Motivation

So Tania asked the question of how do i stay motivated. So i decided to use that question as a basis for a post. And its actually not a easy question to answer and for ME is made up of several different answers.

So the first part of the answer is...i was over 170 kilos...going back there scares the bejeezus out of me. I dont want to get back to a situation where a short walk was too hard for me...where the highhlight of me day is eating KFC for dinner while staring at a computer screen. I just refuse to go back there....so i have no other choice but to either maintain or lose more weight. I often think about the saying.....that time will pass either way...and i will either lose, maintain or gain....im going with the first option.

In line with that i am also convinced if i dont reach 76 kilos or lower then i will regain it all back. So while yes im not perfect and will fall of the wagon at times i always will get back on it.

Having lost so much weight....and getting told regularly "your an inspiration" imagine how mortifying it would be to put on all the weight again. I just couldnt handle so other peoples expectations certainly play a part in this.

The gym completely motivates me...you can guarantee if im not on track i havent been to the gym...once ive gone back i generally get in that right headspace again...im not sure if its the exercise itself or just being around healthy minded people but it works....slack off at the gym and everything else seems to follow along.

Of course Fiona is a HUGE motivating factor. I remember when i first started training with her....id been training for a few months and it was when the dreaded TRX was completely doing my head in...and i sent her a message saying i needed a break from the gym etc and i will never forget her reply cos often when im having a moment when i wanna ditch it all i often think of this and it was jsut a simple "are you doing this to punish yourself" and ultimately going off track is going to hurt no one but me...we have to take responsibility for this journey ourselves good and bad. Of course now after training with her for nearly 3 years i dont even think i could quit my PT sessions LOL i would feel so guilty and I know she would be disappointed and whilst of course she would get over it its ultimately hurting myself. The gym itself and the empowerment of getting fit gives you helps motivate me too. The classes i do...especially classes like body balance which can have some rather tricky moves etc in them....to attend the class week after week then one week realise....wow i do this so much better now...its a fabulous feeling....everytime i improve at a exercise or step or whatever its another step closer to normality. Its another step away from me being "the fat girl" Whilst fiona doesnt sit there and check on my weight etc there is motivation in other ways....especially lately where we have been figuring out times for me to do things...like the treadmill...the rower...and fiona often tells me the time she can do the same thing in and i find that INCREDIBLY motivating...she is a trainer i dont expect to be able to do things better then her...im kewl with me coming in second when its between the two of us....but to come close to her times...or even beat her times (and that has happened once!!!) its hugely motivating.

The other thing is .... the place im at right now is pretty cool...i have under 20 kilos to get to the heatlhy weight range for my height...i caught myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and whilst yes i am still hippy and big thighs i was stunned by how small (not counting my boobs!) i look on the top half...i mite even say i look "normal" on that top half. My body is certainly getting shape...my legs are slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy getting smaller...nearly every week i notice something new...whether its feeling new bones...change in shape or whatever its all changing...now more then it has previously that in itself is motivating...i would be insane after getting this close to goal to ever give up....the other thing is....to give up would be a huge lifestyle change for me. Its not just about the food...sure i could eat KFC every night but do i really want a lifestyle where i go to work come home and sit in front of the tv eating crap food??? I dont want food to be the highlight of my day like it once was...what i do want is to go to the gym....and despite my grumblings walk out of there feeling happy, accomplished and knowing its another step closer to where i want to be :)

Well i havent posted for a bit. Its been a busy emotional week which involved emotional eating! oops!! I knew i was meeting mum for lunch on thursday (hadnt seen her since january) which always stresses me...and lo and behold the 3 days before i went a lil bit insane on the food side of things :( Anyway met mum for lunch on thursday so thats all done and dealt with.

After 6 days without gymming it felt "foreign" to be back in the gym. But all went well. Firstly i weighed in and gained 2.9 kilos - oops!!! I have tried to just get back on track the last few days...not counting calories just putting better food in my gob and im down 1.3 kilos :) Monday i will start tracking the calories again.

Tuesday i am heading back to the gym...(has been closed most of easter) ill be doing a fat burner class and body balance which should be good :)

I just ordered last week the two Jillian books i dont have...one is called unlimited and the other is called "making the cut" im mostly interested in making the cut as her plan in that book is what i will start to follow when i hit about 83 kilos (about 13 kilos from where i am now) and will involve changing my calorie intake quite a bit...i have a idea on how she thinks you should do that last 5-7 kilos...and im excited knowing i have a new plan for that side of things. Only 13 or so kilos to go and i can move onto that phase :)

Not really much else to say...hope everyone is having a good easter!!!!

