The Final Post

Well tomorrow is a new year. The past 3 1/2 years of this weight loss is over. In a lot of ways i feel like its been the practice run for 2010. Yep ive done good but not as good as i could have done. This year showed me fitness and all the challenges that come with it are not out of my reach. My new life and what i am grabbing is about to happen. I am not going out tonite. I dont want to start MY new year with a hang over. Thruout 2010 i am not going in any chat rooms except the pink sofa one (which i dont go in often anyway lol), as of tomorrow its starting to count my 1800 calories per day....and tomorrow i will get in some exercise too then saturday back to the gym ! Today im back on the water bandwagon...my face has broken out and i am sick of it. And with that....this is my last post on this journal. I have decided its time for this part of "kazzs journey" to close. The new url is http://kazzs2010.blogspot.com so add it to your faves...and i will see you there in 2010 !

amazingggggggggggggggggggggg

hahahahahah i just ran my hand across my upper chest (no i wasnt playing with my boobies!) and i felt a HUGE lump...i thought omg shit....thats huge...i kept rubbing....then realised thats not a lump thats some muscle lol (well i think it is and thats what im telling myself !) I finally am feeling muscle in some parts apart from my bloody upper arms YAY

Sunday December 27

I went shopping today. Katies had 50% off everything. I bought 2 pairs of 3/4 trackpants for the gym, 2 tshirts, pair of board shirts (which are too small :() and also one of those uv shirts. Mite actually go back and buy another pair of board shorts next size up...anyway i got it all for $100 pretty impressed. All my workout gear for the gym was winter gear and too hot to wear long pants at the gym now and for my walks so was really happy i managed to buy several of them. I then went to this shop called "game" they had the US biggest loser game plus they had one called "just dance" so next pay day i mite go get them.

A group of us who use to go on the ww forum have a daily thread...and sam on it suggested yesterday for every kilo we lose this year we donate $1 to a charity next xmas. So as you can see over there <--------------------- i have set up my chart to keep track. Plus i am thinking seriously of doing the fernwood challenge.

Ok well off to watch my crime 360...back to work tomorrow for some public holiday pay lol then one more day and 22 days off work ! lol bring that chit on! lol

Christmas Day

Well christmas day is coming to a close, i am about to watch my best friends wedding which i LOVE its just the best best movie.

Christmas day was really nice..i got some lovely presents including a gorgeous basket from the body shop...i love my baths and all that smelly stuff. When miss danielle was handing me my present she said "you will love that i picked it" lol She kept me VERY occupied at mums...she got "girl lego" all lego in girl colours lots of tones of pink and greens etc...so she had me busily building things...i also gave her make up...so she was busy doing my face lol. The funniest thing tho was when it came to desert she told my mum...me and karyn are sharing so i didnt even have to have a whole bowl full...only issue was she poured cream over it...and lets just say half a container later it was more like cream with a lil pudding more so then pudding with a lil cream lmfao. My youngest nephew also challenged me to tennis on the wii the minute i walked in the doors (which not surprisingly i lost) so all round it was a fun day. I did have what i would call a non scale victory...Danielle put her kids sunglasses on my fat head today and they fitted...didnt mis-shape the glasses or anything...guess i no longer have a fat head...so that is the non scale victory of the day lol.

This time of year does make me reflect on so much...this year can only be declared a success...20 kilos later...and i emerged as the girl who LOVES the gym (not quite sure how the hell that happened!) and that is great...and i really am so proud of that...but well this year is practically over and done with...its nearly a new year and as ive previously said time to up the ante.

Tomorrow i wanna spend the day getting my house all organised...ive worked so often lately it is VERY neglected. Sunday i am going shopping to get my body fat scales and board shorts! YAY! On thursday i am doing IT yep SWIMMING! I hope it all goes well...then come saturday...its all back into it...gym gym gym. I was watching ruby tonite...she is 400 pounds and was doing a gym class! With all these skinny people...chit if she can do it so can i ! I really REALLY really wanna get close to 100 kilos this year...i dont want it being empty words...i just wanna DO IT...busting BUSTING to get back into it! And also...i am thinking of doing the gyms next challenge...it starts in february and basically the more you go to the gym the more points you earn...whilst id never win...it would be good to set a goal of a number of points and work my lil ass off to get them. Anyway we will see...im not usually a fan of "competition" as such and prefer to do my own thing in my own way...but mite mention it to fiona and see how it goes...oh and surprise surprise...my mean trainer sent me a merry xmas text today which i thought was really nice! So for today she is not mean lol

Okies i am off...!

