Well some good news ! My working times have changed so the latest I finish now is 8pm ! omg thats like normal...i am so glad this last lot of working till 11pm and then the next week starting at 8.30am really knocked me around. So i can pretty much once this new roster starts (25/8) set me a bedtime of 11pm and really get into a routing with that. A lot at work arent happy but i say hell yeh...take the weekend work away from us too lol...will have to wait and see if that ever happens !

I have made a appointment with a new doctor for tuesday. I wanna talk to him about counselling and my weight loss. And get a good idea of what he/she thinks i should be doing. I also went to the contours website and saw they give away a free 3 day trial. The nearest contours to me is about 3 streets away so I filled out the form for the free pass.

Also logging my food in on HBC's website...and all looking good in regards to that !

Okies not a lot else to say...I do feel rather good that I am putting some actions into place - im outta here !

Gotta love emotional eating eh? After yesterdays gain then my brain going in overdrive I ended up eating crap most of today. Tonight I decided to get back on to thinks and just had a chick, low fat cheese and baby spinich leaves sandwich (trust me I prolly didnt even need this !) So where am i at...welllllllllllllllllllllll I have decided a couple of things....one i really think i need counselling i think ive known that for a while...and there isprolly even a part of me still apprehensive...but i did email a psychologist from pink sofa and i think i will go to the doctor...but a NEW doctor...theres one locally so i think next week when i have my days off i will go and have a chat. Im also thinking about a lot of things...but one thing i am thinking about is my surname....in a nutshell when my mum married her second husband me and my sister changed our surname to his surname. My sister has since married. But this is something thats been on my mind for quite a while and i just feel changing my surname was a unwise decision...of course changing my surname may cause my mum not to be too happy....and that in all honesty if it wasnt for my mum i would change it back...it is something i wanna do...but if i do it...its something i need to tread carefully about doing. We will have to wait and see.

I have decided to stop going to ww and i am going to use the healthybodyclub and see how i go. Its only $22.50 for 3 months...includes a food diary like i mentioned yesterday, i like their forums. So we will see how it goes...sticking to 2000 calories today. Funny after all this talk about exercise fernwood emailed me today with a advert for a gym membership from $9.95 per month which was kinda funny.

Okies off i go....time to go get organised for bed...ill weigh in tomorrow morning with my scales and then every wednesday morning !

Too much thinking...

Well not happy ! Woke up this morning and jumped on the scales...and am up 400 grams. After showing a loss of 1.4 kilos a few days ago i wasnt impressed. So i didnt go to ww i just cant bring myself to go when I know i am going to have a loss. So now my brain is in overdrive over a few things...one is i am now noticing since i have returned every second week i am having a gain. Which makes no sense to me. I did everything i should yesterda...drank 1.8 litres of water...the only thing i can think was different is i had a focacia and didnt realise till after it had some type of mustard flavoured sauce on it...by the time i ate it the cafeteria at work was closed so i couldnt even ask to see the bottle to see what was in it (suspect it prolly wasnt good cos it was yummy lol)...now my brain is like the only other thing i ate that i ahvent eaten over the last few weeks is yesterday morning i ate crumpets. (only 2) so after i weighed in i went to my emails and there was a email from ajay from the healthybodyclub asking for a survey to be done and then i decided out of curiousity to look at her site (the site i previously looked at that was $160 to join) so i nosied around and saw she had a 3 month membership for $22 and so thought bugger it ill join...so there is a introuductory after you sign up of things she suggests and of course she suggests exercise...including cardio & weight bearing...so now my brain is thinking and prolly over thinking...i am so scared of gyms due to the fact ive never had success with them...i think if i went and i lost it would be a different story...now im glad i quit fernwood it was way too expensive ($280 a month !) but there is a contours that is a 10 minute walk if that from my place that im now starting to think maybe i should consider...its only $59 a month big difference and from what i see on their sites theres bikes and treadmills as well as the weights...but there is a part of me that would be scared that going to a gym would COMPLETELY stall me...then i think maybe i should hire a treadmill...but theyre not small contraptiions and i really dont have the room for one. so now my head is in a state of confusion,,,and then again maybe i should just accept that every 2nd week ill have a gain? I mean bottom line i am doing much better then i have for a long time with not losing every week im not throwing the towel in...im actually liking drinking water lately and downing it easily...im eating vegetable soup each day...okies me and my over thinking brain are out of here ! enjoy all !