Oh its a long one.............

Im reading a book at the moment called "born to run" great book about this mexican tribe who run barefoot - they dont run short distances they will run the equivilent of 2 marathons in a day then get up the next day and do it all again and will do it either barefoot or in sandals!! More then the greatness of what they are doing some of what i am getting out of this book is the "mindset" of things. Theres one bit in the book where the authors explains men do this,,,women do this....even 85 year old guys do this...running hundreds of miles....and while in our society if we see a 85 year old guy doing about his daily stuff and we think "oh he is so sprightly" the author questions....how can a 85 year old guy run this much? And the reason is cos he never got told he CANNOT. Its so true....we get conformed to our perceptions...ideas by others. I have said many times that my mum never let me ride a bike. I was too dangerous for it....i would injure myself....so ive never owned a bike and whilst i would love a bike....i do live near two main roads and even tho i guess i could ride it on the suburban back streets...my mums perceptions are a lil too entrounced in my brain and so i do believe if i got a bike...id end up flat on a main road being carted off in a ambulance. So at this stage the bike thing is still on hold. And its these perceptions that people put on us that form who we are today. When i was in high school i was a huge fan of the young doctors...i thought nurse tanya was the ants pants!! I wanted to be her!!! lol I loved all that nursing stuff...i read all sue bartons books (she was a student nurse) i really wanted to be a nurse back then....but my mum constantly said "but u cant stand the sight of blood" so whether i coulda handled it or not...i decided i couldnt. I always liked kids....still adore them today....so my mum would always tell me i should be a teacher. That was a good respectable job eh? I did work experience at several primary schools and that was the plan....but was that what mum expected so thats what i was gonna do or was it my choice...cos lets face it if i wanted involvement in a kids life so much wouldnt i have looked into ways into have a kid? We then moved to Adelaide my home life got a bit messed up....and so at 17 i moved out of home. Suddenly i was scraping together hours at target to come up with money for oh i dunno rent and food! Suddenly it wasnt about careers it was about managing to keep my head above water (i did move home twice but they were both short lived adventures ;)) I worked at target for several years....then the goal become that i wanted a full time job....mum was always on my ass about banks....so i applied and lo and behold got a job at BankSA. I worked there for 10.5 years. I was very career orientated while there especially the last 5 years or so but then something distracted me....called chat rooms and a computer. I became obsessed with them....and prolly from staying up all nite i suddenly had glandular fever and so i used it as a excuse to quit the bank. That was the start of where my life really went to chit and i dont know if i have even posted this before. I quit the bank...i had a MORTGAGE...i had recieved a sizeable payout....and for the next year barely left my house except to get food....i was behind on the mortgage and still my life was just focused on the chat rooms. I had lost complete concept of reality. Anyway 18 months after i quit the bank i finally got another job at optus. YAY had some money coming in. Not too long after that I went on a holiday to my sisters. A full week with no computer. (she had a computer but i didnt use it) it was like i was in detox! I had a week of not worrying about chat rooms....not having the worry of debt collectors at my door....it was not a overly exciting holiday....me and my sister lazed around reading magazines and watching tv....i seemed to permanantly have my nephew on my lap...we went out and did some site seeing it was nice and relaxing and for once i started to think about me and where my life was at. I went home and the next day for the first time prolly ever i took a stand against my mum. As i didnt drive i use to have to leave 2 hours before work started to get their (had to catch a bus and a train with suck ass timings) i knew i couldnt catch up on the mortgage repayments and i knew staying where i was .... was not the answer. But at this stage of my life i still ran EVERY decision past my mum and if she didnt agree guess who didnt do it??? Anyway i rang her this morning (she knew what i was about to tell her was a option) i told her....dont try and talk me out of this....but im going to declare myself bankrupt today end of story. And i did .... as said as it was to lose the house and even now how financially damaging that has been for me....if i hadnt done it....id prolly be dead by now over 200 kilos still not giving a chit about myself or my home. So that happened....i moved....got a lil unit....put on a lil more weight ;) till eventually a few years later i started on this weight loss track. My point to this ramble...and i seem to have lost it somewhere along the track. When young i just tried to make ends meet....then i got to a point i was too big for a career....what i mean by that is....if your big your choices are limited. A office job with no face to face contact with customers is perfect for the fat girl....and its what i do now. My whole focus for the last few years has been my long service leave...i have wanted it and no way i was gonna leave my position to put that at risk....i mean 3.5 months off work is a awesome present!!! But the fact of the matter is the long service leave will finish at some point....and that leaves me with the question of do i wanna do this job for the next 20 years....ummmmm NO. Ive been thinking about this for a few weeks. In a perfect world I would do the PT course and be rich and happy with that! But the reality is there are no certaintys with that career (well there arent with any but lemme explain) i know full time work is rare...you either go out on your own which i guess has the risks of any self owned business or you work in a gym where its not likely to be full time work...at least not till your experienced. That is the only thing that puts me off becoming a personal trainer...i think i would love the work...maybe even rock at it....but being single i would need to be very careful. Which then leads me to if i dont do that (and trust me im still leaning toward the PT very much so) then what do i do.....do i opt for a 9-5 receptionist type role (yanno only skinny attractive girls get those!!!) or do i reach for the stars? I know i would like a "active" role....when i was about 16/17 i applied for the army (yes really!!!) i passed all the tests except the pyschologist thought it was better i wait a year or two...of course i never reapplied...or maybe the police force? Certainly wouldnt be bored there and wouldnt necessarily be stuck behind a desk!! I know regardless what I decide to do i need to get my drivers licence *ugh* but i do need to make some plans....focus on whatever i decide it to be....and then soon as i am at goal start working towards whatever it is. When i started this journey it was to get a life...a social life and a gf....im 18 kilos from goal and really still dont have any of those things. And thats my own doing cos i dont "put myself out there" enough...and i know that....and i may never have a gf or even a fabulous social life....but i can get myself a "life" with time hopefully my weekends will involve working towards runs etc and working towards a career that will actually make me happy and be fulfilling!

