I was going to do this post once I had bought a new laptop...but figured today is as good as any day to write it!
Firstly the weigh in news...I weighed in at home as no meeting tonight due to the public holiday and I prolly wont make another meeting as working late this week....so lost 300 grams. Which puts me at 3 losses in a row and having lost 3.6 kilos since I rejoined WW....and now my total loss is 53.6 kilos.
So on Saturday night I was out at dinner and I was asked "why did I put the weight back on"? I said yanno I had a pretty chit 2012/2013 with mum passing away, broken wrists, Jody passing away and then the house being broken into. All of that is true but its a very....only touches the top of the layers kinda answer.
Truthfully, when mum passed away it knocked me for a six. But I am the girl who hid being a lesbian for years, who is VERY good at hiding her depression and hiding what is truly going on. When mum passed away I went into logic mode. I am that person who cries when my hair wont go the right way but when something really traumatic happens i just go on autopilot. My stepdad was an emotional wreck to say the least, and my sister tends to be emotional too (I wish I was more like this but after so many years hiding....I am very good at putting on a brave front) in this situation I think I am very logical and I just get very practical and get what needs to be done done (Mum was the same very practical) I never cried in front of anyone. There were tears shed at the funeral but hidden behind sunglasses.
At the time of mums passing and following that I remember having this conversation where I said to Fiona. I think I am in denial about it....I think in a lot of ways I still am. I dont know that it has "clicked" that mum has passed away...just feels like I haven't seen her for a long time. I havent even been to the cementry at this point to visit the grave as its just not something emotionally at this point I think I could handle.
One of the things that has become very obvious to me is a sense of being alone. When I sometimes think what ties me to this city? Nothing actually does except for my job and that I have a home setup here...people are not what keeps me tied here. My sister lives a 6 hour drive away and she and I are the only remaining members of our immediate family. I dont notice it on a daily basis...but there are times I do. I am a pretty independant so and so...but times like when you are hospitalised....or wanting to go out and celebrate your birthday or new years eve or have some to drag to a show....thats when I notice it. I think when you get to the end of the day....and something has happened....good or bad....and you don't have someone to call to discuss it with....its hard....I do have friends (altho I dont have like a best friend) but I do have some good friends so its not like I am alone with absolutely no contact with the human race lol but sometimes you know you just want to have that person that you know you could ring.
Yesterday I sat down and had a L Word binge. (Lesbian drama that was broadcast in about 2005) I had watched it before but its a favourite and have it on DVD. Anyway so I watched season 1 and the first 4 episodes of season 2. And as I was watching it a couple of things occurred to me. Over those episodes I watched...I saw girls date, socialise, work towards goal, plan for a future, go to "lesbian weekends", have sex, have first dates, first kisses, crushes, all that kinda good stuff ! lol And yanno what??? I do NONE of that stuff...okies I socialise a teeny tiny bit....but thats it. It just reminds me of how much I miss out on.
As I was watching it too I was watching the clothes they all wear....they all have very different styles. Which got me thinking about the clothes I wear. I live in jeans and baggy tshirts currently. When growing up the thing my mum said to me more then anything was "behave like a lady" anyone who knows me knows I aint no lady! lol. If I was to get down to the clothes that I like its jeans or pants with tanks or tshirts with funky jackets and boots. Its not dresses....its not pink lil tops...and even when I got to goal last time....I did live in flashdance and tight lil t shirts a lot....but I also went for dresses a lot....I didnt go for what I really wanted to wear...and thats gonna change this time...I am going to be the true me....not the me everyone expects. At this point in my life....I remember at Jillians show she talked about....how when we are babies and start to talk everyone claps and cheers...then we get put into school where we are told to be quiet....we are told how to behave and how to think...no more...I am doing this my way....no one elses way.
These are things I need to work on thruout the year....definitely need to focus on "living more" and as I lose weight this time the clothes I buy I want them to more reflect the true me. In line with that I am going to rejoin pink sofa which it is prolly a year or more since I was a member. Coincidently I had a couple of "smiles" (generic way of touching base with someone) on pink sofa this week...I then logged in to look and someone I use to chat with message me....so this week I will resign up and see what happens. I just want to focus on being a more social person, I think how I close myself up is a lot to do with my weight loss struggle...so I need to embrace people (healthy minded people who I feel are good for me....not people who just contact me cos it is convenient to them in that moment) and to live way more!