*****************************

Its later now and i am in think overdrive still lol...im starting to realise i wanna embrace this...when i think about it my food is good...im really eating well...better then ever....my water intake has always sucked but its so good now...i truly am finding it so easy to down 1.2-1.8 litres a day...but my daily activity hasnt changed...exercise hasnt been there...and even my days have encompassed sitting on the lounge more then anything...i need and more importantly want to embrace the whole change which i havent before...i know i need to do this now....and i need to not jsut with exercise but with my day i run my day need to be more active...doing more...cutting back on my time online i suspect...but more so then think i need to stop being lazy or sitting on the internet or whatever i need to focus on what i am going to DO...on the positive things even if they dont feel positive. Lately life has started to feel very much like work...eat...sleep and thats about it....nothing to feel excited about .... its all very ho hum...so i do need to get some excitement back in my life...maybe joining contours is the way to go as i would at least meet local people as well as being doing something thats not just eat sleep and work...okies more to think about off to work for now !

***************************************

Gawd im back again can you believe it? My brain is seriously in overdrive today. Ive spent a fair bit of time on the the healthybodyclub.com today and must admit i am impressed with it...their forums chit all over the ww forums...not only do they stick to the topic of weight loss they have lots of experts on the forums...they have a psychologist, fitness trainer and dietician that ajay has on staff that answer queries. So anyway i posted on their about my dilemas on the exercise one...someone answered and said i should be eating about 2000 calories based on my stats...(which is how much the biggest loser club told me i should be eating too incidently) so whilst today i was under 27 points....when i put it into their diary system it came up as just over 2300 calories...it also breaks it up and shows you what proportion is carbs - protein and fats and nearly 1000 calories i have eaten today has been carbs ! They also suggest to try walking 30 minutes per day initially so i think i will start doing that.

My brain is also in overdrive about something else...which i wasnt gonna post but i need to make sense of it. I live alone...and as most know i go into chat. Now .... there is definitely a aspect of my life that is lonely and the living alone compounded with doing crazy shift work really does make it hard to meet people. So in a sense i do really on my chat program....in it i have numerous friends...and i do get some enjoyment from it...anyway quite a few months ago i met someone on their who wasnt local. We would chat...i found her easy to chat with and all was good...i liked her and liked her company. Anyway late last week...she told me she has a "interest" in me...is keen to know me better...i was like...well ok...yeh sure we can get to know each other better....i didnt really see any harm in it...yes its not someone who is here in my real (but lets face it long time since i have had someone in my real) but yanno its some companionship except the fact that i now feel like somethings wrong...and i know im gonna now need to tell her...ok your nice and all but thats that...which is fine im not after some relationship online but it does make me wonder why i get like that? Have i hermitted myself so much and become so independent that being close to someone scares the bejeezus out of me? I mean since ang ive not been close to anyone online or in real...so...i dunno...its a weird feeling and not a feeling i like....okies seriously no more posting today ! off to do some more work ! lol

Well another week starts...how exciting LOL...this is a long week for me...i work 4 days...have wednesday off then work another 4 days...but happily i have monday-thursday off next week. I am planning to go into katies on one of those days and buy some new clothes. They have 2 levels and on the top level they have reduced items (sometimes as cheap as $5 a item) so will prolly do that one day, a bit of baking and just some relaxing pottering around the house.

Weigh in tomorrow and am expecting a nice solid loss - how good will this be - 2 losses in a row ! GO ME !!! so fingers crossed a loss does appear on those scales and of course as long as the loss is at least 200 grams I will hit 5 kilos and if its 600 grams or more I will be under 150 kilos woooo hoooo !!! so we will see how it goes.

Not a lot else going on except work, sleeping and eating LOL

PS nat - id love that chicken and corn soup recipe if you could send it to me ! thanks !

Okies off to do some work !

vegetable soup !!!!

