Well I actually feel like I have taken a good step. I mentioned in my last entry that I needed to tell my sister something before posting on here. I spoke to her last night...half told her what I had to tell her...and she finished of my story...she already knew...so this huge secret I have kept for about 25 years she already knew. The crux of it being that on the night my father was buried...whilst in my bed a uncle came in...slid in my bad...and touched my breast, this was followed by the person I told about it...not believing me, I must admit it played on my mind today altho not necessarily in a bad way. It was clarifying to know that i was believed by someone (as we talked we realised she saw him in my bed) it also made me realise thru our chats that counselling isnt actually a want...I think its a need. So I will go for the counselling assessment and go from there. I think right at this moment I will focus on that more so then my weight loss...cos I think this is the first step I need resolved. And once done I will hopefully have more luck with my weight loss.

My 2 good friends from work who I have discussed a lot with my relationships with my family...I talked to them about it (gay bois are such great confidants!) they were both like you really need to do this so I am very resolved now on the counselling...its not a thought process...I am going to do it...I also need to look into my private health for what they would cover as well. When I went to lunch today...I walked past one of the grrls jamie...she was like...were are u off too? im like the loo....shes like but i see your wallet in ur hand...i said yeh gonna grab some lunch after that...so she went off to her desk...i go to the loo...walk around the corner...theres jamie again...im like where are you going? shes like i was coming to the lunch room to find you...you seem sad today so was gonna come and give u some grrl company LOL i didnt realise i wasnt my normal self...altho I knew my brain was thinking thinking...was really quite cute of her lol...i then referred to her as my stalker for the rest of the day. I do feel better tonight tho after a very restless nights sleep...so not even 9pm and off to sleep shortly.

When I rang my sister last nite my 3 year old niece was so cute...she answers the phone and im like...do u know who this is? she goes no...im like...aunty kazz and next thing out of her mouth is "will you come and stay at my house?" followed very shortly by you can come pick me up after kindy lol...shes cute as...unfortunately shes 6 hours away =[ still cute as hell tho lol

This easter I am like going to be a normal person ! we are getting good friday, easter saturday and easter monday off...I only have to work sunday...which is awesome and of course we earn double time on those days cos of it being actual rdos soooooooooo woooo hooooo big pay packet will be headed my way.

Okies....off I go...enjoy all

Dang I just read tanias comment in my lost entry and had to run over to her journal to check why shes pissed at curves lol...thats so weird tania,,,,cos when I quit to go to fernwood I had to pay one payment that was all. I did contemplate going back to fernwood but to be honest going all the way in the city is a damn pain in the ass.

Who watched biggest loser tonite? Of course I paid the most attention when jillian was on *sniggers* but I actualy found her talk with carriane quite thought provoking and I could really relate. And it got me thinking. I really started to put on weight when my dad got sick, before that growing up I ate good. Mum cooked healthy meals, there was no such things as neighbourhood takeaway stores where we lived and we rarely bought lunch at school. Then dad got sick and our life quite dramatically changed and pretty much revolved around school, homework, eating, sleeping and visiting the hospital - guess which one I enjoyed the most???? I remember taking pocket money to school and buying apple turnovers for recess. And it was around 13 when I started to put on weight. That was actually quite a intense time in my life...I mean its intense for any 13 or 14 year old...but I also had a very ill parent...I remember I was a complete pain in my mums ass. I resented a lot of things...I hated going to the hospital twice a day on weekends, I hated that I could not sit at home on a weeknight and watch sons & daughters and a country practice, I was a ass of a teenager and on more then one occassion swore at my mum...I remember getting in a fight with I presume mum at the hospital once and storming out in a huff and a nurse coming after me...and telling me how its been discussed maybe I should see a counsellor...which of course I said no too...was no way in hell I was gonna talk to someone about everything (mmmm can we mention I was a stubborn pain in the ass lol) of course not taking up that offer is now something I really regret...I really shouldve taken up the offer and got rid of a lot of my anger. Then my dad passed...and well then something happened which is prolly something i have never FULLY dealt with..I wont discuss it here...well not yet....its prolly something I need to tell my sister face to face (dont panic kerry and send me a email making sure I am ok...Im fine lol) but its prolly something that Id want to tell her and not have her read on here. I really think the emotional side of it is what would make things click with me...I went to the docs the other day,,,and he has put me back on metaformin and I am also going to go in for a assessment to see if I can get a medicare subsidy for counselling with a psychologist. Not for anyone specific thing but mostly to help me with my weight loss and work on any emotional issues.

