Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Less then 24 hours...

...thats all its taken me to take about 5 steps backwards, let me explain. Last nite I logged in to chat I still go in there several times per week but cos i get bored i never stay long. Anyway when I was in there a friend messaged me and said guess who was in chat under a name you don't know? I'm like who? shes like are you ready for this? ready? Im like yeh....and shes like....tash....who is tash? Tash I have known for about 9 years online shes a pom and several years ago 2 or 3 years ago we got close back in the days when i lived online still....we were close....and we both liked each other and cos we did yet i wouldnt let anything happen....it led to a lot of frustration she ended up disappearing from chat and i havent spoken to her for years. So what happens? Yep i stayed logged into chat last nite....i left the computer on over night (something i dont do anymore) now I dont know if its related or not but i woke feeling sick....throbbing head....my eyes are aching and i feel so tired...anyway so this morning who comes online? Yep tash....we ended up talking for about 3 years...in that time I ate...I didnt track...I ate whatever took my fancy...and this is how bad i was i heated up steggles chicken breast fillets for breakfast ! I have eaten healthy breakfast for months...

She then went offline and went to sleep...i still left myself in chat and went and laid down,...i KNOW that in the blink of an eye i could slip back into my old ways and that a huge wake up call...right now it would be quite easy to fall into my old ways and i think cos im not well its hard to just click myself out of it....i have logged out of the chat program now. Yesterday I was ou walking and visiting the garden store and buying gym shoes and then wtf happened? I even didnt go to the gym last nite cos the computer was tempted me....now i can hear jody saying these online girls always mess your head up and they do ! I know that....I know that chat program is a addiction and not healthy for me. The other thing is ive barely been into pink sofa....something that can give me the real life ! I feel attrocious for the food ive eaten today and really sluggish right at the moment and i know thats not 100% cos i am sick I need to get my head straight. As to why I am posting this? Not for anyone to say oh its ok kazz you will pick yourself up...nor to worry anyone that I am about to give up on all of this....but I need to be honest with ME I have binge eaten and eaten away from others most of my life and i need to be honest with myself...for myself and not for anyone else. I will come back later tonite to just write about how I am feeling I think its important today


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Well as I said I am back...I went to the docs I have a virus and am off work till saturday...I will give the gym a break till monday part of this virus is i just feel exhausted...well I just threw up a lil...not sure if its the processed foods ive eaten today (quite likely) or this virus...but hah that was obviously disgusting.

I think what I need to get thru my thick head is this is the next step...this is more then doable....and I have the ability to do it...I'm 200 grams of my lowest in 5 years and i know thats part of it...i need to rest over the next few days and get over this virus an then as of sunday get into things. Sunday i will walk or go swimming....monday i have a PT session...when i wake tomorrow...its a good healthy breakfast and sticking to the points and just resting ...my heads screwed on a bit better now...heres to tomorrow people =]

4 comments:

Shelley said...

Good on you Kazz for seeing what is happening and taking the blame on yourself for your behaviour. You aren't blaming anyone for what you did, you see it's wrong. So get back on the horse. There's a post on Craig Harper's site about a woman who gave up because she ate a block of chocolate, when she would have to eat 86 on top of her normal food allowance to gain back the 7 kg she'd already lost. It's just a tree in the road. Climb over it and keep on walking.

Jody said...

Ummm...ok I COULD give you a hard time, but I'm not...just be glad you didn't do your ole favorite KFC...NOW THAT woulda be deserving of a swift kick in da old arse.

Quit beating yourself up!! It happened, you recognized it and now get back on your routine...and leave those Drama Queens in chat alone..they are nothing but trouble..UGHS!!! LOL

Tina said...

Ok so you went off track and there obviously was a trigger why this happened.

I know you will dust yourself off. give yourself a good talking to and get back on track again.

One bad day doesn't make the journey end.

Hope you are feeling better today Kazz.

Tania said...

Interesting, and there I thought I knew everyone from your "online world" ... lol ... don't think you've ever mentioned a Tash to me!

Kazz - look for the positives here, firstly you recognised the problem for what it was and got back on track quickly. Secondly, while you "binged" as Jody said it could have easily been KFC or pizza.

And there's that psychological barrier of being so close to a goal that you want.

I know our situations are quite different but as i've said to you many times over the years I do understand the lure of online communities especially when living alone - but you know the Kazz you are now and you know the Kazz you are when that community takes over your life - all comes down to a choice - which one will you choose? :-)