OMFG !!!! Right about now I am in total shock...yesterday i made vegetable soup from the 1st ww book but also added spinich too it...I whipped it thru the blender so was just a thick soup but no chunky bits, bought it to work today and ate it and enjoyed it ! OMFG IM STUNNED ! Those who dont know I have awful terrible vegetable phobias (erm corn, peas and beans pop in ur mouth yanno!) I never eat vegetables I will chop up capsicum and mushies and onions in a pasta dish and ill have pasta dishes with spinich in it but thats it....so anyway made the soup...went to heat it at lunch time and said to everyone while eating lunch...watch me pull faces...well damn I liked it ! It was so damn nice...this is such a HUGE deal for me...vegetables have always been my demon...and yes they were all blended but i got the vitamins ! I am a happy girl ! okies off I go...felt like shouting this news from the rooftops hehe

Well damn proud right about now ! Wanted kfc tonite...gawd I so could freaking taste that chicken dripping in oil melting in my mouth lol but I resisted and instead pulled out steggles chicken breast fillets and a lil ww ice cream. So feeling very proud took a sneak peak at the scales and well we know I fluctuate all over the place...lol...but things are looking good...lets hope it stays at this till at least tuesday i sooooooooo wanna get under 150 kilos and reach my first 5 kilos since going back to ww this week.

On my day off today and has been lovelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slept in till 8.15am then got up...and just spent the day at home...Ive been so tired this week. Going from 11pm finishes to being at work 8.30am has knocked me around so that sleep in was very welcome. Tomorrow morning when I wake I am going to do the grocery shopping...I already have a shopping list written, have been thru my recipe books so have all the ingredinets on my list for a couple of recipes out of the STGTBT books and also gonna get recipes to make a big pot of the point free soup...so I can make more of a effort to get my vegies in each day. I bought some lovely bread rolls from coles this week...they were brown...with pumpkin, sunflower seeds and rye so yummii hopefully I can get some more this week...and I can have them with the soup for lunch this week.

Okies people off I go ... if not before I will be back monday night/tuesday with my weigh in result !

1.4 kilos !!!!

yay babeeee hows that for a nice solid loss ! It actually would have been a lot lower except i drank 2 litres of water today and weighed in this evening but suffice to say i was very happy after weeks of stupid fluctuating. So I am now at a total loss altogether of 20.4 kilos and 4.8 kilos since i went back to ww. The other good news is my leader is changing on tuesday mornings ! My fave leader is gonna be taking over the tuesday morning so im wrapped with that. I had to go to the monday evening meeting this week....and gawd i hated it...the LEADER discussed movies...and kept bringing up that sex for 30 minutes is 6 points....i just thought the whole meeting was rowdy and really more could have been gotten out of those 30 minutes. But anyways...most of my meetings will be with christina (yay) okies off for some dinner !

Todays Ramblings

Okay those who know me know i am pretty stubborn...i have certain "laws" i go by in my life...and as dr phil would say their deal breakers. That said i can be an opinionated ass when i want to be...and i make no apologies for that. I debated and debated over whether to write this post then thought nah shove it its my blog ill say what i damn well please *smirks*

Anyways as you may have gathered by the title i have a bee in my bonnet about something. Have you ever noticed when we start losing weight some become the all know all on weight loss? How many times have i posted on ww forums...something along the lines of im struggling but still here...to have some lil upstart who has just got back from their first meeting having lost a few kilos and then decides to tell ME what i should be doing ! Now im not a great know all either but i have managed to lose and keep off to date nearly 20 kilos so i dont think the whole newbie approach of telling me what to do will work (oh the number of times i have to click the X on the ww forums so i dont get me and my mouth in trouble lol) its also even those who have been doing it awhile...successful or mildly successful or whatever we suddenly think we can tell others what they are doing wrong...and that we have been there so we KNOW they havent been honest with themselves...ok people heres my thoughts...its NOT simply input vs output...yes a huge amount of it is the food you put in your mouth....but what about medications people may be taking? what about ill advice they may be getting? dealing with emotional issues? real life stresses? where your head is at? i know scientifically it is simply about what u put in ur mouth but we all know sooooo much can impact this weight loss. If you are doing well with your weight loss...hurrah, terrific i am so so so glad for you (honestly i am !) but remember we shouldnt judge till we have walked a mile in someone elses shoes. Now altho i am not taking this personally....simply dont judge someone else...no one knows what i am going thru just like i dont know what someone else is going thru. Being tolerant is a wonderful quality and while u may be doing great today can you GUARANTEE you will be in 6 months time?

