Excuses and some honesty

No denying I have been off track the past 3 days. Very offtrack.

Why? Well I could say its cos I didnt go to my weight watchers meeting this week, or i could say it is because work had me on a shift 10am-6pm which meant lunch was at 2pm or it could be because I havent joined the gym yet....it could be, it could be, it could be....and the truth is they are all excuses and prolly excuses I have used this week. Fact of the matter you (I) can stick to my eating plan no matter what the circumstances....it is simply about whether I choose too or not.

So I got back on track today, tonight I have sat down and written out shopping lists, and picked recipes to make this weekend so I am organised this week. Some fritters, muffins, cheat's lasagne and a bacon and egg pie. And i have gone thru my tracker and planned when to have the meals and/or snacks.

So there it is...I have been off track. I am in the middle of re-reading "Confessions of a reformed dieter" was that she wasn't perfect....she stuffed up more then once....but she just got back on track again...so thats what I am doing. I gain fluid from sodium ridiculously fast so I will be embarrassed to weigh in monday...but I need to draw that line in the sand.

I think too...I need to not be so hard on myself. Having been so successful with weight loss previously I think in my mind....that everyone else thinks i need to lose 1 kilo per week or more (this is a pressure i put on myself). I need to just be glad for any loss...and aim for consistently losing regardless of the amount....I can always make small changes....but as long as I lose each week and my health improves each week thats what matters!

Tomorrow morning I am meeting up with Fiona and we will walk/run a 6km track around the Torrens River - so pretty!

Hope everyone has a fab weekend ! :)

Long post and this weeks weigh in result :)

I was going to do this post once I had bought a new laptop...but figured today is as good as any day to write it!

Firstly the weigh in news...I weighed in at home as no meeting tonight due to the public holiday and I prolly wont make another meeting as working late this week....so lost 300 grams. Which puts me at 3 losses in a row and having lost 3.6 kilos since I rejoined WW....and now my total loss is 53.6 kilos.

So on Saturday night I was out at dinner and I was asked "why did I put the weight back on"? I said yanno I had a pretty chit 2012/2013 with mum passing away, broken wrists, Jody passing away and then the house being broken into. All of that is true but its a very....only touches the top of the layers kinda answer.

Truthfully, when mum passed away it knocked me for a six. But I am the girl who hid being a lesbian for years, who is VERY good at hiding her depression and hiding what is truly going on. When mum passed away I went into logic mode. I am that person who cries when my hair wont go the right way but when something really traumatic happens i just go on autopilot. My stepdad was an emotional wreck to say the least, and my sister tends to be emotional too (I wish I was more like this but after so many years hiding....I am very good at putting on a brave front) in this situation I think I am very logical and I just get very practical and get what needs to be done done (Mum was the same very practical) I never cried in front of anyone. There were tears shed at the funeral but hidden behind sunglasses.

At the time of mums passing and following that I remember having this conversation where I said to Fiona. I think I am in denial about it....I think in a lot of ways I still am. I dont know that it has "clicked" that mum has passed away...just feels like I haven't seen her for a long time. I havent even been to the cementry at this point to visit the grave as its just not something emotionally at this point I think I could handle.

One of the things that has become very obvious to me is a sense of being alone. When I sometimes think what ties me to this city? Nothing actually does except for my job and that I have a home setup here...people are not what keeps me tied here. My sister lives a 6 hour drive away and she and I are the only remaining members of our immediate family. I dont notice it on a daily basis...but there are times I do. I am a pretty independant so and so...but times like when you are hospitalised....or wanting to go out and celebrate your birthday or new years eve or have some to drag to a show....thats when I notice it. I think when you get to the end of the day....and something has happened....good or bad....and you don't have someone to call to discuss it with....its hard....I do have friends (altho I dont have like a best friend) but I do have some good friends so its not like I am alone with absolutely no contact with the human race lol but sometimes you know you just want to have that person that you know you could ring.

Yesterday I sat down and had a L Word binge. (Lesbian drama that was broadcast in about 2005) I had watched it before but its a favourite and have it on DVD. Anyway so I watched season 1 and the first 4 episodes of season 2. And as I was watching it a couple of things occurred to me. Over those episodes I watched...I saw girls date, socialise, work towards goal, plan for a future, go to "lesbian weekends", have sex, have first dates, first kisses, crushes, all that kinda good stuff ! lol And yanno what??? I do NONE of that stuff...okies I socialise a teeny tiny bit....but thats it. It just reminds me of how much I miss out on.

