Two Kilos!!!

Well firstly Gae sent thru some pics from sunday nite when Gae, Tina, Martine and myself went out for dinner




Weighed in today...lost TWO KILOS YAY!!! I am down to 105.4 kilos...i am starting to think i can get awfully close to double digits by xmas (i wont actually get there but i think i can get within 2-3 kilos) anyway i was very happy with that loss. Today i gymmed it...did a 30 minute boxing class...followed by a 45 minute body balance class and 30 minutes on the treadmill. I then took off over to the hospital for my post op appointment...not great news there...the result from the surgery isnt as good as was expected...so they are putting me on some medication which should slow down my cycle for 6 months...then on the 7th month i dont take any medication and if my cycle isnt improved then...then i will need to go back and have the surgery done again. Fingers crossed....this bloody medication costs over $100. I then walked home from the gym (75 minute walk) so i was very tired when i got home.

Tomorrow i go see the physio at the gym...i dont expect they will be able to do much for my foot but i'll go...see what she says and what she thinks can be done to improve things.

Not much else going on...off to watch NCIS...then sleep for me...enjoy all!

Im having what i would call a "skinny" day. When i was getting dressed this morning...was dressed in just my knickers and bra...and looked at myself and i definitely didnt look huge...still obviously have loose skin...big legs etc but i certainly am getting more in proportion and more of a proper womans figure, which put a huge smile on my face.

Today i am working but tomorrow is friday for me YAY...so looking forward to a couple of days of relaxing. Added bonus is i finish at 3.30pm tomorrow so kinda like having the afternoon off lol.

Tonite off out for dinner...have already planned what to have...lasagne and bruschetta...works out to be 18 points....i looked at getting pasta alfredo but at a humungus 43 points i quickly decided no!!

My achilles is feeling better today...interestingly after i have gone for some small short 10 minute walks. Still sore but certainly not as bad as its been the last few days. I really hope the physio this week has some suggestions for it...if she pretty much tells me rest and not much else i think i will just give things a miss...im kinda over the "physio" industry....and seeing as when my podiatrist looked at my xrays he said "if a surgeon saw these he would want to operate" i am not really having much faith that a physio can fix things given that they can only really do massage and give me exercises is going to help much.

Anyway thats enuff for today...enjoy ur sunday all!

Next Year

So 4 years ago I started this journey...i wanted to be healthy of course...i wanted life to be easier then it was .... but i cant lie two big motivating factors was having a social life and having a partner.

The partner thing is not that big a deal these days...im a independent so and so...i know i dont NEED someone else....but must admit its always been the social life i have wanted more. There was never going to be a quick fix to my situation...i needed to put in substantial work. Yes i could have been out having my social life or working towards obtaining a social life for the last 4 years...but i was so far from goal and so far from being happy with myself i needed to work on the weight loss. Dont get me wrong i STILL need to work on the weight loss...but ive been at this a long time now...ive got 30 kilos to go...i enjoy my PT sessions...i enjoy the fitness classes....sticking to the food plan is not hard for me now...but i think now its more about embracing the life as a whole that i want. Still doing what I have been doing ... but wanting to do more outside events....enjoy the fresh air more....get out their and have a social life...not drinking all the time or anything but just getting out there meeting people and having some fun. I dont desire to drink where as 2 years ago...to go out i needed alcohol to have the confidence to meet people...i think im a lil different these days, sure im not hugely confident...but living in my own lil world in my lil unit away from all wont get me that confidence either. I need to get out there with a smile on my face and just enjoy life. As a friend just pointed out on FB...20 years ago i was a bit of a party girl. And i was...not that i did nothing but partying but i had a good bunch of friends...i was out having fun...we didnt drink (well not much lol)...we just use to go out dance away and enjoy ourselves.

So this coming year...im going to set a goal that i dont say no to ANY social invitation. Just for one year im gonna put myself out there and go out...if at the end of the year i decide socialising is not for me...fine...back to no social life for me ;) but i need to make the effort.

Next year is going to be a very different year...for the first time I wont have HUGE weight loss goals...the goal will be to get to 85 kilos a mere 20 kilos...and more then that just keep focusing on improving my fitness and toning my body. In May 2011 my sister and i are planning a trip to sydney...our old primary school is celebrating 50 years...so we are going to go back for a nostalgic visit....we are planning to visit our dads grave (huge HUGE huge deal for me) which we have never been too....

Late July I will be starting 3.5 months of long service leave :) Plenty of ME time! Ill be using it start my studies and also to focus on gyming it every day with some consistency...getting all the fitness classes in...and just doing some fun stuff. I am also planning to do the foxy challenge at the gym....and if they do a bootcamp whilst im on long service leave ill prolly do that too.

I am such a worrier and think everything to such a degree...and i think the way to cure myself of that (not that i think thinking is bad...more the overthinking...and i simply need to learn to relax) is to just start enjoying life more. I got thinking the other day...if i didnt have this weight loss journey...i would really have nothing satisfying in this life...and lets be honest...in the next year or two i wont have this weight loss journey (i hope) ill be at a point that im at a healthy weight...still working out of course...but wont have that focus of what will the scales say tomorrow....so i need to ensure...when that does happen....that i have lots of other things in my life to keep me occupied and focussed.

