Am I truly happy?

I got thinking tonight about am i truly happy.

I think back to when i started to gain weight. When my mum passed away I wasnt at my smallest. I was about 85 kilos. So about 6 kilos above my lightest. But I liked myself at that weight and was maintaining that weight. When mum passed away i gained weight....over the next 18 months i gained over 20 kilos. Until that point for the previous 6 years i had steadily lost weight.

I remember one time when mum was alive we had this fight...omg it was huge. I didnt talk to her for 6 months and my weight loss went so well at the time. There were numerous things she had done over her life that i didnt agree with. I use to remind myself  "its her right to make her own decisions, I cannot control them, and she has to live with the consequences" I think while i battled with things that had occurred thinking that gave me a level of peace.

There is something that happened a few months before she died that I think has eaten at me. It was in fact the last time I saw her before she got sick. She said...me and (her husband) got our wills redone and if anything happens to me and also her husband...then decision making will go to your sister and step brother. Now let me explain i have NO desire to have to make decisions in that situation, but it was a slap in the face. It was despite your my eldest child...someone not related to me by blood will have say over these major decisions ... not you. I couldnt even believe it happened. I said ok and nothing else and never discussed it with her. Now i dont say this to make anyone look bad....simply this is my journal and my journey.

Its a hard thing to deal with. How do you ever really come to any resolution with yourself that your own mother put others ahead of you. I realise tho....again....this was her decision....she made her decisions....i cannot and could not control them.....and anything that did or did not happen as a consequence of them is not mine to live with.

The hardest thing about all this is to realise...that your mother prolly didnt like the person you are. Didnt like the way you lived your life or respected you. Now I dont say that to get pity....im just being honest....thats what I get not only from this decision she made......but also other things from my life. Now it doesnt mean she didnt like me....I know she didnt.....but in my opinion....not the way a mother should. And yanno this isnt one sided. I am sure I was more then a pain in the ass at times, I know I am very stubborn and whilst I have no control over the fact I am gay (and trust me this was a major issue) I wasnt willing to budge on this topic....when it became clear that her and her husband didnt want the fact i like girls discussed...I certainly was stubborn and certainly distanced myself.

Do I regret anything I did in relation to my mum? Nope not at all. In writing this and acknowledging this makes me feel better. I remember discussing it with Fiona at the time but really didnt discuss it with anyone else. Understanding I cannot control other peoples actions and I cannot force ANYONE to like me...but I can control me and the life I want to live. This stuff has been in my brain for such a long time. Accepting and acknowledging yep I didnt have the relationship with my mum I would have liked but that I can make the life I want.

Its time to set some real life goals. When I think back to when I was slimmer....and what was the things I really enjoyed? Was it putting on a size 12 dress? Dont get me wrong...the smaller clothes was great but looking back it wasnt the highlight. The highlight was training and completing a 12km run. Climbing the Sydney Harbor bridge. Adventure caving at Jenolan Caves. Jumping on a plane and exploring a new city - those are the things that made my life and journey worth it!

Im tired of food being the "highlight of my day"

Theres a couple of places I would love to go too. The first is Cairns. The rainforests look gorgeous, the walks/hiking would be amazing....the great barrier reef would be amazing. whale watching, air ballooning....its the one place in australia I really want to go too. Next on the list is hawaii for a lot of the same reasons as cairns, the nature....the waterfalls, the hikes,the beach etc would be amazing,

And so I need to start setting a goal. And i think Cairns will be first. I have no idea when (maybe late next year)...no idea of costs etc....but I think if I could be double digits by the time I would go would be amazing...Id be fit and healthy enough to do all the things I want to do.

I dont want to get to the end of my life and be thinking "i shoulda...."....i shoulda done this and shoulda done that.

Its time to get excited.

My eating has been crap the last week. I totally believe eating "if it fits in my macro" style works for me. So I am back onto it tomorrow. I am returning to the gym on monday. I have next week off work. So I am planning to do some lunch time classes and then thursday night I am back doin PT with Beck. I will be doing PT only once a week and group personal training 3 times a week (hopefully)

Time to make me number one!

That old topic of....exercise!

