Weigh in results

Good news I weighed in and lost 3 kilos :) So as of this morning 102 kilos....total loss is now sitting at 71.1 kilos :) More then happy with that!

Last night went to PT. We were doing weight work were she really had my heart rate up.35 kilos and 45 kilos on the bar with squats...followed by kettle bell swings then bang straight on to the assisted pull up machine. All was going good till about the 4th rep on the pull up machine when i started to not feel well. I explained to her that getting nauseas/dizzy is not overly a uncommon thing for me but the first time in a session with Tamika. So coincidently as I am telling her about my low iron and how I use to get dizzy in the early days of training with fiona...fiona suddenly appears lol (she was visiting someone at the gym) lol...timing was quite funny. Anyway after fiona left tamika talked to me a bit about eating red meat...she was like do you not like the taste of it? I was like...erm yeh no its not that...I just dont love the taste...and I am a lazy eater lol....which led to the comment "isnt it worth the effort of eating it if it gets you closer to goal" ... yep she got me there! LOL So on the meal plan tonight is porterhouse steak! With egg and grilled tomato...I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to eat red meat at dinner at least every second night.

Not much else going on...off to do RPM tonight and then my first slim session for 2014 :)

Life...

I was thinking last night that people probably are thinking woah at some of my posts. I know a lot of people saw me previously as some invincible weight loss machine...the truth of the matter is...even if I get to goal I will battle this for the rest of my life. The person who decides to lose weight gets to goal and never struggles is a very rare person (and incredibly strong and all kudos to them!) but the reality as I discoverred is not me. And there has to be reasoning behind this...so there might be lots of posts where I am not the in control person some think I am...it doesnt diminish my knowledge or who I am...it just is....and I just felt it needs to be addressed...if you dont want to see posts like that...or its a trigger or anything like that I would suggest not read my posts (not that anyone has said this but every time I post lately I have been wondering about this)

Watched aussie biggest loser last night...looks like its going to be a really good season. It struck me how numerous them feel they need to lose weight to put themselves out there and that life is passing them by (sound familiar???). With one of them shannon said....what do you do in your spare time - she replied "sitting things - knitting, crochet, scrapbooking" and shannons response was "we need to get you out more". So true - I am exactly the same. 70 kilos lighter and still the same.

My days consist of getting up - going to work - going home and being a sloth in front of the tv. Unless its a gym night - then i go to the gym for a hour or so then come home and be a sloth. Weekends....as a example last weekend...i got up at 9am...went into the city...bought some dvds and a couple of tops...got my eyebrows waxed walked straight past the gym (didnt go in) i then went home and watched my dvds....the rest of saturday and sunday. Only varying on that on sunday to throw a couple of loads in the washing machine and to go to the shops quickly to buy food for sunday nights dinner.

Ive discussed this before. And im still here...still not doing things cos I dont have someone to do them with. Things I enjoy like going to musicals...going to see live performances. I always go I am not going cos I have no one to go to them with....admittedly they would be more fun if I had someone to go to them with...but I can still enjoy them by myself. So thats one thing I need to start to look at to break the monotonous that is my life ;) So Rocky Horror Picture Show is on in march, in august there is grease...and i think its june there is a ballet performance of cinderella. I am going to start to book some tickets. I also want to start to just get out and see movies I want to see...last time I went to the movies was several years ago I think (cannot even remember when it was). I need to just make me do more things.

Food wise things are going good :) I have been spot on with it in fact! So impressed with me. The thing letting me down is the gym. And this kinda relates back to what I have already mentioned above. I plan to go to the gym I have every intention of going right up till the point i leave work then suddenly I am like I dont want to go. I think partly its cos I dont do the classes I really enjoy. My trainer is big on muscle recovery. I really enjoy pump...but the only time I can make is saturdays but as thats the day after my PT session my trainer prefers I dont do it on saturdays...she prefers I just do body balance instead. It does seem like a waste to travel all the way in the city for a one hour class (cos im like so busy at home lol)...the classes I use to enjoy was combat and boxing. Now partly this relates back to breaking my wrist in combat last year. Imagine it...in a full class and you land flat on your ass....it was demoralising as well as bloody painful. For some reason when i "side shuffle" or "shuffle backwards and forwards" my feet get caught up and trip...it happened about 4 times before I had the fall where I broke the wrist. I did a combat class about a month ago and nearly tripped over my feet again...which freaked me out...I know I can "walk" the side steps but I feel then I am not going to be moving fast enough especially when its busy. So it kinda terrifies me...altho as I typed that I thought...I do have both the gyms combat instructors on my FB maybe I should message them and see if theres a alternative I can do they can recommend (thinking it would just be walking instead) so with that fear of breaking my bones lol any class where I have to move a lot I am kinda terrified of (ie body attack, shabam, combat, boxing etc) I also just feel my age is catching up to me lol...80% of the gym members are prolly 20-somethings...tiny...fit...etc etc...there i am 100 kilos....46 years of age...and not very confident .... i really struggle with certain movements then throw the "im worried i am going to fall over thing" then there is also a bit of a lazyness....its hard to get back into the exercise habit when I have been out of it for so long.