Not too long till I go to curves...one week...then I plan on going to curves on monday, wednesday and fridays. Tuesday and thursday I plan on walking. And really the focus needs to go more on my fitness and measurements and less on the scales.

Tomorrow is a big day at work...out of 170 or so workers 4 people got selected to go to a forum on the DSL product and I got selected to go...so thats kinda exciting.

Okies off I go ... gonna go watch my new seinfeld dvd weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well hello all =] Its cooled down thankfully...so cool that last nite at home I was like I need to go have a shower to warm up lol The scales went up about 200 grams overnight but im not stressing too much over it as I did have a spicey meal last night (actually had lamb ribs in yiros seasoning...spicy and yummi - but prolly not so good for me lol)

I am off this weekend so planning to go out shopping. I have a westfield voucher which expires end of this month so think i better go spend it before it expires. Apart from that...gonna be a pretty quiet weekend. I ahvet done any exercise this week...the intention is that but yeh im slack LOL...im not too fussed tho...got my appointment with curves in 10 days or so.

Not a lot else going on...enjoy ur thursday all

Well if you all recall I had two goals this week...firstly, to make it back to the second weigh in, secondly to lose 500 grams and 3rdly to get under 145 kilos...well 2 out of 3 aint bad eh? lol I lost 500 grams I am quite happy about it. I went from a morning to a evening weigh in. It was stinking hot...and actually felt quite ill while weighing in...and took about a hour to recover. But i feel good that i stringed two losses in a row together...now we need to make it 3 losses in a row. So I have 3 goals this week...

1. drink 750 mls water per day
2. walk 30 minutes every day
3. Have a loss (will aim for 500 grams)

So my losses are now back at 25.6 kilos which is not too shabby at all. The weather here is stinking hot...i hope i sleep all right tonite...a cool change is due in tomorrow afternoon/evening - thanks gawd ! Saturday I am planning on going to arndale...I have a $50 voucher that ive had for 10 months which expires end of this month so really have to go spend it. So im planning to go to big w...buy some nice smelling bath stuff since im having baths so often here. My sister bought me these rose bath beads at xmas but ive used about a third already. I will also look at some tops and i will need some leggings or track pants for curves and also harris scarfe has wiltshire knives on special so will go look at them.

Okies its late and im so beat from this heat...so off to sleep i go...ni ni all =]

Well for fawks sake !! (pardon my language if u have tender ears lol) but this heat is soooooooooo revolting. I really am over summer but I must admit you wouldnt believe its 38outside in my house...the a/c hasnt been on once this weekend...but...a lil cooler inside would be nicer...of course.

I am VERY ontrack =] Sneaked a peak at the scales and tomorrow night I should have a "happy" weigh in...My goal this week was simply to make it thru week 2 and not gain but to aim for 500 kilos....and I am pretty damn positive I will make that goal...and I really feel fabulous about it...I feel more psyched then i have for a long time. Tonight I am going out for dinner,,,they always have a pasta special dish so whatever that is I will have. If after I get home from dinner if its not too warm and not too late I will go out for a walk. I ahve started doing arm punches and steps. I did 300 arm punches, yesterday I did nothing cos it was too damn hot...exercise wise that is. I am noticing that coming down my stairs is getting easier on my knees too which is good.