PS jo - hugest congrats .... such a wonderful surprise...im really happy for you and your family :)

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL...I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A FAB & RELAXING XMAS AND 2010 BRINGS YOU ALL YOU WANT

Well the journal has finally gone private. Its a relief. A big part of why i needed to do it is over the last few months i have got in contact with my aunty (my dads sister) via facebook...then my cousin (whose dad was the one who climbed in my bed) also found me...and we have been chatting a bit....and recently she started asking questions about what happened when her dad visited for my dads funeral. Anyway its made me realise she could find out a lot by reading my journal and i have no desire to hurt her or cause her issues with the memory of her dad (he has since passed away) hence why the journal needed to go private. It will of course prolly mean i wont get as many readers but so be it.

The more i read and research...the more convinced counting calories and eating around 1800 calories convinces me this is the right track on to get the numbers on the scales moving. You CANNOT tell me with all the exercise and good eating ive done this year the scales havent moved apart from when i ate hardly any carbs...i think sticking to 1800 calories will work YAY. I have been venturing to different forusm especially 3 fat chicks and its nice getting a different perspective on stuff...im especially liking the fact they have PCOS forum and a calorie counting forum.

Anyway my sister and family arrive in Adelaide in a couple of hours...nearly time to go home from work .... run a errand and then head over to mums to visit with them

Have a good day all !

Before i lost any weight my clothes were all skin tight and to get into jeans i had to do this wriggle to get jeans on. Now they are not tight but out of habit i still do this lil wiggle...well yesterday morning whilst doing this i felt it in my back and my back is still blooming sore today...the deep heat has had one good workout !

So four more days then 3 days off then 2 more days (with one day getting paid double time and a half) then a blissful 22 days off from work ! damn i cannot wait...the last time i had such a long time off work was back in july 2007 when i ended up getting sick first day of my holidays....was a damn shitty holiday! Hopefully this one goes much better...with lots of activity...and some lunch catchups and some relaxationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I really do miss the gym...which is funny cos my last few sessions it was the last place i wanted to be ! LOL I am not scheduled to return till december 2 which is still another 2 weeks away nearly...man i will be busting to get back into it all by then. I really need to up the ante....im sick and tired of being alone...and whilst 99% of the top i live a rather happy life there are certainly times i miss not being in a relationship. I think sometimes i throw myself so much into the gym because well i dont have a partner theres nothing stopping me from it and at least i get out of the house...that said this toning chit really needs to kick itself up and really need to start seeing differences in my body. I think doing body pump several times per week...throwing in body balance plus doing what i had already been doing...including a few of my long walks should hopefully kick everything into action. Cos i seriously of sick of being this size...and this number on the scales...but we will see how i go.

Anyways not much else to say off i go...since i am SUPPOSE to be working mwuahahahahha

Thursday December 17

*** The journal is going private on MONDAY if you wanna still read it but havent sent me a email send it to me asap or no lookie for you ! lol ADD YOUR GOOGLE EMAIL ACCOUNT TO THIS POST IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU HAVENT NOTIFIED ME YET BUT STILL WANNA READ THE JOURNAL AFTER MONDAY ***

I miss the gym! Seriously after only 3 bloody days lol but i think thats a good thing...by the time january 2 comes along i am gonna be busting to get back into it. I have been doing a lot of thinking. In all honesty ever since i had the chat about my eating with fiona a few weeks ago. In that chat firstly she told me to eat more...and when we were talking about carbs etc (And remembering fiona is a trainer not a dietician) she turned around and said "what does Jillian say?" now it was partly said as a joke...but she did comment to me...seeing as you respect her so much...you should go on what she says...plus we know what she says works...this really got me thinking and when i got home that nite i came home and pulled out Jills book again. Fiona has also been talking to me a bit about getting out of the "diet" mentality and moving towards a "lifestyle" mentality. Now this week with the etools on the ww site i have tried eating half my exercise points....its doing my head in!!! I gets so friggin confusing! I need something simpler lol. Anyway so i pulled out Jillians book....and pen and paper....and worked out calories...what was so good about this...was Jillians method takes into account how active your job is as well as your exercise!Bonus! I can feel secure to being on a right track. So...i have decided to relax things a bit for the rest of the year...still eat as i have been....fit in some walks...after today i have to work 7 days straight. Then its xmas day...and a few days of relaxing followed by a couple of days of work then 22 days off work ! The first days apart from my birthday i will be busy putting some things in place....and they are...getting body fat scales...and buying some bloody board shorts! January 1...is a new plan of attack...1600 calories on non exercise days and 1800 calories on exercise days (should be 1800 calories most days), check my body fat percentage and record my hips, waist and bust measurements and lastly my weight...and thats exactly how i wasnt to look at it LASTLY the weight on the scales. I will prolly weigh etc weekly but really only be putting in my journal once a month. At the end of january i will look then at the big picture and hopefully i will have lost somewhere between 2 kilos to 4 kilos...if i do that i will be happy...enuff with the unrealistic expectations...but also just seeing the centimetres and body fat reducing too. As long as that happens ill continue as is...if not ill either reduce the calories by 100 or increase them by 100...(if i exercise a lot that month ill increase it by 100) but if i lose at least 2 kilos and the measurements are reeducing and the body fat reducing nothing will change. The year will be filled with lots of fitness classes, lots of walks, weekly swimming....and just turning into a fitness machine ;) (seriously....exercise is my strength...and im going with my strength! After all i have that mothers day classic and city to bay walks to work towards)

