So I was reading jaxxs journal today and she left quite a heartfelt post when reading it could see its a time which if i was in her shoes could make me to give up losing weight if i was doing well. So then i got thinking...why when id done so well for 6 months...did i falter and give up? Why after months of striving to lose weight...and being happy did i suddenly give it up? why did i falter? i mean i didnt falter for a week or two...its grown into 12 months of inconsistency and not following thru with the plan...ive constantly used joining the gym as thats where everything went pear shaped...but was it really that? Or something else...part of it i think...has to do with my self confidence. Yanno...if i cant meet a partner at size 26...well ok...that works....thats completely logical in my brain...i havent met a partner cos im fat...ok thats nice we can parcel that away in a lil box which makes sense. But what if i got down to size 16 and unable to meet a partner or worse a size 10 or 12...what does that say about me? Is it that im ugly? is it cos i got a suck ass personality? or is it just the luck of the draw? Ive made no secret that finding a partner was a huge motivational factor for me...im tired of living alone and being alone...while i dont need someone...it would make me so much happier to have someone to share it with...the more i think it...the more i thinkits easier to cope with not having a partner while fat...ive got the perfect excuse for being single. Does that make sense? I truly am babbling lol...and its a huge factor....that chick i saw last weekend at the dance that i thought was cute...if i was a size 16 i wouda approached her....but at this size i feel like if i do that th person would basically laugh in my face. Yanno then i think...but I snagged ang...so i must have something going for me right? or is that cos i got to know her online for so many years that i coulda looked like a witch by the time we met she woulda still loved me...then again i dated mel...and she liked me...and told me us not continuing was not cos of my size...and i remember her telling me i had a cute smile...but still...she wanted out...and i know its only one person....but sill makes me wonder i know...i realise tho getting back to weight loss...i cant not keep going...i need to...apart from the fact i need to too prolong my life...my chance at truly meeting someone will be impacted by my size and how i feel about myself. I just have to get this in my head..and understand that the more weight i lose...the more my chances of meeting someone will increase...altho its not a guarantee...

Got the party tomorrow nite...getting rather nervous...most dont know im gay and im dreading the "do you have a boyfriend kazz" questions...dont really wanna be telling people im gay while at my friends party. Okies enuff off for some dinner !

16th june !!! write that date down...cos im going back to ww on that date...if i dont im gonna end up putting all the weight back on and i so dont want that. I went shopping today and had to buy size 26 ! Like holy crap...thats just pathetic...and the crazy thing is i dont even enjoy eating the crap food (well except for salt & pepper chicken which i discovered recently) but yanno its blah...and im noticing things like im thirsty all the time...ive had 3 damn migraines in the last 2 weeks...and i feel sluggish so another couple of weeks i think i will have this completely out of my system. i miss that good healthy feeling. plus im gonna buy the nintendo wii so hopefully i will exercise and enjoy it. So today i bought 2 pairs of jeans...a top in size 24 which is too small (ugh) so need to swap that over for a size 26...a new bra...some boots...necklace...bracelet...and socks. I am really looking forward to the party saturday night...hopefully some photos will get taken...and i can post them next week (like the damn lesbian i am i dont take a handbag when i go out so nowhere to carry a camera LOL)

Found out today we got new staff on monday and one of the newbies...ill be taking under my wing...this is the second time ive got to do this...i like doing coaching and this kinda stuff so thats great. Saturday arvo i am getting my hair done...getting rid of the blonde streaks and gonna get it layered more...fingers crossed it ends up looking good.

Okies another early morning tomorrow (damn these 7.30am starts) so off i go...ni ni all =]

Well i have had another migraine ugh. I think its from the computer screens at work...the doctor thinks so too...thankfully on the weekend we are getting new flat screens at work which should resolve the issue.

I am starting to get the desire back to get on track...im gonna wait another 2 weeks then give it some serious thought. I have decided tho to cancel my gym membership...when i think back my weight loss was better when i was doing exercise at home. But on that note with my bonus which i get on the 12th june i am going to buy a nintendo wii ! I know theyre expensive but...they are fun and could get me off my butt and enjoying myself. I got a email tonight to say my $300 coles myer voucher arrived at work today too ! So will get it tomorrow and will buy some new clothes with it and this weekend i am going to get my hair recoloured...im gonna go to like a caramel colour...im tired of having it blonded all the time. Im gonna get it layered a lot more too. Hopefully will look nice.

