyway i have thought MANY times over the last couple of years of emailing her and making a effort. In all honesty i wondered if it was just pride of both of our parts that was stopping the friendship from still being there. And i think in a lot of ways i prolly thought if i did message her we would get that friendship back. Well i dont know what possessed me but yesterday i sent her a message (I can hear Jody sighing as she reads this lol) no big email was only a few lines pretty much just said hope she is well...i am well...but that i thought it was sad that we had lost the friendship. Well i got a reply today...hmmm lets see...yeh it is sad we lost the friendship but its for the best, that she is a different person to the person i knew back then (HELLOoooooooooooooo we all are...we are human beings we all evolve continually) which then ended with have a nice life. Seriously ! Have a nice life...what was my response? What a bitch hahahahh seriously it wasnt a nasty email but it also was not a nice email to read...i woulda preferred no response in all honesty. But then again i cant believe i emailed her. Crazy thing is last year...she came online under a different name...we got talking...she was all into asking me about my life...(was only after i discoverred was her) so pretty good for not wanting the friendship. Am i hurt by the email? Nah not really in a lot of ways i couldnt imagine a friendship with her being part of my life these days...do i maybe in my head live in a utopia world and thought having her friendship would be nice? Yeh i prolly do...and thats prolly half my problem. I really have had no involvement with anyone since we broke up...i dated mel for a few weeks...and really havent allowed myself to get close to anyone else...maybe subconsciously i was hoping me and ang would get back together...which in reality is the most ridiculous thing going.

Ok enuff of that chit lol. Last nite i worked my lil ass (ok not so lil) off at the gym...i cycled for over 17.5 km on the bike...i went hard at level 5 for 30 minutes and did 13.5km in the first 30 minutes then jsut went slowly for the next 15....then i did strength training at PT with fiona. We again did that exercise where i am sitting on the fitball and at the end she goes you really dont get what a big deal this is do u? And im just looking at her blankly lol...shes like its a huge deal im super impressed (so its a very big deal that i can sit on it and not wobble apparantly lol)

Jumped on mums scales this morning they show a loss of around 500 grams but i really have NO idea how reliable they are. The mutts last nite drove me nuts...i think the fact im not there much they are missing company. When i was getting ready this morning i could hear them whining at the back door. Last nite when i let them in they were so feisty...especially one...wouldnt leave the other alone in the end i put them outside cos they were driving me fair dinkum nutty. Only TWO more nites there tho ! I really cant wait to get back to my place, and the good news is i scored a 3 day weekend this weekend. Saturday arvo i am meeting friends for coffee and saturday nite i have a work dinner at eros (Greek banquet eek! That work is paying for) but sunday and monday no plans...i plan on relaxing, getting housework and washing done and prolly going to see mum on sunday or monday as is her birthday.

Oh and robyn replied...we are gonna go see a movie and grab a bite to eat not this saturday nite but the next so that should be nice.

Oh and tina i got your message about the speed dating...we had the same issue at our speed dating too..so i dont really know the answer? Apart from having less people or shorter times for chatting to each person.

Monday June 1 Part 2

Yes second post for the day heh. I think i wanna live a lil more. In January when the Leigh and felicity drama occured...i decided to cut back on my going out and focus on the gym. And i am glad i did. I have still gone out at times but not a great deal and really the gym has been my life...now i dont want that changing...its still gonna be where i am every nite monday - thursday. And the other days i wanna fit in 30 minutes of exercise per day. My focus hasnt changed...more I am starting to miss some other things in my life...which i got reminded about by going out with the girls yesterday. I don't wanna start going out and drinking but I do wanna start going out more and enjoying life more...hell i am single after all... i should be out more ! I think my head too is in a much better place these days... i am not getting freaked out by the attention and yanno in all honesty would be nice to go on the occassional date and maybe get to know someone well. I think in a lot of ways i am so scared of that step of dating someone or going out with someone and of course i could say "when you are ready it will happen" well maybe ill never be ready....maybe i just need to face facts that yeh it prolly will be scary but it will prolly be a lot of fun at the same time. Robyn said to me recently...i owe u a nite out....tell me when u wanna get together and i will be there...and since then i have not even mentioned to her again...and she hasnt mentioned it either...prolly thought i wasnt interested as i didnt really comment. And well it doesnt need to be a big deal...maybe just a bite to eat and a movie or something...but i got all deep about it thinking what was the intention behind her asking that. So today i have texted her lol maybe she will think the bitch took too long to take me up on the offer for a nite out LOL we will wait and see. But i think more and more i am realising i am not unattractive...im maybe even kinda attractive in my own way and i am not repulsive...my self esteem will always be something i struggle with but slowly that is improving, but i also need to put myself out there more.

Monday June 1

Headed out to the wheaty with the girls yesterday. When i got there, there was someone i know thru friends of friends but who i havent seen for ages she was like "your face is so skinny now" lol...then she told me i need to go buy new clothes ;) and heres the most bizarre thing....i think the chick serving behind the bar was flirting with me ! Now i dont know this for sure...but when i got there i went and ordered a drink and the eye contact was definitely there...THEN she was collecting glasses came over to our table...there were 3 glasses to be collected...and even tho my glass was empty she asked just me if i had finished with my drink lol maybe i imagined it but regardless made me feel good. Anyway was a nice arvo they have this covered outdoor area now with heaters so we sat under it in front of the heater while it rained.

I have not been drinking as much soft drink lately and have been increasing my water intake and i have noticed today my skin on my face is back to being soft again and im noticing the difference again in my hair YAY next pay day i am getting my hair chopped and coloured it desperately needs it, and the most exciting news is that next pay day i am finally paying off my tax bill...long story of a $6000 debt but yayyyyyyyyyy getting rid of it this pay which means i will have a additional $150 for me each fortnite thankfully.

Tonite off to the gym for some cardio and then PT with fiona think we are doing boxing tonite...ok have a good day all xox