(continuation of previous post)

Some people think i have it all figured out...as i mentioned in my earlier post by some im a "weight loss machine"... others im a inspiration...or a "machine" but the honest truth is i dont have "it" all figured out. Lets see i have my weight loss/fitness thing which i chose to make my "hobby" my "priority" several years ago...im still 30 kilos over weight...i still have massive thighs and hips...i still cant wear anything above my knees...im single...i have a job whilst its fine is not a job that is fulfilling...so im single but dont have the life of someone single...im not out partying every weekend...partly cos thats not me...and partly altho i have friends and i have groups of friends i catch up with every few months....i havent got that person...that friend i can just call up and say lets meet up for a walk...or lets go see a movie. I dont even know if ill post this cos i dont like putting stuff just "out there" but really my life is not that fab...like i said...ok job...no real close confidantes...and when the weight loss is going good...im completely focused fulfilled and happy...but when i get on the scales and they have gone up....well its the start of my sucky day. Ive definitely got a obsessive/addictive personality...i made this a priority...i invest a lot of money every week towards it...and thats fine...i dont regret spending that money at all in fact i think its one of the best things i have ever done...but when its not going good...i dont really have anything else to focus on....with the money i spend on my gym membership...it doesnt allow for lavish holidays...or out every nite spending up...dont get me wrong i dont struggle...ive never been a very materialistic person...but its hard to turn your focus to something else and take the "obsession" of weight loss and getting healthy when there isnt anything else.

The fact im eating such low calories is doing my head in a bit...it concerns me too cos what am i gonna do when i get down to only 10 kilos to lose...currently i feel i need to eat 1200-1400 calories...i dont really get why i need so little calories...someone else who weighs the same as me...whose never exercised ... prolly can eat more then me and lose...as i posted on facebook i wondered if someone with a higher muscle composition should be able to eat more and lose...yet...i must have some muscle under all this fat. Im very concerned that maybe i am undereating...but if i dont lose on higher calories am i actually undereating? I know on michelle bridges 12WBT program she has all women eat 1200 calories...maybe i should just eat that? or maybe i should be aiming for 1400 calories? I know people say if u eat too lil ur body goes into starvation mode...does it really???? I have an extra 30 kilos how can my body SERIOUSLY Go into starvation mode...then again....am i eating enough for the amount of exercise i do???? seriously i got no freaking idea. Sometimes i really just wanna ditch the scales and weigh ins and measurements...and just focus on fitness and exercise and not on the whole "diet" thing. Like seriously how and when did scales become such a vital part of my life????