A number of years ago i met a lady online her name is C anyways she is one of the wisest women i ever met...anyway one day i got into a disput with a friend of hers who was bi....basically telling this woman she was confused cos she didnt identify as either gay or straight...now i come to that reasoning cos while coming out i did for a short period of time identify myself as bi till i came to the conclusion u dumb broad u never wanna be with a guy again so just come on out and admit ur a lesbian lol anyway C pulled me aside...and talked to me....that just cos i didnt fully understand a bi woman didnt make them confused it simply made ME confused on the bisexual lifestyle. There are so many difference in life...from someone who is obese...to annorexic...to back white yellow...lesbian...straight...transgender...rich...poor...intelligent..etc etc etc...and one of the greatest personality traits one can have is tolerance...so next time someone isnt doing as well as you or just going about it in a different....dont judge...sit back...listen...you may learn a thing or two. When i first came out i never thought i be attracted to "butch" women...but guess what? I am...the book i am reading at the moment is about a butch woman who as she grew up people would say is she a boy or a girl? she identifies as a he-she...anyway she has a girlfriend in my book and she has decided to take male hormones...and her girlfriend has broken up with her over this....because as the gf says by being with a man (ok a transgendered man) she is giving up her lifestyle as a lesbian...its a real interesting question. If i met someone who decided to take male hormones....would i stay with them? is it like how missy higgins says that "love is fluid" and i would stay with the person cos no matter what i would still love them or the fact id be giving up my identity such a big factor i couldnt do it? Okies gawd i ramble...this is just crap going on in my head so thought id put it down in writing


PS this post is aimed at NO ONE so dont leave defensive comments...and remember this is MY blog...my outlet...so ... simply respect that

okies...over and out (does a army salute !)

Decision time...

Well a quick post before I head off to get ready for work. After much thinking and reading posts on ww forum...i have decided i am going to stop taking metformin for a month and see what happens weightloss wise. I am a couple of kilos lighter then about 5 weeks ago but considering i lost 2.9 kilos the first week thats not good enuff to me. Im convinced the metformin has restricted my weight loss. I also take my last antibiotic on monday so next week will have a decent chance of weight loss. I have a dentist appointment at noon on thursday so hopefully that will sort out the tooth drama. I am also planning to start walking around the block daily as off tomorrow (working till 11pm tonight so cant tonight lol)

Its friday today yayyyyyyyyyy its been a long weekend and we have been real busy...n that combined with working till 11pm every nite im more then ready for a couple of days off...ok off i go....have a good weekend all !

So ugh what a few days...at work last night got called into the office...there they laid out a spreadsheet of my sickleave since i started working at the company...they turned around and said whilst this year my sick leave has been better they had noticed there was some patterns to it...i pointed out to them when i go to ww my sick leave is less and when i got taken off the fixed roster to a rotating roster that made it really hard. So they have told me i can do shift swaps to try and make sure i can get to ww each week. I wasnt in trouble or anything like that they were merely wanting to know what they could do to help me. I also mentioned i prolly need some counselling and they reminded me that work does offer some free counselling sessions...we can have 4 sessions per year so i think i am going to go there and maybe they can suggest on the counselling side what i should do.

Was reading jaxxs entry today was interesting...altho it reminds me of my frustration...apart from the last 2 days my eating has been spot on...altho over the weekend i underate while my mouth was sore...yet i simply seem to fluctuate...this could be due to the fact im on painkillers, antibiotic and metformin. I also havent been exercising...so i think thats where i need to pick up. Ive been drinking 2 litres of water per day (altho not going to the toilet heaps which makes me think i am retaining fluid) i need to start to get off my ass and even this week ive used my sore mouth as a excuse not to exercise (oh have i mentioned i hate exercise? lol) i bought a gym mat last week and i do have the biggest loser dvd and i think i should start doing the dvd...i suspect too much jumping may hurt my mouth but the rest i should be able to do.

I have started rereading dr phils book...im going to very slowly read thru it all and make sure i really take it in. The bit i was reading last nite was all about relaxing and letting go of "i have to lose weight" and coming to the conclusion that i "want to lose weight - that i desire to lose weight" i really do relate to this...cos i completely stress over the scales. I will always weigh daily cos it DOES motivate me but its a double edged sword cos it can frustrate the chit out of me too...so i need to start relaxing more...maybe just think about it all 5 minutes morning and night in a relaxful way.

