Am I truly happy?

I got thinking tonight about am i truly happy.

I think back to when i started to gain weight. When my mum passed away I wasnt at my smallest. I was about 85 kilos. So about 6 kilos above my lightest. But I liked myself at that weight and was maintaining that weight. When mum passed away i gained weight....over the next 18 months i gained over 20 kilos. Until that point for the previous 6 years i had steadily lost weight.

I remember one time when mum was alive we had this fight...omg it was huge. I didnt talk to her for 6 months and my weight loss went so well at the time. There were numerous things she had done over her life that i didnt agree with. I use to remind myself  "its her right to make her own decisions, I cannot control them, and she has to live with the consequences" I think while i battled with things that had occurred thinking that gave me a level of peace.

There is something that happened a few months before she died that I think has eaten at me. It was in fact the last time I saw her before she got sick. She said...me and (her husband) got our wills redone and if anything happens to me and also her husband...then decision making will go to your sister and step brother. Now let me explain i have NO desire to have to make decisions in that situation, but it was a slap in the face. It was despite your my eldest child...someone not related to me by blood will have say over these major decisions ... not you. I couldnt even believe it happened. I said ok and nothing else and never discussed it with her. Now i dont say this to make anyone look bad....simply this is my journal and my journey.

Its a hard thing to deal with. How do you ever really come to any resolution with yourself that your own mother put others ahead of you. I realise tho....again....this was her decision....she made her decisions....i cannot and could not control them.....and anything that did or did not happen as a consequence of them is not mine to live with.

The hardest thing about all this is to realise...that your mother prolly didnt like the person you are. Didnt like the way you lived your life or respected you. Now I dont say that to get pity....im just being honest....thats what I get not only from this decision she made......but also other things from my life. Now it doesnt mean she didnt like me....I know she didnt.....but in my opinion....not the way a mother should. And yanno this isnt one sided. I am sure I was more then a pain in the ass at times, I know I am very stubborn and whilst I have no control over the fact I am gay (and trust me this was a major issue) I wasnt willing to budge on this topic....when it became clear that her and her husband didnt want the fact i like girls discussed...I certainly was stubborn and certainly distanced myself.

Do I regret anything I did in relation to my mum? Nope not at all. In writing this and acknowledging this makes me feel better. I remember discussing it with Fiona at the time but really didnt discuss it with anyone else. Understanding I cannot control other peoples actions and I cannot force ANYONE to like me...but I can control me and the life I want to live. This stuff has been in my brain for such a long time. Accepting and acknowledging yep I didnt have the relationship with my mum I would have liked but that I can make the life I want.

Its time to set some real life goals. When I think back to when I was slimmer....and what was the things I really enjoyed? Was it putting on a size 12 dress? Dont get me wrong...the smaller clothes was great but looking back it wasnt the highlight. The highlight was training and completing a 12km run. Climbing the Sydney Harbor bridge. Adventure caving at Jenolan Caves. Jumping on a plane and exploring a new city - those are the things that made my life and journey worth it!

Im tired of food being the "highlight of my day"

Theres a couple of places I would love to go too. The first is Cairns. The rainforests look gorgeous, the walks/hiking would be amazing....the great barrier reef would be amazing. whale watching, air ballooning....its the one place in australia I really want to go too. Next on the list is hawaii for a lot of the same reasons as cairns, the nature....the waterfalls, the hikes,the beach etc would be amazing,

And so I need to start setting a goal. And i think Cairns will be first. I have no idea when (maybe late next year)...no idea of costs etc....but I think if I could be double digits by the time I would go would be amazing...Id be fit and healthy enough to do all the things I want to do.

I dont want to get to the end of my life and be thinking "i shoulda...."....i shoulda done this and shoulda done that.

Its time to get excited.

My eating has been crap the last week. I totally believe eating "if it fits in my macro" style works for me. So I am back onto it tomorrow. I am returning to the gym on monday. I have next week off work. So I am planning to do some lunch time classes and then thursday night I am back doin PT with Beck. I will be doing PT only once a week and group personal training 3 times a week (hopefully)

Time to make me number one!

That old topic of....exercise!

One of the things I havent talked a lot about of late is EXERCISE. The reason why? well i havent been doing much apart from some walks. I was also very undecided what to do about the gym situation.

For those who have been following along ;) will know i was over the travel with the gym as my current gym is in the city and I work and live in the suburbs. And whilst I have a local gym with fab equipment I wasnt ready to leave my current gym. So what Ive decided to do is firstly tuesday night I am going to join the local gym. Initially my plan is to go there most days of the week before work and do 30 minutes of fasted cardio. I still have 11 PT sessions at my old gym...and as I want to slowly transition to the new gym...I will do a PT session once a week (on thursday nights) and also venture into the city the weeknights i can get there on time and do my program (for those wondering that is the teamheroic app thru chelsea i am doing). Whilst my old gym doesnt have all the equipment ill need i will hopefully be able to work out exercises to replace the ones i cannot do cos of lack of equipment. On the nights I cannot get to the old gym (as they close 8pm monday to thursday and 7pm friday night) I will go to my local gym. Allowing me to slowly get use to it and also still work out on sundays and public holidays etc)

People are prolly wondering why i am going to do my cardio in the mornings? Its two fold...I want to see how my body copes with doing fasted cardio (it may hate it) and I am keen to see how I respond mentally to doing some exercise before work...I have a feeling it may help my mood levels.

