Time for change

I had a big think about things last night following writing that post about the gym, and something i am more and more aware of is i no longer have the ability to be authentic on this journal. I "edit" too much because I am too concerned about who might read a post and what people might think. So i have decided to leave the blog for the moment. I have never desired to be "social media" famous. So for the moment, I wont be posting on here, i am deleting facebook (apart from messenger as thats how family contact me) and also be stepping away from socialising. I want to focus simply on me, weight watchers, food preparation, the gym and work - nothing else.

All things gym.

I ummed and ahhed a lot about posting this and I may end up deleting it or not publishing it lol

Gym experiences. We all have them and some of us have some horror stories. I must admit in my time at gyms until very recently i never had any bad experiences. I certainly was anxious over attending the gym and i personally thought everyone was looking at me and judging me...but of course that wasnt the case.

When I quit my old gym i stated on the blog i was sick of travelling, felt anxious about attending the gym, and needed a gym with more flexible hours. This was all true. I wanted to share this story to show even if something does happen....it doesnt mean you throw your fitness journey in. I hadnt actually told anybody about this till last night...and after i told Martine i kinda knew it was something i should post about.

So I was in a session a group session which was a circuit. I did the first exercise, that was all fine. I then moved on to the second exercise. It was a exercise I cannot do and attempting it would have actually put me at risk of injury. So i called over the instructor....she set up a different exercise for me...i did one or two reps and then it was time to move on to the next exercise. But what happened a female who was on the exercise next to me turned around and said "wait she didnt do her exercise" OMG i seriously wanted to die. Yes i know i didnt do as many reps as i should have but up till that moment i was simply proud to be in that group session...and to speak up when i had something i knew i couldnt do. By the end of the week I had been giving it a lot thought, mostly to the demographics of the gym and did i fit in anymore. I had felt pulled back to this gym many times. I had my success at it 2008-2011. And while i had left and gone to a different gym a few times...I felt connected to this gym. But what ive realised over the last few weeks...it wasnt the gym that helped me...it was fiona...pure and simple. The gym is the same building...but it has changed over time..and I felt i no longer fit into those demographics. The gym i joined i have been a member of before. I am going back to someone I trained with before...I always liked training with her...i only left cos i felt my success was tied to my old gym. This gym has both males and females...and yes it has plenty of females size 10-12 it also has plenty of people on their weight loss journey....and various ages. Going back to the comment that person said about me not having done the full exercise..here is my thought....you or i are not obligated in any group session to do every set or rep. There is no requirement for you to keep up with the person next to you...only person you need to keep up with is yourself. I put this comment down to the age of this person. BUT if you are at a gym or fitness centre where you encounter anything similar...YOU are in control....put yourself in a environment that is right for you, try to remove the emotions of it all and decide where you will get the most success from....but dont let any person stop you from your fitness journey.

I just watched a video clip where 7 of the ex US biggest losers discussed the study that came out recently about how their metabolism was damaged after being on biggest loser. Partly they were discussing how they have neglected weight training (and in fact one mentioned they lost 21lbs of muscle whilst on biggest loser) and we know the more muscle we have the better our metabolism works. Now i have done weight training for years, altho I was definitely stronger 5 years ago. Anyway the biggest loser peeps said something interesting ... "cardio is my comfort zone" and thats so true. Sure the treadmill isnt my comfort zone....but going especially on the cross trainer or outside walking...is definitely a comfort zone with me. With going back to the gym this week (Candice messaged me this morning so sure i will have at least one session with her this morning) I am going to step out of that comfort zone. As much as I am going to focus on my eating with weight watchers...I am also going to focus on becoming stronger which inevitably will mean my muscle is improving. If Candice sets me programs to do in the weights area (she prolly will) then so be it i will do it - time to set out of my comfort zone. Simple as that.

Do you.

Last night was a lovely meal and i stuck to my daily points. For dinner i had "bo la lot" (ithink thats what its called Lol) its lil bits of mince wrapped in leaves, followed by a chicken and cashew stirfry. We then went to a local place called cocolat and had a skim hot chocolate and martine bought me 2 lil bliss balls she had made.

I was home by 9.30pm and tucked up in bed before long. This morning i have woken and while i dont feel sick i also dont feel 100%. So im super glad i did the shopping and washing yesterday....so my plan is just to keep warm and rest today.

Ive been reflecting a lot on my last weight loss journey the last few days and what worked. And one of the things is about "owning my journey". Ive always felt its important to own my journey, my personality is quite independant. I think having online support and even meeting support with a leader is good....but when it comes to the actual journey for ME its very important to own it, put a bubble around me, rely on no one else but me. I dont have that desire to workout with others....to attend weight watcher meetings with others....its very important to me....that this be about "me time". Apart from attending a body pump class once with tania...ive always done workouts by myself....and i think that bubble has really gone around me and i am going to focus on me and no one else (I think this is important for everyone...we all should individually own it...and most importantly not compare). What someone else does....what someone else thinks/says....is not something we should take on...do YOU...no one else.

Ok its nearly 9.30am and i havent eaten yet! Time to find some food....enjoy all! :)

The realisation

So i weighed in yesterday morning and lost 2.5 kilos :) Then sadly tho, as I start at meetings on monday i kinda got in the "i can not track this weekend cos its a fresh start on monday" UGH. So anyway i go to the shops...buy a pile of crap foot. Come home....put a pizza in the oven and some garlic bread.....started to eat it....and apart from how damn salty it tasted i realised i just dont want to eat like this anymore. This isnt the life I want.

When i woke this morning...i went thru all the food i had bought and most of it i threw out. I had some sliced cheese, english muffins and 1 sausage roll and 1 meat pie which i kept. The sausage roll and pie i can prolly fit into my eating one day for a lazy treat.

So today back on track.This evening i am going out for dinner to one of my favourite restaurants. Its a asian fusion place and i always have the same thing LOL. this lil tiny mince things in some leaf that you dip in a chilli sauce....(they are seriously tiny) which i will point at 5 points (in reality its prolly closer to 3 points but thats ok) and a chicken cashew stir fry which i will track as 7 points (3 points for the chicken, 3 points for the cashews and 1 point for the sauce) I dont have rice with it. Which means i can eat out tonight without using any weekly points which is definitely my plan today!

Apart from that i am planning to chill today, watch youtube, do some washine and housework before catching up with Martine for dinner tonight....enjoy all! :)

May 26

Things continue to go good :)

I signed up for the new job. As i was transferring from another gym and had to pay a early contract ending fee and 30 days notice...the new gym is giving me 3 months free :) Cannot complain about that! They also gave me a guest pass for 12 months so i can bring someone to workout on friday, saturdays or sundays. Also any programs they run (like 12week challenges etc i get 20% discount)

As to Kathies question....for where work currently is...i stay on the bus a extra 3 stops and the bus drops me out the front of the gym! Once work moves into the city...it will be part way between work and home (a 20 minute walk to home) but there is a additional club in the city around the corner from where work will be located. Opening hours are much better, considering my work hours will be crazy...the one near home closes 9.30pm weekdays...and open 7-5pm saturday and 8-4 on sundays...and when i spoke to them they told me the operating hours will never decrease....only increase. So at this point just waiting to hear from my trainer to organise a time to catch up then organise things from there :)

Food wise did good today. We had training all day today and there was lollies in the training room...i had some but I pointed them all :) So another day spot on with my points, oh and I had cauliflower soup today...so yummy....ok blogger is lagging ...so im off!!!

Update

Things are going so good :)

After using 22 of my weekly points my aim this morning was to not gain and i didnt....was exactly the same as yesterday...so 126.6 kilos.

So sticking to ww is going so good....so good in fact I decided to bite the bullet and change my membership to meetings...and I will start meetings on monday :) I am feeling so good where the weight watchers is good....and i am sticking to it so well.