One of the things I havent talked a lot about of late is EXERCISE. The reason why? well i havent been doing much apart from some walks. I was also very undecided what to do about the gym situation.

For those who have been following along ;) will know i was over the travel with the gym as my current gym is in the city and I work and live in the suburbs. And whilst I have a local gym with fab equipment I wasnt ready to leave my current gym. So what Ive decided to do is firstly tuesday night I am going to join the local gym. Initially my plan is to go there most days of the week before work and do 30 minutes of fasted cardio. I still have 11 PT sessions at my old gym...and as I want to slowly transition to the new gym...I will do a PT session once a week (on thursday nights) and also venture into the city the weeknights i can get there on time and do my program (for those wondering that is the teamheroic app thru chelsea i am doing). Whilst my old gym doesnt have all the equipment ill need i will hopefully be able to work out exercises to replace the ones i cannot do cos of lack of equipment. On the nights I cannot get to the old gym (as they close 8pm monday to thursday and 7pm friday night) I will go to my local gym. Allowing me to slowly get use to it and also still work out on sundays and public holidays etc)

People are prolly wondering why i am going to do my cardio in the mornings? Its two fold...I want to see how my body copes with doing fasted cardio (it may hate it) and I am keen to see how I respond mentally to doing some exercise before work...I have a feeling it may help my mood levels.

One of the things I discoverred this year is i enjoy and my body really responds to weight training. So I am really keen to get back into that. One thing I am going to have to do is stock up on leggings so I have plenty of clothes for working out. I have previously been wearing just kmart brand ones and must admit have got a LOT of wear out of them so will pick some up this week.

Weigh in result

So yesterday was weigh in day. Chelsea does things slightly different so instead of going by the actual number on the scale on weigh in day she has me work out my average weight for the week...and we compare it to the average weight of the previous week. So by that I was down 590 grams. That said I am eating quite high calories (about 1850 calories) and as my gym membership has been on hold minimal exercise. Thats also 3 losses in a row.

So this week my carbs are being lowered by another 10 grams. So my carbs are 180 grams now, and my fat and protein stays the same at 50 grams fat and 150 grams of protein. Which depending on food choices will put me someone between 1720-1820 calories a day. So still a rather high calorie limit. It certainly takes planning but i like this "counting macros" When i sent my weekly check in to chelsea yesterday I commented that its 3 weeks on track, no wavering if this is the right plan for me and no bingeing/overeating so i am very happy with how things are. Hopefully the slight change in my carbs will increase my losses each week.

I go back to the gym monday week and have decided to take that week off work. I think thats a good way to throw myself back into the gym and am planning to mostly do lunchtime classes.

I bought new protein powders last night....I use the brand "cellucor" i got the cor-fetti cake batter flavour and the choc chip cookie dough flavour ;) The corfetti one mixes up SO well with just water ... like its crazy .... you would think its in milk! The choc chip one I had in my oats this morning....it has teeny tiny pieces of choc in it LOL...was yummy and really brings the fat in my breakfast. I also purchased some BCAAs,as well as a mixed box of Bup and Quest protein bars....gave all of it at a very cheap price and cos im such a good customer threw in a shaker bottle :)

I also went to target. Unless a clothing item has stretch to it i am definitely a size 20. So i bought a denim jacket, and a flanelette shirt size 20 (the shirt tho is too tight around my hips just yet...so thats a goal to get into!) I also bought a long sleeved wine coloured tshirt...and also a wine coloured knitted jumper and also some brown ankle lace up boots....spoilt myself!

Decisions!

So i have wanted to post this week but felt so much of what was going on in my head shouldnt be on the internet ;) and I am not going to discuss the work issue at this stage....except to say....things are settling down - when i can say more i will

I havent been at the gym. And today I realised its time to get back to it. My eating has been good. This week as of this morning i was a lil over a kilo down this week (weigh in is friday morning)
The big decision has been related to the gym....do I keep going with Fernwood (the gym in the city) or go to a local gym. There was a lot of things to consider....fernwood is more expensive, longer to travel to get to it, adds a additionl bus fare per day, limited hours...the big thing it has going for it is i like the staff and i am comfortable there. My ability to get to the fernwood gym may become limited in the future....or if i end up working in the city it could be more convenient. I also have 11 PT sessions paid for,

The local gym has great equipment, open 24/7....they were having some changes when i was there the other day so only have a handful of classes...but i know no one there.