I think the signs are its time for me to start to step out of my comfort zone! I got a message earlier in the week from a girl off pink sofa i chatted to ages ago....anyway she was asking me if i wanted to meet up at the picnic on sunday...im working on sunday so obviously declined...well i got a message this morning from her wondering if next week when she has 5 days if i wanna meet up *gulp* the initial thought is a message something along the lines of "love to but busy sorry" LOL but especially in light of what i posted yesterday...and the fact the first day of her 5 days off i DO actually have the day off myself...im thinkig maybe i should message back and say to meet up for coffee....surely that wont kill me??? LOL Must be the week of getting out of my comfort zone...that plus the drinks on sunday...lawdie lawdie

My foot...the achilles is still sore today :( So will rest it over the next few days and just go do all the easier options in the classes next week. I see nora (physio) on wednesday...after all the money i spent on the last physio i cant say i have a lot of faith in the physio profession....but i will go see her with a open mind...so fingers crossed.

Sunday nite i am going out for dinner with martine and tina and we are meeting up with Gae from ww...so that should be nice. I am working this weekend blah blah...but hopefully we arent busy.

I FINALLY got my xmas leave approved today! YAY got all i wanted...not everyone did so i was a very lucky girl. So now i am officially getting excited!! 3 weeks and then im off for 13 days weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

The scales went up today...but day 3 of TOM so i think its just fluid...hopefully thats all it is ! LOL

Have a good weekend all!

Funnily enuff there was a post on the WW forum today that related to something thats been on my mind today. Drinks with fiona and sarah (from the gym) is not this sunday but the next. Before the drinks im catching up with a bunch of the ww girls for lunch at the markets...then ill have to scoot out to this hotel at nth adelaide. Anyways...lol...im positively dreading it....i'll know fiona and sarah...and whilst im sure ive seen some of the others around the gym...ive never spoken to any. Part of me will prolly never get rid of the "fat girl syndrome" i seem to have. I am quite positive...wherever i am...whether its a fitness class... socialising ... wherever .... i think i dont belong there...and whether it happens or not .... im convinced everyone thinks what is the fat chick doing here....i know this is all me...and in my head .... im sure its not as bad as it was at 170 kilos but the issue is definitely still there. The thing that disappoints me more then anything is ... its not that i miss having a partner...but i do miss having that friend you can call up and go shopping with or catch up with for dinner etc etc...

Gymmed it today...did a hour of PT which was boxing. Fiona "suggested" i climb the 7 flights of stairs BEFORE our PT sessions LOL *hint hint* sooooooooooooooooo i think i will start doing it each day before my classes etc... that said...after PT i went and visited mum and then decided to walk home. It was a 45 minute walk...and while my achilles has been sore for the last few weeks...after that walk its a lot sorer...and i notice its really hard to flex my foot (this is always hard for me...but seems even harder today!) so the icepack is in the freezer...soon as its frozen i will put it on my foot...i swear....the damn consequences of being overweight :(

Back to work tomorrow...hurry up next monday night when i have a whole TWO days off work LOL

I havent posted for about 5 days. My head was in a crazy place and i couldnt make much sense of it. I think i have sorted it out in my head....it just comes back to the same thing that always overwhelms me...other peoples expectations. In some ways i wish id never made my journey public...there are some days i hate this journal...hate the fact i update on FB but 90% of the time i know its advantgeous for me and my journey.

I started propoints on sunday! YES! Back doing weight watchers lol after gaining 2 kilos last week...and struggling to get back on track...i have now lost 2.4 kilos :) My body fat has dropped to 41.7% (my goal was to be under 40% by xmas...my super goal is to be under 35% by xmas) i wont get under 35% but under 40% is completely doable. I also lost 4.5 cms over the last two weeks...taking my total loss of centimetres over the last 4 weeks is 12cms. I was very impressed with all that.

Ive started getting a sore calve lately...happened in PT last nite and again tonite in body pump....not sure why...i know my calves are tight (and have been for months and months) and thats related to the planter fastisis....not sure if the heat has got to it more....its been 35 the last 2 days...and ive done relatively big workouts. I am seeing a physio next wednesday so if enough time after she looks at my foot will ask about it.

Oh ive found a fab new show! Combines my two favourite things...lesbians and gyms lol its called "workout" and is fab...and the main girl in the show...well lets just say she could give Jillian a good run for her money (in my opinion)

Okies thats all for tonite...enjoy your wednesday all!

Well saw my dietician today....the damn scales were up at 109.8 kilos (her scales pare always higher then mine) which was a gain of 2 kilos. Suck it up princess! Time for a refocus and enjoying this journey. i told her everything prolly more then ive put on here...the main thing about how ive been avoiding certain food groups and not eating enough. So i am at 1800 calories...i want to either stay the same next week or a small loss!

Then had a PT session with fiona. Was the alternative weight program. All good there....im heading back to the gym in a few hours for body pump and RPM. Then tomorrow morning double PT session of boxing (gawd help me) fiona i think loves these sessions...runs me ragged... of course even if i dont agree at the time...all good for me...they are definitely real hard cardio sessions for me.

