I miss work....=[

yes I truly do...right at this moment. I have been sick with the flu since sunday night. And so been stuck at home with only the tv for company, and yanno works a pain in the ass at times but i work with mostly such a good mob of people and have some real good friends there...and so really have missed them this week. When I am sick more then ever is when i realise how isolating living alone can be. I am on the mend now tho...got a decent nights sleep last night and actually cooked dinner tonight and been doing stuff on the puter which is a good sign. So i obviously havent been to gym...but monday I am going back for a slimplicity session and tuesday a PT session but i will take it easy...my trainer rang today and so she knows ive had the flu.

This flu has been a huge reminder tho .... even if i never ever lose another kilo i need to stick at this healthy lifestyle for my health. I joined ww in 2006 cos i had bronchitis for 7 weeks....7 weeks of not working is a scary situation to find yourself in... and i realised if i didnt get my act together i would prolly end up on a disability pension or something ridiculous like that. And I dont wanna spend this winter battling brinchitis...so no more games...no more half heartedly doing this...110% committment.

Who watched biggest loser tonite with the past losers? Was so cool wasnt it? Specially that chat Adro had with cosi. BUT the BEST news is jillian is back in it from sunday night *swoon* gawd damn shes awesome ... and funny thing is....i had her book at work the other day....and one of the guys i sit next too saw it and said "oh shes hot eh?" lol my only response was NO CHIT lol

Off to meet a couple of my friends from school tomorrow for morning tea (im gonna be very good tho!) which will be great....they were really good friends and I am so happy to be rekindling their friendship.

Okies off to watch the end of law & order =]

well...ive had a not so good weekend yet at the same time a good weekend. My sister and her family were down which has been lovely but with them being down it also involves visits with other family members which i personally find stressful...and the whole weekend i end up dreading the next occassion and in my mind coming up with ways to handle the situation. So in regards to this ive decided to back away in a very drama free way...have gone into pink sofa a few times on the weekend which has kinda highlighted that I am single .... and the last few days ive been down in the dumps about that...now dont get me wrong i would freaking love a partner or a interest ,,, but to be perfectly honest its prolly now what I actually NEED right now. This journey to getting healthy, sculpting my body, reclaiming my life back just has to be a priority now and whilst if i was to meet someone i wouldnt say no...i simply cant make it a focus...and lets be honest....with my body as it is right in this moment I dont think me meeting someone is that likely. And thats fine...that not me pitying myself...or wanting to hear people say u will meet someone thats me being realistic...and not hiding behind some fantasy...and i think right now realistically is what I need. But what I am also realising I need is to start enjoying what I do have going on in my life right now...I mean for the last 6 months unless its involved KFC there hasnt been too much I have enjoyed. One of the things I havent been doing much is playing backgammon, I play it online and love it...a tournament takes about a hour to play so its a great way to distract me from the fridge but also as i have pcos one of the things they recommend cos of the tendancy for depression is to participate in logic games...and thats certainly what gammon is (well with a dash of luck) so back to playing that. This is also the first week of a trillion of putting the gym first....this week...tuesday, wednesday,saturday, sunday and thursday before work i will be at the gym, i also see the slimcoach this week and then from now on that will be a weekly appointment and also a Pt session. Friday I wont make it as I have plans to catch up with some ole friends tracy & laura for morning tea...but knowing fellinis has a low fat menu I suggested we meet there ! Thats another thing to be grateful off...getting back in touch with my ole friends and rekindling the friendships. I had so many friends when I was young yet in my hermit ways I have let them slip thru my fingertips.

I also got my hair done ! And I must say it looks really good...lovely golden colour and a different style...they blow dried it straight and if i ever get a date i will have to get that done again...cos looks really good...and I think it actually makes my face look really slim...its a good reminder of how well I have done (something that I seem to constantly lose focus on) And yes tania I will get a photo up shortly.

Tomorrow I am working...11am-7pm so not a bad shift...then monday I am off again. Monday I plan to work on the application for the leader of tomorrow program so will have to cross my fingers in regard to that.