Im also gonna alter my breakfast a lil...ive been having 2 crumpets for breakfast each day...but i think i mite go back to my weet bix and see how that goes...anyways enuff for today...enoy ur nite all =]

Well was starting to think the abscess was healing nicely. Slept so well last nite and went without painkillers for about 9 hours...even woke during the nite and there was no pain...but this afternoon my jaw is rather sore. The scales have jumped back up showing a gain of around 500 grams...this could be due to the antibiotics and all the medication in my system or the lack of food ive eaten the last couple of days.So far ive only eaten 12.5 points...im going to cook up a nice big bowl of spaghetti bolognaise and ill have some cheese on top and that will push me well over 20 points and a lot closer to what i should be (only ate 16 points yesterday and most of that was bread as its easy for me to eat) but we will keep persevering...the one thing im impressed with is thru all this ive still stuck to the plan. Ive eaten nothing bad in the last 3 weeks and 5 days except for a croissant....which was the morning i went out for coffee with tracy and laura so im rather impressed. Once this tooth drama is resolved (once the antibiotics finish ill go to the dentist...i forsee a bill and a filling in my future lol) Once that is over and done with imma get on with exercising i have my biggest loser dvd and i bought a exercise mat...so no excuses. I have thursday and friday off work next week so ill prolly try and get into the dentist thursday morning.

Ok not a lot else going on...off i go...mite have to go watch a lil more L word lol

Got a dayam abscess

Yep...got a damn abscess in my mouth. Thursday nite i had a toothache,,,,went to sleep....woke up was fine, then yesterday went to eat my lunch a couple of bites into it im in tears and such bad pain. So I rang around trying to get in to a dentist...which of course i couldnt...so out of desperation i made a appointment with my doc hoping for some pain killers. He had a look and said its a abscess,,,,gave me painkillers and antibiotics. I had a pretty restless nice till the 3rd dose of pain killers kicked in....then managed to get some decent sleep. Today its not too bad altho im due now for another dose of pain killers and am starting to feel it. But nowhere near as sore as yesterday.

Weight wise the scales have gone down...so i should be heading for a loss...id say what i think but last time i did the ww scales didnt agree with me so we will wait and see lol Did discuss my weight with the doc. explained all the fluctuatin etc. If after a couple of more months if its not moving....they are going to refer me to a endocrinologist/metabolic dietician...so for now staying on the metformin and staying on plan =]

Okies...a short post....i need more meds and am sleepy...

Well im trying to get my head in the right place....well i kinda thing it is...i spent a lot of time yesterday reading up on metformin (tried to ask on the ww forum about anyone having issues with it n fluid retention but the thread didnt stay on topic...so i did a lot of reading at www.3fatchicks.com which has a section of their forum dedicated to PCOS...i rang and made a appointment with the doc on saturday but im gonna ring back today and ask for a appointment with a female doctor. I am really wondering if I should be taking metformin the doctor was pretty full on about me taking it...but last time i had my insulin tested (only about 3 months ago) i was in the normal range...when i read up on it one of the side effects CAN be weight gain and fluid retention. I took it a couple of years ago but i was taking it in a different way then...i was taking it several times a day...now im taking a slow release one once a day...but i am wondering if maybe i should just not be taking it. The scales are still up by 1.5 kilos today...after lots of reading last nite and thinking Ive kinda come to the conclusion that first off I need to focus on my PCOS. I tend to not take it into account...and I never really think about whats the best thing to do for my PCOS. I know there are some good books out on PCOS with one I know is specifically aimed at the right kind of foods for with PCOS so i am going to go to the bookstore tomorrow and see i I can grab it. I am then going to read it and integrate it with my ww...i may have to look at going on core i suspect. But I will do this one step at a time...firstly I will get the book and then see the doctor and discuss it...its very frustrating to think I am paying ww and eating well and yet gaining. I do sometimes wonder if its my age or what...i cant help but think there is something thats not right....cos this is very similar to what happened at the gym...so anyway ill discuss it with the doc and see what happens from there.