Anyway...this was a huge post...and i prolly rambled way too much....hah....off to PT shortly...and then back with weigh in results tomorrow!

New week :)

Things are going very well and still feel really motivated....in fact more at peace then I have in ages. Im currently aiming for up to 1750 calories. I will do a official weigh in on wednesday....and that night I will return to slim sessions. As of this morning my loss for the week so far is 2.8 kilos (cannot complain about that eh?) on wednesday night when i have my slim session I am going to tell the coach I want to weigh in with them but do my own thing. I really dont respond to eating what people tell me well ;) Also starting wednesday I will commence calorie cycling as stagnant calories everyday doesnt work overly well for me. So the break up of my cals will look like :

monday : 1900
tuesday : 1500
wednesday : 1500
thursday : 1600
friday : 1800
saturday : 2100
sunday : 1850

Lunchtime today had my sandwich then headed out for a short 15 minute walk...its like someone else has overtaken my body ;) Tonight I am off to the gym...30 minute boxing class followed by 20 minutes or so of running intervals and then a 60 minute body balance class. Body balance wont lead to a big calorie burn but hopefully will have burnt 500 calories by the time body balance starts.

Not much else going on ;)

Sunday :)

Good day today....cals came in at 1490 calories which I am very happy with :)

Didn't do a heck of a lot today .... Washing and I've been watching season 2 of breaking bad.

Watched the Aussie biggest loser tonight....normally don't like the Aussie one but it was pretty good tonight so maybe there is hope for this series lol. Off to the gym tomorrow night....going to do a 30 minute boxing class and probably a 60 minute body balance class...(all depends on timing) 

Have a good week all 

Wanted : some self belief amongst other things

I have been reading a book (which i am half way thru) called transformation road by Sean Anderson - he weighed 505 pounds got down to 230 pounds and similarly to me is now struggling. But it was interesting reading his book, reminded me how much i need to keep blogging.

My personality can be a bit of a 'hermit' or as I was once told - I am very insular lol when I started struggling last year ... Someone commented on my blog...why don't u just do it? My size 12 jeans are the only motivation I need....most who have ever battled their weight know it's more then just eat less and i took quite often to the post....then I declared I wasn't posting anymore I needed to hermit awayfom people and be with myself more in a attempt I guess to not have peoples opinions affect my mood and how I choose to cope with things. Nothingbad about that person....that comment is all about how. I CHOOSE to deal with things...I should have been stronger and if it was so bad to me deleted it and moved I but I didn't and as you can see it is still there in the back of my mind.

So while about a year ago I made the decision to hide (and coincidently have gained since) it's time to step out of that and put myself out there in many ways. And it's not just the blog....I was in a private group of weight watchers - people know in real - again I took offence to what one person said..blocked the person and deleted myself for the group - seeing a common theme? Yep I am the queen of running away....I don't like what someone says I delete them and turn my back....even if what is being said was want with good intentions (who knows I am not in there brain) but I run and it's a really bad habit of mine.

Last night in PT tamika had me do a wall squat sit....I'm doing it....and she says you look very comfortable I am like "oh yeah I find this easy" she turns around and says so go lower in your squat then...I do for about 1 second lol and then say "I don't like that it's too hard" lol she then says and this is a bit of a lightbulb moment even tho it's nothing I didn't know....but she says....we need to work on your range of movement...whether it's squats, lunges, push-ups or whatever you go to a certain point and just stop. And it's true...I could even expand on that....I figured out howto run at. A very slow pace - I can do it comfortably and can breath easily and am able to hold a conversation...but running a lol harder or faster - not interested. Tamika said last night you need to stop seeing yourself as the person you were at 170 kilos. And it's true...even tho I've gained 25 kilos I am still healthy and fit.i can still excise...except I still think of myself as 170 kilos I think I'm going to break still...whether it's myself...or something I'm holding on to ....sitting on....or leaning against.