One of the things I discoverred this year is i enjoy and my body really responds to weight training. So I am really keen to get back into that. One thing I am going to have to do is stock up on leggings so I have plenty of clothes for working out. I have previously been wearing just kmart brand ones and must admit have got a LOT of wear out of them so will pick some up this week.

Weigh in result

So yesterday was weigh in day. Chelsea does things slightly different so instead of going by the actual number on the scale on weigh in day she has me work out my average weight for the week...and we compare it to the average weight of the previous week. So by that I was down 590 grams. That said I am eating quite high calories (about 1850 calories) and as my gym membership has been on hold minimal exercise. Thats also 3 losses in a row.

So this week my carbs are being lowered by another 10 grams. So my carbs are 180 grams now, and my fat and protein stays the same at 50 grams fat and 150 grams of protein. Which depending on food choices will put me someone between 1720-1820 calories a day. So still a rather high calorie limit. It certainly takes planning but i like this "counting macros" When i sent my weekly check in to chelsea yesterday I commented that its 3 weeks on track, no wavering if this is the right plan for me and no bingeing/overeating so i am very happy with how things are. Hopefully the slight change in my carbs will increase my losses each week.

I go back to the gym monday week and have decided to take that week off work. I think thats a good way to throw myself back into the gym and am planning to mostly do lunchtime classes.

I bought new protein powders last night....I use the brand "cellucor" i got the cor-fetti cake batter flavour and the choc chip cookie dough flavour ;) The corfetti one mixes up SO well with just water ... like its crazy .... you would think its in milk! The choc chip one I had in my oats this morning....it has teeny tiny pieces of choc in it LOL...was yummy and really brings the fat in my breakfast. I also purchased some BCAAs,as well as a mixed box of Bup and Quest protein bars....gave all of it at a very cheap price and cos im such a good customer threw in a shaker bottle :)

I also went to target. Unless a clothing item has stretch to it i am definitely a size 20. So i bought a denim jacket, and a flanelette shirt size 20 (the shirt tho is too tight around my hips just yet...so thats a goal to get into!) I also bought a long sleeved wine coloured tshirt...and also a wine coloured knitted jumper and also some brown ankle lace up boots....spoilt myself!

Decisions!

So i have wanted to post this week but felt so much of what was going on in my head shouldnt be on the internet ;) and I am not going to discuss the work issue at this stage....except to say....things are settling down - when i can say more i will

I havent been at the gym. And today I realised its time to get back to it. My eating has been good. This week as of this morning i was a lil over a kilo down this week (weigh in is friday morning)
The big decision has been related to the gym....do I keep going with Fernwood (the gym in the city) or go to a local gym. There was a lot of things to consider....fernwood is more expensive, longer to travel to get to it, adds a additionl bus fare per day, limited hours...the big thing it has going for it is i like the staff and i am comfortable there. My ability to get to the fernwood gym may become limited in the future....or if i end up working in the city it could be more convenient. I also have 11 PT sessions paid for,

The local gym has great equipment, open 24/7....they were having some changes when i was there the other day so only have a handful of classes...but i know no one there.

The program i am doing with chelsea......im sure if i spoke to Beck (my trainer...altho i did telling her i wouldnt be back in so not sure how keen she would be to train me) if she was willing to train me....i think she would be willing to work with me with this program.

The other option is i join both gyms.....and i attend the local gym on the days i cannot get to fernwood. I mean the local gym is offering me first month free (and half price joining fee).....and in the mean time i utilise those PT sessions i have paid for

Im confused....LOL...adding to the confusion is the fact i dont really know what hours etc ill be working which will impact how often i can get to the gym in the city and also that my fernwood membership is onhold till 28/4....more to think about!

The weekend at last ;)

So fridays weigh in i was down 1.09 kilos. Considering the week I had i was bloody impressed with that! LOL Since tuesdays meeting where we got told our jobs were going to be made redundant on june 30, sleep has become a elusive thing. Ive been tired, stressed, overthinking and waking with headaches :( And the scales were slowly going up. Since friday tho...Ive started to get some gastro/digestion issues too. My stomach feels rock hard....and not constantly but a few times a day (maybe 4-5) i will suddenly get stomach pains and need to do a mad dash to the loo LOL (graphic much?) which i am putting down to stress as well.

Last night tho i did manage a decent sleep...i woke up a few times but it was real quality sleep. Since the gastro thing has started....the scales have started to go down again LOL.

Work wise i am now at a point of if i dont get this role in the company just accepting its time to leave and that its time for a change, new challenges, meet some new people, and test myself in a new environment. I have confidence in my skills that I can secure another job. So if i find out i didnt get this one i will then go into full job seeking mode. At least one person in my job has already found a new full time job...so jobs are out there. Im really at the point....just tell me one way or another so i can move on with my life....this uncertainty is harder then the outcome.

