I watched a you tube video today that was really good Shame, Guilt This is a video of a couple of girls (twins) doing weight watchers (I have watched their videos since late last year) but this one really struck a chord with me.
Its about guilt and shame. And yanno I feel guilty when I eat something I completely acknowledge that to myself. But I dont think I have ever admitted I have felt shame over the weight gain and the off track eating I have done. In all honesty....I am a closet eater. People believe I eat well. And dont get me wrong....a lot of the time I do...at work...or out for dinner with friends....but a habit that has really crept in of late (and honestly for a couple of years now) is going to the grocery store...and buying the "binge foods" for the night. That usually involves some kind of chocolate...plus some kind of chip or flavoured popcorn...plus some kind of carby food (think crumpets, bacon and cheese rolls etc) with cheese to grill on the said carbs. Thats kinda the base I will do....and then I might also get some kabana...or fritz (devon)...maybe some garlic bread...or whatever....and then to justify it to myself i will add something healthy into the mix...like bananaas or rolled oats or something....by doing that in my head im like...oh the cashier will think eating this bad food is not something I often do (even tho they are the same cashiers everytime!)...i will convince myself the cashier will prolly think (like they even care!) she must have company coming over.
The truth of the matter is i am ashamed of gaining the weight back. I remember I use to say to people "gawd can you imagine if i gained the weight back" even before it happened i knew id feel ashamed, humiliated and guilty. There is definitely a sense of people are judging me. Now they prolly arent. But thats how I feel. I do like in this video how they say if they honestly want something they wait till the next day and then they make it fit in. And thats a tactic I am going to try.
I had been eating well when I started working with chelsea...I was losing weight....then for some reason I had a binge. I emailed her and told her...and of course she was like just get back onto it. Well...i have now had about 8 days in a row of bingeing, the scales have jumped up a ridiculous amount...and I am definitely too shamed to message and tell her...so so far I havent.
I woke this morning tho with a cold :( couldnt breathe thru my nose well most of last night and definitely have a lil bit of a head cold. So I woke....and its 9.30am and i have drunk 1.25 litres of water, and had a banana and a B up protein bar.
So with being transparent...the scales said 127.9 kilos (they were under 123 kilos before all this) so i am back to the macros chelsea previously gave me which is 180 grams carbs, 50 grams fat, and 150 grams of protein.
I am also going to come back to updating my journal daily, and as i weigh in daily i will post my daily weigh in that may help with staying on track.
I am hoping this cold will only knock me around for a few days and will be back to the gym on wednesday. Definitely thursday at the latest as I have PT then. As someone on my fb said "pyjama day"
Also I am going to start using instagram a lot more...so if you have that follow me....my username is kazzsjourney if you dont and want to see my photos etc....add me as a friend on face book under Karyn Colley as i can share them to that page but havent worked out how to on my "kazzsjourney" fb page.
Ill report in tomorrow...definitely #rebooting today....and hopefully the scales will have moved down :)