:(

I think somewhere over the last 6 months i got lost...or i should say my drive got lost....a lot of the time when ive thought about it ive thoughts its cos fiona left the gym and i lost that comfort zone i had for a long time...and since she left the gym i just havent felt successful....ive not really lost weight since...whilst she was there yanno we were always focussed on so much....building up my stair climbing...doing the rower and building up my times on them...doing weight work that was building muscle....and theres certainly a part of me that thinks i still havent adjusted/accepted she is no longer at the gym. I mean i still work out with her several times per week but its different...and thats not necessarily bad....cos i enjoy our sessions we are out in the fresh air...mostly doing running intervals or running/climbing stairs but again its different. But i guess too fiona use to give me "homework" whether it was do 30 minutes non stop on the rower or do 15 "lots" of the stairs this...she has given me "homework" to do this last week too which was "200 jumps" with the skipping rope per night as well as a back stretch exercise but someone hasnt done that!

A situation arose recently with my training....where i really struggled with something...i didnt struggle for just 5 minutes....but the majority of a hour or so...and i must admit it left me feeling like a twat....sometimes you can think ur so far away from the 170+ kilos girl....and you can think your so much stronger and fitter and then its kinda like a slap in the face...."stop kidding yourself karyn...your smaller but your the same" and since that situation occurred its really made me think about the last 6 months...and yes we all know i havent lost weight over that period....but its not really about that its more about overall looking at my journey ive really taken some steps backwards...im a few kilos heavier then i was 6 months ago...my clothing size has not gone down...my abilities physically have not improved (i mean really how long have i been harping on about wanting to do proper pushups and run and still not truly doing them) I think if i hadnt lost over that period of time but i was seeing improvements in abilities, or my toning or my clothing size it would be different....but when i think back over the 6 months i have really accomplished nothing.

I do realise part of it prolly has to do with the fact that i didnt understand/know the differences i would encounter when so close to goal...and yes i did have a minor injury late last year....but still i should be so much further along then i am....and i cant help but feel so disappointed in myself. I dont really want to just continue fluffing around but gaining nothing.

I do think that sometimes...in losing my way its because i gave up on some goals. I became convinced that having a partner is not meant for me. And while i think its important to accept i may never have a partner....i dont know that wont happen 110%....the only way i know that 110% is if i give up on me and dont keep working towards that as a goal....i just need to keep things realistic and in perspective. Over the last few months ive thought "if i cant get under 79 kilos and cant get to goal then how could i as a personal trainer expect to help anyone else get to goal" so i kinda filed the PT course under the "never going to happen" category. And i think thats it...in a lot of way i gave up on getting to goal...and i always suspected i wouldnt get to goal..and its kinda like ive "proven" that...im not getting to goal...so might as well give up...makes sense right? (NOT!) I need to get that drive back...to honestly be focused on ... i need tangible things to focus on and move at my own rate...i think food wise the plan im onto now makes sense...and its definitely more focused on "for life" and while the weight loss will be slow its just more do-able and its nice not to be hungry all the time. Its now just getting a plan going with my exercise....so im not just aimlessly going along so i have goals and things to aim for without trying to do things that make me feel foolish...i dont know that i have the answers yet...certainly something i need to put more thought into...but getting it down on paper is the first step (i hope)