Bought lots of fruit today...bananas, apples, pears, strawberries...now to get it all into my body!! LOL

Enjoy ur day all!

Well today involved a visit to the bakery...never good for me! Ive decided a few things...i think i have come to realise at this point i dont NEED to lose a kilo or whatever every week. For over 4 years i have stressed over the scales. I still wanna lose weight...i am still going to work towards that...but yanno if i dont lose every week so be it! For some reason its suddenly clicked to me the focus should be on just leading a healthy lifestyle...and with that i mean encompassing EVERYTHING! I need to ensure i get enuff sleep....next time i have this part of the roster....ill do my PT session on monday nite...ill go to my dietician session but thats it.....no going to the gym and staying there till the last class. My problem is i think i never can exercise enough...i wanna change things a bit....i wanna go to the gym 4 times a week (i often go more then that currently)i think 3.5 hours is prolly excessive. 1-2 hours is plenty. The days i dont go to the gym i wanna get out there and do more...whether its a walk...or getting on the wii. I just dont wanna kill myself to burn a extra 100 calories. But I still wanna make sure i do enough...despite my complaints...i really enjoy my PT Sessions and the fitness classes. So i wanna focus on doing what I enjoy. I need to understand i dont have to spend every spare minute exercising. So i wanna get that balance. It would be nice to get under 100 kilos by february 8. Thats when the foxy challenge at the gym starts and i am planning to do that. I still have a long way to go...prolly 32 or so kilos....i know ill gain this week...but im not gonna look at it as a gain...its jsut a new starting number....the other thing i wanna focus on not gaining over this holiday season. THis last 2 days has scared me that suddenly im gonna end up 115 or 120 kilos by the new year...NOT gonna happen people. Tonite im gonna have a great sleep....im gonna do PT tomorrow morning....and then pump and RPM tomorrow nite...but thats all...and friday i will only do my one hour PT session...its seriosuly hard getting the balance of enuff exercise without too much. I also wanna cut back on my processed foods... while i dont eat a lot of processed stuff some has snuck back into my eating...kelloggs chocolatey bars...premade pasta sauces etc so ive pulled out my book "inner health, outer beauty" its such a good book for just looking at a more holistic way for making ur body healthy and is not about weight loss at all...i wanna get cooking more as well...so this is where i need to balance .... i need to get to the gym enough but also allow myself enough time to cook and prepare foods. So i am going to give myself to not stress over the scales...i just wanna eat good and exercise...if i do that surely it will all fall into place. So its time to focus in a very balanced way on good health.

so lots of low fat dairy products, fruit, vegetables, grains and good protein. iM not gonna look at my saturated fat or my sugar levels etc (which has led me to obsess and avoid dairy and fruit like the plague) instead stick to the calories...eat good...and it will all work out!

Right off to read my book!Enjoy all

Well last nite was not good...i got the worse craving for chocolate and i crumbled, and I might have had some bbq chips as well. It was very strange its prolly 5-6 months since i went over my calories...im not stressing im not perfect...but as always with my head there is a teeny worry this is the start of me putting on weight. I know logically thats inaccurate and mostly its prolly related to the fact i overtired myself doing 3.5 hours at the gym monday nite and then being up 5.30am for 3 days (something i only do for 3 days every 7 weeks so its not a habit) so i think a lot of it is just being overtired...im still tired today...but im off tomorrow. I always get a lot of focus from the gym...so even tho im tired i think tonite ill go in and do the RPM class...so just a 45 minute class....tomorrow morning i dont have to be at the gym till 10am so i can sleep in till 8amish (which will seem like a huge sleep in! lol) and if tired i can always nap tomorrow arvo.

I am contemplating telling my dietician i wanna do the slim program. Since my head go so screwy over thinking fruit is bad cos of sugar....dairy is bad cos of saturated fat...im kinda thinking seeing as slim is a program that focuses primarily on food groups that it may help to have that focus. I could still track in biggest loser club. So it is a thought. We will see.

Not much else going on....just hurry up 3pm so this working day is over!!

Im very tired today :( Obviously 3.5 hours at the gym and not getting hoem till 8.20pm and then being up at 5.30am was a lil too much for me! lol Oh well i rang the gym spoke to eve and put my weigh in with her off time thursday at 10am. Of course tho i weighed in at home...so....as you will remember i upped my water (as i think i made myself partly dehydrated) so by saturday morning i was up by 2.9 kilos....but the weight had dropped a lil since then and the gain was only 1.3 kilos. For my overall healthy im really not gonna stress about that...suck it up princess!! So puts me at 106.9 kilos...i'd really like to lose another 2 kilos by xmas...means i am not hitting my initial goal by that would put me at a loss of 30 kilos for the year which works for me! That would also leave me with 30 kilos to get to the top of the healthy weight range which will be a good goal for next year. The other thing I am going to TRY and focus on is the next time the scales dont budge for a few days or week is just to try and ride it out and see with time if the scales budge...plateaus are part of this damn weight loss caper i guess and nothing i can do to change that.