Tuesday I think I will pick up series 3 of L word...trying to get it online is impossible...so will pick that up...and then my next couple of days off mite have to have a L Word marathon LOL

Okies off I go...soon enough will be heading out to see my niece and nephews one last time before they head off home...enjoy the rest of ur easter weekend all =]

YaY one day and I get a day off...so glad. This morning feast rang me (the people who do the annual gay & lesbian celebrations) wanting to know if I want to volunteer...I told them yes...said last year....they always promised to email me but never did so I discussed this with them...turns out they had a typo in the email address. He then looked at my skills and was like well u have skills in nearly everything LOL....so yanno its right...get positive...and good stuff happens.

Last night went into the pink sofa chat room...2 girls ive met before at the golden dances were in there...so was good to chat to them again. One just shaved her head for that fundraising thing for cancer...she wants me to colour my hair next year to help raise money....lol...maybe next year

Tomorrows a busy day...housework, PT session at the gym, then grocery shopping then with luck will see my niece and nephews tomorrow night. Everything else is going really well...okies time to head of to work...have a good day all =]

The scales dropped down another 500 grams over night so I am guessing my putting on certainly was from sodium...and thats cool as long as I know why. Today I was out at the shops in this stinking heat...anyway I bought a diet coke...hadnt eaten for a few hours, drank about a glassful of diet coke and I was full...so this concentrating on my portion sizes must be helping... appears my stomach is shrinking. The strangest thing lol yesterday was 40 degrees here in Adelaide but works airconditioning was stuffed and so the building was all of 12 degrees ! yes thats not a typo 12 freaking degrees...so we were all running around wrapped up in blankets (we raided the sick room) lol was very bizarre we looked like a bunch of white darth vaders running around the place. Well I am looking forward to this week...we normally work over easter...but they rejigged the roster so i have 4 out of 6 days off...so wednesday I am off and that the busy day...gonna clean since it will be cool, do a PT session and grocery shop. With luck I will get it all done with time to spare to spend some time with my sister and her family. Thursday I work and then friday and saturday I am off. Saurday morning I am getting my hair done. I may go into the city and get some new gym shoes fitted as well...we will see. I then work sunday and monday I am off. So it feels like I am having a real break coming up. Tomorrow I will prolly move my mattress back up to the bedroom...I will be glad to have my lounge room back to some normality and the computer back in the computer room. There is not a real lot going on apart from this - oh and tania kept forgetting to answer your question....I am going to the fernwood in the city but there is a girl there from salisbury (staff member) who has lost like 65 kilos...her name is octavia...(think thats the spelling)

Okies off I go

Well one of my old friends from school emailed me this morning to say a old friend of mine has been trying to get in contact with me. She bumped into his parents and he lives interstate...so his mum wants me to call him to get his details. He is coming down in a months time apparantly so hopefully with luck I will catch up with him then, hes a pom and hilarious...we used to have a lot of fun hanging out together in our late teens/early 20's. The last time he saw me was about 5-6 years ago at the shopping centre....I am sure I was my heaviest or very close to it and I am sure I looked attrocious...so should be good to catch up with him.

Scales went up about a kilo this morning but i think thats cos i had that rice with soy sauce the last 2 days...too much sodium...hopefully will drop back down...not too concerned just yet.

Also found out today that if I am successful getting into the leaders of tomorrow program there is the possibility of some interstate travel...i was like oh well yeh sure I can handle that hahahahah bring it on...altho step by step and first step is to just get the application filled out LOL

okies back to some work...enjoy all

I lost my dreams...

