Well lawdie posting 2 days running...things must be getting back to normal eh? Actually they are....and today i feel great. Much more like myself....i started work at 7.45am today and when i got into work just before 7.30am i was chatting away and the bois were like my gawd ur chipper today arent u??? LOL

But yes i feel much better when i was struggling with TOM not only did i have the cramps but i didnt feel myself, normally im pretty laid back and easy going...but i was feeling and the only way i can describe it is claustrophobic...kinda like everyone and everything stay the hell away from me LOL...but i am not feeling good. And i have been good on the food front today and being much nicer and more realistic with myself today. Even with the gains i have at the moment of which some will be fluid...im still about 6 kilos lighter then when i joined the gym. My life is getting to such a neat happy lil place these days. In fact sometimes i sit here kinda amazed...and its not about my weight...or about fitting into a outfit...the big thing is how happy i am and starting to realise how people see me. Yanno i dont really suffer from a poor self esteem...i have good self worth...if i was to get into a relationship...i have standards and expectations...there are things i will and wont put up with...but while i have that self worth i have a poor view of how i felt people see me. Im no model and never will be but over the last few months to be called by people who know me things like cutey...and to be told im attractive or have a lovely smile or like last week to be told i am a beautiful woman is quite astounding to me...and for it to slowly sink in is wonderful too...i feel like bit by bit more of me is coming out...i am being more of myself...not thinking i should hide this part of me or that part of me...and truly coming to like myself. Which is a lot more relaxing...when you dont have to be guarded about your life. I think right up until this point of my life theres been a need to accept and work out within myself my sexuality. Being a lesbian and things that have been impacted by this is a huge part of "me". Thats not to say i talk about it a lot...to be honest i dont...altho the bois at work know and tease me LOL about girls...but anyway i remember being as young as 10 and having crushes on older women except i didnt realise what was going on back then...just knew i liked them...and wanted to be around...i remember being liek 12-13 and wondering if what i felt about women was normal and i recall reading teen magazines. Like dolly etc and you'd read the letters the girls would write in and theyd say stuff like i like this girl a LOT does that make me a lesbian? And the responses i recall reading was no its natural to have crushes on older women as you grow up...so i didnt question it a lot then. And being the quite conservative family i have...and living in Adelaide i never really questioned it growing up...altho by the time i was 25 i did start to wonder... and boy oh boy when i discovered the lesbian chat rooms...after time i knew without a doubt id found "me" lol but im a late bloomer in some ways and its taken time but "me" is at a nice place right now.

Okies well dinner is cooking...tuna and cheese pasta...yum yum...have a good nite all ~!

Well lawdie a update is well n truly overdue eh? Ive actually been off track...and my guess is ive gained 4 kilos. The last two weeks ive struggled with TOM...and been having stomach cramps for 2 weeks...altho the past week they were the most severe...even today i am still getting some cramping (even tho TOM is all done with so weird) Anyway the doc has put me back on the pill i took like 8 years ago when i was first diagnosed with PCOS...theyve told me to miss the sugar pills for a few months as the losing of weight has regulated me which helps with PCOS but makes endometriosis worse. Anyway today i am back on track. Tuesday I am planning to try a class at the gym (ive been slack with the gym too)...anyway tuesday i will try that...its a swiss ball class...so i guess its lots of abdomen exercises etc ... will find out soon enuff.

On the going out i havent gone out as much the last 2 weekends...this weekend i worked (had to be at work 6.30am saturday morning !) and last weekend i was too cold and lazy lol...maybe next weekend...we will see. Its funny too realising how much the soft butch girls are attractive to me...never realised before that i would be so attracted to them LOL

Also bought my new fridge ! Its lovely ! Its a fisher & paykel and gets delivered on the 3rd which is the day im going to streaky bay. So it will be nice having a lovely spacious fridge.

Okies off i go !