Not too much else going on...enjoy ur day all!

Well i had a very exciting nite last nite!!! For those who havent heard...JILLIAN MICHAELS commented on one of my photos on FB!! Seriously how freaking cool is that???? Im stoked...still friggin stunned...cos lets face it stuff like that doesnt happen me! hehe

Im also really glad I did the previous post...not only did i get feedback but its made me realise im not a freak! I was sure that my legs were something only i experienced the way they look like they dont belong on my calves so very relieved that im not strange (well not for that reason anyways! lol) I so often think im a weirdo with my issues occurring only to me...it was a kinda nice realisation to realise im not alone.

Gymmed it tonite....did a hour on the treadmill (just slow walking)...followed by a PT session of weights then a 45 minute combat class and 60 minute body jam class....phew....1635 calories burnt! So a good successful day.

Not much else going on...7am start tomorrow so i need a early nite...ni ni!!!

Hidden Away

Mostly I dress pretty decently...people constantly say "oh the gym has helped so much your so toned" and recently some even said "why have you been hiding your legs"

AGes ago i said i was tempted to post some pics of my "excess skin issues" i feel weird doing it like its some pervy thing lol altho of course no rude bits are in the pics ;) but yet at the same time...i want to document it as well as i do get asked the "do you have a skin issue" question a lot. So firstly heres the pics....first is my stomach...



So...there it is ! LOL If you notice on the left side of the pic...there is a bulge of fat at the bottom of my ribcage (not that u can see my ribs of course! lol)...thats a pocket of fat...i hate it...everytime i wear fitted clothes its so freaking obvious...it will never go apparantly unless i have it surgerically removed (i have 3 of these pockets of fat...the other two you can only tell if you feel but that ones horrid) I am obviously still have a big stomach...altho its no longer a budha stomach ;) the stretch marks have faded a lot...and i actually dont have too many issues with my stomach...im sure it will decrease more...it certainly is not firm and has loose skin but to me its not the end of the world.

Next is my legs UGH



Okies...these are the parts of my body i have the most issue with! Theres still a lot of cellulite but it has dramatically improved. As you can see if you compare my calves to my thighs its like body parts of two different people...my calves are fine (altho a lil on the fat side but smooth etc at least) Whilst its not overly obvious in the pic towards my inner thigh is very wrinkly and definite loose skin...also you will notice that my skin also hangs over the top of my knees.

Its my legs that get me down more then anything...no matter how much muscle i build there they will never be okay...ill never be able to wear skirts or shorts above my knees...never wear a swim suit...unless i have surgery....

People who have lost...30 or 40 or 50 kilos often say to me...oh yeh my legs were bad too...but theyre fine now....well ok...but that wont be the case with mine...kinda annoys me to be honest...if i say my legs are bad and the only cure is most likely surgery then having someone whose lost 30 kilos tell me...they had the issue and theres is fine now well *UGH* its not the same... my journey and the issues will never be the same as someone who has only 30 or 40 kilos to lose.

Of course...it is ONLY excess skin...it is a vanity thing....that excess skin wont be what causes me to have a heart attack or stroke...it was my previous weight (and the weight i carry still and the time i spent unfit and unhealthy) that would most likely cause that. It is nowhere near as bad as having no energy, getting puffed walking to the letterbox etc etc...and of course its going to be a constant reminder of where i never wanna be again...but still at the same time theres a part of me that would like to be able to wear a knee length skirt.

So firstly thats a couple of pics i took last nite. The black top i am wearing its really hard to do it justice in that pic. I got it at a second hand store and its a susans top (cost me all of $4 lol) and its a very girlie top...i love it...ive always liked necklines like that...and while my arms are still huge...i kinda like my shoulders now...theres not really much fat on them lol

I did op shop yesterday...got some really nice things...even got a laura ashley top...this one op shop i go too has such good things!

Anyway then last nite i went out for dinner...i had damper bread (yum) and duck! lol the duck was delicious i was lil worried what it would do to the scales cos it had soy sauce in it. But i had 2500 calories for the day...and funnily enuff i dropped overnight ;) Not a big drop...only 300 grams but seeing as the few days before hand i had gained each day i was happy to see a change in direction. My water was also close to 2.5 litres for yesterday which i think helped. So whilst yesterday i was really wondering if upping my calories was the right thing to do...i feel much better about that decision today...of course still just guaging it...never know tomorrow morning might put on another 2 kilos LOL

At dinner...the girls asked me two questions...will i be emotional and feel teary when i do get to double digits...and what am i doing to reward myself then and they think we should plan a outing as a celebration. In relation to the first question im sure ill feel a sigh of relief...teary? I dunno about that...cos yes i get its a major even in this whole weight loss thing...but really its just one more step...theres been lots of steps and even when i reach that one there will still be lots more. While i get it is a good thing etc etc and im sure ill tell everyone who will listen LOL i am more then well aware that when i get to 99.9 kilos...my legs are still gonna be awful...im still gonna have AT LEAST another 24 kilos to go...i will still have a lot more work to go. I have seen lots of people too set a goal...to lose 30 or 40 kilos or whatever...and they have reached that goal and then something has happened and they dont go further...and i dont want that happening...i dont want it to be this big event that i then get complacent cos i met "that" goal....i realise once i am there....then the next step is just to focus on the next goal. Im sure we will catch up for dinner around the time (and lets face it i dont really expect to hit it till maybe march) but a big celebration? nah i doubt it.