Well im not happy...yesterday when i weighed in and had the lost...i thought yay im on the right track as i didnt manage a series of losses while at the gym. I drank all my water last nite...but noticed i didnt get up during the nite going to the toilet as i prolly should have... i also noticed i got some stomach cramps last nite so my guess is TOM is on the way...but anyway i weighedhis morning n i have gone up by 1.7 kilos...so right about now im feeling very frustrated...well i decided to do a lil research on the metformin and found this website which says one of the side effects is fluid retention AND weight gain ! UGH this is beyond frustrating cos whilst i take these meds i get less desire to eat carbohydrate foods and im rather good with my eating and not snacking etc...but if its giving me fluid retention that really does my head in....i mite give it another week see how i go...(cos its possibly from TOM as well) and see what happens...mite have to go back to the docs and discuss it. Okies thats all today just needed to vent

Well the good news is i weighed in and had a loss...lost 500 grams...which isnt great but bottom line it is a loss and I do need to remember its while i was on leave from work. I stayed for the meeting and feel very focused again which all is good. One of the ladies there today was raving about the ww kitchen scales...and swears by them...said its one of the best investments she has made so may need to get them.

Was so friggin freezing here in Adelaide last nite...i got up in the middle of the night chucked on my dressing gown and then went back to sleep. I think tonite when i go home...ill take my lil heater into my bedroom...turn it on close the door and leave it for 30 minutes or so before going to bed that way it will hopefully be nice and warm.

Day one of the star challenge i was very good with my water altho i got up way to friggin many times during the nite for my liking. Am about to start on the water now...I know its late but if i start earlier i end up going to the toilet 50 million times and people at work think im weird lol

Not a great deal else to say...have a good day all =]

Well ive been slack eh? But back to work today plus first day for the star challenge...so completely on track ! i took a sneak peak at the scales this morning and i should register of a loss close to a kilo this week...hopefully i will manage to exceed a kilo...which is definitely a step in the right direction. Ive drank 750 mls of water and have another 750 mls to drink before the day is over.

The book im reading at the moment is awesome...its called butch stone blues and about a lesbian in the 60's/70's with all the political stuff including the aspect of racial segregation im really enjoying reading it.

We got a new computer program at work today and i think my head is ready to explode ! Will be so glad to go home tonite. Anyway not much else to say...time to head off and finish dinner...will be back tomorrow with my weigh in results =]

Well i been a damn slack ass eh? Actually i rarely write in my journal from home...usually always at work so its not something i tend to do at home. Holidays are not great for weight loss i decided LOL im so good at work...i have my schedule and have to stick to it...breaks at specific times and are generally 2 hours apart but at home that goes out the window, and when you throw in lunch at other peoples houses, and morning tea and delectable coffee shops it doesnt quite go to plan. The scales show im up about 500 grams from after my first week on ww...and im not stressing. I havent pigged out...eaten no take away (except for a chicken ceaser baguette and a croissant) so considering ive been on holidays i dont think ive been too bad. What has prolly really killed me is i made low fat muffins.2.5 points each...which is fine if you have ONE...but being at home...especially in the afternoon instead of grabbing the banana for one point been grabbing them LOL. But back to work monday...same day the star team challenge starts...so back to the routine and to focussing.

I did do my biggest loser dvd the other nite...lasted a whole 9 minutes and 20 seconds before i got woozy. But i want to start doing that more regularly. Havent done a lot else altho i did see a recipe by iian hewitson which im gonna try next weekend (have to grab a few ingredients) but am gonna change it a lil

Oh and miss adorable turns 4 on tuesday ! so big happy to her...posting her present on monday so it should arrive just in time for tuesday...okies off i go....enjoy all

well how did i go today? Well i didnt go ! No i havent given up or gone on a binge or anything....on my scales at home last week i weight 150.8 kilos...before i ate dinner last nite i weighed 150.0 i was thinking wooo hooo then i ate dinner...and being the nuerotic wwer i am weighed again before bed and was 152.1 ! I knew then i had eaten something wrong...and was right...id had bacon DUH !!! of course thats high in salt...so when i woke this morning i was 151 kilos...and i so didnt wanna go in and have a gain...so decided not to weigh in and ill go out to the salisbury meeting on saturday and weigh in there....this will teach me. Been very good again today and the books i ordered finally arrived ! So i can get them off to my niece in time for her birthday. Anyway gonna keep this short as i have the start of a migraine...have just taken panadeine forte...i expect to be unable to keep my eyes open within about 30 minutes...enjoy ur day all =]