I thought more on the gym today and made some decisions. Ill be completely honest....i have one main reason for needing to attend the gym and thats excess skin. My excess skin was bearable when I lost the weight before but i would not want it to be any worse. So whilst i dont love the gym...I need to attend. I did think about doing DVDs at home...but lets face it i dont have the dedication for that lol. I then considered a 24/7 gym (cos lets face it it would be super cheap) but i need support...classes etc. So a few days ago i came to the conclusion i would need a trainer still. I had to decide between a personal training studio and a gym with a trainer. And i ended up going for a gym with a trainer. I spoke to them today and they have advised since i am in a contract with another gym...(which i have cancelled and only have 30 days left off) while thats going on they wont charge me for a membership. As to personal training...the gym is goodlife (where ive been a member before) and so the plan is to go back to training with candice :) I will have a big chat to her about my issues with the gym and how i really want to focus on building my confidence. I feel like this is the right decision. I prolly will tell her initially i just want to do 2 PT sessions a week. She may suggest i do more then that LOL in the past she has written out a program for me to do on my own so we will see.

People may be thinkin wtf is she doing....but heres the thing....sometimes we need to step back....get some clarity....replan and move forward. For the first time in a long time i think i am the right track...and this will be progress. And i am gonna put it out there.....under 110 kilos by xmas day.

Enjoy all :)

Tuesday May 24

Weighed in this morning and was down to 126.6 kilos :) Very happy with that...I certainly feel just focusing on weight watchers is working well.

We had the bbq at work today....and i used 19 weekly points.....so i have now used 22 weekly points...i dont expect to use anymore this week :) Super happy with that.

Following on from yesterdays post. It has really taken me back to the struggles from when I was 173 kilos, and how hard it is for all of us who are obese to tackle the gym. I think cos i feel guilty about not currently going to the gym its on my mind a lot at the moment, and i have realised i genuinely have anxiety about attending gym (and have had for the last year to 18 months) just like i did 8 years ago, and i am sure i am not the only person who has this anxiety.

Due to the limited hours of my current gym I wont be returning to it. When i do return to a gym (which could be anywhere from a months time to when i have lost 20 or 30 kilos) i think i will do things differently. I will do PT again and i will most likely get a male trainer...and what i will be telling them is my first focus will be to increase my confidence and help reduce my anxiety...its not going to be about how much i lift. Its also going to be about building my confidence to eventually get back to fitness classes.

At this stage tho....because my work hours are likely changing significantly i dont know where i would sign up even if i was ready.

Once I also know about my work hours and can work out how often i will have monday evenings off work...if i do have a fair few of them off i will change my ww membership to attend meetings. I am really happy i am taking this opportunity to focus on my weight watchers.

Oh and I have a new favourite vegetable (actually dont know i have ever had a "favourite" vegetable) but anyway its mushrooms and capsicums chopped up and seasoned with salt, pepper and garlic powder and fried in a pan. OMG so full of flavour i LOVE it....and all zero points.....winning!

Exercise

The fact I have taken this gym break has been quite a bit on my mind....let me explain....cos some things have occurred to me.....

Before I trained with Fiona I joined fernwood several times....and obviously quit several times LOL. I didnt enjoy it, it felt like a chore. Then i lucked out with fiona and i was consistent for 3.5 years which i seriously a good deal of that i credit to fiona...and how we clicked. I was very lucky...I dont know if i even truly appreciated fiona as much as I should have at the time. Since fiona left the gym...ive had a number of trainers. With fiona i was very lucky....we not only clicked...but she took a lot of queues from me for how we trained....and she was so flexible with times for training me. While i have had trainers since then who have all been very nice....I havent clicked with them the way I did with fiona.

When I trained with fiona....i remember telling her i didnt like the gym....and we tried to focus on me just not hating the gym. I didnt do anything but a short workout and my PT sessions and it was prolly 1.5-2 years before I went and did classes etc.

I remember even when i got down to 79 kilos and i registered for a boot camp i went to one session and hated it. I remember we had to do like these 20 metre sprints and every time i was the slowest...by a LOT. I hated it...even tho I was small i pretty much sucked!

Catch up to recent times...I have been over the last few years gaining weight. As much as I felt over place at 79 kilos...you can only imagine how out of place I feel now. The gym i was going to caters to office workers...most of the people are smallish and youngish. Not that there is no one around my age....but from what I see they are few and far between....plus i just feel like i am the fattest person there. I signed up for group PT....and all the girls were youngish and smallish and fit. And then there is me....48 years old OBESE woman...and in my head i am just thinking....wtf am i doing here...i dont belong. The gym has become a point of anxiety...there is the travel issue...but i simply just feel out of my element.

SO....that leaves me with what I am going to do now. Yanno....i took the anxiety of the gym off me....and suddenly....im sticking to weight watchers like a champ. End of day 4 and i have only used THREE weekly points. I just think removing the anxiety may be helping me mentally, all im thinking now is all i need to do is focus on my eating.

My thought for the future in relationship to exercise is this. My "fitness goals" is get back to running and maybe the stair climbing. Thats what I enjoyed. While I quite like lifting weights and I know its good for you....its not my focus. So come august/september i will start walking around the lake near work 4 or 5 days a week. I dont think i will join a gym till i get under 100 kilos. Whilst i was thinking about joining a 24/7 gym...when i do return to a gym i will want to do PT (cos thats what i respond to best) and then i will do weights.

I know people are prolly thinking noooooooooo you need to be doing weights NOW. If by not attending a gym at the moment....keeps me sticking to my points then i am all for it until i get down to double digits.

I did jump on the scales this morning....and they have gone down further...so was 126.9 this morning.

Oh and I bought a fitbit blaze! super excited to use it - its currently charging and updating :)

So thats it! Enjoy all :)

Owning it.

Yesterday went perfectly. I put on my post I used 4 of my weekly points but was actually 3 :)

The scales this morning went down again....down to 127.7 kilos. So far today ive eaten my mug muffin (ill include a pic of it from yesterdays) with strawberries and some chobani yoghurt (and only 6 smartpoints), I am about to have a soleil chocolate mousse for 3 points with the remainder of the strawberries.

I was reading this article http://www.people.com/article/jillian-michaels-biggest-loser-study . For those who dont know...there was a study from US biggest loser season 8 contestants...and they came to the conclusion that the contestants metabolism had dropped and a lot of them are posting on social media....this is why we gained the weight back. But jillian talked about this on her podcast and pointed out...that one they are 9 years older now...everyones metabolism drops as they get older....and she pointed out two of the people who have been most vocal about this (danny cahill and ali vincent) kept their weight off for 7-8 years while they did public speaking, sponsorships etc but it was when that all dried up they gained weight back. Anyway...one i wanted to mention this in case some of my followers have read this and thought it was hopeless...its not....you just have to keep up the healthy eating and exercise or you will gain weight. Yes i gained a lot of weight back...not  because my metabolism dropped (and it would have cos im now older) but because i have eaten like ive been on a huge binge fest the last few years. And why? Cos i can. I can pull out every emotional baggage card i like...but thats the bottom line...i gave up on myself and decided to eat into oblivion. But ive realised i am no longer going to be a victim...or fluff it up...i gained weight cos i let bad habits creep back in. This is a life long battle. And what I realised last night....was this isnt a fresh start....or a new journey....its just getting back on the horse and doing what needs to be done...and doing it my way. This is my journey....I own it...no one else does....no one else has the responsibility for it...no one has the benefits and negatives that will come from it...only I do....and so I am back.....and owning it.