Something else ive been thinking about...you know the story of the saggy, baggy elephent? lol well thats me...lol my upper thighs and wrinkly with excess skin...my stomach has creases and is far from firm...its been fat for years but firm...now its loose and jiggly lol and im not phased by that at all...in someways its like a medal for the work ive done...but i think i need to reasses my goal weight. Whilst i realise ive lost 40 kilos and i prolly dont have heaps of loose skin considering that but i think at least initially i will end up with 5-10 kilos of excess skin. So whilst my bone structure is rather small...i dont think 76 kilos is being realistic so im altering that to 86 kilos...at least initially.

So thats the plan but before i go...one thing.... "We use the number on the scale to measure our progress not because it is the most accurate, but because it is the most convenient."

GOING PRIVATE

oh stupid me! The journal is going private on MONDAY if you wanna still read it but havent sent me a email send it to me asap or no lookie for you ! lol

Wednesday December 16

YAY its my friday. Last nite i didnt get to sleep till after midnight...dont think it was that it was warm...but just one of those nites when my brain was overthinking (how unusual for me eh?)

Work just gave us ANOTHER xmas present...this is a oven dish with shortbread cookies, candy cane, nuts, chocolates etc...its the 3rd "food" related present lol

Last nite i seriously made the scrummiest dinner...i got some chicken breast...diced it and sprinkled it with chicken seasoning and cooked it in a pan with bacon and onion...then added box choy and shredded cabbage with mashed potato on the side...whole dinner was 6.5 points and it was huge...super yummii too...im so impressed with how adventorous im getting with my cooking lately...not pasta every nite lol but still getting my carbs in. Tonite i am planning to make a home made pizza...and following what Jo posted the other day...gonna try garlic prawns with it (cut up small of course! lol)

I hope it calls down a lil tonite...i didnt walk last nite and today is suppose to be 39 with a cool change this evening...so fingers crossed after dinner i can fit in a decent walk. Tomorrow is weigh in and i am hoping for a 2 kilos loss...which would be good...only 6 days since weigh in...BUT i had been eating crap the few weeks prior too so a lot of it is prolly water loss...but it will be good to be edging towards that 45 kilo loss again.

Okies not much else going on...off to do some work...yes honest !

Tuesday December 15

The old ww forums have been interesting of late and reminded me of something. Theres been controversy, drama, sulking, sucking up, valid points and not valid points and blah blah blah it goes on...and of course theres the "im not gonna post" again post and then the people begging that person not to stop there posts...and while the whole drama bores the CRAP out of me it does remind me of something on this season of the US biggest loser. There was a contestant named shay who weighed 479 pounds (around 220 kilos) and she was on this machine with Jillian yelling at her..and she was saying i cant do it...i cant do it....and then she said i quit and walked out. All the contestants wanted to chase after her and bob wanted to go after her...but Jillian threated she would break anyones arm who did that (lol) and no one did...anyway a bit later this girl walked back in...and got back on that machine and did what Jillian had asked of her. She had also broken a habit. And it makes me reflect...a lot of people who have put on weight have comfort eaten because they were unpopular, or cos they clash with family etc etc...and when we do this and we learn this as a child...we sulk...we decide we are gonna punish that person by ignoring them...i remember doing stuff as a teenager to get attention...not talking to someone cos i didnt like something that occurred...and of course what happens then is the person is like "whats wrong?" and you get that attention....and if you dont get the attention you comfort eat...so this teaches "me" to either comfort eat or doing something for attention...gets "me" what i want...but all that really teaches is weakness...weakness towards the fridge and also weakness within ourselves and how we carry and present ourselves. That said i am not like that now. Seriously ive clashed with people online before (Jody can confirm this lol) and Jody will also prolly remember years ago this would upset me, i would sulk...get upset blah blah....now...nope....im a different woman now...im strong...i dont need ANYBODIES Approval and quite honestly there is NO ONE who is going to agree with me 100% of the time...if they do...then quite honestly they are fake. I love nothing more then a bit of banter...im a good arguer...lol...but i dont argue over pathetic crap (like crap on the ww forum) If you are going to let peoples opinions influence your actions...then you will never be happy....and really is that other person invested enuff in you that ur not being happy will give them pleasure??? Like seriously pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

OKies off my soap box...making something COMPLETELY different for dinner tonite...ive got 2.5 points of chicken which i am gonna season with chicken seasoning, 2 pieces of shortcut bacon, cooked in a stirfry pan with bok choy and cabbage with a teaspoon of oil...i have NO Idea if this will taste nice! lol Ryan was like..."oh listen to you Masterchef at the princess's house tonite" haha...ass !