The program i am doing with chelsea......im sure if i spoke to Beck (my trainer...altho i did telling her i wouldnt be back in so not sure how keen she would be to train me) if she was willing to train me....i think she would be willing to work with me with this program.

The other option is i join both gyms.....and i attend the local gym on the days i cannot get to fernwood. I mean the local gym is offering me first month free (and half price joining fee).....and in the mean time i utilise those PT sessions i have paid for

Im confused....LOL...adding to the confusion is the fact i dont really know what hours etc ill be working which will impact how often i can get to the gym in the city and also that my fernwood membership is onhold till 28/4....more to think about!

The weekend at last ;)

So fridays weigh in i was down 1.09 kilos. Considering the week I had i was bloody impressed with that! LOL Since tuesdays meeting where we got told our jobs were going to be made redundant on june 30, sleep has become a elusive thing. Ive been tired, stressed, overthinking and waking with headaches :( And the scales were slowly going up. Since friday tho...Ive started to get some gastro/digestion issues too. My stomach feels rock hard....and not constantly but a few times a day (maybe 4-5) i will suddenly get stomach pains and need to do a mad dash to the loo LOL (graphic much?) which i am putting down to stress as well.

Last night tho i did manage a decent sleep...i woke up a few times but it was real quality sleep. Since the gastro thing has started....the scales have started to go down again LOL.

Work wise i am now at a point of if i dont get this role in the company just accepting its time to leave and that its time for a change, new challenges, meet some new people, and test myself in a new environment. I have confidence in my skills that I can secure another job. So if i find out i didnt get this one i will then go into full job seeking mode. At least one person in my job has already found a new full time job...so jobs are out there. Im really at the point....just tell me one way or another so i can move on with my life....this uncertainty is harder then the outcome.

What happens with work will determine what i decide with the gym. They released a proposed roster for work...and looking at that ill end up working later in the evening so the gym after work if i stay at fernwood just wouldnt happen for a fair amount of the time (and i am really not a morning exerciser! lol) So i think a 24/7 gym is the path i will need to go down too. The local one did SMS me the other day offering first month free .... and its on no contract... which as life can change so quickly i dont know id want a gym membership on a contract again...im learning from that LOL

Because of the uncertainty my current gym membership is on hold for 2 weeks and i told them maybe i wont close it....but...i think i will end up doing that cos unless i do leave O and get a job in the city it doesnt look like a city gym will suit...

Ok not much else going on! Ill update when I have more news :)

Whats been happening.

So i finally feel able to post :)

So workwise the news is my current role is redundant as of June 30. If I dont find another role that will be my last day. I have applied for a couple of positions within the company and hopeful of getting one of them. I will hopefully find out about that next week.

Obviously this week has been a hard week...and since i got the news i noticed the scales have gone up each day....which i think was just the anxiety and lack of sleep. Last night i was so exhausted i collapsed asleep quite early....and i felt a lot better today. Today my carb choices also werent great...but im ready to get back on track 100%

In relation to the gym .... im still undecided about that. Currently my membership is on hold for 2 weeks. If i get the job i am hoping for i may be doing a lot of nightshift/evening shifts....which will impact whether i continue to travel in to the city or not. Long term if i get this role...PT would definitely not be doable as my shifts will be all over the place. Altho the fact the gym in the city isnt 24/7 and is closed sundays and public holidays is a pain....i do feel more comfortable there...the training program thru my online coach is doable there with some minor adjustments....and of course there is the benefit of the group fitness classes that i could throw in to supplement things. But right now is not the time for making big decisions. Once i find out if i did get a new position in the company or will be leaving the company is a big factor in my decision.

Weigh in tomorrow...if my macros do change i will update over the weekend some time.