What happens with work will determine what i decide with the gym. They released a proposed roster for work...and looking at that ill end up working later in the evening so the gym after work if i stay at fernwood just wouldnt happen for a fair amount of the time (and i am really not a morning exerciser! lol) So i think a 24/7 gym is the path i will need to go down too. The local one did SMS me the other day offering first month free .... and its on no contract... which as life can change so quickly i dont know id want a gym membership on a contract again...im learning from that LOL

Because of the uncertainty my current gym membership is on hold for 2 weeks and i told them maybe i wont close it....but...i think i will end up doing that cos unless i do leave O and get a job in the city it doesnt look like a city gym will suit...

Ok not much else going on! Ill update when I have more news :)

Whats been happening.

So i finally feel able to post :)

So workwise the news is my current role is redundant as of June 30. If I dont find another role that will be my last day. I have applied for a couple of positions within the company and hopeful of getting one of them. I will hopefully find out about that next week.

Obviously this week has been a hard week...and since i got the news i noticed the scales have gone up each day....which i think was just the anxiety and lack of sleep. Last night i was so exhausted i collapsed asleep quite early....and i felt a lot better today. Today my carb choices also werent great...but im ready to get back on track 100%

In relation to the gym .... im still undecided about that. Currently my membership is on hold for 2 weeks. If i get the job i am hoping for i may be doing a lot of nightshift/evening shifts....which will impact whether i continue to travel in to the city or not. Long term if i get this role...PT would definitely not be doable as my shifts will be all over the place. Altho the fact the gym in the city isnt 24/7 and is closed sundays and public holidays is a pain....i do feel more comfortable there...the training program thru my online coach is doable there with some minor adjustments....and of course there is the benefit of the group fitness classes that i could throw in to supplement things. But right now is not the time for making big decisions. Once i find out if i did get a new position in the company or will be leaving the company is a big factor in my decision.

Weigh in tomorrow...if my macros do change i will update over the weekend some time.

Update :)

So yes I am still here, kicking along! LOL

My week foodwise has been mostly good. Obviously its been a stressful week (refer previous post) and next week prolly will be the peak of the stress. I am definitely feeling the stress...yesterday and today with headaches, which I am sure is from not getting quality sleep. The unknown leaves you feeling rattled. That said....apart from a couple of bread rolls and cheese on monday night I have eaten good...which i think is brilliant considering the stress of this week! My cycle also arrived today....and the scales did go up a lil but that will be water weight which will go down over the next few days.

At this stage the gym is onhold. I have done my cardio for Chelsea....but right now I cannot deal with the gym as well. There is too much going on...and depending the outcome with work over the next week or so...the gym may be on hold for a couple of months. I can explain this more once I know where things stand professionally.

But i am really proud of how well I have adapted to the tracking of macros.

Friday night I am catching up with Tania and Martine....looks like we are going down Glenelg somewhere. I must admit the thought of a relaxing night with the two of them will do me the world of good. The thing with this stress is it is hard to "switch off" and just relax cos my brain is thinking about so much stuff.

Not a lot else going on...I will be back on friday at some point to advise my weekly weigh in result and confirm whether my macros are changing or not (i expect they wont)

How things can change....

So....well....LOL i dont even really know how to start this post!

There has been something work related been brewing since late February....and that is there is a good chance i will be made retrenched. I wasnt at work today which is how i went to the trial gym this morning....anyway got a phone call this afternoon to advise retrenchments are happening in my office and there is a very good chance i may be retrenched.

SO! Lawd! In relation to the gym now...all up in the air. My membership at my old gym is still running till i think May 25. I cannot justify paying another gym (even if it is relatively cheap). So I had told my gym i was cancelling....and i had also told my personal trainer i wouldnt be doing anymore sessions cos i was just gonna move on with the new gym and was tired of the travelling....now im kinda regretting that cos i might as well use what i have paid for! So i think....i will keep going to the old gym until at least then end of May...then make decisions then based on what I do or dont know....just not sure what i will do about PT.

Its very odd....ive not really been in this situation before. I am lucky in that I have worked there for nearly 15 years so i will get a very nice payout....and could live comfortably for even as long as 12 months without a job...but i wont be doing that (of course) Ive had 15 years experience in a call centre.....even if it is just part time work...I think i will be able to get something within the first few months. And of course if i can get stable work relatively quickly that will leave me with money to do some overseas travel which would be amazing.

At this stage tho....i need to wait for the outcome. Then the dreaded thought of dealing with centrelink and then i will have to shop for a "interview outfit" - i wear jeans and a jumper to work everyday LOL....no business wear in my closet! Altho I guess everything is done electronically these days I may need to buy a printer too.

Anyway not too much panicing yet....till I know definitely one way or another.

Checking out the new gym.