I am still taking my break from the gym. But have decided when i do get back to the exercise....all my cardio is going to be done outdoors. Where I currently work there is a pretty lake 5 minutes from work i can walk around....and when work does move we will be 5 or so minutes away from the River Torrens where me and fiona use to do our running. It would feel a much safer environment for me to get into running there...I dont want to be running down main roads of adelaide LOL and since treadmills terrify me so much...I think this is kinda perfect. I can walk for a hour or so either before or after work depending on my shift. I will have to go back to doing some weight work too....but ill prolly just go to jetts for that. There is a personal training studio i was thinking about...but I think I am done investing so much money. I can do this myself I think. If i get to a point i need the exercise motivation then I will consider going there. Definitely while i will do weights....when i get down under 100 kilos....my fitness goals will definitely be running and stair climbing. But for the next few months...ill just focus on my eating and walking when im in the mood.

May 21 2015

So this morning the scales were down to 128.2 kilos :) Todays eating was spot on....I was considering using some weekly points and treating myself.... i have stuck to just my daily points and only used 4 weekly points....I was planning to use some and make today a slightly higher point day...so more then happy with that. Hopefully i will use no more weekly points....and then use most if not all on tuesday at the bbq.

Didnt do much today...played some gammon....watched the latest episode of wentworth and keeping up with the kardashians and then watched the movie "Jennys Wedding"....was a nice relaxing day and currently I am just watching some more of friends.

Not much else going on...just wanted to do a check in :)

Day 1 of weight watchers

So I did sign up for weight watchers for online :) If you want to follow me on the app in the connect section my username is honestkazz

So this mornin my scales said 129.4 kilos and I am on 44 daily points. My plan is to use my weekly points but use them on "big things" .... like i would prefer to use them on a slice of cake...then a few points per day so i can eat some extra pasta or something...kinda like having a high calorie meal. I also want to see if i can get losses while eating the weeklies. So today I stuck to my points exactly :) (I even fitted in a lamb yiros for lunch!) and I also earnt 11 fit points.

On tuesday we are having a BBQ at work...so I am going to allow 20 weekly points for that...to eat exactly what I want. Tomorrow being saturday night I also might use extra weekly points. No idea what on...but will see how I go.

I also got my new book today...your a bad ass.

I am still having a lil problem swallowing altho not as bad as yesterday and I want to make sure I dont get sick so this weekend will be a stay at home in front of netflix and keeping warm kind of weekend :)

Im still convinced no gym for a while. I am thinkin not till at least July. I want this break and also I want to know what my work hours will be before I committ to anything. There are a lot of gyms around my home.....at this point theres a couple of options I will look at....but no decision making at this stage :) Of course if i wake up one day and go....i gotta go back to the gym...and gotta go back today then Ill go back....but thats certainly not my headspace at the moment. Time will tell.

Another update....LOL

So....ok.....lemme explain some stuff!

Firstly im gonna explain some stuff about my job because this is a HUGE factor in some of the decisions i am currently making.

I mention in mid april that my role at work had been made redundant and that I had applied for another role in the company, but never came back with a update in relation to that. So yes I was successful in securing another role with my company :) the thing about this new role tho is it will be VERY different hours and at some point I will most likely be working at a different location.

So currently I have no idea about how the roster will work altho 4 days per week we will be rostered on over 24 hours. What this means is my shifts could be anything from a normal day shift...to a afternoon shift (like say 2pm to 10pm) to a graveyard type shift (like 11pm to 7am) so obviously my lifestyle is about to go thru a dramatic change (that said ive done these types of shifts many years ago) I will not have consistency so going to a PT session the same time every week...or going to a weight watchers meeting the same time every week wont happen....its very likely every week will be different.

Added to that, some point over the next 18 months or so we look like we are relocating our office to the city. Now for me this is good news. And this was why I was persevering with my gym cos they will be around the corner from the new office. But whilst I am tired of the travel now I have also realised that realistically i need a 24/7 gym. Because my shifts are most likely all over the place i will be attending the gym at all random times.

So while yes at this stage im taking a break from the gym. I know i will go back at some point. Maybe in a month...maybe in 3 months....i dont think there is a rush....i want to go back when evergised for it. So anyway Jetts rang me this morning (I had tried them with a 7 day trial....but i did that the day i found out my job was at risk so went once and then my focus was on other things...ie my job) anyway I explained the situation and they offered me a 7 day trial again (and explained they are under new management), there is a jetts around the corner from me and one in the city...and with my crazy hours....i think thats what i need (hell who knows i could even be finishing work at 4am....and wanting to go to the gym...a 24/7 one is NEEDED) so i have decided when i do go back to the gym it will be jetts. Lets face this i have been doin it long enough....i know how to find a weight lifting program....i know how to do cardio....its just about applying myself :)

The next thing i needed to decide on is my eating (which btw has been great today!) So i know i cannot attend a weight watchers meeting with my schedule i will have. But what i do like when i compare weight watchers to MFP is "belonging". While its great that MFP is free their community is pretty harsh and judgemental. While weight watchers has a great online community...with the connect section in the app....facebook groups...instagram...and you tube. Weight loss can feel very solitary and with how my lifestyle will be i do think weight watchers online is the answer for me.

I hope this makes sense. I need to do whats right for me, I dont want to join weight watchers and a week later quit. Going into this as I have talked about recently its about being honest, and i am going to be completely honest....if i stuff up i stuff up....it is just important that i stick to it no matter what. Anyway....thats where my brain is at!

I am having some problems swallowing (hopefully not getting sick) so i am off to bed to get warm, watch friends and catch a early night before i do my friday tomorrow :)

REBOOT :: Day 2

Weight : 128.4 kilos

Well today has been a day of decisions. Ive mentioned before the travel time to the gym, its been a issue for a long time. Dunno if its i am getting older...or its just old news or what....but im done with it for the moment. I also have lost enthusiasm for the gym and to be honest...if you look at my journal every year in May i struggle. Because of that I have decided not to attend the gym until August. August my new role at work starts, it will be very different hours altho i dont know the hours yet and possibly will be working in the city. I dont know how the gym will all fit into that. So at this point i havent cancelled my membership....i will keep it going and if i get a urge for the gym to do a class or whatever ill attend but im not gonna force myself.

The truth of that matter is a feel i "NEED" to go to the gym. I feel guilty if i dont go but it feels like a "chore". And to be honest my current gym may not even work. If i am still working at the same office...but doing crazy hours...no way in hell LOL. I cannot predict my work hours to work out how gym and work will work together...so for that reason ill take a breather.

As to my weight loss how does this impact it? Well you can still lose weight not going to a gym. My main concern is i need some accountability. There really is only 2 options...either i attend weight watchers....or i speak to my doctor about weighing in once a month with him and counting calories. I am quite undecided what to do, obviously i have had reservations about ww....but then again...it works...the other thing is you have to go on at least a 3 month contract and come august i may not even be able to attend meetings due to work...so its hard to decide.

That said im not giving up....just need to work out my tactic going forward. Eating is going well again today and of course was more then happy to see a 2 kilo drop overnight.

Anyway...more tomorrow!

REBOOT :: Day 1

Weight : 130.4 kilos

Its a fresh start

YAY a good day :)

I decided to tackle today a lil differently :) One i tried to eat some different foods, and also as I have been overeating afternoon/evening I tried to eat lighter this morning and also less processed foods.

So breakfast i had two serves (70 grams) of uncle toby caramel quick oats (these are so yummi!) and then morning tea i had a banana (i had been having a protein bar and 15 bbq shapes). Lunch time the cafeteria had pumpkin soup so i had a bowl of that and 2 slices of bread (admittedly white bread). The lunch left me really full :) Afternoon snack time I had a protein bar and a 1 serve (35 grams) of the caramel quick oats again. And then dinner was a chicken salad....baby spinach, chicken breast, feta cheese and avocado and after dinner a caramello bear! It totalled 1711 calories. I was aiming between 1700 and 1770 calories so pretty happy with that. I definitely ate more carbs then is prolly ideal for weight loss...but....it was unprocessed foods (mostly)....within the calorie range....and my sodium was only 1344 milligrams.