Welll geezus how freaking cold is it in Adelaide? -2 last nite ffs !!!! Okies heres a question have you ever really thought about your style???? Was talking to a friend at work yesterday about clothes (hes gay and knows i am too) so hes like as i had told him i was going clothes shopping....are you gonna buy some skirts,,,,and i looked at him said...no...have u ever seen me in a skirt??? then he asked something flowery??? im like ummmm no,,,,and the more i started to think about it....do i really dress the style that i like...without influences??? Think about it ... how many times growing up were you told "dress like a lady" or "act like a lady" i was told it lots...and the expectation was to follow that..dress lady like...act lady like...now anyone who knows me....whilst i dont lack manners....i dont think id describe me as "lady like"....im a klutz for one thing lol....and thats not me....i like very simplistic things...clean lines etc...if i thought about it cleared my mind (i tried this in bed last nite hahahhaha) and thought...okies going to a social occassion...size 10...have ample money to buy whatever choose....id wear denim jeans...with a nice belt...white tshirt...and jacket. i know im influenced easily...ive always liked pleasing...especially my mum...i hated her mad and "disappointed" in me...sure i was still a brat and a half but if i ever did something real bad (like when i tried to smoke a cigerette when i was like 14) i was guilt ridden and had to tell her....and kinda get forgiveness...if that makes sense and im still the chick who really doesnt make waves...if i dont like something or someone or simple walk away....i dont deal with it...which is good in some sense (such as work) but i think maybe in some ways thats made me not deal with issues in my life...like for example when 2 weeks after me n Ang split she suddenly had a new gf....instead of venting at her and making her accountable...i sat there and cried on the phone and she tried to make me feel better...i shoulda point blank told her thats not how i expect to be treated...and i think in a lot of circumstances i can be like that. And i know sure as hell back then when going thru that heart ache...i resorted to food...

I had a PT session today...omg she worked me so hard she has really stepped up the intensity the last few weeks....today i did squats with the ball in my back whilst holding a 7 kilo weight...man that was hard work

This week im gonna aim for 5 sessions at the gym. Im starting work at 9.30 monday to thursday so im gonna wake at 6.15am...lol lets see if i manage it even one day heh

After the session i went shopping....bought a denim jacket, new handbag, 2 new books (one on that girl in belguim who was a missing child who was found 7 years after being locked in a drama and the maria korp case - yes for people who didnt know im a true crime buff lol) im gonna save the maria korp one for on the bus over to streaky bay tho...then i bought a orange jumper, a black hooded fleecy top...a red hooded top, white t shirt, a orange top for going out...think thats all...OH and a glow in the dark care bear for my nieces birthday LOL

There was a pool nite on tonite...but its too friggin cold to go out plus was all the way down at christies beach but im not sorry to have a saturday nite at home specially in this cold...okies everyone...have a fabulous weekend !

Well lets hope i ahve no problems with this post as i notice blogger is being a bit of a pain.

Went to the gym this morning....i firstly did 5 minutes on the cross trainer....anyone used this before???? OMFG is all i can say...my heart rate certainly got up....then i did 20 minutes on the bike...and then i planned to do 5 minutes on the rower but 3 minutes and i was dying so i finished. They also released a new schedule for the classes and they have added lots of classes that are just 30 minutes long...which means i may be able to last em LOL...theyve now got classes on boxing, cross training, pilates, amazing abs, circuit so some more variety. Next friday on my day off ill try a 30 minute boxing class...so yep u guessed it my head is in the right head space again.

Im nearly finished my booked "stolen time" omggggggggggg SO good !!! if u like true life biographies u really have to get it. Tomorrow morning i am planning to go to the gym and then also on saturday for my PT session...ill be weighing in next on tuesday so gonna try REAL hard !

Okies lunch is practically over...time to do some work !

Well i still havent got back on track but am DETERMINED today. So far...so good...slice of fruit toast for breakfast and just had 30 grams on mixed nuts. For lunch i am planning to have a wrap with chicken, lil bit of cheese, low fat mayo lettuce and tomato. And then tonite...i am planning to have a ceaser salad with a baguette...im also onto the water. I didnt set my alarm so didnt make it to the gym. But when i woke i did do 50 steps on the stepper and will do 50 more before i go to sleep tonite...so im getting there LOL

Yesterday went to the movies...and was a nice reminder of how nice it is to fit into the seats. I went and saw "Because I said so" which i loved. I was thinking of seeing pirates of the caribean but i havent seen the first 2 movies.

Tonite i will set my alarm and am determined to do a workout.

This weekend i dont have much planned. I was suppose to volunteer saturday nite but they have made no contact (as promised) with the details so i doubt its on. Sunday i plan venturing out to TTP to go shoppinggggggggggggggggggg !!! I have a voucher for $50 + im taking $500 out of my bonus money.