When I was 25 kilos lighter I felt like I had endless possibilities....I was getting opportunities (that's life magazine, Lorna Jane book etc)....should I study nutrition or PT.....should I think about doing online weight loss coaching.....those opportunities still al exist for me....quite a while ago one the person from that's life magazine who did the story on me said get in touch with us when you get to goal do we can look at doing another story.....you would think that would motivate me no end? It should...me in a nice outfit....getting the chance to be in their magazine again....but it's like I believe it will never happen....I've thought about it occasionally but not too often or seriously. Sending a message to that's life should be mitigation, being able yo wear the size 10 dress in my cupboard should have motivated me...knowing (from experience) how much happier my life was. So apart from the fact I need to get the weight loss going I really need to work on my range of movement...I need more self belief....more positive talk so I will believe in myself more...stop letting myself get scared of the gym...and stop worry I may not less weight and instead just lose weight.

Food addiction

I put the title of this post as food addiction but it probably should be JUNK food addiction. I clearly have a addiction to food and specifically junk food and I have said this all the way thru my journey, but its obviously gotten worse over the last 6 months or so.

Whilst I got back on track on January 1 i have been far from perfect. Some days my eating has been perfect...some days it couldnt be worse if I tried. So january 1 i was 105.6 kilos and today 105 kilos. So very minimal progress. Anyway I was on the treadmill last night and I was thinking if I could string a month together of no crap food then I would be right I think. It reminded me how early in my journey I read the book "the end of overeating" by David Kessler and how it really shifted my mind in how I saw junk food....so I have pulled that book out and have commenced reading it. I think also I need to set a challenge as well with some specific limits of what is OFF LIMITS...which I will detail below. If I stick to it for 28 days I will take $150 out of the bank account to spend on some new tops from Lorna Jane ;)

So the list:
No KFC, mcdonalds, delivered pizza, hungry jacks etc etc
No buying hot chips or potato crisps from any retailer or restuarant
A maximum of 35 grams of chocolate purchased on any day (no family blocks - eep!)
No bakery goods (ie no pies, sausage rolls, cakes etc etc)
No hot dogs
At the chicken shop I can buy a yiros or a plain hamburger or 1/4 BBQ chicken and salad - nothing else

I am planning to try and conquer the cravings by making home made options of whatever it is I want. So if i crave a chicken burger I will make one at home with chicken breast etc. Like I read once if you eat more healthy nurtitious food you cram out the not good foods :) My aim is still to eat 1800 cals. I have my first slim session for the week next wednesday (I delayed it due to the heat) and what I am planning to tell her...is I want to eat 1800 cals a day...my primary goal is just cutting out the junk food....Im not so concerned about the weight loss over this time....just need to get a month or so under my belt of none of the above mentioned foods. I need to treat this just like a drug addict would with their drug of choice...my drug of choice is food....first few weeks might be hard but it will get better :)

Good food day :)

Foodwise the weekend went pretty well :) Ate 1452 cals yesterday and the goal was to be under 1500 cals so all good there. Today is a 1200 calorie day.

The weather here is friggin awful at the moment. Between now and friday it will be between 40 and 43 degrees (celsius) each day. UGH. I definitely wont be gymming it every day as its simply too hot. Tonight i wont go to the gym but hopefully after dinner it will be cool enough to go for a walk. Tomorrow and friday night i have PT so will go both of those days, and wednesday night i am weighing in so will do a cycle class when i go that day. By saturday its suppose to be down to 28 degrees (thankfully)

I found some good unprocessed recipes on the weekend so next weekend will do some baking so i have some snack foods apart from yoghurt! hah!

I have decided to back off from the running...its too hot plus I keep getting niggling injuries. (some hip pain, tight calve and occassionally some achilles pain) so instead it will be at the gym for me. I might occassionally do some intervals on the treadmill but thats it (and even that I will leave for the moment)

Not much else going on...stay cool everyone ;)

I'm back!