So the scales are moving at a ridiculous pace....so i am obviously losing a crapload of water weight. The night before i got back on track i had pizza and garlic bread as well as some popcorn...so was definitely retaining fluid.

So i got back on track on friday....i weighed in at 280.8 pounds/127.63 kilos....this morning i weighed in at 270.4 pounds/122.9 kilos....so i was super surprised by that. So 10.4 pounds i am down....11 pounds is 5 kilos. But this of course is a loss of mostly water weight. The most i have ever lost in one week i believe is 5.7 kilos....i will be stunned if i lose in excess of that...especially considering i am eating 200 grams of carbs and over 1900 calories a day!

I went and checked out the local gym today. I must admit this morning i had doubts about it and wondered if i had done the right thing...but really glad i went. The manager of the gym is a female power lifter and she said when she joined a gym she felt intimidated by guys in the weight room too. She made me feel very welcome and told me the days/hours when it can be a bit of a boys club (monday and tuesday nights), the benefit tho is living so close to this gym is i could go in before work. They definitely have all the equipment i could want....the cardio equipment...the bikes, cross trainers and treadmills all have personal tvs. They also have a arc trainer (i think thats what its called?) and rowers. In their group fitness room which you can go in and use they have everything from padded boxes for box jumps due to every size imagineable resistance bands....a squat rack....boxing bag...trx etc....so definitely no issues with not having equipment.

So i decided to do a workout. Which was the first day of my new weight program thru Chelseas app...so was lower body..a few of the exercises i hadnt done before and had to figure out the back extension machine (which i did ;)) it took about 40 minutes to complete...and then i jumped on the treadmill and did 25 minutes on a 8% incline and a speed of 4. Its amazing much my calves have improved....didnt hurt them at all!

I then walked the 10 minutes to get home :)

So my plan for this week i *think* will look like this:

tuesday : rest day - I need to go to the gym tho and do 20 minutes HIIT
wednesday: Lower body (squat day)
thursday: Upperbody (OHP day) + 20 minutes HIIT
Friday: cardio (before work as i have plans that night)
saturday: lower body (deadlift day)
sunday: Upper body (bench day)

The benefit about this local gym and being open 24/7 .... as an example...saturdays when i work like i will this saturday i would not be able to get to the old gym. As at this stage i have no plans saturday night....ill finish work....go to the gym and do my workout and then go home. This is one of the biggest advantages as my gym was only open limited hours on saturday and was closed sunday and public holidays...and cos it is so close to where I live....win!win!

How did I choose my online coach?

So I was asked about my online coach (chelsea) and how did i find this online coach? So the story is...well over 12 months ago i started to watch fitness and weight loss videos on you tube. I follow about 35 channels. This ranges from people who are currently losing weight, who have lost weight, power lifters, bikini models etc .... so a wide variety. Over that time i discoverred quite a few do online coaching. And because it is cheaper, more convenient and it worked in macros (which i know back to front) i felt it was something that would work for me. So anyway there were a number who do coaching....at least 7 .... after prolly 6 months....i thought if i decide to do it....i had narrowed it down to too...2 females...Chelsea and another. Chelseas pricing was actually slightly more...but the reason I went for Chelsea was for one thing she had talked numerous times that most of her clients were in their 30s and 40s and had "disordered eating" which I felt into this category. She also has done several "diet series" where she herself has dieted...(a cut basically to just lean out a lil) and she showed a lot of videos of "what i eat in a day" and i liked that a LOT of her food was simply unprocessed foods where she was aiming to get in the micronutrients...but also that she lives...and isnt perfect 100% of the time. Here is a video which includes 3 people off 3 off the channels i follow. Going left to right on the screen there is John "Obese 2 Beast" who lost like 170 pounds and has appeared on Ellen for his weight loss, Brian "Brian Turner" who has had a you tube channel for years and does lifting and competes and a wealth of info, and then Chelsea "ChelseaLifts". They are talking in this video about dieting with too little calories ... they posted this video this morning and so thought i would share so people can see who my coach is.

The link is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08EFD6A9M1g

Thats how I came to look into Chelsea as a coach...the extras that add to it....is she is a qualified personal trainer, a competitive power lifter, owns her own gym and minored in nutrition.

I can guarantee this was not a rushed decision ;)

BTW This video has some really good info!

Saturday April 2

Today (apart from working) has gone great :) My food was good...mostly unprocessed.....my macros for end of the day was...202 grams of carbs, 55 grams of fat and 147 grams of protein which came to a total of 1939 calories. I doubt Chelsea will leave my macros this high for more then 2 weeks...but while im getting this much food i am gonna enjoy it! ;) I also got in one of my required cardio sessions today and walked for 25 minutes during my lunch hour.

Yesterday morning when i got back on track as i mentioned yesterday i was 280.8 pounds...this morning i had a big water weight drop....back down to 276.2 pounds....so a 2.6 pound drop which is over 1 kilo (but I always lose 3-5 kilos the first 5 or so days I get back on track)

I have a free trial for the gym I am planning to join....so I am going to go down monday morning and get the trial organised and then will do a few workouts over the next few days...if all goes well I will sign up thursday night.