Theres not too much else going on...im on earlies this week which altho i cant gym it on the weekend means lots of classes this week since i can be at the gym 4pm onwards...YAY :)

Hope everyone has a good sunday!

Look at my flash new blog...all dressed pretty!! LOL the template is from Yummy Lolly

When i was a kid i did ballet from about 10 years old. Anyway in about the second year the local paper came and did a story on my dance school and photographed my class to put in the paper. Anyway there was another girl in the class her name was Angelina...anyway everyone thought we looked alike enuff to be twins (we didnt lol she was stunning...i was definitely average looking) we were both tall, slender with dark hair. So as well as photos of the class they took some of me and Angelina together. Anywayyyyyyy so Angelinas dad owned a string of hairdressing salons and use to publish a hairdressing magazine...he saw the photos of us and asked me to be in the magazine :) So i had this big adventure one day after dance class...without my mum i went with Angelina into parramatta...hung around a photo studio all day (boringggggggggggggggg) eventually at the end of the day they took the photos...and then i was taken out for dinner to a posh italian restuarant for dinner. First time I had been out to a restuarant like that lol no wonder i still love italian food :) Anyway when I changed ballet schools we lost contact...but i often thought of Angelina...mum still has the magazines lol and they are occassionally bought out with the old "look how slim karyn was" Anyway so last nite for some reason i put Angelinas name in facebook and she came up! Still looks the same as she did 30 years ago (ok maybe taller lol) ... it must be one of the most exciting facebook ads ive done... :) Anyway it is her...she confirmed me as a friend....out of all the people i met thru ballet she was always the one i would think about...so exciting stuff! My aunt has photos from the modelling too i just sent her a message might get her to upload them to FB if she can

Okay on to flipping weight loss news... BLAH .... the scales went up AGAIN they were up 2.9 kilos this morning :( yesterday i only ate 1500 calories and the day before 1800 calories...which yes is higher then previously...but discounting my exercise i should be able to eat about 2500 without gaining weight so i dont think its the calories thats the issue...i think it gets back to my fluid levels...and i prolly had dried my whole bloomin system out! So the sensible part of my brain knows i havent put on 2.9 kilos of fat...in fact i ate really good yesterday including 3 pieces of fruit (yay me) and i know the focus needs to be on health not a number on the scales but at the same time it stresses me cos their is that worry of "this is it this is me going back to 170 kilos" i know its not reasonable thinking...i know i half expected to gain a few kilos... And seriously part of me just hates the damn scales...if it wasnt that i feel i lose my accountability so much i would seriously just eat right do my exercise and not weigh in again till January 1...reason i wont do that is for one thing i have a appointment with eve each week lol the other im petrified i would gain bloomin 10 kilos or something ridiculous.

Exercise wise im planning to go walking this afternoon there is a local oval i have noticed not far from me and if its relatively empty (its wet weather today so maybe) ill try and run around some of it...i couldnt run around all of it but we will see what i can do!

Tonite im off for dinner with martina, tina and tania...mite even take a photo before i go out...see how lazy i am at that stage lol...enjoy ur day all!

As i suspected the scales have gone up. I dont think its related to the calories tho...as i think i mentioned previously ive had a sore tooth...its a lot better now but whilst it was really sore i didnt drink much water and prolly dehydrated myself. So i have been getting back to my normal water levels...and so whilst the scales have gone up...(about 2.1 kilos) i think its just about fluid...so im not stressing...not just yet anyways LOL Also i have been starting work early this week so weighing in about 2 hours earlier then normal which is prolly influencing it as well.

Last nite i gymed it ... did a PT session of boxing with fiona then dashed into RPM and did a RPM class...i was one buggered girl...burnt 950 calories go me :)

Very strange weekend this weekend...the gym is CLOSED tomorrow so i actually get to sleep in LOL Gonna go op shopping (yet again)... go get eyebrows waxed and then out to dinner with tania, martine and tina. And taking them two bags of clothes for them to go thru and see if they want any of. Even decided my skirts i am gonna offer them...have come to a conclusion anything above the knees just doesnt work for me.

Its just started raining here after being 31 celsius yesterday *rolls eyes* tonite im planning a very quiet nite...savoury mince for dinner with lots of vegies and watching some more the big bang theory.