Well I know some people have asked where I am ;) I've been slack with my journal...specially as I don't have a laptop since mine was swollen. I am expecting to get a bonus from work in the next month or so and when I do my plan is to get a new lap top (thank god) i have a iPad but it's a lil hard to write LOTS with the keypad. BUT I think I need the daily writing in my journal.

For those who are unaware January 1 I weighed in at 105.6 kilos :( but I'm getting back in the swing of things. I will be doing a official weigh in on February 1 (I am doing daily weigh ins to keep an eye on things) my aim is to lose 2.5 kilos a month.

I have been back running (although currently have a very sore foot) I have signed up for a second PT session per week with tamika...we are doing weights in those sessions - I am really enjoying those so that is good.....I am doing them Tuesday and Friday nights. She is quite big on muscle recovery so she really does te want me doing things like pump the day after PT. This week I really wanna be at the gym more.....the aim is 5 days a week, so I'm thinking this week will be :

Monday - boxing & body balance
Tuesday - 20 mins cardio & 30 mins PT weights
Wednesday - 45 mins Rpm
Thursday - rest day
Friday - PT Session of weights
Saturday - 60 mins running & body balance
Sunday - 6km walk

I'm certainly not doing the insane amounts of exercise I was doing a few years ago but maybe in time it will build up more.....I still think what I am doing is a okay level.

Food wise I'm eating 1800 cals a day and calorie cycling (we all know I love calorie cycling!) I would love to be under 102 kilos by February 1 I did take photos on January 1 I will do some progress ones on feb 1.

I will be back to update tomorrow!

We'll as frustrating as this is - I am going to attempt to do a post on my iPad. Not having a proper keyboard drives me a lil nuts.

We'll no denying in relation to weight loss, taking care of myself etc etc for 2013 has sucked. I really haven't put in a good effort. From my very lost I have gained about 23 kilos - eek! No one to blame but myself. But I'm tired of how I feel...I wanna be happy again and feel good about myself....and that happened when I was taking care of me.

I started with a new trainer in early October at fernwood. I've den about 7 sessions with her so....mostly weight work...so far so good. I've told her my goal is to focus on my upper body http://webmail.optus.comody, and get some definition back (my upper body it thought looked good at 80 kilos) and to focus on being able to do low pushups! I've not being able to ever do them properly so that is a big goal.

I really want to get into my running in 2014. This is a list of runs I want to do next year:

Neon run -April 5

Run Adelaide - April 13

Mother's Day classic - May 11

The city parklands loop - July 6

Adelaide marathon - august 24

City to bay -September 21

The colour run

Electric run

I am planning to start the new year off with a 7.5km run on jan 1. And that will be the day I get back to my calorie counting/cycling. I'm hoping my workouts this year will look like this:

Monday - 30 mins boxing & 20 mins intervals & 60 mins body balance

Tuesday - 45 mins slow steady running on treadmill & 30 mins PT (weights)

Wednesday - 45 mins RPM

Thursday - 30 mins running & weights workout

Friday - rest day (this may become a run day)

Saturday - long run (currently 7.5 km but will be increasing this gradually) & 60 mins body pump

Sunday - rest day

I feel good I feel ready to conquer the new year....of course before that I have Xmas and my bday to get thru! Next year I plan on doing weekly vlogs.....bring on 2014 :)

Update :)

Lo and behold a update! lol so much happening lately feels like there is a lot to say! After being disastrously off track (hello 102.2 kilos - eek!) I finally got my act together last saturday. I am back under 100 kilos (phew). When I realised it was time to knuckle down and i had the weekend with nothing planned i decided to do a mini detox and avoid all contact with the outside world LOL so basically stayed in my lil house watching tv shows i loved :) I was still eating around 2000 calories but it was much better choices and much lower in sodium which is why the scales have gone down.

This week i then went and saw my food coach (I am only seeing her every few weeks at the moment and not weighing...just having a chat). Anyway her recommendation was to treat this next few weeks as a detox. Work on getting my water in (I am working on it lol!) and she also recommended i drink a fruit/vegie drink each day. The one that she recommended was a handful spinach, 1 celery stick, one orange, juice of one lemon and water. I had it this morning..it was VERY green lol...but tasted okay...i think tomorrow i will add a lil ginger to it and blend it a bit more. It was kinda cool to think by 7.15am i had eaten some spinach, celery and a orange lol.

