Well today went much better! Ate 1738 calories and ate 130 grams of protein (the aim is to eat 130 grams of protein or more!) so that went well.

Went to the gym tonight.....did 20 minutes on the cross trainer and then a PT session. I had warned my trainer my back was not doing good...so we did some intervals on the bike and a hill climb (which I sucked at!) then we did some upper weight work. All went well and I burnt 540 calories :). These PT sessions are challenging...I think I frustrate my trainer cos its not uncommon for me halfway thru a set to stop for a lil rest lol...she isnt keen on the rests lol. It would be nice to be that awesome client who gives 120% and never gives up but in all honesty that is not me :)

I bought a fitbit flex today...OMG so annoying trying to clasp it when putting it on my wrist....so damn annoying! I want to wear it :(

Not much else going on....:)

Stocktake

It never hurts to do a stocktake on health/life.

So since I gained this weight back my health is here:

I have had a flare up of a stomach ulcer
I am getting acid reflux again
Getting cramping in my feet and legs several times a week
I am starting to get migraines again...the frequency is increasing altho they are not as severe as I use to get them
Hurt my back (don't think this is related to my weight but will throw it in anyway lol)

People could look at that I guess and go thats not too bad...nothing major....no high blood pressure or diabetes etc...but i classify the above as BAD....when losing weight my migraines went, no cramps, no ulcer, no acid reflux....and plain and simple I cannot keep doing this to myself - I deserve more and it really still is a life and death situation.

The motivation has to be health....about not ending in a cardiac ward....

I deserve more then this and cannot really keep doing this to myself...

I deserve :
to have a social life
to wear pretty clothes
to look AND feel fit and healthy
the opportunity to have a relationship and have my "happily ever after"
to walk into Lorna Janes and be able to buy anything i want
to not feel self conscious on what i look like
to run with ease
to build me some nice biceps and back muscles

Tomorrow is a new start....I will be starting in the next week or two working with the online person I previously mentioned...it wont happen overnight...i wont suddenly be 79 kilos next week...but i can make progress :)

So I had a skype "meeting" with that person willing to assist with nutrition. He explained normally when he does this he also writes out exercise programs etc but as I have a trainer he could just look at my nutrition side only. I explained thats what I need most of the help. Even in just the short time I spoke to him he gave me some ideas (like wearing my fitbit...not to work out calories...just to monitor steps taken...he was like you know if you wear one...you average say 7200 steps...then stop losing weight we wouldnt necessarily cut back on food but maybe set a daily aim of 8500 steps). I am very tempted to sign  up with him...it would cost me but it would be similar cost to if i signed up for food coaching with fernwood. My main concern really is simply that my trainer wouldnt be happy with me doing that seeing as he is actually a personal trainer...altho as i said i would be seeing him for nutrition. Also its only a month by month situation I am not committing to anything long term so if it doesnt work, but just at this stage worried about that.

My back is improving. Still quite sore but it has improved even in just the last 24 hours, thankfully. I am back using the wheat bag on it again today.

I just ordered some new protein powder...i have heard its a thicker consistency which is what i need to mix it up with my oats for breakfast. AND it came in chocolate peanut butter flavour haha...impressed :)

Not much else going on...have a good sunday all :)

So I got a text message this morning from a friend I work with who had read my "crunchtime" post asking me what my motivation is. As generic as it sounds is my biggest motivation is to not weigh 173 kilos EVER again! Pure and simple it still really is a life and death journey for me still and I think in my complacency I lost that somewhere.

Anyway I talked to my friend today and we set a challenge....the "15 by 10" challenge...which means 15 kilos by 10th september (the date I fly to Sydney). I honestly have HEAPS of reasons to motivate myself from the very cute pink camoflague Lorna Jane pants I own... to the avoiding ending up in a cardiac ward! There are so many reasons, I will never have a relationship with someone with how I am at the moment...I dont even like me right now so how could someone else...but i DID like myself when I was happy with my weight loss progress and thats where I need to get back too....there are other things I want to do like get a tattoo...train for a half marathon....have some hot chick sleeping in my bed hahhaha.....go in a hot air balloon....truly live a happy life....and a happy life doesnt exist around eating food and nothing else!