My friend who is in hospital is improving! Got some photos of him last nite in hospital...he is having his 5th transfusion today and improving...he is up walking with the help of a frame...and will hopefully be released next week and he will then go to a rehab centre for work on his motor skills...i woulda liked to go visit him tomorrow...but with the pagaent on im not going near the city LOL so will prolly go visit him sunday afternoon

Have a good day all :)

Third post for the day!! LOL But a much better post...ive made some decisions. After chatting with people from BLC in a private group on FB ive decided taking into account (a) the amount of exercise i do (b) the fact ive omitted fruit, hot chocolates (cos of the milk), and barely eaten at nite leading me to eating hardly any vegetables (c) plus the fact tonite ive had bad calf pains which i know from experience is due to not getting enough potassium from my normal daily bananas (d) my aim is to be healthy not skinny

So ive decided to boost my calories to 1700 per day and to calorie cycle. I think i will also try and increase the intensity of my exercise. This week i worked out i ate only 1350 calories once i averaged it out...considering the minimum anyone should eat is 1200...the fact i still have weight to lose plus the exercise i do...and still have 30 kilos to go i will increase the calories to 1700. I wanna simply focus on good food...more variety...so ensuring i have more vegetables...1-2 fruit serves per day (and to stop obsessing over the natural sugar in fruit) and also ensuring i am eating protein each nite. Over the last few weeks ive had many comments where people have said "you are fading away" and i guess i dont want people to suddnely think "wow shes getting fat" and this may lead me to gain a couple of kilos before i start to lose again...or i may lose...or i may maintain...im not sure...but if any of those happen...thats ok...sure its unlikely ill hit 99.9 kilos by xmas...but really is that the end of the world? Long term health is more important. SO ill do this till the end of the year....of course if i suddenly gain 5 kilos ill be reassessing...but right at the moment i think this is a good move...ill take a breath...ill get lots of good nurtients in me. The thing is....ive got from 134.8 kilos on january 1 to around 106 kilos this year....so around 28-29 kilos ive lost this year...sure its a lil short of what i wanted to reach for the year...but its still damn good! And theres no shame if i stick at this weight for the rest of the year....then reassess for next year...it doesnt mean i am going off track...it just means im taking a breath....hopefully with losses and focusing more on exercise and less on diet.

(continuation of previous post)

Some people think i have it all figured out...as i mentioned in my earlier post by some im a "weight loss machine"... others im a inspiration...or a "machine" but the honest truth is i dont have "it" all figured out. Lets see i have my weight loss/fitness thing which i chose to make my "hobby" my "priority" several years ago...im still 30 kilos over weight...i still have massive thighs and hips...i still cant wear anything above my knees...im single...i have a job whilst its fine is not a job that is fulfilling...so im single but dont have the life of someone single...im not out partying every weekend...partly cos thats not me...and partly altho i have friends and i have groups of friends i catch up with every few months....i havent got that person...that friend i can just call up and say lets meet up for a walk...or lets go see a movie. I dont even know if ill post this cos i dont like putting stuff just "out there" but really my life is not that fab...like i said...ok job...no real close confidantes...and when the weight loss is going good...im completely focused fulfilled and happy...but when i get on the scales and they have gone up....well its the start of my sucky day. Ive definitely got a obsessive/addictive personality...i made this a priority...i invest a lot of money every week towards it...and thats fine...i dont regret spending that money at all in fact i think its one of the best things i have ever done...but when its not going good...i dont really have anything else to focus on....with the money i spend on my gym membership...it doesnt allow for lavish holidays...or out every nite spending up...dont get me wrong i dont struggle...ive never been a very materialistic person...but its hard to turn your focus to something else and take the "obsession" of weight loss and getting healthy when there isnt anything else.

The fact im eating such low calories is doing my head in a bit...it concerns me too cos what am i gonna do when i get down to only 10 kilos to lose...currently i feel i need to eat 1200-1400 calories...i dont really get why i need so little calories...someone else who weighs the same as me...whose never exercised ... prolly can eat more then me and lose...as i posted on facebook i wondered if someone with a higher muscle composition should be able to eat more and lose...yet...i must have some muscle under all this fat. Im very concerned that maybe i am undereating...but if i dont lose on higher calories am i actually undereating? I know on michelle bridges 12WBT program she has all women eat 1200 calories...maybe i should just eat that? or maybe i should be aiming for 1400 calories? I know people say if u eat too lil ur body goes into starvation mode...does it really???? I have an extra 30 kilos how can my body SERIOUSLY Go into starvation mode...then again....am i eating enough for the amount of exercise i do???? seriously i got no freaking idea. Sometimes i really just wanna ditch the scales and weigh ins and measurements...and just focus on fitness and exercise and not on the whole "diet" thing. Like seriously how and when did scales become such a vital part of my life????

