Self Belief

Wow second post for the day :) But this is kinda a real important post...and I was lying down thinking about this and knew I just needed to get what I was thinking written down.

I will start by saying...this post is in no way attacking people...yep I will prolly mention some things that were not pleasant...and somethings that should never have occurred...but I take the thought process that sometimes people make unwise decisions...and that is their decisions to make....and after those decisions are made....they live their life with whatever the outcomes were. Im not trying to make anyone look bad...simply...understand myself a lil better....to make my life and future a lil better.

Ive talked about my childhood in my past. Until my dad got sick it was a mostly idylic childhood (apart from my youngest sister passing away of course) We were never rich....but we never wanted for anything...I was a kid in the 70's and so like most kids in the 70's I led a mostly innocent life.

But...it wasnt perfect. I recall many a time being accused of lying. Now dont get me wrong...I was a kid...of course I lied at times.... "Karyn did you cut these curtains cos you thought they were too long?" who me? no never! (Of course I did....but I was VERY young at the time)

I recall one specific instance I was 10 or 11....anyone who knows me....knows I have ridiculously thick hair. Well I constantly get new tufts of hair growing along my fringe line (and in fact I remember my sister commenting one of my nephews gets it or did get it when he was younger too...so obviously a family trait) anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy I remember being accused of cutting my hair. Knowing darn well I didnt and knowing full well if you just looked at it...you could tell it wasnt cut. And I recall being told I was lying and a liar. I carried that with me for a long time. I know if anything happens....pretty much anywhere....like something is missing or damaged or whatever....even tho no one may be considering its me who did it....my thought will just be to prove to that person it wasnt me....cos its just ingrained in me that people think I am lying. (Even tho I know if I asked people truthfully people who know me well I know would say i couldnt be more honest if i tried)

When we were babies we werent born with this belief that people think we are lying....and sure...some kids lie...and i KNOW i lied at times especially when young...but there is a difference with "you are lying" and "you are a liar" - its someones words I have taken on, and as I said above I dont think it was said from a place of ill...more a case of maybe not knowing better.

I was reading a article today (which is really what got me to thinking about this) about the perfect age to leave home as a teen/young adult to be most successful. It straight away made me think about when I left home. I moved out when I was 17. I really ummmed and ahhhed whether I should post this cos i have NEVER discussed this with anyone....not with anyone who knew about it afterwards or have I confided it in anybody....but yanno....like I said above and I want to be paramount clear about this...this is not about blame....this is about me going "yep that happened....they shouldnt have done it....but they did and they have to live with that for the rest of their lives....its not for me to carry around"...so with that said....there was a arguement....I do not recall what the arguement was about...(but I am sure it involved me being a smart mouth) and I was hit numerous times...across my butt and back of my legs. Now when I say hit...i dont mean a tap...I mean the i have black bruising and it hurts to sit down type of hit. I moved out of home within a week of that happening. And that is what I was reflecting on today...i left home without completing my schooling (always a regret altho I was never a great student)...I left home with no savings....but I had peace....it wasnt ideal....but it was a caustic environment. Now that incident was the final straw (and the only physical thing that happened) but in that family environment....not from all but certain some members of that household...my weight was always a constant topic. Now dont get me wrong....I was maybe a size 16 when I moved out...I was not obese....sure I carried some extra kilos...but I was hardly 173 kilos :) (in fact it wasnt till over 4 years later i hit 99 kilos...so my guess is i was 85-90 kilos) I was taken to doctors, i was put on ridiculous diets, I was questioned over everything I ate...till it did get to the point where I didnt eat in front of others...and i snuck food into my bedroom. For me I was the person in that household that you make the joke off. Needless to say for me that "blended family" never worked.

I often joke i am the "blacksheep" in that family. I carry more weight then anyone else, I am not married or with a partner, I am gay....and yanno maybe I am...for many years I have taken on that self belief. That I am less then others....that I deserve less then others. When mum passed away...I put up a wall and didnt let anyone see that I struggled with it...its a very hard thing to deal not just with grief....but when a parent passes away where there was some resentment. And thats a bad thing to say I know...but I did resent where her loyalties lay at times...and times she chose not to support my life or decisions....but like I said above thats not to blame,,,,thats simply the way it is. We all make decisions and we all have to live with them. She made some decisions I didnt agree with...I of course love her and miss her....but it doesnt change those decisions. But many years ago i came to peace about them...and knew while I disagreed with some of them...I cannot take them on...I cannot carry grudges...or change those things...and so I havent. But when she did pass away it was a struggle for a long time. It was only earlier this year....that the rawness of that left and I knew I was ready for a new chapter of my life. I had taken my eye of my health and weight loss for a few years and new it was time to refocus on that. I am lucky at the same time the gym fell into place...I feel I found inspiration on different you tube channels....and what I have realised of late....is that despite it all...despite the things I didnt agree with or didnt like that happened in my life they only make me part of who I am if I allow them too. If I allow to let peoples unfounded beliefs of me...become my beliefs of me then yes....what they thought will come true.

But bottom line is I know I am a good person...with good intentions...yep I may make mistakes at times....some people wont like me...hell some may hate me...but others opinions wont matter...I know I am as unique as you are or your next door neighbour. We all have our unique traits that make us individuals (except for I dont know maybe hardened criminals lol) I am lucky I know what a lot of my good traits are...and I also know what some of my bad ones are....but yanno the good outweigh the bad....I know I am stubborn, opinionated (to a degree), am like a dog with a bone....and all those are things can be seen as negative traits....but when it comes to my health and weight loss I see them as traits that a lot of people would like to have. Yep I am stubborn....I have prolly stuck at this weight loss at a lot of times when others would have given up, I am opinionated....I am educated on nutrition and fitness (that said anyone who I trust and respect gives me advice I am going to listen and take it on board) I am not fooled easily...and yep I do have low tolerance for stupidity when it comes to eating well...I am sure many people have seen that from me....I am lucky in that I know have a fab trainer and food coach who i trust and respect both :) In the past I have had other trainers and food coaches (fiona!, eve, sarah, candace) who I trusted and respected also....but I have also had trainers and food coaches who didnt know what they were doing to the level I guess I expected....if I am risking a injury or simply being told "eat 1200 calories" with no thought to my exercise level, age or current weight...then yeh...Im highly unlikely to stick to what this "professional says" so yep I will dig my feet in and be opinionated ;) And yup...like a dog with a bone....personally I love reading about nutrition and fitness, especially nutrition....if I have a question....or a concern....I will ask questions...I will dig around...until I get the answer that makes sense to me...and maybe some see that as a negative...but in my mind its a complete positive!

So yes....not everyone will like you or agree with you (and some maybe family members....blood related or not) but we choose whether we allow ourselves to let their beliefs become our self beliefs. Its hard not too...but for me....its come down to being strong minded and realistic...I cannot control others actions...only the way I act.