Sunday, October 06, 2013

Big think :)

One day you wake up and say "thats it I am going to lose weight" my story...i decided to lose weight and at the time I had several goals....I wanted to meet someone to have a relationship, I wanted to get a rocking body, I wanted to not become confined to my home, and not to have a heart attack. Ive done pretty good. I still have 10-15 kilos to go...but in some ways the fire has gone out.

My first goal was to meet someone and to have a "life". When you have been big for a long time and you shut a lot of people out of your life and you no longer have close friends in your life its hard to get a life back. Im all my adult years I have only had one serious relationship and that lasted for all of 7 months and for most of that time was a long distance relationship so I dont think it counts. Being 45 and not with any real friends who are lesbians its hard to go to places where i MIGHT meet someone. Yes I have some friends who are lesbians...but we are more mates then friends...we dont socialise...they are not big socialisers. I have been a member of pink sofa for a attempt to meet people....that doesnt work so great either. Last time i met someone on there was over 2 years say that didnt work out is the understatement of the year. My life consists of work...the gym...sleep...watching tv shows....facebook...sleep. Ive lost all this weight and still dont have the life I want. And its not a group exercise did become a passion of mine...a lot of my interests (cross stitch...reading...movies) got lost somewhere along the line. I rarely go to concerts as I have no one to go to them with (lets face it its more enjoyable to share those things with someone)...I dont even have anyone to say....lets meet up for a walk. And yanno that sucks...its not just that I dont have a partner....its that I dont really have a social network, and at 45 I am kinda stuck how to get one....which of course a lot of the time (think saturday nights, sunday arvos etc) i am bored and ill admit it LONELY And I cannot help and think those dreams i had...for nothing out of the ordinary what lots of people have (in fact most)...people they socialise with and if lucky enough someone they care for and share their time with...i dont have that...and yanno the honest truth....the thing i have had the best relationship with thruout my life has been food...and im sick of it...i dont want food to be my friend....i want it to be fuel and nothing more. I know when i do overeat i dont overeat cos i am "hungry" its a boredom thing....its that small thing in my boring, monotonous life that gives me pleasure...I need to somehow work out how to get a life cos this isnt what i want.

Recently my manager at work said to me "what makes you get out of bed each day?" and yanno my answer? My weight loss. wtf is that about????? It should have been a answer spend time with my experience new challenge myself and feel awesome for doing new shouldnt be...too look at a freaking scale and see if it has moved or not!

The crazy thing is...before anyone says it...i know im not ugly....i know i have a good personality.... a few years ago i did have a couple of friends i saw on a semi regular basis...but one got pissed off cos i cancelled going out for dinner on MY birthday lol and another....well she just didnt seem to want to spend time with me once i lost the weight. And thats fine...they are only 2 people i am not pining after them lol....but just wish i had a social network with like minded people. And even outside of other people i wish i had a passion for something...i remember back when i didcross stitch...its a lazy sedentry hobby but i loved it...i wish i had that passion for something again.

The other thing is fitness. You know you see a lot of people lose weight and they find their "thing" fitness wise. They get into triathlons, or marathons or power lifting or figure modelling...even if i wanted to i couldnt truly get into any of those things. Id never wear a bathing suit with my excess skin or ride a bike (i fear them) so triathlons would be a incredibly slow runner...and while yes with training i could run the distance of a marathon or half marathon there are time limits to do them way to slow too meet any of them....power lifters wear these lil short outfits that show off their not exagerating when i say my thighs are awful and the same for figure modeling. I need a goal....more then just weight loss...i need a vision and something to zone in fitness wise....and sure I can still focus on calorie burn...and doing my heavy weights....but i need some goals...short term, medium term, and long term.


donna said...

That was quite deep thinking kazz and I can understand where your comming from if I was there I would come for a Sunday walk with ya :). Hope you find another outlet for you to enjoy soon as we all know food isn't the answer but easier said than done ...... Hugs hun

Natalie said...

I hear you Jazz. You have been so focused on your weight loss for so long. You do have relationships, but a lot of us are virtual! (Thank you internet).
It's hard meeting and making friends in any walk of life.
I am slowly developing a friendship with someone I used to work with atm, but often 6-8 weeks will go by without us seeing each other!
Hobbies? Dog (you have to get out of the house & walk it every day, meeting other dog walkers), volunteering at a cause you believe in (spca, riding for the disabled, visiting lonely older people) can be a way of doing some good and meeting others who do the same.

Natalie said...

Stupid autocorrect..... I know your name is Kazz!!!