Update :)

So yes I am still here, kicking along! LOL

My week foodwise has been mostly good. Obviously its been a stressful week (refer previous post) and next week prolly will be the peak of the stress. I am definitely feeling the stress...yesterday and today with headaches, which I am sure is from not getting quality sleep. The unknown leaves you feeling rattled. That said....apart from a couple of bread rolls and cheese on monday night I have eaten good...which i think is brilliant considering the stress of this week! My cycle also arrived today....and the scales did go up a lil but that will be water weight which will go down over the next few days.

At this stage the gym is onhold. I have done my cardio for Chelsea....but right now I cannot deal with the gym as well. There is too much going on...and depending the outcome with work over the next week or so...the gym may be on hold for a couple of months. I can explain this more once I know where things stand professionally.

But i am really proud of how well I have adapted to the tracking of macros.

Friday night I am catching up with Tania and Martine....looks like we are going down Glenelg somewhere. I must admit the thought of a relaxing night with the two of them will do me the world of good. The thing with this stress is it is hard to "switch off" and just relax cos my brain is thinking about so much stuff.

Not a lot else going on...I will be back on friday at some point to advise my weekly weigh in result and confirm whether my macros are changing or not (i expect they wont)

How things can change....

So....well....LOL i dont even really know how to start this post!

There has been something work related been brewing since late February....and that is there is a good chance i will be made retrenched. I wasnt at work today which is how i went to the trial gym this morning....anyway got a phone call this afternoon to advise retrenchments are happening in my office and there is a very good chance i may be retrenched.

SO! Lawd! In relation to the gym now...all up in the air. My membership at my old gym is still running till i think May 25. I cannot justify paying another gym (even if it is relatively cheap). So I had told my gym i was cancelling....and i had also told my personal trainer i wouldnt be doing anymore sessions cos i was just gonna move on with the new gym and was tired of the travelling....now im kinda regretting that cos i might as well use what i have paid for! So i think....i will keep going to the old gym until at least then end of May...then make decisions then based on what I do or dont know....just not sure what i will do about PT.

Its very odd....ive not really been in this situation before. I am lucky in that I have worked there for nearly 15 years so i will get a very nice payout....and could live comfortably for even as long as 12 months without a job...but i wont be doing that (of course) Ive had 15 years experience in a call centre.....even if it is just part time work...I think i will be able to get something within the first few months. And of course if i can get stable work relatively quickly that will leave me with money to do some overseas travel which would be amazing.

At this stage tho....i need to wait for the outcome. Then the dreaded thought of dealing with centrelink and then i will have to shop for a "interview outfit" - i wear jeans and a jumper to work everyday LOL....no business wear in my closet! Altho I guess everything is done electronically these days I may need to buy a printer too.

Anyway not too much panicing yet....till I know definitely one way or another.

Checking out the new gym.

So the scales are moving at a ridiculous pace....so i am obviously losing a crapload of water weight. The night before i got back on track i had pizza and garlic bread as well as some popcorn...so was definitely retaining fluid.

So i got back on track on friday....i weighed in at 280.8 pounds/127.63 kilos....this morning i weighed in at 270.4 pounds/122.9 kilos....so i was super surprised by that. So 10.4 pounds i am down....11 pounds is 5 kilos. But this of course is a loss of mostly water weight. The most i have ever lost in one week i believe is 5.7 kilos....i will be stunned if i lose in excess of that...especially considering i am eating 200 grams of carbs and over 1900 calories a day!

I went and checked out the local gym today. I must admit this morning i had doubts about it and wondered if i had done the right thing...but really glad i went. The manager of the gym is a female power lifter and she said when she joined a gym she felt intimidated by guys in the weight room too. She made me feel very welcome and told me the days/hours when it can be a bit of a boys club (monday and tuesday nights), the benefit tho is living so close to this gym is i could go in before work. They definitely have all the equipment i could want....the cardio equipment...the bikes, cross trainers and treadmills all have personal tvs. They also have a arc trainer (i think thats what its called?) and rowers. In their group fitness room which you can go in and use they have everything from padded boxes for box jumps due to every size imagineable resistance bands....a squat rack....boxing bag...trx etc....so definitely no issues with not having equipment.

So i decided to do a workout. Which was the first day of my new weight program thru Chelseas app...so was lower body..a few of the exercises i hadnt done before and had to figure out the back extension machine (which i did ;)) it took about 40 minutes to complete...and then i jumped on the treadmill and did 25 minutes on a 8% incline and a speed of 4. Its amazing much my calves have improved....didnt hurt them at all!