So the challenge is on....Ive done good today....weetbix for breakfast...sumo salad for lunch and I am having take out pasta for dinner tonight. Back to calorie cycling which means 1800 calories on a saturday night. I havent snacked today and wasnt even tempted actually...i had protein powder at work and didnt even bother with it. I still have about 370 calories left for the day so I may splurge on some frozen berries and ice cream...or i may even just leave my calories at 1426 for the day :)

My back is doing a bit better (altho still sore)  I have used the wheat bag a LOT on it today and its really helped...im sure its just that i have muscle tightness which is why the wheatbag is helping. I am walking better and can lower myself to sit without too much drama now...ill keep using the wheatbag tomorrow and monday and hopefully that will enable me to do a normal workout on monday. Don't think my trainer was overly impressed with my efforts yesterday so guess I need to pull my socks up a bit in that department (that said i did still burn over 1000 calories in 90 minutes which is not a bad feat considering i had a sore back!)

Not much else going on....enjoy your saturday night :)

Crunch time

Went to the gym today. My back is playing up so not sure how wise that was! lol but i did a hour of PT and then a 30 minute RPM session. As i was leaving the gym Sarah who was the food coach i saw temporarily a month or so ago said "how is your food going" LOL I was like yeh its not. She then asked me if I had been to see Jenna for a food coaching session....i explained no i hurt my back had to fit in physio sessions etc etc. Coincidently at the same time (in the past week) I found out I have the opportunity to work with someone nutrition wise from the US....he is very knowledgable and has helped some people with some 12 week transformations and the progress of these people is pretty amazing. So i had a decision to make. What path do I go down? Cos i need to make a decision and COMMITT!

Tonight i watched a couple of documentaries which I have previously seen, one is called hungry for change and the other fat, sick and nearly dead. Watching them I realise at the moment I really need to "heal" my body. As i have said before I am a food addict and to gain 28 kilos I obviously have fallen back into old patterns. Really this shouldnt be too complicated I KNOW what works...not eating a pile of crap food, remembering a saying of jillians "if it didnt grow in the ground or have a mother dont eat it" I really feel I need to cleanse my body....more so then focusing on "not going off track" i need to focus on moving away from this addiction. I know the foods that help my body - chia seeds, goji berries, nuts, fruit, vegies, feta cheese. I was also big on "carbs are not evil" i think my thinking towards that has changed....there is so much science studies showing most carbs are not great for you - i think the bread needs to go...and i need to stick to grains like quinoa and barley. I would love to do a full cleanse of just plant food but with my lifestyle that wont work (plus i dont want to go to extremes). Tomorrow i am planning on weetbix, with chia seeds, honey and some goji berries for breakfast - lunch i actually have a chicken and avocado salad from sumo salad...not the best choice but not too bad....and tomorrow night gonna bake chicken breast with some barley....might have a berry smoothie after dinner. I really need to focus on eating clean following jillians principles is what i need....i did think about doing whole30 but its too extreme i dont think i need to go to that extreme. I think if i can get to 6 weeks sticking to this then i will be right. I am paying a lot for 3 PT sessions per week and I need to put all the pieces together.

Weighed in this morning and was down to 106.5 kilos. So it dropped 1.9 kilos overnight which considering I probably still ate over 2000 calories yesterday shows you how bad I was eating.. So a loss of 1.9 kilo...so far ;)

Thinking about stuff last night I think boredom with eating a lot of the same foods hasn't assisted me. So this morning I got some honey and soy wingettes...i had 4 of them for lunch super yummy and felt satisfied :)

This afternoon (since I am still stuck on the sofa!) I am going to go thru my symply to good to be true books and also ww magazine to find some recipes to make this weekend...time to break this boredom of food :)

Until later :)

Well I weighed in today....I ummed and ahhed about posting my weight....but by not posting it i am simply staying in denial. I have also decided to keep track of what I lose from today on...ie not add it to the grand total of 65+ kilos....time to stop resting on my laurels.

So i weighed 108.4 kilos...I kinda expected it to be worse. Today i didnt stick to my 1500 calories but i was a lot better then previously. I actually have a stomach ulcer (prolly bought on from crap food!) always hard not to comfort eat when stuck at home in front of the tv. I am back at work on wednesday.

I think some of my issue which I think I have previously mentioned is being bored with foods...to be honest i am a bit over bread...bit over weetbix (the list goes on and on lol) but I am going to pull out my symply to good to be true books to make some new foods.

Thats it for today - enjoy all :)

New beginnings!