My back tho is still not 100%.....and i dont wanna do what i did the last 2 times and not rest it and prolonged the injury. So today i went out and did a 15 minute walk only but didnt go to the gym. I have cancelled the group PT for this week...but I will go to my individual PT session on saturday.

Not a perfect day but a lot better then lately! :)

Where have i been?

So its been a few days....to the point I got a couple of messages asking if I was ok cos i havent posted (thanks girls - you know who you are!)

I was really thinking about giving the blog away (cannot say why) but have decided to keep posting

Anyway...my eating got pretty bad last week. To the point that Sunday I woke up with a real bad backache...each day it is a lil less sore when I wake up then the day before. And by the afternoon once i have been moving around and my back has loosened up its pretty much pain free. I think its from a combination of things....firstly my mattress needs replacing. I am getting a bonus from work next month and so will buy a new one then (anyone got any recommendations for good mattresses? I wanna spend around $1000)...i think whilst ive been back at the gym not exercising as much hasnt helped and my weight is prolly a huge issue to my back.

So my weight! After eating crap...for days it reached a high of 130.3 kilos :( Yesterday I didnt eat perfect but not as bad as the previous few days and did do a 40 minute walk....and so surprisingly the scales dropped to 129.4 kilos.

So here is a story...on saturday I went to the gym. After the gym I thought I will get subway for lunch. Now the lesson to this story is always put the food in your tracker before you buy it! So i was trying to stick to 50 grams of fat per day...I ordered a 6 inch tuna sub with swiss cheese. That lil bugger was 35 grams of fat for that one meal! Now firstly i shoulda tracked before i ate it....but then when it was that high i shoulda gone...ok...im gonna go over my fat today and maybe settled on 70 grams of fat instead (which would have been less then 200 extra calories) but instead i went....stuff it ive blown the day...then one day turns into 2 days etc etc

So i have signed up for food coaching which starts 2 weeks today. So for the next 2 weeks i am just going to focus on 2000 calories per day. I am not gonna focus on macros...or sodium....or anything like that....just stick to the 2000 calories. Then when food coaching starts....the food coach does do "if it fits into my macros" so ill then go by whatever macros she sets me.

I did get a message last night asking me why I dont do weight watchers. Here is my opinion. When it comes to support - i think weight watchers has more support then any other program...specifically online. If you attend a meeting the accountability is good, altho not as good as it use to be. I think having the rewards for 5% etc were good....they still do them in the US but dont seem to here. But i am not a huge fan of their program primarily because of the weekly points. If they got rid of them I would prolly do ww....but i think giving someone who is a food addict weekly points isnt helpful. I also dont want to be tied to any weight loss business for the rest of my life. Myfitnesspal is free and it works, but it admittedly lacks in the support...so much so to the point where I dont even go into their forums because they can be quite judgemental.

Anyways so yes sticking to my 2000 calories per day, and reminding myself....yanno....the donuts...and kfc...will still be there in 1 months time....or 6 months time...or 12 months time...but really at this point my health is now starting to suffer (thanks to the back pain) i really need to knuckle down!

Thursday May 12

So firstly there was a comment about iherb (the website i buy my supps etc cheap) if you do decide to purchase from there you can use this link http://iherb.com/?rcode=SPL539 it will give you a $5 discount and also me a discount :)

The scales dropped again today :) Down to 125.5 kilos so a drop of 800 grams overnight.

I was initially planning to go do body pump tonight but i woke with a scratchy throat and headache so will take tonight off. Presuming I am okay I will go in and do 45 minutes of cardio tomorrow night. I need to make sure I am all good to go for saturday morning as I am doing a 30 minute group PT session followed by a actual PT session. But tonight ill go home...get warm....and catch a early night and hopefully be 100% tomorrow :)

I think I need to find some friends who have a similar fitness level who want to do "events". Whilst yes I can go walking....I think having a fitness goal especially for a event and working towards it is so helpful. There is something to be said for completing a event and saying "i did so and so". I may not run anymore....but to know....I completed the city to bay....is something i love and was worth every bit of work i put into it!

Not much else going on....have a good thursday all :)

Weigh in :)

So I weighed in! Last wednesday I was 127.8 kilos and this morning i was 126.3 kilos, also my body fat is normally around 51-52% But this morning my body fat % was 50.4% :)

Food wise I have had a perfect day. I then went to the gym, and did 15 minutes on the cross trainer (10 minutes at level 10 and 5 minutes at level 5) and then I did a 30 minute group PT session. It was a weights session ... I could do every exercise....maybe not perfectly LOL but I still managed to do every exercise.We did squats with bar bell...I did 10 kilos plus the bar and could have gone heavier...then we did cleans and i did 15 kilos on the bar for that, some bent over flys with 3 kilos, and 2.5 kilos for tricep kicks. We were doing partnering work and at the end the girl i was partnered with turned around and said you did good....:) So i said thanks and she did too.....so its allowing me also to interact with others but im really surprised how i am handling the group sessions.

I was out with friends last night and we were discussing mothers and weight loss....and somethin occurred to me. When i lost my weight I did it for me. But i had gone thru my teens thru to 30's with mum always banging on about my weight...and whilst i did it for me....part of me im sure did it thinking....well this will keep her off my back. As i lost the weight tho i was very disappointed that for all the grief about it she gave me she never seemed too happy when i would tell her more progress....but that is ok cos i was doing it for me. But as i was talking last night something occurred to me...i think maybe subconsciously when mum passed away i may have saw it as a chance to have a break. Kinda like a kid getting up to mischief when the parent is away. That knowing she was constantly on my back about it was gone...i didnt have to do it to stop her from hassling me anymore. Anyway as i was discussing this with my friends i was all like OMG. But after i came home i kept thinking about it....and i think theres some validity to that....but yanno what this is bigger then mum...this is about me....and this completely determines my current and especially future life. If i want to travel and do adventurous things, if i want to meet someone and get my "happily ever after" nothing can get more dediication from me (apart from work...lol...i need money to pay for all this!) But its actually felt today like a weight is lifted. Ive told myself so many times "this is my priority...this is for me" but over the last few years i havent believed it...ive thought it .... but its not been authentic. I KNOW now this is so important and this is for me and absolutely no one else! Im excited to see where my progress will be by xmas...i think i finally have "got it"

May 10 2016

So after last nights not great eating....or now known as the "KFC and donut fiasco" I totally expected the scales to jump by a kilo or two. But the exercise and only having the protein shake for dinner must have helped as it only went up by 400 grams...hopefully it will maintain or drop a lil by tomorrow morning.

I forgot to mention i am going back to wednesdays as my official weigh in day. So....last week I was 127.8 kilos.....this morning 126.7 kilos...will see what tomorrow holds!

I got a iherb delivery today....I love that site...I bought a peanut butter muffin in a mug (which was 20 grams of protein) i had that for my snack this afternoon...with some pb2 on top LOL so yummy. I also got a box of "Oh yeah! One lemon cake bars" they are suppose to be yum and very similar macros to quest bars. I also bought 2 boxes of sachets of peanut butter. There are 12 sachets in each box and they are 32 grams each....one box is peanut butter and the other box is honey n peanut butter. They will be handy for at work...and if i decide to get toast or a sandwich at the work cafe...i can give them the sachet and it will be all proportioned out. If i like the Oh yeah! One bars then I will try some different flavours.