Okies enuff ramble...off to read more of my book!

I think I need to really put a plan in action for this running thing if i am ever gonna do it. I have downloaded the C25k program more times then i can count....i do a few sessions then dont seem to make it back to it. Maybe i just need to pick a speed on the treadmill...do say 3 minutes...(dunno if i can even last 3 minutes) then the next session do 4 minutes...then 5 minutes etc. The whole thought of just getting outside and running without feeling like i am going to have a heart attack is so enticing...but i guess im stuck on getting from the cant run to being a runner stage...the gym had a running group...i should have done that :(

Went shopping for gym clothes today....two tops...two pants...all size 16 so YAY :) I also had been listening to Jillians radio show earlier in the week and she was talking about to help the hormones balance out use only products (beauty etc) that you put on your skin that are chemical free. So threw out my shampoo, conditioner, deoderant and soap today. I bought some goats milk soap and shampoo, conditioner and deoderant by sukin. Had a shower earlier and washed my hair...all was a success :)

This morning i was at the gym BRIGHT and early...7am in fact!!! Holy crap!!! lol did body combat and 10 mins on the treadmill...so 500 calories burnt in a hour so YAY me.

My long service leave has been bought forward....first day is now may 30 cannot wait to spend all that time dedicated to my weight loss :) Ok off i go ... enjoy all!

5 YEARS TODAY :)

Well...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my journal....5 years ago today i started it :)

Struggling with the whole weight loss thing...appears im gonna have a small gain again this week (500 grams) im a lil over 1 week having a big loss then 3-4 weeks of small fluctuations...maybe its a plateau...i dont really know...when i jumped on the scales tomorrow if i weigh 94 kilos or more im not going to my weigh in....and going to take that as a sign of no more weighing in at the gym. Im not overly worried about that....only thing that is honestly stopping me at this stage is that it is handy having someone measure me....also i like knowing the body fat...as the aim is to get under 25% body fat. Today is a low calorie day...1200 calories...and im gonna work my ass of at the gym tonite in hope i may be able to pull out a tiny loss (id be so friggin happy with a 100 gram loss! lol) So tonite...its cardio sculpt class...then 20 minutes of interval running....then body combat class...then a double PT session...fingers crossed it leads to a loss! I really am thinking...1200 calories per day and 5-6 days of exercise burning at least 500 calories per day (i always do 3 days 800 calories or more which i could hopefully get up to 4000 calories burnt for the week...this weeks calorie burn was only 3077 calories...so if i did add another 1-2 days per week...i could hit 4000 calories burnt.

So thats the plan at this rate....we will see what happens...have a good day all!

I wrote this post....then went and read one of my fave blogs "bitchcakes" and saw her ormal weekly post "things i accomplished this week" and then walked away...but as i walked i got thinking about how cool it is she does that each week...shes at goal....but she is still working towards things each week. So maybe thats what i need to do...i dont know how really to take the focus of the scales its something i have always struggle with but i might start doing just one post per week "great moments of the week" or something...and especially with the fitness stuff put more about what i am ACCOMPLISHING.

