Thursday, April 19, 2012

Mindset Stuff

I am going to preface this post by squashing a few rumours ;) Anyone who reads my journal or is on my facebook knows i exercise a bit....nothing over the top in my mind...4-5 days a week for 1-2 hours. Yesterday I had two was with a guy at work...we were talking about the gym etc and he made the comment "but you love the gym" .... i looked at him like he had 3 heads and was like no i dont lol...he was like your always so positive about it tho...i explained to him....i HAVE to workout or ill be 170 kilos not naturally good at the gym nor do i love it....I dont enjoy the process but i do enjoy the accomplishment i feel afterwards, i enjoy how it helps me mentally and the changes and impacts it has on my body. But im not nor will u ever be the person who goes "oh yippee i get to do 10 pushups now" - its just not EVER going to happen. Then last nite my trainer Nora basically said the same thing..."you must like it at least a lil bit" lol....the truth of that matter is...okay i prolly have a okay fitness level cos i can do a few classes in a row without dying...but i find "exercise" itself doesnt matter what class i am in...there is always parts i suck at...other parts of the class i may be passable at.... but plenty of parts i suck at! The truth of the matter is what i have been successful at is watching scales go not suddenly doing things i couldnt do 2 years ago....i mean i guess there are somethings i do now that i wouldnt have imagined doing two years ago....but i always go back to the example of doing low, deep pushups....they have been a goal for at least 2 years and i STILL cannot do them....and i cant see that changing any time soon....and thats just one example...theres lots of things i cant do....and why am i writing this? Just because there seems to be some misconceptions on my abilities...and i dont want people think im a hero at the gym when in actual fact im a struggler lol.

Last weekend...i was doing a outdoor workout...i really was like exercise after exercise that i just couldnt do....the session ended and all i could think i just wanna get out of here and get to the gym and do pump cos at least then i am doing something i am capable of. I felt foolish and that i was kidding myself that i should have taken part in this session.

I discussed it with Fiona after....she pointed out some things....the main thing being....if it gets too hard i run away. And its true....and even when i spoke to Fiona about this over the weekend before she said this to the back of my mind i did think i was running away cos it got too hard...truth of the matter i have done this since i was a kid. I remember waking up the morning of a ballet competition and telling mum i didnt wanna reason except i decided i didnt wanna go...i remember mum having a chat with me about it saying i thought you wanna be a ballet dancer? And my answer being nope just a ballet teacher....i just wanna be a normal person....and i know i didnt go to the competition simply cos i was scared...and its something i do a LOT i often will decide i want to do something (chuck in here getting my drivers licence, completing year 12,getting my drivers licence, volunteering at feast, bootcamp, crossfit, school ski-ing trip gawd the list goes on and on!) and i know i need to stop doing it....its why i gave up on weight loss so got too hard so i gave the moment it was easier. But as fiona said....i need to learn to step out of my comfort zone....and this is a safe environment for me to try doing this...and while i would prefer to not do it....i know i NEED to do it....i need to up my training now doubt and be doing more....its just a case i guess of accepting im going to be pushed and i may not like it and in fact may even hate it....but hopefully if i persist i will benefit not just with my weight loss but my life as well by learning to be vulnerable/out of my comfort zone. I know also there is a thought process i have going on thinking i cant do certain things (such as a deep squat) because of the fact i weighed 170 kilos before...Fiona is convinced i can but mentally i have a block me i cant wrap my brain around the fact that i may be able too...i dont know if its cos i couldnt for so long that i cant...or cos i think my knees/legs will snap if i do and im worried about getting hurt...i dont know...cos i know i would LIKE to be able to do these things....but i know so often when theres things i dont think i can do i say in my session "i cant do that"....i know i shouldnt say that i should try my best regardless...cos theres no way ill stop thinking it till i stop saying theres a lot of muddleness in my head...ive kind of just gone along with the training for so long....and suddenly its there things i avoided doing or thought processes that i suddenly realise i need to get over! Its really just mindset issues which i have never addressed before which i guess need addressing to stop me "quitting" so many things.

Okays theres todays admittance of the truth! lol

1 comment:

20 to go! said...

OMG! For me, it's tricep dips. I talk myself out of them all the time! I keep thinking "You've lost 50kgs - surley you can lift your body NOW" But I never can and I am sure that it is my mind blocking me, not my actual ability!