Tonight I went out for dinner with Tania and Martine. We went to Fellinis. I had barramundi with potato,  and sauted cherry tomatos and baby spinach....so yummm....I also had one slice of bread :)

Not a lot else going on....im in bed...gonna watch some you tube...then call it a night....enjoy all! :)

Honesty

Yesterday I posted and said i want to be honest about my eating and being very transparent to you all. I am super serious about that and feel the only way I have a real chance to be successful at this is i have to be totally honest. Today has wins and major blows :(

So up until I left work today my eating was perfect. I am starting to identify the situations where I stray. One of the big ones is the cafeteria at work. So today i didnt go in at at all (cos once I go in and see the finger buns, and hot chips and bbq shapes....well im hopeless then) I took my lunch and all my snacks and got my drinks from the vending machine and stuck to my plan. Late in the afternoon work supplied krispy kremes....but i declined (yay me!)

But then,.....duh duh duh.....I finished work at 3.30pm and didnt have gym till 6pm....it takes about a hour while waiting for the bus and travel time etc...so i was going to have a hour spare. I thought....i could stay back and do a hours overtime....or....altho it had been raining it had cleared up i thought i can go home .... shower ..... change then head into the gym....but of course as the bus gets to my suburb it starts to bucket down....and i have about a 10 minute walk from the bus stop....so i thought bugger it ill go to city cross grab a diet coke and read my book. But of course i walk into city cross (its a food court) and all i want is food...and admittedly I had KFC and a donut! Once i finished eating i was like oh i cannot be stuffed with the gym tonight now....and wondered what was a good excuse to get out of attending LOL. But then i remembered the book i am reading and remembered "act out of love not fear" and thought bugger it....im not gonna stuff up the entire nite...so i went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the cross trainer. I then did some calf stretches for about 5 minutes and then went and did my first functional fit (group PT) session. Oh.my.gawd. There was a number of things to do that were just out of my league....box jumps and "centipede" being the main two. But most of the stuff I could struggle thru. I just need to make sure I speak up when there is something I cannot do and get a lesser option. I certainly worked hard in it tho and in 67 minutes burnt 737 calories so i was really happy with that.

I was coming home on the bus and thought to myself "wow that was certainly a struggle" and i was thinking it in a defeatist way.....but then i thought....if it isnt a struggle then its prolly not the right class/session for me....the gym isnt suppose to be a walk in the park!

The other not so great thing that happened was halfway thru the class my calf cramped up. My calves are super tight (and in fact it was the calves i was stretching prior to the class lol) so that hampered me a lil. But i think with getting my eating right....doing these 3 functional fit sessions per week...plus 1 PT session...i will lose weight. I still am thinking I may need the accountability of food coaching....but ill go as I am for the moment.

OH! And when i got home....instead of continuing the bad eating...the gym put me in such a good frame of mind...i knew dinner was not needed...so i had a protein shake (made with water) only.

The other thing i wanted to say is...expect to see me mess up. Expect to see me falter....for me....and weight loss thats how it works. I am working hard to get my head space and self talk right and workin on breaking habits....and while too many today may have looked like a failure .... in a lot of ways it was a step forward.

BTW the scales said 126.3 kilos this morning :)

Choose love over fear

So last night eating was not good. I went over with too much cheese (albeit gross low fat stuff) and bread and maybe a skinny cow ice cream or two, and when i woke this morning the scales were up to 128 kilos...I contemplated just skipping todays post to avoid telling anyone lol...but truthfully...I am wanting to be a lot more honest about my eating then I have been the last few years...so it is what it is. But unlike other times recently...I woke and just got back on with things. Currently I am cooking dinner...I am having a Jamie Oliver Rosemary and garlic chicken breast with a punnet of roasted cherry tomatos with 50 grams of avocado and 28 grams of feta cheese..and that will put my calories at 1530 for the day ;)

Yesterday arvo I went to the second hand store and bought 4 new tops (I really need to stop buying clothes!) and then on the way home i picked up a bunch of lilac tulips...so pretty!

Today I played some gammon this morning and then ventured into town this arvo to go look for some books. I found one (which was recommended on a you tube channel i watch) called "Mastering your mean girl" which is about dealing with the negative self talk etc. Only a couple of chapters in and really loving it...I also bought a new Nicci French book...which it is the first one in a new series. I really want to start reading more books about improving myself...lets face it...I know the mechanics of losing weight (we all do) but its the positive mindset for me which needs working on.

So back to my eating and the scales. I decided the running bare clothes I bought....I am not going to wear them till i am under 120 kilos...so a goal for me. They are firm fitting now anyway and will fit better then so I think thats a good goal. I am also considering going back to food coaching. Most of my weight I previously lost....I lost with food coaching....basically i went from 145 kilos to about 90 kilos with food coaching....there is something to be said for accountability of weighing in front of someone. I will keep going as I am for the moment but if I feel the need for the accountability then I will talk to the gym about that.

Back to work tomorrow! And early starts...need to be up at 5.30am (oh em gee), so lunch is already made and packed...I am going to come home after work before heading to the gym tomorrow (since i will finish so early...so no need to pack my gym bag) and speaking of the gym...tomorrow i am doing my first group personal training session....monday night one is called ninja....so its along the lines of cardio using some martial arts techniques.....hopefully i will survive! I am usually so daunted by group things....but....as this book recommends...i am going to choose love over fear :)  I have as much right as anyone else to do these group sessions....ill just work at my own pace...and keep reminding myself..."choose love over fear"

Okay think thats about it...im gonna read a lil more before i settle in for the night with a few more episodes of friends :)

Happy saturday :)

Last night was such a good night....and when I woke this morning I was the exact same weight as yesterday morning :) So 126.3 kilos again which I am so happy about.

I actually took the time to make myself look presentable last night. Straightened my hair (wasnt perfectly straight but certainly wasnt a frizzy mess!) and i wore one of my new tops and a lil bit of makeup. Normally when i wear makeup i wear like a brown lipstick...like you can tell i am wearing lipstick but its similar to a skin tone. But yesterday I went looking for a new lipstick and thought i would be brave and got a wine coloured one...here was me last night ;)

I actually really like my lips in this colour :) Anyway so i got there and everyone was sitting out the front of the pub already with drink in hand. On the table we shared a plate of hot chips and some garlic bread....i had about 4-5 hot chips and half a piece of garlic bread. And then when we ordered dinner....I ordered a sweet chilli chicken stir fry with jasmine rice...was so yummy and i didnt care that everyone else was eating burgers and chips ;) I also had a glass of white wine (so rare for me!) and then I followed it up with a second LOL and I was hugely proud cos it didnt cause me to go eating madly....and apart from a diet coke when i got home - that was it! It was a really fun night...this was a great group of people I worked with and we had a lot of laughs last night :) There is apparantly also drinks planned for june 30 and apparantly a reunion on july 1....so will see them all again before long (some of us are still working with the company so some i will still see everyday)

This morning the plan was to do body pump...but i woke and OMG the DOMs ..... it was a struggle just getting out of bed! LOL So i decided .... rest day....BUT not like a week ago where i woulda spent the ENTIRE day in bed watching netflix. Was up by 8.30am.....have played gammon on and off....and between I have gone and reorganised my lounge now as well! LOL I love it...I use to hate it before because when people walked past the lounge room window they could see in...but now ive moved the entertainment unit and tv in front of it so it really blocks it. My spare room is getting messy! LOL Thats gonna be a project...ill have to throw quite a bit out....but ill do that bit by bit. I get a bonus from work (hopefully lol) next month....so if I do my plan is to buy a new mattress and a nice big square coffee table (big enough to do jigsaw puzzles on!) I am so glad I read that book....even for this just one tip....moving things around, breaking old habits, and keeping busy really helps! I go in the lounge and bedroom now and they are both so bright and airy rooms they make me happy...and when we are happy it is much easier to stay on track!

