Saturday, January 18, 2014

Wanted : some self belief amongst other things

I have been reading a book (which i am half way thru) called transformation road by Sean Anderson - he weighed 505 pounds got down to 230 pounds and similarly to me is now struggling. But it was interesting reading his book, reminded me how much i need to keep blogging.

My personality can be a bit of a 'hermit' or as I was once told - I am very insular lol when I started struggling last year ... Someone commented on my blog...why don't u just do it? My size 12 jeans are the only motivation I need....most who have ever battled their weight know it's more then just eat less and i took quite often to the post....then I declared I wasn't posting anymore I needed to hermit awayfom people and be with myself more in a attempt I guess to not have peoples opinions affect my mood and how I choose to cope with things. Nothingbad about that person....that comment is all about how. I CHOOSE to deal with things...I should have been stronger and if it was so bad to me deleted it and moved I but I didn't and as you can see it is still there in the back of my mind.

So while about a year ago I made the decision to hide (and coincidently have gained since) it's time to step out of that and put myself out there in many ways. And it's not just the blog....I was in a private group of weight watchers - people know in real - again I took offence to what one person said..blocked the person and deleted myself for the group - seeing a common theme? Yep I am the queen of running away....I don't like what someone says I delete them and turn my back....even if what is being said was want with good intentions (who knows I am not in there brain) but I run and it's a really bad habit of mine.

Last night in PT tamika had me do a wall squat sit....I'm doing it....and she says you look very comfortable I am like "oh yeah I find this easy" she turns around and says so go lower in your squat then...I do for about 1 second lol and then say "I don't like that it's too hard" lol she then says and this is a bit of a lightbulb moment even tho it's nothing I didn't know....but she says....we need to work on your range of movement...whether it's squats, lunges, push-ups or whatever you go to a certain point and just stop. And it's true...I could even expand on that....I figured out howto run at. A very slow pace - I can do it comfortably and can breath easily and am able to hold a conversation...but running a lol harder or faster - not interested. Tamika said last night you need to stop seeing yourself as the person you were at 170 kilos. And it's true...even tho I've gained 25 kilos I am still healthy and fit.i can still excise...except I still think of myself as 170 kilos I think I'm going to break still...whether it's myself...or something I'm holding on to ....sitting on....or leaning against.

When I was 25 kilos lighter I felt like I had endless possibilities....I was getting opportunities (that's life magazine, Lorna Jane book etc)....should I study nutrition or PT.....should I think about doing online weight loss coaching.....those opportunities still al exist for me....quite a while ago one the person from that's life magazine who did the story on me said get in touch with us when you get to goal do we can look at doing another would think that would motivate me no end? It in a nice outfit....getting the chance to be in their magazine again....but it's like I believe it will never happen....I've thought about it occasionally but not too often or seriously. Sending a message to that's life should be mitigation, being able yo wear the size 10 dress in my cupboard should have motivated me...knowing (from experience) how much happier my life was. So apart from the fact I need to get the weight loss going I really need to work on my range of movement...I need more self belief....more positive talk so I will believe in myself more...stop letting myself get scared of the gym...and stop worry I may not less weight and instead just lose weight.

1 comment:

Natalie said...

I wondered why you left the group Kazz! I think this is a very brave post - good on you for acknowledging your demons.... getting them out in the open is the first step to battling them!