So time for honesty hour. There have been so many posts of mine of late saying "tomorrow i am eating this many calories and getting back on track"...then it doesnt happen.

I have to look at this and look at what has and hasnt worked. Eating 1200 calories doesnt work. Cutting out or being told to cut out or back on my bread intake doesnt help. Regular attendance at the gym does help it gets and keeps me motivated. It needs to come back to simply eating healthy foods, foods I like, calorie controlled (but not excessive) and exercising 4-6 days per week. I think its also important that I focus on my support system as well so that is what I am trying to do.

Apart from last week with my injury my exercise has been good for a few months. So the exercise part i already have...specially week nights...the attending on saturday morning tho needs work!

A while ago...prolly 20 kilos ago (was 20 kilos lighter) I got some advice from some people online. They told me eat 1800 calories...a minimum of 130 grams of protein and 70 grams of fat. So I am going to go back to that...I remember how not on the scales moved but the changes in a month following what they recommended led to some big changes so I want to go back to doing that.

I am currently closer to 110 kilos then 100 kilos...once a food addict always a food addict. But the thing is I have done this before...I can do it again :)

I am planning to run the city to bay in september (12km run). Not this week but the week after I am hoping to start to train for it. I sprained a facet joint in my lower spine 2 weeks ago and i have been given the go ahead to slowly start runnig and jumping...i will wait another week before i start runnning of decent amounts.

So if you are keen to follow my journey more there is lots of places online you can....
facebook : http://www.facebook.com/kazzsjourney
My fitness pal : username : kazzsjourney2goal
tumblr: kazzsjourney.tumblr.com

This weeks workouts will look like this:

monday : 30 minutes boxing (if my back feels okay) + 30 minutes Pt session (weights)
tuesday : Physio session
wednesday : 45 minutes RPM session + 30 min Pt session (metabolic fat burning session)
thursday : rest day
friday : 20-30 minutes cross trainer + 30 min Pt session (strength/stability session)
Saturday : 60 minutes body pump (if my back feels up to it I will do a 60 minute body balance class too)

Weigh in this morning and I was 102.7 kilos. I was a lil unprepared today and so relied a lil too much on bbq food (the cafe was closed due to the public holiday)

Tomorrow is 1500 calories and I have already popped my food in my myfitnesspal. Im due to gym it tomorrow night...the plan would be a RPM class and a 30 minute PT session. I am undecided what to do tho since my back is still sore (altho ive put the heat pack on it a few times today and thats seemed to help)...i cannot do jarring movements and need to be careful with lifting...part of me is thinking its a waste of PT sessions if i cannot utilise them properly but another part of me is like...just attending the gym will be good for motivational levels. Better make up my mind quick as i need to let my trainer if not attending by 6.30am tomorrow morning.

I cannot remember what I did or didnt post yesterday but I did register for the city to bay (to run 12km) im hoping that my back is good to go next week and I can start to train for it.

Not really much else to say - enjoy your night all :)

I am getting back on track tomorrow...and doing things my way ;) My way always works best for me. Will take it one day at a time...tomorrow is 1600 calories...all should work well :)

I registered for the city to bay to run the 12km...so thats it...committed to training for it! Hopefully get the all clear for running this week and will start training the week the 16th....that will give me 12 weeks...i will have a look online for some 12 week programs for 12km if no luck i will message one of the trainers at the gym (who in fact won the adelaide marathon) and ask her to write me a 12km program (she has written me a 5km program in the past)

I decided as well as my calorie limit...to have a list of allowable foods, as well as treat foods. Jillian always says allow about 20% of your day on treatfoods...so thats what I am going to aim for...and this is a list of foods that i am allowing myself (not someone else)....so here goes:

eggs
bananas
greek yoghurt
seeds
nuts (raw)
pork
chicken
cheese (no slice cheese in the house)
milk
protein powder
tuna
tahini
vegetables
fruit (not dried fruit)
tuna
olive oil
potato
barley/rice
multi grain bread
weetbix
oats




Treat foods
Hamburgers (not from mcdonalds etc)
70% dark chocolate
yiros

No no foods:
white processed foods
Chocolate that isnt 70% cocoa or more
No take away foods apart from whats mentioned above
No pasta
no hot chocolate
no quest bars
no fruit toast