I then walked the 10 minutes to get home :)

So my plan for this week i *think* will look like this:

tuesday : rest day - I need to go to the gym tho and do 20 minutes HIIT
wednesday: Lower body (squat day)
thursday: Upperbody (OHP day) + 20 minutes HIIT
Friday: cardio (before work as i have plans that night)
saturday: lower body (deadlift day)
sunday: Upper body (bench day)

The benefit about this local gym and being open 24/7 .... as an example...saturdays when i work like i will this saturday i would not be able to get to the old gym. As at this stage i have no plans saturday night....ill finish work....go to the gym and do my workout and then go home. This is one of the biggest advantages as my gym was only open limited hours on saturday and was closed sunday and public holidays...and cos it is so close to where I live....win!win!

How did I choose my online coach?

So I was asked about my online coach (chelsea) and how did i find this online coach? So the story is...well over 12 months ago i started to watch fitness and weight loss videos on you tube. I follow about 35 channels. This ranges from people who are currently losing weight, who have lost weight, power lifters, bikini models etc .... so a wide variety. Over that time i discoverred quite a few do online coaching. And because it is cheaper, more convenient and it worked in macros (which i know back to front) i felt it was something that would work for me. So anyway there were a number who do coaching....at least 7 .... after prolly 6 months....i thought if i decide to do it....i had narrowed it down to too...2 females...Chelsea and another. Chelseas pricing was actually slightly more...but the reason I went for Chelsea was for one thing she had talked numerous times that most of her clients were in their 30s and 40s and had "disordered eating" which I felt into this category. She also has done several "diet series" where she herself has dieted...(a cut basically to just lean out a lil) and she showed a lot of videos of "what i eat in a day" and i liked that a LOT of her food was simply unprocessed foods where she was aiming to get in the micronutrients...but also that she lives...and isnt perfect 100% of the time. Here is a video which includes 3 people off 3 off the channels i follow. Going left to right on the screen there is John "Obese 2 Beast" who lost like 170 pounds and has appeared on Ellen for his weight loss, Brian "Brian Turner" who has had a you tube channel for years and does lifting and competes and a wealth of info, and then Chelsea "ChelseaLifts". They are talking in this video about dieting with too little calories ... they posted this video this morning and so thought i would share so people can see who my coach is.

The link is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08EFD6A9M1g

Thats how I came to look into Chelsea as a coach...the extras that add to it....is she is a qualified personal trainer, a competitive power lifter, owns her own gym and minored in nutrition.

I can guarantee this was not a rushed decision ;)

BTW This video has some really good info!

Saturday April 2

Today (apart from working) has gone great :) My food was good...mostly unprocessed.....my macros for end of the day was...202 grams of carbs, 55 grams of fat and 147 grams of protein which came to a total of 1939 calories. I doubt Chelsea will leave my macros this high for more then 2 weeks...but while im getting this much food i am gonna enjoy it! ;) I also got in one of my required cardio sessions today and walked for 25 minutes during my lunch hour.

Yesterday morning when i got back on track as i mentioned yesterday i was 280.8 pounds...this morning i had a big water weight drop....back down to 276.2 pounds....so a 2.6 pound drop which is over 1 kilo (but I always lose 3-5 kilos the first 5 or so days I get back on track)

I have a free trial for the gym I am planning to join....so I am going to go down monday morning and get the trial organised and then will do a few workouts over the next few days...if all goes well I will sign up thursday night.

Anyway not much else going on....about to finish watchin you tube and then check out some netflix...enjoy all! :)

The NEW and FINAL plan....and a lil/long explaination of things....

Okay this is gonna be kinda...the hercules of posts LOL I actually considered just not postin and getting on with things but for being transparent with all weight loss things...so wanted to share ;)

So let me start off by explaining a few things im sure i have never mentioned on the journal. The first is i dont drive...nope....dont have my licence and so i rely solely on public transport (which is fine!)