In the lesbian world...theres labelling which i guess happens everwhere...the main labels are butch and femme...altho there are others like dyke, queer etc Anyways Ive always thought i fell SLIGHTLY to the femme side...not overly cos im not overly gurly anyway i did this buch/femme test and this was the result:

Your score placed you in the category of Soft Androgyne. This is the "steel magnolia" type. You may also wish to review Strong Femme and Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 41 and 47 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your group is a large part of the 35-45 age group for the most part and has a wide mix of genders and orientations.

For most of your life and social interaction, you don't really see yourself as either butch or femme, but if pressed into a corner, you react more femme than butch. You prefer to seek aid rather than solve your problems on your own, and prefer to give aid rather than to encourage someone to stand on their own feet. You're fairly well balanced over all, with the occasional weakness you haven't quite yet conquered.

Education is important to you, as you see knowledge as a key to independence and freedom, and you tend to have a higher educational level than your peers, either formally or by self-teaching. You read a lot, and a varied assortment of genres, enjoying cartoons as much as heavy psych drama. Biography, however, bores you. You like historical anecdotes but are not very good at memorizing dates, having a more general sense of time.

Your home is a roof for you and not a showplace. Order is optional. You cook if you have to and are efficient at it but really don't like to bother. You prefer to be fed. You like small dogs or big cats and the occasional hamster.

You enjoy a fairly strong butch for a partner, along the lines of a Feminist or Classic Butch, and take on other Androgynes as friends. Family is not terribly important to you, and odds are good you came from a home where that was not the primary issue. You may have a good, but distant relation with your family, or may not be in touch at all, but it's pretty certain you don't live with them unless you have to, or in the same city.

I tell you this is such a good description of me (well except for the part about biographies boring me...i actually enjoy em) I always thought thats where i fall in the whole stream of it. Was rather interesting even if it was just some fun lol

OKies off i go !

Oh what a nite !

Well i sat down last to write a post but got distracted with dinner and big brother LOL. Had a great weekend...went to the golden dance...had a blast...was this chick there sexii as hell...so perved her most of the night but being the chicken chit i am i didnt go over and say hi *blah* but danced had a few drinks was a really great nite (altho i did have a lil hangover yesterday morning LOL)

This coming weekend I have a 40th to go to saturday nite...and think im gonna get my hair down and have it recoloured a caramel colour...bit over the blonde streaks as my hair grows so fast the roots come thru so quickly. Anyway saturday nite is a friend I went to schools 40th most of our friends are going but i have not seen most for 5-10 years....so going to be a very interesting night. Its a 80's themed party so i plan just dancing the whole nite lol

This morning i started work at 7.30am which meant i needed to set my alarm for 5.45am...what did this dork do? yep u better believe it...set it for 6.45am..got up wandered around the house for a few minutes then thought i shit im suppose to be at work in 40 minutes....so ended up being a huge rush and having to catch a taxi to work

Thanks for all the comments about me taking a break from WW...i expected to get lots of "are you insane? get back on the ww horse today!" but im already starting to think about losing weight ... im not gonna rush it...im gonna make sure im totally in the right head space before i get back into it but i suspect by late june i will be in the right place. And thanks nicole for your message that was sweet of you :)

Well this is a post I really debated over whether to post or not...i am over weightloss...completely completely over it...im tired of counting points, scales, worrying about whether ive had a loss or not..stressing over if i havent loss then why not. Im also tired of all the money ive spent on it over the last 2 years. I mean I am really glad and proud I lost the initial 34 kilos...but right now im done...i need a break from it all...and i know most people are thinking well thats it shes gonna put all her weight back on...hopefully i wont but im also making no headway with the way things are at the moment. Initially I thought just dont post...end of story. But Ive decided to keep the journal going and hopefully in time something will click and i will get my head in the right place to lose the weight. So i will keep posting but it will be very minimal if any weight loss talk.