I decided as well as my calorie limit...to have a list of allowable foods, as well as treat foods. Jillian always says allow about 20% of your day on treatfoods...so thats what I am going to aim for...and this is a list of foods that i am allowing myself (not someone else)....so here goes:

eggs
bananas
greek yoghurt
seeds
nuts (raw)
pork
chicken
cheese (no slice cheese in the house)
milk
protein powder
tuna
tahini
vegetables
fruit (not dried fruit)
tuna
olive oil
potato
barley/rice
multi grain bread
weetbix
oats




Treat foods
Hamburgers (not from mcdonalds etc)
70% dark chocolate
yiros

No no foods:
white processed foods
Chocolate that isnt 70% cocoa or more
No take away foods apart from whats mentioned above
No pasta
no hot chocolate
no quest bars

I may add to this list...but for now this works....until september 21....i need this for some solid time not just a few weeks! Bring on the new week tomorrow :)

Its a long one....

Ive thought about doing this post a lot over the last month or so but thought it was "wrong" to put it out there....and I feel bad for some thoughts I am about to put down into words....but at the same time I think its something i need to say to remove from myself so I can get on to being a happier me.

Now as most know my mum passed away in september 2012...and I will preface this by saying my mum was a good person...anything she did do...she never did with ill intentions....and anything that occurred between us what im about to say is my perspective and my mum and myself were/are both humans...and both imperfect. I really dont want anyone (like my sister lol finding this and getting upset thinking I am bad mouthing cos I am not I am just trying to move on and deal with things)

I was a skinny kid. I lead a great childhood, altho a very sheltered childhood. Dad was in the army....he liked order....was very organised and quite the homebody...he especially liked staying at home on sundays (traits i really have) so I wasnt that kid that ran up the street into neighbours houses. I did ballet most nites...between school, ballet and sleep i didnt do much else! When I was about 13 i was in ballet class....my mum use to travel 40 minutes each way everynight for my ballet....anyway i was in ballet class....apparantly talking my head off to a friend and as mum popped her head in the teacher was telling me off for talking lol. Anyway....after class mum was like .... ur not doing ballet anymore LOL Anyway...then my dad got sick...he was diagnosed with mouth cancer and was admitted to hospital. The hospital was a 40 minute ride away.

So suddenly I am not exercising .... I am 13 and my PCOS seems to have reared its ugly head....and mum had a sick husband to deal with. My dads sickness I didnt deal with well...I remember one of the nurses pulling me aside saying they thought I should talk with someone to help deal with everything...i was like noooooooooo (of course looking back now that may have been a good idea). As mum was time poor i remember home prepared lunches were uncommon and i was often given money to buy lunch (something that rarely happened previously)...so as my PCOS developed (altho i was unaware at this stage)....not exercising....buying food from the school canteen i started to gain weight.

I remember this one time....I was in the lounge room....I was in my bra and knickers (for some strange reason) anyway i was still skinny as....but had developed a slight tummy....and I remember mum saying "look at your three rolls....like 3 boobs" (1 set of boobs and 2 rolls from my tummy)....thats the first time I ever remember my weight being addressed but certainly not the last. My weight thruout my teens was constantly discussed....and for the first 3-4 years of that i was slim! At 16 i was taken to the doctor and came out with my first "diet plan"...it consisted of points....i remember i was allowed 16 points a day....and a meat pie was 16 points....a meat pie was 500 calories so u can imagine how the diet cycle started. The thing is....I remember when I was about 17 KNOWING i would never marry...and im not talking about a guy....i just remember thinking i will never live with anyone...never have that sort of relationship....you see....when ur the black sheep in the family....phsyically your the joke of the family....when your own mum see's you like this its hard to believe that anyone else could honestly like u in any sense. When I was younger I wanted to please mum i wanted her to like me a lot....then not long after i started to lose weight...id come out....everything was out in the open....and i realised i cannot live my life to make anyone else happy....i needed to do what made me happy....and i did...guilt free. I think since mum passed away not that there is a sense of guilt...but that opportunity for her to see the real me...and honestly like me a a person without judgement....that is gone....and i wish she had lived to a much older age where I had had that chance.

But yanno its coming up to 2 years since she passed away....i need to let go of this stuff...i need to do everything i can to live the rest of my life the best I can.

In line with this...I need to stop saying i hate the gym...i think i do it...cos if i say i hate the gym....that im not athletic .... that its not the person i am...then if i suck at it im not losing any face.