Now the next thing i want to explain where my house, work and the gym are in relation to each other. So my gym is in the centre of adelaide (in fact in rundle mall) my home is about 5-10 minutes out of the city....and then work is about a further 10-15 minute drive. SO. On any given work day where i am attending the gym...my day is like this....i catch a bus to work in the morning....after work i catch a bus from work go past my house and in to the city.....attend the gym....and then from there go from the gym to home. Now to give u a example...say i finish work at 4pm. The first bus after 4pm is at 4.20pm....i then jump on the bus and dependent on traffic it will take me 25-35 minutes to get into the city....(so it is no approximately 4.45-4.50-pm) i then walk down to the gym which takes about 7 minutes....so after having finished work at 4pm its taken me approx 57 minutes to get to the gym. Say i then work out for a hour (if its a night i have PT at 6pm or 6.30pm it is a lot worse....but lets do the best case scenario as a example)...once I get to the gym...collect my locker key....get changed....put BCAAs in my water bottle....fill up my water bottle...grab a cold towel....it is now at least 5.10pm. Okay kewl....lets work out for a hour....I finish my work out at approx 6.10pm. I leave the gym and head for the bus stop where I hopefully make it in time for the 6.25pm bus (presuming its not running late)....I will then walk in my door at approx 6.40pm. So from finishing work doing a one hour gym session and then getting home....2 hours and 40 minutes have passed...all to do a one hour session! Honest to gawd im so SICK of the travelling.

Now if we change this story a lil....I finish at 4pm and get on the bus at 4.20pm as above....but this time instead of going into the city...I stay on the bus for 10 minutes and get off at the top of my street...at approx 4.30pm...i then walk 5 minutes to a local gym...where I get changed and are ready to work out by 4.50pm......i workout for a hour....finish the work out at 5.50pm....then walk the 10 minutes to my house - walking in the door at 6pm....saving me 40 minutes!

Now this is a real simplistic explaination....some nights i dont have PT until 6pm or 6.30pm and its even longer nights then.

The other issue I have had is the cost. Slowly over time as I have done more and more PT sessions....and then challenges....the cost has gone up and up. Currently I am doing the 12 week challenge, and a group food coaching session, and 3 PT sessions a week plus my basic membership....that costs me $318 a fortnight (so $636 a month) then add to that $74.90 for weight watchers.....I am spending over $700 a month...to lose weight! Here is a secret people....if you want to lose weight....you will...whether you have 50 million PT sessions or not.

SO this has all been on my mind for a while. PLUS i just realised....I dont "believe" in the weight watchers program....so i honestly couldnt committ to it fully. So I made some changes. The first is I have cancelled my gym membership and wont be renewing my weight watchers membership. Now i do need some accountability and direction....so I have hired a online coach which costs me approx $170 a month. On top of that she has me use a weight training app....which costs approx $30 a month....and then on top of that I will be joining Jetts....there membership is $51.90 a month. So all totalled I will be paying approx $251.90 per month. One third of the price i was paying! Plus i will be spending less time travelling....I can spend more money on things like clothes...and hair appointments...and going out etc.

Sometimes you make a decision....and you feel its the right decision but you are not 100% sure...I feel completely positive this is the right decision and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

SO i started with the online coach today :) Now she is located in the US and so for that reason works in pounds...and so to avoid confusion I will now be working in pounds too (which is SO weird!) So i weighed in this morning at 280.8 pounds. The calories I will be on.....which are based on macros....so 200 grams carbs, 150 grams protein and 50 grams of fat works out to approx 1900-1950 calories. Cardio wise I need to do 2 x 25 moderate intensity cardio sessions per week and 2 x 20 HIIT sessions per week. So my plans is tomorrow to walk in my lunch hour.....I think for the HIIT sessions which i will try to do one on sunday I will do a search in you tube and do one from there.

Thursday I will go join the new gym. I have a 7 day pass which i will start to use from that point.

Food wise...day one is nearly done...I still have some macros left so shortly i will have a eggwhite and ricotta pancake with some frozen raspberries and maple syrup (one of my favourite things to eat!) but I have hit all my macros....Ive cooked up mince with taco seasoning and vegies for lunch tomorrow which i will have with a tub of the chobani salsa dip...so yum!)