Okies off i go .... la la la


LATER

Well im declaring this day a success...i wasnt perfect but it was a improvement, i had a lepigna roll with ham, cheese n tomato for lunch. I then went to the team meeting...where kate the only other female in my team and a wunderful cook had made mini cheese cakes ! And yes i did have one...i didnt have anything organised for dinner so stopped at macccas and picked up the thai chicken deli roll...and have just whipped up a ww chocolate mousse. Tomorrows aim is to do it all again AND go to the gym.

Also i nearly forgot to post my blood test results. My cholesterol level is 4.6, blood sugar is 3.6 which is good good...my iron, thyroid, liver and kidneys are all good. The blood cells did show some "markers" which indicate a virus altho not which virus, i have to go back in a month to be retested and if the "markers" arent normal they will investigate further...but im feeling better so will prolly be fine.

My heel/instep has been a lot better lately so im gonna start treadmill work...nothing much just 5 minutes ill do for the next few weeks...okies mousse should be just about ready ! off i go !

Well lawdie whatttttttttttttt a week ! Where do i start...lol....firstly whilst 90% of the time my food has been good,,,,,ive been bad,,,,,and eaten some really high in salt, processed food...so at the moment my scales are showin a 3 kilo gain. Im sure a proportion of that is fluid retention...but back to getting serious as of today ! And also serious about the gym again...ive been going maybe twice a week...simply finding excuses not to go...and well its not on...i know some weeks cos of my roster getting to the gym may be hard but this week it wont be and im going 5 days this week, tuesday to saturday.

We got our annual bonus letter last week and we get the bonus this week...and its nice and healthy ! and incredibly well timed. My fridge is dying a slow death....so thats the first thing...needs to be replaced...i may go down to radio rentals and look at their fridges this afternoon and price one...i also plan to take out $500 for clothes and the remainder (prolly about $800) i will put down on a lounge suite and pay the rest of between now and when its delivered. So all exciting.

When i went into work on friday they announced we are now getting free broadband at home ! So after transferring to big pond cos i was getting a better deal...i now have to churn back to optus lol cos im not knocking back free dsl....so i organised that friday nite.

Last nite i went out to the wheaty hotel...and oh what a nite lol. We went there and a friend of felicitys was turning up...she turned up....and felciity had showed her my photo and she thought i was cute and i guess she presumed we would get it on lol (should never presume when it comes to me ! lol) anyway she wasnt my type very agressive which i personally find unattractive and i thought she verged on being rude. She then pulled felicity aside and was like "well is she interested" and felicity was like i dunno...i havent asked her. Then another friend tan says to me (in front of this ladies adult son - dont ask why he was there - thats another story) and says is felicity trying to set u up? i said nah i dont think so...but i guess she likes me but im not interested....well lol next thing her son runs over to her lmfao -oops- and next thing she comes back to the table and is all over felicity calling her baby and telling felicity to come over for dinner....and felicity over the nite changed her opinion of this woman cos of how she was acting and was like "well we will see" lol...this morning felicity apologised for this woman...but as i told her not her fault....i just found that womans personality unnattractive. So despite finding her unnattractive...it means SOMEONE found me attractive or cute lol...so huge ego boost and readjustment of my thinking ! Okies i have uploaded a photo or two so enjoy.

Well...weigh in is not gonna be so good this week LOL...i found bbq shapes at my mums house :( and had some doritos too LOL...ive been back on track since yesterday but going by my scales ive had a 4 kilo gain !! What the ...! Either my scales are seriously fukked up or im retaining fluid like a mermaid lol...the plan today was to get stuck into my water...but wtf happens??? SA Water drilled into one of the water pipes on the street i work by accident and theres no water coming into the building for 2.5 hours (not much fun when u think theres 300+ workers here) I just had my half a scone and slim drink...mmmmmmmmmmm

Last nite i made chicken and cashew stirfry from the symply too good to be true books...yum yum...was so scrummy and delish and was filled with lots of vegies...snowpeas...and capsicum etc yummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Im off to the docs tonight to get my blood test results....okies off to do some work !

OMG sooooooooooo tired. Im still house sitting my mums place and finding it a lil hard to sleep at nite...i went to bed at 10.30pm last nite and didnt manage to get to sleep till after 2am and as the alarm went off at 7am...very very sleepy...got a snealy suspicion i will fall asleep easily tonite lol.