Ok other stuff...was in a slight bingle last nite...was in a taxi and the taxi driver hit a cyclist...wasnt pleasant but the cyclist didnt appear too injured and the taxi driver took him to hospital so would presume all is ok.

Looking forward to the golden dance...meeting twinkz there and theres another 4 girls we know who will be there as well and this morning i had a message on the sofa from a girl who asked if I minded if she comes across and says hi...to which of course i said ... of course come on over ! LOL gawd what a tart i can be.

Im really dying for this weekend...this week just has seemed sooooooooooooo long and i am really over it and really need a couple of days away and some goddamn sleep ins ! I am hanging out for saturday morning for a good long sleep in.

Okies not a lot else going on...enjoy all =]

Wow 2 days running updating the journal...amazing. Last nite i wasnt so good...i crumbled and had kfc...but thats it...no more unless it fits in to my points...my only aim right now is to get thru today and stick to the points.

Last nite went into the pink sofa and spoke to a couple of girls who i was suppose to meet up with the same nite i went out to the grange hotel. Anyway M the chick i met up with for coffee met them....so they asked me how did it go with u and M ... i was like shes a nice enough gal but there was no chemistry...well their impression was she was weird...apparantly one of the girls she kept probing her on her sex life and she kept staring at anohter girl...all very weird ... so glad I gave her a wide bypass.

Had my 12 month report for work done...was a good result altho I thought I deserved a slightly higher mark...but cant complain...i will still get enough to pay off most or all of the tax bill

Okies off I go...

Well im a goddamn slack ass eh? But I rejoined ww online today. I was debating over doing it online vs meetings...but when i looked at the success of jaxx and nat who dont go to meetings i thought bugger it i can do it without meetings too. So im trying not too put too much pressure on myself...just focus on staying within my points this week...hopefully that will lead to a nice healthy loss...and that I can then build on it. Finally got my new mobile...o0o its flash its a nokia 6500...very nice...but i didnt have numbers saved to the sim card so have lost a lot of phone numbers...oh well.

Came into work today and I had been nominated for a spot award...so won some more wishlist points...got 10000 points last week too..(which have converted to a $300 myer voucher which should get in the next week or two) Then i can go shopping and buy some new clothes...im desperate for some new bras...and some new clothes would be nice. This weekend i have to wash and pack up the clothes that no longer fit that I am giving to tracy as well.

Bought some marinated yiros chicken at the butchers last week. So will cook them up tonight...and then have a home made yiros with some oven fries for dinner. Should be a lot less points then getting one from a take away store plus no garlic sauce.

This weekend is the golden dance and me and felicity are going...havent been to one in ages so should be a lot of fun.

Well enough for today,,,promise i will update more regularly...im off to play with my new phone LOL

So I have been missing in action and the truth of the matter i spat it this week with the whole weight loss thing and at myself to be honest. The scales went up a lil this week (now in my rationale mind i know its prolly fluid...mostly cos TTOM is due but also my left foot has a tight feeling so im pretty sure im retaining) but after the last month with my attempts at the gym i just spat it. Was sick of the scales...was sick of feeling the obligation of going to the gym and the diet and everything remotely healthy has flown out the window. So i am now debating...ive come to the conclusion the fernwod diet is not aimed at someone with 70 kilos to lose nor do they have the answers for someone with 70 kilos to lose. So i am going to go back to what I know what works and what my intuition tells me is the right thing to do and thats ww. Now its just a case of deciding whether to attempt to do it online or whether to attend meetings.We have a new roster at work coming in from june 1 which would mean 2 out of 6 weeks i could not attend a monday night meeting...but those weeks i could attend a tuesday morning meeting...part of me is thinking....give it a go online for a week and see how i go...if all goes to plan...then keep at it online (as it is cheaper that way) until it doesnt work then attend the meetings...another part of me knows i need the accountability of the meetings...so decisions decisions. I wont lie this week i have changed my mind daily on how i should tackle this...everything from have a break from scales nd everything that goes along with it...to celebrity slim....to biggest loser club...to lite n easy. The bad thing is too...i simply didnt turn up for my appointments at the gym this week...they tried contacting me...but i didnt answer the phone (on purpose lol) honestly...i think i need to simply get some losses on the board...and get my confidence back in regards to that...cos after this last month i have started to doubt if i can do this....maybe now im 40 my metabolism is too stuffed up...but realistically i know i can do this but i think i need to keep it simple and introduce things slowly. So firstly i will simply get back on to ww follow the points...then once i have gained some losses...i will introduce some exercising. Not walking cos i just think my feet arent cut out for it....prolly get some dvds (like the biggest loser beginners one) and just do that....and also my walk away the pounds...just do it simple like i did 18 months ago when it all worked fo me. In time i will go back to the gym but i wanna introduce it slowly cos right at the moment the thought of going to the gym repulses me. So not giving up...more going with my intuition.