I have come to the realisation that it isnt so much that I lost the focus on my weight loss...but I lost my dreams...those things that drove me to want to lose weight...I stopped focussing on what I really want and anyone who knows me knows that is to be happy and madly in love with some chickie...before when I was doing good I would put my mp3 player on anytime i was out...whether on the way to work...working out...walks...wherever. I would listen to those songs and me and my imagination could imagine me out dancing with friends...it was a huge motivator...I have not used my mp3 pplayer except to listen to the old jillian michaels podcast for months...prolly 4 months or more...so last night i uploaded some songs onto it and this morning on the way to work i listened to it and it was so damn motivating...imagining me out with friends dancing to those songs...a HUGE MOTIVATOR and I think theyre the things I need to focus on more then anything.

Foodwise been very good...last nite i did a stirfry with basamati rice with chicken, prawns, a lil bacon, capsicum, mushies, soy sauce and oyster sauce...was all very yummii. And i did jump on the scales this morning...I think I have dropped about a kilo...but we will wait till the 27th for a very accurate weigh in.

Okies off I goooooooooooooo to do some work lalalalalalala

Well I am seriously over this weather. Its too stinking hot for anything...Im just so freaking grateful I moved the mattress downstairs so I have managed to sleep...but a cool change is expected as of wednesday. I still went to the gym today...I did 22 minutes on the treadmill and then a PT session...I struggled a bit...had a bit of a woozy feeling...but I did do all exercises. I am already starting to feel the benefits of the exercise...I normally have lower back pain when I wake and most days I have to use anti-imflamatory cream on it...but I havent for 4 or 5 days...teri my trainer said its prolly cos Im stretching my muscles more and using them.

I have done somethings to start doing more for myself...the hairdresser I go to often has a special of you pay $99 and get $254 worth of services...includes a restyle, cut, tint, plus foils, a treatment to lock in the colour, blow dry and a head massage...all pretty good for $99 so I have a appointment for 9am on easter saturday. I also have made plans to catch up with laura on the 28th and also with tania the following sunday...so all is good on that front.

I did pop on the scales this morning and they seem to be going down...

Some good news too...we have a program at work called "Leaders of Tomorrow" and my boss wants me to apply for it...its a 3 month application process...and then the program runs for 15 months...at the end you have a certificate IV in business management and you have been mentored towards a management role...so I am PRETTY sure I will apply for it...okies time to head off...but before I go...heres a image of my latest saying to my bois at work lololololol.....

Good morning all ! At work bright and early. Headed off to the gym last nite in 37 degree weather...blah...I am really over the weather. Anyway did 10 minutes on the bike...and god that showed how much I have lost my fitness levels...I use to be able to cycle for 30 minutes and would cycle 12 km in that time...I was on it all for a minute when my legs started aching. So then I went and saw the slim coach...she was great...very lovely...she is actually in her 2nd year of a degree in nutrition and dietics...so she gave me a plan outlay for the next 2 weeks before I officially start slimplicity. She wants me mostly to watch my portion sizes (and OMG only 1/3 of uncooked pasta per day) but she also wants me to increase my dairy which surprised me. So tonite after work I am off to pick up yoghurts, some muesli (need to use non low fat muesli which has less then 10 grams of sugar) and also some low fat cheese slices. I weighed in at 147.6 kilos...which I was 150.4 kilos on curves scales...so Ive either lost some or curves scales were stuffed (and my weight at fernwood nearly matches my scales at home) I then went and did 20 minutes on the treadmill...by the time I got home I was dog tired. My personal trainer came over to see if she had scared me off LOL I said no...but this cardio may scare me off lol (not really) When I walked in the manager was there and she was like...are u still doing crazy hours? I was like yeh...and shes like and you still came back? then she put her hand up to high 5 me hahahah so i was a high 5 wooping machine....I must admit the grrls there are awesomeeeeeeeeeeee they are all so friendly !