I have got approved for some leave in april...17th to the 27th....I may go to streaky bay but the main aim is to finish getting this house unpacked. I was reading my journal today and realise I have heaps of clothes I bought last autumn that must be in one of the boxes cos I havent seen them...and theres still about 10 boxes to unpack. Tonight I should be getting my new puter desk and computer chair weeeeeeeeee I can start to then get the computer room organised.

Okies need to go finish getting dressed I will be back here either monday night or tuesday morning to update my weigh in results.....wish me luck !

Well how motivated and CONFIDENT about this plan am i getting??? awesomely if i do say so myself lol...i have decided to set a few goals...when i lose 5 kilos since i rejoined ww i get a hairdressers appointment...get to 10 kilos i get to join pink sofa again. I was reading posts in my journal from sept/oct 2006 and i went thru the same wanderings about my social life and pink sofa back then and decided initially it was better to wait and make sure my head was in the right place for my weight loss first so im going to stick to that. I am also going to go back to doing 200 steps per day, when i was doing that last year I was having solid losses so will give that a try starting tonight.

So its friday YAY i work 6 days straight this week so have been hanging out for this weekend. Before work this morning i was walking around the house singing "its friday its friday" lol only downer about it is its supposed to be 36 both saturday and sunday. I have no plans apart from dinner sunday night. So plan on staying indoors and TRYING to stay cool. I have my new nicci french book which i started yesterday so i am envisaging a few hours soaking in the tub reading. But no real plans maybe some cross stitch, and some playing gammon, so nice and relaxing.

Okies off i go to do some work =]

Well who likes valentines day? cant say im a huge fan...altho that could have something to do with my VERY single status. A partner of course is one of my goals. I am trying to stop the negative self talk. Over the last several months I have said to myself quite regularly...im too set in my ways for a partner...im too old now...im too content with single life. There is definitely a scaredness there of getting involved with someone. Life is "easy" being single...has none of the dramas that a partnership has...i am never arguing with someone...im never insecure or anything and i think that brings that thought that i am content...but it also doesnt bring any of the good stuff a relationship brings. The problem is whenever I do start to get close to someone I start to feel like soemthing is wrong...like i have a worry on my mind but i cant pinpoint what it actually is. I mentioned this to my mum awhile ago and she wondered if it was a panic attack. I think I am going to renew my pink sofa membership...sometime in the next week or so...im kinda tentative about it...i want to yet i dont. One minute i think yeh do it...the next i wanna not think about it LOL

I rang curves yesterday and rebooked my appointed for 2nd march as they have delayed the opening by one week. But the appointment is booked.

I am thinking of buying my own domain for my journal...and doing work on it and keeping that more of a tool for motivation.

Hmmm not much else to say...enjoy all =]

My jillian michaels book i bought off ebay arrived yesterday. So every spare second at the moment my nose is stuck in it. The first part of the book is about "self" so your mind etc...she gives suggestions like meditating in the morning and at night focusing on your goals. So far im finding the book very interesting. Today and next 2 days I am going to go for a 30 minute walk each day after work. I wont on the weekend cos its supposed to be 36 both days. So I am also trying to practice a lot of positive self talk and so far so good.

I am hungry as crap at the moment...the shift im on this week is 11.30am-7.30pm...and the meal break is at 3.30pm which means a late lunch...ive been trying to balance it out by having my breakfast a lil later...and today i am starving...altho just had a break and a muesli bar so i should make it to 3.30pm seeings thats only a hour and a quarter away.

Just bumped into a girl from work who joined curves about 7 weeks ago, she was saying she has only lost 600 grams but lost 21 centimetres..so i need to remember this....curves told her it would prolly be about 3 months till the scales really start moving. Which makes sense cos when i joined last time i lost 700 grams in the first month but 27 centimetres. She was saying tho someone she knows from curves has lost 35 kilos in 13 months but in the first 3 months she actually gained 3 kilos...so i need to start to adjust in my head that march and most likely april the losses will be small if im going to curves...i dont think i will let that put me off tho. I have a appointment to see them on 2/3/08.