Im not exercising today...its bloody 38 degrees ! If i had bought some board shorts i coulda gone down to north adelaide aquatic centre...but i havent bought any yet...i do want some tho and i do want to start swimming...not so much for burning calories...but just for more activity...i think it mite be good for my body to just relax in the water...and i really just wanna do more varied things...even starting to think about buying a bike...i just worry about crashing on one...and thats a old "fear" installed from childhood.. i was never allowed a bike cos mum thought id end up hurt...yeh prolly woulda but i dont think getting hurt is the end of the world (that said i know when i did ballet even my ballet teacher said no bike riding) but it mite be something ill start doing...

Anyway im off to sit in front of the air conditioner with a pepsi max lol enjoy all!

Monday December 14

I am so tired right now but kinda restless too. I went to the gym tonite...did 30 minutes on the treadmill (altho my right ankle was hurting somewhat so i was going rather slow) then i did PT which was weights. And i was so exhausted thruout it...really not like me...i was just thinking ok get on to this exercise and get it out of the way...of course we finished bloody early cos i wasnt fart assing around loland so we ended up doing 2 extra exercises. On the leg press i was doing 70 kilos today...so kicking a lil bit of ass. But what I came to the conclusion is i prolly needed some carbs in the afternoon then maybe i wouldnt have been so tired. The counting exercise points and eating half of them is kinda doing my head in. It sounds simple in theory but i get home...work out ive done however many exercise points and then to have half of them im kinda eating in the evening. Today i didnt even eat all my exercise points...ive saved 3 points. But i do wonder if this may get too confusing for my lil head lol. I wish there was just a golden rule...like you earn 20 exercise points...you eat 10 points over 5 days or something...its kinda like each day im playing with numbers. Must admit part of me wonders if i should just eat healthy and try to get out of a diet mentality (something fiona has been discussing with me a bit lately) and part of me would prefer to just stick to my 24 or 25 points a day.

This coming year i do wanna focus more on my fitness and less on number on the scales. I realised today...i no longer get pain from my planter fastisis...truly amazing...cos it was only 4 months or so i went to the podiatrist...amazing...the innersoles i got from the chemist really helped and not at a ridiculous price!

Tomorrow is my dads birthday...if he was alive he would have been turning 64. So my thoughts of course are there with him...mum messaged me today to say the docs think she has a gall bladder infection...so she is off for a ultrasound tomorrow...quite bizarre the timing of that on Dads birthday.

Okies off i go....enjoy your nite all

Monday December 14

Well last nite had a yummii tea of spaghetti bolognaise then threw on the walking shoes and went out walking for 75 minutes! I burnt 909 calories (7 exercise points) and by the time i got home the soles of my feet were burning and i could feel it in my calves but i felt so good. Might have to do it again tomorrow night. Ryan of course when i told him this morning came up with suggestions for a longer route...bloody males lol but of course now that hes put that challenge there i may have to do it ! LOL Maybe on my day off.

Tonite i have my last PT session with fiona for the year...i have suspended my gym membership till january 1...so whilst a break is nice it is gonna take a bit more discipline to get the exercise in each day.

Foodwise i am doing good...and even better i have not weighed myself on my scales...so when i weigh in on thursday i will have NO idea how much i have lost.

Anyways not much else to say...enjoy your monday all !

Sunday December 13

Well working a weekend is freaking delightful eh? lol Yesterday was spot on with my points...when i got home my ipod wasnt charged so i didnt go out for a walk (lazy ass i am) but i charged it last nite...should be home by 4.30pm today plenty of time for a hour or so walk. Was very please with myself last nite...i bought some more of that wretched ww garlic bread...last time i bought it i ate a whole bag in one nite! LMFAO anyway opened the bag...popped just one piece in the oven...and the rest is still sitting in my freezer YAY me !

Work gave us yesterday a christmas stocking full of lollies...there were two sherbet sticks in it so ryan (cos he knows i dont wanna eat them) stuck them in my plant lmfao...i had 2 fantales and 1 freddo frog...rest are just cheapo lollies which dont appeal to me at all.

