Sunday, April 22, 2012

Still thinking :(

I am at a weird place..6 weeks or so ago i was doing pretty good....since then i had my binging issues....which so far seems all under control thankfully. Then this issue with me struggling with the sessions which in some ways altho i realise this has prolly been coming on since day 1 of training and maybe it had to come me it feels like its come out of nowhere. Its definitely taking up a bit of my thought processes at the moment...theres a part of me that thinks in 6 months time im going to find no change to my muscle change to my strength and still unable to do chin ups and pushups....its not the chinups so much cos they are something recent we have started working on so i prolly havent given them a real good try. But i think i gave up quite a while ago that ill ever be able to do full pushups where i go low. Theres part of me that thinks maybe its cos i dont see myself as "slim" ... yes i of course am smaller then i once was...but i dont have the type of body that i think can do chin ups ... push ups stomach and my thighs i can still grab handfuls of fat....and im not saying i see myself as i was 6 years ago...but im so far from where i wanna be....size wise...strength far from so many of the goals i have set out for. And this isnt a post so people go "oh kazz you are small" or whatever....i dont need that....i know this is a issue with me and how i simply see myself....maybe its cos i see myself naked each day so i am very "eyes open" about the reality of where my body is at....whether its cos i get down to 79 kilos and then cant seem to go all the way to 75 kilos....its like all my goals are so close yet so far away if that makes sense. Its truly doing my head in. Then theres a part of me where i think people think i am better then i am....that im really not at the level Nora thinks i am at....and well...for one thing i hate thinking im not good enough....and i know for me that usually means....its better to run away so that that way im not failing....i CHOSE not to see it thru...much better for my ego lol. In one way i think i should stop thinking about it etc...then another part of me thinks if i do that im really just burying my head in the sand over the issue....and this is what my journal is here for. I wish i could just go...ok pushups here we go and *bang* im doing them lol...such a pain in the ass!

The scales dropped down again this a massive 900 grams...pretty damn impressed with that :) I was hoping to be back under 85 kilos by the time I go too sydney...and i was 84.2 kilos this morning so very happy with that :)

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