This afternoon I will prolly wander down to the second hand store and see if any clothes there I want :) That said....in the last 24 hours i have attained 6 new tops and a pair of leggings...i really dont need to much more new clothes! LOL I did get my new running bare clothes last night.....a pair of leggings...tshirt....and a hoodie.....and the hoodie has THUMB HOLES....omg i love that....i love tops where the sleeves come down to my knuckles...so totally in love! Oh and I spoiled myself at the shops this morning too and bought myself a bunch of flowers!

Okies off i go....enjoy your saturday all! :)

Good day :)

Today I was up by 8.20am and having breakfast and out the door by 9.05am (not bad for a gal on holidays LOL)....went into the gym and did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes of weights (3 sets of 12 of the following exercise....pushups against the smith machine, back extensions on fitball with a 5 kilo weight...21's (bicep curls) and tricep extensions with a 5 kilo weight)...burnt a total of 402 calories so happy with that :)

I then went and FINALLY got my eyebrows waxed....i look like a gal again not having bushy male eyebrows! LOL I then went to kikki,k and bought this cute lil water bottle and drinking glass...then i bought 2 tops at katies (one in XL and one 2XL...the 2XL i need to exchange for a smaller size) I then popped into the reject shop (they do get in some real nice but cheap knick knacks) i bought a blue candle and a lil wicker heart that you hang on the wall....then i got from target another top, some lipstick, a white vanilla smelly thing with bamboo sticks....and THEN i dropped into best and less i got 2 work out tops for a total of $21! LOL So i spent.

I grabbed subway for dinner and then put a colour thru my hair.

Tonight i am going out for some drinks with people from work (farewell drinks for my team)...so i will wear of my new tops...and like ive been saying...make the effort when going out! I am even going to splash out with a glass of wine. Im not a drinker and its rares as hens teeth that I drink...but i will have one or two drinks tonight....Im not concerned about the drinks...i can fit it into my day....more concerned that ill get tipsy and want to eat everything in site! LOL

I wanted to buy some 500 count sheets in either white or mint...but damn couldnt find any. I found some white 500 count ones...but they looked more cream then white and all my colouring in my bedroom i want is white and mint. :)

By the way i love how different my bedroom looks. I was living in their....and it was dreary and messy and unorganised and now its clutter free and pretty....i still need new pillows and the sheets....and i need to buy some bedside cabinets....but apart from that i just feel happy each time I walk in there!. Sunday I am planning to move the lounge room around

Have a good friday night all!

OMG i nearly forgot my weight on the scales this morning....it had dropped from 127.8 kilos to 126.3 kilos :)

The hermit is slowly creeping out....

So what I am discovering is when you dont live in your bedroom and hermit yourself and make a few good changes....life is actually pretty good :)

I saw on a video yesterday and i remember Jillian saying about this in her show when i went to see her....to "date yourself". So tonight for dinner....i made a small pasta dish (as i had a lot of carbs and fat macros left) i cooked a small amount of pasta and then in a pan added some nestles light cooking cream, a tablespoon of parmassen cheese and 120 grams of diced avocado....and that was on the side of a jamie oliver chicken breast...was so nice. After dinner...instead of eating i then put on a "detox mask" .... i got it in my latest HIIT box....i then settled down to watch friends...and it was just so nice and relaxing. And made me think....from now on i am going to schedule in a "date me" night ;)

Tomorrow i am going to do a few more "me things". In the morning i am going to the gym for some cardio and then i will go and get my eyebrows waxed and then will pop into katies and find a new top to wear out. And then i am going to pick up a hair colour and put a rinse thru my hair....hide the greys LOL, im also planning to buy me a nice bunch of flowers ;)

Its amazing how you get out there....and do more then stare at a computer while sitting in the dark and suddenly life looks better....it feels like there is hope. Like i think i was stuck in a bad cycle....but having changed some of my environment and some of my routine....life just seems brighter and its only been a few days :)

Its a bit like this video i watched today https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5W6MlXWpA0 (ignore the title) where the guy Danny talks about how he thought people didnt like him cos he was fat when in reality it was due to his negative attitude. When we manage to switch off that negative attitude and have a positive approach to life and our journey....then the journey doesnt seem as hard and your able to focus on other things so not constantly focusing on eating everything in the fridge!

Enjoy your night all :)

My approach to exercise and nutrition

Everytime I have looked on my facebook page this week there are new posts about the study on season 8 US biggest loser contestents showed after their extreme exercise and limited calorie intake that their metabolic rate had dropped a average 500 calories for someone of the same age, weight and build. So i thought I would post my opinion on food and exercise (I am not telling anyone to do what I do...but thought I would share)

Firstly, unless you are under doctors supervision or have had weight loss surgery or are very tiny (ie under 5 foot) its my belief that your calories shouldnt need to drop to 1200 calories. I have talked about this for years, 1200 calories is a ridiculous lil amount of food for someone losing weight and exercising. The most ideal situation as i have said previously is to eat as much food as you can whilst losing weight. Why? Cos it is more satisfying so you are more likely to adhere to your plan, it keeps your metabolism working optimally, and it supports your workouts (are you really likely to go do a RPM class if you have barely had any carbs ie energy food that day?)

Personally I follow what is called IIFYM (If it fits your macros) Foods are made up of 3 macros (okay there is a fourth alcohol but thats another topic) Protein, carbs and fat. For every gram of carb or protein its worth 4 calories and for every gram of fat its worth 9 calories. so if you are going to ear 100 grams of carbs (for arguements sake and thats the lowest amount id recommend unless you are doing "keto") so you are eating 100 grams of carbs which are 4 calories each...so 100 x 4 = 400.....so you are eating 400 calories of carbs. The same with the other 2 macros (protein and fat), The most simplest way I believe to do this....is take the weight you want to eventually be and convert it to pounds...so take me....in pounds i would like to weigh 167 pounds. For weight loss you then multiply your "pounds weight" by 12...which equals 2004 calories. So thats the STARTING calories you will eat. So how much protein, carbs and fat?

So for how much protein....i base everything on the "goal" weight....a lot of others base it on your current weight. Now for protein....take your goal weight in pounds and times by 0.8 so for me it would be :

167 pounds ( my goal weight) x 0.8 = 133.6 grams of protein
Which as their is 4 calories per gram of protein....
133.6 grams of protein x 4 = 534 calories

So out of the 2004 calories (lets round this down to 2000), so out of the 2000 calories 534 calories will be used on protein.

Next is fat. So the same thing....take your goal weight but this time multiply it by 0.45
So....167 pounds x 0.45 =  75 grams of fat
Fat is 9 calories per gram....so 75 x 9 = 675
So 675 calories will be used with fat

So we started with 2000 calories....and 675 calories will come from fat and 534 calories will come from protein.
So 2000 calories - 675 calories (calories from  fat) - 534 calories (calories from protein) leaves you with....791 calories.
So 791 calories left and we still have the carbs to work out.
So 791 calories divided by 4 (as there is 4 calories in carbs per gram) = 197 grams of carbs..which personally I would round down to 190 grams

So if you look at that now:
190 grams of carbs
75 grams of fat
135 grams of protein (I rounded this one up)

When I then put those macros into myfitnesspal it gives me a total calories of 1975 calories.

If after a week of doing this i am not losing whatever amount i want to hit (aim for 1% of your body weight) so for me ideally about 1.1 kilos you can then lower your macros.

Here the thing...dont lower your protein. If it was me....75 grams of fat is quite a lot...so i would drop the fat 5 grams firstly, then if no movement you could do a 10 gram drop of carbs. Dont do anything too drastic....remember you want to adhere to this and its not a race.

