Wednesday, May 04, 2016

The big fat truth | Self worth & vulnerabilty

So I actually ate the high macros I mentioned yesterday and the scales dropped! LOL Down another 500 grams...so this morning I was 125.3 kilos. I am going to stick for the moment to the higher macros...my reasoning is...you always want to eat the most you can eat whilst still losing weight. It also gives me plenty of wriggle room for plateaus. When I lost my weight previously I always regretted not starting at a high calorie limit. When I got down to my lowest (1200-1300) and doing insane amounts of exercise...I had no where to go but I was not at goal. Now that said...with knowledge I have these days if I was in the same situation I would do reverse dieting and then a cut again...but I honestly think starting higher AND exercising is the way to go.

For some reason I am ridiculously tired today. My guess is with the bad eating and lack of protein my iron has prolly dropped. I havent been taking iron supplements lately but i think i will go get some today.

I am reading a really good book at the moment....The big fat truth. It is written by one of the producers of the biggest loser....and it is about the mental aspect of losing weight. It has got me thinking a lot about not the superficial...this bad thing happened to me....reason to gain weight...but the deep down emotional hurt....I wrote pages upon pages about it in a lil notebook last night (at like midnight!) and I came to a couple of conclusions. I wasnt going to share it....but part of my conclusions makes it important to share this.

So one of the first questions asked is.....why am I fat? And you need to think about the time when you started gaining weight and what was going on then. I am not going to write in the detail what i wrote in the notebook....cos it mentions names and I just dont think its appropriate. But i will briefly say....that within my family i felt like the kid at school who wasnt cool and so the cool kids didnt want me to hang around them. Now thats a very broad statement (and i will say does not relate to my sister) but my mum, her husband and his stepkids. When i wrote this out last night....it was 2.5 pages long....i then read it aloud afterwards and I was crying by the second sentance. How i felt as a person and the lack of self worth i had in that environment...food was my comfort, and all that has happened over the years is it has grown from then. I feel it still...whether at the gym....in my day to day life, ironically the only place I dont feel it is at work (for the most part). And this is odd....you know at work....ive been there for 15 years. I spend 40 hours a week with these people. Every single personal review they do on me.....more then anything they comment on my personality, how i have a positive attitude, in my last one it in fact stated how i was central to my team. At work I am loud...within my team I am definitely the organiser, the loud mouth, the one laughing and who pretty much gets along with everyone. At work I never feel alone or a outcast....and i think that is purely cos i feel so accepted at work. My sexuality is not a issue...my weight is not a issue....in all honesty while i might get told to hush up at times....I never really get negative feedback at work.But everywhere else this is different along with that is the fact I keep people at a distance and dont let people see me vulnerable. You know....its kinda like...I was hurt once and i am never gonna let it happen again. But going thru this activity i realised I am actually missing out on so much of life. This relates to a lot of aspects of my life. As i was writing ..... one of the questions he asks is "is there anything you have never told a friend or partner, a secret?" and what i realised...prolly cos of this journal....I can tell someone about something not great that has happened to me....but i keep it very factual....I dont discuss my emotions or how it makes me feel. By not showing those emotions i keep everyone at a distance...friends...family....even followers to this journal.

Over the years there has been many times people have posted recommendations to me...or told me i should do this or should do that....and it always bristles me....and thats cos i dont want people to think "i dont have this" You know i was very successful at weight loss...my inbox/email/social media was always full of messages from people asking me nutrition advice....exercise advice...and i loved that....and now to realise that some of those people who asked for advice are doing so much better then me....or smaller then me....is hard to take....thats the honest truth...if i am going to tell you how i honestly feel about it...it sucks...i hate it. Now dont get me wrong i dont hate their success...i am all for it (ok maybe a lil jealous lol) but their success highlights my failure. And i know when i was successful my success prolly highlighted others failures. But it is definitely hard....and the truth of the matter is....this is no easier for me now then it was when I weighed 173 kilos. But it is what it is. The one thing I do know is building a support network is very important. But i am going to put it out there....that my goal is to lose 55 kilos....in my own way (ie counting calories/macros) and the gym, but I also have to admit I cannot do this on my own. I need to lean on people as much as others may lean on me. Heres the hard one to say....I actually need help. When I say that....I guess what I am saying....is you might see posts of me questioning things...asking for advice....or if you are someone i look up to i might even message you....it is hard after my success to admit i need help but i do. I need all the support i can get, which is why ive kept this blog going, why i post in my facebook group and why i use instagram. I have no desire to be social media "famous" I simply need support and want to support others where I can.

I am only about 1/4 thru the book but already i have found it so helpful. People in diet books always say to do the work....but dont explain how to do it (the only one that came close to this that i have read is dr phils weight loss solution years ago)

Ive thought for the last few years i have struggled so much as i went thru a hard patch when mum passed away...and dont get me wrong i did...and all that stuff i might talk about in detail one day....not factually but emotionally....but i think mum passing away hit home for me....my lack of self worth....my lack of family now (apart from my dads family there is only my sister) to admit deep down....that all sucks and makes me sad. But i think ive taken the first step in acnowledging my self worth and my need to not be a hermit...to be vulnerable and for people to see that vulnerability. Self worth and vulnerability are both things i am going to work on as much as the nutrition and exercise

2 comments:

Magpie said...

Kaz, you have great insight and so undervalue yourself. I would love to support you, I am trying to lose weight too. If you want to pm me I will be there. Maybe we can help each other. I think what you have posted today is brave, wonderful, and I admire you. Don't look back, you will succeed you have it in you. You are a strong woman.

Tranquility road said...

You need to know I am here for you
I do not claim to know it all or have the answers but I have struggled long enough to be a sounding board whenever you need me
You have my number use it my friend