As I was watching it too I was watching the clothes they all wear....they all have very different styles. Which got me thinking about the clothes I wear. I live in jeans and baggy tshirts currently. When growing up the thing my mum said to me more then anything was "behave like a lady" anyone who knows me knows I aint no lady! lol. If I was to get down to the clothes that I like its jeans or pants with tanks or tshirts with funky jackets and boots. Its not dresses....its not pink lil tops...and even when I got to goal last time....I did live in flashdance and tight lil t shirts a lot....but I also went for dresses a lot....I didnt go for what I really wanted to wear...and thats gonna change this time...I am going to be the true me....not the me everyone expects. At this point in my life....I remember at Jillians show she talked about....how when we are babies and start to talk everyone claps and cheers...then we get put into school where we are told to be quiet....we are told how to behave and how to think...no more...I am doing this my way....no one elses way.

These are things I need to work on thruout the year....definitely need to focus on "living more" and as I lose weight this time the clothes I buy I want them to more reflect the true me. In line with that I am going to rejoin pink sofa which it is prolly a year or more since I was a member. Coincidently I had a couple of "smiles" (generic way of touching base with someone) on pink sofa this week...I then logged in to look and someone I use to chat with message me....so this week I will resign up and see what happens. I just want to focus on being a more social person, I think how I close myself up is a lot to do with my weight loss struggle...so I need to embrace people (healthy minded people who I feel are good for me....not people who just contact me cos it is convenient to them in that moment) and to live way more!

Weigh in and decisions :)

So I weighed in Monday night and lost 2.5 kilos - very happy with that :)

Last night tho I came home and ate ALL my weekly points...like wtf! On thinking about it I realise I did it out of boredom and wasnt even really hungry. The reason for the boredom? Well I think I am well enough now....that the go to work...come home and watch tv....has got boring...I have spent MONTHS watching a LOT of tv as I wasnt well! So its time to look at my evening activities....which means.....heading back to the gym...

When I started this journey all those years ago I went to fernwood and loved it. I found it incredibly supportive, it was also a smaller gym which i think suited me. Over the years tho I did notice a difference in the support level....and then when I experienced a issue with one of their staff last year, despite having spent over the years well over $20,000 at that gym on PT sessions, food coaching sessions and memberships....the way the management team handled the situation I thought was deplorable. They have since changed owners and I did ring them and speak to one of the owners a few days ago and I was thinking about going back but to be honest I didnt think the vibe was great. And when I said I had about 6 paid PT sessions which I never used they told me they wouldnt know where that paper work was since the change of ownership *lol* So while I was considering it and while it holds good memories there....I dont think returning there is the answer.

I currently have a membership to goodlife....there are 2 outlets that I could easily access...in the city and also north adelaide. Ive never attended the city one but have the nth adelaide one. I sat down last night and listed all the choices of classes i would have,,,,and it was huge,,,,there would always be a class I could do. The gym tho is huge....and doesnt have that same supportive feeling fernwood had all those years ago (but then again I dont think any gym does!). Candice who was my trainer worked there and when I told her late last year I didnt wanna do PT she did kinda try to "sell" to me...so in the end I blocked her number....so its quite likely I will run into her. But in all honesty I really just do wanna do their classes. They are about to start a 12 week challenge...which I could consider....but I prolly wouldnt.

The other option would be Jetts which is around the corner from me. From following their facebook page they seem very community focused and it sounds like a smaller gym. The negative being they dont do Les Mills classes which I do prefer.

At this stage I need to committ to one thing...Im thinking I should just suck it up and get back to goodlife and go from there. I have bought my gym clothes today...so hopefully I will see it thru and do a RPM class tonight :)

Happy monday all :)

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Mine was quiet. Friday night I did a lil housework, got groceries delivered and had a early night. Saturday morning Fiona came to the house and we did a PT session. We walked over to the local footy over and did some stair climbing and then we did some shuttle runs followed by some mobility exercises with the viper. I huffed and puffed thru the session but i didnt cough so that was huge progress.

