I am going to preface this post by squashing a few rumours ;) Anyone who reads my journal or is on my facebook knows i exercise a bit....nothing over the top in my mind...4-5 days a week for 1-2 hours. Yesterday I had two conversations...one was with a guy at work...we were talking about the gym etc and he made the comment "but you love the gym" .... i looked at him like he had 3 heads and was like no i dont lol...he was like your always so positive about it tho...i explained to him....i HAVE to workout or ill be 170 kilos again...im not naturally good at the gym nor do i love it....I dont enjoy the process but i do enjoy the accomplishment i feel afterwards, i enjoy how it helps me mentally and the changes and impacts it has on my body. But im not nor will u ever be the person who goes "oh yippee i get to do 10 pushups now" - its just not EVER going to happen. Then last nite my trainer Nora basically said the same thing..."you must like it at least a lil bit" lol....the truth of that matter is...okay i prolly have a okay fitness level cos i can do a few classes in a row without dying...but i find "exercise" itself hard...it doesnt matter what class i am in...there is always parts i suck at...other parts of the class i may be passable at.... but plenty of parts i suck at! The truth of the matter is what i have been successful at is watching scales go down...im not suddenly doing things i couldnt do 2 years ago....i mean i guess there are somethings i do now that i wouldnt have imagined doing two years ago....but i always go back to the example of doing low, deep pushups....they have been a goal for at least 2 years and i STILL cannot do them....and i cant see that changing any time soon....and thats just one example...theres lots of things i cant do....and why am i writing this? Just because there seems to be some misconceptions on my abilities...and i dont want people think im a hero at the gym when in actual fact im a struggler lol.
Last weekend...i was doing a outdoor workout...i really struggled...it was like exercise after exercise that i just couldnt do....the session ended and all i could think i just wanna get out of here and get to the gym and do pump cos at least then i am doing something i am capable of. I felt foolish and that i was kidding myself that i should have taken part in this session.
I discussed it with Fiona after....she pointed out some things....the main thing being....if it gets too hard i run away. And its true....and even when i spoke to Fiona about this over the weekend before she said this to me....in the back of my mind i did think i was running away cos it got too hard...truth of the matter i have done this since i was a kid. I remember waking up the morning of a ballet competition and telling mum i didnt wanna go....no reason except i decided i didnt wanna go...i remember mum having a chat with me about it saying i thought you wanna be a ballet dancer? And my answer being nope just a ballet teacher....i just wanna be a normal person....and i know i didnt go to the competition simply cos i was scared...and its something i do a LOT i often will decide i want to do something (chuck in here getting my drivers licence, completing year 12,getting my drivers licence, volunteering at feast, bootcamp, crossfit, school ski-ing trip gawd the list goes on and on!) and i know i need to stop doing it....its why i gave up on weight loss so often....it got too hard so i gave up...in the moment it was easier. But as fiona said....i need to learn to step out of my comfort zone....and this is a safe environment for me to try doing this...and while i would prefer to not do it....i know i NEED to do it....i need to up my training now doubt and be doing more....its just a case i guess of accepting im going to be pushed and i may not like it and in fact may even hate it....but hopefully if i persist i will benefit not just with my weight loss but my life as well by learning to be vulnerable/out of my comfort zone. I know also there is a thought process i have going on thinking i cant do certain things (such as a deep squat) because of the fact i weighed 170 kilos before...Fiona is convinced i can but mentally i have a block there...to me i cant wrap my brain around the fact that i may be able too...i dont know if its cos i couldnt for so long that i cant...or cos i think my knees/legs will snap if i do and im worried about getting hurt...i dont know...cos i know i would LIKE to be able to do these things....but i know so often when theres things i dont think i can do i say in my session "i cant do that"....i know i shouldnt say that i should try my best regardless...cos theres no way ill stop thinking it till i stop saying it...so theres a lot of muddleness in my head...ive kind of just gone along with the training for so long....and suddenly its there things i avoided doing or thought processes that i suddenly realise i need to get over! Its really just mindset issues which i have never addressed before which i guess need addressing to stop me "quitting" so many things.
Okays theres todays admittance of the truth! lol