Reassessing....

I am thinking its time for some reassessment. As much as people think i shouldnt have my scales at home...in some ways they are a help. Being a daily weigher over the last week i have noticed 2 things....the first is eating 1200 calories a day without exercise does not mean the scales will budge (and often fluctuate) but the days i am noticing the scales move are the big exercise days. Whether im eating 1200...1600 or 1800 calories.....it seems to be if i burn at least 800 calories that day i see a move on the scales in the right direction to some degree. Now im pretty educated on nutrition and i eat rather well....Amy when she looked at my food diary agreed i eat "very well rounded" so i think nutrition wise at this stage everything is fine. The calorie cycling seems to work. What i think needs to alter is the exercise. My PT sessions I think are just what i need for this stage...a lot of *ghastly* cardio with one weights session...altho the thought of throwing in a boxing session once a fortnight just to break things up is in the back of my mind. And i gym it 4 days a week currently...3 days per week i go pretty hard core....tuesday nite is weigh in nite and i tend to be a lil slack there. I think at this stage what I need to do is increase my exercise, and what I think I need to do is 5 nights a week the weeks i work on the weekends...the weeks i dont do 6 days a week. Now i printed up michelle bridges intermediate exercise program today and im gonna do the same next week for the advanced and the lean and strong one. I think what I do on mondays, thursdays and saturdays currently works (altho i noticed this week she set a mini triathlon mite even try that tomorrow!) But i am thinking tuesday, wednesdays and fridays i need to go in too...there is 3 cardio plans that i could follow on those days. I could just start from her beginners program...which does include a "learn to run" program and i could work thru to the advanced program. Which would give me some quite precise stuff to do...there is weights in it as well...but i could leave that for later. Maybe if i can do this...and hit over 4000 calories burnt per week or more...my losses mite get moving...cos whilst this week is a good loss...the scales have barely moved this week (in fact they were 93.9 tuesday morning and 94.1 this morning :( ) It gets quite demoralising...i know im healthier...fitter etc....but when i think its taken nearly friggin 5 years....a awful lot of money....a awful lot of time at the gym... a awful lot of scrummy food i have avoided and got out of my system....yet still im in size 18-20 trousers. Was thinking of splurging on some exercise pants from Lorna Jane....but the pants i wanted only went up to a large size...and even size XL i wouldnt friggin fit into !! I know my hips and that are shrinking...but it seriously pisses me off..its like a never ending trip...75 kilos and i still cant fit into pants from a normal store....add to that several friendships have altered....which i dont know but do feel may be related to my weight....its just frustrating as hell. Cos when i reread my very first post on this journal "i wanted back my life" and in a lot of ways i am no closer to it now then i was 5 years ago...except i weigh less...anyway enuff rambling....have a good weekend all!

One happy chick still!

I am still a bit stunned about last nights weigh in. I did expect a loss of 700 grams as thats what my scales had shown since saturday and I knew i only had 1.7 kilos to lose to get to the 75 kilos but still rather stunned! I think the best part is not that I have lost 75 kilos but that I have under 20 kilos to lose. That seems amazing but must admit it gets me thinking that i cant imagine losing 20 kilos will be enough. To me i think i still need to lose another 30 kilos. Whilst i know some will think i am insane the photos i have uploaded are me in tight jeans....trust me the suck everything in and make me look slimmer then i really am.

Jaimee said something the other day that got me thinking...she was like i know when you get to goal...you will just set a new goal....and the possibility is i could be at goal by the end of the year (OMG!) but i think i need to seriously consider what happens then. This weight loss journey has been everything for the last practically 5 years....and to ensure I stay at goal i wanna make sure i dont get to goal and think "is that it?" i wanna get to goal and think ok next thing i wanna work on in life is.........................

No idea whar the hell the blank will be that will fill it in....apart from the obvious PT course...but i think just aimlessly going to the gym ill get bored....ill need to have a "physical" side of things to work towards at that point (which is still a while away). I wish i had got into running better cos then it would be like...working towards some awesome running thing...but i have serious doubts ill ever truly be a runner. I know pretty much im at goal i can do whatever i want...whether its tavel...exercise....whatever....its prolly more that i wont know what i want! lol

75 KILOS LOST!!!

OMG IM FREAKING OUT!!!! I lost 2.1 kilos tonite!!! woooo freaking hoooo!! So i now weigh 95.5 kilos (seriously that sounds TINY!!!) So i have lost 75.4 kilos...AND i have only 19.5 kilos to "goal" and to celebrate the occassion i uploaded a new pic from saturday nite ;)!!