I have my calories set "loosely" to 1400. While a lot (especially on MFP) recommend 1800 calories....every time i eat that much i feel guilty...it just seems too much....1400-1600 feels like where i should sit. So i am trying to sit under 1400 calories but if i am specifically hungry i will eat up to maybe 1600 calories. At this stage I will leave it pretty stable at this...but come January 1 i will go back to calorie cycling.

My trainer (thru the gym) has been focusing more on my goals....which is to be able to do low pushups and also to work on defining my upper body. She told me this week....when i bend my arm up to 90 degrees i am quite strong but any further then that I am not which is why i struggle with my pushups...so im very happy she is focusing on this. I have started getting back into a exercise routine...it looks like this currently:

monday : 30 mins boxing + 60 mins body balance
tuesday : 45 mins cardio + 30 mins PT (weights)
wednesday : 45 mins RPM
thursday : ?????????????
friday : 60 mins body pump
saturday: at least a 6km run (we are building this up and aiming for 7.5kms tomorrow) and 60 mins body pump
sunday : rest day

So as you can see i need to figure out thursday. I think doing something that helps with building up my upper body is the way to go...something very specific for it. None of the classes at the gym on thursday night i wanna do...so need to figure out some lil program for me :) But i am feeling much more in the zone. Running is improving too...didnt run last weekend...but the weekend before i could really feel me getting into a good rhythm with it...there were some bits were we were running on flat ground where i could feel i was running faster then normal. This weekend we are planning to run 7.5km.

Not a lot else going on...will update again when I can :)

A fresh start

No secret I have struggled and struggled for a long time. Ive tried lots of things to get back on track but all those efforts have not gone well :( The honest truth is a i have gained weight. As of this morning i am sitting at 99 kilos - eek! But what goes up must come down right? I have given it a lot of thought and decided on the following:

1. My program....if I do food coaching it will be for weigh ins only
2.1800 cals a day till I stop losing then I'll lower by no more then 100 cals a day at a time
3. Eat predominantly clean but allow for some treats
4. Eat only foods I enjoy
5. Calorie cycling
6. Will be back yo counting calories
7. Weekly blog updates
8. Exercise 3 times a week

First thing i need to cancel food coaching. I know i will feel guilty for doing this but I dont think its overly beneficial to me. Im trying to get things back on track without being overly restrictive or having too high expectations at the gym. When i was this weight before i was eating 1800 cals and cal cycling. I was too tho working out more....so 1800 may be a lil too high....but i dont wanna go crazy yet.

I will weigh in on tuesday mornings...and my goal is too hit under 95 kilos by xmas...im sure I can do that - wish me luck!

Half Marathon?

Well quite a bit has happened this week and I havent updated this blog! lol

Thursday I had a appointment with my GP to ask him for a referral to get excess skin removed from my stomach and boobs thru the public health system. He wrote a awesome referral :) and now I just need to wait for RAH to get in contact with me for a appointment....but this could be months away. Its just the first step but VERY exciting.

I had been thinking lately I need a goal. I do much better when I have a goal to work towards. So I have decided to train for a HALF MARATHON omg!! thats insane!! lol But with a lot of work it is do-able. One of the trainers at my gym won the adelaide marathon so i have got some guidance from her and a 9 week program. So that aim is...to at this stage run 3 times a week and by the end of november to be running 5km comfortably (that is no drama) and by the end of january to run 10km comfortably (that again will be no drama) then at the start of february the runs will increase to 5 times a week and will be split up between interval work...medium pace runs...and slow, long runs. So for now until the end of November my training schedule will be this: monday : 10 mins low intensity cardio + 30 minutes PT ((heavy weights)
tuesday : 5km run
wednesday : 10 mins low intensity cardio + 45 mins PT (heavy weights)
thursday : 5km run
friday : 60 mins body pump
saturday : 6km run and 60 mins body pump
sunday : rest day

When I see my food coach on tuesday I will be showing her all this....and she is going to make some recommendations nutritionally. I suspect I need to eat about 1600 calories...prolly a lil more on saturdays. But will take her recommendations and see how they pan out (I have told her at this stage I dont think there is a need to only eat 1300 calories)

I am hoping these things will help focus me and get me on track again...Ive really been getting nowhere fast...but I know completely I can do this. And the reality is I would love to lose another 10-20 kilos before the surgery (which prolly wont be till early 2015). I also believe the fitter and healthier I am the better I will cope with the surgery when it comes around. Wish me luck!