Anyway not much else going on....about to finish watchin you tube and then check out some netflix...enjoy all! :)

The NEW and FINAL plan....and a lil/long explaination of things....

Okay this is gonna be kinda...the hercules of posts LOL I actually considered just not postin and getting on with things but for being transparent with all weight loss things...so wanted to share ;)

So let me start off by explaining a few things im sure i have never mentioned on the journal. The first is i dont drive...nope....dont have my licence and so i rely solely on public transport (which is fine!)

Now the next thing i want to explain where my house, work and the gym are in relation to each other. So my gym is in the centre of adelaide (in fact in rundle mall) my home is about 5-10 minutes out of the city....and then work is about a further 10-15 minute drive. SO. On any given work day where i am attending the gym...my day is like this....i catch a bus to work in the morning....after work i catch a bus from work go past my house and in to the city.....attend the gym....and then from there go from the gym to home. Now to give u a example...say i finish work at 4pm. The first bus after 4pm is at 4.20pm....i then jump on the bus and dependent on traffic it will take me 25-35 minutes to get into the city....(so it is no approximately 4.45-4.50-pm) i then walk down to the gym which takes about 7 minutes....so after having finished work at 4pm its taken me approx 57 minutes to get to the gym. Say i then work out for a hour (if its a night i have PT at 6pm or 6.30pm it is a lot worse....but lets do the best case scenario as a example)...once I get to the gym...collect my locker key....get changed....put BCAAs in my water bottle....fill up my water bottle...grab a cold towel....it is now at least 5.10pm. Okay kewl....lets work out for a hour....I finish my work out at approx 6.10pm. I leave the gym and head for the bus stop where I hopefully make it in time for the 6.25pm bus (presuming its not running late)....I will then walk in my door at approx 6.40pm. So from finishing work doing a one hour gym session and then getting home....2 hours and 40 minutes have passed...all to do a one hour session! Honest to gawd im so SICK of the travelling.

Now if we change this story a lil....I finish at 4pm and get on the bus at 4.20pm as above....but this time instead of going into the city...I stay on the bus for 10 minutes and get off at the top of my street...at approx 4.30pm...i then walk 5 minutes to a local gym...where I get changed and are ready to work out by 4.50pm......i workout for a hour....finish the work out at 5.50pm....then walk the 10 minutes to my house - walking in the door at 6pm....saving me 40 minutes!

Now this is a real simplistic explaination....some nights i dont have PT until 6pm or 6.30pm and its even longer nights then.

The other issue I have had is the cost. Slowly over time as I have done more and more PT sessions....and then challenges....the cost has gone up and up. Currently I am doing the 12 week challenge, and a group food coaching session, and 3 PT sessions a week plus my basic membership....that costs me $318 a fortnight (so $636 a month) then add to that $74.90 for weight watchers.....I am spending over $700 a month...to lose weight! Here is a secret people....if you want to lose weight....you will...whether you have 50 million PT sessions or not.

SO this has all been on my mind for a while. PLUS i just realised....I dont "believe" in the weight watchers program....so i honestly couldnt committ to it fully. So I made some changes. The first is I have cancelled my gym membership and wont be renewing my weight watchers membership. Now i do need some accountability and direction....so I have hired a online coach which costs me approx $170 a month. On top of that she has me use a weight training app....which costs approx $30 a month....and then on top of that I will be joining Jetts....there membership is $51.90 a month. So all totalled I will be paying approx $251.90 per month. One third of the price i was paying! Plus i will be spending less time travelling....I can spend more money on things like clothes...and hair appointments...and going out etc.

Sometimes you make a decision....and you feel its the right decision but you are not 100% sure...I feel completely positive this is the right decision and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

SO i started with the online coach today :) Now she is located in the US and so for that reason works in pounds...and so to avoid confusion I will now be working in pounds too (which is SO weird!) So i weighed in this morning at 280.8 pounds. The calories I will be on.....which are based on macros....so 200 grams carbs, 150 grams protein and 50 grams of fat works out to approx 1900-1950 calories. Cardio wise I need to do 2 x 25 moderate intensity cardio sessions per week and 2 x 20 HIIT sessions per week. So my plans is tomorrow to walk in my lunch hour.....I think for the HIIT sessions which i will try to do one on sunday I will do a search in you tube and do one from there.

Thursday I will go join the new gym. I have a 7 day pass which i will start to use from that point.

Food wise...day one is nearly done...I still have some macros left so shortly i will have a eggwhite and ricotta pancake with some frozen raspberries and maple syrup (one of my favourite things to eat!) but I have hit all my macros....Ive cooked up mince with taco seasoning and vegies for lunch tomorrow which i will have with a tub of the chobani salsa dip...so yum!)

It is time!

Yep...yep...its time.....time to commit to weight watchers 110%. Its not that I havent been following the point system (disregard easter and i have been) but I havent been invested in it. There has been a lot of inner dialogue going on in my head pointing out the things i dont love about weight watchers...and how im "doing weight watchers for the moment" Weight watchers works.....and i need to invest completely in it for getting to goal. Its time to invest some of my time reading the weight watchers magazine (not just letting them gather dust), watch weight watcher you tube videos, following ww fb pages and getting into the connect on the app.