After hitting 105.6 kilos yesterday...i was up 500 grams this morning ARGH i am quite convinced i need to now keep my calories 1200-1400 calories to get the losses and maintain them. 1600 calories is obviously too high (and i only hit about 1500 anyways :() It concerns me...for a few reasons...every single time the scales fluctuate and i have a gain whether its 100 grams...or 2 kilos...all the fears come rushing back to me...this is it...this is the point where i cant lose any more weight. I know its irrational and our bodies have fluctuations...but there it is. I know some people mite think...whats wrong with sitting at your current weight? Apart from the fact its still 30 kilos off the healthy weight range...im completely convinced or fear if i ever stop...even if it was to try and maintain...it would be the first step towards going off track and ending back up at 170 kilos :( The thing is...people think i am a weight loss machine...yes I have lost a lot of weight...and yes i have had 9 losses in a row...but especially this year i have been so focussed...in some ways i am too focussed probably. I watch my eating to the tenth degree...i watch my sugar...saturated fat levels...sodium and calories....add to that i work out a lot...so i SHOULD have those losses..for the last 3-4 months if not longer i have not gone off my eating at all...i dont eat out a great deal and dont eat much processed foods...but besides this ramble...getting back to the point is the fear. I have been reading another journal....for a long time...this girl lost heaps of weight and was within a few kilos (i think about 4) of her goal weight....she then went off track...is eating lots of processed and high sugar foods...and really struggling. I know struggling is part of weight loss...but i guess that cements my thought that i just simply have to get to 76 kilos or lower...anything else...and well for one thing i am leaving this unfinished....and for another im just opening myself for putting all the weight back on. I think once i get to that goal weight ill be fine...ill get its a different part of my journey...and i think naturally (i hope) my focus will change from the scales to more about my body shape and fitness. There is also the fact i "do my own thing" in a lot of ways im glad i went away from ww....it forced me to research a lot on nutrition and certainly gave me a true understand about food and nutrition and not simply how many points are in a item of food...but because i do my own thing...theres no handbook...theres no where i can go too and go "okay at this weight and this age you should be eating this many calories" its constantly trial and error for me....and theres also other things like when you follow a set plan there are some other things you can work towards...such as slimmer of the year for ww etc...im not overly fussed that i cant get involved in something like that...but at the same time it would be a additional goal. That said its about doing it for me and not cos you mite be handed a $500 wardrobe or whatever but there is the group aspect too...im pathetic at meeting new people :( but i have a lot of friends doing ww...and i do have a support system especially via the gym with fiona and eve my dietician....but yet at the same time especially when it comes to food and the calories etc i do sometimes feel like im flying solo...trying to work it out and whilst i have some knowledge...i dont know all about it...if that makes sense...boy i can ramble :(

Despite this...i did gym it last nite...ran for 5 minutes non stop (prolly not wise seeing my foot has been playing up lately) and then did about 45 minutes walking on the treadmill...i then did the studio cycle class...in the last month...since before i had the surgery...ive done only one other cycle class...amazing how hard these last 2 classes have felt...im sure i will get back into it and not feel like i need to walk out part way thru the classes lol but still i'd like to be coping with them perfectly like NOW lol

Not much else going on...did notice they were advertising the foxy challenge for next year in the fernwood magazine....so will have to give that some thought about entering (i sucked at it last year! lol) but i do more classes now so i should be able to go okay.

Alright off i go :)

Oh i have been slack of late :(

My friend in hospital is improving...his partner sent me a email today that he is in hospital for 8 more days then will spend 2-3 weeks in a rehabilitation hospital to work on his motor skills...at this point he cant walk but they believe they will resolve this. He is very perky and in fact sent out invites to his 40th overnight! LOL

The scales were lovely to me this morning :) I lost another 1.1 kilos this week taking my total loss to 65.3 kilos so i am now 105.6 kilos (omg how tiny do those numbers sound???!!!) I feel very confident that xmas day i will be under 100 kilos.

Gymmed it last nite...actually tried pushups on my toes...i managed 7 i think...altho its in dispute whether they were actual pushups or not...fiona says they were altho not deep and my butt was doing its own wonky thing...i say i was barely moving LOL so will wait and see how they go with time.

Tonite im off to do the cycle class and be weighed and measured...ive had a sore tooth the last few days (will get it looked at when i get some weekdays off) which has made it hard to get much water in...but i saw my doc yesterday and he gave me some panadeine forte to tide me over till i get into the dentist and am actually getting the water in today....tonite will also get measurements done.

Not much else going on...have a good day all

WOW today was one tiring day!!! I of course gymmed it this morning...firstly i did a pT session on the cardio equipment (only second time ive ever done one of these sessions - can u tell how much i dont like the cardio equipment? LOL) We (as in I!) did the cross trainer...with different focuses....like focusing on pushing then pulling on the handlebars...legs only etcetc with different speeds on the xtrainer...then on the rower it was 2 hand grips with focusing on power or speed. Bloody exhausting! Then I went in and did body pump which was for 60 minutes...then 60 minutes of body balance....man i was one happy gal when the relaxation part of body balance came along...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

I seriously did not do too much else for the rest of the day...i was friggin exhausted....but im sure if i do it a few weeks in a row ill get use to it LOL

The scales were very nice to me this morning...106.4 kilos so just 500 grams off 65 kilos....would be lovely to drop down to that elusive 105.9 tomorrow morning but i think that is expecting too much LOL

Tomorrow i am working...i have to work 6 days this week...the only good thing is i finish at 3.30pm each weekday...so its a great week for getting to all the classes at the gym this week :)

When i was in body pump today i did glimpse in the mirror....and really my top half is becoming very noticable to me that its getting much smaller...i will always have the boobage going on lol but my frame is certainly getting much smaller...now just for the hips, stomachs and thighs to follow!!

Not much else to say...off i go...enjoy ur saturday nite!!!

