Ive thought about doing this post a lot over the last month or so but thought it was "wrong" to put it out there....and I feel bad for some thoughts I am about to put down into words....but at the same time I think its something i need to say to remove from myself so I can get on to being a happier me.
Now as most know my mum passed away in september 2012...and I will preface this by saying my mum was a good person...anything she did do...she never did with ill intentions....and anything that occurred between us what im about to say is my perspective and my mum and myself were/are both humans...and both imperfect. I really dont want anyone (like my sister lol finding this and getting upset thinking I am bad mouthing cos I am not I am just trying to move on and deal with things)
I was a skinny kid. I lead a great childhood, altho a very sheltered childhood. Dad was in the army....he liked order....was very organised and quite the homebody...he especially liked staying at home on sundays (traits i really have) so I wasnt that kid that ran up the street into neighbours houses. I did ballet most nites...between school, ballet and sleep i didnt do much else! When I was about 13 i was in ballet class....my mum use to travel 40 minutes each way everynight for my ballet....anyway i was in ballet class....apparantly talking my head off to a friend and as mum popped her head in the teacher was telling me off for talking lol. Anyway....after class mum was like .... ur not doing ballet anymore LOL Anyway...then my dad got sick...he was diagnosed with mouth cancer and was admitted to hospital. The hospital was a 40 minute ride away.
So suddenly I am not exercising .... I am 13 and my PCOS seems to have reared its ugly head....and mum had a sick husband to deal with. My dads sickness I didnt deal with well...I remember one of the nurses pulling me aside saying they thought I should talk with someone to help deal with everything...i was like noooooooooo (of course looking back now that may have been a good idea). As mum was time poor i remember home prepared lunches were uncommon and i was often given money to buy lunch (something that rarely happened previously)...so as my PCOS developed (altho i was unaware at this stage)....not exercising....buying food from the school canteen i started to gain weight.
I remember this one time....I was in the lounge room....I was in my bra and knickers (for some strange reason) anyway i was still skinny as....but had developed a slight tummy....and I remember mum saying "look at your three rolls....like 3 boobs" (1 set of boobs and 2 rolls from my tummy)....thats the first time I ever remember my weight being addressed but certainly not the last. My weight thruout my teens was constantly discussed....and for the first 3-4 years of that i was slim! At 16 i was taken to the doctor and came out with my first "diet plan"...it consisted of points....i remember i was allowed 16 points a day....and a meat pie was 16 points....a meat pie was 500 calories so u can imagine how the diet cycle started. The thing is....I remember when I was about 17 KNOWING i would never marry...and im not talking about a guy....i just remember thinking i will never live with anyone...never have that sort of relationship....you see....when ur the black sheep in the family....phsyically your the joke of the family....when your own mum see's you like this its hard to believe that anyone else could honestly like u in any sense. When I was younger I wanted to please mum i wanted her to like me a lot....then not long after i started to lose weight...id come out....everything was out in the open....and i realised i cannot live my life to make anyone else happy....i needed to do what made me happy....and i did...guilt free. I think since mum passed away not that there is a sense of guilt...but that opportunity for her to see the real me...and honestly like me a a person without judgement....that is gone....and i wish she had lived to a much older age where I had had that chance.
But yanno its coming up to 2 years since she passed away....i need to let go of this stuff...i need to do everything i can to live the rest of my life the best I can.
In line with this...I need to stop saying i hate the gym...i think i do it...cos if i say i hate the gym....that im not athletic .... that its not the person i am...then if i suck at it im not losing any face.
I also noticed this week when I was planning my holiday....I was contemplating a cruise to the south pacific islands....I had the money....but the amount of time away from home (12 days) concerned me....the tehought of having to go thru getting a passport put me off...not knowing people on the boat put me off....i basically didnt want to step out of my comfort zone....i really need to get over that....there is more to life then the inside 4 walls of my home, but I need to go out and grab it...and step outside of my comfort zone. Its time to honestly focus on me again...treat my body and my mind kindly...and work towards a happy life :)