So after easter my scales were actually up 2.4 kilos! But today is day 1 of my week for me....and my goal is to not using any weekly points this week. Of course most of that weight gain is fluid....so hopefully my next monday i will have lost it and more.

Back to the gym tomorrow...i definitely missed it. So im keen to get back into it. Im on later shifts this week so wont be getting to the gym till 6pm ish .... wont be able to go to a lot of the classes...but will be able to go 4 days this week. Tuesday and thursday I have PT....wednesday night I am planning to do yoga...and ill do a workout friday night dependant on what else i do during the week (its a short week)

Not much else going on....time to settle down with my weight watchers magazine :)

Update :)

Its been a few days since I posted...oops! But firstly happy easter :)

The week didnt go as good as expected. Monday I did a chest work out and a small amount of hill inclines on the treadmill. Tuesday i went back to work....and tuesday night i did a 45 minute RPM class then a PT session of legs. Wednesday night i went and did grocery shopping and ate too many grains/carbs! UGH. Then thursday morning i woke...and the spot where your gall bladder is...it felt swollen....like not enough room for the organ. Was so painful. But i went to work...and lasted half the day before going to the doctors. He pulled out my ultrasound results from over a year ago and said you need your gall bladder out! So next time i have the pain i need to go to the ER with a copy of my ultrasound results, he said that will ensure i get the surgery the quickest in the public health service.

Following that I didnt go to the gym thursday night and i was suppose to work today but doc said no to that..so im resting and taking it easy. I feel better...still some tightness in the area but not sore like it was. My scales also jumped up over 2 days by nearly two kilos! Eek! Hopefully it will settle down pretty quickly.

I have noticed over the last few days that when i eat carbs(grains)...i definitely crave more...so i am really trying to be careful about them. Whilst i am doing ww i am also tracking in MFP...my carbs are sitting between 100-150 grams a day which is a nice amount...but most of that comes from fruit n vegies. For example today only 44 grams comes from grains. So still getting grains in but keeping it on the lowish end so as to control my carb cravings.

I am noticing too....a few days from the gym and i am actually missing it! Crazy! Who would have ever thought it.

Not much else to say....off to watch some youtube and to relax :)

Post number 2!

So....yes post number 2. I have been doing good right? I have....but....theres been one little problem. Where should i sit my calories. I have been all over the place with this and not consistent or with a plan. My trainer and food coach both felt i could eat up to about 1800 calories...so i have eaten everything in between LOL but not systematically (altho the last few days i did calorie cycle), this is one difference between calories and weight watchers...there is a very distinctive guide. You are on this many daily points and this many weeklies. Well over the weekend....i found a website. Now back tracking....calorie cycling i based off the "wendie plan" which someone in weight watchers years ago came up with....well i came across a lil calculator for cycling your points. Here is the link.... Wendie Plan on Smart Points , You simply put in your daily and weekly points....select which day you want as your high day (i selected saturday) and then it gives it to you....which i have then put in to a note on my phone. I also used the option : based on the weight watchers board. As well as that...there is something weight watchers has over other programs...and thats the community...whether on instagram....or you tube or fb it has a BIG supportive community which i feel i need.

This in no way changes the foxy challenge....simply instead of calories ill track points. I know some parts of ww isnt perfect....but some parts of calorie counting arent either. I was doing well with ww...and ive also done well since...i just feel ww is something i should stick with at least for the moment. I do like the structure long term of the meetings...their products (not the food but things like their scales, recipe books, magazines etc)

I know it seems i change my mind a lot (womens perogative!) the difference is in the past i was looking for the "miracle cure" .... i was continually looking for week 1 results....this isnt about that.....its about testing a few things....and going back to ww because it gives me the structure that at this point of my journey i feel i need :) I suspect when I weigh in tomorrow i will be quite close to getting my first 5% as well :)

12 Week Challenge | Week 2 Day 7

So tomorrow is weigh in day...having had such a high loss last week (2.8 kilos) unless something miraculous happens LOL...im not expecting a big loss in the morning. But its fine. I was stressing a bit about it earlier in the week...but goodness...i lost 2.8 kilos last week....its not about who can lose the most in a week...so in my mind i am kinda expecting about 300 grams...and i will take it and own it :)

The reason I am not stressing....is there is no reason on earth for me to feel bad. I have eaten well. I have exercised pretty intensely 4 times last week. I am doing all the right things...and if I consistently keep doing the right things...then the progress will happen.

Tomorrow is the last day before I head back to work :( Ive become quite accustomed to this non working life LOL and I do actually think its much easier when you are at home with time to make all your own meals. At work we have a cafeteria on the floor i am on....in the mornings all i can smell is bacon! LOL And i am a fan of their bacon and egg sandwich....definitely easier at home :)

But i just have to stay with what i am doing and be a lil prepared. Shortly i am about to go boil up half a dozen eggs so i have them for my snacks.