I had some bad news today. Wednesday i found out a good friend of mine was in hospital with something called gillies-[fill in blank i forget the other word in the name lol] Anyway...wednesday i was told things were looking bad...that he couldn't walk and they were about to give him a blood transfusion and were looking at putting him in intensive care :( the transfusion helped and he seemed on the improve...i was planning to visit him this morning after the gym...but unfortunately ryan called me whilst at the gym to let me know he had a bad nite and deteriated...so they are doing another blood transfusion today...hopefully this one will get him back on the road to recovery. Really shows you how you shouldnt abuse good health tho...hes the same age as me...healthy...goes to the gym...the good news is his good health is prolly what is helping him (people have died from this condition) Fingers crossed over the next few days i get some better news about him.

Gymmed it today...was friggin torture lol ... one hour of boxing... including climbing 11 flights of stairs (not all at once) but taking it two stairs at a time without holding on to the handrail.. (i was very tempted just to take the lift! LOL) plus jumping (yuck) and running...seriously thought i was gonna pass out during it LOL but now its done im glad fiona decided to bust my ass today ;)

Went op shopping...went to this lil store that always seems to get some good clothes...bought 3 tops and one skirt all for $17...BONUS!! One of the tops is a millers size 14 and it FITS me !!!

Tomorrow...gonna do a trial run of PT session of cardio...60 minutes body pump and 60 minutes body balance...ill be one tired girl tomorrow afternoon!!

Okies thats it...enjoy your day!

I gymmed it today. Firstly i did RPM...sarah (the instructor) walks in to the class and says "karyn fi told me to flog you" LOL then she says...there will be some special karyn turns today .... lol then in the class she yells out "turn your resistance up...karyn this is just for you" lmfao!! Fiona haunts me at the gym hehe ;) I then did weights with fiona...i was one buggered girl! Then me and fiona got talking...anyway i was saying how after dropping to 106.7 kilos yesterday i gained 800 grams overnight...i was also saying how sometimes i just hate weight loss and everything about it...she was saying to me that i have a addictive personality (does she know me or what?) and that im fine but when the scales turn against me my headspace just gets so bad so quickly...as we talked i was saying...i get scared if i stop losing today, tomorrow or whatever im convinced if that happens before i get to a healthy weight range i will end up back at 170 kilos. Fiona was like i dont think you will...your a different person to what you were 4 years ago...she was like your even different to the person i first met...with a different lifestyle now. she then asked me...do u ever write on your journal about these times when you struggle? And how you are really feeling? I was like no...I dont like people seeing me vulnerable like that...fiona was like maybe you should let the people around you support you occassionally...your human...you dont have to be in control all the time. She has really pinpointed something i have always done...i dont like anyone seeing me as not succeeding...or not in control...im a very independent person for me to let anyone even online see me as vulnerable well is daunting to say the least! LOL so beware in the future there may be posts where i am struggling...and may not be doing so wonderful at weight loss i may not be the inspiration that so many people seem to see me as...so theres my warning! Have a good nite all!!

Well I weighed in today and lost 1 kilo YAY :) So that was my 8th loss in a row (how is that for consistency?) and takes my total loss to 64.2 kilos. So 800 grams to lose this week and i will hit 65 kilos lost...so fingers cross everybody!!

I am back at work today...im still getting nausea but the medication is helping...if its still bad on friday ill go back to the docs. Tonite im gonna skip the gym and hopefully i will be much better tomorrow.

Not really much else to say...lol...just wanted to post my loss (and yes gloat a lil!)

Well its been a few days eh?

Lets see...sunday i went and met up with sam, jo and martine from ww for lunch at the markets. was lovely...i had kung po chicken and fried rice...and WATER lol. The girls all said they could see a difference which was lovely (admittedly it had been over a year since i had seen sam! lol) but it was real nice sitting around chit chatting. Then came home and BOOKED my flight to streaky!! so i flight out on december 23 (at bloomin 7.10am) but am very relieved i wont have to deal with a 10 hour bus trip...if the seat is squeezy on the plane at least its only 90 minutes.

Then monday i woke...i couldnt balance myself or focus properly and had the worse nauseas and throwing up...ended up ringing mum and telling her i needed her to come to the docs with me (i was really worried id faint in the waiting room) turns out i have a inner ear infection...i was off work yesterday and today...im still taking meds for the nausea....but will go back tomorrow...apart from a headache the nausea tablets keep everything at bay...and i will skip the gym tomorrow nite too...hopefully by thursday ill be all okay...if im still needing the nausea meds on friday ill go back to the docs then...i do feel a lot better...altho this morning when i woke was a bit rough...but took the meds and the nausea settled down. Ive never had anything like this before...and it was really revolting...ended up spending last nite at mums as i really was worried about falling and hurting myself...but things are on the improve now.

As i was at mums i didnt weigh in this morning...but will tomorrow morning...im expecting a loss...(maybe not a big loss but a loss all the same) this will be the 8th loss in a row (presuming it is a loss) so fingers crossed!

Anyway thats about all in the non exciting life that is mine! LOL Enjoy your day all =]