Tomorrow is my last PT and last gym session for the year...WOW how fast has that all gone???? My gym membership is then onhold till January 1...will be back there on the 2nd...and no excuse whilst on holidays...one body pump and one body balance class per week (with luck i mite get the guts to even go to more then that lol but lets not rush into these decisions)

Okies not a lot else to say...have a good day all

Friday December 11

What a interesting day!

Went to the gym for PT....today was boxing...ive got my lil heart rate monitor on as i do for every session...now its set so when i reach 90% off my maximum heart rate its alarm goes off. Normally it goes off relatively regularly during the session. So fiona has me running ragged...doing crazy stuff like 2 squats kick with my left leg ... 2 more squats and then right kick...and repeat it like 10 times on each leg...then run to the other end of the room and do either jabs, upper cuts, hooks and kicks at the kicking bag then run back again and start again...and it was a non stop circuit...anyways for the first time in a session the heart rate monitor didnt go off...fiona was like...is it on? Im like...yes....maybe its broken haha...shes like no...i think it means your fitness has just improved a lot...she also commented that my balance when doing kicks at the kick boxing bag has improved a lot too..so YAY a good session!

I then went into city chic to have a look around. I saw some strapless dresses which were rather nice (the place i have lost the most weight is the top of my chest around my collar bones and shoulders so i figure maybe i should show them off!) If none of the dresses suit me tho they have lots of glittery tops etc...but ill buy something closer to the 16th january when my birthday is.

I then went to the ww meeting...i knew i had gained...ive been eating crap...i was expecting to be around 132 kilos...so was pleasantly surprised i had only hit 130.4 kilos. Its been interesting with this bad eating how quickly my foot pain has reappeared...after 9 months of my feet being pain free its annoying that even sitting on the sofa with them raised they are still aching...oh well that will teach me !

I then went out christmas shopping...and grocery shopping...so the kids presents are bought...and i also bought a air mattress so next time we have hot weather woo hoo dont need to drag my mattress down...just gotta blow this one up...

Okies...off i go...tomorrow i start day 1 of working 12 out of 13 days...you have no ideaaaaaaaaaaaa how much im looking forward to this christmas break...*chants 18 days to go*

PS Martine to add your name to access to the journal once its gone private i need you to email me the email address for your google account - please email to princesskaryn@optusnet.com.au - thanks!

Wednesday December 9

Something strange and eye opening happened last nite. Tania sent me a message...and said ive just updated my journal id like some feedback from you if i can...so i went over to have a look. And i swear to gawd the post could have been written by me anytime over the last 10 months or so. So i sat there and responded...and its amazing when you are looking at a situation logically, taking all the emotion out of it...its amazing how clear your thinking can be. So i responded back to tania...and then after i reread my response i added at the botton "please copy and paste and send in a reply to myself" and i was joking when i said that but there was a serious side to that. So its time to take my own advice...and i am going to...here is the plan

1. Back to ww and accepting that the scales are a tool ONLY - i will also do monthly measurements and i also plan on getting some body fat percentage scales with my christmas money.

2. Ensuring i sleep between 7-9 hours per night...not too little and not too much

3. I am gonna get a pedometer and wear it daily and sure i hit 10,000 steps per day but i wont use it for working out my exercise points. I will still continue...to eat 28 on days i exercise and where i burn 800 calories...when i only earn 400 calories ill eat 26 points and when i dont exercise at all ill stick to 24 points.

4. Work out 6 exercise sessions per week...My sessions with fiona...plus body pump once a week and body balance or pilates once a week

5. Eating organic food wherever possible

Dont forget anyone who wants to continue reading my journal after it goes private please send me a email and i will add you to the list. I simply need to know your google account email address (if you dont have a google account click on the link at the bottom of this post to add a comment and you can sign up for a google account there) I have recieved some lovely emails..really supportive ones...so i really thank you all and of course everyone whose emailed me will be able to view the journal. So send me a email at princesskaryn@optusnet.com.au

In relation to my BMI i only need to lose 10 kilos and i will go from morbidly obese to obese and i am figuring thats where theyd prefer me to be...but i think as long as when i go back ive lost a bit more ill be fine. The nurse didnt seem to think it was a big deal cos i am guessing i have a "healthy" look to myself.

I am home today with cramps (will be so good to have the surgery and for this TOM to really settle down or even better possibly disappear altogether)

Okies off i go,,,enjoy ur day all

Tuesday December 8

Last nite i watched the latest 2 episodes of season 8 of the US biggest loser...the final is tonite on US tv so hopefully i will have it downloaded by the weekend. It was such a motivating episode...the last 4 in the house did a marathon...and they all were so slim n healthy looking...cant wait for the final! I have several of the current contestants on my face book so im sure ill know the winner way before i watch the show (think Danny will win but go Amanda )

Went to RAH today to see the gyne speciallist about whether they are going to do the surgery or not. It was basically get the surgery or have a IUD inserted and i am completely against the IUD. Anyway the doc was lovely...filled out all the paperwork...only issue may be my BMI...its 42 and apparantly just fell out of the range for day surgery...but the nurse said my general healthy is fine and i look fit and healthy so it may not be a issue but they may call me in for a appointment with a aneathetist before the surgery. Anyway he thinks i would prolly be having the surgery in february. Of course thats even more reason to get back on track. Then after that had to go get a blood test then went to the gym...now i am home and relaxing !