So after my DEPRESSING post yesterday lol I decided to implement some changes :) Firstly...i have a very bad habit on a sunday of spending the day in my bedroom...watching tv...playing on the computer etc. So first things the computer is now banned from my bedroom. I can use it when in the lounge room watching tv...but i need to get out of my bedroom! I normally go to sleep about 10.30pm...im also thinking i will try to read for 30 mins or so each night before bed (get the brain going) I am also going to make a more concerted effort with pink sofa to meet some people...try to organise catch up for coffees etc. I think I need to put in as much effort to getting a social life as I do to weight loss.

I think I will also start to post back on this journal more regularly...just to kind of have a mental check in :)

Food and exercise wise....food is going okay. Exercise wise this is my plan this week:

monday : walk/run 60 minutes
tuesday : walk/run 60 minutes
wednesday : 30 minutes low intensity cardio + 30 minutes PT session
thursday : rest day
friday : 60 minutes body pump
saturday : 60 minutes running plus 60 minutes body pump
sunday : rest day
So i need to come up with plans to keep myself preoccupied on sunday...maybe ill go to the movies...anything not to just hang around the house.

Not much else going on...sure I will be back over the next few days :)

Big think :)

One day you wake up and say "thats it I am going to lose weight"....in my story...i decided to lose weight and at the time I had several goals....I wanted to meet someone to have a relationship, I wanted to get a rocking body, I wanted to not become confined to my home, and not to have a heart attack. Ive done pretty good. I still have 10-15 kilos to go...but in some ways the fire has gone out.

My first goal was to meet someone and to have a "life". When you have been big for a long time and you shut a lot of people out of your life and you no longer have close friends in your life its hard to get a life back. Im single...in all my adult years I have only had one serious relationship and that lasted for all of 7 months and for most of that time was a long distance relationship so I dont think it counts. Being 45 and not with any real friends who are lesbians its hard to go to places where i MIGHT meet someone. Yes I have some friends who are lesbians...but we are more mates then friends...we dont socialise...they are not big socialisers. I have been a member of pink sofa for years...in a attempt to meet people....that doesnt work so great either. Last time i met someone on there was over 2 years ago...to say that didnt work out is the understatement of the year. My life consists of work...the gym...sleep...watching tv shows....facebook...sleep. Ive lost all this weight and still dont have the life I want. And its hard...im not a group person....my exercise did become a passion of mine...a lot of my interests (cross stitch...reading...movies) got lost somewhere along the line. I rarely go to concerts as I have no one to go to them with (lets face it its more enjoyable to share those things with someone)...I dont even have anyone to say....lets meet up for a walk. And yanno that sucks...its not just that I dont have a partner....its that I dont really have a social network, and at 45 I am kinda stuck how to get one....which of course a lot of the time (think saturday nights, sunday arvos etc) i am bored and ill admit it LONELY And I cannot help and think those dreams i had...for nothing out of the ordinary what lots of people have (in fact most)...people they socialise with and if lucky enough someone they care for and share their time with...i dont have that...and yanno the honest truth....the thing i have had the best relationship with thruout my life has been food...and im sick of it...i dont want food to be my friend....i want it to be fuel and nothing more. I know when i do overeat i dont overeat cos i am "hungry" its a boredom thing....its that small thing in my boring, monotonous life that gives me pleasure...I need to somehow work out how to get a life cos this isnt what i want.

Recently my manager at work said to me "what makes you get out of bed each day?" and yanno my answer? My weight loss. wtf is that about????? It should have been a answer like...to spend time with my friends...to experience new things...to laugh....to challenge myself and feel awesome for doing new things....it shouldnt be...too look at a freaking scale and see if it has moved or not!

The crazy thing is...before anyone says it...i know im not ugly....i know i have a good personality.... a few years ago i did have a couple of friends i saw on a semi regular basis...but one got pissed off cos i cancelled going out for dinner on MY birthday lol and another....well she just didnt seem to want to spend time with me once i lost the weight. And thats fine...they are only 2 people i am not pining after them lol....but just wish i had a social network with like minded people. And even outside of other people i wish i had a passion for something...i remember back when i didcross stitch...its a lazy sedentry hobby but i loved it...i wish i had that passion for something again.