N Day

Well tomorrow is N day..."N"ext part of my journey day....as of tomorrow night I will have some real starting figures...I am doing a fitness test in the evening and also seeing the slim coach who will weigh and measure...I will then also do 40 minutes of cardio. Its also time to get my head around the fact this is no longer a choice....this is no longer something in 2 weeks time I can go off to eat a pile of kfc..and I think now my head is in the right head space...its taken me a long time to get to this point prolly about 9 months LOL shows you if you ahve one bad day dont let it turn into 2 days,,,,cos ultimately that turns into 9 months or even longer. Realistically I should have been more focused on the weight loss journey after my lil episode at royal adelaide hospital but instead I had the opposite reaction which to be honest dumbfounds me. I also need to start letting go of other peoples opinions...some people cant stay a positive word,....if they notice you losing or doing better its always folowed by "you just got to keep it up" WELL FREAKIN DUH !! I have a friend I met online about 8 years ago...anyway we been great friends all this time even if she is a yank lol...anyway last friday I email her just telling her about my day and told her I went back to the gym and she sent me a short repy "Im so proud of you, you'll do great" dunno why people cant be positive like that?

Okies well off I go...

have a good nite all =]

Sorer with every minute that passes...

Well I am certainly feeling the consequences of yesterday (but all in a good way) I am really quite sore, my thighs, arms, and shoulders are aching more as each minute passes...but obviously its a good pain...so all is good.

I am feeling very motivated...for these 3 days I have to eat normal and record everything I am guessing its to see your bad habits...where your weaknesses lie etc...but I have still been eating pretty good but I am keeping in mind to be honest.

I am planning to go for a walk after dinner tonite...should be cool enough by about 7.30pm. I feel very good and motivated about things...if it wasnt 39 degrees Id feel friggin better tho LOL lawdie bring on that cool change...okies off I go =]

Choose Your Attitude

^^^^ Thats a good saying eh? Well Im gonna make it my mantra...well I decided on 2 mantras choose your attitude and i LOVE the gym...Im gonna believe both of those =]

What a FABULOUS DAY !!! Well I headed off to the gym...I firstly did 28.5 minutes on the treadmill...at a speed of 5 and grade of .5 on the treadmill. I then did a PT session with my new trainer "teri" and she was great. She was tough as but at the end she sat down with me and asked me about my goals....which I told her...to lose 70 kilos...she then told me to do 3 cardio sessions per week for 30 minutes and my weight sessions...she said later down the track I may be wise to increase it to two weight sessions per week...but not for the moment. Then I was working out my plan etc with the gym and this girl came over to me...she works at the gym and was like oh you are having the same dietician as me...she then told me she has lost 65 kilos...and has another 25 kilos to lose. She then said to me keep me updated on ur results and I will keep you udated...it was really motivating...I officially start with the dietician and PT trainer on the 27th...but I still have a PT session they owe me and I am getting a complimentary dietician session...and as they will be closed for 4 days over easter...it doesnt seem a big drama...

Yesterday my old friend from school tracy emailed me...she is turning 40 in late may...and she is having a 80's party at our old hang out (the old lion) so I have a short term goal to focus on. I know Im close to 150 kilos at the moment...Im determined to go to the party under 140 kilos and feeling fabulous...so thats the short term goal.

Okies my feet are really aching...so I am off to put them up and relax...have a good night all =]

Well I rang fernwood fitness centre...I made 2 appointments for friday....friday I have a appointment with their dietician and then I have a personal training session...in some ways I couldnt have picked a worse week as we are in a "heatwave" Not supose to be cool till at least wednesday....which would be so easy to put off everything for a few weeks but NU UH not happening ! Friday is the next stage in this journey.

My wunderful sister posted me dr phils book which I will hopefully get friday which I am so grateful for and a HUGE bonus I really feel that just trying to stick to points and not doing anything else was NEVER going to be successful for me...I am like the queen of secluding myself...and so going to the gym will be good for me...as Joe at work said to me...not only did I look healthier when I went to the gym...I was happier.

I did a glucose test at work today...a blood glucose test the reading should be between 4 and 8 and mine was 4.8 which is regarded as "ideal" which is good. I also asked some of the ww girls on the forum to post their menu plans...and they all really eat only a minimum amount of processed foods...so I really am going to focus on that too.

OKies off to watch biggest loser !