Eat as much as you can within those macros. Eat healthy fats (avocados, coconut oil, olive oil, nut butters), lean protein and dont just eat grains for your carbs! Get some fruit in, make sure you are eating vegies.Eating this way also allows for treats. Doesnt mean you go eat a pizza everyday but if you are going out for dinner....well you can fit it into your macros.

Do we need to exercise like a demon to lose weight? Short answer is no.

Here is what I recommend for myself. Firstly I like to do 2-3 weight sessions a week. How you tackle this is up to you. It could be body pump classes, could be a program the gym writes you, or a structured program. I dont recommend just "winging" it and jumping on some machines as you want to hit also muscle groups over the week...and you want it to be progressive so you are seeing improvements. I am starting a new workout routine next week. My weight training will be....body pump on tuesday nights, a moderate to heavy weight session in a group PT session on wednesday night and a PT session on saturdays. I really recommend weight training and its especially beneficial if you have PCOS.

Whats the go on cardio? Heres my opinion....while losing weight....try to do 30-45 minutes most days. It doesnt need to be anything major just make sure you are getting your heart rate up. As i am getting my routine back currently i am planning just walking on the treadmill 30-45 minutes. After a few weeks ill prolly add a incline to it and eventually i will build up to running/jogging 60 seconds and walking one minute (i think i am too heavy for that just yet but in time). With my new routine I am going to be doing i am also doing a couple of cardio group training sessions (one is martial arts focused and one is using battleropes, tyres etc) but on top of that i will try and do the occassional group fitness class. (such as cycle/RPM, boxing but other classes you could do for cardio would be things like body combat and body attack)

The only other exercise I would recommend doing is some kind of stretching. You could do a yoga or body balance class once or twice a week (highly recommend this option!) I am hoping to do body balance on monday nights.

Now .... onto other things! I went back to the gym today. Simply did a PT session to start to get back into the swing of things. Tomorrow morning I am planning to go in and simply do 45 minutes on the treadmill. Then after the gym planning to go to target ... I DID buy a new quilt cover today from harris scarfe...so want to go to target to buy some sheets to go with it, a couple of new pillows and some nick nacks for the bedroom. I am lookin for things in mint green and white (i am obsessed with mint green lately)

Tomorrow night I am off to the pub to have some farewell drinks :( Its to say farewell to my old team. My running bare clothes i ordered arrived at work and so one of the guys is going to bring me them tomorrow night :)

I did jump on the scales this morning...they were back up to 127.8 kilos...but i got my cycle this morning so that would be why. Mentally im just not obsessing about food today and i think thats cos i went back to the gym and i think even the new bedroom layout may have helped. Everytime I walk in there now .... it looks like a real bedroom....i love it!

Step 1

I have spent most of the day reading "the big fat truth" and am about a third of the way into the book. As I mentioned on my earlier post this book is about getting your mindset right for your weight loss journey and he gives numerous ideas of what they get the biggest loser, extreme weight loss contestants to do that we can do ourselves in our own lives.

I was reading it today and he said, to break bad habits you need to change your environment for your new habits. He recommended taking everything out of your bedroom....and then reorganising your bedroom so its completely different. So i did that LOL I moved my bed into a different spot. A couple of boxes i have never unpacked (keep in mind i have lived here over 6 years!) i put in the spare room....my blanket box i put in a new position and while it had been gathering dust while i keep things like heat pillows and books on it i have now put on it a "dream" sign, a candle and some family photos. My "dream"framed pic i hung up in the bedroom. It looks so clean and the perfect place to "dream" tomorrow I am going to go look for a new quilt cover and a few lil knick knacks. Tomorrow I will wake to a new perspective :)

I then wrote a list....well actually its a plan. He basically suggests 3 guidelines....identify the problem, make a plan, then carry out the plan. So my plan at this stage looks like this:

1. Work on liking myself
2. Work on being open and vulnerable
3. Keep promises to myself
4. Start working thru "the list"
5. Weigh and record weight daily
6. Be honest
7. I will not miss any PT sessions unless dying
8. Will attend a minimum of 3 function fit sessions per week unless dying
9. I will stick to my calorie intake and not go over it.

Pretty basic stuff eh? But just some rules for myself, and as you can see there is something called "the list". I have written this down in my notebook. Its a list of things I want to do or start doing. Currently there is 29 things on the list. Things I want to incorporate into my daily life (ie no eating or drinking in my bedroom, making my bed everyday etc) and also some organisational things like "clean out the bookcase" my plan is to go thru things....and when the things i want to do daily i have stuck with for a full month i will then mark them off my list...and as i do the organisational things i will mark them off the list. The organisational things I would like to do one thing most days off. The daily things...Ill pick one thing and add it in to my routine this week....the a week into it i will add another.

I also have a voucher for kikki.k they have lots of journals and planner calendars etc. I would like to get some kind of a calendar preferably something magnetic that i can mark things off on each day. And while i keep this online journal i have actually enjoyed handwriting things into my "notebook" and so would like to buy a journal to hand write in. I think with a hand written journal you keep only for yourself there is something a online journal cannot give you. You dont have to worry about who see's what....you dont have to worry about offending anyone and i think you can be a lil more open. So whilst ill still be keeping this journal i think a hand written one would be helpful too.

I think a lot of what I am going to write in this journal over the coming time is a lot about how i am implementing a lot of what he suggests.

The other thing he suggests is to pick a fitness event as a "goal" so I am thinking the "stadium stomp" in july....and then after thats over I can train to complete the city to bay (walking only! LOL) for both i would really need to start getting in some cardio and getting to the gym regularly, fiona always used to say i work better when i had a non weight loss goal.

Tomorrow morning back to the gym for PT :) and the first new "daily thing" - to make my bed everyday and no eating or drinking in the bedroom....seriously if i cannot master those things then something is wrong!

The big fat truth | Self worth & vulnerabilty

So I actually ate the high macros I mentioned yesterday and the scales dropped! LOL Down another 500 grams...so this morning I was 125.3 kilos. I am going to stick for the moment to the higher macros...my reasoning is...you always want to eat the most you can eat whilst still losing weight. It also gives me plenty of wriggle room for plateaus. When I lost my weight previously I always regretted not starting at a high calorie limit. When I got down to my lowest (1200-1300) and doing insane amounts of exercise...I had no where to go but I was not at goal. Now that said...with knowledge I have these days if I was in the same situation I would do reverse dieting and then a cut again...but I honestly think starting higher AND exercising is the way to go.

For some reason I am ridiculously tired today. My guess is with the bad eating and lack of protein my iron has prolly dropped. I havent been taking iron supplements lately but i think i will go get some today.

I am reading a really good book at the moment....The big fat truth. It is written by one of the producers of the biggest loser....and it is about the mental aspect of losing weight. It has got me thinking a lot about not the superficial...this bad thing happened to me....reason to gain weight...but the deep down emotional hurt....I wrote pages upon pages about it in a lil notebook last night (at like midnight!) and I came to a couple of conclusions. I wasnt going to share it....but part of my conclusions makes it important to share this.