Over the rest of the weekend I was kinda lazy hahah! Watched tv, read, played on the puter. haha it was good ;)

I have weigh in tonight. I walk to and from the meeting so should easily hit 12,000 steps today :) Hopefully I have a good weigh in result too (I should!)

The exercise thing is something I have to figure out. PT sessions with fiona on saturday mornings is going awesome and I am so ridiculously happy I went back to training with her. What I do exercise wise during the week I am still figuring out. I would like to go back to fernwood but its a complicated situation (which is innappropriate of me to discuss on here) but that said since this situation has occurred there is a change of owners at the fernwood I go too...so maybe I will call the owners and discuss with them...get a idea if its viable to return there or not. I must admit I have struggled to ever feel as comfortable at any other gym as I did at fernwood.

Well I rang fernwood....it actually is looking like a better situation. Ive told them I will look at rejoining mid feb...so will contact them early february (I dont want to make a rash decision...want to think about it and make sure its the right decision) also they said the timetable for the classes is changing so will wait till they release that to ensure it works for me :)

Have a good monday all!

And the results are in...

So I finally have some explainations about what has been going on in my body :)

Turns out I have gall stones (altho I have had no pain from them) and this has caused reflux which caused the asthma. My liver results arent perfect either as apparantly the gall stones are stopping the release of some of the bile in my liver. My spleen apparantly is a lil large and has a lesion on it but that is just a group of blood vessels so nothing to worry about.

So basically I am off all meds except one tablet of somac each day for reflux :) and to just eat a low fat diet....which on weight watchers is what you (I) do anyway!

Weight loss wise my week has been great! I have stuck to only my daily points and so far (4 days in) have earnt 30 activity points...gotta be happy to do that without a gym lol. Monday I will be expecting a sizeable loss :)

Tonight the plan is to do housework. I did my first online grocery shop last night and that gets delivered tonight. Tomorrow morning I have PT with fiona and i think i might go into north adelaide tomorrow afternoon to look at the op shop.

Not a hell of a lot else going on except its friday *yay* Have a good weekend all!

January 14, 2015

Yesterday went very well :)

Foodwise I was spot on. Went to bed last night all contented....and I in fact didnt eat all my daily points (i was down 1 point). I was sleepy by 7pm last night lol...managed to stay up till 7.40pm then I went to bed...took my ipad in there and started to watch season 1 of veep....didnt even manage one episode and I was asleep LOL....and didnt wake up till a lil before 6.30am :)

I had no painkillers or ventolin yesterday apart from the morning dose. Woke this morning...feel good...took no ventolin this morning and only half the dosage of pain killers (back pain from nearly 3 months of coughing!) I still cough a lil but its really minor. So i really feel the reflux is the answer...but it will prolly take 4 or 5 days to really know. I feel good tho to think I am on the right path. Which of course leads me to think maybe getting back to the gym is in the not too distant future! Possibly as early as the end of the month...I would be ecstatic if that turns out to be the case. :)

As most know I am a daily weigher....and the scales are definitely going down and did a significant drop overnight....which no doubt is partly due to not taking as much medication but also to eating well...I am feeling like I am definitely on the right path at the moment.

My nails are growing too! I bite my nails and they never grow...but amazingly with good food...nail growth seems to be happening....loving how everything seems to be falling into place!

Weigh in result.

So yesterday was weigh in day.

I weighed in with a loss of 800 grams. Was I happy with that? yes and no! lol. I would have liked more but a loss is a loss...considering the amount of medicines etc I am happy :)

I feel in a good place at the moment. Im definitely in the zone. I have done a minimum of 10,000 steps every day since thursday. Today it is raining and actually looks like its going to bucket down, so today hitting the 10,000 steps might be a bit harder. Yesterday I even managed to hit 15,000 steps...yay me!

My eating is going very well. This week I am trying to stick to just my daily points. Have done it the last two days and was pretty easy to do. I am starting to notice my hunger kicking in. Just before my meals I am starting to feel a lil hunger. I remember years ago on Oprah she said that rumbling in her tummy always made her think it was her body eating calories up...lol...so I always think its a good sensation!

