Sunday, April 17, 2011

Oh its a long one.............

Im reading a book at the moment called "born to run" great book about this mexican tribe who run barefoot - they dont run short distances they will run the equivilent of 2 marathons in a day then get up the next day and do it all again and will do it either barefoot or in sandals!! More then the greatness of what they are doing some of what i am getting out of this book is the "mindset" of things. Theres one bit in the book where the authors explains men do this,,,women do this....even 85 year old guys do this...running hundreds of miles....and while in our society if we see a 85 year old guy doing about his daily stuff and we think "oh he is so sprightly" the author questions....how can a 85 year old guy run this much? And the reason is cos he never got told he CANNOT. Its so true....we get conformed to our perceptions...ideas by others. I have said many times that my mum never let me ride a bike. I was too dangerous for it....i would injure myself....so ive never owned a bike and whilst i would love a bike....i do live near two main roads and even tho i guess i could ride it on the suburban back streets...my mums perceptions are a lil too entrounced in my brain and so i do believe if i got a bike...id end up flat on a main road being carted off in a ambulance. So at this stage the bike thing is still on hold. And its these perceptions that people put on us that form who we are today. When i was in high school i was a huge fan of the young doctors...i thought nurse tanya was the ants pants!! I wanted to be her!!! lol I loved all that nursing stuff...i read all sue bartons books (she was a student nurse) i really wanted to be a nurse back then....but my mum constantly said "but u cant stand the sight of blood" so whether i coulda handled it or not...i decided i couldnt. I always liked kids....still adore them today....so my mum would always tell me i should be a teacher. That was a good respectable job eh? I did work experience at several primary schools and that was the plan....but was that what mum expected so thats what i was gonna do or was it my choice...cos lets face it if i wanted involvement in a kids life so much wouldnt i have looked into ways into have a kid? We then moved to Adelaide my home life got a bit messed up....and so at 17 i moved out of home. Suddenly i was scraping together hours at target to come up with money for oh i dunno rent and food! Suddenly it wasnt about careers it was about managing to keep my head above water (i did move home twice but they were both short lived adventures ;)) I worked at target for several years....then the goal become that i wanted a full time job....mum was always on my ass about banks....so i applied and lo and behold got a job at BankSA. I worked there for 10.5 years. I was very career orientated while there especially the last 5 years or so but then something distracted me....called chat rooms and a computer. I became obsessed with them....and prolly from staying up all nite i suddenly had glandular fever and so i used it as a excuse to quit the bank. That was the start of where my life really went to chit and i dont know if i have even posted this before. I quit the bank...i had a MORTGAGE...i had recieved a sizeable payout....and for the next year barely left my house except to get food....i was behind on the mortgage and still my life was just focused on the chat rooms. I had lost complete concept of reality. Anyway 18 months after i quit the bank i finally got another job at optus. YAY had some money coming in. Not too long after that I went on a holiday to my sisters. A full week with no computer. (she had a computer but i didnt use it) it was like i was in detox! I had a week of not worrying about chat rooms....not having the worry of debt collectors at my door....it was not a overly exciting holiday....me and my sister lazed around reading magazines and watching tv....i seemed to permanantly have my nephew on my lap...we went out and did some site seeing it was nice and relaxing and for once i started to think about me and where my life was at. I went home and the next day for the first time prolly ever i took a stand against my mum. As i didnt drive i use to have to leave 2 hours before work started to get their (had to catch a bus and a train with suck ass timings) i knew i couldnt catch up on the mortgage repayments and i knew staying where i was .... was not the answer. But at this stage of my life i still ran EVERY decision past my mum and if she didnt agree guess who didnt do it??? Anyway i rang her this morning (she knew what i was about to tell her was a option) i told her....dont try and talk me out of this....but im going to declare myself bankrupt today end of story. And i did .... as said as it was to lose the house and even now how financially damaging that has been for me....if i hadnt done it....id prolly be dead by now over 200 kilos still not giving a chit about myself or my home. So that happened....i moved....got a lil unit....put on a lil more weight ;) till eventually a few years later i started on this weight loss track. My point to this ramble...and i seem to have lost it somewhere along the track. When young i just tried to make ends meet....then i got to a point i was too big for a career....what i mean by that is....if your big your choices are limited. A office job with no face to face contact with customers is perfect for the fat girl....and its what i do now. My whole focus for the last few years has been my long service leave...i have wanted it and no way i was gonna leave my position to put that at risk....i mean 3.5 months off work is a awesome present!!! But the fact of the matter is the long service leave will finish at some point....and that leaves me with the question of do i wanna do this job for the next 20 years....ummmmm NO. Ive been thinking about this for a few weeks. In a perfect world I would do the PT course and be rich and happy with that! But the reality is there are no certaintys with that career (well there arent with any but lemme explain) i know full time work is rare...you either go out on your own which i guess has the risks of any self owned business or you work in a gym where its not likely to be full time work...at least not till your experienced. That is the only thing that puts me off becoming a personal trainer...i think i would love the work...maybe even rock at it....but being single i would need to be very careful. Which then leads me to if i dont do that (and trust me im still leaning toward the PT very much so) then what do i do.....do i opt for a 9-5 receptionist type role (yanno only skinny attractive girls get those!!!) or do i reach for the stars? I know i would like a "active" role....when i was about 16/17 i applied for the army (yes really!!!) i passed all the tests except the pyschologist thought it was better i wait a year or two...of course i never reapplied...or maybe the police force? Certainly wouldnt be bored there and wouldnt necessarily be stuck behind a desk!! I know regardless what I decide to do i need to get my drivers licence *ugh* but i do need to make some plans....focus on whatever i decide it to be....and then soon as i am at goal start working towards whatever it is. When i started this journey it was to get a life...a social life and a gf....im 18 kilos from goal and really still dont have any of those things. And thats my own doing cos i dont "put myself out there" enough...and i know that....and i may never have a gf or even a fabulous social life....but i can get myself a "life" with time hopefully my weekends will involve working towards runs etc and working towards a career that will actually make me happy and be fulfilling!

Okies enuff ramble...off to read more of my book!

3 comments:

Maggie said...

Woah..that WAS long!

When I was a teenager, and just starting to embrace the whole "I want to be healthy" path that my friends were on, I decided to try running. My mum & stepdad saw me run one day and started laughing. They told me I ran like one of those marionettes from that show "Thunderbirds". I never ran again. Until now. Screw them all I reckon.

Good on you for thinking about where you want to go from here. I think we get so stuck on what people have told us we CAN'T do, that we don't look any further.

I can't wait to see where your life takes you. And now I want to read that book!

Pinky said...

That was long but sometimes things need to be said and a blog is the perfect place to say it!
Making life changing decisions is a big thing and I wish you all the best with your next journey - I am sure once you decide what it really is that you want to do - it will happen!
You have come so far and achieved so much - Remember to put number one first - and what makes you happy and you can't go wrong with the decision.

Jane said...

We must have the same mother!!!!

After leaving school, my mother suggested that I join the bank - I applied and got the job. 7 years later I'd had enough of the bank and decided to go back to school. I applied for nursing and got accepted, but my mother told me I couldn't do nursing because I had to move to Townsville to go to the uni. I was told "you can't live there on your own" so I didn't go. My mother said I should do teaching over and over so now, I am a qualified teacher and I HATE it. Thankfully I have young kids and I can't afford to work at the moment with the price of child care - 3 in child care full time = $990 per week - teaching doesn't pay that much.

Anyway, like you I am stuck in what to do with my future!