Have a good day all!

I am really not focussed today. Today i am working my 7th day in a row...im tired...and have not had a lot of spare time. Anyway came home from work last nite...had been good foodwise all day then after dinner i wanted more to eat so i went over my points by 7 points...and its really made me question things...cos i feel how things are going at the moment isnt working. I really wonder if i should go back to meetings...the next 8-9 weeks i could get to meetings in the city (meetings not at the myer centre)then in the new year...i suspect we may at some point be stopping working weekends (not confirmed yet but ive heard a rumour) if that was to happen i could go to the 9am salisbury meeting then head into town for PT. What makes it hard is fiona is only available for PT two nites a week...monday and thursday and i do 3 PT sessions per week...there is a local meeting on monday nights but i cant make that cos of PT. But i feel like something needs to change...just weighing in at home isnt working...im not sure if its extra motivation that a meeting mite give me and the accountability of stepping on their scales (altho when i havent lost i hate that accountability side of things) or maybe i need something completely different to shake things up. What i do know is i cant stop ... ive still bought my healthy lunch today and am half expecting a text from fiona saying...what is going on? Then again maybe im just tired...today is my 7th day of working 7 days in a row...didnt get home till after 6pm last nite and i was back here at 7am so i am really tired...and pretty much had enough of work today. While logically i know i dont wanna stop and dont wanna gain any weight...i also dont seem to have the focus and drive i normally have which is concerning to me. Maybe i should just go back to ww throw myself into the meetings and see how i go...the gym is running a challenge in february and maybe i should try that...usually when they run a challenge its based on u earn points for attending the gym...for different group sessions etc etc...i wish i could click my fingers and then find that damn motivation!

Sunday December 6

I can only classify yesterday as a very successful day! Spot on with points...i didnt exercise so i stuck to 24 points instead of 28. On thursday night Fiona said to me....(cos she knows how bad i am about eating vegetables) anyway she said...buy a vegetable you have never had before and just try it...even if you dont like it...just give it a try...so being the good PT client that i am lol i went and bought egg plant...so i come home...cooked some bacon, onion and garlic...while i had cherry tomatos roasting in the oven...chopped up the eggplant...tasted a bit...omg it tastes fine! So i thru it in the pan...then the cherry tomatos...mixed that up...and then served it over pasta with some ww sour cream. It was so yummy people i kid you not ! Tonite i am making spaghetti bolognaise and im gonna throw in the last couple of slices of the eggplant (diced up of course) and im also gonna throw in cabbage and carrots to beef it up...i figure i wont be able to taste the cabbage so this mite be the way to go to increase some more of my vegetable intake.

I have decided i will make the journal private...I will set it private over the next week or so...so if you want access send a email to princesskaryn@optusnet.com.au telling me the username/email address of your google account.

Today will be a exercise free day again..im working and wont get home till after 6pm ... and then have to cook dinner etc and i have to start work at 7am tomorrow morning...tomorrow i finish tho at 3pm thankfully...will get some gym work in tomorrow nite...need to get back into the interval training.

Okies not much else going on...enjoy all !

