I got thinking tonight about am i truly happy.
I think back to when i started to gain weight. When my mum passed away I wasnt at my smallest. I was about 85 kilos. So about 6 kilos above my lightest. But I liked myself at that weight and was maintaining that weight. When mum passed away i gained weight....over the next 18 months i gained over 20 kilos. Until that point for the previous 6 years i had steadily lost weight.
I remember one time when mum was alive we had this fight...omg it was huge. I didnt talk to her for 6 months and my weight loss went so well at the time. There were numerous things she had done over her life that i didnt agree with. I use to remind myself "its her right to make her own decisions, I cannot control them, and she has to live with the consequences" I think while i battled with things that had occurred thinking that gave me a level of peace.
There is something that happened a few months before she died that I think has eaten at me. It was in fact the last time I saw her before she got sick. She said...me and (her husband) got our wills redone and if anything happens to me and also her husband...then decision making will go to your sister and step brother. Now let me explain i have NO desire to have to make decisions in that situation, but it was a slap in the face. It was despite your my eldest child...someone not related to me by blood will have say over these major decisions ... not you. I couldnt even believe it happened. I said ok and nothing else and never discussed it with her. Now i dont say this to make anyone look bad....simply this is my journal and my journey.
Its a hard thing to deal with. How do you ever really come to any resolution with yourself that your own mother put others ahead of you. I realise tho....again....this was her decision....she made her decisions....i cannot and could not control them.....and anything that did or did not happen as a consequence of them is not mine to live with.
The hardest thing about all this is to realise...that your mother prolly didnt like the person you are. Didnt like the way you lived your life or respected you. Now I dont say that to get pity....im just being honest....thats what I get not only from this decision she made......but also other things from my life. Now it doesnt mean she didnt like me....I know she didnt.....but in my opinion....not the way a mother should. And yanno this isnt one sided. I am sure I was more then a pain in the ass at times, I know I am very stubborn and whilst I have no control over the fact I am gay (and trust me this was a major issue) I wasnt willing to budge on this topic....when it became clear that her and her husband didnt want the fact i like girls discussed...I certainly was stubborn and certainly distanced myself.
Do I regret anything I did in relation to my mum? Nope not at all. In writing this and acknowledging this makes me feel better. I remember discussing it with Fiona at the time but really didnt discuss it with anyone else. Understanding I cannot control other peoples actions and I cannot force ANYONE to like me...but I can control me and the life I want to live. This stuff has been in my brain for such a long time. Accepting and acknowledging yep I didnt have the relationship with my mum I would have liked but that I can make the life I want.
Its time to set some real life goals. When I think back to when I was slimmer....and what was the things I really enjoyed? Was it putting on a size 12 dress? Dont get me wrong...the smaller clothes was great but looking back it wasnt the highlight. The highlight was training and completing a 12km run. Climbing the Sydney Harbor bridge. Adventure caving at Jenolan Caves. Jumping on a plane and exploring a new city - those are the things that made my life and journey worth it!
Im tired of food being the "highlight of my day"
Theres a couple of places I would love to go too. The first is Cairns. The rainforests look gorgeous, the walks/hiking would be amazing....the great barrier reef would be amazing. whale watching, air ballooning....its the one place in australia I really want to go too. Next on the list is hawaii for a lot of the same reasons as cairns, the nature....the waterfalls, the hikes,the beach etc would be amazing,
And so I need to start setting a goal. And i think Cairns will be first. I have no idea when (maybe late next year)...no idea of costs etc....but I think if I could be double digits by the time I would go would be amazing...Id be fit and healthy enough to do all the things I want to do.
I dont want to get to the end of my life and be thinking "i shoulda...."....i shoulda done this and shoulda done that.
Its time to get excited.
My eating has been crap the last week. I totally believe eating "if it fits in my macro" style works for me. So I am back onto it tomorrow. I am returning to the gym on monday. I have next week off work. So I am planning to do some lunch time classes and then thursday night I am back doin PT with Beck. I will be doing PT only once a week and group personal training 3 times a week (hopefully)
Time to make me number one!