The other thing is fitness. You know you see a lot of people lose weight and they find their "thing" fitness wise. They get into triathlons, or marathons or power lifting or figure modelling...even if i wanted to i couldnt truly get into any of those things. Id never wear a bathing suit with my excess skin or ride a bike (i fear them) so triathlons would be out....im a incredibly slow runner...and while yes with training i could run the distance of a marathon or half marathon there are time limits to do them in....im way to slow too meet any of them....power lifters wear these lil short outfits that show off their thighs...im not exagerating when i say my thighs are awful and the same for figure modeling. I need a goal....more then just weight loss...i need a vision and something to zone in fitness wise....and sure I can still focus on calorie burn...and doing my heavy weights....but i need some goals...short term, medium term, and long term.

Update :)

Well ive been super slack with my journal lately! But weight loss is going awesome :) When I got home from Sydney on 11/9/13 i was 94.3 kilos....this morning i was 90.9 kilos woooooooo hoooooooooo! yes i am awesome!! lol I set the goal to be under 90 kilos by september 30 so its definitely do-able. And my 3 month goal at the moment is to be down to 83 kilos by xmas (fingers crossed) Anyway just a short quick update....altho i have posted a progress pic below :)

Well a bit has happened this week :)

I got back from Sydney tuesday night and was back at work on wednesday morning (no rest for the wicked!) Wednesday night i had PT...we had a trainee observing the session he was quite stunned at how hard my session was! When we were boxing he said..."you have a mean right hook, you could have a side career as a boxer" lol

Friday I woke up and it just occurred to me im sick of not doing group fitness classes and im over not feeling comfortable doing them at Goodlife (the new gym)....so i went and rang my old gym and rejoined! So i am going to have a membership at both :) So monday and wednesday nights i will be at goodlife for PT and the rest of the week I will train at fernwood. I went back today to fernwood for my first session back and it was just like going home! So glad i rejoined. So this week my workouts will look like this:

monday : cardio + 30 mins PT
tuesday : 45 mins RPM + 60 mins Body pump
wednesday : cardio + 45 mins PT
thursday : cardio + 45 mins RPM
friday : 60 mins Body pump
saturday : 20 mins cardio + 60 mins Body pump
sunday : rest day

Foodwise things are going good...I am eating 1600 calories and calorie cycling and focusing more on clean foods...now im not drinking diet coke my thinking is much clearer and easier to stay on track :)

Well I am still in Sydney for a few more hours...I managed to snag a computer with internet access and decided to make the most of it. This has been a great trip. Its been a mixture of relaxation, reflection, fun, and eating some great food ! ;)

I have done all the normal things you do in sydney, took photos, went down to circular quay, went to darling harbour, walked lots, enjoyed the atmosphere. Yesterday was a big day...of relection and thinking. I went out to my dads gravesite, this is at a cementry out of the city...anyone who is on my facebook knows it was a battle to get out there (NSW's bus system sucks!) But I made it there. Dad passed away 31 years ago last friday...and his funeral was 31 years ago today. And I was surprised at how emotional I felt. I can always think of the good things with dad currently so I was suprised how it affected me. I took some flowers...sat at his lil spot, ate a cupcake...talked to him a lil...I couldnt stop touching the headstone. It was hard to see but I feel better. Ive always worried about how the site was cared for and its kept beautifully...I will definitely go out there again on more future sydney trips.

In line with that today is the 1 year anniversary of mums passing. Anyone who has read my journal(s) over this past year. Its been a year of firsts...the first xmas without mum, her first birthday, first mothers day without etc. And there was definitely a element of me feeling robbed of my mum and thinking this should never have happened to her yet...she was a healthy, active 67 year old she should still be ringing me up driving me nuts ;) And i am one who struggles emotionally and didnt really have a outlet (well except food and eating!) Giving up the diet coke has given me a much clearer thought process (this is day 9 of no diet coke). I have a much better clarity of what I want and what I need to do. I arrive home tonight...tomorrow i will weigh in, back to the gym tomorrow night and PT. I am going back to 1200 calories tomorrow for 2 weeks and then reassess. I want to see how my body copes performance wise as well as satiety wise. I know I can lose on eating as much as 1800 calories but I do feel 1800 calories is too much for me. I think 1200-1500 calories is a nice balance. If i could mnage 1200 cals for a while then that would be great as it will really give it all a kick start. I know I can do this...I just have to put my plans into action.