Because I believe now the "silent reflux" is causing my cough I am having to watch my eating even more. Currently I am cutting out some key things...carbonated drinks, minimal red meat (I have never been a big red meat eater tho) cheese (apart from feta...no processed slice cheese etc), tomatos, onions, I am also checking the ingredient list of anything I eat...anything that says "acid" in the ingredient list at this stage I wont eat...I just need to eat very clean and low fat to get better. So that has meant things like weight watchers meals, and low fat mayo are out. I am a sandwich girl...its hard to find things to add to my sandwich as I am not having cheese, avocado (too high in fat), mayo....I need to find somethings to add to it! I know I can add salad-y things....but Id like to add something that adds a bit of moisture. Once better I will reintroduce mayo, avocado, tomatos etc but for the moment they are out :(

Thursday I go back to the doctor to get the ultrasound and blood test results. Hopefully in a few weeks time my health will be improving!

Reflux

So I think I have worked out which is causing the cough! I think I have "silent reflux"...my doc has mentioned this previously and even the hospital but there was not a lot of conversation around it. I dont get heartburn but I do get this persistant cough, i dont cough when i sleep, feels like something is stuck in it, problems at times swallowing (pills which is normally never a issue).

When I was at my doctors last week I said I think my diet and exercise is related to this and he said it wasnt LOL. So I am taking control of things haha. My doc had given me some meds before called SOMAC so i have started taking that again. Also my diet i am changing, basically to how I use to eat - low fat. Im going to cut out juices, red meat, tomatos, onion, crap food, chocolate, and soft drink :( Theres lots i can still eat....weetbix, oats, bananas, bread, pasta, most vegies, non citrus fruits etc.

It will be a slow process no doubt but hopefully in a few weeks time I will notice some difference. I also see my doctor on thursday night to get the results of my blood tests and ultrasounds...so find out anything from those and I will also tell him I do think now its reflux and see if there is any other recommendations. Apparantly "alkalining" your body helps which is what I will focus on - including getting a purifying to purify my water.

The weekend was good. I did a session with fiona on saturday morning and then also did a 3km walk in saturday arvo and a 4.93km walk on sunday. Today is weigh in day...Ill be back tomorrow with my results!

Good weight watchers week so far!

So this week has gone good!

I've used 24 of my weekly points which was my plan for the week....I still have tomorrow for this week (and maybe Monday? If I weigh in Monday night does the new week start on Monday or Tuesday ? So the next few days I need to stick to my daily points only.

I've really got into Instagram and finding the ww community in their very supportive (my username on there is kazzsjourney) if you want to follow me on there. Food wise as the week has gone on I have been trying more new recipes. I made quesadilla for lunch today and tonight I am having a pasta dish. The sauce is made with one slice of ww bacon, onion, mushers, capsicum, tomato, chilli season with 59 grams of pasta and 18 grams of pecorino cheese....totals only seven points 

This morning I did my first PT session with Fiona, We walked for part of it then she did some assessment stuff on my alignment, balance etc. we also talked about the importance of support which is so ridiculously important. It feels good to be putting all the things into place that will lead me to be successful!

Positivity!

So yesterday everything went very well :) I had 39 points (my daily points) plus 3 of my weekly points. The intention was to use 4 of my weekly points so happy with this.

Its amazing how even when you take small steps you feel so much better. Being proactive just leads to feeling in control which makes us just feel better within ourselves....even simply one good meal choice or one small walk can be the start of that feeling - and I do love that feeling :)

I am really embracing the journey...no mucking around. I am trying to be active within the weight watchers community, being active on instagram (my username is @kazzsjourney) and just have a more positive approach. I really took what on what they said at the meeting that those who get off to a good start in the first four weeks are more likely to be successful - and I want that to be me! I have no doubt I can do it, its just sticking to it day after day that for me is the key.

It will be better too once I can truly exercise, and I dont mean a walk by that....but go do some group fitness classes at the gym and get me some cardio on lol but thats a while away at this stage.

Everything else is good...positive, positive, positive!

Back to weight watchers :)

So I went and rejoined weight watchers last night and I was very impressed!

I went to the wrong premises initially! LOL But I found the correct meeting. My friend Sharon is the "coach" (weight watcher doesnt call them leaders anymore), anyone after not being a member since like 2008 everything is different!

