Monday, June 25, 2007

Well lawdie posting 2 days running...things must be getting back to normal eh? Actually they are....and today i feel great. Much more like myself....i started work at 7.45am today and when i got into work just before 7.30am i was chatting away and the bois were like my gawd ur chipper today arent u??? LOL

But yes i feel much better when i was struggling with TOM not only did i have the cramps but i didnt feel myself, normally im pretty laid back and easy going...but i was feeling and the only way i can describe it is claustrophobic...kinda like everyone and everything stay the hell away from me LOL...but i am not feeling good. And i have been good on the food front today and being much nicer and more realistic with myself today. Even with the gains i have at the moment of which some will be fluid...im still about 6 kilos lighter then when i joined the gym. My life is getting to such a neat happy lil place these days. In fact sometimes i sit here kinda amazed...and its not about my weight...or about fitting into a outfit...the big thing is how happy i am and starting to realise how people see me. Yanno i dont really suffer from a poor self esteem...i have good self worth...if i was to get into a relationship...i have standards and expectations...there are things i will and wont put up with...but while i have that self worth i have a poor view of how i felt people see me. Im no model and never will be but over the last few months to be called by people who know me things like cutey...and to be told im attractive or have a lovely smile or like last week to be told i am a beautiful woman is quite astounding to me...and for it to slowly sink in is wonderful too...i feel like bit by bit more of me is coming out...i am being more of myself...not thinking i should hide this part of me or that part of me...and truly coming to like myself. Which is a lot more relaxing...when you dont have to be guarded about your life. I think right up until this point of my life theres been a need to accept and work out within myself my sexuality. Being a lesbian and things that have been impacted by this is a huge part of "me". Thats not to say i talk about it a lot...to be honest i dont...altho the bois at work know and tease me LOL about girls...but anyway i remember being as young as 10 and having crushes on older women except i didnt realise what was going on back then...just knew i liked them...and wanted to be around...i remember being liek 12-13 and wondering if what i felt about women was normal and i recall reading teen magazines. Like dolly etc and you'd read the letters the girls would write in and theyd say stuff like i like this girl a LOT does that make me a lesbian? And the responses i recall reading was no its natural to have crushes on older women as you grow up...so i didnt question it a lot then. And being the quite conservative family i have...and living in Adelaide i never really questioned it growing up...altho by the time i was 25 i did start to wonder... and boy oh boy when i discovered the lesbian chat rooms...after time i knew without a doubt id found "me" lol but im a late bloomer in some ways and its taken time but "me" is at a nice place right now.

Okies well dinner is cooking...tuna and cheese pasta...yum yum...have a good nite all ~!

1 comment:

Whoever I want to be said...

Just popping in to say Hi and have a great weekend

Jaxx