I also noticed this week when I was planning my holiday....I was contemplating a cruise to the south pacific islands....I had the money....but the amount of time away from home (12 days) concerned me....the tehought of having to go thru getting a passport put me off...not knowing people on the boat put me off....i basically didnt want to step out of my comfort zone....i really need to get over that....there is more to life then the inside 4 walls of my home, but I need to go out and grab it...and step outside of my comfort zone. Its time to honestly focus on me again...treat my body and my mind kindly...and work towards a happy life :)

Update

I went to a food coaching session thursday night....i thought it went well...but now i dont think it did. The way the food coaching works is they dont set a calorie limit...you fill in a food diary...everything you ate and drank and then they make some suggestions of changes.

I think being a calorie counting girl I need a number. Also im not a fan of being told what not to eat. Like she looked at it and said...you obviously have a sugar addiction (and she is prolly right) but whenever I think about weight loss it needs to be something I can do long term. This weeks recommendation was no honey on my weetbix....that one is do-able...no bread at lunch time on days I dont exercise...this i where I come unstuck. Its enough to have to eat protein and vegies at dinner time....i like bread i will admit it...i eat multigrain bread so i dont think it is the worst thing in the world...and its quick and easy and i actually enjoy sandwiches...i tried to cut out bread today (i didnt have cereal either) and it just led to me craving carbs. The bottom line is when i got down to 79 kilos i ate bread every single day, i dont think cutting out bread is the answer. What worked for me was controlling my calories....not eating grains in the evening...fitting in some treats. So in line with that im not gonna go back to food coaching...i dont need their eating recommendations...as fiona has said many times...nutritionally i prolly know more then most people anyway when it comes to nutrition.

So monday morning I will weigh in and make monday my weigh in day...2 weeks of calorie cycling at 1528 calories seems a good range. After 2 weeks I would want to be down at least 2 kilos...if not I will cut by 100 calories a day. This is what previously worked...calorie cycling, eating clean foods with some limited treats, exercising well (the exercise part is going good!). And the truth is...i need to learn to be accountable to me!

Yesterday I booked a trip to Sydney and the gold coast....I am hovering around 102 kilos at the moment and would love to be in the 80's by then...so thats a goal! :)

I was at the physio today...have had a sore lower back...turns out i was very tight around my spine and she thinks i have strained or sprained a facet joint in my lower spine...i go back to see her on thursday....till then no jarring movements (jumps, running etc) and have to be very careful when lifting. My trainer will not be happy to hear about the no jarring movements (but i am! lol no box jumps yay!)

That said...exercise is going well...i am really making progress there....and i will make a lot more effort to update this journal more regularly...time for action :)

So amazingly the scales said 100.2 kilos this morning - amazing! Lets hope it continues (thats a huge loss so I am expecting to fluctuate back up somewhat)

The aching in my right foot woke me up last night...I am really not looking forward to this winter if this is a indication of how my foot is going to handle it!

Back at work today...my throat feels fine and coughing stopped but I feel a bit weak like I am about to faint or throw up (or both hah!) i think its just cos i have been stuck in bed for a few days this usually happens after I have been sick. Im going to the gym tonight (boxing class and PT) so hopefully it will be better by then.

Not much else going on...enjoy your day all :)

Sunday!

Food is going good! :) This morning the scales said 101.5 kilos....it would be nice to under 100 kilos by thursday but not overly likely!

I have realised that over the past few years I have become complacent. I put the choice back into this journey. What I mean by that is when I was successfully losing weight...it wasnt a option it just had to be done....but these days its more like the whole....oh but I want a [insert treat] oh bugger it what does it matter if I have it? So its something I really need to work on...its not a option. I really want and NEED to get to goal....non negotiable.

I am feeling better the antibiotics have obviously kicked in.

I have been getting a lot of ankle joint aches lately. They arent injured or anything just get very achey in this colder weather.

Watched season 1 of Khloe and Lamar today - I am such a sucker for the kardashians! lol hahhaha my favourite show at the moment lol ;)

Gym tomorrow....30 minute boxing class and PT session (lets hope I dont have to go on that revolting cross trainer haha!)

We are getting our bonus this week wooooooooo hoooooooooooo.....so by the end of the week I should have booked and paid for my holiday for september....cannot wait to see how much it gets and what I can afford! Enjoy your day/night all! :)