Not a lot else going on...enjoy ur wednesday all =]

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yay me....3.3 kilos !!! Taking me to a total loss of 25.1 kilos and taking me down to 145.8 kilos. I have also set a long term goal for december 30 this year of 113.6 kilos...which is to lose 700 grams per week. Which would be awesome. The other goal this week is 3 walks for 30 minutes each...which I will do my first one when I get home from work tomorrow night. I am still contemplating joining curves...i think it is a right decision for me but decisions decisions.

Work makes a yummii curried rice salad...which i am having with some chicken for dinner tonite...its delectable - yum yum yum

Okies not a whole lot else to say...off i go to work =]

So heres the things...there was a post on the ww forum about what u wanna do when you get to goal...i added my lil list...things like travelling, dating and maybe meeting the one, knee high boots that will do up lol now some who answered this thread said "why are you waiting till goal for those things" now last year, mid last year i did a few things like i got my pink sofa account activated and went out meeting people, i was also getting my hair done, eyebrows waxed etc etc. And i wondered if thta contributed to me going off track cos i was so into my social life. So in december i didnt reactivate my pink sofa account and my hair hasnt been coloured for months...i initially thought...time to focus simply on my weight loss. The social life has to wait and well id prolly have more luck once ive trimmed down more anyway...i think 6 months of complete dedication to primarily to my weight loss is a good tactic yet at the same time i wonder if by not doing those things i am not rewarding myself and not taking advvantage of life...so things like my pink sofa membership i am wondering about (prolly was prompted by someone sending me a generic "hello" message this morning which i obviously cant currently reply too but maybe i should reactivate the account...decision decisions)

Ok will think on it...will update after my weigh in tomorrow

Let me just say - its a hell of a long time since i have felt this motivated...its great ! I went to bed early last nite and listened to the rest of Jillians podcast...(man that woman is sexii haha) and then today i went to her website...and actually joined it...it gives workout plans...so i am going to try it..she also has a lot of articles about the mind which i have found really interesting...and she has a blog on it she updates too with suggestions etc..tonight i am going to do the first session and if i get tired im gonna hear her say "don't you dare give up on me" lol

Food wise today could have turned into a drama but it hasnt ! I am working today and forgot to bring breakfast...i was in a lazy mood and was early so was planning a up and go...but forgot it...so temptation would have been to stop in to mcdonalds...but i didnt instead i ate my banana that i had thankfully bought...i then had a ww meal for lunch and a muesli bar just a few minutes ago, and tonight I am going out for dinner...I will prolly have a slice of raisin toast when i get home from work so i dont go out to dinner starving. Normally of course this would have been a perfect excuse to break the plan...but yay me i didnt =] On J's website too she mentions taking up a hobby, something you enjoy and as it turns out yesterday my mum bought a stack of x-stitch kits and gave me the choice of one...so I have it at home. I use to x stitch a lot and have numerous framed x-stitches hanging in my house...so will get back into that. So from now on wh3enever i want to break the plan and eat something bad im gonna try and train myself to think...would J want me eating that???

I am loving this weather at the moment...i was seriously seriously over the heat so i am so glad its gone

And weigh in for biggest loser tonite...they say on the add we will be surprised by who leaves...so all very interesting...okies...enjoy ur sunday all =]

Well its really been a weekend of quite a bit of thinking and uh-huh moments. Someone emailed me yesterday saying that when they saw my loss on the ww forum it inspired them last year (they have since done awesome with their weight loss) and i think it was something i needed to hear...i think i have focused so much on not maintaining or continuing with my weight loss instead of thinking i did good...i stopped myself before putting it all back on (i mean im still 21.8 kilos lighter then when i initially went to ww in august 2006) its a long long time since ive had a nice comment in relation to my weight loss...so it was quite humbling...but it was a HUGE reminder.