Of course easter is at the end of the week. I am working good friday and easter saturday (lucky me eh?)...usually work would on good friday have hot cross buns for us....if they do i will have one (or maybe half) and fit it into my calories. As for eggs....work often gives us something...im kinda hoping they dont and then ill just buy a small egg...lol...ill wait and see... but i will have something (i mean...come on....its chocolate!) but will fit it into calories....ill prolly eat whatever on saturday....as since i am back to calorie cycling....saturdays is currently 2000 calories so fitting chocolate in that day would be best (and not sunday when only 1400 LOL)

Okay not much else to say....will be back with weigh in results tomorrow sometime! :)

The Future

Something funny happens when you start losing weight, doing good and you become proud of yourself - you stop thinking just in the moment. You start thinking about your future, your goals, what you want for yourself, and I am so happy that part of me has been ignited again. :)

When I lost the weight before I had some goals...I really wanted to eventually build a website that housed not just my journal (and well now other social media) but also allowed me to build on it. I still have that desire, I still have that goal to do online nutritional coaching (at a affordable rate, when the time is right for me, and specifically for women 130+ kilos) I feel by the time I have got to goal this time I will have the mindset and understanding to do this. Online coaching is a big thing these days but in my opinion its not very affordable and yanno...just cos someone lost 10 kilos I personally dont think that qualifies them, even if they do have some credentials. Having by that stage lost 90-100 kilos, having struggled as I have, having the good nutritional knowledge (which i certainly do), the understanding that its not a case of "just eat less and move more", the biggest part is the mindset, and a big part of that is getting accountability and support....which is how i would like to fit in to peoples journeys.

I have always had other thoughts as part of this....and i think the online coaching would come second to some other things. One of the first things I want to do when I get to goal is have a professional fitness photo shoot....so I could actually well one have some photos i love but also so i have professional images for social media, the website etc. My plan would then be to start small....firstly get the website the way i want it and then maybe look at writing some ebooks on nutrition, my journey etc, and i would also then ultimately like to travel with this...say i had a few online clients in sydney....i go to sydney for a week or so..and then run some face to face sessions with people if they wanted them....maybe it would be going on a walk with some people showing enjoyable ways outside of the gym to be active....or even just with one person alone....maybe meet up for a meal again as a group or one on one...to help either discuss the issues, tips for eating out, it not only allows for one of my goals of travelling....it not only gives people a chance to meet me and do a face to face session (which may help increase trust and therefor accountability) but a way for people to meet others in the area who are going thru what they are going thru without a long term committment of leaving their home (which when you are bigger can be a consideration)

For those who dont know....i would definitely say im a nutrition nerd LOL. I was in a group food coaching session the other day and the person running it was talking about protein bars/powders and she said to the group....Karyn is the one you want to talk about this stuff....and then i started prattling off the macros of quest bars....and one girl had a stunned look on her face lol was kinda funny. But I do enjoy talking nutrition...I enjoy reading about it...so while a lot of people who lose weight want to become a bikini model or maybe a personal trainer....for me its always been nutrition. Ever since I realised this was what I wanted to do 7 or 8 years ago....ive always felt this is something that i am just meant to do. As sappy as it sounds...you know they say...find what you love and do that? As much as it has been dormant for the last few years...this is what I want...to focus solely on my own personal goal...and then help others achieve theirs :)

As to today LOL. Things are good. Below is a pic from today...119.6 kilos. 6.5 weeks back on track and 8.9 kilos down :) I can certainly see the waist coming in and i feel "tighter" .... so happy with where everything currently is and is going! :)

Week 2 Day 4 | Progress beyond the scales

Today was a big gym day! I did a 30 minute cycle class....i then had a 30 minute break where I finished my BCAAs,,,had a banana then i did a 5 minute warm up...high incline slow speed on the treadmill...stretched out my calves (this has been helping my achilles soooooooooooooo much!) then did a PT session for a hour...which was back, biceps and core. One of the good things today was in my previous program i had Pallof Presses using the cable machine...i HATED them. OMG they were seriously so hard, and while they look pretty simply they exhausted me beyond belief. Well did them today...and i did one set and my trainer was like how was that...and i was like...they were actually tolerable today! LOL She ended up putting the weight up a few times (altho im not sure if it was higher then previously or not) just from that one exercise i could tell i am getting stronger.

Ive also noticed this week my step ups are easier....and my trainer thinks my core muscles are improving in strength too. Im also noticing i am coping much better with my sessions. Like a cycle class and THEN a double PT? And i didnt even feel like dying afterwards haha! Amazing what dedicating urself to the gym and in a few short weeks...improvements ;)

Tomorrow morning i am going to do our weekly workout for the challenge which is a lil cycle circuit thing and then doing a 30 minute PT session of boxing. Saturday morning I will do body pump. I go back to work on tuesday...and so will be working tuesday to saturday...so my exercise will look like this:

monday: PT chest (AM)
               30 minute boxing and 60 minute body balance (PM)
tuesday: RPM + PT legs
wednesday: Treadmill (incline work) and yoga
thursday: Double PT (back/bicep + core)
friday: weekly workout
saturday: rest day
sunday: 6km walk

Food wise things have been going good, but have decided mentally I am ready to start calorie cycling. Its always worked a treat for my body so back to it starting today...hopefully that will keep my metabolism chugging along.