Well...still thinking...yes i am way too big a thinker. Must admit part of the thinking is about this journal. Thing is ... last weekend went out for dinner with friends from school there was a friend there i hadnt seen for about 18 months...anyway she was able to track down my journal with the help of google! Now i didnt care that she saw it...we are good friends...she prolly knows more about me then most and made me realise how open i am in terms of this journal. There are some things on this that I dont want some people knowing about...where those posts are, in three years of journalling i have no idea! (One of the downsides in getting back in contact with long lost family members) There is also the fact of my honesty on the journal...there are certain topics i avoid...i dont like to sit here and whine cos then i may get responses which whilst arent written condescending i read them as condescending...there are times i wanna write "this sucks i hate the scales and i hate having to make this a priority" admittedly 99% of the time i dont feel like this but there are times where it sucks. Its like i read about all these lil perfect people on the ww forum who has lost 15 or 20 kilos and they preach to someone whose struggling whose been at it for 6 months or 12 months...lost 30 kilos or whatever and now struggling...guess what peeps???? NO ONE is perfect i dont care who the hell you are and how you choose to let yourself be perceived on the forums...your not perfect...your not wonderful...your just damn human and havent been doing this long enough to truly understand all the mind games and plateaus etc you go thru. I am now completely convinced that 20-30 kilos to lose is EASY yes it is...ive lost count of how many friends have lost this amount then struggled...me included...i personally think our bodies are designed to lose 20-30 kilos with ease...after that it gets a bit tougher...its a complex thing...cos you not only want to lose weight...but more importantly you want to lose fat...not muscle...and do it in a way that means no detrimental affect to your overall health. Yanno ww is a good plan...do i think its the be all and end all? NAH...cos i dont think one plan suits all...i think we all as individuals need to do what ever works for us. If that means sticking to ww religiously (and sometimes on those forums i do friggin think its more like a religion then a weight loss forum)Thats not to say im bagging weight watchers ,,,, im not. What i am saying tho is, it isnt perfect but then neither is any weight loss plan. Certainly with the weight loss people i know online...weight watchers is popular..that said i have struggled...not with my health....my health is improving...as fiona pointed out the other nite...whilst i may not see it she sees huge changes...im no longer sick all the time, no longer having dizzy spells, i lift HUGE weights...my fitness has greatly improved and overall i have improved. In all honesty the gym and fiona is a much bigger part of my life then any weight loss plan...simply cos thats where i get my feedback and motivation...i think getting the new scales and focusing on body fat and measurements will be much better for me too then "numbers on the scale". So where to from here? Not sure...part of me thinks make the journal private...part of me thinks delete it (altho i never would cos it has too much history on my weight loss journey) and part of me thinks keep a journal just for my eyes and update here once or twice a month...so havent decided there yet.

What i am going to do is keep doing ww at this point...on 28 points (increased the points when i reworked out my points on the point quiz) and then reweigh myself on december 31. If i am still sitting at a similar weight it mite be time to put a different way of looking at things...with that...i am actually listening to fiona...and im gonna try and take some expectations off myself...i have that mind set cos i am over 100 kilos i should be losing well over 1 kilo per week...i think after losing 40+ kilos thats not going to happen...that combined with the health things...combined with PCOS i need to be kinder to myself and also to relax more and maybe even enjoy life a lil more! Combined with my work outs 1-2 hours per day (was reading jillian last nite she said dont work out longer then 2 hours). So i guess without realising it thats the plan for the next few weeks...28 points per day...exercise minimum of 1 hour per day...relax...maybe even take some bubble baths! And yay my leave is now only 24 days away then we are gonna relax BIG TIME.

Okies hopefully this post didnt offend too many people...but u know if it did? Well chit happens lol...okies enjoy all

So i went to the gym today but didnt work out ! lol Me and fiona ended up just talking i told her pretty much everything i have written over the last few days in my journal and she told me she had been concerned i wasnt eating enough and enough variety. I explained to her how i earn about 52 exercise points per week but never eat them...she asked how they work out the points...and i was like age, height, weight activity level...shes like what activity level have u put down? I was like...the lowest...sedentry...shes like no...your more active then most people...i want you to redo that so it reflects the exercise your doing. So i have done that...it gave me 4 extra points per day...i normally earn 7-8 exercise points per day...so no counting exercise points and ill just stick to that and see how it goes. Then we talked about carbs lol...she suggested i look for healthier carbs...and eat pasta a couple of times per week...and eat my grainy bread and get off this low carb deal and just start eating better carbs. She then reminded me of how well ive done...she was like i know you dont necessarily see it but u have improved so much...you dont get sick anymore...you dont have dizzy spells...i use to have to be so careful with you cos you really didnt cope well with the exercise in the beginning...now you do...you are still dealing with some health issues...start relaxing and being kinder to yourself. OKies thats the shortened version haha ;) Basically readdress my food...and stop stuffing up my body by not eating enuff variety and by not eating enuff! lol

THEN she told me she wants me to buy a vegetable ive never had and just try it...so i did! well a few! sweet potato...and eggplant...anyone got good recipe for eggplant? I also bought carrots, cabbage and cauliflower...holy smokes! Now just gotta eat it all.

OKies enuff writing today....im off to sleep...and tomorrow i am going to the gym...and gonna hit that treadmill!