Friday we had our "ignite roadshow" for work...so basically everyone was off the phone by 12.45 pm and we headed down to west beach shores to this function room where basically there was like a 45 minute speach...then they let us run free...they had a room with "3 minute angels" who were giving massages, another room which had about 10 consoles set up (and i had no idea what i was doing with them ! lol) and then there was food and drinks for free. Then after that we went to the grange hotel for dinner...OMG yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i had rigatoni with chicken, ricotta, spinach, and sun dried tomato...was the yummiest pasta meal i have had in so long.

And I have a few nites out coming up..on the 24th is the next golden dance and me and felicity are going...and on the 31st is tracys 40th...tracy and i went to school together...and lots of people went to school with will be going so should be very very interesting nite LOL

Okies...off i go

A few revelations...

Well the last few days have been a few revelations...so lets see...firstly my puter has been a bitch lately...so friday nite i thought ill reformat it and clean it up...well reformatted it and it wouldnt install java...then wouldnt install all the updates...so by saturday morning I had had enuff and was at the puter store getting a new one...to organise everything and for them then to say...oh we dont have it in stock...do u wanna pick it up from another store? So off into the city i go to grab it. Anyway I get it home and its gorgeousssssssssssssssssssssss its a laptop...for all the geeks its got a 18 inch screen...3GB ram...320 GB hard drive, vista (obviously). finger print ID, 5.1 surround sound, tv tuner, high definition resolution screen, the screen is absolutely stunning to look at. I truly have a crush on it ! Cant wait to get a few L word episodes to watch on it LOL it also came with a voip phone and a remote control ! omg how techie am i????

So then yesterday afternoon i headed off for the "date"...which has really got me thinking...she was a nice gal...said a few things which i found weird and bottom line i just didnt feel there was chemistry there. Then I started thinking about stuff...I think a huge thing about it and my weight loss journey the goal was to get a gf...and I am not saying I dont want a gf...but there is prolly a relatively good chance I will be single...now I dont say that in a bad or megative or victim way...but what I realise by thinking that is yes ok that maybe the case but thats still no reason not to have a wow of a time. The focus needs to be really on enjoying life as it is...and to be honest right now id prefer to be single...and id prefer to just concentrate on making friends and getting healthy. Really what I want is company to go out to movies, dinner, the occassional pub night etc...Im not a huge person for the "scene" i really am a homebody...so the focus is no longer on getting a relationship but the focus is on building my social life and my happiness by getting healthy...dunno if that all makes sense...think it made a lot more sense in my head LOL

Off to the gym in the morning ... i been slack about it later....i get scared of falling off the treadmill...i really have to concentrate and have had some near misses so that puts me off...i prefer going when theres not many there. Id also like to do some classes but dunno if i would cope with them.

Well off to watch big brother...enjoy...............................

Went to see jenna my dietician today and the good news was my trainer teri had already spoken to her. Jenna had worked out my BMR is 12000kj and i was only having 5000 kj so they have put me on to their highest plan which is 7300 kj. It was good knowing teri had spoken to her cos i realise im not their only client but makes me feel like more then a number. Today i work 1pm-9pm then i am on leave for 10 days. Tomorrows a busy day...off to the gym in the morning...then off to do grocery shopping and eyebrows be waxed followed by a hair appointment at 1.45pm. Will have to set the recorder to tape TBL tonight. Okies just a quick one as busy busy...gotta go get dinner organised for work tonite...have a good day all :)