After hitting 105.6 kilos yesterday...i was up 500 grams this morning ARGH i am quite convinced i need to now keep my calories 1200-1400 calories to get the losses and maintain them. 1600 calories is obviously too high (and i only hit about 1500 anyways :() It concerns me...for a few reasons...every single time the scales fluctuate and i have a gain whether its 100 grams...or 2 kilos...all the fears come rushing back to me...this is it...this is the point where i cant lose any more weight. I know its irrational and our bodies have fluctuations...but there it is. I know some people mite think...whats wrong with sitting at your current weight? Apart from the fact its still 30 kilos off the healthy weight range...im completely convinced or fear if i ever stop...even if it was to try and maintain...it would be the first step towards going off track and ending back up at 170 kilos :( The thing is...people think i am a weight loss machine...yes I have lost a lot of weight...and yes i have had 9 losses in a row...but especially this year i have been so focussed...in some ways i am too focussed probably. I watch my eating to the tenth degree...i watch my sugar...saturated fat levels...sodium and calories....add to that i work out a lot...so i SHOULD have those losses..for the last 3-4 months if not longer i have not gone off my eating at all...i dont eat out a great deal and dont eat much processed foods...but besides this ramble...getting back to the point is the fear. I have been reading another journal....for a long time...this girl lost heaps of weight and was within a few kilos (i think about 4) of her goal weight....she then went off track...is eating lots of processed and high sugar foods...and really struggling. I know struggling is part of weight loss...but i guess that cements my thought that i just simply have to get to 76 kilos or lower...anything else...and well for one thing i am leaving this unfinished....and for another im just opening myself for putting all the weight back on. I think once i get to that goal weight ill be fine...ill get its a different part of my journey...and i think naturally (i hope) my focus will change from the scales to more about my body shape and fitness. There is also the fact i "do my own thing" in a lot of ways im glad i went away from ww....it forced me to research a lot on nutrition and certainly gave me a true understand about food and nutrition and not simply how many points are in a item of food...but because i do my own thing...theres no handbook...theres no where i can go too and go "okay at this weight and this age you should be eating this many calories" its constantly trial and error for me....and theres also other things like when you follow a set plan there are some other things you can work towards...such as slimmer of the year for ww etc...im not overly fussed that i cant get involved in something like that...but at the same time it would be a additional goal. That said its about doing it for me and not cos you mite be handed a $500 wardrobe or whatever but there is the group aspect too...im pathetic at meeting new people :( but i have a lot of friends doing ww...and i do have a support system especially via the gym with fiona and eve my dietician....but yet at the same time especially when it comes to food and the calories etc i do sometimes feel like im flying solo...trying to work it out and whilst i have some knowledge...i dont know all about it...if that makes sense...boy i can ramble :(

Despite this...i did gym it last nite...ran for 5 minutes non stop (prolly not wise seeing my foot has been playing up lately) and then did about 45 minutes walking on the treadmill...i then did the studio cycle class...in the last month...since before i had the surgery...ive done only one other cycle class...amazing how hard these last 2 classes have felt...im sure i will get back into it and not feel like i need to walk out part way thru the classes lol but still i'd like to be coping with them perfectly like NOW lol

Not much else going on...did notice they were advertising the foxy challenge for next year in the fernwood magazine....so will have to give that some thought about entering (i sucked at it last year! lol) but i do more classes now so i should be able to go okay.

Alright off i go :)