The membership is done via a ipad by the coach....no filling out paper work. Anyway walked in, got a hug from sharon and then weighed in. Heres the funny bit...when i started ww in 2006 my starting weight (and highested recorded weight) was 173.1 kilos. Now 8 years later I weighed in at 123.1 kilos exactly 50 kilos lighter. I kinda thought that was a good omen!

I then got some of the material and then went and sat down. I found a seat that had a spare seat either side of me....a few minutes later 2 girls came along who knew each other and sat either side of me and the 3 of us just started talking LOL It was weird I am normally so shy!

The meeting talked a lot about goal setting for the next 4 weeks...my aim for the next 4 weeks....is to attend every week and to lose 4.9 kilos....i think that is doable!

I then walked home which was about a half hour walk :)

So i have tracked....got my water....all ready for a good day! Time to kick some ass!!

January 5 2015

Well i am back at work so i have a computer to type on!

I decided yesterday to return to weight watchers. I made it for primarily one reason - support. Its not that i think the ww program is any better then counting calories (altho there program seems very sensible) but the group support is what I feel I need. So I am going to sign up tonight. The meeting is about a 20-25 minute walk to home...so thats all good.

Went back to the doctors today. The medication is controlling things and allowing me to get thru my days with relative ease....a big difference to a few weeks ago! Over the next week or so I have to have a few medical tests done...scan of my liver (I have non alcoholic fatty liver)...and some blood tests...all to check where my liver is at...and doing what i can to get it working better :)

Came back to work today....lot of people commenting that i seem much more alert and more energy. So thats all good.

Im sure I will do a bigger update tomorrow after going to weight watchers tonight!

Enjoy all :)

January 3 2015

Well I have had a really good day today :)

Started off with a weigh in (this wasn't the great part of the day!) I am back to 121.2 kilos..not for eating badly.....I'm quite sure it is fluid retention due to the mix of all the medications I am on.

Tania and I went out for a belated birthday breakfast today :) I was super good....2 slices of fruit toast and a orange juice, followed by a skim hot chocolate. Tania and I then decided to go do some shopping, I bought some new undies from target (I was very excited about this lol) then at Katie's (in the Katie's section no less!) I bought 2 t shirts....one peach coloured and one mint coloured....only $9.95 each and they were a size large (happy with that considering they go up to 2XL in the normal section) then I also bought a navy and white straight slightly fitted top with zippers on the shoulders....very cute....that will be a top for the moment I'll save for going out. When I go out for dinner next I'll take a pic in it :)

Tania and I did discuss some exciting plans.....but more on those another time ;)

We talked a lot today about how important support is (with people in your real life and online)....we also discussed how goals are really important....things to aim for....I have a few currently....to get back into my size 16 undies.....I have a fitted size 18 target top to fit into....

The other good news is this week I am going to start training with Fiona again (will be mostly just walking with some body weight stuff thrown in....push-ups against a bench, planks, she will prolly throw in some tricep dips too) these are all things my lungs should cope with....but she will monitor how I cope....and this will only be once a week.....I want to start doing some half hour walks this week to help build up....my area is hilly but I think I can cope with that...specially in the evening. I've also started just doing some push-ups against a wall....because of my health I will seriously be like a beginner restarting. But as Tania said today....when you hit rock bottom you can only go up :)

Here's to a good week :)

January 1 2015

I am overdue for a post, but it's a bit of a pain updating when I don't have my laptop.

So how am I going? I'm slowly improving. I'm still coughing but the medications are controlling that. I still cannot drink soft drink without coughing madly (that's handy tho lol) I am a couple of kilos down but I know I am retaining fluid (prolly a mix of the meds and that my cycle is due shortly). I've been sticking to 1600 calories and focusing on nutritional foods. I truly believe the eating healthy is necessary to get 100% better. I have noticed since eating better my hair looks healthier and my nails are growing more so that's a good sign my insides are getting healthier. I had a lot of back pain from all the coughing, it was my entire back and the side of my ribs on the left hand side....I still have some pain on the left hand side but it's improving.

My goals for 2015 are pretty simple and basic. To get under 100 kilos. To get 100% healthy. To run the city to bay.

Here is to a good healthy year!!!!!!