I downloaded a jillian michaels podcast last nite. I think shes awesome and has a incredible energy about her...anyway she has a radio station in the states and u can download her podcasts...so i got her podcast and listened to it last night for 30 minutes while marching on the spot while holding arm weights.

I think im also again starting to focus on what the weight loss can give me...that future...where i can travel if i want...meet a partner (this is a huge goal for me) i think when i was not eating good i was saying to friends...im too old to get involved with someone now...im too set in my ways....im content with being single....and yeh i am content....but im NOT happy with that part of my life...when i was with my ex...there was a happiness you can only get when your with someone who just makes you happy...and i do want that again. one day LOL

I will be weighing in on tuesday morning so tuesday afternoon I will update the journal again with my weight loss...ive been good...altho today ive picked a lil...but only gone over by about 4 points and i have been very very good this week...and had already saved 1.5 points plus i would have prolly earnt 2 points yesterday so im not too concerned, okies work tomorrow so im off to make a salad for lunch tomorrow...then a shower before i call it a early nite =]

Well things are going good. I have been fully on track and also tracking ! (dont die of shock tania lol) I sneaked a peak at the scales today and things are moving in the right diection. Even managed to have a yiros and stay within points. Tonight I am going to cook a nice pot of bolognaise. Tomorrow I am off altho sunday I am working and tomorrow I am going out garage saleing. Which is always a bit of exercise. not really a hell of a lot to write...so will get back to work...enjoy your weekend all =]

Well i went back to meetings last night and so glad i did. I walked in and the leader remembered me then the girl taking the money i realised was the girl who used to be the weigher at my old meeting when i lost 34 kilos...she was always so supportive so i took that as a good sign ! And so far very very good...had soy & linseed toast with vegemite for breakfast and lunch was 2 slices of soy & lin seed bread with chicken and a salad made of baby spinich leaves, a lil cheese, cherry tomatoes, parsley and cucumber was all very yummii. I have 15.5 points left...so a banana for my next snack and then my low fat carbonara recipe for dinner tonite..should all round out a good day.

I found out today i got selected for a forum...only 5 customer service reps are going and i am one of them...so yay me ! Its on the same day as I am going to see curves so should be a good day all round. Someone wanted the day off on sunday...so i did a shift swap (so i can get some double time money LOL) so i have thursday and saturday off this week.

Okies off i go back to work =]

Well after a weekend of overindulging and a lot of thinking i am going back to ww. I think my problem is i listen to others too much. I have some friends I work with...one is superhealthy...he doesnt eat any junk food...low carbs, protien and fruit and vegetables. And he has been saying to me for a while.."you need to get out of the weight watchers mode" and i have listened to him too much...Not saying his views are wrong..but weight watchers works for me...its worked for me to lose 34 kilos and NO OTHER way has managed to do that. So in preparation while biggest loser was on i have cooked some marinated chicken pieces (3 points for 150 grams) and also made up salad to go with it...which I will have for lunch tomorrow with 2 pieces of soy and linseed bread...and then after work I will go back to ww and weigh in. Who watched biggest loser?? Was such a tease it only being on a hour tonight...but im really looking forward to the season.

My old place I lived in i never took baths. The tub wasnt long enuff. I took my first one here last nite was sooooooooooooo nice. The bathroom with the bath is upstairs...where its beautiful and cool...the ceiling is like 4 metres high....and a slight breeze comes in...and so quiet....could not here anything but my tv and so lay there for like a hour reading my book...loved it...and so of course...tonite i had another LOL

I am so over summer...I need some kewler weather....and wooo hoooo greys anatomy back on next sunday night...okies off i go...enjoy the week all =]

PS tania...ive lost your email addy....can you email me when you get a chance so we can try and organise a catchup???