Its a new week...

Wow what a busy social weekend I had...was great!!

Friday nite i went out with friends to a local pub for dinner. I had a yummy chicken salad with crushed macadamia nuts thru it....was so freaking yuM!!! Then we went to the wheaty for a few drinks (only mineral water for me :)) Saturday morning I gymmed it...PT session....and fiona had me run one interval on the treadmill at 8.5 on a 2% incline (the rest were 8.2)...i swear i thought i was friggin gonna die....i really just wanted to say noooooooooooooo but ugh i freaking got thru. Also rowed the 2km on the rower...my time was 8mins 59 secs so 1 second off my best time....dont seem able to get under the 8 mins 58 seconds. Saturday i popped into my favourite second hand store...they had all summer stuff out for 50 cents each! LOL bought 6 tops fro $6.50 - bonus!!

Saturday night went out for dinner with Jaimee...went to a real nice restuarant...had barramundi with a rocket and orange salad...and had a few of jaimees kilfer potatos...super yummi then we headed to the wheaty as Jaimee decided i NEED a girlfriend...lol but we lucked out there. Did have one VERY interesting conversation with Jaimee. She was basically saying she would never wanna compete with me for anything...whether in the gym....or work wise or whatever she reckons cos if i set my mind to something i just do it. lol. She was then like and i know when you get to goal you will just set a new goal (she said something like going to india to help blind people see! LOL) so interesting conversation...quite bizarre to think anyone would see me like this cos i always think of me as the person who never finishes anything...this weight loss journey is the first time ive truly suck to anything...normally soon as something gets hard i give up.

Sunday was a pretty lazy day....did talk to Jody on Skype....and she is thinking about meeting me in LA and then we fly to NM together...exciting stuff!!! So would prolly spend 3-4 days in LA.

The scales at home dropped by 200 grams this morning. Today is my low calorie day of 1200 calories....so hopefully there is a more significant drop tomorrow...and fingers crossed hopefully tomorrow night i will have a decent loss (or just any damn loss i would be happy with!!) Tonite im gymming it...body combat and a PT session. My ankles a bit sore today (i did Week 1 Day 1 of C25K yesterday) and its been a bit tender since...so hopefully it survives tonite!

Enjoy your day all :)

Thursday nite i went to the gym. Fiona told me she had spoken to amy and it was fine for me to weigh in with her without following slim...so thats a weight of my mind. I basically started the calorie cycling on wednesday and its working rather well...i always enjoy how different calories on different days make me eat different each day....which i think ensuring variety is one of the keys for me. On monday nite as part of the foxy challenge had to see how long it took me to run 1km. Ive only realy done interval running...so did 1 minute running at 8km with a 2% incline and then walking for a minute at 6 with a 1% incline...thats the fastest speeds i have done for running and walking. And thursday night fiona is like you need to crack the 8 minutes on that lol...i have cardio today....i got a sneaky feeling i may be trying that again LOL

Last nite went out to dinner with friends and then to the pub for a few drinks (i drank mineral water all nite tho ;) ) anyway where we went i ended up having this chicken salad...it was chicken, rocket, finely sliced leek, tomato pieces, crushed macadamia nuts, feta cheese and im pretty sure the dressing was just olive oil and lemon juice. It was delicious to say the least so thats one i am gonna try to replicate this week at home. Most of the others ate dessert...but i was super good and just opted for a hot chocolate instead :) So i think i did pretty good last nite. I also bought home the scales. At the gym this week my weight was 97.6 kilos....on my scales at home this mornign mine were 94.6 kilos!!! Mine use to be 700 grams to about 1.5 kilos lighter then the gym ones...but hopefully this is a sign that i wont gain this week (gawd i freaking hope so!) i dont care if i only lose 100 grams this week...i just dont want a gain or i may cry and have a real princess like tantrum lol But the fact it said 94.6 kilos this morning is a good sign.

I have a slight sore throat today....so gonna pick up some losenges before the gym....then its PT ... 60 mins body pump...60 mins body balance....then i wanna stop at the second hand store see if they have any new stuff in and then tonite out for different with Jaimee then hoping to pop into a farewell drinks for a couple of the trainers at the gym. So busy day...two nites out in a row! lol I will be glad for tomorrow for a sleep in and a day at home.

Last nite i had two pretty awesome comments :) one when i walked in a friend said "wow you look like a model" haha ;) and another was walking behind me and said "theres hardly anything left of you" of course i smacked my ass and said theres still plenty there lol