Sunday, March 22, 2009

One very busy mind...

...I have had tonight. Let me explain...now I cant remember whether i blogged this before or not...think i did...then deleted it. Anyway as a few of u may remember i have a friend robyn...shes someone who at different points we have both said to each other we have considered asking out but never has the timing been right...but thru it all...we have always remained friends. Anyway she started holidays today too so for the last week or so one of us has messaged the other saying "2 days to go" or whatever..so as she finished yesterday and i finished work today...saw her online last nite and said "you must be happy"...her response wasnt what i expected and she replied "why..cos i was dumped last nite?" (briefly she had started to date someone...which i discovered at a social outing a few weeks ago) anyway i was like oh u know sorry...etc etc...she was having a few beers and firstly she turned around and said im real sorry if i hurt u or made u feel crappy when you found out about jayne...i was like nah its kewl...she apologised several times...then she said...are u sleeping the night on saturday nite (next sat nite is her 30th birthday and the hall has beds where we can crash) i was like yeh maybe...and shes like...if u like after the cleanup is done in the morning i can drop u home...so im thinking...ok....kewl....then she starts telling me how her and her sister are looking at renting a place together out at new haven...shes like u will have to come to the housewarming party...i was like kewl....and shes like and cos of how far away it is you will have to stay the nite...im like ok that works....now at this point im starting to get the vibe shes flirting...but she is drinking....and she does have a tendancy in my opinion to flirt with me when shes had a few but not when shes sober...so i didnt read too much into it...but once i said goodnight...i started to think about the "what ifs" she is flirting and interested and for a few minutes actually considered that kind of situation...and what i realised....and i say this in a complete positive frame of mind...its not for people to post oh kazz your so wonderful u will eventually meet someone (i am a princess after all with a incredibly healthy ego LOL) but i realised i cant do the relationship thing at the moment. With robyn theres a couple of reasons why i cant the main one being i dont wanna risk her friendship like i did felicity, the other is robyn is short hahah we would look like the gnome and the giant...but also and i know partly in the past i have prolly used my "fat" as a armor to prevent myself from getting in a relationship...as ive said before...when your 170 kilos people dont even ask if u have a partner they dont expect someone of that size to be in one (doesnt mean it doesnt happen just not expected) I have noticed lately i am being asked more by friends "so how is the love life going"...so maybe there is that worry now that i am starting to think people have that expectation...anyway im going off on a tangent...anyway i started thinking omg i cantbe in a relationship and have someone see me naked looking like this...im not ready for that...i still need this to be incredibly selfish and all about me...

I was just talking to my friend dayne, and she pointed out just like a weight loss journey you have to be mentally ready to let someone into your life...and maybe right at the moment im just not ready..that im still preparing myself mentally for that. BUt as dayne just pointed out to me on the same hand i need to spread my wings more and need to chat more in the social situations (despite my journal especially when its in a group i am rather shy when i initially meeet people) and yes jody i know online im this huge flirt and chatty person...and i truly wish i could very easily transpose that to my real life...but it does take me time...but i do think as my weight reduces this will also improve.

OKies its 1am (but i dont have to work tomorrow lalala) and im still chatting to dayne...so im gonna go finish chatting to her then head off to sleep...ni ni people

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't let your weight control your relationships. If you get to the point where someone wants to take your clothes off, they aren't going to run screaming out the door once they're off - your clothes don't hide everything, they already know you're big and like you (well, most people only remove the clothes of people they like ;)!

It sounds like you're worried that being in a r'ship will hurt your weightloss. What if it actually helps it?

On the other hand, what if something happens and you never lose the weight? Does that mean you'll never have another r'ship again?

Fiona said...

I was scared of getting hurt in a relationship - used my fat as a protective shield! But I found 'practising' worked for me. Practise dating, flirting etc. Don't run away. And one day the practise becomes the real thing.

Tina said...

I hope you get things sorted out in your own mind Kazz. Only you will know when it's right to start a relationship with someone.

And I am very jealous you are on holidays. What have you got planned??

Tania said...

Do you know what I think? I think you think too much ... lol

It will happen when it happens mate, and it will happen because you are ready for it and you've met the right person. You may have already met that person or it might be someone you haven't met.

Focus on yourself and in time you'll know when you're ready.