Today i did have a bit of a desire for a yiros (I have only eaten foods prepared at home for the whole challenge so far) but i resisted.....not to say i wont have one (maybe saturday night) but i want it to be planned....not a spur of a moment thing.

Okies off i go....enjoy all :)

12 Week Challenge | Week 2 Day 3 | Progress

Yanno....as much as I whinge and complain at the gym (and trust me i do!) I am definitely feeling better and better. Last night i did a RPM class then a PT session. It is over a year since I did RPM. I sweated....I mean people I had sweat making its way up my nose somehow lol...I also did about 20 minutes slow walking but on a high incline (8%) on the treadmill and then did a PT session which was chest and triceps. The incline of 8% just proves how much my achiles have improved...had absolutely no pain....not that long ago 3% killed :) Then this morning I went in, I needed to do a short fitness test so did that, then again went on the treadmill with the 8% incline and then did a PT session of legs. I will go back later tonight for a group food coaching session,

This morning after 5 days of pretty much maintaining the scales dropped again :) So while not my official weigh in day...did hit 9 kilos lost since feb 4...honestly im not sure if ive ever lost that much in such a short period of time and while doing a lot of weight work....I am trying to increase the cardio but not doing heaps of cardio. So I slid out of the 120's and down to 119.5 kilos :) I am aiming to lose a kilo per week (a big ask i now)...so i need to be 119.3 kilos or lower by monday to do that this week...so definitely on track for that.

Foodwise I am really enjoying the food on the 12 week challenge. I have found a breakfast i LOVE (4 egg whites and 50 grams of ricotta cheese cooked like a pancake which i serve with some berries and some maple syrup nom nom nom) and i just had a mediteranean pasta dish for lunch...and tonight its a salad with smoked turkey, dried cranberries and salad-y items. And the other great thing is i am noticing it with my clothes. I am now in 2 of my size 16 running bare tops, And I am down into size 20 jeans....which is still a very large size but im making progress. It seems crazy to think by the end of this challenge i could be within 10 kilos of double digits! If i keep consistent...double digits is definitely attainable this year :) Which means soooooooooooooo many clothes for me to fit into ! LOL

Week 2 Day 1 | Weigh in | Weight Watchers

So today we are a week into the 12 week challenge...and ta-da weighed in and was 2.8 kilos down. So the statistics on it is...2.8 kilos lost since start of the 12WC, 8.4 kilos lost since I got back on track on feb 4, and a total weight loss altogether of 52.8 kilos. So on my scales at home this morning I was 120.3 kilo and the goal by the end of the challenge (11 weeks to go) is to get under 110 kilos.

So I am pretty happy with the result. Since i had been on track for a few weeks before the challenge started and had been losing I really hadnt expected such a high loss in the first week. :) This week looking at the menu looks like its basically carb cycling...Ive never specifically done that so will be interesting to see how I go. On the "low carb" days...they arent low so much (about 80-100 grams of carbs) but no grains, BUT tomorrow its pasta for one of the meals! YUM! Tonights dinner will be interesting...its zucchini and pea soup....and anyone who knows about me and peas (they pop in ur mouth yanno) if i manage to get some peas in me will be a minor miracle LOL....i think cos they will be blended i hopefully will cope fine.

Today as it is a public holiday the gym isnt open, tomorrow tho I will be doing RPM (gawd help me!) before my PT session.

So.............. the topic of weight watchers LOL Im going to firstly say I really dont want to see any negative comments about weight watchers...no program is perfect and I have friends doing really well on weight watchers so for some people it works. As everyone knows i went back to weight watchers a few weeks ago...it was good for me. What weight watchers has got going for it is the accountability of weighing in and the group support, but for me personally...it doesnt work. I want to have healthy fats in my diet, and I have a lot of nutritional knowledge and some things about it I cannot quite balance out in my head. And also the weekly points...i HATE them...its what i dislike most in their program. But that is me, if you are doing ww and its working - more power to you but for me the program doesnt. That said if i feel i need the accountability/support i will go back....but right now I dont feel I need it. I feel the best I have mentally about my weight loss for a long time. I dont have any doubts I will meet my goal for this 12 week challenge and its possible I may even exceed it (altho i think the most i can get down to is 105 kilos...but my gawd...imagine if in 11 weeks i was that close to double digits????)

A reminder if you do use instagram.... that is actually where i am active mostly these days... www.instagram.com/kazzsjourney OH and i have a lil phone tripod on order...hopefully be waitin for me when i get back to work next week. It will be great for taking progress pics (especially of my rear view) and it will also allow me to do vlogs without worrying about where to put the phone etc.

Ok...off i go...have a good week all :)