PS Tania I will email you on the weekend with some dates Im free...possibly in april as I have my weekends off that month

well Ive made some decisions ! Firstly I went to curves last night...they weighed me and Im ashamed to say I weighed in at over 150 kilos...they basically wanted me to pay $126 on the spot...which I didnt have at that point so I felt quite pressured but left without signing up. Initially I thought Ill sign up in a few weeks time when I have the cash...but then got thinking...I have my fernwood membership which I am paying anyway and its only the basic membership but its $40 a fortnight so really silly to pay for curves as well. So shortly I am going to ring up fernwood...I am pretty sure I still even have about 3 personal training sessions available...so will call them up and make a appointment hopefully for friday afternoon and hopefully with a personal trainer...if I tackle this all head on hopefully I will start to make some REAL headway. So I feel actually quite excited about doing this now...which is a super good start. I also watched dr phil last nite and it was a episode with a chick wanting to lose 210 pounds...and he was like have u read my book??? (which she hadnt) and I remembered that when I did good I would read dr phils book regularly especially the chapter on negative thinking...so I will get his book this week and get stuck into reading that as well...I really wanna do this and get way way way under 150 kilos

Well I think things are starting to move in the right direction. Tonight I am going to curves to have a chat to them and look around. And friday I have a appointment at 10.30am to do the assessment for the medicare rebate for counselling - so fingers crossed there. Last nite went out to dinner with mum and she was like you "need" something...her suggestion was to join a group or a club or something...so I think first thing I will rejoin pink sofa this week. I think maybe having a long term goal would help too...maybe something for the end of the year...like a holiday...Im pondering that one...I think thats half my problem I somehow in the last 4-5 months lost my enjoyment for life. Anyone who knows me well knows I have a habit of being a bit of a recluse...hiding away from living....so I go to work and home and well not much else...which ultimately leads me to start to go into the american chat rooms...which the more I do that the more comfortable I get with not living life. So this week on friday I will hopefully get my hair cut as well...and start to get back in the world of living lol...okies off to do some work enjoy all =]

Well...its been a huge few days....lets see....wednesday morning I woke feeling flu-ish and my joints were aching so didnt go to work that day,,,by 7pm that nite my right wrist was swollen...I could barely move it and had a lump on it...so back to the docs I go....who sent me off to xrays to make sure nothing was broken (nothing was) to tell me that its a inflamation of some kind - dont u love when doctors are vague? Ive taken a few nurofen since then and panadeine forte and its a lot better now...still sore at times...but i can do most things now (gawd I wont even try and describe the circus of me trying to put on my bra on thursday LOL)

Well yanno I have come to some conclusions..1. i CANNOT give up...i just refuse to go back to 170 kilos. I posted on the ww forum today...saying how I wanna lose the weight yet I dont seem able to string good weeks together etc etc and one thing one of the grrls said was you just gotta let go of stuff...and for me thats prolly pretty accurate...chit did happen in the past and I am going to get counselling for it...but at the same time I am punishing myself...they see no wrong in anything they have done and their life goes on...but for me I am struggling so I need to lose the focus. Also I was reading my journal today and I realised when I was doing good with my weight I was always busy...whether it was cooking...or hairdressers appointments...or to the gym...or out with tania or felicity I was busy....I was also not in the american chat rooms much (which Ive been in a lot for the last 3 or 4 months) so I NEED to cut back on that...maybe Ill renew pink sofa so if I do gotta go online its to a place that can help me with my real life. My appointment was set for monday with curves and I was thinking of cancelling but now have decided I need this, altho I wont start going for a week or so due to my wrist. But back on track in the morning and for the first time in a week will hop on those scales tomorrow. I am also gonna give thought to doing core...more I watch biggest loser more I see I should steer away from processed foods...but lets do this one step at a time. Tomorrow I am going to get stuck into doing some unpacking...I was going to lunch with tania....but I really feel like I need a day of some hard work...and I need to do some work on getting my head straight...okies...gonna go off to watch some seinfeld before bed....have a good weekend all