Oh and have i mentioned lately i have a fab personal trainer? ;)

Right at this moment i have the hugest craving...for a nice grainy roll with chicken on it! And what thats making me realise is over the last month or so ive prolly been too restrictive,,,and thats prolly where last nites post came from. I need to remember this is for life...and whilst i need to increase red meat and fruit n vegetables i need to still be eating food i enjoy. Last nite i coulda eaten non stop ! LOL i did eat a bowl of pasta...and a piece of cheese but thats not the end of the world...but it has made me think maybe i have focused too much on the scales...it hasnt been the focus is to do this for life, or to make sure im getting all i need nutritionally to keep me healthy...its been all about getting those numbers down...and yes get healthy is partly about that...but its not the be all and end all....and i really wish i had other ways to judge my success on...i know we can measure ourselves but thats not too accurate when you live alone...there is what fiona mentioned about taking more note of my body fat composition then the number of the scales (part of me is worried if i start to have carbs at lunch i will gain as i ahve only been having carbs for breakfast) I think i just need to get a nice balance...and also not eat the same meal every friggin day ! Which is what i tend to do...i need to have salads some days...sandwiches other days...hot potatos some days...and i think i need to eat more "food i enjoy" anyways its more tweaking of the plan to suit me...and seriously if the having some processed foods...and carbs means i stay at the same weight for a few months...but my fitness levels increase...and my body shape changes some more then theres nothing really wrong with that...its NOT failing...and thats the problem those scales are such a determinant of how successful we are and if i am not successful on the scales...i feel like a failure. I was talking to fiona the other day...and she was like...if you feel good about yourself and your week and then you step on the scales and the result you get your not happy with and it plays with your mind...then thats where the issue is...because mentally its much better to be positive and focussed and eat well KEEP turning up at the gym...part of me sometimes thinks i should go to monthly weighing in...as you can prolly tell im a lil confused over stuff at the moment...i felt i had to be restrictive with carbs and processed foods to get decent results (and i did 4 kilos lighter then a month ago) but at the same time i am now having cravings...so i need to sort this out...i think maybe its just bout balance and getting the right balance of fresh, fruit, vegetables etc and treats so i dont feel like im missing out

PT tonite...YAY more torture...ok...off i go...enjoy all !

Been doing a bit of thinking...the last few days especially in the evening i have been craving carbs, so i am going to stop with the carbs restricting...i do wanna take some focus of the scales...what i really need to do is work out other measurements of success...ive lost 26 kilos this year...which is a damn good effort...i am reverting to simply counting points and eating a wide variety of food....one thing they do say on diet doctors is eat carbs and protein each meal. Count my points. But i want the next 12 months focus to be more on fitness and reshaping my body. I do wanna do the 7.2km walk for the mothers day classic, the 12km in the city to bay. But within that i wanna start living more...swimming, biking just healthy living...not to say im not gonna lose more weight jsut wanna change the focus and with that i think the weight loss will come along too.

Wednesday December 2

MAN i feel sooooooooooooo rested today :) Amazing what a nice early nite can do for you.

Last nite after dilly dallying about whether to go to the gym or go for a walk i mapped out a 5.94km walk which i will do tonite after dinner. Get some nice fresh air into me as sam pointed out!

Foodwise...managed to save 1 point yesterday...and dropped 300 grams (still above mondays weigh in by 600 grams tho - oops!)

Have decided 16th december to 31st december putting the gym membership onhold...fiona is on leave from 18th onwards for 10 days...i am working the 7 days prior to xmas and the gym is on restricted hours plus all the days its closed on public holidays...i pay $170 a fortnight...so seemed to be silly to pay that for a fortnight ill barely go. I will do lots of walking then....plus once i get my xmas money gonna buy a wii fit plus so im sure i can survive 2 weeks without the gym lol

Next week i am going dress shopping! Oh yes and xmas present shopping too lol but im super excited to think i am going clothes shopping...prolly wont find any dresses that suit me but gotta try...if not ive seen some nice pants and top at katies i like.

Not too much else going on...have a good day all !

Tuesday December 1

Well yesterday i was a lil bad lol (ok a lot bad) but whats done is done...i went to PT last nite...and told fiona i had gained 300 grams and she was like...but what happened with your body fat percentage? I was like i dunno...i dont have body fat scales....so her recommendation is i maybe look at getting some and focus more on that then the number on the scales. First thing fiona said was i have prolly gained muscle. When we started PT last nite shes like we will do more "bag" work so when u randomly come to my kickboxing class you are comfortable and know all the moves...i was like is that a hint? lol...big hint i am thinking lol

Today i am having a rest day...ive exercised the last 5 days...and my body feels a lil tired...prolly due to eating crap food yesterday admittedly!

Yesterday i did a bit of thinking...and yanno i think the doctors have had enuff goes with sorting out with whats wrong with me...so i rang a naturopath yesterday and have a appointment on 4/1/10 i told him that i ahve PCOS, low iron and apparantly hepatitis and he was all like...oh id love to work with u haha...anyway...he seems to think i prolly would just need to take some chinese herbal teas and that should sort me out...so ill put up with everything till then, I will still go see the specialist next week and see what he says about the surgery for the endoablasion.

Not much else going on...have a good day all!