There is also a 5km walk/jog/run thru north adelaide for women only on 29/9 which I think I might give a whirl as welll! Heres to getting back on track!

Much better day today and yesterday! My cravings really seem to have subsided. I told my trainer last night about my diet coke addiction LOL...her face dropped so far and fast LOL Anyway next wednesday she is bringing a apple drink in for me...(she is training for a fitness competition) and its something she drinks when training so she can have something sweet...its something she gets online from where she gets her supplements, protein powder etc. She was like...the only criteria is you drink it while working out and no other time...i think its just something you mix with water so will give that a whirl. I am easily drinking 3 litres of water a day and at this stage am not missing the diet coke. And im just ecstatic that i feel more in control. Last night i did 90 minutes of cardio then 45 minutes of PT. Must admit I love those PT sessions...every session she gets me to do different stuff :)

The plus side as well has been the scales. I will tell the world what i was monday morning (yuck) was 94.9 kilos...this morning is was 92.4 kilos....and i attribute most of that too the no diet coke but lots of water :) This afternoon i have a work "party" to go to for 30 minutes....im figuring there will be some finger food there...and tomorrow work is apparantly putting on a bbq for lunch. While im "allowing" myself to eat as high as 1800 calories..im mostly trying to stay under 1500 cals. Once i am back from sydney i think i will revert back to calorie cycling...prolly 1600 calories....see how that goes and then make any needed adjustments...i certainly feel more in the zone right now.

Tonight no gym, Home to get all the washing done and give the house a bit of a clean...then tomorrow night pack and saturday morning off to Sydney bright and early!!

So sunday night I decided to give up the diet coke (again). I have suspected for a long time my struggling with my eating has been related to my diet coke consumption (i have noticed in the past carb cravings seem worse when drinking the diet coke)So i decided enuff mucking around and havent had any diet coke since sunday night. Yesterday i had a lil mini melt down LOL. I am finding mid afternoon with no diet coke i get soooooooooo exhausted. And i was getting very much "screw this" attitude. But I feel much better this evening. I feel like...holy hell of course I can do this weight loss. I am tired again today but dont feel as out of control as i did yesterday. That said yesterday i still stayed on top of things. I was under 1500 calories....i did 30 minutes of cardio and then a 30 minute PT session of boxing (omg that was awesome)

I head off to sydney on saturday...so between now and then...90 minutes cardio tomorrow and a 45 minute PT session....thursday 90 minutes cardio plus body pump class and then friday night the cardio circuit program candice wrote me and a 1.5km run. Whilst in sydney there will be no gym visits but am planning to be active...so lots of walking. So until next wednesday i will stick with 1800 calories...If the scales are moving in the right direction i will keep at that....till the losses slow down/halt....then ill slowly cut down 100 calories at a time.

After getting on to the water yesterday...i did drop 1 kilo over the night...so a good start!

Ive still been struggling.....but once again tomorrow is a new day. Im tired of "restarting" all the time tho. Ive taken my meal plan from a few years ago and going to try and kick this in the ass. I am sure i can get back on track...sooner or later it will click again. Part of me is a bit annoyed...off to Sydney next weekend but I kinda wish I wasnt going as I want to get on track and STAY on track, its a bit harder when you are living in a hotel for 3 nights! But im thinking if i can find some where to have just some eggs, tomato, spinach etc for breakfast...no bread and no bacon....subway for lunch....then dinner of my choice...it should keep things okay....and ill aim for the only snacks to be fruit. I think once I run out of the muesli bars i have in the house...think i only have a couple left...im going to stop eating the "processed snacks"...back to fruit only....at least for a while.

I think its time to set some short term goals...so they are:

under 90 kilos : 2 lorna jane tops
under 85 kilos : Book a trip to melbourne
under 80 kilos : Tattoo
under 75 kilos : Hair makeover and Professional photo session

Tomorrow I will weigh in and get serious. PT tomorrow night plus some cardio...have a good week all! :)