Yesterday i met felicity and a friend of hers tan at the grace emily hotel to listen to this singer...susie keyes...being that we were both disorganised...we only made it for the olast 4 or 5 songs...so we decided we are going to go again next sunday to hear the whole set. Its at this very cool lil hotel...and in this back room woth sofas and a tiny stage...with people sitting on the floor and the sofas...etc Then not long after i got home Felicity messaged me to say Tan wants us to go out with her saturday night...so look who has plans again? lol So saturday i will be off to the wheaty hotel which is a bit of a lesbian hangout from all accounts.

Okies off i go to do some work

LATER...isnt funny how we slowly learn things without realising? I can be kind of superficial lol (prolly no shock there) anyway people especially of the weight watcher under 140 thread been telling me...be who you are and confident and people will be attracted to that, anyway yesterday when we went to this pub and saw this girl singing...i was watching her and thought...hmmm yumm...and then as i watched her a bit more i "really" looked at her...and i thought wow thats not someone i would have thought was attractive (im usually a fan of cleavage and that she didnt have LOL) and anyway it clicked to me...it was her "presence" that i am attracted too...and not to get off the whole weightloss topic altogether cos i know the whole "lesbian" talk prolly scares some people off but hell it is my journal...but it makes me realise why im attracted to "soft butch" girls...its their "presence" their confidence. If i look at a girl in a completely superficial way...the one who is attractive in a superficial sense would have long hair buxom boobs...but the type of girls im ACTUALLY interested in is that girl regardless of what she looks like (altho simialr height would be nice) but that girl who is totally confident in herself...not outspoken but confident in the person she is comfortable with her,,, of course my guess is shes a jeans and tshirt wearer which is not aesthetically what im attracted to but that presence would be what im attracted too. Wow i am finally figuring out what i want ! lol I met this woman online a few years ago...lets call her "C" and she was from Sydney and Bi...and i use to have lots of indepth chats with her but i remember once specifically...where she said "you will never have a successful relationship" till YOU know what you want and followed up with "how can you expect a partner to know what you want when you dont know what you want" and its so true...so "C" im getting there LOL i also remember after me and Ang broke up i was at the grrls bar that use to be open in the city and i saw this girl...omg charisma and presence nooooooooo end...but she wasnt "attractive" aesthetically...and i remember being a tad confused...but now its all suddenly making sense....oooo girls...gotta love em !!!! lol

PS thanks for all the comments - they are always lovely to recieve !

oooooooo well its been a grande day !!!! first things first....weighed in and wo0ot lost 1.5 kilos. I was also measured and lost a total of 15 centimetres in the past month...so yay all is going in the right direction. Also when i went to fernwood, Amy my slim coach told me about a new program fernwood is doing...its called butterfly and starts July 1, it basically is too keep you motivated over winter with lots of group sessions, it will include information sessions...group personal training sessions...as a group attending classes...you work in teams and then towards the end they do a bit of spoiling...like giving us pedicures and manicures....and at the very end of the 3 months a hair stylist and make up artist will come in and make us over and then a photographer will do some shots for us to purchase. So thats really exciting and gonna be great motivation...have i mentioned lately i think joining fernwood was the best decision ive made? LOL

I also cycled 12 kilometres again today in 30 minutes :)

And it looks like next sunday night i am going to the drag ball ! LOL with my friend felicity and another friend of hers she has met from online and hopefully we can drag some of the other grrls from the sofa we have met...i just plan to go and boogy !!!! Tomorrow I am off in the afternoon to listen to a band susan keyes play.

Okies off i go...have a fantabulous weekend all - i know i will !!!!

Oh and nearly forgot...hypothetical question id love to get peoples views on....would you go out or date someone who was in a different socio-economic group to yourself??? Thanks byesssssssssssssss

Well g'day all...been a few days eh? Well been overtired again so yesterday i was off to the docs and had a blood test...they are checking for glandular fever (thats mono to the yanks) to see if im having a reoccurence of it as i had it about 8 years ago. They are also checking my salt and iron levels.

And its fridayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!! And i have the whole weekend off YaY. Altho im gonna keep it relatively quiet. Tomorrow i have to weigh in and will do a workout and then ill go do my grocery shopping and drop it off at my house before i head back to my mums house (am house sitting till monday night) Then sunday i am going out to lunch with Tania and then after that later in the day I am catching up with Felicity at a pub in town to listen to a band play. Saturday nite im staying home gonna cook marinated chicken and rice and have a nice quiet and warm relaxing night.

Tomorrow at my weigh in im getting measured too...so that will be exciting.

Okies off i go !