So one of the first questions asked is.....why am I fat? And you need to think about the time when you started gaining weight and what was going on then. I am not going to write in the detail what i wrote in the notebook....cos it mentions names and I just dont think its appropriate. But i will briefly say....that within my family i felt like the kid at school who wasnt cool and so the cool kids didnt want me to hang around them. Now thats a very broad statement (and i will say does not relate to my sister) but my mum, her husband and his stepkids. When i wrote this out last night....it was 2.5 pages long....i then read it aloud afterwards and I was crying by the second sentance. How i felt as a person and the lack of self worth i had in that environment...food was my comfort, and all that has happened over the years is it has grown from then. I feel it still...whether at the gym....in my day to day life, ironically the only place I dont feel it is at work (for the most part). And this is odd....you know at work....ive been there for 15 years. I spend 40 hours a week with these people. Every single personal review they do on me.....more then anything they comment on my personality, how i have a positive attitude, in my last one it in fact stated how i was central to my team. At work I am loud...within my team I am definitely the organiser, the loud mouth, the one laughing and who pretty much gets along with everyone. At work I never feel alone or a outcast....and i think that is purely cos i feel so accepted at work. My sexuality is not a issue...my weight is not a issue....in all honesty while i might get told to hush up at times....I never really get negative feedback at work.But everywhere else this is different along with that is the fact I keep people at a distance and dont let people see me vulnerable. You know....its kinda like...I was hurt once and i am never gonna let it happen again. But going thru this activity i realised I am actually missing out on so much of life. This relates to a lot of aspects of my life. As i was writing ..... one of the questions he asks is "is there anything you have never told a friend or partner, a secret?" and what i realised...prolly cos of this journal....I can tell someone about something not great that has happened to me....but i keep it very factual....I dont discuss my emotions or how it makes me feel. By not showing those emotions i keep everyone at a distance...friends...family....even followers to this journal.

Over the years there has been many times people have posted recommendations to me...or told me i should do this or should do that....and it always bristles me....and thats cos i dont want people to think "i dont have this" You know i was very successful at weight loss...my inbox/email/social media was always full of messages from people asking me nutrition advice....exercise advice...and i loved that....and now to realise that some of those people who asked for advice are doing so much better then me....or smaller then me....is hard to take....thats the honest truth...if i am going to tell you how i honestly feel about it...it sucks...i hate it. Now dont get me wrong i dont hate their success...i am all for it (ok maybe a lil jealous lol) but their success highlights my failure. And i know when i was successful my success prolly highlighted others failures. But it is definitely hard....and the truth of the matter is....this is no easier for me now then it was when I weighed 173 kilos. But it is what it is. The one thing I do know is building a support network is very important. But i am going to put it out there....that my goal is to lose 55 kilos....in my own way (ie counting calories/macros) and the gym, but I also have to admit I cannot do this on my own. I need to lean on people as much as others may lean on me. Heres the hard one to say....I actually need help. When I say that....I guess what I am saying....is you might see posts of me questioning things...asking for advice....or if you are someone i look up to i might even message you....it is hard after my success to admit i need help but i do. I need all the support i can get, which is why ive kept this blog going, why i post in my facebook group and why i use instagram. I have no desire to be social media "famous" I simply need support and want to support others where I can.

I am only about 1/4 thru the book but already i have found it so helpful. People in diet books always say to do the work....but dont explain how to do it (the only one that came close to this that i have read is dr phils weight loss solution years ago)

Ive thought for the last few years i have struggled so much as i went thru a hard patch when mum passed away...and dont get me wrong i did...and all that stuff i might talk about in detail one day....not factually but emotionally....but i think mum passing away hit home for me....my lack of self worth....my lack of family now (apart from my dads family there is only my sister) to admit deep down....that all sucks and makes me sad. But i think ive taken the first step in acnowledging my self worth and my need to not be a hermit...to be vulnerable and for people to see that vulnerability. Self worth and vulnerability are both things i am going to work on as much as the nutrition and exercise

May 3 2016 | Changes to the plan

So i jumped on the scales this morning and they dropped 2 kilos :) So yesterday was 127.8 kilos and this morning 125.8 kilos.

I am in a IIFYM group on facebook....and the owner owns the site www.iifym.com, anyway got him to work out my macros (as i noticed a lot of online calculators were telling me to have much higher protein and lower carbs) anyway i got a email with very detailed information. (This did cost me a once off $47) It not only gave me macros but also a lot of information on how to adjust the macros as you lose weight and "refeed days"

So the macros are carbs 250 grams, protein 160 grams, fat 80 grams, 30-35 grams of fibre and close to 4 litres of water a day.

So I am going to try this...ive always believed eat as much as you can whilst losing weight. And i will be back at the gym tomorrow so i think with exercise included this will likely work well and will be sustainable and really support my workouts. The recommendation has been to work on averages as I have been doing....and to do one full month before making any adjustments (unless i gain a ridiculous amount)

My cold is better today altho i took panadeine forte for the headache last night and so still a bit groggy from that. Plus its rainy today so apart from going to the shops to pick up some food....will be a day at home watching friends and you tube ;)

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Its later in the day....and I just dont think i can eat that much ^^^^ Just cos it feels wrong.....it feels excessive. I totally agree with the whole eat as much as you can whilst losing weight....but...250 grams of carbs seems way too much. But im still glad i got it done...simply cos it gave me so much information on how to modify my macros as i lose weight.

Oh and I went and bought some new running bare clothes. They had a new collection for plus sizes...so i bought some workout pants, a t shirt and a pullover (i love running bare stuff)

#Reboot

I watched a you tube video today that was really good Shame, Guilt This is a video of a couple of girls (twins) doing weight watchers (I have watched their videos since late last year) but this one really struck a chord with me.

Its about guilt and shame. And yanno I feel guilty when I eat something I completely acknowledge that to myself. But I dont think I have ever admitted I have felt shame over the weight gain and the off track eating I have done. In all honesty....I am a closet eater. People believe I eat well. And dont get me wrong....a lot of the time I do...at work...or out for dinner with friends....but a habit that has really crept in of late (and honestly for a couple of years now) is going to the grocery store...and buying the "binge foods" for the night. That usually involves some kind of chocolate...plus some kind of chip or flavoured popcorn...plus some kind of carby food (think crumpets, bacon and cheese rolls etc) with cheese to grill on the said carbs. Thats kinda the base I will do....and then I might also get some kabana...or fritz (devon)...maybe some garlic bread...or whatever....and then to justify it to myself i will add something healthy into the mix...like bananaas or rolled oats or something....by doing that in my head im like...oh the cashier will think eating this bad food is not something I often do (even tho they are the same cashiers everytime!)...i will convince myself the cashier will prolly think (like they even care!) she must have company coming over.

The truth of the matter is i am ashamed of gaining the weight back. I remember I use to say to people "gawd can you imagine if i gained the weight back" even before it happened i knew id feel ashamed, humiliated and guilty. There is definitely a sense of people are judging me. Now they prolly arent. But thats how I feel. I do like in this video how they say if they honestly want something they wait till the next day and then they make it fit in. And thats a tactic I am going to try.

I had been eating well when I started working with chelsea...I was losing weight....then for some reason I had a binge. I emailed her and told her...and of course she was like just get back onto it. Well...i have now had about 8 days in a row of bingeing, the scales have jumped up a ridiculous amount...and I am definitely too shamed to message and tell her...so so far I havent.

I woke this morning tho with a cold :( couldnt breathe thru my nose well most of last night and definitely have a lil bit of a head cold. So I woke....and its 9.30am and i have drunk 1.25 litres of water, and had a banana and a B up protein bar.

So with being transparent...the scales said 127.9 kilos (they were under 123 kilos before all this) so i am back to the macros chelsea previously gave me which is 180 grams carbs, 50 grams fat, and 150 grams of protein.

I am also going to come back to updating my journal daily, and as i weigh in daily i will post my daily weigh in that may help with staying on track.

I am hoping this cold will only knock me around for a few days and will be back to the gym on wednesday. Definitely thursday at the latest as I have PT then. As someone on my fb said "pyjama day"

Also I am going to start using instagram a lot more...so if you have that follow me....my username is kazzsjourney if you dont and want to see my photos etc....add me as a friend on face book under Karyn Colley as i can share them to that page but havent worked out how to on my "kazzsjourney" fb page.

Ill report in tomorrow...definitely #rebooting today....and hopefully the scales will have moved down :)